WWE SummerSlam - 08/15/04
by Scott Christ

We begin on SpikeTV with Sunday Night Heat, where the real U.S. Dream Team of THE COACH, AL SNOW, JIM ROSS, THE KING, MICHAEL COLE, TAZZ, IVORY and TODD GRISHAM give us all the dirt on tonight's big show. Starting lineup there is Coach at center, Tazz as an undersized PF, King at SF, Snow at SG and Cole at PG. JR can, uh, be the coach. No, The Coach is the coach. What?

We are LIVE on August 15, in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, at the Air Canada Centre.

HEAT
ROB VAN DAM (230, Battle Creek, MI) v. RENE DUPREE (260, Paris, France, with Fifi)
Referee: Brian Hebner

"RVD" chants to start, collar-and-elbow and Dupree powers Van Dam into the corner. Clean break? Nope, Dupree sticks him with a jab. RVD clotheslines him down and Dupree bails into the corner. Out he runs, into a drop toe-hold. Armdrag and an armbar from Van Dam. Dupree knees him in the gut, tosses him to the floor, but fails and Van Dam is on the apron. Shoulder to the gut, and Dupree is backdropped to the floor. Van Dam puts his hand on his chin, because he's thinking about what to do. So he walks out to the floor (exciting!) and drapes Dupree over the wall. Guess what he does then! R V D and a spinning leg lariat over the back. Back in, slingshot legdrop and Van Dam goes up top. Dupree comes to his senses and shoves Van Dam off and into the barricade outside. Cole: "Rene Dupree is ROLLING!" Er. Time for a break. (2'09")

Commercials

A thousand dollars to those of you who thought we'd come back to Dupree with a chinlock. I think RVD has to pee. Dupree moves it to a neck vice, which doesn't help him keep Van Dam from standing up and elbowing him. Van Dam takes off to hit the ropes, but Dupree pulls him down by the hair. Dupree going for a piledriver or power bomb, but RVD backdrops him. Right to the head, spinning legdrop, baseball slide. Van Dam cartwheels and backdrops but it goes nowhere, and Dupree gets a neckbreaker. French Tickler, off the ropes, Van Dam with a spin kick and both men are down. Dupree's punches are blocked, RVD's are not. Van Dam with a quick kick to the jaw and a split-legged moonsault - cover, 2, kickout. RVD with a right, whip is reversed, Dupree tries a slam, Van Dam slides and rolls him up, two count. Dropkick to the chest, Van Dam hits the ropes and gets a somersault Warrior splash for two. Kick, right, into the corner, charge, and Dupree gets a boot up. Plenty of leg slapping. Van Dam avoids the flying nothing and hits a springboard kick. Up top - FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH! Struggle, cover, 2, 3. (3'57", 6'06" aired)

Some final hype on Heat, and if you haven't ordered the PPV now, you're out of luck.

CC - TV-14-LDV - SmackDown!/WWE Experience/Bottom Line/Velocity/Heat/Afterburn/Tough Enough - WWE

Clips from all the SummerSlam promo spots. "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the culmination of one incredible summer. Over the past six weeks, we've witnessed some of the greatest athletes in the world compete at a level we are not traditionally used to seeing. And I can honestly say, it's been the most exciting Summer Games I've ever experienced. But that was just the beginning. Because next is the event we've all been waiting for, the event we've looked forward to, anxiously anticipated, ladies and gentlemen, the hottest event of the summer, WWE SummerSlam!" Take it away, Rush!

Chris Benoit v. Randy Orton for the world heavyweight title
Eddie Guerrero v. Kurt Angle
Diva Dodgeball
Booker T v. John Cena
'Till Death Do Us Part: Kane v. Matt Hardy
Batista v. Edge v. Chris Jericho for the intercontinental title
Eugene v. Triple H
JBL v. Undertaker for the WWE title
Everybody say holla holla holla!

And now, Raw, SmackDown! and Stacker 2's YJ Stinger present WWE SummerSlam! Take it away, pyro! JR and King welcome us to SummerSlam (SAP where available, you know). 17,640 have sold out the building. We are briefly introduced to CARLOS CABRERA and HUGO SAVINOVICH before Michael Cole and Tazz take the broadcast back.

THE DUDLEYS (Cruiserweight champion SPIKE, BUBBA RAY & D-VON, combined 693) v. PAUL LONDON & BILLY KIDMAN (WWE tag team champions) & REY MYSTERIO (combined 590)
Referee: Jimmy Korderis

D-Von and Kidman start, C&E, D-Von throws a knee quickly. Kidman sent into the corner and D-Von works him over with rights. Whip to the other side, Kidman kicks up and gets a headscissors takedown. Armdrag, dropkick, cover, 2. Tag to Paul London who gets some shrieks. Kidman helps flip London over for a moonsault pin attempt, but it only gets two. Whip to the corner, charge, London gets an elbow up. Dropkick to the back from the top, dropsault gets a two count. Bubba pulls London down as he hits the ropes and clotheslines him once he gets back up. Cover, 2, Mysterio breaks the pin. Tag to Spike, D-Von slams London down and Spike hits the demon stomp from the top. Spike pounds his chest and spits at Rey, which draws the referee's attention to Rey trying to come in and allows Bubba and Spike to double-team London. Bubba tags in and drops headbutts and elbows. Bubba to Kidman: "I'LL BEAT YA FACE IN!" Bubba with another right, pulls him up and drags him to the Dudley corner, tag to D-Von. Snapmare and a chinlock. Elbow to the gut, elbow, right hand, off the ropes and D-Von catches him with a powerslam. Cover, Kidman breaks. Tazz does his best Jesse Ventura impression, attempting to make Cole Gorilla Monsoon, and it doesn't work out so well. London is caught against the ropes by D-Von, Bubba charges and London ducks, which puts D-Von on the floor. Enzuigiri! Both men down and London is crawling exceedingly slow. Bubba tags Spike, who cuts off London, but not for long - tag to Mysterio! Clothesline is ducked, but Rey flapjacks Spike down. Springboard legdrop to the back of the neck, cover, 2. Whip to the corner, whip to the other corner, and Rey puts Spike up top - huracanrana! Right on his bad knees, too. Cover, 2. Spike is reeling. Rey tries the same kick-up in the corner Kidman used earlier. Bubba comes in, but he's caught with the flying ass. Spike off the ropes, battering ram turns the tide but Rey tags to Kidman. Kidman with a flying back elbow on Spike, clothesline on Bubba, backdrop on D-Von, BK bomb on Spike, cover, Bubba breaks. This match has broken down into a pier-six brawl and the faces clean house on the big brothers. London springs off of Kidman's back with a somersault plancha to Bubba. Kidman and Rey break out the Hart Attack on Spike. Kidman slingshots Spike over the second rope - 619 by Rey! Spike's down and Kidman's going up. Shooting star press connects! 1, 2, D-Von pulls Kidman to the floor. Rey flies out, but misses everyone and hits the barricade. London comes around the bend, WHAM he goes down via a hard clothesline. Bubba tries to use the belt inside, but Kidman kicks him in the face. Kidman's rally is short-lived - Dudley Death Drop! Spike takes the cover - 1, 2, 3. (8'06")

NEXT: 'Till Death Do Them Part

MATT HARDY (228, Cameron, NC) v. KANE (320)
Referee: Mike Chioda

Lita, the prize of this match, is at ringside to observe and look fat. She's showing, you know! Hardy jumps all over Kane right away with forearms and other such. Bulldog is blocked, Hardy stands on the bottom rope and lures Kane into the side effect. Cover, 2, shoulder up. Baseball slide dropkick and Kane gets to the apron. Hardy chokes away, right, right, kick to the side of the head, kick to the side of the head, to the second rope, legdrop over the hanging Kane. Cover, 2, shoulder up. "Oh he's a man, alright, he's THE man! He's the man that impregnated Lita!" Hardy with a tornado DDT, cover, another two count. Hardy is just destroying him. Roundhouse rights and lefts from Hardy, but he backs away and walks back into a thrust to the throat. I wonder if he thrusted into Lita's throat? Oh my. Kane with a choke. The crowd is totally dead. Right in the corner, right to follow, he manages a right, there's a right, and he'll choke him with his boot. Kane jaws with Lita. This gives Hardy time to recover, and he drops down on a Kane charge at the ropes. Slingshot plancha to the floor, uhhh!, Twist of Fate on the floor! Fun visual with Hardy counting behind Chioda in the ring and trying to get him to speed it up. Kane is back in at nine. Hardy is right on him with kicks to the chest, and Lita has the ring bell. Lita distracts Chioda, Hardy gets the bell - BAM! Down goes Kane. 1, 2, foot on the ropes. Why...doesn't Lita just hit Matt Hardy and get Kane DQ'd? Oh well. Hardy up top, flying nothing is caught with the chokeslam, but Hardy fights away. More big rights, kick, twist of fate, shoved away, BIG BOOT. Kane is going up top now. If he does a 450 I'll be pretty surprised. Well, Hardy cuts him off before he can do one anyway. Matt Hardy is trying a DDT or something, but forget it - CHOKESLAM FROM THE TOP ROPE! 1, 2, 3. (6'08") See you in six-to-eight months, Matt. Kane is just thrilled and tries to get Lita to come and hug him, but she runs away, flailing her arms about.

Backstage, RANDY ORTON is with Todd. WHOA WHOA WHOA, TODD, OKAY? LET ME ASK *YOU* A QUESTION, TODD. OKAY? A QUESTION, TODD, A QUESTION. WHOA WHOA. OKAY? "Upset?! Todd, Todd, why would anyone be upset - okay? Tonight is a night for celebration. SummerSlam 2004 is going to go down in history, okay? Because one of the most talented, one of the youngest, most charismatic, and best-looking WWE superstars is going to ascend to greatness tonight. Tonight will be -" What's he looking at? Oh, JOHN CENA. "The night that the Franchise opened up SHOP on Booka T's ass! And we doin' big business right here in Toronto. Thanks for the introduction, bro, y'just called me the youngest, best-looking, most charismatic superstar in the WWE! (To Todd) Hey Randy Junior, see to it he get some wristbands, a visor, we gonna get you some merch, you gonna look nice. But I'm a fan'o yours too. And I know you got fans out there. We gon' see how many fans you got out there. Hey yo Tdot, can y'hear me? D'y'all - LIKE Randy Orton? Hmm. Not so good. I'ma try anotha one, I'ma try anotha one. Hey yo Tdot - tonight, is Randy Orton gon' beat Chris Benoit for the world heavyweight championship? AHOOHOO - well, at least you got the people behind ya. AHA!" Cena leaves. "Todd, I don't care what a bunch of ass-backward Canadians think. And I sure as hell don't care what John Cena has to say. QUITE FRANKLY! I find it rather pathetic that Cena had to interrupt my interview to get a little bit of airtime. 'Cause there is nobody, there is nothing, more important than Randy Orton, okay? Now tonight, not only am I gonna beat Chris Benoit, but I am gonna make history - I am gonna leave the Air Canada Centre the youngest world heavyweight champion - EVER."

Here is a beautiful shot of beautiful Toronto and the beautiful Air Canada Centre

Official Theme Song of SummerSlam: "Summertime Blues" by Rush

BEST-OF-FIVE SERIES, MATCH ONE
BOOKER T (United States champion, 256, Houston, TX) v. JOHN CENA (248, West Newbury, MA)
Referee: Charles Robinson

Trade of rights to start, Booker goes to the midsection and forearms Cena's back to take the advantage. Cena with a clothesline, cover, 2. Jawing and shoving, collar-and-elbow and Booker goes to a hammerlock. Cena reverses. Elbow to the face by Booker, chop, forearm, right to the stomach and Cena backs down. Booker off the ropes, hiptoss is blocked, Cena with a crappy clothesline and ugly throwback. Cena with a side headlock after a two-count, and Booker lifts him and drops him crotch-first over the top rope. Booker knocks him to the floor, takes a quick breather, and goes after him. Booker with a...wow, Cole's having trouble too. Let's go to him. "Booker T with that!...blow...to the spine. of John Cena." Back in, T hits the sidekick to the head. Kneedrop and the crowd is trying to come alive in Cena's favor, but it's not going so well for them. This crowd is awful. Booker mounts and lays in some rights. Pulled up, forearm to the jaw, and another, Cena fires back with rights. Jumping leg lariat from Booker ends Cena's momentum, and Booker gets the camel clutch on. "Shades of the great Iron Sheik." Oh Cole, you're smart. I was watching Mid-South stuff on Cheap Seats (they know wrestling is fake!) and two things I noticed: people that don't know wrestling are pretty bad at making fun of it, and Iron Sheik finished Buddy Landell with a dope German suplex. Anyway, Booker continues to dominate this match, and goes to the chinlock. "John Cena, he does run to a different drum." Tazz has a problem with that one, too. Cena with a quick small package, two-count and Booker goes right back on offense. Boot to the gut, axe kick misses and Booker holds his ass. Both men down. Jeez, that must've REALLY hurt Booker's ass. Cena blocks a right, throws one, throws two, throws three, four, five, Booker whips Cena in, shoe up on the charge. Cena off the ropes, but Booker catches him with a flapjack. Spinaroonie! Booker pulls him up, Cena catches him off-guard - FU! 1, 2, 3. Oh. Oh! Okay. (6'25") Cena goes up 1-0.

Backstage, THEODORE R. LONG talks to himself. ERIC BISCHOFF comes in. "Huh. Well well well - the head cracka in charge o' Raw! What can I do for ya, playa?" "Well, Theodore R. Long." "That's me!" "I just thought I'd stop by and congratulate you. Your new position as General Manager of SmackDown!, very, very proud of you." "Thanks a lot!" "Very proud of you. You know, it seems like every time we have one of these Raw/SmackDown! joint pay-per-views, I'm dealing with another General Manager from SmackDown!. I mean, what are you now? Number...four? Let's see there's been Stephanie McMahon, Paul Heyman, Kurt Angle...and now you. But, listen, really, I just came by to congratulate you, maybe give you a little advice. I think that you should really learn as much as you can while you're on the job, ENJOY it as much as you possibly can. Because at the rate we're going, by the time there's another joint Raw/SmackDown! pay-per-view - Survivor Series - well, let's just say I DOUBT you'll be around. Don't take it personally! Nothing personal. It's just...reality." "Well you know somethin', Eric? I can appreciate that. Just like you can appreciate this. Now tonight, I don't know whether your nephew Eugene will beat Triple H or not. And you know, I don't even know whether you'll ever succeed getting rid of him. But I do know this, playa. If you should ever do, then I got no problem signing Eugene to SmackDown!, and making him the biggest superstar ever. Now that not only goes for Eugene, that goes for any superstar on Raw, that are sick of you, and they want out! Now, that's nothing personal, that's just reality, playa. Y'feel me? Now you betta holla holla holla."

LATER - Diva Dodgeball. Let's take a look at the Raptors practice facility where this was taped earlier will happen later.

TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP
BATISTA (challenger, 318, Washington, D.C.) v. CHRIS JERICHO (challenger, 230, Manhasset, NY) v. EDGE (champion, 250, Toronto's Own)
Referee: Chad Patton

Being from Toronto doesn't stop Toronto from booing the crap out of Edge. "Well certainly Edge getting a standing ovation here in the Air Canada Centre!" Edge never met his father? That sucks. Batista nails Edge during his posing, and the bell rings. Edge's red pants are terribly ugly. BIG "Y2J" chant as the crowd wakes up for the first time since the six-man match. Jericho hammers away on Batista, but Batista isn't game for a whip to the corner. Back elbow from Batista, into the corner, shoulderblock w/leg kick, and another. Into the opposite corner, Jericho stumbles out and into a shoulderblock. Powerslam and Batista is getting a half-and-half reaction. Set for the power bomb, but Edge cuts it off with a chop block. Edge stomps away at Batista, and Jericho is now the one who will sit on the floor. I hate three-ways. Edge off the middle rope, caught with a boot to the gut, Batista powers him up. Snake eyes! Hooonk. Batista sets for the lariat, Jericho grabs the foot and crap, but gets kicked away. Edge dropkicks Batista. For all his improvement, Batista still has a hell of a time falling through the top and middle ropes. Edge helps him out by clotheslining him over the top. Big boos for Edge. Hooonk. Edge goes out and drop toe-holds Batista into the steps. Is that a "we want Christian" chant? Edge and Jericho in the ring. Chops and Edge wins the fight, off the ropes, kneelift to Jericho. BIG boos and Edge is smirking it up. Jericho goes for the Walls of Him, but Edge cradles him for a two-count. Right, right and Jericho backs away. Off the ropes, clothesline ducked by Jericho, and Edge is caught with a crossbody. Edge rolls through, tries to use the ropes, and gets two. Walls of Jericho! Edge struggles and reaches, reaches, reaches for the bottom rope - but Jericho pulls him back to the center. Batista is there for the save, though. Jericho gets dumped out, hitting his shoulder on the ringpost on the way down. Batista misses the lariat, but Edge hits a tornado DDT (big boos) - 1, 2, Batista gets the shoulder up. Edge sets for the spear, Toronto is unreceptive. Jericho with the pick! Jericho turns around into a Batista spinebuster, though. It'll quiver your liver! 1, 2, Edge saves. Off the ropes goes Edge, backdrop telegraphed by Batista. Batista tries to spinebuster Edge, but Edge slides down with a schoolboy for two. Batista sent to the floor trying another KO clothesline, and Jericho sneaks in to schoolboy Edge for two. Big Y2J chant. King is amazed at the crowd. Jericho gets boots up in the corner, "bulldog" is blocked, off the ropes, "bulldog" hits this time. Jericho with the springboard dropkick on Batista - Edge spears Jericho! 1, 2, 3, and Edge retains to no response. He seems...annoyed. (8'25")

WrestleMania XX on Fanatic Series - I assume the edited VHS version that cuts out junk.

NEXT - Eddie Guerrero v. Kurt Angle. Video package. I'm PSYCHED.

KURT ANGLE (237, Pittsburgh, PA, with Luther Reigns) v. EDDIE GUERRERO (228, El Paso, TX)
Referee: Brian Hebner

Tazz wonders where Guerrero found a low rider in Toronto. Meanwhile, the windshield says LowLifeCustoms.com. "Eddie" chants start up at the bell. Collar-and-elbow, Angle shoots for the double-leg and ends up with a waistlock takedown. Guerrero stands it up, tussle, Eddie with a nice fireman's carry takedown. Angle stands it, jockeying for position and Angle uses his power to take it to the ropes. "Let's Go Angle" chant. Standoff, tentative moving in, and a knuckle lock. Guerrero shoots for the ankle, but Angle sits on his knees to block. Double-leg from Angle, Guerrero kicks him away, and Eddie takes him down with a headlock. Angle to a knee, Eddie moves to a rear chinlock. Angle with an armdrag and a top wristlock. Guerrero stands, fireman's carry and a deep armdrag into an armbar. Guerrero twists the arm, hammerlock applied. Angle with a big German suplex and he holds on. Attempt at a second, Eddie toe-holds him over and has an ankle lock! Angle tries to get the ropes as Eddie wrenches away. Angle turns over onto his back, and pulls Eddie down, thumbing him into the eye to break out. Angle Slam! ?? Angle is limping and he's dropping the straps - whoa, already? Eddie's bleeding from around the thumbed eye. Angle with the ankle lock! Eddie rolls, but Angle won't let go. Eddie grabs his own ankle lock, and Angle kicks low to get out of that. Ankle lock is still on. Guerrero reaches the bottom rope and Angle uses the full four-count to break. Reigns gets a shot in to the side of the head while Angle distracts Hebner. Back to the ankle lock again. Ropes, but Angle drags him over to the post and slams the ankle off of it. Back in, Guerrero throws chops and thumbs him in the eye. Chop again, Angle just drops down and goes to the ankle again. He doesn't have the ankle lock, but he's working the leg over. Angle starts for an STF, but is a little too far back to have it on properly. Angle releases that and goes right back to the leg. He's...untying his boot. Ooh. Eddie tries to use his free boot to rake at Angle's eyes, and suddenly hooks a cross armbreaker, which Angle quickly gets away from. Eddie with forearms and Eddie's boot is definitely unlaced. Angle with another drop toe-hold and he's twisting the ankle further. Another almost-an-STF, now into a regular rear chinlock.

Up, Eddie ducks a clothesline - Angle Slam from Eddie Guerrero! Both men are down. Luther would look tougher if he didn't have those big earrings that 14-year old nu metal fans wear. Angle with two rights, three, fourth is blocked. Eddie fires back with six right hands, a shimmy, and a seventh to put Angle down. Guerrero grabs at the ankle, but turns his attention to Angle, who is back on his feet. Triple verticals! Eddie staggers to the apron, up top for the frog splash, and Angle pops up, runs the buckles and hits the overhead throw from the top. Cover - 1, 2, shoulder up! Angle tries a second Angle Slam, but Eddie has every move in the world scouted to counter with a DDT, and this one is NO DIFFERENT. You can't _____ Eddie! Guerrero back up for the frog splash - Angle rolls away! Angle Slam connects this time - 1, 2, SHOULDER UP! Angle now just rips the unlaced boot right off, and he's got the ankle lock again. Eddie kicks his legs around, and Angle ends up colliding with Brian Hebner, so we've got no referee. Guerrero grabs the boot - shot to Angle! Shot to Luther! He looks at Hebner, who's stirring...so Eddie hits the mat. Two count with both men down, Eddie's got life and a smile. Guerrero up top - frog splash! 1, 2, KICKOUT! Guerrero can't believe it. Angle grabs the ankle again, and he's got it. Rolled, held on. Angle tries to grapevine the leg, but Eddie won't let him. Now he's got it, and the crowd knows that's it. Eddie Guerrero taps out! (13'37") THIS WAS AWESOME

Raw and Clearasil Ultra presents Unforgiven on September 12

NEXT - HHH v. Eugene

TRIPLE H (265, Greenwich, CT) v. EUGENE (242, Louisville, KY)
Referee: Jack Doan

I expected the Canadians to not be the ideal Eugene audience, and they don't surprise me. Trade of rights to start, and HHH lifts a knee into Eugene's stomach to take the advantage. Right puts him down, into the corner, another right, stomp, and Jack Doan is getting in the middle. Another right from HHH. Whip reversed, Eugene puts Helmsley down with a back elbow. HHH into the corner, out, high backdrop. Helmsley bails. Double axhandle off the apron. H grabs Lilian Garcia as a shield, then shoves her down hard. Eugene tries to help her and gets nailed by Helmsley for it. Eugene's head bounced off the apron, and now we're back in. Mudhole stomping in the corner, and Helmsley goes back out as Chad Patton helps Lilian out. Helmsley takes the Spanish table apart, and he's going for a suplex from the apron. Eugene kicks his legs to block, and suplexes HHH back in. Big boos. Eight punches in the corner, Eugene stops to count because he's retarded, and then finishes with two more (8+2=10 - math!!). Lawler rips off Heenan with the "I said hello to Eugene once and he was stuck for an answer" joke that I remember Heenan using in regard to Warlord on a Coliseum Video tape. The match was at MSG against Kerry Von Erich and was horrible. HHH sends Eugene into the ropes, then starts grabbing at his quad. Eugene bites his finger and taps his own leg to make sure you know this isn't real, but Doan THROWS UP THE X! Doan turns away and Helmsley jumps Eugene from behind, forearming him to the floor. Back in and Helmsley gets a backbreaker. And another. Up for a slam, Eugene slips away. Headbutt to the gut, knee to the gut, off the ropes and a Benoit-style double forearm to the chest. Mudhole stomping from Eugene now. Crowd is all over Eugene and doesn't care about anything else. Helmsley begs off and tries to sucker him into a handshake, but instead Eugene puts him down with a Rock Bottom. People's elbow doesn't get completed as he bounces off one side, hits the other and runs into the spinebuster. Helmsley with a stomp, another stomp, another, another, another, and H follows with the Blatant Choke. And again. Eugene rolls out, HHH follows and sends him into the steps. Helmsley breaks the count. Helmsley with some fish hooks on the floor and now we're back in. Helmsley mounts and pummels, and goes to a dual fish hook/eye rake. Back to the center of the ring, right hand and Eugene is down. Back up, and another. Eugene starts fighting back with his own rights, off the ropes, and H grabs the sleeper.

Arm drops once. Arm drops twice. If it drops a third time I'll eat my hat. And it doesn't. (Boo) Eugene shakes his finger. (Boo) Elbows out, right hand, HHH catches him running with a boot to the gut, pedigree is countered with a backdrop. (Boo) Head to the corner, Eugene is going to 'tard up. I know, HHH, send him into the other corner. YEAH! Amazingly, the third one doesn't work either. Eugene blocks a right and starts throwing rights and lefts, a big right sending Helmsley to the mat. Clothesline, HHH slides down on a fireman's carry, boot is caught - DOUBLE BIRDS. STUNNER. HHH falls to the floor. I really wish they'd stop saying "bizarro". H gets his head cracked on the steel steps, and we're going back in. Just in time, RIC FLAIR makes his way to ringside. Eugene with a big boot on HHH, ear-cupping, big legdrop! 1, 2, kickout. Flair's on the apron, Flair's off the apron via a right hand. Eugene heads to the top rope, flying double axhandle is caught in mid-air with a kick. Pedigree is again countered, and Eugene slingshots HHH into the turnbuckle. PEDIGREE FROM EUGENE! 1, 2, Flair puts Helmsley's foot on the ropes. I'm not sure sending Flair out helps Eugene at all. In fact, I'm sure it doesn't. Flair trips Eugene in full view of Doan, which gets Doan to throw Flair out. Flair: "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck! WOOO! WOOOO! WOOO!" Behind the raving Flair, it's WILLIAM REGAL, with brass knux in hand. Down goes Flair! Regal tries to warn Eugene that HHH is behind him, but when he turns around, it's a pedigree - 1, 2, 3. (14'04") Helmsley comically pulls Flair out by the foot. Best part of this match.

DIVA DODGEBALL
TEAM DREAM (Joy, Amy, Tracie, Maria, Christy and Michelle) v. TEAM DIVA (Molly Holly, Jazz, Stacy Keibler, Gail Kim, Nidia and Victoria, with Captain Trish Stratus)
Referee: Earl Hebner

This dodgeball sucks. They stand on their lines and get thrown at. Coach says Team Dream talked some smack last Monday. It's notable that Carmella didn't show up for this, so Trish is sitting out wearing a Spurrier visor. This is like the stupidest assed thing I've ever seen. Check it out: Gail misses. Jazz misses. Christy hits Jazz, Jazz is out. Michelle drills Victoria. Michelle hits Stacy. 6-on-3. The real Divas throw like fucking girls. Michelle is winging the ball. Oh my God, this is embarrassing for the real divas. Molly is out, Joy is out. Gail is out and tries to whine her way into staying. It's FIVE-ON-ONE, Nidia v. the world. Michelle nails Nidia. Goodnight. Total massacre. Pathetic. Michelle is awesome. Trish and Victoria have a pull-apart after to make it worthwhile.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
UNDERTAKER (challenger, 305, Death Valley) v. JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD (champion, 297, New York City, with Chief of Staff Orlando Jordan)
Referee: Nick Patrick

This audience does not seem particularly chilled by Undertaker's mesmerizing entrance. Circle to start with Undertaker in his boxing stance, collar-and-elbow and Taker tosses JBL to the floor. Jordan draws Undertaker's attention on the floor, but Layfield's attempt to sneak in backfires. Right hand to the steps and back into the ring. JBL turns the tide, twisting the arm, but Undertaker comes back with rights. Whip is reversed, Bradshaw catches him with a side slam for two. JBL up top - flying shoulderblock! Off the ropes, elbowdrop, cover, 2. JBL with kneelifts and a boot to the face in the corner. Forearm, whip to the opposite corner, Taker stumbles out and catches JBL in an armbar, but Bradshaw gets the rope. Holding on with a wristlock and Undertaker uppercuts the bicep. Old School connects and actually matters since he's working the arm. Lame sorta flatliner that looks like a video game move for two. Undertaker with a triangle choke. Jordan helps JBL get the ropes. Taker eats a boot in the corner, Bradshaw comes out and Taker returns in kind. Jordan and JBL talk, Taker charges with a big boot that catches Orlando. JBL goes to the knee. Crowd is decidedly uninterested in this match and have decided to entertain themselves. JBL wraps the leg around the ringpost two times. Jordan distracts Patrick and JBL chairs Taker's knee. Another wrap around the ringpost. Undertaker kicks him away when he tries again, right hand puts JBL down on the outside. Head to the steps - UT is limping around. JBL goes right back to the leg, sending him knee-first into the steps. Jordan tosses Undertaker back in while JBL keeps Nick Patrick busy. JBL stays on the knee. Cole says the 17,000 plus in the Air Canada Centre are trying to will the Undertaker to come back, but no - they're doing the freaking wave. This is rather embarrassing. Undertaker manages to reverse JBL's legwork with the worst half-Boston ever. JBL gets the ropes and Taker kicks him. Taker with a rolling kneebar and honestly it's too bad the crowd decided they weren't going to give this a tenth of a chance, because these two are working hard. Taker no-sells a forearm to the back and sends it back to the floor. Into the Spanish table, over the apron, and Undertaker drives the elbow in. Crowd: "SPAN ISH TAY BULL" Wow. Jordan tries to help JBL up, and does. JBL with a hotshot-like maneuever, snapping Taker's throat over the top rope. JBL decides to go up top, which is an interesting idea. It gets him punched in the stomach three times. Superplex by Undertaker - cover, 2, shoulder up.

Kick to the gut, and Taker sets for the last ride. JBL goes to the bad knee to cut that off, and Bradshaw is working a spinning toe-hold. Well, he did briefly team with Terry Funk. He might want to, uh, grab the toe. But whatever. Spinebuster from Undertaker, another two-count. Big right from JBL, Undertaker returns. Back-and-forth rights, and Undertaker wins that battle. Taker with the jumping clothesline, he shakes his knee a little, runs, clothesline in the corner. Again. Up for the tombstone - no, snake eyes. Way to rip off Batista. Lariat from Undertaker! 1, 2, JBL rolls the shoulder. Hook the leg, for God's sake. CHOKESLAM! 1, 2, Bradshaw kicks out AGAIN. Up for the tombstone, Jordan's in and gets hit with a soupbone. Taker turns around - CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL. "Shades of this past Thursday on Smackdown!" Is there really no limit to "shades of"? Four people try to get a "Let's Go Taker" chant going, it doesn't work much. Undertaker with rights, corner whip is stopped, so Undertaker sends him back the other way, which squishes Nick Patrick. Both of them throw big boots, and both men are down. The referee is down. Orlando Jordan might still be down - nope, he's got the belt. What a terrible throw. Belt shot! Patrick is still dead. Jordan gets in and drags Patrick over, then counts with his hand - 1, 2, Undertaker kicks out. Jordan is great stopping the count at 2 1/2. Jordan goes after Undertaker with lame rights, but gets sent out. Another lariat from JBL, who picks him back up, and decides to go for a ten-punch. YOU IDIOT! Guess what, shithead Undertaker uses that to do the last ride on someone he can't fucking pick up again. He's only been doing that for FOUR YEARS. Cover, 2, JBL's ass, JBL gets the shoulder up. Up for the tombstone, Jordan is in with the belt, Taker boots him down. UT has the belt - belt shot to Bradshaw! Patrick saw it, though. Oops. (DQ - 17'37") Undertaker hasn't gotten enough, though. He rips the horns off the limo, then TOTALLY WHIFFS on a big right hand. I mean just absolutely misses. Scoop aaand a slam on the hood, and JBL's foot goes through the windshield for effects' sake. Undertaker is leaving - or is he? Nah. Nah. He's not satisfied. Instead, he'll chokeslam JBL through the top of the limo. Let's just move on, as Tazz bemoans the lack of class shown by the crowd when they don't buy this at all, then Orlando Jordan turns it into comedy.

WrestleMania 21 in Los Angeles

Beautiful Air Canada Centre in beautiful Toronto

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
RANDY ORTON (challenger, micproblems55 pounds, St. Louis, MO) v. CHRIS BENOIT (champion, 229)
Referee: You Screwed Bret

Bell rings with both men staring each other down. JR warns of the sudden RKO and Benoit's superior mat skills. Circle, collar-and-elbow, break immediately. Circle again, collar-and-elbow, another break immediately. Circle, C&E goes this time, and Benoit bulls Orton into the corner. Rough but clean break. Earl had sex with Bret. Hammerlock from Orton, Benoit drops down and toe-holds Orton to the mat. Benoit grabs a chinlock trying for the crossface right away. Orton bulls Benoit to the corner this time, and breaks clean. Orton wants the knuckle lock. Benoit will go with it. Orton positions his leg to try and trip Benoit down, but Benoit bridges up, kicks the right arm free and goes to a wristlock. Back heel trip and he's got a standing armbar on. Deep armdrag from Benoit and back to the left arm again. Orton stands it up, forearms out, off the ropes, shoulderblock - POSE. Off again, leapfrog over Benoit on the mat, and Benoit catches him with another deep armdrag, and goes back to the armbar. Benoit tries to get the sharpshooter, but Orton counters and gets his own. Well. Relatively. Worst sharpshooter I have ever seen. Yes, I remember Rock's. Benoit powers up and turns it around, and that is probably the second-worst sharpshooter I have ever seen. Benoit drops out of it and right into a crossface attempt, but Orton rolls out to the floor. Benoit holds on - LIKE A PIT BULL! LIKE A WOLVER INE! - but Orton sends him into the post. Shoulder into the post. Orton continues to beat on him on the floor, back in, Orton uses the ropes on a pin but Hebner sees it. Orton stays on the shoulder. Benoit stands up and chops away, Orton comes back quickly. Suplex over the top rope from Orton, forearm to the top of the head. Orton tries to suplex him back in, but Benoit throws elbows and knees. Orton responds with forearms and joins Benoit on the apron. Chop! DDT on the apron from Benoit. JR doesn't much react to that like he should have. Then again, neither does the crowd. Cover, 2, kickout. Orton rolls out, but gets dropkicked on the baseball slide. Benoit will fly - Benoit will crash into the wall on the suicide dive. That move is foolish. Orton brings Benoit back in and covers right away - two count. Forearms to the chest and a NECK SNAP! SHADES OF ZEUS!! "Almost a modified camel clutch, King." Almost, yes. Benoit fights up, but Orton has him up in a gutwrench on his shoulder - and drops him down into what was maybe supposed to be a neckbreaker. Cover, 2, Benoit gets the shoulder up.

Orton, surprised, chokes away. That was scintillating - let's see it again. Orton WORKS DA CHINLOCK! Work it, Randy! Work it! Yeah, bite his fingers! If you weren't aware, we're LIVE! Chops from Benoit, Benoit ducks a clothesline, mid-air collision and both men are down. Benoit with a scary backdrop, and he's looking for the Germans. Orton elbows him away, but the last one is ducked and countered with a northern lights suplex - 1, 2, kickout. Chop! Chop! Benoit puts him up top - superplex? Nope, Orton punches him away. Orton's perched - Flying crossbody hits, Benoit can't roll through and Orton gets two. That hit really high. Orton is ready - he's coiled - he's poised - RKO is shoved off, and Benoit hits the left-arm lariat. "Modified clothesline" - God, fuck you JR. Sharpshooter is blocked, both up, roundhouse right ducked, release German! Benoit goes back to the sharpshooter, and he's GOT IT. Orton valiantly struggles and reaches the bottom rope. One German suplex! Two German suplexes! Three German suplexes! JR: "If I was Orton I'd be sayin' NEIN! Which is NO!" Four German suplexes! Five German suplexes! Six German suplexes! JR has "never seen" that many German suplexes. JR doesn't have a good memory. Cut da t'roat! Benoit goes up top - flying headbutt is brilliantly met with Randy Orton's boots. Both men are down again. Orton goes for the cover, but Benoit SUCKERED HIM IN and he's got the crossface on. Roll through, Benoit holds on, Orton gets free. Forearms to the back, elbow, RKO, blocked, spin - RKO!!! 1, 2, 3!!! (20'07") Randy Orton ends the 17th SummerSlam with the RKO to become the youngest champion in WWE history, at 24 years old. Benoit is up - he tells Orton to be a man. He extends his hand - Orton shakes it. Benoit leaves, and Orton is in tears celebrating his victory. Goodnight from Toronto!

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Great American Bash - SmackDown! Recaps - No Mercy
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