corp open. show open.

Hey, it's a ring!

Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch (532 pounds) vs The Highlanders (Oben, Scotland, 34 stone) - Your announcers are Coach and Todd, this is Heat #440, and this is the only edition with matches this month. Coach: "Is this going to be one week only?" Why are you asking Todd, you're the executive assistant! Lillian's ring announcing this week, so Cade gets to practice throwing his vest at her. Those paying too much attention may note the last time we had a match on this show, it was this exact match. Same finish? Murdoch and Cade jump the Highlanders. One thrown out, one takes a backdrop. Coach tells us that the not-cowboys are unhappy about basically being stuck on this show, for the millionth time. Murdoch misses a clothesline, Rory headbutts him from the outside, and Robbie dropkicks him. Dropkick for Cade as well, and Rory comes off the top with a missile dropkick for Cade. Robbie with a back suplex, one two no. Whip, reversed, Murdoch misses a back elbow, and Cade works in a knee to the back. Rory distracts the referee a bit soon, and Robby takes the inverted atomic drop/big boot combo. Murdoch opts to pose instead of pin, and tags Cade in. Robby thrown back first into the corner. Was that a brief Robby chant? Forearm to the back. 2 minutes in, and Todd can't believe what a great match this is. He misses having matches, I think. Cade and Murdoch taking turns holding Robby and hitting him. Murdoch ends up being tagged in to work him over for longer, as well as to annoy Rory into drawing the ref over again so Cade can choke from the outside. Tag to Cade, slam, and Cade lifts up his partner, then drops him for a big legdrop. That's new. Chinlock by Cade. Rory going crazy to rally his partner, and Robby starts coming back. Elbows, punches, and a Cade knee stops that. Corner whip, Cade's right hand is blocked, Robby has a punch for him, punch for Murdoch, Cade, Murdoch, Cade, Cade, Cade kills him  with a clothesline. Tag to Murdoch to cover one two no. Scoop, slam, and Murdoch's going up. Second rope kneedrop actually connects. Murdoch must be feeling pretty good about himself, because he's posing and going for another - this time, Robby gets his boot up (and Trevor wasn't actually trying to hit a move, though it was more believable than usual.) Crawling - tag to Cade, tag to Rory. Scottish Hammer to Cade, Scottish Hammer to Murdoch, dropkick for Cade, dropkick for Murdoch. Rory lost for a second. Whip, reversed, Rory back with a spinning back elbow. Backdrop for Murdoch. Rory too fired up and not fighting enough - shoulder to the midsection for Cade, for Murdoch, back to Cade and Cade gets up a back elbow this time. Cade looking shaky, but they're calling for the Sour and Sour - wait, they forget about Robby, who yanks out Murdoch. Cade's clothesline is ducked, Rory gets a rebound waistlock rollup, one two three. (5:13) Hey, revenge. Cade wants a more immediate form, but Rory and Robby get out of the ring - not to the same place, but if they win more, they'll work on it. 

Survivor Series: elimination matches, world title match, first blood match.

Shelton Benjamin (Orangeburg, SC, 248 pounds) vs Super Crazy (Tulancingo, Hidalgo, Mexico, 200 pounds) - Coach notes that Shelton never got his stuff back from Cryme Tyme. Holy carp, Lillian actually said Super Crazy's hometown! YAY. This should be quite fun. Shelton takes time to call the timekeeper a moron and idiot before telling him to hold his extra gear - I don't know if that's the way to go. Circle. Lockup, Shelton shoves him down. Circle. Lockup, Shelton takes him down, Shelton awkward pulls him back up, and then lifts him up high in the air with a double leg. Shelton backdrops him from there. Shelton tries to get in a cheap stomp, but Crazy moves out of the way. Lockup, Shelton with a knee, forearms to the back. Powerbomb? No, Crazy punching and 'rana-ing out of it. Wheel kick connects, one two NO. Coach compares Shelton Benjamin to Randy Moss, which is a great comparison. (Would that make Kurt Angle into Cris Carter? Charlie Haas as Jason Williams? Hmm.) Crazy with a whip, reversed, Shelton feeds his arm for Crazy to grab, Crazy goes for a standing crucifix rollup, Shelton escapes and gives him a pulling backbreaker. Shelton takes a moment to recover, then follow sup with a stomp and punches. Crazy thrown back first into the corner and again. Boot choke. Todd thinks Shelton is taking it early here. Snap mare, chinlock, no, switch to an armlock. Crazy waving frantically, and the crowd coming back with him, but then he fades back down. Shelton gets in a few shots to the side, and Crazy starts waving again. Crowd doesn't get into it as quick this time. Crazy finally escapes with a hiptoss. Both men slow up, Shelton walks over to Crazy, but Crazy strikes first with punches. They do see a little off. Whip, reversed, Shelton misses, a clothesline, Crazy connects on a springboard dropkick. Crazy with another dropkick, which only half hit. Shelton slowly rolls out to the apron, and Crazy knocks him out of the ring with another springboard dropkick. Some boos? Huh. Crazy out to the steps, and he dropkicks Shelton down again. Crazy throws Shelton back in under the bottom rope, but he's headed to the ropes - springboard moonsault one two NO. Corner punches? Uno dos tres cuatro cinco seis (crowd does not actually count this way) - Shelton shoves him off, because no one can get to ten. Shelton goes for the T-Bone, Crazy elbows his way free. Crazy shoves Shelton off, Shelton off the ropes, Crazy to the ropes after a delay, Shelton stops, Crazy duck a clothesline, sets himself at the far ropes, springboard - oh, that was screwed up. I think he was supposed to turn and jump into position for the T-Bone, but he got no bounce and just fell backwards a few steps. Crowd boos, as Shelton turns Crazy round, knees to the midsection, T-Bone, it's over. Wait, it's not over, Shelton's wandering around for no perceivable reason. Now he's picking up Shelton. Another T-Bone? Yea. One two three. (5:54) Maybe he thought the first one didn't look good enough? This was all odd. 

WWE Magazine

Charlie Haas (Dallas, TX, 249 pounds) vs Fred Sampson (Baltimore, Maryland, 200 pounds, already in the ring) - Todd actually talked to the local! He must've been really excited to have matches. Fred is 23, and this is his first WWE match. Fred gets the crowd clapping. He's a bit too excited. Lockup, and Fred gets him with a waistlock takedown. Charlie Haas can't quite believe he did that. He's taking off the bandana. Lockup, Charlie with an armdrags, TWO POINTS. Lockup, Charlie with a headlock, Fred with elbows, Charlie knocks him down hard with a shoulderblock. Haas off the ropes, Fred stays on the mat, and Charlie rolls him across the mat with a front facelock. TWO! Announcers are clueless about why Haas is saying two. Coach: "I can't figure out what's going on here." Lockup, Haas with a hammerlock, Fred with a reversal into a headlock. Shot off, Charlie with a hiptoss, Fred blocks it, Fred with a hiptoss, Charlie blocks it, Charlie with a fireman's carry. Shove for good measure. Haas teases walking away from Fred, turns around quick for a big boot, Fred ducks under, inside cradle, one two no. Haas misses a wild clothesline, Fred nails him with a punch. Now it's Fred saying TWO. Fred's all fired up, and Charlie's just taking a break in the corner. Fred gets too close, and gets an eye poke. Side belly suplex. Stomps. Knee scrap to the face, and twice. Face yank. Stomp. Kick. Big right hand. Coach, on a great rant: "They don't care about Real Madrid! They don't care about Manchester United! They don't care about Barcelona!" It actually makes sense in context, which is even weirder. Haas with some knees to eh back. He picks up Fred, only for Fred to get him with big punches. Whip, right misses, Haas works him over with a knees, and gives him a big butterfly suplex one two no. Spine kick. Scoop, slam. Off the ropes, jumping knee drop connects (let's pretend.) One two no. Chinlock with knee to the back. Fred battling out with punches, and a back suplex event it out. Haas' punch is blocked, Fred's punch is not. Fred runs wild with clotheslines, as dictated in the standard face comeback. And now that's over - Haas reverse a corner whip, and gives Fred a tough German suplex as he rebounds out of the corner. Haas waiting for his pot - big boot connects this time. Haas is fired up - but fired up evilly! OH YEA, it's the Haas of Pain! (5:20) Who had Fred Sampson/Charlie Haas easily beating Super Crazy/Shelton Benjamin? Smarter people than I. If Fred Sampson didn't just like like an ordinary dude, he'd be getting a job of this one - hey, he still might.

WWE Mobile

Rob Conway (Atlantic City, NJ, 230 pounds) vs Hacksaw Jim Duggan (Glen Falls, NY, 270 pounds, with his 2x4 and the American Flag) - the crowd is so dead for Rob's entrance. Why isn't Lillian talking? God bless, Conway's still singing his music, more than ever. Todd apologizes for the ring girl guy. I never get tired of this match. 

Coach: "When's the last time Hacksaw Jim Duggan was in the main event of Heat?"
Todd: "I'm not 100% sure that's correct information, but it is, nice job on your homework."
Coach: "Are you questioning my preparation?" 

Well, sure. Was something clipped there? Todd's response is so confusing. The answer is 'never', by the way.

Todd presses Coach for a reason he's letting Lita retire - Coach says if they want to go, it doesn't make sense to keep them around. Your ref is Mike. USA chant, check. GO BACK TO ATLANTIC CITY, CONWAY. Lockup, forearms, and right hands by Conway. Whip, reversed, clothesline connects. Clothesline, clothesline, Conway's had just enough of this. Announcers are reminding us that Conway is losing forever. Duggan is doing Duggan things. He's offering Conway a free punch - wait, no, he blocks it. What a cheat. Left hands by Conway, and a windup right. Conway out again, this time by the devastating force of that punch. Crowd chanting USA again. Conway getting actually counted out now, so he sneaks it - well, not as much sneaks, since Hacksaw forearm as he comes in. Whip, Hacksaw puts his head down too soon, and Conway kicks it. Conway's a little slow to realize he's actually got control. Choke on the ropes. Right hands eventually drop Duggan. One no. Punches to the head. Whip, back elbow. Conway mocks the USA chant. Elbow drop, one two NO. Chinlock. Duggan goes for the illegal hairpull to get free, but Conway escapes and takes it alllll the way down to the mat. One arm drop. Two arm drop. Three arm drop - NO! Good, Duggan needs to get off the mat because it makes his waistlock look not so good. Duggan elbows out, right hands. Off the ropes, kneelift by Conway stops that. Conway is limping - did he hurt himself there? Mounted punches. Conway's hair looks to be reacting badly to the constant color changing. Conway yells for no particular reason - maybe there was and I was just staring at his hair. Conway connects on punches, while Duggan misses. Kick, back elbow. Conway corners himself, and Duggan works him over with shoulders., but Conway manages to stop him with an eye rake. Corner whip, Duggan charges, Conway moves, and Duggan this the corner. Cover one two no. One two NO. This time I know he's yelling because he's frustrated. Chinlock with a knee back. Duggan drawing from the USA chant. Elbows, but Conway stops him with a forearm. Turnbuckle smash - but that has no effect. Second one is an even worse idea. Duggan with an elbow, and a turnbuckle smash. Duggan with ten punches, which do work if you wrestled before 1990. Thumbs up - and Conway clotheslines him. Conway up to the middle rope. Thumbs up! Elbow drop, no one's home. Duggan calling for it - three point stance clothesline, One two three. (6:08) Todd: "He's still got it!" Let's not get crazy here Todd. 2x4 catching while they hard sell the PPV one more time - and that's it.

That's it.