TV PG LV CC entertainment open

Hey, how do we kick off the big 350th episode of Heat?

Viscera (Harlem, NY, 487 pounds) vs Val Venis (Las Vegas, Nevada, 244 pounds) - ha ha NO. Hey, did Vis move? (and that too sounds like the setup to a great punch line I'm blanking on.) I thought I was all good when Chris Masters turned up on Heat, but I guess I'm due a Snitsky match too and probably should save my get of jail card for it. Your hosts are Todd and Coach . The "biggest ever" thing of the week is Hunter's anger. Coach continues the Val vs Coach feud. Hey, Chris Kay is a RAW referee today! He gets around. Has a lot of shirts. Doesn't bounce any more. And - I really need those punch lines. Lockup works oh so not well for Val. Clean? Eh, no. Chest slap. Viscera asks Val if he wants another one, and decides he does - but Val ducks out, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, shoved down. Val right back up for corner punches, but corner punches never work, one two three four shoved off. Scoop, walking without a purpose, and Val slips away. Val sandwich clotheslines Viscera in the corner a few times. Whip - is not going to work, Vis short clothesline. Val set up in the Tree of Woe, but hanging on to Viscera's leg to prevent him form doing something. Viscera chops him in the chest to get free. Chris Kay tries to free Val, but it's not going to happen in time - running butt smash. Viscera adjusts his jacket. "WHO'S THE MAN? Standing on him choke. Slam, Val doing the arched back oversell. Viscera waiting for Val to get up, corner charge, Val moves out of the way, inside cradle one two NO. Both guys up, Val ducks Viscera's lame grab and clips him. Off the ropes, bulldog. Todd thinks it'd be an upset if Val won, which doesn't say much for Val. Val gingerly going up - announcers note he's grabbing an ankle - but Viscera starts rolling before Val get jump. Val hops down to the mat and hurts himself more. Val charges, and hurts himself even more by eating Viscera's wheel kick. Viscera calling for it. Embalmer. One two three. (3:30) I guess it would've been an upset.

Tonight: Tajiri and William Regal vs La Resistance for the World Tag Team Titles - in La Resistance's Last Chance match.

Next: Hassan's best match - is not wrestling.

Stacker 2 XPLC Stack of the Night: Hassan and Daivari lay out HBK 2 weeks ago.

Daivari has a perfect record! (Tryout matches on Heat ignored.) Perhaps he will not make the Coach's mistake and remind everyone. Although it's HBK, so he's giving that loss back at some point. (9:21)

King's Ransom WWE Slam of the Week: Simon Dean spills his drink, Simon Dean gets stunned, Maven gets stunned.

Simon Dean & Maven (445 pounds) vs "the team of C.M. Punk" (406 pounds, already in the ring, wait, now they're outside it) - Simon has a Simon System bar for Coach! Coach is thrilled to see Maven too. "You know, I eat these every day, that's why the Coach looks the way he does, and you - well, you're pretty self explanatory." Meanwhile, Lillian completely forgets who the other person is standing next to Punk (who may also be on the Simon System.) Wait, first, Simon's got something to say. "People, Maven and I have a very important announcement to make about Stone Cold Steve Austin. We have photographic evidence to explain why we were so savagely attacked and so viciously beaten on Monday Night RAW, just two weeks ago." "I don't know what your name is - Ed, Phil, Ray, roll the footage and show all these morons the evidence." We see Stone Cold drinking his beer, but a container of Simon Dean drink mix has been superimposed over the top of it. And more photoshopped photos. Simon's still talking, and then Maven talks to say the same thing. The point is Maven has better abs than Steve Austin. Tonight's about showing what the Simon System really can do. Not CM to start. Or is this M in Lillian's world? It's really Russell Simpson though Todd decides Chad Collyer is in the match at one point, and both announcers are sure the team is called CM Punk - which probably tells you all you need to know about how much most in WWE pay attention to non-WWE (or do quality control, come to think of it.) Lockup, armdrag by Maven. Maven having words with punk. Lockup, fireman's carry, armbar. Maven forearms out. Whip, back into a hiptoss. Armbar, tag to Punk. Punk with an armbar, backed into the ropes by using hate hair. Break, Punk blocks Maven's punch and lands his own, but gets clotheslined by Simon. Maven with a stomp. Simpson is lured over so Maven and Simon can work Punk over in the corner. Lots of punches by Maven. Tag to Simon. Knees to the head. Running front facelock, and then a suplex. Floatover, one tow no. Hipthurst legdrop. Headbutt. "YOU SUCK" Tag to Maven, whip, Maven dropkick. One two NO. Maven bicep poses. Punk tries to fight up, and gets stomped down. Whip, dropkick, no, Punk's got the ropes and Maven crashes down. Tag to Simon, Tag to Simpson? Sorta, Simon forearmed him there. Right for Simon, right for Simon, back elbow for Maven, right for Simon, whip, blind tag by Maven, Simpson puts his head down too soon, Simon with a kick. Both guys in, double spinebuster on Simpson. One two three. (3:13) Hey, they got a tag finisher. Simpson pulled up - to be force fed a Simon System bar? Punk up on the apron to stop it, and gets elbowed down by Simon. Yea, there's the bar stuffed down Simpson's mouth - he probably can't enjoy it if you kick him in the gut, Simon.

Equally stomach turning - it's Randy Orton's shoulder surgery. Randy on meds isn't a better promo than Randy off meds, glad to have that figured out. (1:27)

HHH can beat Hurricane and Rosey! He's totally winning the title now. (1:20 )
RAW: Triple H vs Jim Ross. Todd dares to ask "wait, what's the point?" and Coach just tells him to be quiet. Between this and the 40 minutes to be devoted to Hogan, this is an awesome RAW for a Cubs night game. DOWN WITH THE REDS.

Next: William Regal and Tajiri

Next: Tajiri and William Regal vs La Resistance for the World Tag Team Titles in La Resistance's Last Chance match. Hey, this is kinda early.

RAW Live
Monday - Madison Square Garden [RAW/SD! Supershow]
Wednesday - Berlin, Germany [RAW WM Revenge Tour]
Thursday - Aberdeen, Scotland [RAW WM Revenge Tour]
Friday - Edinburgh, Scotland [RAW WM Revenge Tour]
Saturday - Newcastle, England [RAW WM Revenge Tour]

WM in Australia (1:00)

La Resistance (Province of Quebec, 477 pounds) vs William Regal and Tajiri (446 pounds) in a Last Chance World Tag Team Championship Match - Interestingly, they don't phrase it "no more title shots while William Regal and Tajiri are champions" - it's no more title shots ever, or at least that's how they're calling it tonight. This is Regal and Tajiri's fifth defense. See if you can notice a patten:

1: b La Resistance (Robert Conway and Sylvan Grenier), 02/14/05 - RAW
2: b Christian and Tyson Tomko and La Resistance (Robert Conway and Sylvan Grenier), 03/06/05 - Heat
3: b Simon Dean and Maven and La Resistance (Robert Conway and Sylvan Grenier), 03/28/05 - RAW
4: DQL Hurricane and Rosey and La Resistance (Robert Conway and Sylvan Grenier), 04/10/05 - Heat

Yea, I'm amazed this isn't a three way too. If it is there last match, they'd end up with 18 title matches in 11 months; not a bad record. (Credit: ME.) Of course, they have to overcome No Titles May Change Hands On Heat, so the odds are against them. La Resistance wastes no time, attacking the champs as they come in the ring. Too bad they lose the prematch brawl. Once we get it settled down, it's Regal and Conway. Lockup, headlock, Conway out and then into a headlock of his own. Off the ropes, into a hiptoss. Dropkick. Right. Forearm. Tag to Tajiri as Regal works over Conway with forearms. Whip, Regal drop toe hold, Tajiri screaming dropkick to the head. Conway manages to sneak in a chop as Tajiri is taking his time, but Tajiri stops him with a kick to the side. Another another. Whip, wheel kick. One two no. A little more elevation on that one than Viscera's armbar. Conway sneaks in a knee, and tags out to Grenier. Grenier in, picking up Tajiri, and getting open hand slaps by Tajiri. Whip, quick reverse into a kick, back suplex into a side slam one two NO. Right. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Grenier argues with Mike Choida so Conway can choke Tajiri. Tag to Tajiri, hold for a right hand. Conway with right hands. Kick. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Distraction for another illegal choke. Right. Tag to Grenier. Grenier one two NO. Chinlock. Talking trash. Coach alleging Choida has biases against his guys. Tajiri elbowing out, but stopped by a Grenier knee. Slam, Tajiri slips behind, tag to Regal. Clothesline for Grenier, back elbow for Conway, shoulderblock for Grenier, back elbow for Conway, back elbow for Grenier, backdrop for Conway. Regal reaches for Conway as he rolls out and Grenier forearms him in the back. Whip, quick reverse into an release Exploder suplex one two Conway breaks it up. Tajiri in and kicking Conway. Everyone fights in corners, La Resistance whipped at each other, spin each other, and knock down the champions. Regal's knocked out of the ring, and while Choida checks on him, the champions grab Tajiri - Au Revior! Choida counts - one two three! (4:15) Wait, I'm pretty sure Tajiri wasn't the legal man there unless I missed something, and it looks like Choida is realizing something's a bit off. Regal's protesting as La Resistance gets the belts, and now Choida is trying to get La Resistance's attention, but they're too busy celebrating to pay any attention. CHOIDA'S GOT THE MIC. "Hey, La Resistance, I just realized, Tajiri's not the legal man in the ring - so I will restart this match right now. There's the bell - there's the break.

As we return, Regal's getting stomped down in the wrong corner. Coach, having already laid the groundwork for Choida going against his guys, is all over him for doing exactly that. Todd somehow compares this to the NFL - "they look twice to make sure they make the right call" - but Choida didn't actually look at anything. La Resistance are taking turns choking and making tags - there's the Hart Attack, and there's Grenier covering Regal, one two NO. La Resistance can't believe it. They're still upset about the restart, and Grenier lets everyone know after he finishes punching Regal. Tag to Conway. Right hands. Todd is now comparing this to the 1972 USSR/USA Gold Medal Basketball game; which would make La Resistance USA, actually. Crowd chants for Regal as Conway gives him a snap mare. Chinlock. Regal trying to draw form the crowd, but they're too busy booing. Regal fighting out of the chinlock, but Conway punches him. Regal tries fighting back, whipped, Conway puts his head down too soon, and Regal kicks it. Both stand up, and both clothesline. Tag to Grenier, tag to Tajiri. Ducking Grenier's clothesline, double chop to him, double chop to the other one, side kick to one, side kick to the other one. Whip, reversed, there's the handspring for Grenier. Conway takes the reverse thrust kick. Kick, corner whip, Grenier charges into the Tarantula. Holding it for four, and waiting as Grenier moves into position. Buzzsaw Kick is ducked, but Tajiri dropkicks in the face on the second pass, one two Conway breaks it up. Regal gives Conway left hands until he's dropped, and until Choida pulls him away and pushes him towards his corner. Conway ended up laying in his own corner, and figured he might as well grab a flag while he's there. Grenier has Tajiri in a full nelson, and Conway jabs the point of the flag - getting his partner as Tajiri moves out of the way. MIST for Conway! Buzzsaw kick for Grenier! One two three. (3:20, 7:35 total) Legal men this time. Coach: "Possibly tithe most illegal win in the history of the WWE." Coach is protesting this result right now! Hey, Regal's got something to say. "Being the World Tag Team Champions is not only an honor for us and a privlage, but it is very very important to us that we thrive on great competition. Now, we've beaten everyone else in the WWE, so it's time to step up to the plate, to become proactive. We throw out an open challenge to any tag team in the world to face us! We will be waiting." Coach has a team in mind? Hmmm. Who's it going to be - Eddie and Rey? Dudleyz? Averno and Mephisto? (no.) Darn it.

RAW: Triple H vs Jim Ross, in New York

That's it.