but, how does it affect Steven Richards: so, apparently the latest WON says they're canceling Afterburn and Bottom Line the same time as the big USA move. Normally, I wouldn't care and you wouldn't care, except since they're also canceling Velocity and Heat at that time, that means the B-Show matches go...? Maybe the WWE Sunday show is some sorta-hybrid crossbrand mess? Maybe nowhere but international markets? Maybe there's another scary load of cuts coming? Maybe it's irresponsible for me to be speculating about such a thing? I dunno.

ROH: It was good. Was gonna write more than that, but never found the time to today. Maybe later?

TV PG LV CC entertainment open

Val Venis (Las Vegas, NV, 244 pounds) vs Johnny Parisi (Long Island, NY, 230 pounds, already in the ring) - Val gives Coach some lip on the way to the ring. Parisi's quite the jobber right off the bat. Your announcers are Todd and Coach, who will not give Todd any dap. Todd: "Why can't we be friends?" Coach: "Don't ever try to be hip." Free towel giveaway! Slightly used. Val's Hooters Airlines joke - well, more like twenty minute one act play - is sorta dated, but all lame. I'm in no mood. Todd gets in one funny line. I'm begging Parisi to attack him. Coach: "Is that supposed to be entertaining? Is that supposed to entertain the Coach?" Your ref is Chad, looking remarkable unhurt after Monday. The purpose of this angle was to help me tell which one was Jack and which was Chad a little easier, right? Because otherwise I'm lost. Lockup, Val backs Parisi into the corner, Parisi gets in the cheap shot. Every match this weekend has started the same way. Punches and stomps. Whip, reversed, Val with the running and the kneelifts. Russian Legsweep. Hipswivel. Right hands. Coach talks about Parisi stepping up his level of competition. Corner whip, reversed, Val goes down hard. Elbow drop to the back, stomps. Absolutely no heat for this match right now. Kicks. Stomps. Shoulder to the midsection. HBK beating Hogan > anything else he's done in his career, apparently. Suplex. One two no. Chinlock. Todd says Johnny's uncle is former tag team champion Tony Parisi, which is odd, which clues me in that I've been spelling his name wrong for two weeks. Huh. Chinlock. Val elbwoing up. Off the roeps, into a backdrop. One two no. Knees to the back. Stomps to the back. Headbutt to the back. I think he might have targeting something. Suplex - blocked, Val punches, tries his own suplex, but his back hurts. Parisi tries a clothesline, Val catches him and is fine enough to do a half nelson suplex. Too bad his back hurts. Val wins the punch battle. Clothesline. Back elbow. Chop. Whip, reversed, Val back with a shoulderblock. One two no. Coach imagines that Chad is hurt here; if he's supposed to, he's doing a bad job of it. Johnny tries a pin in the corner with his feet on the ropes, but Chad catches it. Johnny has a fit, and turns around into a spinebuster. That's it. Money Shot? Sure. One two three. (4:12) Why do they bring guys up? I dunno.

Later: Rene Dupree vs Matt Striker
Next: I fast forward a lot

but first, Diva Search. (1:15)

Driving out in a topless golf cart, it's Kerwin White. Announcers are talking all over the - Sinatra? Crosby? I'm dumb in this area - music, so I'll note the monogrammed front panel of the cart, and the golf clubs in the back. He's got the sweater wrapped around his neck - he better wrestle in that thing, because I don't know how he'll live. Coach likes everything up to the "White Is Right" line, but says you can't fault a guy for "playing the game." Todd starts in a "Coach, I gotta confession to make - a couple years ago, I used to be an African American" joke and Coach is all ticked because it's not funny when you make fun of HIS ethnicity. Kerwin has a 15 handicap. Kerwin lays some dance moves on us, announcers agree he's stealing from Todd. "I can do it all, the Roger Rabbit, the Running Man, you name it." Chavo went quite blond. I personally hate the dyed hair but not dyed eyebrow look; it's all so fake. Oh, this is a promo. "You've been searching for a champion, a warrior cut from the same cloth as real Americans. For far too long, the sports world has been void of positive role models. But now, your search is over! No need to look any more, because [pause for boos, actually pause for people to yell something that they don't really, but Kerwin prompts it anyway] Ch-Ch-Chavo? No no, I'm sorry, Chavo has left the building, he's probably trying to get a job at some taco stand, like all the rest of the unemployed Hispanics. Like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, your search is over, and there's no need to look any more, because standing right in front of you is a true sports hero, who lives by a higher code of morals and values - oh, I'm sorry 'white values'. [Todd: "They're good values!"] The Great White Hope has arrived [boos] and his name is Kerwin White. And like I always say, if it's not white, it's not right." OH no he's dancing again. Coach has to go to 'once you go black' as a comeback. Kerwin pulls out a 7 Iron and practices his swing. Todd sums up this so perfectly: "Granted, [Kerwin's] living a lie right now, but let's enjoy it while it lasts." 

Next: YOU are going to be facing Chris Jericho. But only if you are Chad.

RAW Live
Monday - Bell Centre, Montreal, QC [RAW]
Sunday - MCI Center, Washington, DC [SummerSlam]
picture of Show, who does not have a match on that show
Next Monday - Hampton Coliseum, Hampton, VA [RAW]
Next Friday - Coliseo de Puerto Rico, San Juan, PR [RAW Live]
Next Saturday - Office Depot Center, Fort Lauderdale, FL [RAW Live]

SummerSlam: "Get It Poppin'" by Fat Joe

Two Week Ago: Chad Patten bailed out John Cena during his match. I love how they're showing the Godfather II UNCUT next, and we're black and whiting blood here. (1:02)
One Week Ago: John Cena failed to bail out Chad Patten during his match. THE STEEL LIGHTS OF THE STEEL CITY what the? He's not so mad he can't spin his belt. (3:04)
RAW: John Cena vs Chris Jericho & Carlito

Later: what are you going to do? (fast forward)
Next: Cena's next video

WWE Rewind, presented by DB2: Edge's promo.

Tyson Tomko (Jacksonville, FL, 285 pounds) vs J. P. Parsonage (212 pounds, Pittsburgh, PA, already in the ring) - did I mention Justin Roberts is doing ring announcing? There we go. Coach: "I don't mean to interrupt you, but I don't really care." Wait a second here - I don't actually pay much attention to TNA most days, but a quick google search reveals J. P. Parsonage is the real name of TNA wrestler Johnny Devine, who's on the PPV tonight - I presume it's the same guy but I wouldn't know. How odd. Your ref is Chris. Lockup. into the ropes, break, with Tyson giving in a shove. JP doesn't like it, and gets piefaces. Johnny charges, and gets a knee in the midsection. Whip, clothesline misses, JP slides under, turns, charges, and eats big boot. Wait, is that it? He's dead, Jim. Kay's checking on him - and calling the match. (:56) Here's a replay, here's another replay. JP flipped there. Coach: "This may be the first and only time we see JP Parsonage on Heat!"

Which leaves us with plenty of time for Cena's video. BAD TOMKO BAD. (3:46)

Hey, UFC guys on Casino Cinema. Cross promotion sucks.

Coach and Todd give some hype to Hogan and HBK because were badly needing some. (2:07)
SummerSlam: Hulk Hogan vs Shawn Michaels
SummerSlam: Eddie Guerrero vs Rey Mysterio for Custody of Dominick
SummerSlam: Undertaker vs Randy Orton
SummerSlam: Batista vs JBL for the World Heavyweight Title in a No Holds Barred match
SummerSlam: Eugene vs Kurt Angle in a no time limit match (which is like any other match not in the Invitational but whatever)
SummerSlam: Edge vs Matt Hardy
SummerSlam: John Cena vs Chirrs Jericho for the WWE Championship
SummerSlam: "Remedy" by Seether

I like what Maria is doing with her hair here. I don't like that we're taking to Rene Dupree, but I can't win them all.
"Haven't you watched my matches like I told you, sweetheart?"
"Yea, duh."
"So you know that I'm simply phenomenal?"
[kinda shrugs, actually - doesn't register to Dupree ]
"And you know why they call me the French Phenom, right?"
"Phenom means good! Right?"
"Yea, it does. You're smart, you know that? Listen, sweetheart, when I get in the ring with this sticky fingers guy tonight-"
"Striker, his name is Matt Striker."
"I'm sure it is. Okay, when I get in the ring with Matt Striker, the people watching at home on television, and even you Maria, are going to realize Rene Dupree is-"
"Really really good?"
"You have no idea? Rene Dupree is simply phenomenal."

Bodyslam of the Week, sponsored by Bod: Angle fails to beat Eugene, again.

Rene Dupree (Paris, France, 270 pounds) vs Matt Striker (New York City, NY, 237 pounds) - Between facing Angle and feuding with HBK, they've done a good job of ensuring Hogan's not getting booed in Calgary. This match is a lot like choosing between two things that suck. Coach has personal issues with someone holding up a YOU SUCK sign. At least they haven't made a video for Striker? I'm so rooting for Dupree here and it feels so wrong. I keep waiting for parts of his mustache to start peeling off. USA USA USA. Circle. Lockup, Striker gets shoved down. Lockup, Striker with an inside cradle one two no. Don't do the dance, that's not right. Dupree charges into a drop toe hold, and armdrag. Striker now has a chalkboard on his butt. Whip, Striker slides under, and gets killed by a Dupree clothesline. Stomps. Choke. Coach is selling a Dupree win too hard for it happen, I worry. Running knee to the back. Chop. Stomp. Snap mare, chinlock. Todd thinks 10 people play football. Striker battling up. Todd: "I played soccer in college!" Many things become a lot clearer now. Dupree stops Striker with a forearm. Slam. Off the ropes, falling headbutt. One two no. Striker thrown out. Chop on the outside. Running him back first into the apron. Todd makes fun of Matt's wedgie. Dupree breaks the count, chops Striker, and comes back in. Is he content with a countout? Striker slow up - no, Dupree's gonna collect him. One two no. Chinlock. Striker trying to rally. Todd: "He's got that fist shaking like he wants the crowd's help." DO NOT LOOK AT THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN, TODD. I'm finding myself agreeing way too much with Coach today, that's a horrible sign. Striker elbows up, and manages to hold his own o the punch battle. Duck one, off the roes, crossbody one two no. Slam. Yelling like a sub-Charlie Haas. Up to the middle rope. Up to the rope to do the only top rope move you're allowed to do, cross body, one two NO. Striker can't believe it. Please believe it. Striker with right hands, Dupree turns it around in the corner, but Stirker's punches are enough to turn it around. You'd think you'd be a better puncher with that name. Dupree wanders into a boot. Striker to the middle rope, stupid axhandle gets a smart kick. Todd [deadpan]: "Oh no it's the cobra clutch." I'm rapidly losing my mind, so it's great that Dupree is finishing this with a cobra clutch slam. One two three. (5:17)

RAW: Hogan vs Angle
RAW: Cena vs Jericho & Angle in a handicap match
RAW: Diva Search Final
RAW: Victoria vs Stacy - Todd just threw that one in at the last second, and I thought Stacy was hurt? HUH.

That's it.