Vital note: I am SO tired. I also disconnected myself from all of this for a long weekend, so don't expect snarky results about the PPV. I did see the huge "JR IS FIRED" banner on wwe.com and I think maybe the casket match winner, but I'm going in more dumb than usual. Dumber. Something. Whatever. Tired.

the power is back (who? High Voltage?)

open

M & N (Los Angeles, CA, 440 pounds, w/M) vs Jared Steele & Jakas Plisken (already in the ring, 421 pounds) - Even Josh's fake laugh can't wake me up. Bless whichever dotcom monkey listed the names of MNM's opponents on the website, because I had no chance of spelling Mr. Plisken's name right, given a million guesses. Josh likes Melina. Romero is gay. The power is back!!! Joey bum rushes Jared at the bell, and we're off. Kicks and punches and stomps and that's enough for a tag. Whip, back elbow. Jimmy is your ref. Josh is obsessed with Christy Hemme in chaps. I write this down because some day, this information will be vital to someone. That person will be a moron, but what can you do. What the heck did Nitro just do there? Handstand legdrop to a seated Steele? Maybe I should just call it Goofy Nitro Move #1. Tag to Joey, so he can get in some punches. Unfortunately, most of the punches seem to be going against him - a clothesline puts him back in control. Corner whip, clothesline. Josh talks Notre Dame! Josh is insane. Joey jawbreaker, takes a pictures, gives a dropkick. Kiss from Melina! Josh never wanted to do a dropkick more than he does now. Working for Steele. Steele fighting back almost enough to get that tag, but Joey clotheslines him. Up to the middle rope, fixing his hair, calling the elbow for a bit of time, oh wow it missed. Tag to Jakas. Right hands. Whip, head down too soon, and Joey kicks him before flipping him out with a clothesline. What a hot tag! Joey snap mare, tag, neck snap and Johnny slingshots in with an elbowdrop. (Romero: "Off the top rope.") Posing, and Nitro doesn't actually do anything more before calling for the finish and tagging Joey back in. Steel knocked off the apron for fun. Snapshot. One two three. (photos developed in 3:34)

Still to Come: an exciting SEVEN man battle royale for a cruiserweight title shot at No Mercy. Can you name all seven?

(6:58)

WWE Slam of the Week: Grenier beats Hardcore Holly! Nice suit, Mr. Kennedy.

Ken Mr. Kennedy (Green Bay, WI, 242 pounds) vs Russell Simpson Really Wants A Contract (already in the ring, unannounced) - Chimel do it right? Chimel do it wrong. "Hey, hey once, again, you make me absolutely sick! Get out of my ring, get out right now - FREEZE! What, what is that? What is that? What is this, huh? [found something in Chimel's pocket] What?" "I, uh, jelly donut." "It's a jelly donut! Huh! Are you allowed to eat Jelly Donuts? Huh? Open your mouth! Open! Open it up! Wider! Wider! [he stuffs it in] Now sit down, eat your jelly donut! Fatty!" Kennedy licks the jelly off his fingers. Is he done? Oh no, we give him a single spotlight so he can have the overhead microphone instead. "Ladies and gentlemen, this next match is scheduled for ONE FALL, with a Twenty Minute Time Limit, ladies and gentlemen, I weight in at an absolutely establishing two hundred and FIVE pounds, I hail from Green Bay, Wisconsin, MISTER KENNEDY! [corner pose] KENNEDY!" Russell gets no intro? That doesn't seem fair.

Your ref is Brian. Lockup, Simpson with an inside cradle, one no. Ken misses a clothesline, Russell with a waistlock, Kennedy gets to the ropes and bounces him off, Ken charges, Russell misses on a clothesline, Kennedy misses a high kick but hits an enziguri. One no. Kennedy stomping Simpson down in the corner. Kennedy apologizes for working illegal in the corner, backs ff, and kills Russell with a running kick. One two pull him up! Ken with a right. Ken backing up again, three point stance, charge, and Russell moves in time. He should stop mocking Kennedy and charge already. Simpson backdropped to the apron, he lands a headbutt from there, going up, but Kennedy stops him with punches. Kennedy up with him. Second rope Finlay Slam. (Romero: "That's the...move he's made famous!") One two three. (1:54) Chimel starts to the do the announcement, and stops to hand over the microphone. "And the winner of the match, once again, MISTER KENNEDY [strut!] KENNEDY!" Romero: "He's repetitive too, and that kinda bugs me." Josh directly goes into No Mercy hype.

(6:11)

Your announcers are Steve and Josh, with much louder audio for some reason.

SD! Main Event highlights. Hey, doesn't it make sense for Eddie still not to like JBL? Huh? Huh? No. (1:43)

Simon Dean (w/el Deano Machino) is out to spread the knowledge, I can only assume. He's putting caution to the wind and riding with only one good hand! Oh, good, a training table is set up. "People, for about a year now, I have been coming out here and trying to sell to you my patented Simon System. Well, I've realized, along the way, there's been some skeptics, and the response has not been...a little lukewarm. But it finally dawned on me, what I need to show you people is some actual proof that this stuff really works. So people, tonight, I'm going to show you once and for all, living proof that my Simon System can even work for you. So, without further ado, Living Proof, come on down." Simon becomes even more evil to me, because I've had the Price is Right theme song in my head all weekend and he ain't helping. We have - an attractive women wearing an oversized No Mercy shirt and who knows what else. Is it the same girl from the vignettes? Might be.

"Even though I already know it, tell these people what your name is, Miss."

"I'm Natalie"

"Well, Natalie, you and I have known each other for quite some time. So how about we show all these disgusting out of shape oinkers what my patented Simon System can really do. See people, oh yeah [Natalie's starting to take off the shirt, reveal shorts - Simon stops her from doing it yet as he continues talking], at one time, this women was a 350 pound out of shape disgusting slob. She was as big as Texas! So, Natalie, how about you take off this XXXL tent that you've been hiding under all of these years, and show these people what the patented Simon System can really do." [WWE stripper music as she reveals a thin body. Shocking, I know. She doesn't appear to have upper body work done, so I guess she's not going to be reoccurring] voila! My Masterpiece! Oh yes, people, this speciemen has used my entire line of products! She has used my Simon energy drink to shed over 200 ugly disgusting pounds of unwanted fat. And next (whoop), my Lean Dean fitness powder to help build her lean sexy body. But last and not least, she used my Lean Dean Cream to get rid of all that disgusting cellulite. Oh yea, she - Natalie, did you miss a spot? Here, let me get that. [Dean sprays some cream on her upper body - Lean Dean Cream, okay] There you go. Now, Natalie, I don't want to say you're doing that wrong, but you could be doing it right. Do you want Simon to help you with that?"

"Would you Simon, please?"

[Simon rubs the area. I think we've gotten the idea.] "The things I do, people. Oh, Natalie. People, the patented Simon System can change your life, just like it has Natalie. Natalie, tell these disgusting out of shape customers, who believes in you?"

"You do Simon, thank you."

"No Natalie [kiss], thank you. Hahahaha YEA! And this Sunday, Bobby Lashley, you won't be thanking me, you will be begging me for No Mercy. Because my name is Simon Dean, and Simon Says that I am going to beat you! YEA!"

[HUG!]

This is fifteen minutes of my life I'll never get back. Josh doesn't know who's going to win.

(7:55)

Tony Chimel explains the concept of a battle royal. Thanks Tony!

Scotty 2 Hotty (Westbrooke, ME, 208 pounds), Funaki (Japan, 185 pounds), Brian Kendrick (Seattle, WA, 181 pounds), Paul London (Austin, TX, 200 pounds), Mexicools (Psicosis & Juvi & Super Crazy) (combined 612 pounds) in a Seven Man Battle Royal for a Title Shot at the WWE Cruiserweight Championship - super quick intros for everyone. London gets a big cheer, which is at least partly due to the hometown. Will the Mexicools work together? New shirts? We're not going to get this started without Nunzio and Vito coming out to watch, so it's good they're quick about it. Everyone focuses on them. There's the bell, and we've got brawling. The good guys keep the Mexicools separated, with three different fights, with Paul and Brian working on Crazy, Funaki on Juvi, and Scotty on Psi. Brawling. London gets hung up upside down on the ropes a bit but stays in. Crazy almost over, but stays in. Scotty on the end, but holding in - and elsewhere, Kendrick gets Psi out with a clothesline. (1:13) Which is good, because they had a sequence right before where nothing looked quite right. Nunzio is happy with the elimination, for what it's worth. Juvi thrown over the top, but lands on the apron and stays in. Is Psicosis mad at Crazy? He's just mad in general? Dunno. Scotty almost out, but stays in. Kendrick gets a corner clothesline from Juvi. Scotty getting choked out by London but not thrown out. Funaki gets in his bulldog on Crazy, so he must be almost done. Yep, he's going for the Rising Sun, which is a bad idea. Crazy turns with him, and pushes Funaki over the top rope. (2:43) Nunzio claps. Focus still on the Mexicools. London taking a break while the other two do the work. Scotty going for corner punches on Juvi, which seems dumb. One two three fur five six seven eight nine - and jumping up catch London with a punch before he knocks him out. Kendrick on Scotty now, Scotty thrown out, but he hangs onto the top rope and pulls himself in - only to be clotheslined back out by Crazy! This time, he can't hang on. (4:03) For what it's worth, your refs are Charles and Nick. Four left. Crazy, recovering, sees a man being whipped towards him, and backdrops him out of the ring - not realizing that man is Juvi! Juvi hangs on to the apron and shoves Crazy. Crazy is confused and distracted, which allows London to dropkick him. Crazy is knocked towards Juvi, who drops down to save himself from being bumped out of the ring, but dooms Crazy at the same time by pulling down the top rope. Crazy goes flying over the low bridge and is eliminated. (4:18) Juvi and Crazy have words before Crazy leaves (is this the end of the Mexicools?) and Juvi almost gets knocked off by London. He fights back, slingshots into the ring, ducks a Kendrick superkick, and we have a three way standoff. Or not, as London and Kendrick make eye contact and remember they're partners. London goes after Juvi - and Kendrick attacks Paul from behind, so maybe not so much partners. Kendrick and London brawling as Juvi takes a break, checking a knee. Brian lands a high kick, but Juvi immediately gets him with a wheel kick. Juvi's pumped. Brian is thrown over, but hangs on. London breaks it up with a forearm. Bria and Paul thrown Juvi over, but he hangs, on, lands on the apron, and crawls in between them. London knocks him down with a kick to the back, but Kendrick uses Juvi as a springboard (!) to forearm London. Juvi nails Kendrick with a big kick. Corner whip for Kendrick, Juvi charges in, Kendrick kips up and out, Kendrick Tiger Mask flip - but London shoves him, Brian landing hard on the floor! (5:56) We're down to two. London apologizes to Kendrick, but Josh ain't buying it. Juvi tells him to bring it. Spinning headscissors, kip up! Juvi's pumped. Charge, right into a London back elbow. London to the middle rope, Mushroom Stomp (to the upper back!) Juvi pushed to the apron, but Juvi gets in a shot and crawls back in fast. Juvi gets London up on his shoulders, London tries to punch his way free, Juvi drops him forward, so now London's on the apron and barely holding on. London gets in a shoulder to the midsection, but goes to it twice and takes a knee on the second try. Juvi backs off the recover, which still gets Paul a chance. Running dropkick, London moves, and Juvi takes the hamstring bump off the ropes. London springboard in - to Juvi's dropkick! Both men down. Nunzio seems slightly impressed. No one puts on a ten count, and this one would be close. Juvi firing up like a babyface - crowd seems split, but I can't tell too well. There's been London chants, though, and he's the hometown hero. Juvi goes over to London, but gets kicked for it. More kicks and forearms from London. Corner whip, reversed, Juvi tries for the rebound clothesline, but gets cooped up and London trying to to drop him ut, but Juvi grabs the ropes. Another side, same problem. Crowd firmly behind London here. Another side, still no, but Juvi's still scooped up, so he might as well drop him - Death Valley Driver! Romero starts to call it a slam, and Josh shoots in to correct him. Picking Juvi up and throning him over the top again, but Juvi hangs on to the middle rope and lays down on the apron. London picks him up and punches him, but Juvi gives him a jawbreaker over the top rope, staying on the apron. Juvi trying a suplex to the floor? He gets London up, but can't get him over - London lands on the other apron, across the corner buckle from Juvi. London working him over from there, and pulling Juvi up to the middle rope with him, but Juvi pounds him to get free. What's Juvi going to do? Sunset flip bomb to the floor? London's blocking, punching, and gets free. Juvi stomped into the apron, London destroying him with stomps to the head, but Juvi won't slip off to the floor. London drops down to the apron, and Juvi immediately sweeps the leg, causing both to hang onto the top rope to stay in it. London is swinging and kicking, then gets on the apron, standing back up - and Juvi nails him with a swinging dropkick before Paul can grab the ropes. London's is blasted to the floor and it's over. (10:24) Juvi is your sole survivor. Nunzio starts getting ready. Juvi celebrates with - himself. Pointing! Juvi tells him to bring it. (14:26)

That's it.

Addedunum: I can't get Taped Live Heat to work. Eh, whatever.