I figured, if they end up pre-empting Velocity for this hour anyway, I'm done a day early. GO ME. Of course, the Velocity preview says they'll just be video packaging this hour, so...well, whatever.
Let me make it clear I hate recapping stuff as it plays on my computer. I need Frontpage to be full screen when I'm using 1/10th off it, and I need to be looking back and forth between screens. Really though, having to tab over to pause, then click back on to my editor to pick up typing sucks when you're on a laptop. I guess I could make this work if I had a mouse and a keyboard separate but it's annoying as this paragraph with a laptop.
SmackDown General Manager Theodore R. Long welcomes us to "this special debut of Friday Night SmackDown! Now the first hour will be broadcast exclusively on WWE.com [I'm pretty sure he said 'except in Canada and Australia and a dozen other countries' really quietly here] right here tonight, while the second hour air exclusively at nine pm/eight pm central on U P N!" Teddy talks up our lineup as we see the graphics
SmackDown!: Chris Benoit vs Orlando Jordan [US]
SmackDown!: Eddie Guerrero vs Rey Mysterio [CAGE]
SmackDown!: Batista vs JBL [Bull Rope, WORLD]
Not exactly making it's clear what's on which hour - but the familiar music in the background starting as Long finishes clues us in on the opener.
M & N (w/M, Los Angeles, CA, 440 pounds, challengers) vs Legion of Doom 2005 (Animal and Heidenreich, 540 pounds, champions) for the WWE Tag Team Championships - Cole wastes no time saying hi to all his many friends on the internet. No Jillian? She's in the video. Announcers go crazy about this being Melina's first entrance on WWE.com - I guess they're not big Byte This fans. Melina's "Most Dominant Diva Melina" shirts are surely flying off the racks. (ahahaha walked into that) LOD2K5 gets an abnormal amount of fireworks for an act nowadays. I just reached for my TiVo to rewind, and that's not so good. Tazz and Cole agree that Heidenreich is a perfectly legit member of LOD and Hawk's likely to come back from the dead to give his stamp of approval, because he's just that impressed with the man. Your ref is Jim. Announcers are begging you not to forget that this show is also going to be on UPN. Lots of stalling before we even get to the bell. Heidenreich and his ugly butterfly makeup rush Joey and Johnny at the bell, and we're off. Corner whip for Nitro - no, back to the same corner, and a rebound clothesline. Nitro trying to crawl to the ropes, but Heidenreich has him there. Whip, and Nitro flips crazily over on a backdrop. He's grabbing his knee, probably because he landed on the stupid thing. For a scary monster, Heidenreich seems okay with letting Nitro make the tag, but Joey's backing away! Neither Nitro nor Melina like this, but Joey doesn't feel like dying quite yet. Before we get a resolution, Heidenreich drags Nitro back to the LOD corner and tags in Animal. Punches to the midsection. Animal thrown out. Nitro run back first into the apron. Is teaming with Heidenreich a step up or a step down from being in the Magnificent Seven? Chest slap. Back inside. Whip, big boot. Tomko was not impressed. Animal is fat and pounding on Nitro. Joey in to break it up, but gets his partner with the elbow drop. Animal with a right hand to knock him out of the way. Tag to Heidenreich. Double back elbow. Kick to the spine. Nitro finally gets in a kick! And a punch! And a tag. Smart man. Double whip, double head down too soon, double faceslam by Heidenreich. Cole tells us to look at Melina, and that's not hard to do - she's up on the apron. With Koredras distracted, Joey stays in and forearms Heidenreich in the back as he attacks Nitro. It doesn't do much more than let Nitro get away. MNM need better evil plays. Beating up Joey. Tag to Animal. Turnbuckle smash. Corner whip, down goes Mercury. Armsmash into the post. Tag to Heidenreich. Second rope axhandle to the armbar. Incredible fake LOD chant now going on. Heidenreich with a while, head down too soon, Mercury kicks him in the chest, off the ropes, into a Heidenreich big boot. Heidenreich brings Nitro in, and now Melina's on the apron. Heidenreich going after her with - vicious pointing because she drops to the floor. Nitro takes advantage with the running neck snap over the top rope, and maybe finally MNM will get some sustained offense in, 3:30 into this match. Joey stomps. Kneedrop. Heidenreich recovering thru this. Joey pounding him. Jawbreaker, dropkick! Kiss from Melina! One two NO. Perhaps the order was wrong there. Tag to Nitro. Nitro gives Heidenreich a running knee. Mounted punches. Nitro being annoying to Animal. Back to stomping Heidenreich. Can he get a pin off stomps? One two NO. Shocking. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Heidenreich run into the MNM corner. Tag, both kick Heidenreich. Mercury with a nice punch. One two NO. Front facelock. Heidenreich has no idea on how to slow recovering from a rest hold to get the crowd to support you; he goes from on the mat to upright in a two seconds. He doesn't get far, being backed into the corner by Joey. Tag to Nitro. Kicks and punches by both. Boot choke. Nitro working the five count. Crossface blows don't look good. Kicks and forearms. Standing chinlock, and tag to Heidenreich. Right hand. Mercury jumping knee. One two no. This is a bad idea for a matchup. Mercury has a front facelock, but Heidenreich is standing back up. Trying to move it close enough to make the tag. I'm looking forward to the tag. Heidenreich lifting Joey almost there, but Joey stops Heidenreich with a knee and knocks Animal off the apron with a right hand. Joey works over Heidenreich with yet more punches and kicks. Going up to the middle rope; Heidenreich's out of it but still in it enough to toss Joey off the top rope before dropping. Now will he make that tag? Almost - go tit. Animal with a running shoulderblock for Joey, shoves Nitro down by the back of his head, and Joey feeds himself into a back suplex. Corner whip for Joey, Nitro whipped into the other corner. corner clothesline, Heidenreich clotheslines him out. Animal finally gets back to Joey, and walks into a boot. Joey to the middle rope, plancha caught, Animal rams him into one corner, holds on, goes for another corner but apparently goes blind and doesn't see Korderas standing there. Jimmy gets squashed (and pretty much on purpose) before Animal drops Joey. Animal can't believe the guy he rammed is down, but recovers quick enough to stop Melina before she hits him with a tag belt. He gets the belt, she begs off, we tease it forever, and Animal hits the onrushing Joey instead. Animal covers as Heidenreich keeps Nitro out - one two three. (8:55) So now what? MNM try to pull it together in the aisle but Melina can't believe they lost again. Replays confirm they did. There's the champs, they still have the belt. We have time to kill or something? oh, probably
Randy Orton and Bob Orton and some other guy video package. Actually,
apparently they thought the interview from last week was so exciting, they could
show it again set to clips. I guess this is supposed to a PPV build, but it's
not exactly a PPV event. (1:49)
Tonight: Well, at least that's a nice giant check.
We just get WWE commercials for breaks, as you probably already know. We got the Shopzone one in addition here.
Mr. Kennedy (Green Bay, Wisconsin, 241 pounds) vs Paul London (Austin, TX, 200 pounds) - no, he's still not happy with Chimel. How about that music? How about it. Here we go. How long is that time limit, Ken? "There are two things in your life that you absolutely suck at! One, is announcing. The other one, is announcing! Get out! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, this next contest is settled for ONE fall with a twenty minute time, limit! I weigh in tonight at an amazing 243 pounds. I hail from the Green Bay Wisconsin! [pause for boos - no one in ATL cares] MISTERRRRRRRRRRRRR KENNEDY! KENNEDY!" Chimel does Paul's intro. Sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide. In the magical world of SmackDown!, London hasn't been a heel for the last month, I do believe. Announcers don't mention anything might be up with Paul, which is just the kinda thing that makes me homicidal. Right at it off it the bat, with London getting a hammerlock, and then Ken's elbow in his face. Kick. Kick. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Poundong on London's back. Your ref is Brian, by the way. Corner whip, chest first, and down goes London. London dragged out in the middle one two no. London trying to fight his way up, but gets kicked hard in the head. Stomps. One two no. Slam. Going up? Middle rope. Taking his time. Jumping nothing, London puts up a boot, Kennedy catches it (so being a moron was all a plan!), blocks it, and drops an elbow. Awful lot of trouble for an elbow drop. One two no. Various face yanking. London might as well be a local guy for as much as they're talking about him. He's swinging blind at the moment. Kennedy with a punch in the midsection. Waistlock - now around into a side bearhug. London trying to forearm his way out of it, but Kennedy is low to let go. London with kicks to both sides, but Kennedy stops him with a forearm to the back. Whip, backdrop, London mostly almost lands on his feet, Dropsault, not that Cole can remember the name. Kennedy tries a running kick, but London evades and lands a wheel kick. Whip, reverse, but London breaks it and lands a spinning enziguri! I guess if he can't fly, he's gonna be Tajiri. London up but hurting. Corner charge forearm, Kennedy backdrops him, London lands on the apron. Kennedy throws back elbows and fists but London ducks them all and kicks him in the side. Going up (no!) - Kennedy knows we can't be having that and stops him with punches. Ah, we've set up London for the crash. Second Rope Finlay slam. One two three. (3:31) No one says London was screwed again. Wait, Ken needs the mic. "And the winner of the match, once again, MISTERRRRRRRRR KENNEDY! KENNEDY!" From a sky box (or really bad seats), TRL and PC seem impressed with Kennedy. Replay of the finish. Tazz tries "Michael COOOOOOOOOOOOOLE!" but it just doesn't work.
UPN: Eddie Guerrero vs Rey Mysterio [CAGE]
UPN: Batista vs JBL [Bull Rope, WORLD]
Undertaker DVD ad. Time codes say we're 27 minutes into this show and less than half over, so I don't think they made up for the ads.
Tag Tag of the Night: Scotty gets killed by Burchill. Wow, Velocity highlights, how odd.
Scotty 2 Hotty (Westbrook, ME, 208 pounds) vs Paul Burchill (England, 264 pounds, w/William Regal) - so Scotty's going for revenge. Yes, right. Cole says Regal and Paul tore Funaki's bicep in the tag match last week; that's just how strong that armbar is. What, they don't have cities in England anymore? Your ref is Charles. Is Regal going to join the announcers? Sure, why not. I can't believe he shook hands with Cole. You want that on you? Hey, it's open mic night, Burchill's going to talk too. "Let me introduce myself. My name is Paul Burchill and I'm the most dangerous import since that man [points to Regal] William Regal came to this disgusting country. [pause for USA chants] When he asked me to come to the WWE to watch his back, he promised me people to maim and hurt! So far, I have not been disappointed! When I was in England, I used to hurt people for my own pleasure. [what-ing] Now I'm doing it for money, and believe me, I'm enjoying my job. Last week, you [Scotty], you found out exactly what Paul Birchill is about. [Brit Slang] You had the brains to tap out before I broke your arm. Tonight, I'm gonna finish the job." That accent will get him far. Scotty attacks Paul as he carefully hands back the microphone. Punches in bunches! Turnbuckle smash. Chops, and chest slaps. Regal explains this is all the Mexicools fault - their attack on him made him realize he needed someone to back him up. Big right and by Scotty. Whip, backdrop. Regal says he's had his eye on Birchill for a long time. He's a hooligan (though sadly not actually Hooligan) but he's not dumb - he was a school teacher. Those types sure are popping up lately. Paul takes control by snapping Scotty's left arm over the top rope, and that's blood in the water. Paul cranks the arm around. Lifting him up and roping him by the arm. Stretching it around the top rope. Chopping the arm. Northern Lights Suplex without a bridge; better to land the pressure on the arm. Regal says Birchill taught anatomy - that's how he knows how to tear a man apart. Knee to the shoulder joint. Armbar. Yanking on the chin to put more pressure. Scotty punching his way free. Off the ropes, sunset flip, one two no. Regal is unhelpful in explaining slang. Paul with a hsot to the face, but Scotty back with a punch. Paul with a chop, Scotty with a right. Scotty ducks Paul's next strike, and lands the superkick. One two NO. Scotty sensing it. This is a bad idea, Scotty. Off the ropes, Burchill ducks, and punches him in the gut. Regal is still sensitive about the Worm. Paul scoops Scotty up, Scotty slips behind, rushes Burchill into the corner, and grabs a waistlock rollup one two kicked off into the corner post, bad shoulder first. That's about it. Paul pulls Scotty out of the corner, pulls him to the middle of the ring, and runs him into the post shoulder first again. Let's do it again. I think you can put on the armbar now. Scotty pulled out, and is dead weight. Birchill picking Scotty out - shoulderbreaker, fujiwara armbar. (3:36) Regal calls the move, bless him.
I imagine the conversation went like this:
Paul: Look at all the crazy moves I can do! No one's seen some of this stuff!
William: You know, if you just learn how to properly attack someone's left arm,
you don't need to constantly do all this stuff that could cripple you and your
opponent and surely will take years off your career.
Paul: Hmmm. You may have a point there, chap.
Nunzio: Hey! You stole my point of attack!
We've got time for replays of shoulder work. They sure have a lot of extra time here.
UPN: Chris Benoit vs Orlando Jordan [US]
Backstage, Sharmell's coffee run is interrupted by Mr. Kennedy.
She's not pleased not see him.
"Sharmell, I don't think we've been properly introduced. Ken Kennedy [puts
hand out to shake - Sharmell doesn't seem interested, how rude], the guy who
SINGLE HANDLED YOUR HUSBAND LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN!"
"Oh, I don't have to listen to this." She's leaving.
"hey hey, this is about your husband!" She's coming back.
"What about my husband?"
"Look, I know that you want your husband to be as successful as possible,
am I right? Like, you could envision seeing the United States championship
around his waist? Am I right?" [Ken sure has a glass ceiling on Booker.]
"Okay, let me ask you this - how many times has Chris Benoit defended that
United States championship against your husband Booker T? Hmm, how many times?
Aren't Chris Benoit and Booker T supposed to be such good friends? I mean, I
know that friends don't let friends drive drunk and all, but I do think that
FRIENDS SHOULD GIVE FRIENDS TITLE SHOTS! I just find that to be a little bit
curious, don't you?"
"Well I don't think it's any-
"It was nice to meet you. Again, that name is KEN KENNEDY!" exit stage
right
Sharmell looks confused.
"KENNEDY!"
Up next, our main event: a big old check. They forget to sign it! Morons.
RAW ad here, hyping Cena vs Angle & Tomko. Handicap match, real innovative.
Undertaker's music plays - but I'm thinking no. A figure does walk to the entrance, wearing the hat and the robe, but we can't get a good look at him. Well, I guess I got this one wrong - that really is the Undertaker. I figured it was Bob or Randy in the outfit. I'm really missing the 30 second skip. Announcers recap entire saga, because we've got some time here. "Orton. At SummerSlam, you and your father had your fun at my expense. Now you can hide behind all the rubber masks that you like, but you can't hide from the Dead Man. And soon, you will find out what Death and the Undertaker have in common: We wait for no man. Randy Orton, you're time, has come." [looking at the entrance, as if expecting - ah, there we go.] Randy Orton and Cowboy Bob Orton are out on the stage, but not coming to the ring and Undertaker. They don't have the big check here, how disappointing. Randy has the mic, which is equally disappointing. "Undertaker, I got to be honest with you. Myself, and my father here, we are surprised to see that you had the guts to come here tonight! After I killed your legend at SummerSlam, we figured you'd crawl back to Death Valley and never show your face again. [why death valley?] But, [YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK] I am a man of my word, my father raised me to do so. And seeing as you're here today, I'll do as I say. I have a gift to present to you Undertaker. If I could get some help from the back, please, bring out the Undertaker's gift, right now." There's the check, mounted on a easel and still unsigned. How's he gonna cash that? "Now everyone knows, everybody knows my father and I signed a copy of the new Undertaker WWE DVD, put it up for auction on WWE.com, where we raised funds for Undertaker's retirement. I matched dollar for dollar that amount. Here, we have this check - father, if you would please. [Bob hands over a marker - ahhh]. Let's make it official." Orton makes a big deal of signing the check - as RKO. "Undertaker, let me present to you in the amount of $1,416! If you want it, come get it!" I don't think he really needs the money. Not to get his music to play and the video boards to go creepy. Ah, it's lighting time again, and this time it's struck the check. Guess you can't cash if it's on fire. Does that mean Randy gets to keep the money? Orton's decide that's a bit too much for them and leave, so we're left with the announcers losing their minds and a flaming check. Undertaker leaves, and so do our announcers.
Friday Night SmackDown starts in about 12 minutes
SmackDown!: Chris Benoit vs Orlando Jordan [US]
SmackDown!: Eddie Guerrero vs Rey Mysterio [CAGE]
SmackDown!: Batista vs JBL [Bull Rope, WORLD]
Show runs 47:48; 12 minutes of commercials seems a bit on the low side, doesn't it?
That's it.