Smackdown presents The Great American Bash - 06/27/04
by Scott Christ

I didn't really pay attention to Heat except when Dawn Marie told Todd she hadn't shown him all her stars yet. And I'm pretty sure Ivory acted all WACKY.

The question of why I ordered this show is a stupid one, I order all the shows, where have you been?

Live on June 27, 2004 from the Norfolk Scope in Norfolk, VA.

Let's start off with our match on Heat.

SPIKE DUDLEY (150, homeless, with Subway presents The Great American Bash) v. JAMIE NOBLE (200, Hanover, WV): Your referee is Charles Robinson. I like how they always say that Smackdown is the exclusive home to cruiserweight action as if they showcase it. Or do anything with it. Noble's trunks are really dumb and cool at the same time. Dumb just because the flag doesn't match the rest of the trunks at all. Noble starts fast, whips Spike off the ropes, and Spike gets his first move in with a spinning headscissors. Out of the corner, Noble catches him with a powerslam for two. Hey look, it's Tye Dye Guy. Noble with kicks to the back and a driving elbow, cover, 2. Cover, 2. This Jamie Noble is relentless. Noble crosses Spike's arms over his own throat trying to choke him out. Up and out of that, Noble wants a full nelson slam or something, Spike gets a pinning combination for two. Vertical attempted, Spike slides, standing switch, and Noble is through the ropes to the floor. Count is on and it gets to six. Spike joins Noble on the floor and slams him, then follows up with a demon stomp from the apron. Rolled back in, cover, 2. I'm really trying to ignore the talk about the concrete crypt. Dudley with the battering ram, Dudley Dog attempt, and Noble cuts him off with a reverse neckbreaker. Tiger driver attempt, Spike avoids it. Backdrop, no, sunset flip from Noble, 2, Robinson catches Noble grabbing the rope. Schoolboy from Spike, 2. Dudley Dog! 1, 2, 3. (04'12")

Hype for the concrete crypt match and maybe there was another package for the title match, but I switched off too quick to find out.

Bradshaw and Eddie, Cena and Dupree and RVD and Booker, Undertaker and Dudleys, it's all tonight!

TORRIE WILSON welcomes us to The Great American Bash!

Smackdown and Subway present The Great American Bash! Fireworks and people in the Navy! Your hosts are MICHAEL COLE and TAZZ, unless you speak Spanish, and then your hosts are HUGO SAVINOVICH and CARLOS CABRERA.

JOHN CENA (Michael Vick, Virginia Tech No. 7) is out to "rap". "Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!" Yo! "I ain't rapped in awhile, but we up in the seven cities, this is the Great American Bash up in here! Y'all can do better than that, make some noise! (Cena Cena Cena Cena) Tonight, Kurt Angle really wants me to lose. (boo) This is no joke. But I'm STILL here and ready to kick ass up in No'fo'k! He's tryin' to eliminate me, yo, that's his plan. But tonight, I'm gonna beat three dudes just like Kurt Angle's hand. The only reason Kurt even MADE this match a four-way, is so Lumpy and Luther can start in with some foreplay. So I, I scouted RVD, and that rollin' thunda stunt. Tonight, only thing Van Dam rollin' is blunts. And check this - I ain't worried about Booker T. That dude hangs out where the cross-dressin' hookers be! He's gone way downhill since - G.I. Bro. He just a small-time sucka, like a knee-high ho. And Rene, wit' his dance. You know he's tryin' to be me! He can't see me! That punk is more of a bitch than Fifi! But - but the Navy's in the house. (yay!!!!!!!!!) And that's why Rene is steamin'. He gets really overexcited when he's surrounded by the seamen. Now y'all know the champ is here! So we runnin' the show! And if y'all don't know by now, we didn't want'cha to know, word life!" That was terrible.

FOUR-WAY ELIMINATION MATCH FOR THE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP - JOHN CENA (champion, 248, West Newbury, MA) v. ROB VAN DAM (challenger, 230, Battle Creek, MI) v. RENE DUPREE (challenger, 260, Paris, France, with Fifi) v. BOOKER T (challenger, 256, Houston, TX): Your referee is Brian Hebner. This is under tornado rules, which is interesting. Booker and Cena argue, but RVD and Cena take Booker and Dupree down. Face-to-face with RVD and Cena, and they "duke it out", to some extent. The two heels come back and Dupree has some Macho Man jabs for Cena. Booker and RVD to the floor. Booker takes the advantage on the floor, sending RVD into the wall and the steps. Dupree with a vertical suplex on Cena, one-count. Cena with elbows and a right, Dupree rakes the eyes. Dupree with a dropkick to the back, cover, 2, and Booker is just watching from the floor. Dupree with another near-fall. Cena with a horrible inverted atomic drop, but then Dupree dumps him to the floor. Dupree struts and challenges Booker T to get in. Booker isn't having it - he'll throw RVD in instead. Crappy snapmare, Hennig neck snap by Dupree. Crappy ... kneedrop? Fistdrop? This is pretty bad so far. There's Tazz's favorite move - the rear naked choke, or as you and I know it, the CHINLOCK. Michael Cole mentions Fit Finlay when talking about Booker T. RVD with a kick to the nose on Dupree, slips on the split-legged moonsault, right back up and he hits it. Cover, 2. Spin kick from Van Dam, off the ropes, that rollin' thunda stunt - 1, 2, kickout. Cena and Booker are looking on and not doing anything else. This makes it seem like those are the rules. Van Dam slingshots Dupree to the floor. So we're at a standstill. Cena goes over to stand by Dupree, and Van Dam slingshots over with a somersault plancha. That looked really hokey. "For Rob Van Dam, uh, not his first, uh, trampoline here." I'll bet. Van Dam and Cena in, RVD gets two. Rollup, two. Cena with a kick to the gut, set for a vertical, Van Dam packages him, two. Cena gets two on another cradle. RVD to the floor to stand by Booker T, and Booker gets thrown in. Cena with a schoolboy, two. This match really looks stupid with two guys just standing around on the floor all the time. Dupree and Booker in, Dupree with a powerslam. People's elbow? Absolutely not, the French Tickler! Off the ropes, Booker with a spinebuster. Cole begins getting names wrong. Van Dam up top with both men down - five star frog splash on Dupree! RVD lays there, dorkily kicking his legs around, but oh! He was playing possum! Cena goes up and Van Dam knocks him off, then Van Dam hits the five star on Booker T. Cena comes back in with a schoolboy on Van Dam - 1, 2, 3! Van Dam is eliminated. (08'18")

Dupree inside, Booker gets the jump on Cena when Cena goes to the floor. Back in and Booker and Dupree double up on Cena. Suplex from Booker, kneedrop and Dupree points at him as if this is an nWo beatdown. Dupree with his own kneedrop. Harlem sidekick from Booker, Dupree pins, and Booker pulls him off? Booker T is an idiot. Dupree schoolboys Booker, two, and they shove each other. Cena takes them down with a double clothesline and some back elbows. Sandwiched in the corner, backdrop on Dupree, throwback on Booker. "John Cena is PUMPIN' - IT - UP" as if him pumping his shoes up makes him somehow more effective. FU on Dupree, Booker with the scissors kick on Cena, and Booker chooses to cover Dupree. 1, 2, 3. Dupree is eliminated. (11'16")

Booker covers Cena, 2. Cover again, 2. Booker with a side slam, cover, 2. Cena starts throwing punches, Booker catches him with a back elbow after Cena hits the ropes. Cover, 2. Rear naked choke. Cena with rights and lefts, but Booker with a side kick to stop the momentum again. Let's recall Undertaker tombstoning Cena many times and how Booker's "chokes" and "submissions" on the neck affect Cena. Booker gets the cobra clutch, but Cena is out pretty quickly. Booker with a knee to the chest, right is blocked, Cena right, blocked right, Cena right, Cena with a clothesline. He needs to get to the pound n' ground attack. Someone, seriously, please, make him stop that. Why has he gotten that wrong for a year? U CANT C ME! Five knuckle shuffle, cover, 2. Booker with a kick to the gut, chop! Whip to the corner, reversed, Booker kicks up and breaks out the roll-up that he beat Benoit with in the best of seven, 2. Superkick and Booker is setting up - kick to the stomach, off the ropes, scissors kick misses, kick to the gut, FU! 1, 2, 3, John Cena retains. (15'51") This was not good.

After some replays, we go backstage, where Cena gets congratulated by CHARLIE HAAS and, more importantly, MISS JACKIE. "Thanks, darlin', you look good." "Thank you." "You know I got the belt, but, uh - g- I also got it below da belt. Hit me up on da two-way." What a faggot. Cena leaves, and here comes KURT ANGLE. "I can't believe this! I can't believe how far you have fallen, Charlie. You used to be my protégé. You had so much potential. Now look at you. Hangin' around with John Cena, flirtin' with Miss Jackie. You used to care about nothin' but WRESTLING. I am so disappointed in you." "You know what, Kurt, I could care less -" "Oh now you're mouthin' off to me! Well that's a big mistake. Because I have a new protege - a bigger and better protege. And his name is Luther Reigns. And I promised Luther Reigns a match tonight at the Great American Bash. Heh heh - and you know somethin'? I can't think of a more fitting opponent than you, Charlie. So if you two had any plans for tonight, I've cancelled 'em. 'Cause your match with Luther is comin' up next. Good luck. Excuse me." I don't know what plans Haas would've had, standing around in his gear.

Let's go to a hot tub with SABLE. "The Smackdown Divas will be hosting the Great American Bash, right here from this hot, steamy water. We will be interviewing the biggest stars on Smackdown, and since I have the honor of conducting the very first interview, I will be interviewing the biggest star of all - me. Now tonight, I have a match against Torrie Wilson. Everyone thinks that Torrie Wilson is the all-american girl. But nobody looks better in redwhiteandblue than me."

CHARLIE HAAS (241, Edmund, OK, with Miss Jackie) v. LUTHER REIGNS (290, Phoenix, AZ, with Kurt Angle, crippled): Angle slaps Luther before we start. Your referee is Jimmy Korderis. Haas with a waistlock, trying to bring Luther down, but Luther maneuvers into the corner instead and gets the clean break. Reigns with a kneelift and some kicks in the corner. Luther's a lefty. Schoolboy from Haas gets two. Yakuza kick from Luther, Haas is down. Cole and Tazz take this as a great exhibition of Luther's power. Tazz also thinks Luther eats butterflies. Angle looks on, impressed, crippled. Backbreaker from Reigns, cover, 2. Knee into the back with Haas draped over the middle rope. Haas comes back with a dropkick, a second, right, whip is reversed and Haas is sent to the floor. Reigns drives Haas into the apron, rolled back in, and we go to a chinlock. That is really bad flow. The crowd absolutely does not care about this and they're getting no reason to start, either. Reigns breaks out a nice single-leg crab with the knee in the spine. Angle looks on, leisurely, crippled: "Make him tap!" Haas gets out of the hold, off the ropes, and he runs into a powerslam. Nevermind, Haas slides down and gets a cradle for two. Then he runs into a lariat. Cover, 2. "Time is an issue, Luther. C'mon." Luther charges the corner. Running is not his strong suit. Haas with a t-bone suplex, some call it exploda suplex. Oklahoma roll from Haas gets two. Haas with a German with a bridge, 2. Charlie charges the corner, nobody home, shoulder is posted. Luther with the twisting neckbreaker/DDT thing. 1, 2, 3. (07'11") Why does Angle have a French wheelchair? This was not good.

JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD is backstage. "At Judgment Day, John Bradshaw Layfield guaranteed victory over Eddie Guerrero. And at Judgment Day, John Bradshaw Layfield delivered victory over Eddie Guerrero. Like I always do! What I say, I do! What I want, I get. The only reason that Eddie Guerrero is WWE champion right now is he got himself disqualified on purpose at Judgment Day. That is FACT! That is documented FACT. Tonight, Eddie (jingle jingle cowbell), you can't get your disqualified, because there are no disqualifications. This is my match, the Texas bullrope match, my rules. I am gonna drag your carcass all over this arena. I have been villified by the press, by the people - I'd say by my peers, but I have no peers! Well today is the day of reckoning! Today is John Bradshaw Layfield's vindication! The day I shove it down you peoples' throats! You would think that Norfolk, Virginia, a military town - that a great american like me, at the Great American Bash, would receive a hero's welcome. Well I haven't. And I know why. You see, because I am a great american. I expose you people for what you are. I make you look in your own souls, and you don't like what you see, so you turn your anger on me. Well tonight I don't just guarantee victory - oh I guarantee victory, alright. But tonight, your worst nightmare comes true. Because tonight, I guarantee you - I GUARANTEE YOU - at the Scope Arena, in Norfolk, Virginia, that John Bradshaw Layfield will become the new WWE champion."

Outside, it's Norfolk! Subway presents the Great American Bash, a production of Smackdown. Eat fresh!

CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - CHAVO GUERRERO (challenger, 213, El Paso, TX) v. REY MYSTERIO (champion, 175, San Diego, CA): Your referee is Charles Robinson. Tazz hypes the "fast-paced, high-risk" style of the cruiserweight division. Collar-and-elbow, Chavo with a waistlock takedown, Mysterio counters over into la magistral (Tazz: "that's, uh, that's a bandito") for two. Another cradle for two. Michael Cole asks Tazz about the contrast of styles, and oh boy just TRY to shut him up from saying nothing over and over again for the next couple minutes. Chavo bars the arm and goes to a wristlock. Rey head-flips out, but Chavo gets it right back. Mysterio moonsaults out of it and kicks Chavo in the bicep. Armdrag and Mysterio grabs the armbar. Back standing now, and they're tentative. Chavo goes to the gut and forearms him down. Right to the top of the head, off the ropes, Chavo goes for a dropkick but Rey holds on. Mysterio centers in on the shoulder and bicep. Mysterio to the apron, shoulder to Chavo's gut, Mysterio to the top, Chavo dropkicks him off and his knee buckles. Let's count how many times they say something about the knee "buckling". Guerrero focuses on the knee and heavens be, we've got a WWE match that's about working body parts. Mysterio knocks Chavo off the top to the floor, but Chavo trips him from the floor and wraps the leg around the post. Hard kick to the knee. Mysterio with a side headlock, but Guerrero comes out of it with the Flair kneebreaker. Back to the knee, Chavo has the single-leg liontamer. Guerrero is a jerk and grabs the eyehole of the mask. Rey uses his free leg to kick Chavo in the face, roll it around, Cole calls a wheelbarrow bulldog a "DDT". Michael Cole really sucks. Anyway, Rey has the momentum back. Chavo goes to whip Rey across the ring but the leg gives on the trip. Dropkick to the knee, Rey to the apron, Chavo suplexes him back in, cover, 2. Mysterio kicks him away and tries to walk it off, but Chavo kicks him. I could live without Rey doing a backflip. Oh so he'll do it again. Chavo shakes his foot because kicking people hurts. Guerrero bends the bad knee over his own neck and Rey tries to grab the armbar on the exposed bad arm. Chavo powers him up, Rey gets an armdrag. Mysterio fires off rights, Chavo powers him into the corner and goes back to the kicks to the leg. Chavo charges the corner, Mysterio gets his good leg up to stop him in his tracks. Rey to the second rope, Chavo gets up, electric chair, Mysterio spins around into a 'rana. Into the corner, Mysterio kicks up and lands, and the knee gives again. Into the tree of woe and Guerrero gets a boot choke in.

This is really good. Guerrero goes for a spear, Mysterio pulls himself up and Chavo is posted on the bad arm. Rey up top and he hits him with the flying ass. There's a "holy shit" chant. Back in and Chavo is still quicker than hobbling Rey. Up top, Chavo joins and goes for a superplex to the floor? Rey's not going to have that. Shots to the back from Rey, they struggle to both get up top, Chavo headbutts him twice, and they hit a double faceslam off the top into the ring. Looked a little silly. Guerrero is up first, cover, 2. Mysterio cradles, 2. Chavo catapults Rey into the corner, Rey lands on the second turnbuckle and springboards with a thrusting dropkick. Mysterio springboards with a crossbody, Russian legsweep follows, cover, 2. Chavo backdrops Mysterio to the apron, he can't stand again. Rey fights him away, springboard flying ass for two. Rey's caught - Gori Bomb! Guerrero rolls him over, 2, kickout! Chavo couldn't get the leg hooked tight enough with the bad arm. Guerrero just stomps the hell out of Rey's bad knee. Struggle up, enzuigiri from Rey! 619, springboard 'rana is caught, single-leg liontamer is locked in! The crowd has come alive. Rey scrapes the bottom rope, but Chavo pulls him back to the center. Mysterio finally does make it to the ropes and Chavo is distraught. Rey really shouldn't be able to walk at this point. Chavo drags him back out, going for the Gori Bomb again, Rey counters with a sunset flip - 1, 2, 3! Mysterio retains. (19'38") Very good match, better than their match at No Way Out, and I think the best Rey/Chavo match in WWE. They gave them the time and these guys had a damn good wrestling match that woke the crowd back up. Seven times on the knee buckling thing.

Backstage, Torrie is in a hot tub with Spike, BILLY KIDMAN and FUNAKI. What a group. "So? Are you guys surprised that Rey Mysterio kept his cruiserweight title tonight?" Kidman: "Not surprised, no, he's a great champion, but if I was in there? There would've been a new cruiserweight champion." Funaki: "Whoa, ho, whoa, excuse me. Funaki would've won." Spike: "Oh ho, excuse me, you would have won nothing. I was the one that coulda won that." Kidman: "No way, no way! I know him better than anybody!" They argue and Torrie stands up in her bikini. "I've got a match with Sable tonight and I've gotta get ready. Wish me luck!" She leaves. Funaki: "God bless America!"

Here is a beautiful shot of the beautiful Scope Arena in beautiful Norfolk. Cole loves everything that is red, white and blue. Such as the French flag.

KENZO SUZUKI (250, The Land of the Rising Sun, with Hiroko) v. BILLY GUNN (269, homeless): They give us a replay of Gunn beating Suzuki via DQ, all while telling us that he's undefeated on American soil. It doesn't ever seem to occur to either of them, either. Your referee is Nick Patrick. "The fans here in Norfolk, they love Billy Gunn. They love him!" Sounds like it. Kenzo has an extensive martial arts background. What it is they never quite get into. Judo throws and martial arts throws. Suzuki misses a powerful judo chop. Then they look at each other. Gunn with a shoulderblock, back off the ropes, double palm thrust to the chest puts Gunn down. Kneedrop misses. Gunn hits the ass laziest fisherman suplex I've ever seen, not even bothering to attempt to bridge up, and just laying there instead. Gunn gets a knee up in the corner, reverse neckbreaker, cover, 2. Hiroko fans the stench of that fisherman suplex away. Suzuki with a judo jiu-jitsu throw and a kneedrop. Nerve hold! And now TWO nerve holds. Outside of all the sucking, these nerve holds make me wonder what's so bad about Kenzo Suzuki. Falling chop to the chest, and let's go back to the nerve hold. Gunn elbows out, whip is reversed and Suzuki puts him down with a knee to the stomach. This "Bronze Warrior" shit is ridiculous. Judo chop. Tazz's extensive knowledge of martial arts is just astounding. You'd think by listening to him that he's been walking around the last seven years pretending to be a shooter. This is really bad. Gunn and Suzuki trade rights and chops, respectively. Does Suzuki have too much Honor and Nobility to punch? Or is it just that orientals don't know how to. Gunn with a shitty Stinger splash, off the ropes, fameasser isn't going, shot to the .......hamstring. Shining wizard? Is that what it was supposed to be? Two count. Lame kick to the back. "Muay Thai-like" - shut up, Tazz. Tilt-a-whirl slam by Gunn for two. My God why is this still going. Kenzo goes low, then drops the reverse DDT into the knee, and it looks absolutely atrocious. 1, 2, 3. (08'06") This match was a sick joke.

Backstage, PAULS HEYMAN AND BEARER, the latter of which is bound and gagged (every woman's dream), share a moment. "You know, something about this really bothers me. Everybody thinks I'm bluffing! The Dudleys think I'm bluffing. The authorities think I'm bluffing. Which is bad for you because then no one's gonna be there to save you. You see, you know I'm not bluffing. You know what type of man I am. You know what I'm capable of. Because if the Undertaker doesn't do the right thing tonight, I will have no problem pulling that lever. And then I'm gonna watch as the concrete flows into that crypt, and the concrete comes up past your knees, and the concrete comes up and fills your torso (ew), and then - (gasp) - then it gets even better. Oh, then it gets even better! Because I'm gonna remove that gag. Because I want to hear you scream. I wanna hear you scream for the Undertaker as the concrete comes up to your neck, and then - if the Undertaker doesn't do the right thing - I'll have no problem pulling that lever again. And I'm gonna watch as that concrete comes up past your mouth, and your nose, and your eyes, and engulfs your entire head (that'll take about half an hour), so that the Undertaker's conscience is buried in a concrete crypt. But you don't have to worry about that now, do you? I'm sure the Undertaker's gonna do the right thing, aren't you? I mean, the past three weeks, that's what he's done! The Undertaker's made the conscious decision to do the right thing. And tonight, against the Dudley Boyz, for your sake, I'm sure the Undertaker will do - the right thing." "(struggles)" "Even if the Undertaker makes the decision to do the right thing tonight - who's to say *I'll* do the right thing?" "(struggles) damn you! damn you damn you"

It's the cement mixer. But enough impending death, it's time for TITTIES

"DIVAS MATCH" - SABLE v. TORRIE WILSON: I believe Tazz just announced the popping of his boner during Sable's entrance. Cole: "You had guys like Dean Malenko and Arn Anderson hookin' up in those days, now we have Sable and Torrie!" What a step in the right direction the world has taken. Also, it's nice that that line combined with the Fit Finlay mention means they got in namedrops for all three of the Recently Retired Celebrity Road Agents. Your referee is Charles Robinson. Sable with a Hennig neck snap, which I saw earlier tonight. Hey get off the ropes Sable hey hey. C'mon break it 1. 1. 3. Yeah, Charles Robinson counts. Sable with the why are you choking yourself, which I saw earlier tonight. Torrie sells this like Billy Gunn in a nerve hold, which I saw earlier tonight. Tazz has gotten bored: "So who's got the blonder hair, Sable, Torrie or Charles Robinson?" Torrie with a suplex, 2. Dropkick, let's stand around. Chop. Back up back up back up, come back, chop. Clothesline in the corner and Sable is the epitome of lazy. HAHA TORRIEBERG AND BIG MAMA COOL!! HAHAHA!!!!! I'm clever. Head collision and Sable pretends to be knocked cold. Torrie wants to, like, pin her, but Charles Robinson isn't too into the idea. But she's playing possum - schoolboy with the tights, 2, 3. Torrie's shoulders were nowhere near down. They acknowledge. (06'07")

Backstage, THE UNDERTAKER does his Mike Fetters impression. It isn't so great.

Backstage, DAWN MARIE is set to interview Rene Dupree. "Rene, you must be upset about the fatal four-way tonight." It wasn't a fatal four-way! "The fatal four-way. The fatal four-way, yeah." No! "The fatal four-way, I got cheated, for the U.S. championship. That one? Yeah, the U.S. title that should be mine? But it's not? See, Dawn, I'm not gonna get upset, no. 'Cause French people, we don't get upset. We get even. And I'm going to get even by protesting, it's very simple. I will protest, and I will get a rematch for the U.S. championship. But as for tonight. I must say you are looking ravishing. Stunning, even. You have heard that the French are far better lovers than they are fighters, right? Would you like to see my, uh - French tickler?" He dances. NUNZIO and JOHNNY STAMBOLI interrupt. Nunzio does the talking. "Oh my God. Dawn. I have no idea what the hell that was. But you really wanna be impressed? Why don't you take a look at my fifteen inches. You betta make some room for this. Ready? BADABANG!" It's his foot!!! "Hey, Dawn. You know what they say about guys with big feet. Dawn! Guys! With BIG - FEET? Big feet?" "Big shoes?" "No! Feet, Dawn! Big feet! Capische? Ahhhh. Now you comin' around, now, I knew it." Nunzio and Dawn leave together, Johnny steps up to Rene Dupree. "Whadda you? A size six? Ahaha, stunad."

Lovely Norfuck. Cole insults Tazz's schlong.

MORDECAI (270, homeless) v. HARDCORE HOLLY (234, Mobile, AL): They start slugging right away. Holly wins the fight. Mordecai is Andre'd in the ropes and Holly punches him in the head. Kick to the face. Off the ropes, Mordecai puts the brakes on and bails. Holly comes out and is rammed into Mordecai's stupid staff. Back in and Mordecai is in control. Oh this is so, so weak. Holly is making Mordecai look like shit, which I would bet is exactly what he's not supposed to be doing. Chinlock. Cole: "Mordecai continuing the pressure on Hardcore Holly, hear me, fear me. Claims he'll devour the locker room until there is nothing left but a black, vast hole of despair." Holly wants to fight out but instead we stay in the chinlock. More slugging. Holly hotshots Mordecai, then stands there like a 'tard so Mordecai can bounce back and crash into him. Holly with a boot up in the corner and two clotheslines. Holly up top, and Mordecai stands there like a moron while Holly takes his time. Flying clothesline, cover, 2. Right, off the ropes, reversed by Mordecai, slam, slide down, inverted DDT by Holly. Cover, 2. Spinebuster bomb from Mordecai gets two. Off the ropes and Holly hits his dropkick for two. The crowd doesn't seem too excited. Alabama Slam? No, Mordecai's splash mountain. 1, 2, 3. (06'30") Total crap. This and the Suzuki match were just Undefeated Heels v. Midcard Faces Superstars main events.

Awesome Summerslam spot featuring Tajiri playing ping pong and Batista chokeslamming a long jumper. Summerslam gets the best commercials. August 15!

Video package? What, this? Now? I guess so!

TEXAS BULLROPE MATCH FOR THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP - JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD (challenger, 297, New York City) v. EDDIE GUERRERO (champion, 228, El Paso, TX): Modern technology has made its way into the bullrope match, as they have lights that turn on when someone hits a turnbuckle. JBL's lights are green (for money) and Eddie's are red (for blood). Isn't that clever? Frankly I think it's retarded. Your referee is Nick Patrick. Guerrero chokes JBL with the rope and biels him over, and then chokes him further on the mat. Bradshaw with a cowbell shot to the knee and the rope falls off Eddie's wrist, but it's okay. Bradshaw returns the choke. He also returns the biel. Sort of. Cole and Tazz explain the bullrope match, which normally I would be all offended about because I'm not stupid, you dicks, but they haven't done this match in forever and how many fans have even seen a damn bullrope match? Many? Yeah. JBL gets two corners, but Eddie cuts him off. Off the ropes, backdrop. Eddie gets two corners, Bradshaw hooks the bottom rope with his legs to cut it off. Bradshaw puts Eddie down and Patrick waves the lights off. Cowbell shot to the back. Bradshaw puts him in the tree of woe and chokes him from the floor. Bradshaw clears the monitors from the Spanish table, and bounces Eddie's head off the English table. Hook 'em, horns. On top of the English table, Bradshaw wants a power bomb through the Spanish table, but Eddie trips him with the rope to take him down. Eddie with rights and a cowbell to the back. Head into the apron, and Eddie rolls in and around the post to drag Bradshaw's shoulder into the steel. Let's do it again. Eddie comes back around, whip is reversed and Guerrero tumbles over the English table. Guerrero grabs a chair and they repeat the blindsiding chair shot from Judgment Day, this time with Eddie throwing the it. Bradshaw is busted open. Back into the ring and there's a second chairshot. One corner, two corners, three corners, Bradshaw scurries and hooks the ropes again. Guerrero comes back over to work on Bradshaw some more and the lights are waved off. Eddie with two corners, three corners, Bradshaw holds onto the ropes again. Waved off. Trade of rights and Bradshaw stuck him with that one. Boot to the face from Bradshaw, Guerrero stumbles back, walk, kick, DDT by Layfield. JBL has one light, two lights, cut off. Eddie has two lights and maybe three but Bradshaw takes him down to wave it off. Three Amigos! Eddie up top - frog splash connects! Eddie shimmies. One corner, two corners, three corners, Bradshaw rolls to the floor. Quickly on the floor, but we're back to the apron now. Bradshaw with a cowbell shot as Eddie is on the ropes, and now he has Eddie choked with the rope and biels him to the Spanish table. No breaking, just a bounce. JBL makes sure it breaks this time, power bombing him through it and going down with him. Back in, Bradshaw smiles. Two lights on, though the second one is having difficulties. Three corners! This time Guerrero hooks the rope. There's another cowbell shot. JBL gets three corners again, and is clearly able to get a fourth, but doesn't. Eddie with a cowbell to the balls and some rope whipping across the back, and now Eddie is touching corners. There's one but Bradshaw follows it. There's two, Bradshaw gets it too. Three for both. Bradshaw has Eddie down on the a clothesline in the corner, but Eddie pulls and pulls. Bradshaw can reach again. That's poor ring presence or something. Guerrero reaches down, leaps over Bradshaw, and touches the fourth for the win! (21'09") Tazz sees a problem. I see a problem. Michael Cole doesn't but he's dumb.

Kurt Angle also sees a problem. "Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie. Eddie. Listen to me. Hold on, hold on. Eddie. Listen to me. I'm not out here because of any personal vendetta. I'm out here because as the general manager, I need to do the right thing. And I need to make sure that the, the right decision was made. And Eddie, I think we all need to see the footage of the end of that match. We all need to see it, so would you please show the footage? Please." Here it is. "Eddie as you can see, as you can see, Eddie, as we can all see, that John Bradshaw Layfield's shoulder touched before your hand touched. Now the rules state - now listen to me, I don't make the rules - but the rules state that it doesn't matter which part of your body touches. All that matters is who touches first. Eddie, I'm sorry. I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I am sorry, Eddie. But as the general manager of Smackdown, I have to announce that the winner of this match ... is the NEW WWE CHAMPION, JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD!" Eddie hands the belt over. Bradshaw is the freakin' champion. And Eddie is great selling it because he knows Angle was right. Eddie chants and he gets a big ovation.

Video package

CONCRETE CRYPT HANDICAP MATCH - THE DUDLEY BOYZ (WWE tag team champions, combined 543, with Paul Heyman) v. THE UNDERTAKER (305, Death Valley): Cole lets me know the Dudleys were challenged to make headlines on every newspaper in America, and this is what they did. Well, they failed. I didn't see any "DUDLEYS KIDNAP BEARER" headlines in the Herald-Palladium. Heyman's on the mic: "Now, before this match begins, I just wanna make sure that tonight, you have decided to do the right thing. And just in case it crosses your mind not to do the right thing, this is just a mere demonstration of what will happen to Paul Bearer." Here comes some cement. Bubba has the mic: "Now, prove to the world that you are with us. Do the right thing and LAY DOWN!" There's the bell, your referee is Brian Hebner.

"Don't even think about it. That man's life is in your hands! I don't care how you feel about him! Heyman told you to do the right thing, LAY DOWN!" Undertaker is on one knee. "That's it, Undertaker." And he lays down. 1, 2, 3. Oh, to dream. Bubba is over him: "I've been waiting for this moment my whole life!" Undertaker has both of them by the throat now. Heyman is talking. "That is not what I call doing the right thing!" And the Dudleys attack. Taker dumps D-Von and Bubba will follow. Outside, Bubba bounced off the table. Taker hammerlocks D-Von and posts his shoulder. Taker and D-Von back in and Taker goes to the arm. Up for old school. "Bad dog bad dog bad dog! Bad dog! Bad dog! Bad dog! Heyman pulls the lever. Bearer is sure the Undertaker will save him. Damn you! "Bad dog. Now that's it. Bad dog! Old school is not what I call doing the right thing!" This is retarded. "Now that you're down, you're a good dog! And I'm a nice master, so don't you test me again." The lever is back up, the concrete is waist high. The Dudleys swarm again. D-Von with a legdrop and those two will stay in. D-Von chokes him. Forearm to the back, tag to Bubba Ray. Taker fights back. Backdrop on D-Von. Side slam. Taker approaches Heyman. "Hey hey hey hey! Now look at me! I know you're trying to make the Dudley Boyz earn it" blah blah blah shut up. The Dudleys cut Taker off and he pulls the lever. "For the grace of God put the damn lever up!" This is like the worst piece of shit I've ever seen except for other stuff that was worse, but still, this is awful. Bubba puts the lever up because they can finish Taker. Let's do a chinlock, D-Von. Yay! Bubba in with an elbowdrop. And another. Cover, 2. I can't take this. Undertaker makes the big comeback eventually, ending with a Tombstone on D-Von for the pin - 1, 2, 3. (14'42")

"Now, I thought we had an arrangement. I thought you and I agreed that you would do the right thing. And it's obvious to me, sir, that you care about Paul Bearer. So since you won't do the right thing, I guess I'll have to do the right thing." BUT THERE'S A LIGHTNING BOLT!!! Undertaker makes his way up the aisle as Heyman cowers. Undertaker bows to Paul Bearer. This is predictable. "Paul. I have no other choice. Rest. In. Peace." oh my god no no "I'M DYING! I'M DYING! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! NOOOOOO! UUUUUNDERTAKERRRRR! NOOOOOOO!" And look at that head floating in cement. And that's a wrap.

Two good matches, bunch of crap, horrendous ending.

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