"Jerry Jarrett and a Russian walk into WWE Headquarters" sounds like the opening to a funny joke I don't know.

the power is back. open. 

your announcers are Romero and Josh. Josh promises this is the greatest Velocity ever. Is that Paul London's music?

Kid Kash (195 pounds) vs Paul London (already in the ring) - What did Paul say this week? Your ref is Charles Robinson. Romero talks about the "Welterweight Divison" before immediately correcting himself. Lockup, Cash with knees and forearms to the back. Forearms to the head. Whip, hiptoss blocked, London's hiptoss blocked, he flips out of it, ducks the clothesline, off the ropes, Kash tries a backdrop, London lands on his feet, and there's the hiptoss for Kash. Armdrag. Dropsault one two NO. Headlock. Hard sell for WWE.com, because obviously people who are watching this match are unfamiliar with the site. The volume levels between the added .com commentary and the normal audio tract aren't even - Romero's voice jumps up a notch as we go to the normal feed. London with a headlock, Kash tries a back suplex, London lands on his feet and gets the headlock back on. Kash, elbowing, tries to shove London off, but he holds on and regrabs the headlock. Kash quickly turns into a backbreaker to finally get control. Kash talking trash. Kneeling surfboard. Announcers taking London losing a lot, Cruiserweight division getting tougher. London turning it, right hands, off the ropes, nailed by a Kash back elbow. One two no. Side bow and arrow? Sure. London uses knees to the head to get free. London with forearms to the back. Whip is quick reversed into a back suplex into a face first powerbomb. TAPATIA! Kash pulls London's head down, which allows London to punch his way out of the hold. Kash argues London gave up, and throws a fit when he's not awarded the victory right then and there. London fighting to his feet with punches.  Kash off the ropes, into a spin kick. Kash walks into a flapjack onto the top rope. London win with a running forearm, and a kick to the kidney. Whip, reversed, London under the leapfrog, and there's a better Dropsault. One two no. Suplex, no, Kash slips behind and pulls London down by his shoulders. One two no. Turnbuckle smash. Chop for London. Kash sets London on the top of the rope, trying to pull him off but London fights back. London drops down to the apron, connects on a kick to the side of Kash's head, and rolls him up with a slingshot Okie roll, one two NO! Corner whip, reversed, Kash charges into a back elbow. London to the middle rope, Mushroom Stomp, but only got only a little of it. London charges Kash in the corner, taking a kick to the midsection. Kash leaps to the top rope, but London crotches him with a kick. More punches and some positioning botre London goes up to join him. Top rope 'rana - NO! Kash pushes him off in mid air, and London flops on his face! That looked incredibly painful. Kash with a double jump moonsault to the back, flip him over, one two three. (6:17) Josh: "Kid Kash is money!"

Still to come: Stacy vs Jillian - wait, she can wrestle?

Lashley (Colorado Springs, CO, 273 pounds) vs Jason Partain (248 pounds, already in the ring) - Well, this should be short. Your ref is Nick. Partain wants a Test of Strength? Lashley just ends up backdropping him. Jason hides in the corner. Give credit to him for stalling this. Kick to the knee, headlock. Lashley has no problem picking him up, and throwing him off with a trip. Partain with a headlock, off the ropes, shoulderblock. Lashley sizing him up, and kicking him out. Lashley out after him. Partain is pressed back in. Lashley back in. Partain tries a kick, it's caught and he's run down. Overhead belly to belly suplex. Calling for it. Dominator. One two three. (2:17) Lashley's too busy poising, and not all that much noticing Vito has snuck in the ring behind him. Vito loads up, waits, and nails Lashley with a punch as he turns. Lashley goes to one knee, but does not go down. A second punch helps. Nunzio is in to help stomp him down. They go to pick Lashley up - but Lashley shoves them away, Nunzio flying across the ring. Vito shoves into the corner and hiptossed out. Backdrop for Nunzio, clothesline for Lashley, Vito thrown out, Nunzio thrown under the bottom rope out of the ring. Well, that didn't go well. Vito's yelling at Lashley a lot for the the strong silent type.

Sylvan (Montreal, QC, Canada, 250 pounds) vs SmackDown #1 Announcer Funaki (Japan, 185 pounds) - Pose. Wink! Josh: "Nothing like doing a catwalk before you're in a fight. That's intimidating." Oh no, he's talking. You have the imagine the accent. "Thank you! [pause] As you all know [pause] As you all know, I'm the first supermodel superstar in WWE history. And as a supermodel, I charge of thousands and thousands of dollars for photo shoot. But I got something for you tonight. After I win my match, [YOU SUCK YOU SUCK] I got something for you! After I win my match tonight, I will give you 30 seconds to take my picture. [Thanks, Edge!] But, but, I have one request. You don't sell that picture, you just keep it in your 'private' collection." Just what is that man implying! I am aghast. WINK! He should have someone check that eye. Funaki runs, slides, and gets stomped to start this. Elbow drops and stomps, a dreadful mix. Kick. Romero starts talking randomly about Tough Enough, which scares me, and they reveal it's an awful segue to Mike Mizanin, who will be referred to as only that name and never as his stupid nickname, unless I can think of a stupider name. ("That Dumb Guy From Real World NY2" is too wordy.) Sylvan with a backbreaker, lift, backbreaker. Right. Right. Kick. Corner whip, corner whip, corner whip. Wow, I'm blown away. Back suplex - Sylvan nearly over rotates Funaki and kills him, but fortunately does not kill Funaki. Miraculously, the camera has found a crowd member in love with Sylvan who just happens to be dead center of the front row, camera side. And Sylvan's spotted her too! What an amazing and incredibly unlikely turn of events! I believe this means there is a god, and he hates me. They exchange blown kisses, not the last thing he's gonna blow tonight. Funaki goes back to lamely beating down Funaki. Backbreaker. He's a man of about four, five moves. Whip, bearhug! I don't know about Funaki, but he's choking the life out of me. Funaki fading, fading, fading. I could get by without a Funaki comeback, so if he wants to go here, that'd be fine. Crowd trying a complex chant that's not quite loud enough to make out. Funaki rammed into the corner, and back to the bearhug. Josh: "Funaki may pass out." ME TOO. Josh: "This is power." He's got the power to suck, I'll give him that. Funaki battling out with elbows. Crowd is totally bored and entertaining themselves. Back suplex, Funaki lands on for a zero count because someone screwed up, but whatever. Funaki gets in the foot grab enziguri. Funaki winnings the punch battle, but Sylvan stops him with a kick. Corner whip, Funaki moves out of the way on the charge, Funaki bulldog. Funaki trying to be pumped up with a hurt back. Crowd could give a fig. Jimmy is your ref here, by the way. Funaki cross body connects, gets zero because Funaki doesn't stay to cover. Whatever. Turnbuckle smash, up to the middle rope, and he calls for his finisher to be reversed. It is! There's the one armed spinebuster. Front suplex, which fits so well with a match worked on the back, one two three. (6:24) Time to pose. He's going to all four sides to help out. We don't stay with this, thank god. 

Up Next: Six Man Tag Match from SmackDown!

Josh and Romero hype up everyone in the main event six men. Footage of Brock getting beat, what a surprising thing to be shown. (1:37)

Earlier Today: Jillian was being fitted for a reverse mask to cover up her mole (and prevent anything from falling off.( The result is her ending up with a big ol' x over his face. The makeup ladies lie and say she looks great. (:37)

Jillian Hall (no hometown) vs Stacy Keibler (no hometown) - Chimel and the graphic people can't get on the same page about Jillian's last name. She has wrestling gear? Shocking. Well, that's less wrestling gear and swim wear you can't really swim in. They're reusing this music, right? Stacy's actually the more conservatively dressed. Lots of finger pointing to start. Hey, this ref looks suspiciously like RAW's Chris Kay. Perhaps it's his twin brother Oh? (Nice to know you, Brian.) Jillian with ashot to the ribs. Turnbuckle smash. Knees to the midsection. Stacy takes a cartwheel when Jillian tosses her by her hair. Stomp to the midsection. Josh: "I have a low profile -  I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything, I don't talk to anyone, I don't say hello to anybody, I just sit in my house and stare at the walls." Josh does allow that he plays Playstation. Whip, reversed, Stacy tries a hiptoss (or just randomly feeds her arm), Jillian tries a monkey flip, Stacy cartwheels out of it, and connects on a spin kick (timing a bit off there) one two no. Stacy gets in the boot choke. Corner kick. Boot choke. Whip, head down way way too soon, Jillian with a sunset flip (Stacy's feet hit the ropes and Chris realizes it, stopping the count at one), Stacy reveres one two, Jillian reverses one two Stacy reverses, shoulder's up, now it's down, one no. Both up, and Jillian lands a clothesline. One two No. Face smashed into the mat. And again. Weak kick to the ribs. Stacy rolled onto her back, cartwheel elbow, one two NO. Jillian is in a very screechy mood. Choke/hair pull around the ropes. Leg choke around the ropes. One two no. Foot in the back surfboard. Josh is hot for the face protector. Whatever he's into. Stacy flips Jillian over. Jillian charges, and Stacy throws her out - good she had the face protect. Stacy waits for Jillian to come in, and Jillian runs into a side kick. Stacy with corner punches, but they never work. Jillian trips her up at four, and covers her with feet on the rope. One two three. (3:42) Awful lot of ring savvy to use that trick for someone who's never ever wrestled before, you know?

That's it. Josh LIED.