weekend update: from Thursday and Saturday, I've driven 600 miles over about 14 hours (and I'm really getting sick of Milwaukee construction), woken at 5a, slept at 3a, survived a rain delay and a flooded highway, ate too much gas station food, watched four hours of a horrible Cubs game and near twelve hours of great wrestling live, and found some time to read the Heckler. (And that's just the stuff I'm sharing.) It's Sunday, the little I'm feeling is dead, and I'm going to sermonize about the end of shows no one but me watches? Uh no.

Fortunately, it's not just completely pointless, but also completely unnecessary - WWE.com says they'll be hosting the B-Shows on their site (which probably means we went from knowing when the shows would end to not knowing). This is also unsurprising, since if you've been reading thecubsfan.com (those of you not on the site right now, you do read my site, right? Right? Just nod your head so we can move on), you know I suggested this exact idea four weeks ago. Note to WWE: I'd really prefer start giving me a stipend if you're going to use my ideas from now on, okay?

On the downside, the chances of me ever bothering to watch AM Raw have gone dramatically down. So, that's, uh, something. Right.

in other news, the Bengals are 3-0:

Mr. Jeb Tennyson Lund, Friday: So why do I keep watching?
the me, Friday: I should have an equally compelling case about why you - or at least I - should keep watching wrestling.

Wow, awkward. Jeb actually gets to an answer, so you're likely better with that than my personal psychosis, flayed for the world to mock. I'm thinking, though, you shouldn't try to understand domestic abuse by Law and Order episodes. Maybe that's just me, that's just how I roll.

SpikeTV Guy: "What would Slammin' Saturday Night be without the slamming action of WWE Velocity? An hour shorter and that much less violent!" He's said that every week they've designated as Slammin', but you think they might not bring it back for tonight.

TV PG V cc entertainment open - if I never see that truck crash again, it'll be too soon. I think this is the end of the Eddie shots from the old SmackDown open.

Paul Burchill & William Regal (England, 504 pounds) vs Funaki & Scotty 2 Hotty (393 pounds) - your hosts are Plz Fire Romero and Plz Save Josh. Scores will be settled tonight! Which means everyone will punch Romero, I hope.

Josh, randomlly: "Well, someone call my mama!"
Romero, lost: "What's that?"
Josh, cracking: "I honestly don't know! I never knew!"
Romero: "Now you've got me completely confused."
Josh is awesome.

Your ref is Jimmy. Josh recaps our storyline to date; Paul pretty's much whupped Scotty at every turn. Will tonight be any different? (They don't say it like that.) No mention of Paul, putting Funaki out of action till now. They're going to start. Josh: "...Speed kills..." Lockup, break. Armbar by Funaki, Paul blocks it, turn it to a headlock, Funaki tries a headscissors, no luck, back up their feet, Funaki turning out of the headlock and forcing Paul down with a wristlock. Armbar, Paul back up and using a hairpull to back up Funaki into the corner. Really doesn't need to with the size differential. Break is ordered, Paul tries to get a cheap shot but Funaki ducks under, armdrag, armdrag. Paul again with the hairpull,  whip, back elbow is ducked, Funaki tries a whip, Paul's too strong. Paul misses the short clothesline and turns into an armdrag. Armbar. Twist. Funaki thrown down by the hair. Tag to Regal, and there's an amazing amount of boos for it. Funaki tries a drop toe hold (called!), Regal blocks (that sure is popular/dumb), Funaki gets a wristlock, Regal backs him up, but towards Scotty. Tag (crowd pops large and there's a Rock level SCOTTY chant - need less fake audio), and Regal breaks it up with a kick. Armbar, reversed, by Regal, Scotty looks for an escape and rolls into a reversal and a headlock. Off the ropes, shoulderblock. Celebrate. Off the ropes, over, grab the ropes when Regal throws up an elbow. Regal's thrown off, and taken down by Scotty, chest down. Scotty walks over his back on his way back to the ropes, off the ropes, fivearm, kip up, stupid dance move, duck a clothesline, chop to the face. Scotty with a headlock to slow it down, and to yell to the crowd. While still in the headlock, Regal kicks at Funaki, Funaki tries to get after him, and Korderas has to stop him. That allows Regal to shove Scotty off into the other corner, and Birchill's forearm. Regal gets in a left hand to knock him down. Jimmy is still talking to Funaki, so Regal gets in a knee choke as Paul comes in without a tag. They assure Korderas they make a tag before Paul works over Scotty in the corner. Ever incompetent announcer Steve Romero tells us he believes Josh Mathews could last over 30 seconds with Chris Benoit. Josh does not think so. Elbow drop. Josh: "Paul Birchill, shades of Pokerface." One two no. Romero: "What did you say?" "Never mind." Tag to Regal, holding Scotty open for a kick. Regal with a left hand, lots of knees to the midsection, and a butterfly suplex one two NO one two no, one two no! Knee choke while tagging Paul back in, who drops knees on the midsection. Back suplex by Paul one two no. Are they working any body part or all body parts? Chinlock on the ropes. Scotty with right hands, but Paul stops him with a knee and stomps him. Scotty tries to crawl to a corner, but Paul pulls him into a front facelock to stop him. Paul moving it towards Regal for the tag, now Scotty moving it back towards Funaki. Josh, relating to Booker and Sharmell: "My soon to be wife, my fiancé, always say to me, 'Why is that Steve Romero talking? Why? Why? You just tell the man not to talk and you just talk for sixty minutes!" In the meantime, Birchill has switched to a headlock in helps of stopping Scotty's momentum but the situation has only worsened - Scotty's moving and he's close. The position allows Paul to kick Funaki's outstretched arm, but when he turns back for a front facelock, Scotty is able to release suplex him. Tag to Mr. Velocity! Funaki going up! Top rope crossbody. Forearm for Regal, ducks a Birchill clothesline, backdrop for him, dropkick for Regal, BULLDOG. Josh: "Let the bodies hit the floor!" Kick catch enziguri for Regal. Funaki pumped up. Turnbuckle smash for Birchill, as Scotty goes after Regal and ends up being backdropped to the floor. Josh: "I gotta say, it's breaking down on Velocity!" Funaki setting up the Rising Sun, slap to Birchill, but Paul blocks it, sets up with Regal, and gives him the double shoulderbreaker. Regal is told to leave as Birchill doesn't cover - going for the fujiwara armbar instead. Funaki hanging on, but really needs Scotty to show up for the save. Holding on for a while. Crowd trying to will Funaki to do something, but when Regal stomps on Scotty's neck as he tries to get in the ring, it's over. Funaki gives. (6:48) Paul taking his time letting go, but Regal convinces him. Play the Kafka music!

Tonight: Vito & Nunzio vs Super Crazy & Psicosis
Josh: "It's a rematch from the main event of Velocity two weeks ago!"

Velocity is presented by Serenity (movie), Bod Man (deodorant), and Playstation 2 (video game)

SmackDown!: Ortons play mind games with Undertaker. Where do you get Undertake mannequins, anyway? Same place as Kane suits, I bet. Rule of thumb: Anyone who talks about being main event is not in the main event. When he says 'I bet him mentally', does that mean they played chess later? Checkers? Go fish? "I killed you physically!" I don't think you know what that means. Also, he's already dead. Otherwise, it was perfect. You know, they should have wacky shenanigans to distract us from all Randy Orton promos. Anything to help. Way to stand there and not help while Undertaker is choking your boy, Bob. (3:27)
No Mercy: Undertaker vs Randy Orton & Bob Orton in a handicap casket match.
I hope Bob's liked the time on the road. 

What is John Anderson doing with his life? This is astounding ESPNews commercial I'm only seeing, so never mind.

Slam of the Week, sponsored by Juicy Drop Pop: SmackDown debut of Bobby Lashey. Hey, the Dominator.

Brian Kendrick (Seattle, WA, 171 pounds) vs Russell Simpson (223 pounds, already in the ring) - Romero: "I love this music!" Hey (you), I knew Russell would be back sooner than later. This is a match I could possibly not hate. Your ref is Nick. Circle. Lockup. Brian with a headlock. Josh says these two fought in Zero One and Hustle. Russell with an armbar, Brian spins into a reversal, fireman's carry, headlock. Josh says Brian didn't go to his high school prom because he was too shy to ask a girl; he looks like he could still go to one tomorrow and make up for it. Russell tries to shoot off Brian, but he holds on. Romero tries a Josh Is Gay joke, and declares victory when Josh feels it's too stupid for a reaction. Brian shot off this time, slides under, headlock takedown. Russell grabbing the hair to take control, into a headscissors. Brian trying to get momentum for a headstand - and pulls it of to escape. Standoff. Lockup, Brian steps over into a headlock. Russell rushes Brian to a corner and gets in a cheap back elbow on the break. Armbar. Brian shoots him off, Russell back with a shoulderblock. Russell yells, off the ropes, under, taking a cross body for zero. Brian dropkick, waiting for Russell to get to the corner, Stinger Splash comes up empty, and Russell drops him with a clothesline to the back of the head. Stomps. Knee drops to the head. One two no. Russell thrown down by the hair one two no. Elbow to the back of the head. Brian set up bent over the top rope, and Russell cranking his neck over the top. Russell with a cravate. Brian rallying up (not much crowd noise), armdrag, back elbow, five arm. Brian with a series of punches, then forearms. Josh: "Brian Kendrick has that never quit attitude" except for that time he did. Whip, leg lariat by Brian. Simpson stumbles into the corner, and the Stinger Splash will hit this time. Corner whip, reversed, Spanky kips up and out, and pulls of the Tiger Mask flip with a more emphasize on the kick than Akio's version. (Josh calls it.) Simpson stumbles out of the corner into a backdrop. Brian calls it - Sliced Bread #2 one tow three. (4:21) One guy yells in to the camera, he's so thrilled here.

RAW Rebound - we haven't gotten this for months, so you can guess what they're here to promote. How Nitro like that this show was the biggest main event in the history of RAW (what about Show/Austin!!), while we were being hyped for the biggest show in RAW history. (2:08)
Homecoming: Mick Foley
Homecoming: Triple H
Homecoming: Hulk Hogan
Homecoming: Steve Austin
Homecoming: John Cena vs Eric Bischoff [WWE]
Homecoming: other legends
Homecoming: Matt Hardy vs Edge [loser leaves raw, ladder, money in the bank]
no network mentioned.

SmackDown!: Eddie and Batista in mindgames. I don't think that's a real nurse! A implied gay WWE character named Barnett, what a shocking turn of events. I guess Batista figured Eddie wouldn't be teaming with him regardless so he didn't mind making sure he'd be hurt? Because otherwise that didn't make sense. (6:36)
No Mercy: Batista vs Eddie Guerrero [WORLD]
No Mercy: "Save Me" by Shinedown

Up next: Vito & Nunzio vs Super Crazy & Psicosis

WWE Rewind, sponsored by Serenity: Kevin Kennedy beats Rey Mysterio, thanks to a man on a white horse.

Super Crazy & Psicosis (w/Juvi, 401 pounds) vs Vito & WWE Cruiserweight Champion Nunzio (420 pounds) - Mexicools have new music. Eh. Once again, Juvi is dressed like a guy who might wrestle. Playstation 2 presents No Mercy. Vito is wearing a sleeveless leather jacket, which I want to say he had back in WCW (definitely the beret), but I can't recall and that may be a good thing. Romero references The Lord's of Flatbush, and Josh asks me to link to an explanation because everyone who was watching was born after the movie was made (1974 - yea, maybe.) Josh: "Most of my time IS spent doing geography." Not time for Robin Hood. Josh reminds us that both Crazy and Psi have pinned Nunzio. Crazy and Vito to start. Your ref is Brian. Lockup. Vito bull rushes Crazy into the corner, and pounds him down. Whip, clothesline. Josh picked the winner to be the team with the quickest start. Is Crazy out? He ain't moving. Juvi up on the apron to yell at Vito for killing Super Crazy, and he gets punched. Vito picks up Crazy, and cranks his arm over the ropes, so Crazy's at least alive because he's yelling. Over to tag Nunzio, who cranks Crazy arm over the rope while dropping to the floor. Nunzio the top rope! Crossbody, rolled thru one two no. Josh, who's in the middle of reenacting a Brian/Vinny show conversation with Romero: "I want to the viewing audience to know what really happens behind the scenes of Velocity!" Nunzio with a kick to the midsection, off the ropes, sunset flip, Crazy rolls thru to land the dropkick to the head. Crazy's arm is hurting, but he'll cover, one tow no. Stomps. Crazy grabs Nunzio's leg and makes the needed tag. They set up in the corner again - great rolling leg lace powerbomb again. Psi covering one two NO. Nunzio fights free and runs Psi on the corner to tag into Vito. Vito with headbutts to the chest (?!?). Whip, forearm to the head. Whip, reversed, Juvi grabs Vito's leg, Hebner's caught it and yells at him, but Vito's looking the wrong way and Psi dropkicks him out. Juvi grabs Vito, and brings him around the ring to stomp - Nunzio chases him off and helps up Vito, but they've lost track of Psicosis - corkscrew pescado! Psicosis pulls himself back in the ring, and Juvi laughs at Nunzio as we go to break. (3:06)

Back with Psi having Vito in an armbar. Vito trying to reach free, managing a whip, Nunzio with a cheap knee from the outside, enough to buy Vito a moment but not to knock Vito down. Nunzio: "What are you going to do me?" Psi explains by giving him a jumping enziguri and yells at him, before turning directly into Vito's mafia kick. Psicosis ends up out at Nunzio's feet, so he gets in a few stomps. Nunzio: "He kicked me in the face!" Psi thrown in, Vito with a kneedrop. Psi wants a tag but won't get it yet. Slam, off the ropes, elbow drop one two NO. Juvi rallying the crowd as Vito brings Psi back over for a tag to Nunzio. Double hiptoss. Nunzio sits on top to cover, one two no. Armbar to stop Psi from crawling. Psicosis trying to get up. Crowd rallying for him. Elbow, elbow, elbow, gut shot, shot to the head, shot to the head, corner whip, reversed, Psi with a corner sunset flip as the crowd chants MEX I COOL, one two NO. Nunzio with a knee to stop this. Psi is dragged back over to Vito, and Nunzio puts on a leg bar while he tags Vito. Vito takes a second, and stomps Psicosis in the head. Vito clubbing Psicosis with forearms to the chest. Chinlock by Vito. Psi trying to draw from the crowd for a third time, and it's working again, but Vito throws him down by the head. Tag to Nunzio, opening Psicosis for a shot to the midsection. Nunzio with a forearm to the back, Psi trying to fight back with a right hand, but Nunzio stops that with an eye rake. Nunzio with a headlock, and tries to smash Psi's head into Vito's boot, Psi blocks, Nunzio takes it instead, Vito lays out Psi with a right hand instead! One two no. Nunzio with an armbar as the crowd gets loud for Psi again, a little to fast for him. Psi getting back up. Elbows. Rights. Psicosis tries to charge over and past Nunzio for a tag, but Nunzio has him just short. Psi's thrown off so he comes back with a wheel kick. Psi going to cover - no, he's going to try for a pin. Crawling on his back. Crawling, crawling, Nunzio charges, Psi gives him a drop toe hold! TAG TO CRAZY! Fivearm for Vito, clotheslines for Nunzio, back elbow for Vito, dropkick for Nunzio, dropkick for Vito, Crazy off the ropes, spinning headscissors for Nunzio, backdrop for Vito. Nunzio set up in the middle of the ring - quebrada, with Nunzio getting murdered by Crazy's knees (he got a lot less bounce than he's expecting or use to, I imagine), one two Vito breaks it up. All four men in the ring, with the Crazy's doing corner punches in opposite corners as the crowd chants for them again. Vito frees himself with an atomic drop and a clothesline on Psicosis. Crazy backs up and calls Nunzio who charges - REINERA! Crazy drops him, and gives him a running Tornado DDT, using Vito to climb up (and kick) instead of the ropes! One two THREE! (5:08, 8:14 total) Mexicools win AGAIN. Nunzio loses AGAIN. They went off with a fun match, that's nice. Give 'em a belt shot. Psicosis: "We're Mexicools! I told you! I told you!" Look at Juvi dive into the camera shot and do the RVD point again. Juvi's still talking to the camera when his teammates have walked off.

Josh: "The Mexicools once again defeating Vito and Nunzio here on Velocity!"
Romero: "See what happens on Friday Night SmackDown: will the mind games continue between the Undertaker and [unintellegible] Friday Night SmackDown!, TV that's changing Friday Nights!"

That's it.