Pre-Heat Bond: oh no he's going to kill him with FLAMING KABOBS. Wow, that was a pretty shabby attempt at killing someone with FLAMING KABOBS. I need to stop taping five minutes before this show.

TV PG DV CC entertainment open - what happens first, they change this open or they take tough enough out of the WWEopen? - fireworks

the Hurricane (215 pounds) vs Heat GM Steven Richards (Philadelphia, PA, 230 pounds) - Al: "We're live and you're definitely in color. Not green this week." Your announcers are indeed Al and Coach and they can't believe Backlash is only a week away. Uh oh, Steven's got new tights and they don't have the Heat logo on them anymore. Fink's ring announcement for him is really buried in the sound mix for whatever reason. The big news from Monday according to these two: the handicap match at Backlash. Coach is talking about the many times he's had sex with Trish. HEY, who stole Hurricane's shirt? Steven's still ticked off and Coach is not sure why; Victoria is not here again and again Al dances around the subject without actually saying "Victoria" or "broke up". Lockup, no, Hurricane behind in waistlock, standing switch, Hurricane with an armdrag takedown out into an wristlock. Up into a headlock. Whip, reversed, Steven over, sunset flip, Hurricane with the roll through pose. I guess the SR on his pants is supposed to be a parody of Mattitude. Circle. Lockup, Hurricane armbar, under for a fireman's carry, into a chinlock. Steven battling up to his feet, elbow, nothing, elbow, nothing, shot to the back, Hurricane shot off, Hurricane shoulderblock. Hurricane off the ropes, roll over and an armdrag into an armbar. Knee into the shoulder. Al quotes Mick Foley's interview for fun. Steven back to his feet, still in the armbar. Using the hair to take control, whip, head down too soon, Hurricane with a sunset flip, Steven sits down and chokes him! Much better than a pose. Holding on for four, then arguing the count. Hurricane retreats to the corner, and slugs Steven when he follows. Right hand, and Steven begs off as Jack Doan warns Hurricane about closed fists. Hurricane advances again, and Steven leverages him out of the ring, through the ropes. Steven out to collect Hurricane, back in, kick to Hurricane's butt, kick to Hurricane's butt. HE'S FOUND HIS BODY PART! Steven turns Hurricane in the corner, and uses shoulders to the lower back. Back suplex! Steven with a walking pose. Very talented. Sizing up and kicking the lower back. Again. Side backbreaker. One two no. Snap mare, knee to the back, knee to the back, fighting for it and putting on a kneeling surfboard. Heat is Live next week. Hurricane battling up, but Steven stops him with forearms to the lower back. Steven driving his own head into Hurricane's back, forcing him down into the kneeling surfboard. Hurricane battling up, trying to turn it, Steven stops it with a kick. Corner whip, charge in but no one's home. Hurricane with wacky entry into a normal reverse neckbreaker and now both are down one two three four five Hurricane up first using the ropes. Steven's right is blocked, Hurricane's is not. Hurricane right. Hurricane right. Steven with a kick, off the ropes, into a clothesline, Clothesline. Hurricane kick, talking it over, straight jacket Edge-O-Matic one two NO. Hurricane with corner punches, one two three four five Steven takes Hurricane off the top rope, Hurricane socks him with the bollo uppercut. While Al is oblivious to the lack of Stevie Night Heat shorts, Coach reveals that he's thinking off opting out of his Sunday Night Heat contract! Yes! Hurricane calling for it, Shining Wizard is ducked, Steven with a kick, split legged faceslam one two NO! I guess Ivory's gone? No one knows. "STEEVEET!" Amazingly, Hurricane had the foresight to block it. Twice. Northern Lights Suplex one two NO. Coach is annoying. Steven with an eye poke to take back control. Hurricane sat on the second rope, but he blocks Steven's punch and gets in a thumb to the eye. Overcast! One two NO! Hurricane calling for something. Hurricane's nose is bleeding? Must've been on the faceslam. Eye of the Hurricane - no, shoved off towards Jack Doan, Hurricane pulls up at the last second, Steven inside cradle, hook the ropes one two THREE! (7:18) Don't mess with the possible ex-boss!

Tonight: Val Venis vs Garrison Cade. No, don't go!
Next: You can refer to him as Mr. Benjamin, I hear.

Backlash: Chris Benoit (c) vs Shawn Michaels vs Triple H
Spike TV: Lots O' Star Trek
Subway (Atkins salad - and free cookie day April 15th!)
Gatorade X-Factor
Twix (Birthday Party)
Resident Evil: Outbreak
the Punisher
NBA Street 3 Ballers
Spike TV (mirror)

Your announcers are Al and Coach. still. 

Rematch and beatdown. Couldn't they have gotten him real entrance music? Coach: "And maybe now, he'll learn a fluke or two doesn't put him in the same league as Triple H." He is a heel, you know. We're saying 15 stitches. (4:18)
Later: Foley, Benoit, Michaels talk to Bischoff
Next: Rosey

RAW Live
Monday - Chicago, IL [RAW]
Next Sunday - Edmonton, AB [Backlash]
Next Monday - Calgary, AB [RAW]
Next Friday - St. Paul, MN [WMRevenge]
Next Saturday - Kansas City, KS [WMRevenge]

MXC: New Season (4/22) and Almost Live Special
YJ Stinger (Eddie)
Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow
Starburst (flying fish)
Monster (barney's)
Reebox: Undercover Fury
RAW in Chicago this Monday (local) - with actual hype for this week's main event! I'm still not going!
FX Original Movie: Redemption

Drakengard new #1 contender (women's) of Monday

Rosey (350 pounds, w/Hurricane's music) vs Slam Shady (talked over, already outside the ring) - 

Coach: "If I have to listen to this music one more time, I might throw up."
Al: "the Hurricane's is my favorite superhero next to Black Adam"
Coach: "What about the White Shadow? Why does it always have to be a color character?"
Al: "The White Shadow was a basketball coach"
Coach: "Oh, that's right. Different show. My bad."

Heat is brought to you by the Punisher, Subway, XBox. Al does work in the "playing by/with yourself joke." Slam Shady is totally one of those names non-wrestling people make up when trying to create fake wrestling people, you know? 

Al: "How much training do you have to do to be a superhero?"
Coach: [missing the joke entirely] "Obviously, not very much."
Al: "When is he going to get his own superhero outfit?"

Slam poses. Thanks for that. Lockup. Slam thrown down. Rosey wants a handshake? He gets it slapped, anyway. Bicep pose. Not by Rosey. Slam with a knee, front facelock, lots of talking. Rosey walks Slam into the corner - wait, no, he's going to lift him up and put him on the top rope. Break, allowing Rosey to fix the mask, pose, and double bicep pose. Lion pose! Coach: "I don't think I've seen anything more ridiculous that that." Coach: "Yea, you have. You've seen yourself naked in the mirror, c'mon." Slam focuses himself, charge, kick is caught, Rosey spins him around and Slam gets in an eye poke. Slam looks at the crowd, the crowd looks...bored. Slam tries a slam! It doesn't work! Let's end this match now! Rosey scoops Slam, walks around with Slam, and tosses Slam. Slam rolls out and fools around, only slightly slowing the pace of this match down. Why are we getting a Rosey squash? Slam up the apron, Rosey's lured in and gets his head snapped over the top rope. Slam with kicks. And punches. And then some kicks. Rosey's left leg set up on middle rope, but Slam gets shoved away. Slam up and kicks the leg some more. Cranking the leg. Rosey's leg hurts to much, he can't fix his mask. Corner whip by Slam? No. No. Forearm. Take 3, reversed, Slam rebounds out and gets clotheslined. Clothesline by Rosey. Chest slap. Al: "He's even taller than he is now." Corner whip, Rosey with a corner charge squash for Slam. Slam out of it but stumbling towards Rosey. Scoop spinned out into a side slam almost goes horribly neck breaking wrong, what a way to end it. One two three (3:28) Slam had no idea what he was taking or something, because he tried to land on his feet or land face first or something besides the normal move

WWE in Mexico. (:44)
Tonight: Val Venis vs Garrison Cade
Next: sledgehammer

Walking Tall
This Just In
XBox (jungle)
Kill Bill Vol 2
Truth.com (free mask)
Milky Way
Taco Bell (cheating salad)
MXC: New Season
Spike TV: generic logos

WWE RAW Backlash sponsored by Drakengard
Theme Song: "Eyes Wired Shut" by Edgewater
Backlash: Randy Orton vs Mick Foley in a no holds barred match for the Intercontinental Championship with Evolution barred from ringside
Backlash: Edge (w/broken wrist) vs Kane
Backlash: Chris Jericho vs Christian & Trish in a handicap match
Backlash: Victoria (c) vs Lita for the Women's Championship - Al thinks Victoria won the title at WM
Backlash: Shawn Michaels vs Chris Benoit (c) vs Triple H in a Final Encounter Triple Threat Match for the World Heavyweight Championship

Bischoff calls out the good guys. Foley looked tall here. The faces being ready for the "sneak" attack through the crowd is a self-indictment of the writing, right? (3:17)
RAW: Evolution vs Shelton Benjamin, Shawn Michaels, World Heavyweight Champion Chris Benoit and Mick Foley

Up Next: Val Venis vs Garrison Cade

Backlash: Randy Orton vs Mick Foley
PPV Boxing, Chris Byrd vs Andrew Golota, John Ruiz vs Fres Oquendo, 4/17
Kill Bill Vol 2
Snickers (old lady)
Gatorade (street ball)
Texas Chainsaw Masscare DVD
Subway: Atkins Salad and free (low carb! boo) cookie day, 4/15
the Punisher
MXC: new season 4/22. Funny how they use the evil black bar

Punisher Coach assistance of last Monday. Can you believe that we're building to Coach getting kicked in the face?

Val Venis (Las Vegas, NV, 242 pounds) vs - Coach says the heavy chicks need love too. Who gave Val the mic? I bet I know what he says first! "Hello Ladies! [Coach: Hello Val!] You know something, the big Valbowski loves to get his women strawberries, chocolate, whipped cream, but nothing goes down better than a cup of hot water and a tea bag." Coach: [laughs like he's been shocked with thousands of volts of electricity]

Val Venis vs Garrison Cade (San Antonio, TX, 266 pounds) - Coach: "HE SAID TEA BAG!" I wonder who came up with that joke. Garrison has a new video and a stare of contempt for all. Lockup, Garrison into the ropes, Val into the ropes, Garrison into the ropes, Val into the corner, Val armdrag to stop this. Coach and Al have lost their mind with tea bag jokes. Coach: "because even though I'm not the most professional guy". Garrison is complaining about a hairpull on that armdrag. Lockup, Val with a headlock. Shot off, back with a shoulderblock. Garrison takes an armdrag so bad it makes Al yells "WOW". Armbar. Knee to head. Val with a hammerlock, Garrison trying to walk away from it but just going in circles. Val drags him down. Knee to the hammerlock. Knee to the hammerlock. Knee to the hammerlock. Wacky hammerlock Indian Deathlock hip swivel time. Back to an armbar, spinning Cade down to the mat. Cade hooks the ropes to get free, because that's the only way it's happening. Val and Mike Choida have a long discussion about rope breaks, and when Val finally moves Choida aside, he gets slapped by Cade. Cade does a lot of yelling and no following up. Val gathers himself, checks the mark on his face, and isn't happy. Val charges Cade, Cade runs for his life. Out of the ring, in the ring, Cade tries to ambush Val with an elbow drop as he comes in, but Val moves out of the way. Chop, chop, right, whip, back elbow. Slam, Val yells, off the ropes, knee drop. One two NO. Val with a face slap that knocks Cade out of the ring. Val is ticked, but Choida isn't letting him out of the ring. Val slips by him and pulls Cade up to the apron, only to get a shoulder the midsection. Cade holding his face but back in. Right hand. Whip, reversed into the holding knee, calling for it, running knee on the ropes, Russian legsweep. Standing over him hip swivel and punches from above. Another word with Choida. Cade calling for a time out, then trying to push Val in the corner, only for his punch to be blocked and Val's not. Choida really must have something on these two, because Coach and Al do their weekly kiss up to him. Val off the ropes, and Cade chucks him out of the ring. Break time. (4:43)

MXC New Season: 4/22, Almost Live Special
Drakengard
Monster.com (production manager)
Sour Starburst (see the baby)
YJ Stinger (Cena rap #1)
Virgin Mobile (kosher)
Comcast Cable (HD, broadcast network)
Comcast Internet Cable (better than car)
This Just In (going to vegas)
Spike TV (armwrestling)

RAW: 8 Man Battle (:28)

Back, just in time to see Cade slam Val. Cade walking, picking his spot, kick to the side. Hard corner whip. Pose. Cade not in a hurry. Cover one two no. Snap mare. Straight jacket chinlock. Val trying to rally back, crowd with him. To his feet, trying to lift out of the hold. Turning it, turning it, turning it, turned it too far and Cade has it back on again. Val taken back down to his knee for the chinlock. Cade working in a knee to eh back. Val battling back up, backing up Cade into the ropes, and using them for a double armdrag on Cade. Val with a kick, chop, chop, corner whip, reversed, and down goes Val. Both men are slowed. Cade charges Val in the corner and gets a boot. Cade up first again, charges again, Val moves, inside cradle on the rebound one two no. Val with a chop, corner whip, Cade stops short in the corner, gives Val a back elbow as he charges in behind him, then remembers they were supposed to knock heads there and falls down without having actually been hit. Beautiful looking mess. Both down. One two three four five six Val up first. Val blocks Cade's punch, right, right, right, Cade stops him with a knee. Cade off the ropes, into a clothesline. Val back elbow, Val right hand. Corner punches one two three four five and shoved off - is anyone ever going to get to ten on one of those again? Cade misses a clothesline, Val back suplex powerbomb one two NO. Val grabs Cade, suplex blocked, suplex blocked, Cade with a shots to the gut, Cade suplex blocked. Announcers theorize that we might not get a finish tonight. Cade suplex blocked again. Val with forearms to the back, will he be able to do a suplex? Val suplex blocked for third time (fifth combined!) Cade with the suplex, but Val lands behind anyway. Waistlock, Val rushes Cade into the ropes and uses a reverse rollup on the rebound, one two NO. Cade with a kick, DDT. Is that it? Much to Al's displeasure, Cade's going up. Top rope elbow connects. That'll do it - one two three (5:20, 10:03) Cade wants his arm raised on the outside for whatever reason.

RAW: 8 Man Tag Team Match

That's it.