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Earlier Today, Heat GM Steven Richards was impressed with one those medical golf cart things (I guess it doesn't take much - oh wait, he's taped StevieCorp to the front so it surely is their latest acquisition) when Test stopped by to annoy.

T: "Hey, loser."
SR: "Oh, hi Test. You need a ride anywhere? I got a couple extra seats."
T: No, I don't need a ride. But speaking for things I would like to take for a ride - your woman, Victoria. The ONLY reason that you beat me last week was because she distracted me, I mean, she was bent over [acting this out], right in front of me, touching her toes, and she wearing was in that tight spandex, and I just want to go right behind her and go 'Yea baby, it's me Test-'. Listen, that's besides the point. I want a rematch tonight. And I'm going to beat you down so bad that you're never going to be able to satisfy her again! And that where I step up in, baby! Because once you go Test, you forget about the rest! [happy with himself]
SR: [thinks] Are you sure you don't need a ride somewhere? I've got StevieCorp 1, ready to fire up and go.
T: NO, I DON'T NEED A DAMN RIDE! [kicks tire, hurts foot, hobbles off in anger.]

open. Lord, Steven's the sane one in this feud.

this is a Test (282 pounds) vs Heat GM Steven Richards (Philadelphia, PA, 230 pounds) - Al: "Feliz año nuevo Coachie!" EWWW, he's licking his muscles. Coach and Al are still hung over from New Years. The only problem with Test's story is that, like this week, Victoria wasn't at ringside with Test. Also, it wasn't last week. But otherwise, no problem. Oh wait, here is Victoria - she's getting her own entrance? That's quite an outfit. Stevie watches her walk down, but we don't get to see the expression on his face. Test has a dumb look on his face, but you already knew that. He is smart enough to ambush Steven from behind. Blowing kisses for Victoria. Steven thrown in, and we get started. Stomped down. Everyone agrees that going from being with Heat GM to Test is a step down. Test with punches on the mat. Test saying hi to Victoria some more. Gutwrench into a shoulder backbreaker hold. Holding him up there, but not really cranking it. Steven trying to rally the crowd and, kinda failing that, uses the ropes to flip back over on to his feet. Right, right, (calling Test out) right is ducked, full nelson release suplex - no, Steven blocks it and reverses into a knee, yellllllll suplex works! Off the ropes, swinging neckbreaker. Steven's on fire. Bulldog! One two NO. Coach: "Leave it to you be so observant about what's going on outside the ring and inside the ring." Good thing someone is! Chop. Whip, reversed into a a short knee. Pumphandle? Sure. Steven slips out before Test gets him on his shoulder. Right is caught - full nelson release suplex! One two Test pulls him up! ooooooooooooooh. Coach and Al decide that's really cocky, and something they would do. Choke one the ropes? No, he ties him in between the top and middle rope - oh no, he's gonna murder Steven with the boot! Chad Patten gets to untying, but more helpful is Victoria slipping in. Victoria spins Test around - slap! Test is cocky - Coach: "Sometimes women like you when you do that" - and there's the big kiss. Victoria pushes at him (Coach: "See, she's not pushing away", Al: "No means yes.") but seems almost okay with after. Feeling up Test's pec - big low blow kick! Steven is free and rolling up Test with leverage from the ropes one two three (2:26) Your announcers call everything with high pitched voices. Steven is TWO for TWO.

Tonight: Lance Storm and Val Venis vs La Resistance

Rico (Las Vegas, NV, 248 pounds, w/Miss Jackie) vs Brandon Groom (already in the ring, Coach talks over introduction) - Not only do you get a CD with all songs Coach approved, but a bonus DVD hosted by the Coach, which is good enough for him. This is the Babaganooch match of the week. The flying nothing looks even worse than normal this week, with Rico trying to land chin first on a boot that was never raised, exposing that even if when he actually was successful, he wasn't doing anything. Coach: "Going for the ........" Al: "...big cross body block off the top rope, trying to fill in the blanks." Rude Awakening one two three. (3:47)

Tonight: Lance Storm and Val Venis vs La Resistance

Next, Kane saves Randy Orton? I guess.

Torque Booker T New Year's Resolution - good thing he didn't win on Monday, or he'd have nothing left for 2004!

So here's that title match. I bet I know how it'll turn out! They just showed us before the break. Ah, there's Kane. Let's see - Mark Henry laid out Booker before the match, and Kane distracted Booker during the match - Orton did a lot! Jim Ross's mention of Undertaker was so out of nowhere that you half expected him to show up that night, right? (3:18)

Next: Matt Hardy vs Tommy Dreamer. Oh poor Matt

Tommy Dreamer (Yonkers, NY, 252 pounds, w/cane) vs Matt Hardy (Version One, Cameron, NC, 228 pounds) - Ted wants to me to point out Dreamer's shiny pants. Matt Facts: Matt's first job was at a carwash. Matt is more extreme than Tommy Dreamer. Matt has the green pants tonight, speaking of pants. Lockup, into a hammerlock, Matt shoves Dreamer. VEEONEUHHHHHH. Dreamer checks out the hand signal and slaps. Drop toe hold, Slam. Matt backs off, and manages to trip Dreamer out the ring- but Dreamer is sanding and Matt doesn't realize it . Matt tripped up and pulled out. Kick, DDT on the floor? NO, matt blocks and runs him into the apron. Slam on the outside! Dreamer thrown in. Kick to the ribs. Waiting, kick to the rib. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Elbow drop. Al says that Matt is "beating the shine off [Dreamer's] pants" but they're more wrapped up in the Austin is back stuff. I guess that video package is next?  Corner whip, reversed, Dreamer charging into a back elbow. Matt going up for a moonsault? Dreamer crotches him anyway. Dreamer up behind him, but Matt back elbows him down. He's hurting and slow to his next move. What's he going to do here? Moonsault (Coach: "Shades of his ex"), but "no one's home, much like now when he goes to his home in Cameron, NC." Coach is mean, but true. Coach of course thinks Matt's better off not being tied down to one woman. Both up, Matt with a right, Dreamer with a right. Matt with a right Dreamer with a right. Matt with a right, Dreamer with a right. Matt with a right - no, blocked, Dreamer right, right. swinging neckbreaker. Corner whip, reversed, Matt tries a corner clothesline but Dreamer's ducked out, reverse neckbreaker one two no. Al thinks Matt has been off his game since the whole thing with Lita, and especially since jumping from SmackDown! to RAW. I guess he realizes Matt's down to beating Tommy Dreamer on Heat too. Whip, reversed into the Side Effect is elbowed out, Dreamer full nelson into a reverse DDT one two no. Fireman's carry, no, Matt slips out, clothesline ducked, Side Effect. (COACH CALLS IT!!!) One two NO. Matt goes for the stick, as Al reminds us Dreamer doesn't like people touching his stick. Swing and a miss, TD Bomb one two NO. Coach says that's Al's favorite move - Al: "Backdrop Bomb! It was so popular, D'Lo Brown, who used to be in the WWE, stole it from me and now Tommy Dreamer's taken it from me." Coach says happy New Year to D'Lo. Tommy has the cane and goes to the second rope, but Matt punches him before he can do anything. Twist Of Fate off the second rope! one two three (4:27) Matt is as happy about beating Tommy Dreamer as you should be - actually, probably a little bit more than you should.

Next: Title match.

Can't her heart just stop moving?

Y2J Stinger not co-GM

Title Match and Post Match (9:28) What powers does Steve Austin have?

Next: Lance Storm and Val Venis vs La Resistance

Raw Live
Monday - Memphis, TN [RAW]
Friday - Oshawa, ONT [RRTWXX]
Saturday - Halifax, NS [RRTWXX]
Sunday - St. John's, NF [RRTWXX]
Next Monday - Long Island, NY [RAW]

Val Venis & Lance Storm (472 pounds, w/ladies) vs La Resistance (René & Rob, 502 pounds) - Shot of women. Coach: "I'm begging our cameraman - find the hot chicks! We do not let ugly chicks on Heat!" This is the match where people chant USA for Conway, right? They haven't taken Greiner out of the video, yet. There's the USA chant. Lockup, Conway with a headlock, Storm armdrags out into an armbar. Twist, into a waistlock. Rob headbutts the wristlock to reverse it! Armbar. Storm forward handstands to a reversal, armbar of his own, into a headlock. Battling to the corner, Rob goes in, and  slowly break - Conway with a right hand. Al and Coach can't figure out what the women see in Storm, though Al has heard rumors about "it being something like a side show attraction when he comes out of the shower." Right. Corner whip, reversed, Storm kips up and out, right. Ladies remember they're supposed to clap for Lance. But mostly look bored. Tag to Rene. René wants to shove. Lance shoves back. Lockup, Storm with a waistlock, René reverses to his own, Coach and Al have some how challenged each other to a match on Heat one week, Storm with a hammerlock, René elbows out. Headlock. Tag to Val. Coach notes it's Choida as ref - "good thing we've got a great referee doing this match." Whip, slam by Val, Storm with an elbow drop, Val with an elbow drop, Val covers one two no. Al: "That's the other rumor I've heard about Val Venis, Lance Storm and young women - good teamwork." Val with a chop. Right. Chop. Right, Now René coming back with punches and chops. Turnbuckle smash, tag to to Conway. Whip, reversed, back elbow by Val. Slam. Yell. Val off the ropes, knee drop. One two no. Corner whip, Back elbow for René and a bit boot for Conway as he charges in. Val goes to the second rope, but René pushes him off by the throat. Lance wants in, but that gives Conway time to stop Val to the floor. Takes a while, so Choida actually catches René getting in punches and is warned. Conway with a cover one two no. Tag to Rene, while Conway gets in a last few punches. Snap mare, chinlock. USA chant! Val with elbows to escape, as the announcers talk about La Resistance and never say Grenier. Whip, head down too soon and Val kicks it. Rene's punch is ducked, and Val tries the half nelson, but René blocks it and back elbows out. Whip, reversed into the half nelson release suplex. Coach has a look speech about the greatness of having a different women in every town. Tag to Storm, tag to Conway. Storm with a clothesline, clothesline, whip, dropkick. René misses a clothesline. Lance with a right, right, leg lariat. Forward roll slam on Conway one two NO. Corner whip, charge in, Storm backdropped, lands on the apron, right hand for Conway. Springboard dropkick one two René break sit up. Val in and taking René out of the ring, then signaling to Storm. Whip, off the ropes, spinebuster lift, Storm off the ropes but René clocks him with a forearm. Val puts down Conway to swing at Rene, and gets clotheslined out by Conway. Storm misses a right hand, big back suplex but he lands on his feet. René grabs a leg, Storm tires to get loose, Conway with a big DDT one two THREE. (5:40) The ladies remember this is where they're supposed to be upset. Coach: "Those are looks we see on a lot of women's faces every single day, confusion and shock, as to why they're hanging out with losers." Wait, Coach sees that? René gets the dance in - now! Wave your flag.

That's it.