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Trish Stratus (Toronto, ON) vs Victoria (Los Angeles, CA) in a Divas Contest - OH NO - your hosts are Experience's Todd and Ivory. We're all going to die! "It's Fatal Attraction, I'm following you everyone - you can't take me away from Sunday Night Heat. I love the action! WOOHOO!" Just checking: Tough Enough is over, right? Is Al off collecting minor league hockey jerseys or something? What the heck. IVORY IS TALKING IN ALL CAPS, ALL THE TIME. Baseball Cap = great Victoria outfit. Trish disagrees, attacking Victoria while she's taking off her jacket, and then shows her NHL withdrawal by using the pulling the jacket over Victoria's head like a hockey jersey, and punching the midsection repeatedly. Sadly, Victoria is more annoyed than hurt, and Trish lets her take of their jacket and throw it at Trish. Catfight roll around doesn't seem to get on track - too much hair pulling. Ivory as Justin Roberts: "Puerrrto Rrico" IN the ring, Victoria is winning the brawl, Trish tries to evade with the Matrix back bend, and Victoria just sits on her to cause a pin, one two no. Slam. Shaky shaky moonsault, one two no. Corner whip, reversed, Trish rushes into an elbow, Victoria goes up slow to the middle rope, Trish tries the Stratusphere, but Victoria blocks it and brings Trish up tot eh top rope. They exchange more punches seated up top. Victoria knocks Trish off and to the floor with a right hand; I think Trish was supposed to pull Victoria down with her one way or another, because Victoria tumbles after her for no discernible reason. Both are down on the floor, Trish clutching her knee. Victoria starts to crawl in at six, but Trish pulls her out, and does a Jericho-esque one foot cover (to the back) and pose. Okay, now back in. Hair toss. One two no. RAT TRAP! No, wait, just a normal full nelson. The irony would've been ironic! Victoria battles up to her feet, and gets out with a reverse headbutt. We decide Victoria is going for the broken nose when Victoria gives her another headbutt, and then a high knee to the face. One two NO. Corner whip, Trish rebounds out in a Victoria fireman's lift. Spider Web? - no, Trish reverses during the spin into a modified spinning headscissors. Trish and Victoria end up on opposite sides of the ring, and Trish walks over into a Victoria flapjack onto the top rope. Kick, setting up, but Trish backdrops out and holds the bridge for a cover, one two NO. Chick Kick one two THREE (4:18) Ivory yells that Trish pulled the tights, but it didn't seem to happen in this universe.

NYR: Lita (c) vs Trish for the Woman's Championship
NYR: Kane vs Gene Snitsky

Tonight: Ric Flair vs Val Venis! Truly a test for Ric.

Snickers presents the WWE Rewind: Snitsky chases Lita, gets match versus Kane.

Robert Conway (Province of Quebec, 240 pounds) vs Hurricane (215 pounds) - Ivory: "Robert is quite the machine when it comes to working the...mat in the ring." I had no idea where she was going there. Ivory: "I said Hurri-Hurri-Hurri!" aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I guess this is the best possible match out of the never ending Resistance/Superheroes fake feud (Todd: "Robert Conway, one half of La Resistance, and Hurricane has been in the ring many many many times with his tag team partner Rosey"), but I'm incredibly lazy this week. I'll record the ping pong balls for Hurricane Bingo, though. Ivory says "these guys can wrestle up a storm" without realizing her own pun, and then starts babbling about how hot these guys are. YELL YELL YELL. I realized during the last match that the PPV means I've got two weeks of this at least. Hurripose? Hurripose. Pescado is not on the card - that's why Conway sidestepped it, and Hurricane hit the floor hard. (Do you really need to miss dives out of the ring on Heat?) Ivory sorta knows referee Mike Choida's name. Conway has a nice swinging neckbreaker when Hurricane jumps two feet for it. Earlier, Trish was talking about Trish's "new" 9-month old heel turn. Now, she's complaining about Robert's pronunciation. Ivory (insane at a rollup): "I'M SORRY TODD!!! IT'S SO EXCITING!!!" I've never missed Coach more than I do right now. Is Leg Lariat on the card? I dunno. I guess it would have to be on the list. Underdog? Underdog! Top rope move is crossbody, cover that square, but only get a two count. Bollo Uppercut, getting there. Crappy, uh, let's say Franchiser by Conway for lack of effort - that move really requires good timing by both guys to look even decent, and it never looks good. Conway tries to suplex (or at least lift) Hurricane, but Hurricane some how blocks this by hitting the ropes with one of his feet. I dunno. After that, Hurricane just ends up slipping behind Conway anyway - Eye of the Hurricane? No, Conway stops it. Corner whip, Hurricane kips up but Conway catches him on his shoudler and walks to the middle of the ring. Hurricane slips down to escape, Eye of the Hurricane, BINGO. (4:54) 

Tonight: Ric Flair vs Val Venis! Truly a test for Ric.

Daivari speaks English? oh my! (4:40)
RAW: DEBATE! How can you hate Daivari with a smiling video clip like that?

Next: William Regal vs Tyson Tomko

WrestleMania Recall of Snickers: THAT STUPID UECKER CLIP FOR THE FIVE BILLIONTH TIME IN THE LAST THREE YEARS. Please burn the tape.

Tyson Tomko (Jacksonville, FL, 285 pounds) vs World Tag Team Champion William Regal (Blackpool, England, 240 pounds) - This match doesn't interest me. Even a week later - if, say, I didn't bother to get to this till the next Sunday. No way that'd happen. Lockup, Tomko forces Regal into the corner and they get oddly tangled. Speaking odd, Ivory invents the phrase "mat technology", and Todd calls her on it! Tomko gets in a cheap forearm, followed by a less cheap forearm choke. Regal sneaks ot of the corner for a European Uppercut and a pose. Okay, back in the circle. Lockup. Tomko with an armbar, wristlock. Regal tries to roll his way out of it, somehow falls down in the process and Tomko is somehow alert enough to cinch in the wristlock given the opportunity. One two no. Regal kips up, but gets spun back down. One two no. Regal stands back up, roll again, armdrag, Tomko out mat wrestlers him with a hammerlock. This is certainty odd. Ivory ignores logic by shouting down the other person, showing all the signs of a fine RAW announcer someday. Regal backed into the corner, and given a shoulder to the midsection. Kick, right,  Shoulder. Scoop, slam. One two no. Tomko not sure what he wants to do, but ends up with a running snap mare. Right hand, one two no. Ivory just did the worst cockney accent possible, and that's an easy one to be awful in. Chinlock, Ivory whines about it being a choke. Regal battles up, stopped by a knee. Tomko off the ropes, into a Regal back elbow. Off the ropes, shoulderblock, one t-no.  Shoulderblock, one. Clothesline, back elbow, one, no, one, no, one, no, one, no, ONE, NO!, one NO! gasp. Please shut up Ivory. Regal goes for the corner punches and since they NEVER work, something's about to happen. This time, it's Christian to the rescue at 7 - Regal slugs him off the apron, but turns into the Tomko big boot. One two there. (4:28) Ivory: "Oh my goodness! It seems that Christian was the Problem Solver's problem solver!" Oh my goodness.

Next: Ric Flair vs Val Venis
Next: HHH and Batista aren't a happy couple - wait, which is it?

RAW Live
Monday - Long Island, NY [RAW]
Tuesday - Poughkeepsie, NY
Wednesday - Wilkes-Barre, PA
Next Sunday - San Juan, PR [PPV]
Next Monday - Ft. Lauderdale, FL [RAW]

Beat the Clock recap. Edgeucator! You think someone might remember the old name of his book? CAPITAL LETTERS CAPITAL LETTERS IVORY'S DRIVEN ME INSANE! I loved using decks with the Edgeucators, because they were counter intuitive, and if I was going to suck (and I was!) then I wanted to suck in a completely different way. So if he was so tired he couldn't get his arm up, how could he get his foot on the rope? (2:40)

NYR: Batista vs Triple H vs Chris Benoit vs Chris Jericho vs Randy Orton vs Edge in an Elimination Chamber match for the World Heavyweight Championship with Shawn Michaels as special guest referee

Next: Ric Flair vs Val Venis

Val Venis (Las Vegas, NV, 234 pounds) vs Ric Flair (Charlotte, NC) - Val gazes at Ivory because he's insane. "MAYBE HE'S GOING TO THROW ME HIS SWEATY TOWEL, TODD, WHAT DO YOU THINK?" Flair is weightless. Flair also says something in Todd and Ivory's direction, but they seem to ignore him. Fake handshake with the fans, always fun. So let's get this out of the way - there's no way Ric Flair should be wrestling on Heat, there's no way they should even be asking him to wrestle on Heat. (Would they have asked Hogan? Is there any way Hogan would've said yes?) But Val's gotta be pretty stoked about this, and so is the crowd. Ivory: "These men are both razzle dazzle with the ladies, I can tell you that." They like running flea flickers? Wait, don't answer that. Val is trying to suppress the "oh my god, I'm wrestling Ric Flair" smile. Circle. Lockup, Val with a headlock, shot off, shoulderblock by Val. There's the smile. WOO. Val is disturbed. Lockup, Flair headlock, spin into a hammerlock, leg trip into a front facelock. Val reverse into a hammerlock, both getting back up as Val turns it into an armbar. Flair tries to armdrag out, but Val holds on. Foot on the rope works instead. Break. Strut. Val can't believe that. Circle? Yea. Lockup. Flair headlock, off the ropes, shoulerblock. Off the ropes, under (barely), and Flair runs into the backdrop. Val is ready to get Flair up, and slams him down. Flair out to take a break. Earl Hebner holds Val back for a sec, but he slips by to go after Flair. Flair in, Val in, Flair begging off, and working in the eyepoke. Chop. CHOP. Right. CHOP. Val chops back four time to less of a reaction. Ric takes back over, and punches him down in the corner. Snap mare, running kneedrop to the head. Val sells it like he's lost an eye. Flair waits for Val to get up, and chops him back down. St-rut. Chop. WOO. WOO.  Off the ropes, right hand blocked, Val's right is not.  Val right, right, Flair turns it around in the corner and corner whips him, charge in to Val's elbow. Val chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop (boos), corner whip, Flair rebounds into a backdrop. Val clothesline, clothesline, reverse neckbreaker. One two no. Kick. Corner punches? One two three four five six seven - still don't get to ten, though no one actually stops Val - corner whip, corner clothesline, with many clothesline-likes strikes to follow up. Val backs up and poses while Flair acts punch drunk before the Flop. Corner whip, charge in, clothesline. Corner punches! I'm getting this strange feeling I've seen this before - one two three four five six seven eight nine TEN! Flair Flops - into Val's knee! That's hilarious. Todd seems to think it was a clip, and he did stick out his forearm, but it was quite subtle. Flair clips out the knee again. Going to school. Figure Four? Yes. Val's right in the middle of the ring and selling it like painful horrible death. Can he hang on? Can he turn it around? Shoulders down- one tow NO.  Val reaching - tapping (6:28) WOO.

RAW: DEBATE. WOOHOO.

That's it. Let's NEVER do that again.