Oh wow, new name means new Velocity bumper - too bad THE FOOTAGE IS FROM HEAT (Hurricane/Nowinski and Trish/Victoria). This is the quality thought process you can expect from Spike TV!

TV 14 DLV CC entertainment open fireworks

Nunzio (201 1/4 pounds, 4) vs SmackDown #1 Announcer Funaki (Japan, 208 pounds, 8) - No sleep til that logo animates. Is it so hard to say "Queens, New York"? Hey! This week, Cat sounds a lot like Michael Cole doing the worst Cat impersonation possible! "I'm gonna get my foot out of your ass, kid!" Josh explains that the Cat is stuck in Atlanta due to the North East power outage. I bet we don't get the desk shot. "Well, Cole, welcome to the A-Team". "I feel what Tazz feels like every week, sitting in the commentator's seat. I even wore my orange underwear!" "It's gonna be a long hour." Circle. Nunzio has issues with all these people in the seats. Lockup, break. Nunzio wants a Test of Strength - but he doesn't have the power of a Funaki. Announcers are debating if Detroit or New Jersey is Hockeytown, USA. Seeing as New Jersey isn't a town - anyway, Nunzio kicks free one of the wristlock, leg sweep, cover for zero. Funaki with an armdrag and another. Josh says "Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat" as Funaki puts on the armbar and stomps it in. Nunzio with forearms to get free. Whip, Funaki goes under, Funaki with the whip, backdrop. There's the bulldog one two no. Funaki accuses Hebner of a slow count. Corner whip, reversed, Funaki goes for the WOW crossbody (sorta) and Nunzio surprises him with a dropkick one two no. Nunzio shouting and bouncing. Kick to the back, choke. Nunzio lets go, then goes back for more - Funaki small package one two no. Funaki kicks is caught and Nunzio clotheslines him quickly one two no. Whip, Nunzio sleeper. Is that drool on his chin? Yeeeech. Funaki in the center of the ring and nowhere to go, so he grabs on to Hebner. That doesn't help, so back elbows to escape. Funaki with a whip, dropkick but Nunzio has the ropes. Nunzio with an elbow drop but no one's home. Both up, Nunzio's clothesline is turned into a backslide one two no. Funaki charges into a leg trop, Nunzio on his back, floating around into a front facelock. Bringing him up, into a back suplex one two no. Nunzio poses as announcers talk about Matt/Zach. Knee pad lowering knee drop. Into the corner, open hand slap, and another. Corner whip, reversed, Funaki charges into a back elbow. Nunzio to the second rope - second rope dropkick is sidestepped, Funaki covers for one two no. Both Undertaker (ribs) and Stephanie (sternum) have bruised body parts thanks to A-Train. Nunzio's under tights are peaking out again - Nunzio with a kick, is caught and he's spun, Funaki with the kick catch enziguri one two NO. WM XX ad. Josh tripped over his own words calling that last pinfall. Cole: "Pretty hard to get Funaki and Nunzio mixed up." Josh: "No, no, they're both Mexican." Funaki with a right right, Nunzio's right is ducked and Funaki hits a back suplex one two NO. Josh has the most annoying laugh. Funaki with a suplex, blocked, Nunzio tries for the armbar takedown but Funaki blocks, inside cradle by Funaki is blocked, Nunzio turns into a cradle of his own, pulling the tights one two three (4:58) Replay of the tights pull - Funaki doesn't tan down there.

Still to come: A-Train vs Stephanie
Next: Brock Lesnar and Vince McMahon

SmackDown! Live
8/17 - Hamilton, ON
8/18 - Sarnia, ON
8/19 - Detroit, MI [SD!]
8/24 - Phoenix, AZ [PPV]
8/26 - El Paso, TX [SD!]

St. Anger by Metallica is the official theme song of SummerSlam (:33)

Brock Turn video package (1:10)
Last Thursday, Why Brock Why. I guess they won't be selling as many of those shirts now. KOOL AID MAN! Oh wow Vince is shooting. Oh wow Spanky is a MORON. Does the Real Brock Lesnar know the Real Stone Cold Steve Austin? Bleeding in color, at least this week. For a bunch of pals, Funaki and Orlando were sure no help here. (7:55)
SummerSlam: Kurt Angle vs Brock Lesnar (w/Vince McMahon) for the WWE Title
Still to Come: Stephanie and A-Train wrestle.

WM Recall: Bret Hart beats Yokozuna at WM XX (1994). Ah, Yoko must be on bad terms with Vince this week.

Sean O'Haire (274 pounds) vs Ken Anderson (Kansas, City, MO, 241 pounds, already in the ring) - Ken sure moves a bunch. Lockup, Sean with a waistlock and takedown. Front facelock, into swinging neckbreaker. Cole: "Wasn't Ken Anderson the QB for Cincinnati?" Josh: "I don't know, that was before my time." Cole: "That's right, you're 15." Holding onto the front facelock, forearm to the back, right, kick, kick. Ken gets in a jawbreaker to break up the run. High swinging kick is ducked under, but a jumping high connects on the next try. Sean gathers himself, and pops up with a big clothesline. Ken in the corner, Sean asking him if he feels good. Right. Knee. Knee. Knee. Corner whip, Ken rebounds into a throwing slam. Slide for no reason, clubbing forearms to the head. Stomp. Kick to the back of the leg. Ken with a right, Sean with aright of his own. Knee. Knee. Knee. Throwing Ken down by his hair. Kick to the back. Elbow to the back. Sean's tights are moving their way up. Snap mare, neck vice. Soccer kick to the back. Neck vice. Soccer kick to the back. Elbow to the shoulder, kick to the chest. One two Ken's foot and arm under the ropes. Announcers seriously wonder if Stephanie will quit her GM job this week, having apparently never met a McMahon or watched a television show in their life. Jumping stomp! If you like strikes, this is the match for you. Not me. Ken using O'Haire as a climbing post, Sean's punch misses and Ken hits a high dropkick. Sean is knocked into the ropes, but comes back with a clothesline. Press - and drop into the Widowmaker. (3:50)

Tonight: Matt Hardy (w/Shannon Moore) vs Orlando Jordan
Josh: "the Ladies Man himself-" Cole: "I'm not wrestling tonight"

That song is sponsoring that PPV.

FBI (530 pounds, w/o Nunzio) vs Slater Vain and Steve Fender (445 pounds, already in the ring) - Josh: "Yea, I love Metallica!" Cole: "Metallica rules!" What dorks. Cole: "Hey, Chimel got weights right this week." Cole says Cat has to be back next week because he's got Bruce Springsteen shows to go to. Josh calls him a supermark for Bruce. Lockup, Vain with a headlock, shoved off, Vain back with a hop on the shoulders, victory roll (Cole goes nuclear, having apparently never seen that, or just being annoying) one two no. Vain with a headlock, tag to Fender. Fender with a kick and headlock, but Johnny carries him across the ring for a tag to Chuck. Whip, Steve slides under, superkick is caught, Chuck grabs him in a side headlock. Shot off - no, Chuck holds onto the head. Chuck with a forearm. Okay, Steve will try again - shot off, Chuck back with a shoulderblock. Chin flick. Off the ropes, leapfrog but Chuck's got the ropes - there's the right hand. Slam, Steve slips behind, off the ropes but Johnny catches him from behind with a forearm. Chuck with a powerbomb - into the corner! Back first, kinda. Tag to Johnny, and they take turns kicking Steve down in the corner. Tag to Chuck so he can kick some more. Tag to Johnny, so he can kick some more. Tag to Chuck, so he can - oh, he's picking him up. Tag to Johnny, whip, Johnny with the running sliding leg trip, and Chuck adds a big boot to the head. One two no. Stomp. Front facelock. Steve wants the tag but Johnny is holding him just short. Steve is moving him that way, and Slater makes the tag, but Choida missed it keeping Palumbo out of the ring. Johnny pushes Steve all the way back (Cole is 'hilariously' calling the locals by whatever name he thinks of at the moment), forearm, and Chuck crotches him on the post as Johnny stomps. Choida missing all this while talking to Steve about the tag he never saw. Once everything's back under control, Johnny taunts Steve, then tags Chuck. Choida didn't see that one either (stopping Steve from coming in post taunt), but he says he heard it - Cole and I wonder how he could let that happen and to the other one. Chuck taunts Vain, then forearms Steve as he tries to crawl for a tag. Tag to Johnny, but Steve manages to kick Johnny into Chuck. Crawling for a tag - he's almost there - and he's got it. Chuck runs himself and Steve out of the ring, but too later. Slater with a clothesline for Johnny. Whip, dropkick. Dropkick to the knee for Chuck. Kick catch enziguri for Johnny. Dropkick for Chuck. 'rana for Johnny is held up - trying to punch in control but he's shoved off - Jungle Kick by Chuck, Johnny covers one two three. (4:27) Steve gets decked for being on the apron. Maybe it's an Urban Jungle Kick now?

Up Next: Stephanie vs A-Train

Stephanie returns. Josh is the only one doing the video package introductions. Hey, right there, Stephanie said she's not going to quit until Vince fires her (hey, why hasn't he done that?) or he listens to reason (turns face.) So why is this an issue? "As a businessman, [Vince] might be one of the biggest success stories in the world" good lord. I guess Stephanie still looks up to Vince? I ought to remember to watch this SmackDown at some point. Hey, remember when Albert turned on Test to get Stephanie's approval - he's got a think for trying to impress (usually evil) people in power. (7:35)

SummerSlam: Undertaker vs A-Train. Wait, there's Cole. Talking, not in this match
SummerSlam: Eddie Guerrero (c) vs Chris Benoit vs Rhyno vs Tajiri for the US Title
SummerSlam: Kurt Angle (c) vs Brock Lesnar (w/Vince McMahon) for the WWE Title
Just Added: SummerSlam: Zach Gowen vs Matt Hardy (Version One). Hey, Matt got himself on PPV! Good for him.

Orlando Jordan skips rope. He's next.

Snickers Zach losses to Nunzio in an unfortunate Twist of Fate of Last Thursday

Matt Hardy (Version One, Cameron, NC, 227 pounds, w/Shannon Moore and Last Thursday) vs Orlando Jordan (Miami, FL, 240 pounds) - Matt Fact: Matt sleeps on his side. Matt's fortune cookies always predict success. Ah, here's the highlights of the punk out from this week - I wondered why they didn't show them in the ad. Spike TV log covers up part of the Rey Shopzone ad. Are those new purple pants? Nifty. Cole makes analogies - Matt:Shannon::Cat:Josh, but it flies right over Josh's head. Circle, lockup, Orlando armbar, wristlock, pulling him into a headlock. Spinning into a hammerlock. Matt reaches for the ropes but they're too far away, reverse into his own hammerlock, shove, DOUBLE V1. Orlando is not amused, though the crowd is. Circle. Lockup, Orlando pushing Matt in the corner, but Matt turns it around at the last second, putting Orlando into the corner and showing him the V1 sign. Orlando responds with a punch, which seems unfair. Armbar, headlock, shot off and back with a shoulderblock. Orlando went to Boise State, says Cole. Off the ropes, over, Matt hiptoss blocked and turn into an A-Train. Shuffle, dropkick one two no. Armbar, Matt with aright to get free, whip, reversed, Orlando dropkicks but Matt has the ropes. Orlando thrown out, Matt after him, but he's held back by Brian Hebner. No problem, Matt will distract while Shannon gets to stomping. Now Matt is out. Forearm, apron smash. Everyone back in. Choke around the top rope. Running sit on the second rope, one two no. Right by Matt is blocked, Orlando with a chop, chop, right is caught into the Side Effect one two no. Matt goes down to a front facelock, double knee to the back. Cole likes the "paisley" colored pants. Orlando with rights, Matt with a right. Matt off the ropes, into a clothesline. Replay of the clothesline, though it really wasn't worth it. Orlando Punch Flurry. Now gut punches in the corner. Corner whip, reversed, Orlando kips up and out, pointless backflip almost goes horribly bad, Matt waits and charges out into a powerslam one two no. Orlando with a whip, reversed into a Matt kick, Twist of pushed off, Matt bounces back under the clothesline, Orlando off the ropes and hitting the five arm one two NO. Orlando going for a suplex - slightly delayed. Orlando going up, but slow. Waiting for Matt to get up - top rope cross body one two NO. Orlando with a whip, reversed, Matt throws him out of the ring, but Orlando holds on to the top rope and sticks on the apron. Matt's punch is blocked, Orlando is not. What's Shannon up to? As Hebner checks on Matt, Orlando goes up, and Shannon charges over to grab Orlando's left leg - kicked away. Orlando up - top rope axhandle is short and Matt kicks him on the way down. Twist of Fate, one two three. (5:30) The first three rows sure thought Matt was the babyface here, for whatever reason.

Last SmackDown! before SummerSlam is Thursday, but Confidential is next.