God works in mysterious ways: this is Heat #420. 

Okay, it's off week Heat, and they're running the Diva Search. I've going to recap it, because it's easy and I don't have to pay attention, but I think I'll fill my minimum word requirement, I'm going to blab a bunch up here. If you really need to know how long the second Diva Search segment went and don't want anything else, keep on scrolling. 

headbutt heard round the world: That's not quite the thing I'd expect to see from the retiring legend late in overtime, but it was sure worth seeing. What a way to go. I enjoyed the soccer this time out - see you again in four years!

Your $0.10 Psyche review: There's some good ideas here, and some laugh out lines - but they were far funnier reading them than hearing them delivered. The lead's playing the role as completely self involved jerk who's completely oblivious to the fact. I can get behind a self involved person with no regard for other people - that's pretty much a sketch of House - but the oblivious of a man who's supposed to notice and remember everything doesn't mesh. If they're trying for "self involved but thinks it's humorous", then he actually needs to a bit funnier, and sidekick Gus needs to actually find him funny at some point. Gus didn't work either; we're supposed to believe he goes along with the lead's wacky plans because he ends up having fun, but at no time did fun actually occur - he was just showing us his put upon facial expression for 90 minutes. (Maybe he's been on the celebrity poker tour too long!)

The characters aren't all questionable - the interim police chief who's pretty sure these two jokers are really jokers but goes along with it because they're getting the job done is great and great in her role (though the other police characters have as much depth as a chalk outline) - and, like I said, the writing was good (at least for this episode). Thing is, these USA original detective shows seem to be built more around the wacky lead character than the mysteries themselves (either they give to start and the challenge is getting there, or you can figure it out yourself 20 minutes in and the challenge isn't there), and I'm not sure I want to watch the weekly adventures of Obnoxious Jerk and his Doubting Angry friend. I'll surely give it one more show, though, because there ain't anything good to watch on TV.

sure to be ironic: The Highlander's finisher is the Dick's finisher.

thing I should've pointed out four weeks ago: The current WWE system has not proven much ability to write episodic television when they're not in a four week build to a PPV. It goes back at least as far as when they started doing split brand PPVs, and can be seen recently on RAW (a million variations of Spirit Squad vs DX because they have nothing to do) and SmackDown! (Booker T losing to Lashley 3 of 4 weeks because they have nothing to do). As far as you and I know, ECW only has two PPVs and the next one isn't for quite some time. How are they going to work this? The RVD suspension actually helps them by giving them milestones to work off; they're building to his return, and then they're building to his return match with Big Show. For everything else (which admitting isn't much), they haven't shown any hint of a next page to Knox/Kelly story or Sandman's bit - they're in a holding pattern, because that's what they do when they have nothing they need to sell. The last thing the world needs is more PPVs, but perhaps the writing crew needs to start tricking itself into believing every fourth week of TV is a PPV, just to keep them focused?

thinking too logically: You've got an extra hour of matches at a TV taping so people feel like they're getting a full show, and you've got a missing hour of internet TV because you're doing a double taping; sure, you may have to do normal off week clip show Heat internationally for content reasons, but why not show it on the 'net instead of...this?

segment 1

corp open, shown open. 

Todd welcomes us to a Special Edition of Heat. In the way that crap is special. In case the place you go on the internet for Hot Chicks is the Heat webcast. 

exciting Hot Dog contest. Todd gets to say "wiener". The point of the contest appears to be "who looks better in a bikini top", though none of the women seem to get it. Todd and Lawler make the same joke, that's great. The only two people I remember are Krystal and Ashley, and that's because they're still around, you know. And Krystal looks quite different. I never watches this at normal speed, and I'm so glad they had to have over time to preserve the integrity of the competition. (2:39) This quite sucked. Why pick it to reshow?

Saturday Night Main Event ad

Todd asks dumb rhetorical questions. 

Oh god, it's Rob Schenider. I've forgotten about this. Todd did too, because he didn't mention it in the lead in. Gasp, he said something you couldn't say on Heat. Watch JR gamely try to treat this like an athletic contest of some sort. It probably would be better if they had any idea what they were doing. What a fine job of winning by the other person falling off by themselves. (3:00) Hey look, another person who won who I can't recall at all.

Todd has been to the Conan O'Brien school of making a bad joke, laughing, and then recoiling in horror. He's not bad.

Coach is explaining something or other, but I'm too busy watching Ashley try to increase her Punk-ness by adjusting her backwards cap. I wonder if her phone number is still 516 644 9878. Todd subtly ripped her for doing that in the lead in.    I like how this is supposed to test how they'll react under pressure of something happening, Ashley completely and totally fails in that regard, and yet - who won? So why do we have these stupid games? Leyla's promo is worse, but Elizabeth reacts much better and 'wins the game', which means quite nothing. (4:33) I'd suggest the stupid games mean something or actually entertaining - they're 0 for both for all of 'em.  

Ashley narrates winning. Look, they found all of two media appearances. Her saying she plans to wrestler should be accompanied by sad foreboding interview. HEY, THAT GIRL THAT ONE LAST TIME. Where'd she go? Oh yea. (2:28) Todd jokes that he's in a relationship with Ashley, then jokes to reveal he's in a relationship with Torrie - and you know, when you think of who they've been associated with, that's somehow less of a stretch than it should be!

And now, on to five woman you'll forget two weeks after they get voted out, one woman who'll get a gig for about a month, one woman who'll be made into a backstage interviewer despite absolutely no aptitude and one woman who'll get pushed hard for four months and dumped in sixteen. Exciting.  Do I really need to see baby pictures for this contest? I think that's largely missing the point. They've got the replacement woman - the teacher/model - in the video package (good work!) You think they'll sign her after the contest to partner with Striker in a team of Controversial Teachers People Stopped Caring About After Two Months (but we'll keep pushing in case they accidentally become slightly famous again), or if they'll just skip the contest and go right to it? (3:30)

"It's Christmas in July". Yes, 20 minutes of RAW I can watch on triple speed! Todd hard sells, and we're out.

That's it.