WWE Smackdown presents Judgment Day - 05.16.04
by Scott Christ

To say the least and avoid going into it and wasting your time (and mine), I was not looking forward to this show.

However, quite frankly (1), I am sort of a... a warrior. Yeah, that's right. For you people, I will put down $35 on the biggest piece of crap imaginable. Just so, just so I can tell you how it was. How the matches were. If something funny happened. Maybe I even throw in some jokes to amuse you along the way. I work damn hard. DAMN hard. Yeah, I do.

But also I would order it anyway so you know.

We begin our painful journey on Heat, as MICHAEL COLE says lots of stupid things and TAZZ is there to back him up on every one of them. JOSH MATHEWS serves as the backstage interviewer, and then we also get segments with TODD GRISHAM and IVORY outside the building throughout the hour. Todd and Ivory attempt to do some comic duo nonsense with Ivory, of course, being the stronger of the two, and Todd being the bitch, but it doesn't work because neither of them are funny. They also both flub their lines repeatedly. I'm sure Ivory is a great lady but why does she have a job? So she can be the new Terri? Todd, I don't care about Todd. I also find it a little upsetting that Cole and Tazz do the Heat portion and not Josh and Bill, but I guess I wouldn't want to give Bill a live mic either. It strikes me that of the main trainers over the history of Tough Enough (Snow, Tazz, Ivory, Tori, Holly, Chavo, DeMott, Jacqueline), four of them are commentators, and you can add season one student Josh to that group too. Two of them will wrestle tonight for the cruiserweight title, one is in the tag title match, and the other is long fired.

Anyway, we're live on May 16, 2004 from the "sold-out" Staples Center in Los Angeles, which if you didn't know, they'll tell you about nine times through the course of the next four hours that Los Angeles is also known as "the City of Angels." All those people I talked about up there are around, and the main points of Heat are video packages, strange noises coming from Booker T's lockerroom, hype videos for Mordecai and Kenzo Suzuki, and then what I'm fixing to tell you about.

THEODORE LONG is out and he takes himself the microphone. "Let me holla at ya, playa! Los Angeles, California. It's where we find the great city of Hollywood. Now ya see, you people here in Hollywood, I know about each and every one of ya. I know that you live each and every day for perfection - now ya feel me? Now I know that each and every one of you people here in Hollywood, you strive day-to-day on perfection, now ya betta believe that. You see, I know that ya have a lotta plastic surgery. I know that ya put a lotta cellulite in ya body. I know that ya take illegal drugs. And anotha thing ya do, ya use too much botox - now ya betta belie'e dat." Tazz takes this opportunity to ponder the cellulite comment. "But tonight I will introduce you to a man that came outta da womb PERFECT - that's what I said, he came out perfect! A man who didn't do like you people, he didn't resort to the Hollywood diet - ughhhh (gagging motion). No, he never did that! So without further ado, I demand that each and every one of you rise right now! Because I present to you THE REFLECTION OF PERFECTION MARK JINDRAK. Everybody show ya love! Everybody stand up over here! We all need to rise, everybody rise now! Everybody stand up! Stand up over here, everybody, and show ya love! Why don't you shout! Why don't you shout it out! If ya don't know how to shout, why don't you repeat after me - shoooooouuuuuuut! Yeah! Amen, amen! Stop, stop, stop, no no no no no, not yet, I don't want just the mirror to see it right now. I want everybody in Hollywood to take a look at your own creation, take it off and show them what perfection is all about! Show it to 'em show it to 'em! Show it to 'em show it to 'em! Everybody rise! Look at it! Look at it! I love it like a fat woman loves spandex! I love it I love it! The man with the perfect DNA, the perfect DNA! Some'a y'all betta get checked here tonight! Look at it! Dolla dolla dolla bill, cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching! That's what it's all about! Everybody rise, show ya love show ya love!" He just keeps on.

Judgment Day is brought to you by PlayStation 2

MARK JINDRAK (unannounced, with Theodore Long) v. FUNAKI (unannounced): You know, of all the nights, why not give me five or six minutes of Shannon Moore and Paul London on Heat tonight? Or something. Jesus. Jindrak offers a shot at his chiseled abs, which Funaki takes and it doesn't go so well, so Funaki stomps his foot. Jindrak pushes Funaki into the corner and makes sure his face is okay. His own, not Funaki's. Stomps by Jindrak, vertical suplex, cover, 2. Jindrak hits the chinlock. Jindrak has gum or TP on the bottom of his right boot. Funaki elbows out but Jindrak dropkicks him in the face, then goes into push-ups, sit-ups, a kip-up, and then the pose. "You suck" chants, Jindrak misses a crossbody in the corner and Funaki turns the tide with an enzuigiri. We discuss tonight's matches instead of this match, and who can blame them. Funaki with a bulldog, cover, 2 and Jindrak presses him off. You know, Jindrak is in phenomenal shape and I get the gimmick, but he's not that handsome. Jindrak with a springboard clothesline. Mark of Excellence! 1, 2, 3. (03'48")

Video package for the main event, and then JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD arrives at the arena.

TV-14-LDV - Smackdown/Afterburn/WWE Experience/Bottom Line/Smackdown/Velocity/Heat/Raw/WWE Experience/Smackdown - Attitude - Entertainment - WWE

"How will we be judged when it's over? On the way we lived our lives? With passion. With malice. Did we protect the innocent or exploit the vulnerable? Will the next world reflect our behavior here - rewarding the moral, and condemning the wicked. Is there actually life after death, or are the memories we create here the only true afterlife? Surrendering our fate to those we leave behind. And if there is a place we go after this, who will be waiting on the other side? A callous judge. A ruthless jury. A merciless executioner. How will we justify our conduct, defend our actions, pay for our misdeeds? Or will we be welcomed unconditionally for the hell we've already endured. The questions are endless, and nothing is certain. But for now, there is one guarantee - Judgment Day is upon us."

And now, Smackdown and PlayStation 2 present WWE Judgment Day

BOOM BOOM BOOM! The set has several, crucifixes symbols around the entranceway. Cole announces that they're sold out at 18,722.

REY MYSTERIO (175, San Diego, CA) & ROB VAN DAM (230, Battle Creek, MI) v. THE DUDLEY BOYZ (combined 543, New York City, NY): Your referee is Nick Patrick. Look, it's CARLOS and HUGO. Hi, guys! Bubba tells Tazz he doesn't like him before the match. We are underway and Van Dam will start with Bubba Ray. RVD throws some kicks and Bubba backs off. Bubba turns the ref's attention to Rey, and D-Von comes in to jump RVD from behind, and that's the real starting duo. D-Von sends RVD into the corner, then tags out to Bubba. Choke across the middle rope, 1, 2, 3, break. Bubba gets in Patrick's face. Boy, I'm not buying this rebirth of the tough guy Dudleys at all. If they were really back they'd be breaking peoples' necks and not just frowning and yelling at the referee. Anyway, RVD starts his comeback and nails a superkick on Bubba, then clotheslines D-Von to the floor. I'll just let Tazz take this one - "A jumpin' flyin' hilo ova the top rope!" Rey hits a crossbody plancha on D-Von and the faces roll back in to celebrate their ability to jump. Cole talks about Rey's many outfits and Tazz isn't interested. Rob. Van. Dam. D-Von in with RVD again, and D-Von hits a knee and some punches and yells things like, "COME ON!" and "HUH?!" The Dudleys suck dick. Bubba nails RVD from behind and holds him for D-Von to charge, which, of course does not work out. RVD with punches, D-Von reverses a whip and hits the mat, RVD jumps over and Bubba pulls the rope down to send Van Dam to the floor. Mysterio foolishly distracs the referee. Back in, D-Von with a jawbreaker on Van Dam, tag to Bubba. You know, I am really dying with this hyping the return of these vicious, wild, unpredictable, violent Dudley Boyz, because it's not happening visually. So I've got some dudes that yell and do shitty kneelifts and stuff, and then Michael Cole is shitting about how mean they are. Tag to Mysterio finally, and he hits the springboard crotch attack on Bubba. Springboard crossbody, cover, 2. Bubba is bigger than him, but Rey is just so fast. Tilt-a-whirl headscissors, 619 - D-Von cuts it off. Mysterio tries the West Coast Pop anyway, Bubba catches him and hotshots him from the power bomb position. Why not just power bomb him? Wrestlers don't make sense sometimes. D-Von gets the tag. Bodyslam, D-Von drops the leg, cover, 2. D-Von goes to the "rear naked choke," which is a fucking chinlock, Tazz. Give it up, Tazz. Mysterio fights out, off the ropes, D-Von hits the spinning back elbow. Cover, 2, shoulder up. Bubba gets the tag and slaps and yells. My GOD these men are VICIOUS! Bubba with a vertical suplex, more slapping and yelling. Bubba taunts RVD, D-Von comes in with no tag as Patrick is again distracted. D-Von with a boot choke and this match is just going nowhere. I mean, I appreciate what they're trying to do here, but the Dudleys suck. D-Von with hammer fists, a clothesline, and Mysterio springs off the middle rope into a wacky bulldog. Both men are down. Tag to RVD, but Patrick didn't see it. Bubba and D-Von lay the stomps in on Rey, and Bubba stays in. Bubba yells some more and punches Rey in the ass. Bubba with a spinebuster that he grabbed to turn right and actually turned left, cover, 2. A couple bars of RVD's music play. Good job, guys. Rey is tied to the tree of woe, and hits a diamond cutter thing on Bubba while hanging upside down, but it looks so stupid. I think Cole knows how stupid that was as he starts trying to explain that Rey must have tremendous ab strength to pull that off. Mysterio with a moonsault bodyblock, cover, 2. RVD gets the crowd alive, sort of, and they're both crawling. Tags to RVD and D-Von. RVD-Von. Van Dam is a house afire, but Bubba is too tired to get in to help make it look better. Van Dam with a back elbow and a springboard side kick. Bubba's in and he eats a spin kick. Van Dam with a clothesline on D-Von. Rolling thunder on D-Von - 1, 2, Bubba breaks the pin. Mysterio is back in, and he's back out on a backdrop. Bubba with a scoop aaand a slam on RVD, D-Von goes up top for the headbutt and Rey breaks it up as revenge for having his 619 ruined earlier. Mysterio ups the stupid move ante by hitting the bronco buster on Bubba, then taking a catapult from Van Dam to hit a flying huracanrana on D-Von. RVD covers - 1, 2, Bubba breaks again. Dudleys set for the 3D on Mysterio, but RVD is back in and before you know it, both Dudleys are in position for the 619. RVD is up top - five star frog splash on D-Von! Cover - 1, 2, 3. (15'19") Cole says "Van Dam and Mysterio win!" which sounds like "Van Dam and the cereal win!" to me, which would make sense since RVD is from Battle Creek, which is cereal city. This match was alright and the best choice for an opener they had. The Dudleys are just so bad. I'm no big fan of RVD, but the Rey/RVD tag team has potential. Of course, that means there might be a rematch of this on Smackdown and they'll lose and that'll be that for their tag team.

Earlier on Sunday Night Heat, Josh Mathews heard strange noises outside of Booker T's lockerroom. Josh is back there and he's going to get an interview with BOOKER T. He wants answers! Booker has candles and crap all over. "What's ya deal, man? All night long, out here makin' all this racket! While I go through my pre-match ritual! Gettin' ready for the biggest match in my wrestling career against the Undertaker! You wanna be a reporter, you wanna ax ya stupid little questions - well go ahead, ax ya questions! I'll tell you what you wanna know, man. You wanna know why Booker T - the biggest star on Smackdown - is here tonight. I said it once and I'll say it a thousand times, man. I'm bigger than the RVDs, I'm bigger than the Rey Mysterios, and I'm bigger than the Undertaker. Yeah. And I'm bigger than all his power, man, 'cause tonight, I got my own power - RIGHT HERE! This little pouch right here, it HOLDS - the POWER! And after tonight, after I beat the Undertaker, you and everybody out there is gonna know, that Booker T is the one - true - star - on - Smackdown! Now get yo' ass outta here, man."

Here is a shot of the beautiful Staples Center in beautiful Los Angeles

Kurt Angle's music starts and LUTHER RAINS pushes a gigantic box of a thing to ringside. There's some rustling about, and we are told to welcome Mr. Angle, but he's not around. Shots of the crowd. Something isn't going right. Let's go to Michael Cole and Tazz, and now KURT ANGLE emerges from the box to sit high. "You suck" goes on well after the music stops. "Well, well, well - Los Angeles. The city of angels. I dunno about you, Luther, but when I come here, I don't see any angels. What I DO see, are self important phonies on their cell phones. I see a bunch of lazy, incompetent dreamers, just lookin' for their big break that'll never come! I see an overrated basketball team (BOOOOOOO) - whose star player won't be in the Olympics this summer because he'll be on TRIAL! And worst of all - and worst of all, you idiot - I see fans and supporters of Eddie Guerrero. (YAAAAY - Angle ponders the "Eddie" chants) You know it's funny - because if Eddie Guerrero didn't cheat to beat me at WrestleMania, *I* would be defending the WWE title, instead of sitting in this damn wheelchair, never able to wrestle again! So I'll say this - when John Bradshaw Layfield beats Eddie Guerrero for the WWE title, I expect you fans, you people here in L.A. to do what you do best - RIOT! Which is why when this show's over, I'm gettin' the heck outta this town, 'cause when I'm gone, I hope you people get the biggest earthquake in history! Now I'm not out here to talk about Eddie Guerrero, I'm out here to address the person who is fully responsible for me bein' in this wheelchair - Torrie Wilson. Torrie, as General Manager, I'm orderin' you to come out here RIGHT NOW!" And here's TORRIE WILSON. I like her wrestling outfit, it's really cute. "Cut the music! Torrie - I tried to clean up your mess, and I ended up payin' the price! So since you're responsible for the end of my career, I think it's only right for YOU to be responsible for the end of your OWN career. So here's how it's gonna work - if you lose in your match tonight, against Dawn Marie, you will be FIRED!" We're going to go to that right now.

TORRIE WILSON (unannounced) v. DAWN MARIE (unannounced): I loves the skankiness of the Dawn Marie. Your referee is Charles Robinson. Struggle in the ropes and a clean break, so Torrie shoves Dawn. Hey, Torrie, Dawn was being a fine sportsman! Sportswoman. Snapmare by Torrie and the HENNIG NECK SNAP. Torrie also throws the best woman kicks in the company except for Trish. Dawn with a freiman's carry, Torrie slides down and gets a crappy sunset flip, 2. Awkward punch spot and a clothesline from Torrie. Whip to the corner is reversed, Torrie kicks up and scissors the head, and Dawn tosses her to the apron. Torrie bounces Dawn's head off the buckle, up top, crossbody misses. Torrie is selling her ... face? Dawn is in control. Dawn with chokes and stuff, Torrie is draped over the apron. Dawn drops a forearm or elbow of sorts. Dawn brings Torrie to the floor and gets some more cheapshots. Dawn breaks the count and then hits a baseball slide to extend this classic further. Dawn with a legdrop on the floor. Back in, cover, 2. Cover, 2. Dawn gets the chinlock, Torrie gets out and hits a shitty swinging neckbreaker for two. Torrie with some kicks and she's trying to figure out how to do something - oh, it's a sunset flip. And it gets two. Schoolgirl (hahahaha, good one Tazz), 2. Dawn's ass becomes exposed which gets a rise out of the crowd and their pants. X-Factor! 1, 2, Torrie kicks out. Torrie with a backslide, 2, 3. (06'16") Well, we got some ass out of it all, so whatever.

Backstage, John Bradshaw Layfield is in a room with lots of booze. "My friends, this is it. I have been campaignin' all up and down this great country of ours. And I tell you what I found, honestly, is quite disturbing - I found a country full of Eddie Guerreros. People who cut corners, bottom feeders, who look to people like me for a handout just to survive. And nowhere is this more prevelant than right here in Los Angeles, the city of angels. Now I'm not talkin' about all of ya. 'Cause there's some of ya out there - those that wash my car, those that shine my alligator boots, those that sell fruit along the highway. At least you're trying to make an honest living. What I'm talkin' about is the rest of ya - you live by one simple creed. That is lie, cheat and steal. That is Eddie Guerrero's America. That is not MY America. I am winnin' this title tonight for John Bradshaw Layfield's America. An America that is indeed a merocracy, where ya get ahead by working hard, and play within the rules. In John Bradshaw Layfield's America, everybody speaks english. And people that are on welfare don't have eight or nine little greasy kids that overburden the system. They live all under one roof in some kind of dysfunctional extended family. In John Bradshaw Layfield's America, criminals like Eddie Guerrero are prosecuted. You can only dream of that America as long as Eddie Guerrero is champion. Tonight, that is going to change. Tonight, it is Judgment Day for Eddie Guerrero. And I guarantee you this - I will be victorious."

SCOTTY 2 HOTTY (217, Westbrook, ME) v. MORDECAI (270, homeless): This is ridiculous. Mordecai puts his staff into the ground and the PYRO EXPLODES! He's in all white with ridiculous hair and that ridiculous beard, and he even has a holder for his stupid staff at ringside. This guy has watched a lot of Undertaker in his time. Mordecai counters a side headlock with a big faceslam, then posts Scotty's shoulder. Mordecai tries to break Scotty's arm. The off-white mesh sleeveless top is not working with those white white pants. Actually, waist down, he kinda looks like 96/97 WCW Jeff Jarrett. Mordecai hits a big boot on the apron and Cole calls it a "straight knee." Scotty fires off with rights but Mordecai comes back with a knee. Superkick by Scotty 2 Hotty, bulldog! Mordecai drops Scotty on the middle rope when he sets for the worm, stomps, weak short-arm clothesline. Mordecai's lip is busted, and Scotty is up - Razor's Edge! 1, 2, 3. (03'02") Did this need to be on PPV? Couldn't they have put this on Wrestling Challenge?

John Cena: Wordlife on the Fanatic Series

Backstage, LOS DOS CHAVOS discuss strategy or something. Classic's pants are down and he freaks out when JACQUELINE enters the room. Jacqueline's promos are not any better now than they ever were before. She has a gift for him - lingerie. Jr. throws it on the ground and Classic picks it up and investigates. Classic is awesome.

WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - RICO & CHARLIE HAAS (champions, combined 469, with Miss Jackie) v. HARDCORE HOLLY & BILLY GUNN (challengers, combined 503): Charlie considers the runway on the entrance but decides against it. Chimel screws up the announcement of Holly and Gunn but it probably wasn't his fault. Your referee is Brian Hebner. Gunn and Holly argue over who will start against Rico as neither of them want to. Rico grabs both of their asses and they run away. Just who is Billy Gunn trying to fool? Haas decides he'll start against Holly instead of Rico starting at all. Collar-and-elbow, Holly backs him into the corner and smacks his chest. Collar-and-elbow, Haas with a fireman's carry, cover, 2. Jackie always has that dead vacant stare and apparently breathes with her mouth open. Holly is frustrated by Haas, who gets an armdrag and "modified keylock," says Tazz. Rico tags Charlie's pecs and gets a wristlock. Rico with a go-behind and dry hump, tag to Billy Gunn who isn't too interested either. Rico and Gunn do their things, Billy doing stuff and Rico is gay. Gunn tries to tag out after a firm ass gripping by Rico, but Holly jumps off the apron. This is pretty much a straight comedy match. Rico manages to get Billy Gunn in position to fellate him, and mocks the act. Haas is somewhat amused by Rico and tags in. Gunn with a forearm on Haas, then he slides out and hits Rico with one as Rico talks to Jackie. One wonders why Rico isn't paying attention to the match in the first place. Haas in the opposing corner and Holly is in. Chop! Chop! Snap suplex, cover, 2. Holly hits the chinlock and Jackie vacantly slaps the mat repeatedly. Holly with the dropkick and he's playing heel for sure as he tells the appreciative crowd to F off. Gunn tags in and beats on Haas some more. This match is dead without Rico in grabbing asses and keeping people entertained. This is because the other three guys pretty much look the same and I'm not sure the cheap seat people can even tell who's who. Holly with a nutkick and a cover, 2. Holly with a scoop aaand a slam, and he's heading up top - Holly tries the flying nothing and Haas gets the boot up. Jackie slaps the mat some more. Rico tries to help out. Both men down and the tag is made to Gunn. Tag to Rico! Rico and Gunn trade punches, Gunn gets confused and gets hit with an inverted atomic drop. Clotheslines and a shoulderblock, whip is reversed, blind tag from Haas. Fameasser on Rico! Haas is in and hits a German on Gunn. Holly tags in and tries the Alabama slam, but Rico superkicks Holly and Haas gets a sunset flip - 1, 2, 3. (10'27") This was not terrible.

WrestleMania XX DVD

Backstage, PAUL BEARER and THE UNDERTAKER are hanging out. "Booker T. You think you're the biggest in the Smackdown galaxy. You actually believe that you have some extra...spiritual powers! Well. Your time may be running out. This is your Judgment Day, Booker T!" "REST. IN. PEACE."

UP NEXT - Jacqueline v. Chavo Guerrero. Here are clips from Smackdown 2 Weeks Ago when Jacqueline won the cruiserweight title. Last Thursday, Chavo Classic beat Jacqueline with help from Chavo, and then she pantsed him.

CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - CHAVO GUERRERO (challenger, 213, El Paso, TX, with Chavo Classic) v. JACQUELINE (champion, homeless): Your referee is Charles Robinson. I think they should force Jacqui to announce her weight since she's the champion of a weight-specific division. Chavo is wrestling with one arm behind his back if you forgot about that great idea and how it makes this match even better. Chavo with a boot to the gut and some work in the corner. Knees to the stomach (I don't want to say "gut" in reference to a lady). Chavo with a side backbreaker, and he repeats. And he threepeats. "Chavo Guerrero was one of the greatest cruiserweight champions we've ever had." What a sad statement. Chavo with a straight right in the corner. Whip to the other side, Jacqui kicks up, and she "does" a "legscissors" that "sends" Chavo into the post. That was pretty awful. Get him back in it, Classic. Jacqueline sees that Chavo's free arm is hurt now, and she's excited. Chavo misses a clothesline, Jacqueline tries a sleeper and I wish Tazz would stop saying people are trying to choke other people out because CHOKING IS ILLEGAL TAZZ!!! OKAY??? OKAY TAZZ??? IT'S ILLEGAL!! Jacqui with rights, and she hits a baseball slide to Classic's shins to knock him off the apron. Lariat from Chavo on Jacqui. Jacqueline with a donkey kick, sunset flip, 2. Chavo bails to the floor and Classic unties his boy's arm, then distracts Charles Robinson. Chavo with a lariat and he's faking the arm tied still. What a man. I like how absurd it is for him to be able to use both of his arms and beat up a woman that's supposed to be so tough. I mean, make up your mind. Does she belong in there or not? Classic distracts Robinson by bringing out the belt and a chair. Chavo hits the Gori bomb! Cover - 1, 2, 3, thank God, Chavo has regained the title for a fourth time. (04'49") Chavo takes the mic. "YOU made me do this, Jacqueline! And so did every single one of you who LAUGHED at me! Well Jacqueline, you're not laughin' anymore are you? And now NONE of you can EVER laugh at Chavo Guerrero again! Because I am once again the WWE cruuuuiserweight champion." Ooh, Chavo! Haha, Classic kicks Jacqui in the stomach. Hey, she asked for it.

WrestleMania 21 at the Staples Center

Smackdown presents WWE Judgment Day sponsored by PlayStation 2 from the sold-out Staples Center in Los Angeles, CA

UP NEXT - John Cena v. Rene Dupree. Here is a video package.

JOHN CENA is out in a James Worthy jersey. Magic or Kareem really would've been tacky. Michael Cooper would've been the money. "Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo! Yah nah nah nah nah nah - this is L.A., baby! I wanna hear y'all make some noise up in this biatch! (Cena chants) Rene Dupree beating me? / There's just no chance / I'ma take that bitch and beat his ass all the way back to France! / He hates the USA / He should hate himself instead / Looks like Fifi took a peepee on the top of his head / I'm 'on beat him so bad his whole life is a blur / Leave him walkin' with his head down like the San Antonio Spurs (big pop) / He ain't touchin' me in L.A., dude / He's just not worthy / I'm the type of cat to go in the crowd to give away my jersey!" What a fag. Thank god Rene Dupree interrupts.

UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP - JOHN CENA (champion, 248, West Newbury, MA) v. RENE DUPREE (challenger, 263, Paris, France): Your referee is Jimmy Korderis. Collar-and-elbow, Dupree is stronger. Dupree goes for a right, Cena fires back, and Dupree bails. Cena gives chase. Dupree off the ropes, Cena has apparently become the new owner of the Thesz press. Cena whips Dupree into the turnbuckle, then approaches slowly while talking shit, before running square into a TNA phantom boot - you can hear it, but you would swear it didn't connect. It's the damnedest thing every time. Cena whips Dupree into the corner again, Dupree comes out and catches a back bodydrop. Cena tries to clothesline Dupree over the top, but Dupree isn't in agreement so he doesn't go. Yeah, this sucks. Dupree posts Cena on the floor. Back in and Dupree is taking over. We catch Dupree calling "block it," which Cena does, and Dupree is on the apron. Cena charges, Dupree ducks and Cena takes a hell of a bump to the floor. Dupree brings Cena back in and starts donkey punching him. Backbreaker by Dupree, cover, 2. Dupree with a bearhug. And we'll just hang with the bearhug. Cool by me, man, at least they're not missing kicks and being unable to fall over the top rope. Cena with a forearm to the ear, and a second, and Cena's selling is totally great and it's the only reason I don't absolutely hate this guy. Cena out of the bearhug and he's throwing rights. Dupree: "Duck it." So Cena does. Someone teach this guy to either quiet down or stop mic'ing the ring so heavy, seriously. Sidewalk slam by Cena - U CANT C ME! Five knuckle shuffle misses. Spinebuster by Dupree. IT IS DE DANCE! LOOK AT DE DANCE! HOP! HOP! HOP! HOP! HOP! Kneedrop misses. These guys are both totally not the Rock. Dupree eats a boot in the corner, Cena comes off the top, kick to the gut, DDT by Dupree. Dupree tells Cena to just bring it, then strikes a pose to hit the Rock Bottom. Is this motherfucker kidding me? Scoop is countered, off the ropes is countered, FU is countered, Dupree hits a reverse neckbreaker. Dupree's lip is busted or he bit his tongue or something. Dupree tries for a power bomb, backdrop is the counter. Dupree tries a sunset flip, Cena cradles the legs, 2. Backslide by Cena, 2. Into the corner, Dupree kicks up, and Cena catches him - FU! 1, 2, 3, Cena retains. (09'55") Nice finish and a good last couple minutes, but the match was sloppy and Dupree talks too loud. Post-match, Cena wastes plenty of time to run into the crowd and give away his jersey. The one thing I did like about this was wiener frenchman Dupree not wanting to mix it up with the streetwise Cena in the game of fisticuffs.

>From the Land of the Rising Sun comes a man of pride, a warrior with honor - Kenzo Suzuki! "(Japanese)!"

John Cena is still wasting time

UP NEXT - Undertaker v. Booker T

BOOKER T (256, Houston, TX, with dangling black sack) v. THE UNDERTAKER (305, Death Valley, with Paul Bearer): "This is an absolutely MIND-NUMBING experience!" Shut up Cole. Your referee is Nick Patrick. Booker shakes his dangling black sack at Undertaker. "Ya don't spit in the wind or you don't kick Superman's cape - you know all those things." Tazz you're silly. The Dead is going bald. The Dead strikes its fighting pose. The Dead is really hilarious, to be honest. Booker shoves Taker, who throws Booker into the corner and nails him with a right. Booker bails and wipes his dangling black sack all over his own chest. Back in, Booker gets a kneelift and some clubbing forearms across the large of the back. Forearm no-sold, Undertaker with a clothesline ("right hand" if you're Cole) and he takes over on offense. Undertaker with a wristlock and he's wrenching on it. Shoulderblock, wrench again, Booker reverses and hits a standing sidekick. Undertaker doesn't fall down or anything because he's dead. Booker gets caught with a sidewalk slam. Taker drops the leg - 1, 2, kickout. Taker clotheslines Booker to the floor and this is a squash so far. Booker drops Undertaker over the top rope and heads up top - flying dropkick hits. Cover, 2, shoulder up. Booker with a right, right, right, forearm, forearm. Pause. Right, right, forearm, Booker goes over and wipes his dangling black sack on his chest again. Undertaker firing off SOUPBONES, Booker slows him with a knee to the gut. Off the ropes, Harlem sidekick misses, Undertaker hits the jumping clothesline. Old School connects and Undertaker follows with a flatliner and a submission. Booker gets the ropes. Undertaker throws the hand up - Last Ride! Booker gets out and bumps Patrick. Booker opens up his dangling black sack and throws the contents in Undertaker's face. Undertaker bends over for a minute and I scream at Booker to hit the fucking axe kick, but instead he thinks a double sledgehammer shot is the best route, but Undertaker stops selling in time to avoid that anyway. Undertaker starts the comeback and Booker cuts it off. The Dead's pant leg will rise again. Thankfully the Dead had the sense to not wear white socks. Booker continues to control on the floor, bashing Taker's knee into the steps. Taker eats an elbow and kick to the stomach, and now we're back in the ring. Paul Bearer quietly observes. Harlem sidekick hits this time. Booker gets a front facelock and Undertaker holds onto the leg. Booker with a couple forearm shots to break Taker's grip and now he has full control of the front facelock. Undertaker punches out, AXE KICK HITS! Cover - 1, 2, kickout. Undertaker sits up and Booker is scared. Kick to the gut, off the ropes, Booker runs into a big boot. Chokeslam! Oops, he almost dropped him! Tombstone! Oops, he almost dropped him again! 1, 2, 3. (11'27") Their match at No Mercy '01 was better than this. There wasn't anything necessarily wrong with this match other than I think Booker could've done a lot with a cheap ass win that wouldn't have effected Undertaker at all.

Raw presents Bad Blood on June 13

UP NEXT - Eddie Guerrero v. John Bradshaw Layfield

JBL is out and he takes the mic pre-match. "I will be doing this in english, so for those of you who need a translator, look to an American near you and ask him to translate to english, please. I wanna congratulate you people in Los Angeles because you are part of history. The new era of John Bradshaw Layfield's America! I know that a lot of you swam an awful long way and climbed a bunch of fences to get here. But I'd like to tell you this - save a spot on the raft for Eddie Guerrero to take him BACK to that third world you call Mexico! But I tell you what, the benevolent guy that I am, I did just lose my housekeeper, you see she stole from me - a Mexican lady - and so I need another. So here's what I'm gonna do. You take Eddie Guerrero back because he will no longer be champion, and *I*, out of generosity of my heart, will use Eddie Guerrero's mother as my maid! That way she can live out the last remaining days of her life in my glorious home, New York City. Congratulations on being part of a new era. Because today, I guarantee you, I absolutely guarantee you, that I will be victorious in this very ring."

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD (challenger, 297, New York City - NEW YORK CITY? GET A ROPE) v. EDDIE GUERRERO (champion, 228, El Paso, TX): I thought it would've been cooler if Eddie didn't come out with the car and dance and shit, and no slapping hands and shit. "And look at Bradshaw! That IDIOT just asked Eddie how his mother is!" Cole really hates Bradshaw. Eddie perches himself on the top rope and has some patchy facial hair because he's been too focused on the reckoning to shave in the days leading up to the event. Eddie has DA STARE. Bradshaw barks at Eddie from the ring as Eddie stays on the top rope and stares. Your referee is Brian Hebner. Oh man, a sinister sneer and Eddie is off and firing with rights. Bradshaw goes down and bails, Eddie follows and he is a maniac. Bradshaw sent into the steps and Eddie is just all over him. Back in, no, back out, and Bradshaw is sent into the post and over the Spanish announce table. Guerrero breaks the count and goes right back after him. Eddie is just murdering Bradshaw and this is fun so far. Fighting up the aisle, and now we're back in and Eddie is talking mad shit. Hard right, Bradshaw goes down. Yes yes twisting the boot on the face. And again. Back out, and Bradshaw finally gets some offense by reversing a whip to the steps. Bradshaw takes over the brawling and Eddie is sent over the Spanish table now. Bradshaw clears the table off and hits a right, then rolls back in to break the pin. Both men back in, Guerrero is coming back again. Whip is reversed and Eddie is down after a big boot. The crowd hates Bradshaw. Bradshaw drops an elbow, cover, 2. Forearm, chop, forearm, corner whip and Eddie hits hard. Bradshaw with a headlock takedown and he holds onto it to try and slow the pace. Standing with the headlock now, Guerrero forearms out but is nailed with a shoulderblock. Bradshaw goes back to the headlock. "Eddie" chants are up and he forearms out again. Another shoulderblock, off again, armdrag from Guerrero, a second armdrag, and Bradshaw bails. Slingshot plancha is caught, and Bradshaw hits the fallaway slam on the floor. Bradshaw breaks the count, Eddie hits a chop. Another chop, another chop. Right to the ear, charge, and Eddie is backdropped onto the Spanish table he bounces. Bradshaw back in, Eddie follows, and Bradshaw is unaware that Eddie got back. "Eddie" chant, Bradshaw hits a swinging neckbreaker. Cover, 2, shoulder up. Trade of rights with Eddie throwing haymakers and Bradshaw responding in kind. Guerrero wins the fistfight, Bradshaw hits a knee. Eddie tries to flip out of a backdrop attempt but lands on his face. Cover, 2. Bradshaw goes to a bearhug. Guerrero gets out and hits the first vertical. Bradshaw is gassed and the second one hits. Up for the third, Bradshaw lifts a knee to the gut. Into the turnbuckle, stumble out, clothesline from hell misses. Power bomb attempt is a no-go, and Eddie has more rights. Eddie fires it up and turns to hit the ropes, and WHAM down goes Brian Hebner. Hebner was just kind of floating around them waiting to get killed. Bradshaw dumped out to the floor and Guerrero tries to take Hebner up. Hebner isn't waking up, so Eddie goes after Bradshaw. Guerrero bounces Bradshaw's head off the apron thrice and throws him into the announcers. Turn and WHACK, Eddie eats a steel chair and OH MY GOD is he bleeding grotesquely. Holy fucking shit. Cole and Tazz's headsets are off so this is just weird with Eddie sitting there literally gushing blood from his head with nothing but the crowd's shock being the audio. Bradshaw lays in with a right and there is a horrific puddle of blood left where he was sitting. Guerrero is already just covered in blood as Bradshaw throws rights at the open wound. Bradshaw hits him with the steps and good golly miss molly Eddie is bleeding like two stuck pigs. Back in and the crowd is all over Bradshaw. Bradshaw sets for it and Eddie can't even stand. Bradshaw picks him up and sets again - CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL! There is now blood covering Bradshaw's right arm. Puddles of gore everywhere. GORE. PUDDLES OF GORE. Bradshaw tries to wake Hebner up by hitting him but it doesn't work. Charles Robinson runs in - 1, 2, EDDIE KICKS OUT! Holy SHIT that is SO MUCH BLOOD! It's just pouring out of his head. Another clothesline from hell is ducked, and down goes Charles Robinson. Big boot staggers Eddie - power bomb! Hebner is awake. 1, 2, SHOULDER UP! This motherfucker is Rocky. Cover again, 2, kickout. Bradshaw is upset and Eddie Guerrero is a mythical warrior from a faraway time. Bradshaw gets the sleeper and Eddie counters with a back suplex. I'm simply amazed he hasn't passed out. It's still pouring from his head. Bradshaw throws forearms but EDDIE IS ALIVE! This son of a bitch is covered in blood, COVERED IN IT, and he's storming back. Whip reversed, clothesline ducked, caught for a fallaway slam, countered with a DDT! Eddie is heading to the top and Cole is concerned. Tazz is concerned. I am concerned. We are all concerned. Frog splash misses! Bradshaw goes and grabs the belt and a chair, hiding the belt and using the chair as a play. Eddie with a low blow and he grabs the belt. WHAM! Hebner calls for the DQ. Hey, whatever, man. (23'11") I mean, boo and all, but still.

Post-match, Guerrero mounts and pummels Bradshaw and Hebner tries to get him off but can't do it. Several referees run in and that works momentarily until they all flee when he grabs the title belt again. BAM, down goes Bradshaw. How is Eddie even STANDING? Bradshaw has bladed now. Guerrero just beats the hell out of Bradshaw in the ring, then smacks him with a chair at ringside. Eddie's dying here, still bleeding all over. Chairshot #2! Referees try to help Bradshaw out but HERE COMES EDDIE GUERRERO! This is nutty. DEAN MALENKO, ARN ANDERSON and FIT FINLAY are out to pull Eddie away, so he goes back into the ring to celebrate.

Okay, that match. I'm not going to say Bradshaw was suddenly good, because he's not. But he held up his end of this and the match was all Eddie Guerrero doing a great carry job. But Bradshaw went and sold like crazy and got his ass kicked a ton by a guy he's a foot taller than, and Eddie played the vengeful lunatic to the hilt in this match. The blood may not have made it better in a technical sense, but the drama was heightened greatly because let's face it, that was a fucking lot of blood. This was no masterpiece, but no one thought they were going to get a real balls-out brawl with a ton of intensity, which is what it was. It was not a MOTYC and it wasn't something I'd say you just gotta see outside of Eddie's hideous blood loss, but it was a fine knock-down drag-out affair, in my opinion. Easily the best match on this show.

Here I am, fighting the good fight for a Bradshaw match. It's a wild world, y'all.

See you for Raw.

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