corp open, show open.

Trevor Murdoch & Lance Cade (432 pounds) vs Scott Fowler and Jonathan McCulley (already in the ring) - your hosts on this 417th Heat are Todd and don't call him the Coach, who'd also really like you not to be able to hear Lillian's intro of the locals, for whatever reason. Hey, that's right, Lillian's back slumming on this show, and Cade wastes no time in being angry at her for no reason. Trevor's got something to say? "My name is Trevor Murdoch, and this is my tag partner, Lance Cade. And due to recent victories, of a certain individual, we are on our way up that's right number 1! And tonight, we're going to show you two, step by step, how it's going to get done. [Coach: "Step by step-"] Shut your hole!" Trevor was talking to the fans, not Coach, but it's not as funny that way. Trevor, you can't take the microphone to your corner. Oh, he's not done. "Hey, [Cade? Coach is still taking], [again], you should go over there and introduce yourself." There's the bell, yet Trevor still has the microphone. Cade starts the match with a slap to [whoever]'s face. Trevor: "Oh, son, how you going to eat corn on the cob with no teeth?!?" Uh huh. Cade kicking and stomping [whoever] while Trevor narrates. Corner whip, [whoever] makes the mistake of moving out of the corner a step or two, and Cade clobbers him with a clothesline, sending him head and neck first into the buckle. Not the way to go. Trevor's best line is his first. Trevor wants a tag - he's going to wrestle with the mic. Tag. Cade inverted atomic drop, Trevor with a big boot that would've been better if he didn't have a mic in his hand and wasn't yelling. Your ref appears to be Chad, and he's letting this go on. Trevor passes the mic to Cade, who demands to see the other wrestler - maybe that guy has a name they'll mention? Cade: "You know who you just got in the ring with? That's Trevor Murdoch." Insightful commentary like that is why Lance Cade should never talk. Cade manages to distract [whoever's partner] with the obvious so Trevor can drop him.  Whip, back elbow. Cade: "260 pounds of lean, mean, tobacco chewing machine!" Thankfully, Cade asks for Trevor and [whoever's partner], but sadly, it's just for a geography lesson. "Do you know where Waxahachie Texas is? It's in the South, [knocks down [whoever's partner]] where real men are from!" I don't think Cade knows where Waxahachie is! Tag to Cade, thank the lord. Kicks and forearms an more excitement. Trevor indeed does have the microphone, but isn't using. Coach likes this break. Lance with a choke, and distracts the referee so - Trevor can make a Ben (actually, "Brent") Roethlisberger joke. I guess they're confident. Trevor calls spots for Cade. Actually, Trevor tells him to use an elbow, so Cade whips [whoever's partner] and puts his head down too soon. Kick, but that just gets Cade angry, pounding [whoever's partner] in the corner. While Chad backs up Lance, Trevor holds the microphone to [whoever's partner] mouth, but he ain't talking. Trevor: "You know what he's saying? [singing] Momma, don't let your boys grow up to be cowboys..." Coach: "This is entertaining to me! And if it's entertaining to me-". Cade tells Trevor that he's done. Sweet and Sour. One two three. (3:10) Cade gets the microphone to yell at Lillian some, and then interview [whoever's partner] some more. They want the tag team belts - that's odd looming match. Perhaps they should remove the ring and become some sort of panel discussion show? I'm just trying to innovate. Don't forget your cowboy hat, Cade. We're watching them walk up the ramp for quite a while for no reason - match went short?

ECW on Sci Fi. 

Victoria (Los Angeles, CA) vs Mercedes Martinez (Waterbury, CT, already in the ring) - All the fun of SHIMMER, but without the excitement of Berwyn! Lillian flips to Spanish on Mercedes' name, which I think causes Mercedes to crack a smile! That was randomly great. Your ref is Chad. Circle. Lockup, Victoria with a headlock, cranking it in, headlock punch outside of Chad's view, headlock takedown, cranking. Back up, back down. Back up, this time Mercedes escapes to a headlock of her own, headlock takedown. Todd says "independent circuit" - drink! Victoria tries, and uses a hair pull to get a headscissors. Mercedes tries to kip out, no luck twice, so she turns in it, headstand into a back bridge cover, one two no Vic bridges up. Victoria can't hold it, and she's pinned again, one two bridging up, and it looks like all the way up this time. Mercedes escapes out to an armbar before either woman can get a backslide. Coach is spinning a yarn about weekly private meetings with Vince where Mercedes' name came up and Coach was relating his expert opinion; it reeks of BS, but it's nice BS, so I'll go along with it. Whip, Mercedes puts her head down too soon even for too soon, Victoria just kinda punches her, and then throws her down by her hair. Victoria throws her around by her hair, and yanks her around by her hair. That seems fun. Chest slap drops Mercedes to one knee, and Victoria kicks her in the face while she's there. Todd tries to hypothesize Vince may care if Mercedes wins, and Coach is all "no. (that's beneath him, that's MY job.)" Mercedes fighting her way up and giving it to Victoria with some punches. Whip, dropkick by by MM. She's fire dup. Kick, double arm suplex with bridge one two NO. Forearms. Whip, clothesline is edited and hooked, and Victoria gives her a facebuster. Kick to the face. Choke around the ropes. And the other way - oh, this way sets up the Beth Phoenix Killer, whom they're coincidentally talking about at the moment. One more move, Widow's Peak, and this is over. (3:12) Mercedes is out, and Victoria kicks dirt on her. That's what happens when you mess with her! They totally told you not to. Let's hope Rebecca Knox is next.

DX at Vengeance

Matt Striker (opting for no introduction) vs Tim Arson (already in the ring) - Live Matt Striker competes with Entrance Music Matt Striker to say his catchphrase, which is very distracting. Strike has crazy patterned argyle shorts to go with the sweaters. Cheap heat of the week: the jobber pretends to be from Penn State while Striker pretends to be from Michigan. Penn State is over, Striker, not so much. Your ref is Mike. Did you know that I, a believed sane person, stayed up to 3 AM to finish a recap of a professional wrestling event, hung out in the Wrigley Field bleachers the next day on 3 hours of a sleep, didn't find a bed till after 1 AM and still got up at 7 the next day? This is because I am awesome. Matt Striker? Still not awesome. Todd, at his best: "Striker is full of it now. And by that, I mean adrenaline." Striker has a fitting eight step setup to a DDT. (3:15) Again, we stare a guy doing nothing in particular after the match. 

WWE Mobile 

RAW Rebound, though Todd gets distracted setting up. Don't give me closeups of Vince's face without a warning, dude. (1:39)

Rob Conway (Atlantic City, NJ, 230 pounds) vs Snitsky (300 pounds, "Pennsylvania's own") - weird Todd drop in here to talk about Conway's lack of wins; that UK tour must be soon. The fans are disturbingly proud. Announcers get to talking about Lillian, Charlie and Viscera. Your ref is Mickie. Conway, who's totally unblond and growing a beard now (keep on changing, one of 'em them looks will surely get you noticed) and Snitsky exchange words. That's where we needed a microphone. Lockup, Conway armbar, Snitsky shoves him off in the corner. Snitsky lurches after him and throws a big right hand, but Conway ducks out of the corner and works Snitsky in it with punches and kicks. Corner whip, reversed, Snitsky hiptosses him on the rebound. Scoop, slam. Scoop, slam. Conway's going to roll out and think about it here. Checking his back, pounding the mat. Conway back in without incident. Todd talks about DX being together and annoying Sgt. Slaughter "a couple of years ago." Lockup, Snitsky backs Conway towards the corner, Mickie in to force a break, and Conway sneaks in an eye poke. Right/forearms/ Kick, front facelock, taking his time, suplex is blocked, and Snitsky lands his own. Snitsky fired up, waiting for Conway to get up. Running big boot is avoided and Snitsky crotches himself. Conway keeps him there and works over his upper back and neck with forearms. Snitsky gets free, but gets clipped. Snitsky up to one knee, but Conway knocks him down with a diving clothesline. Elbow drop, elbow drop, off the ropes, running elbow drop to the back as Snitsky tries to get up. One two no Snitsky easily kicks out. Snitsky fights back with punches, but Conway charges and knocks him to the apron with a jumping knee. Conway assures Mickie Jay that he's not going to do anything, and then chokes Snitsky with his hand and his boot. Conway lets Snitsky get up, just to knock him to the floor. Conway taking his time. Elbow smash to Snitsky's back from the apron. Conway throws Snitsky back in. Conway rolls him over and covers him, one two no. One two no. One to no. Chinlock. All the way down. Announcers talking about John Cena being in his element in ECW. One arm drop. Two arm drop. Three - no, and Snitsky rallies back. Up to his feet, elbows, Conway won't let go still, so Snitsky rams him in the corner. Still on, but Snitsky is finally able to shrug him off into the corner. Conway comes out of the corner, and into an inverted atomic drop. Right hand, back aright hand. Scoop slam! He's out of moves. Oh, wait, there's the side slam. Snitsky all fired up, perhaps should consider the pin. Big clothesline spins out Conway. Snitsky rallies the crowd. Whip, head down too soon, Conway gets him with a swinging neckbreaker. Snitsky's almost up first after taking the move. Conway off the ropes, into a big boot. Snitsky starts to celebrate, then pins - one two three. (6:17) Yay it's over. 

That's it.