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Sean O'Haire (274 pounds) vs Bobby Rude (270, already in the ring) - Someone decided that they needed to credit Sean's song with a graphic. Your announcers are Cat and Josh. Later: A-Train/Funaki, Orlando/Kanyon, Spanky/Nunzio. That's like the whole show. Josh and Cat waste no time making the "A-Train and Funaki have fought 800 times" joke. Lockup, O'Haire throws Rude down face first and punches him. Backing off and circling. Circle. Lockup, Bobby to a side headlock as Cat prompts Josh to reveal he's actually BEEN IN THE RING (!) with Bobby Rude. Rude's from Canada, trained by "Val Venis" and beat Josh. Cat enjoys that; Josh says he's never won anything, as being stuck with the Cat would show. O'Haire breaks the headlock and puts on one of his own. Down to the mat. AAAAH. Headscissors reversal. O'Haire trying to get free - kip up out. Running right into a drop toe hold and Rude swats the back of the head. O'Haire takes that badly - charge, ducked, and Rude slaps him in the face. Taunt. O'Haire can't believe that just happened. Big roundhouse kick is ducked, O'Haire barely taps him with a back kick to the head and Rude throws himself out of the ring (maybe he's just taking a break while O'Haire cools down.) Cat: "That's a lot of power in that kick." O'Haire out after him, running Bobby back first into the apron. Roundhouse to the back. Wasn't that the L button? Bobby thrown back in, O'Haire coming in. Cat wants to beat up Zach Gowen. Rude with right, right, right, kick to the midsection, whip, reversed, O'Haire shoulderblocks him down, there's the soccer kick to the back. Sean working him over in the corner, and then there's the toss slam. Slide and yell for no reason, how about covering? Sure, one twoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Another kick to the back. Chinlock. Josh attempts to set Cat up to talk about martial arts but Cat won't go with him. Cat: "I don't trust you!" Josh doesn't think he's REALLY a three time world champion, oh. Rude elbowing out, but a big punch takes him down. Knees. Rude bealed by the head. Rude pulling himself in the corner while O'Haire waits and taunts. Corner whip, down goes Rude. O'Haire lays on the mat and looks at the camera because he's got nothing to do. Taking plenty of time to follow up - now he's going to charge, but at least Sean is smart enough to realize a boot must be coming and catch it. O'Haire throws down the boot, but takes a back elbow. O'Haire tries charging again, but Rude sidesteps, off the ropes, clubbing clothesline and O'Haire won't go down. Rude off the ropes, slides under, Rude 'rana. Rude yells at him to get up - kick wham DDT one twoooooooooooooooo. Rude with a right, right, off the ropes, takes a kick to the midsection. Widowmaker, one two three. (5:04)

Tonight: Nunzio vs Spanky
Next: Zach signs his contract on SmackDown!

SmackDown Live! - why is Josh doing this?
July 13 - Columbus, OH [special SD taping]
July 16 - Bangkok, Thailand [Unleashed in the East Tour]
July 17 - Yokohama, Japan [Unleashed in the East Tour]
July 18 - Yokohama, Japan [Unleashed in the East Tour, Sold Out - but the first night isn't?]
July 19 - Kobe, Japan [Unleashed in the East Tour]

They didn't actually give dates for the Asian shows (but they showed them on the calander, so I just went back and added 'em), which means Josh broke from the usual script and maybe that's why they had to do it themselves? Or they didn't want to confuse people by saying they're doing a show on Thursday in Japan when something different is on UPN? Who knows.

Zach Wins His Contract Two Weeks Ago (:33)

Zach Signs His Contract Last Thursday (6:49)

Vengeance: Sable vs Stephanie McMahon - well I guess now it's a good thing Stephanie has that wrestling gear
Vengeance: Mr. McMahon vs Zach Gowen

Backstage, it looks like the FBI are discussing who gets what money after a game of cards; wow, the APA is gonna be even more mad at them when they find out about this gimmick infringement. Nunzio is excusing himself to get ready for his match when he's stopped at the door by - well, I'm gonna go out a limb here, but I think it just might be Spanky in a bad disguise as a pizza delivery man. "Hey, Nunzio, I got a pizza for you!" "Pizza for me, we didn't order any pizza." "No, you don't understand, it's complements of my boss - Bally's [I guess] Pizza and Pub, we're all big fans of you." [Chuck mumbles with the cigar in his mouth] "Besides, I can't have any pizza, I gotta get ready for my match." Johnny: "C'mon, let me have it, let me have it." Johnny gets the pizzas, Spanky holds for a tip, Chuck must not be miced well because his "tip" is barely audible, and Nunzio pushes Pizza Man away from the FBI. Pizza Man keeps walking, taking off his fake nose, glasses, mustache and pulling out a bottle of laxatives so we all can get where this is going. Josh spells it out that much for us; I think Spanky figured out a way to make this match one on one.

JVC Benoit beats Shannon on SmackDown!

SmackDown: Chris Benoit vs Matt Hardy in a US Title Tournament Semi-Final
SmackDown: Eddie Guerrero vs Billy Gunn in a US Title Tournament Semi-Final

Announcers hype the matches and Josh says "the US title is going to be something to see".

who betta than Kanyon (Queens, NY, 242 pounds) vs Orlando Jordan (Miami, FL, 240 pounds) - Josh: "Who betta than Kanyon, Cat?" Cat: "I tell you - I don't know!" Hype for the Columbus taping; Brock, Kurt, Stephanie, Vince, and Sable are their draws. Circle. Fans actually hate the Kanyon! Gotta love Canada. Kicks by Kanyon. ARMbar. Orlando with a forward roll, backwards roll, reverses the armbar, elbow to the shoulder, forearm, fireman's carry over to a wristlock. A mechanical looking Majistral cradle (I think Josh says pronounces it odd) by Orlando one twooooooooo. Armbar, Kanyon reverses to a knee. Headlock, shot into the ropes and back with a shoulderblock. Kanyon off the ropes, over, under, into the hiptoss. Orlando with an armdrag into an armbar on the mat. Kanyon getting to his feet after a moment, pushing Orlando in the corner. Clean break? Nope, shoulder. Right. Corner whip, Kanyon charges in, Orlando kips up, oh no the K-Kwik flip for absolutely no reason, Kanyon is so appalled he runs into an armdrag into an armbar. Kanyon gets his feet on the ropes to break it up. Orlando is shielded off by Choida from getting more, because Kanyon is hanging near the ropes. Orlando finally gets his chance and is kicked in the gut. Corner whip, Kanyon charges into a back elbow. Orlando to the second rope but Kanyon catches him with a forearm. Second rope Russian legsweep! One twoooooo. They've been talking about Zach non stop from the beginning of the show at this point, or at least it feels that way. Cat thinks Zach is a troublemaker. Kanyon with a turnbuckle smash, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Kanyon with a corner whip, charge in, Orlando get sup the boot. Kanyon doesn't late that stop him from running into another boot. Orlando charges out but Kanyon catches him in a Northern Lights suplex (!) one twooooooooo. This is really going to suck when Kanyon loses. Kanyon to the second rope while holding Orlando - avalanche guillotine legdrop is now dubbed the Lethal Legdrop one twoooooo. Knee to the back, chinlock by Kanyon. Josh and Cat work on their vaudeville routines. Crowd on Kanyon again as Orlando uses a mini-Punch Flurry to get to his feet. Kanyon shot in the ropes, Orlando tries the hiptoss but Kanyon reverses into a sweet swinging neckbreaker one twoooooooo. Cat: "Did you see Kanyon grab the man's hair?" Kanyon going for the Lethal Legdrop again, but Orlando blocks it - turning powerbomb! Both men are down. Cat and Josh argue if being a WWE wrestler automatically makes you a Superstar, Zach Gowen as the test case. Choida's count is up to eight but Kanyon is up. Orlando up in the corner, but aware enough to punch Kanyon when he comes close. WHip, reversed, Orlando ducks the clothesline and Orlando hits the jumping forearm. Dropkick. Dropkick. Dance. Dropkick. A wide variety of moves here by Orlando. Kanyon manages a kick, but a punch is ducked, and there's the Punch Flurry. One twoooooooo. The Punch Flurry + Dancing is "the Johnson shuffle", which sounds dirty but is dedicated to Rocky Johnson. Whip, quick reverse into a Kanyon with a Russian Legsweep. Kanyon ready for him - Flatliner? Taking too long, Orlando turns out, reverses into the "inverted neckbreaker" (it's still Danny Doring's old finish) one two three. (7:13) Hey, it did suck, how about that.

Still to Come: Brock in a 3 on 1 handicap match

Subway WM Flashback - Andre chokes out Bob Uecker at WM IV, 1988.

SmackDown #1 Announcer Funaki (Japan, 208 pounds) vs A-Train (Boston, MA, 350 pounds) - A-Train is still in his chair throwing mood. As usual, Josh and Cat flee the table - but Cat pushes Josh in A-Train's path like a sacrifice, and tells him to get Josh! Josh is off and running and just barely ahead of A-Train. A-Train gets bored with running after him and heads in the ring. Cat: "Josh, get back out there and fight him right now!" Josh begs off from behind the desk. He loses his headset somewhere along the lines and they have to plug in things before. Circle, Funaki ducks the lockup and gets the forearm in the back. A-Train not pleased. Funaki off the ropes, A-Train with a big boot, Funaki ducks and bows. A-Train is chasing Funaki around. Funaki out, A-Train out, Funaki in, Funaki with a dropkick to A-Train as he comes in. There's the pescado, and Funaki pounds on A-Train on the floor but he's getting up regardless. Funaki in the ring to celebrate but A-Train is back in after him. Funaki off the rope ropes, ducks the clothesline, ducks the back elbow, shoulderblock by A-Train. Slam. Josh has word that the FBI aren't feeling good after the pizza. Cat: "What's stopping them, they smell like that anyway!" A-Train going for a powerbomb? Slowed by the usual chant. Funaki blocks the powerbomb with a punches, A-Train slips behind for the sunset flip, A-Train not going, Funaki dodges the punch, dropkick to the knee. There's the bulldog, dropkick to the face one twooooooooo big kickout. Kick, WOW crossbody is caught. Cat sings because it's over - Train Wreck one two three (1:23) Cat: "Woo woo!" A-Train's coming back to the desk. Cat tells Josh to stay and fight. Josh backs off. A-Train just stares. Cat: "I told him not to say that, A-Train!" Cat tells Josh that he needs to start fighting back. Cat: "Weren't you on Tough Enough? Oh you lost"

Tonight: Nunzio vs Spanky
Next: Brock in a 3 on 1 handicap match

Kurt, Brock and the handicap match of Thursday (6:03)

Vengeance: Brock Lesnar (c) vs Big Show vs Kurt Angle in a Triple Threat Match for the WWE Championship
Vengeance: US Title Tournament Final - they have brackets.
Vengeance: Billy Kidman and Rey Mysterio vs "The World's Greatest Tag Team" for the WWE Tag Team Titles
Vengeance: Undertaker vs John Cena (Old School vs New School)
Vengeance: Sable vs Stephanie McMahon
Vengeance: Mr. McMahon vs Zach Gowen
Vengeance: Price to Play by Staind

Snickers Pizza Delivery of A Few Minutes Ago

Nunzio (200 pounds) vs Spanky (Olympia, WA, 181 pounds) - Nunzio's weight sure moves around a lot. No sleep till...something or other. Josh thinks Nunzio is mad because of what Spanky did but Cat points out that weren't sure he even knows it was him. Wrestlers are kinda dumb. Circle. Spanky slaps his won chest. Charge of a lockup, waistlock by Spanky, reversed by Nunzio into a side headlock, Spanky with forearms, shot into the ropes, back with a shoulderblock. Nunzio off the ropes, over, no, Spanky with a single leg as he goes over, floatover into a front facelock, into a headlock. Nunzio tries to run Spanky into the corner but Spanky runs up the ropes and turns for a a big headlock takeover. Nunzio with a quick headscissors and break. Circle. Nunzio wants a test of strength. Bicep pose. Okay, Spanky will do it. Nunzio is surprised by the strength, but breaks one wristlock to slap Spanky in the face. Spanky back in tot the corner, kicks, corner whip, Spanky kips up and out, Nunzio turns around into a slap. Spanky with forearm,s corner whip, reversed, Spanky with a kip into a 'rana. Josh hopes Tazz is NOT watching Velocity, for Josh will be in trouble for wearing orange and black kick pads and boots. Nunzio up but misses the right head, Spanky with the jumping side salto kick one twooooo. Nunzio crawls to the corner but Spanky meets him with forearms. Corner whip, SPanky pumps up and charges, Nunzio backdrops, SPanky lands on the apron and forearms Nunzio, climbing up, Nunzio back over and pulling his leg off the top rope to drop Spanky hard in the ring, Nunzio covers one twoooo no. Nunzio is hopping, stomp, knee in the back, chinlock back. Josh tries to point out the non-FBI presence and Cat says the FBI doesn't need all of them to beat Spanky. Spanky with elbows and forearms to escape the chinlock. Corner whip, reversed, Nunzio charge into a boot, Spanky out and hits a forearm. Spanky yelling Nunzio to get back up. Fired up clothesline. Spanky waiting again - charging clothesline is sidestepped and Nunzio gives Spanky the drop toe hold (Josh: "Step Over Toe Hold") into the middle buckle. Nunzio to the second rope - snap dropkick right to the face, that looked brutal. Jacknife (Josh: "Jackhammer") one twooooooooo. Nunzio's outside foot was well under the ropes but I guess it doesn't mater now. SPanky gets his head pounded into the mat. Nunzio picks Spanky up, whip, reversed, SPanky breaks it, clothesline is ducked, Nunzio with a back suplex, Spanky lands on his feet and tires a back suplex, Nunzio lands on his feet and throws Spanky down by the hair. Cover but Hebner won't cover because it's a hair pull. Nunzio and Brain argue for a bit, but nothing comes for it. Cat: "That referee is a playa hater, man". Nunzio with a stomp. Chinlock. Front facelock, and SPanky runs Nunzio in the corner. Forearms by Spanky, Nunzio forearms him down, Spanky back up with more forearms. Whip, reversed, and Nunzio throws him out, but Spanky pulls himself in. Nunzio waits for him - clothesline misses, Spanky jab jab jab, whip, reversed, jumping forearm. One twoooooooooooooo. Nunzio crawling to the corner, Spanky catches him, corner whip, reversed, Spanky climbs the corner and just barely hits the moonsault bodyblock (Nunzio almost too far away) one twooooooo. Climbing enziguri, deep double leg pin one twoooooooooooo. Sliced Bread #2 is blocked on the landing, Nunzio reverses to the Arrivederci one two three. (5:57) So even with the wacky angle, Spanky couldn't win. Let's replay that finish a couple times.

SmackDown! - Semis in Columbus. Confidential is now.