Billy Gunn (w/Torrie Wilson, 265 pounds) vs Doug Basham (Columbus, OH, 245 pounds, w/Danny Basham and Shaniqua) - playing the part of Cat this week is Tazz. "I'm telling you Cole, these people are all fired up today, man!" Tazz has to take off his glasses to realize which guy he's stuck with tonight. "What the hell did you do with Cole?" "It's me Josh!" "Where’s Cole? [checks underneath the table - nope] It's Velocity?" "It's Velocity." "Oh man, I must've made a wrong turn in the back." Oh boy it's the feud that's not sweeping the nation. Josh: “Tazz, the Cat has been telling everyone and anyone who will listen that he’s headed for bigger and better things.” Tazz fakes caring. Josh tells us to stay tuned for further updates, so it might not be a write out (though it sure sounds that way at first glance.) Billy decides the best idea is to attack before he is attacked. Works for a second, then he’s whipped into a Danny clothesline and that’s it. Doug and Danny working him over on the outside, running him into the barricade. Talking trash, and throwing him in. Doug in, Danny would like to join him but is cut off on the apron by the ref – ah, Jamie Noble and Nidia are finally heading to ringside. Since the ref is watching Danny, he misses Jamie coming in the sideway - but is able to cut him off before he gets involved. Doug in control in the ring with right hands, but staking to talk trash Gunn pushes him away, kick, right, right, corner whip, reversed, Doug runs into a boot. Noble and Nidia are rooting him on. Doug misses a clothesline, Billy runs him chest first into the corner but takes a back elbow. Doug with the second rope pump elbow drop one no. Long look at Shaniqua. Snap mare for Billy, Doug off the ropes and nails hit the diving clothesline. Talk, knee drop. One two no. Clubbing forearm. Crowd chants for Torrie. Tazz joins in for no reason. Billy punching back, but Doug cuts him down with kicks. Off the ropes, kick to the head one two no. Tazz calls Josh “Cole 2”. Chinlock. Tazz says it’s an S&M chinlock. Tazz takes the Bradshaw point of view in the Shaniqua/Shelton dispute. Nidia, Noble and Torrie pound the mat for Jamie to get back up – it’s weird seeing three people do it. Billy punching out of a front facelock, but Doug back with knees. Stopping to taunt Torrie before another kneeleft, Billy blocks it and hits a back suplex. Gunn – looking for the tag? Now he gets it. Both up, Doug kicks him. Pumphandle is pressed in, Gunn is not amused, roll forward and kicks Basham away. Torrie plays cheerleader. Josh and Tazz discuss which people at ringside beat Josh in Tough Enough. Both men up, Gunn reveres a clothesline into a cobra clutch – One and Only! WMXX. Gunn slow to cover. You’d think Torrie’s hands would be tired of pounding the mat by now. Tazz: “I’d like to see Shaniqua beat the heck of Torrie. Not in a bad way, in a good way.” Doug with a right, Billy with a right, right, right, whip, back elbow, clothesline. Whip, tilt-a-whirl slam one two NO. Corner whip, Billy backing up , corner splash hits. Billy waits for Doug to rebound out – kick, Fameasser. Shaniqua slides in a chair – to Gunn. I don’t think that was her plan. Billy has it, and maybe Shaniqua had a good idea because Billy’s pointing in her direction instead of covering. Noble goes charging at Shaniqua, and takes a hard big boot in chest. Yow. Meanwhile, the chair is being repossessed, and as the referee turns to dispose of it, Danny smashes the handle of the Magic Stick into Gunn’s face. Danny rolls out Dog and covers himself one two three (4:58) Danny smartly rolls right out and checks on his brother, thus confusing who was the guy in. The referee raises Doug’s arm! Ha.

Still To Come: Billy Kidman vs Tajiri to determine the #1 Contender to the Cruiserweight Championship!
Up Next: Eddie Guerrero goes home

SmackDown! Live
08/31 – Uniondale, NY
09/02 – New Orleans, LA
09/07 – Ft. Lauderdale, FL
09/08 – Columbus, GA
09/09 – Birmingham, AB

Lugz US Title retained of Sunday

Did Tazz just said that Eddie has thousands of family and friends in attendance? Clip to Cena showing up and Eddie not being happy with him. Wait, did Josh just call Eddie “the Lasso from El Paso” as a nickname? What’s the defining quality of a lasso? Ay yi yi yi – losing the wheels is cosmic payback for stealing the Angle portrait, right? (4:26)

Backstage, Shelton Benjamin checks himself in the mirror
Shelton: I don’t see it at all
[Charlie Haas shows up]
Charlie: What don’t you see? Let me see.
Shelton: I don’t know what’s wrong with that big dumb Texan Bradshaw – I don’t look a thing like Shaniqua.
Charlie: You’re right – big dumb Texan. What the hell does Bradshaw know, he went to Abliene Texan University. Listen, being the academic scholar that I am, I’m gonna prove to you that you look nothing like Shaniqua, that way you can get some sleep at night, I know this is bugging you. I’m gonna prove to you – just bear with me.
[Shelton is confused. Haas produces a brown wig]
Charlie: Ok. A weave.
Shelton: A weave?
Charlie: Put it on, and make sure I look nothing like Shaniqua.
Shelton: What do you mean, make sure I look nothing like Shaniqua - the proof is right there [mirror] that I look nothing like Shaniqua
Charlie: SHELTON! Don’t argue with me, just put in on, and we’re going to prove to you that you look nothing like Shaniqua
Shelton: You want to prove to me something I already – do I need to show you the Carolina Black Snake-
Charlie: Hey, put that away , no one wants to see that
Shelton: I’ll be happy to show you –
Charlie: Shelton!
Shelton: You want me to put this weave on to prove something I already don’t believe – whatever. Only because it’s you.
[Shelton turns to put on the wig. Charlie cracks up out of sight. Shelton turns around and checks himself out in the mirror with the new hair.]
Charlie: You see, I told you, you look nothing like Shaniqua.
[Bradshaw is now watching this from the locker room and going a bit nuts]
Shelton: You’re right, I look nothing like her.
Charlie: Just to put everything at rest, put this on – lipstick!
Shelton: Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
[Bradshaw is waving someone over – Faarooq? Yep. He doesn’t know what he’s walked into, but it’s causing him to take off his sunglasses to get a better look]
Charlie: You put in on, and you’ll sleep for life. We’ll make sure you don’t look anything like Shaniqua!
Shelton: Where did you get this from? Are you attracted to me – I mean, her?
Charlie: Shelton. C’mon!
Shelton: That’s not funny!
[Bradshaw has a camera – and starts snapping.]
Bradshaw: HA! I GOT YA! I GOT YA I GOT YA!
[Everyone yells over each other. Bradshaw walks off happy. Faarooq, quiet, is yelled at to leave.]
Shelton: Put a wig, he says! Try a little lipstick, he says! Prove to yourself you’re not a woman, and I know am not a-
Orlando Jordan [walking by]: Whoa whoa – hey Shaniqua [keeps walking]
Shelton: DAMNIT! I’M NOT SHANIQUA!
Josh says match later

Shannon Moore (Raleigh, NC, 209 pounds, w/Matt Hardy) vs H. D. Yates (235 pounds, already in the ring) – We note that Shannon has new tights, his hair is more black, and the tattoo on his arm got a lot bigger. I don’t know why we note, but we do. Lockup, Shannon with a hammerlock, switch, Shannon backs him into the corner, back elbow. Shannon mocks Yates. Lockup, Shannon forces Yates into the corner! Yates is not enormously bigger than Shannon, but is a step up in weight class and Shannon shouldn’t be able to do it. Perhaps this is new improved Shannon Moore. Shannon with a slap to the face. Yates pushes him down. Shannon taunts Yates into charging, and takes him down with a drop toe hold. TAZZ GETS ON JOSH FOR CALLING THOSE STEP OVER TOE HOLDS. That’s awesome. It’s great to have him on the program this week. Shannon on HD with forearms to the back of the head. Yates set up on the second rope, and Shannon with a running knee on the apron. Shannon covers one no. Turnbuckle smash. Shannon with chops, and forearm sin the corner. Corner whip, reversed, Shannon kips up and out and pointless flip. Kick for HD, off the ropes, swinging neckbreaker one two no. Shannon choking H.D. on the middle rope – I bet this leads to him walking off and Matt doing something. Shannon back off, showing how to do the V1 symbol to Jimmy Korderas. Matt – shows H.D. the V1 sign too. “I’M V1 [ah]!” Tazz: “I’m V1 AHHHH” Shannon off the ropes, running butt drop on Yates’ back. Shannon with a spin, then a cover one two no. What’s got into Shannon this week? Shannon picks up Yates, forearms, choke on the middle rope in the corner. More forearms. Shannon yells, backing in up, charge, running hipcheck comes in empty. Yates with a right, right, right, whip, back elbow. Clothesline. Right. Whip, powerslam one two no. Tazz is annoyed with Josh’s jokes. Josh is scared for his life. Back suplex, Shannon lands on his feet, Shannon dropkick to the back. Tazz: “I know you’re used to working by yourself, but tonight you’re not, you know?” Shannon ducks the clothesline, to the top rope, Halo [called!] one two NO! I guess that’s not his finisher. Shan-trum, with added forward roll kip up for no reason. Shannon arguing the count. Finally back over to Yates - Yates blocks the pick up with punches. Corner whip, Yates backs up and charges in – to double boots. Shannon to the second rope. Mooregasm! Not called one two three. (4:09) Matt never interfered! Wow, if Shannon only looked this good against someone on the roster sometime.

Still To Come: Three of the biggest men in the WWE meet to determine the WWE #1 Contender
Next: Billy Kidman vs Tajiri for WWE Cruiserweight Championship. Hey, that’s like nearly the same thing.

You know, the bad thing about the “please don’t try it at home ad” is they show it so infrequently, the first thing I think when I see it is “I wonder who did something stupid this week.”

Tajiri (Japan, 206 pounds, 7) vs thug life Billy Kidman (Allentown, PA, 215 pounds, 6) for #1 contendership to the WWE Cruiserweight Title – We come back late from break. Tajiri’s music is – too quiet. Ultimo is #1 contender according to me, but he’s vanished. If you say Noble’s not wrestling cruiserweights right now, Nunzio just got his shot and Spanky is dead, this seems fair. I can’t remember if we’ve had a match that’s beat their match from the first Velocity. When they go to bring up the Shopzone ad, the screen goes black and sound goes dead. It repeats when they turn off the Shopzone ad. Luckily, the bell hasn’t rung. Lockup, I just notice Tajiri’s new tights now, Tajiri with waistlock, switch, Tajiri breaks free into an armbar, snap mare into a chinlock, Kidman escapes out into a hammerlock Tajiri gets a foot on the ropes. Lockup, Tajiri with a hammerlock, Kidman looks low, goes high with a jumping snap mare. Kidman ducks the Tajiri clothesline, off the ropes, Tajiri hiptoss countered into a Kidman hiptoss, but that’s blocked so Kidman gives him a knee and uses the Cruiserweight flip out (it’s #1 contenders match!), Tajiri with a kick, corner whip, Kidman kip up and headscissors out. Kidman armdrag, Tajiri armdrag, stand off. Respect claps. Double wristlock, no Tajiri down into a headlock. Tazz thinks Japanese equals quick. Kidman shots Tajiri off, under, Tajiri stops quick and hits a hard hamstring kick. And another. Tajiri working that area, taking Kidman down and dropping an elbow on the knee. Inside legbar, cover one no. Tajiri cranking it in, Kidman trying to kick him away but can’t get it – third try does it, Tajiri off the ropes and “drop toe hold, right?” “drop toe hold!” Kidman with an elbow drop to the back, stomp, up for a whip, reversed, Kidman with a spinning back elbow. One two NO. Chinlock on the mat. Tajiri battling up, back elbow, back elbow, Kidman with a right, right, off the ropes and right into the wheel kick. Tajiri might have ko-ed him – one two NO. Tajiri has him up – chop, chop, whip, reversed, Tajiri tries the handspring elbow but Kidman dropkicks him in the back. Cover one two NO. Kidman can’t believe it. Replay of the dropkick. Kidman pulling himself on the ropes, but Tajiri is up too. Hey, it’s an open hand slap battle! Tajiri decides he’s had enough lucha – kick to the side, kick to the side, kick – caught, spun inside cradle one two NO. Tajiri up quick, kick, suplex, Kidman slide behind, waistlock rollup one two no. Kidman with a kick, corner whip, rebound clothesline is ducked (everyone scouting!), Kidman turns around and Tajiri kills him with the reverse thrust kick one two NO! Tazz gives Kidman mad props. Tajiri with a back suplex, but Kidman’s a cruiserweight and lands on his feet (and hands), Tajiri ready and chopping. Slap – MICHINOKU DRIVER! Josh calls it! One two NO! Where the heck was that from? (Well, besides TAKA.) Tajiri thinking and waiting for Kidman to get up. Tajiri picking up Kidman – elbow to the head, forearm, corner whip, reversed and Kidman gets in a couple of forearms. Springboard bulldog works! Kidman’s near the ropes, but he hooks the outside leg – and arm! One two NO! Kidman with a corner whip, charge in – Tarantula! One two three four and he lets go, but that leaves Kidman in perfect position. Tajiri sets up for it and waits – Buzzsaw Kick is ducked, but Tajiri is ready for it, kick with the other leg, running Tornado DDT reversed into the BK BOMB! One two NO! How did he do that? Kidman pulling himself up on the ropes, then pulling Tajiri up. Tajiri breaks free – standing spin kick goes too high, kick catch enziguri by Kidman! Tajiri did a nice timber there. Kidman going for it? Tajiri right in the middle of the ring, so he’s gonna have to pull Tajiri over – but Tajiri with a snap kick to the head! Kidman falls backwards into Brian Hebner, and Brain falls into the corner. Tajiri ‘rana, Kidman rolls though and pushes Tajiri off, MIST! Jacknife cover one two THREE! (6:37) Ref never saw it, because of the cover – and now since Tajiri’s headed to the stage, he doesn’t see Kidman’s face. Tajiri covers his mouth while his hand is being raised – he’s your #1 contender. This was pretty close to the other one.

Next: Highlights of the other #1 Contender Match

JVC New WWE Champion of Sunday

Tazz and Josh gab and throw it to

They’re really pushing this match being “three BIG guys”, which reminds me of a survey. Hey, the same guy with the 2 sign is in the same seat on this show! What are the odds of that? (3:51)

SmackDown: Kurt Angle (c) vs the Undertaker for the WWE Championship
Josh: “Could this be Undertaker’s last chance to be WWE Champion again?” What does that mean? And when’s Rey vs Tajiri?

Next: Self Proclaimed World’s Greatest Tag Team vs APA – perhaps a little bit too wordy there.

WM Recall: the Undertaker’s WM debut vs Jimmy Snuka, WM 7, 1991. Hmm. Nah.

WWE Tag Team Champions the World’s Greatest Tag Team (489 pounds) vs APA (561 pounds) in a non-title match – Tazz thinks Bradshaw is right. Josh says he’s seen stranger things – like Tony Chimel. Back to last week, where Haas helped but not enough to get Shelton the win. Bradshaw is going to make that Hook ‘Em Horns sign about 50 times this match, I reckon. It’ll be Bradshaw and Haas to start with. Lockup, Bradshaw forces him into the corner, knee, forearm, forearm, headlock, shot into the ropes, Tazz says he’s worn lipstick, Haas drop to hold doesn’t come close but Bradshaw sells it anyway. Headlock by Haas, and Bradshaw back suplexes him down. Stomp. Suplex, float over one two no. Haas with an eye poke, front facelock, Shelton tags himself in. Bradshaw pounding on him, whip, reversed, big shoulderblock from Bradshaw, off the ropes, elbow drop one two no. Tag to Faarooq, slam, holding Shelton in a seated position so Faarooq can hit a diving shoulderblock to Shelton’s back. Corner whip, and Shelton goes down. Forearm in the back, forearm to the back. Whip, clothesline is ducked under, Shelton tries a backslide but he’s not strong enough to get it over, especially that chant. Faarooq bends over , Shelton uses the momentum to flip out in front of him, kick DDT. Cover one two NO. Forearm, right, kick, Shelton distracts to Charlie can choke with the tag rope. One two no. Talk about the Cat again. Is he going to RAW? OH NO – Eric’s going to have his own broadcast team and it’s gonna be Coach and Cat! OH NO! That’ll be funny for five minutes and then make you cry for two hours. Shelton with a right, whip, head down too soon and Shelton takes a knee. Tag to Haas, but Faarooq takes in Bradshaw big shoulderblock for Haas. Whip, back elbow. Corner whip, Haas rebounds out into another corner whip, Haas goes down in the corner. Bradshaw going for – the Torture Rack? Atlantida? God only knows – he drops Haas to boot Shelton as he comes in. Powerslam for Haas, no cover so he can throw out Shelton. Back to Haas, boot, whip, reversed, Haas has his head down too soon and gets it forearmed, Shelton off the rope – cross body is caught. Last Call. Shelton rolls all the way up. Another whip for Haas, Bradshaw charges in, but Shelton pulls him out of the way. Haas with a dropkick for Bradshaw’s knee. Haas working the knee, with kicks and a knee drop. Tag to Shelton, Haas holds the leg over the bottom rope so Shelton can slingshot in and hit a sit on the knee. Shelton setting up – crooked figure four? Bradshaw with his feet down one two no. One two no. Ropes are a little too far away – but he’s got ‘em. Shelton leaves it on for a two count. Tag to Charlie., holding Bradshaw into a front facelock so Haas can hit a forearm. Kneebreaker by Haas, kick to the back of the knee, cover one two no. Haas pulling Bradshaw back in the middle – knee smash into the mat. Stomping on the back of the knee. Tag to Shelton, holding the leg open for Shelton to kick it. Crowd getting behind the APA once again in this match – they’ve been there a few times. Shelton with a toe hold, but Bradshaw manages to kick him away. Bradshaw tries to limp away, but Shelton has him by the held. Bradshaw grabs him – swinging neckbreaker. Both are down. One two three four five six tag to Haas, tag to Faarooq. Faarooq with a clothesline for Haas, right for Shelton, whip, powerslam for Shelton. Haas over and into the spinebuster. Faarooq covers but Choida isn’t counting – he thinks Shelton is the legal men? HE saw the tag! Shelton breaks it up before we really can get much out of it- Bradshaw is on it him. Double whip on Shelton, double shoulderblock. Faarooq is calling it to the crowd as Bradshaw goes out to take care of Shelton – Shelton manages to post him and come back in. Haas trying to be dead weight to avoid the Dominator – Shelton superkick! Haas jackknifes over (into the ropes, but he gets out of them) one two three! (7:31) So I guess APA won’t be getting any title shots soon. HA.

Josh says the Cruiserweight Title match IS on Thursday, awesome. And also the other title match. That’s it.

Confidential is now.