Open.

Eugene & 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan (507 pounds) vs Caden Mathews & the Navajo Warrior (462 pounds, already in the ring) - Who's the brains of this team? Todd is still all alone for Heat #415. I think they've forgotten about him by now. Todd: "Who's ever think we see it - Eugene teaming up with Jim Duggan?" 40% of the voters at Taboo Tuesday, if I remember right. Eugene requested this match, so he could chant USA. More or less. Eugene and Mr. Warrior start off. Navajo backs Eugene in the corner and goes for a yelping tomahawk chop, but Eugene ducks under and does his butt dance. Navajo charges, and it's time for the airplane spin already? He mixes it up in a tag match, I guess. He's dizzy, but still can put on an armbar and tag in Duggan. Navajo gets free and tags in Caden - good luck for him. Duggan give shim a clubbing forearm to start. Into one corner, whip to the other, and Caden rebounds out into a clothesline. There's another. Front facelock allows Duggan to start the USA chant again. Tag to Eugene, and Duggan opens up Caden for a free shot. Whip, double shoulderblock. One t- no. Corner whip, Eugene charges in, Caden moves out of the way and grabs (your referee) Mickie Jay, allowing the Navajo Warrior to get in a cheap shot from the outside. Duggan wants some revenge, but he and Mickie Jay have an argument (perhaps about hidden rolls of tape) while the quasi-locals stomp Eugene into the mat. Caden stays in while the Navajo Warrior tags out, and then Caden tags him in anyway. Elbow to the back. Knife edge chop. Scoop, and a slam. The Navajo Warrior off the ropes, elbow drop, one two no. Is the Navajo Warrior going for his own airplane spin? We'll never know, because Eugene slips free and shoves him in the corner. Back suplex by Eugene, and both men could use a tag. Eugene's going the wrong way, which is a problem. Hacksaw tries to redirect him, and I Think Eugene finally smartens up, if you can believe it. Tag to Hacksaw, tag to Caden. Right for Caden, right for the Navajo Warrior, rights for Caden, Hacksaw brings them together so he can punch without having to move, and then knock heads. Everyone in now. Duggan slams Caden, and then he and the Navajo Warrior are whipped into each other. Kick, Stunner on the Navajo Warrior, and Hacksaw slams Caden in position - for something. I thought we might be blessed with the Old Glory Kneedrop, but instead he's instruction Eugene on the finer points of "HOOOOOO!" Now what? Corner whip for Caden, and down he goes. Hacksaw lines up for it - weak three point stance but Caden sells it fine. One two three. (156-608) It was like he didn't really want to hurt Caden with that, which is sorta - whatever. Todd notes my Duggan jumps and one ups me by saying "former United States Champion Jim Duggan". He would've got mad points for saying TV Champ, but what can you do. Also, I've clearly lost my mind, and this is only segment one of eight. Not a good sign. Duggan trust Eugene with the flag! So we're both having bad lapses in judgment.

WWE Fantasy

Charlie Haas (Dallas, TX, 249 pounds) vs John Williams (Seattle, WA, 235 pounds, already in the ring) - Your ref is Mike. Lockup, Haas with a waistlock, spins j?w around, double leg trip, jackknife cover, one two no. Lockup, around in the corner, and shoves are exchanged. Todd is tasked with introducing Sabu to those unfamiliar with him (and just hits the catchphrase); he so needs a partner. Stevie better have a sweet gig in ECW or I don't get why he's not be asked to be here. Haas with a headlock, shot off, over, hiptoss blocked, there he's own, and three armdrags to follow. Wristlock? John tries to get the ropes, but no. Haas spins him to the mat for a cover and two. Armdrags, one two no. Forearm in the face while locking on - now I know THAT's an elbow lock. Hammerlock, John gets in the ropes, break - and John gets in the cheap elbow. Double chop to the shoulders? Okay. Right. Turnbuckle smash. European uppercut. Chest slap. Corner whip, John yells, and charges in to a Haas heel kick. Haas works John with kicks, and dropkicks him down one two no. Back to the elbow lock that no one's going to explain, least of all Todd. John garbs the bottom rope to get free, and its on the apron. Haas grabs him, and John does the predictable stunner over the ropes. John comes in and celebrates the concept of obvious. Belly to belly suplex for two. Chin lock with the right arm trapped. Whoever was faking crowd noise before has given up now, because the crowd is library quiet. I've seen morgues more lively than this.  Haas tries to battle up, fails. Williams tries to come off the ropes, fails, Haas drops him on his shoulders with a German suplex (Todd: "belly to back" - well, it is, but...). Todd's World: everyone he hasn't heard of is a great independent wrestler. Both slow up, Haas wins the punches in typical face manner. Whip, big boot, kick to the spine, kick to the spine, kick to chest. Angry Charlie Haas is going to wear himself if he keeps circling like that. Layout inverted DDT. (5:34)

Reckless Intent

Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch (532 pounds) vs Goldust & Snitsky (560 pounds) - Your ref is Jack. Todd assures us that Goldust & Snitsky demanded this match due to previous events in this simulated storyline (a clip would be nice, but no); did everyone get to make their own match this week? Todd also says Cade & Murdoch guaranteed a win earlier - we don't see this either. Just trust Todd. Lockup, Goldust pushed into the corner, turns around, and Goldust freaks out Cade's direction. Shoves exchange, Cade with a kick, headlock, down goes Goldust. Trevor is enjoying this way too much. Corner whip, Cade charges into a boot. Goldust with punches, whip, Cade puts his head down too soon and takes the uppercut. Trevor in, inverted atomic drop, Cade in, inverted atomic drop, and Snitsky clotheslines them both. Snitsky and Goldust clothesline them out. I'm guessing there's a break here in the UK. Trevor shoves Cade and yells at him already - it's a bit quick for that. They seem to be on the same page now. Cade back in. Lockup, no, Cade with knees. Corner whip, Goldust fights Cade and Murdoch at the same time. Trevor knocked to the floor, and Goldust gets ten corner punches on Cade. Trevor tags himself in while Goldust tries to whip Cade. Cade reverses it and gives Goldust an atomic drop, with Trevor adding a big boot. Goldust whipped into the corner for Trevor to work over, and then Cade to work over while Chad is distracted. Tag to Cade. Kick. Rake over the ropes. Corner whip, Cade charges into a back elbow, Goldust reaching for the tag, but Cade stops hi short with a drop toe hold. Cade with cross face forearms to work over Goldust. Legdrop, one two no. Cade brings Goldust back in to his corner, tag to Goldust, and holding him open for Trevor to add an elbow drop. Whip, back elbow one two no. Neck vice. Goldust tries to elbow out, but Trevor punches him, knocking him out of the ring. Cade rams him into the apron and throw shim in, and Trevor is quick on top one two no. Trevor and Chad get into a big argument, Trevor even grabbing Chad and moving him around. Goldust is getting back to his feet in the midst of this, and Trevor turns into a powerslam. Can Goldust make the tag? He can kick the mat, that's for sure.  Both are down, and the count's reached seven. Trevor tags Cade, Goldust tags Snitsky. Big right for Cade, big clothesline for Trevor, slam for Cade, slam for Snitsky, side slam for Cade almost kills him. Corner whip, Trevor gets a backdrop on the rebound. Snitsky is crazy and fired up. Goldust in and getting a shot in on Cade, but Chad gets him out. While that's going on, Cade rakes Snitsky's eyes - he's blind. Sweet and Sour. One two three. (6:08) They lived up to the guarantee that we didn't see, and Cade is far too fired up about it. 

WWE Mobile

RAW highlights. You can't say spiritjackoff on Heat! Even the Spirit Squad figured out HHH would have a back up sledgehammer - why didn't Vince? You can't say the club either, which is just a shame. (2:32)

Rob Conway (Atlantic City, NJ, 230 pounds) vs Carlito (the Caribbean, 229 pounds) - You're ref if Chad. If I was Rob Conway, I wouldn't be investing in new tights, but that's why he's him. Crowd likes Carlito. Lockup, Carlito, headlock, Conway throws him down by the hair. Lockup, Conway with a headlock, Conway turns it around into a double wristlock, and gets thrown down by his hair again. Conway with a kick, whip head won too soon, and Carlito throws him down by his hair. Carlito slaps Conway in the face - and then hides in the ropes. Chad gets between, so Carlito slaps him again! Conway turns, and gets slapped again. Conway has no answer this time, and gets kicked in the midsection. Off the ropes, odd looking clothesline. Carlito tries to roll to the apron, but Conway picks him up, so he can throw him out of the ring the other side. Conway angrily out after him - Carlito back first in the barricade, back first into the apron, back first into the pole. "GET OUT OF MY FACE!" and the cameraman does back way. Carlito brought back in, elbow drop to the back, elbow drop to the back, elbow drop tot eh back - no posing here, one two no. Conway not happy with the count. Conway told Todd that he spends at least 8 hours in the gym a day. Either Conway's saving a lot of money by not getting hotel rooms (because he's not sleeping on that schedule) or he LIED. Take your pick. Conway working over Carlito with right hands. Choke in the corner. Rights. Conway seems to be experiencing rage. Corner whip, Carlito goes in chest first, and rebounds out into a back suplex. One two no - one two no still. Chinlock. Carlito tries to elbow out, Conway stuns him with punches, Carlito tries fighting back with his own, Conway stops that with a kick. Whip, head down too soon, and Carlito kicks it. Carlito off the ropes, Conway gets a sleeper. Carlito shoots him off, and gets a sleeper of his own. Conway with a back suplex, Carlito lands on his feet,. Kick, running knee, running clothesline, here's another. Whip, reversed, Conway misses a clothesline, Carlito lands the springboard back elbow one two no. Carlito with right hands. Whip, reversed, no, back the same way, Carlito stops short of running to Chad (Todd: "Chad Campbell" - huh?) in the corner, but turns into a Conway kick. Conway tries for the spinning neckbreaker, but Carlito grabs the middle rope and Conway spins on his own. Conway dumbly decides to get up facing away from Carlito and stand there; Carlito has no problem getting the Backcracker. One two three. (5:08)

That's it.