Skip to the line. Or don't say you weren't warned.
So, like, I did half of this - in and out with the play by play and maybe a little bit of the segments on Sunday. And now it's Thursday night, and I'm tired but I'm not gonna really get another shot at doing this before it's a week late. And even though Kai En Tai were really funny and enjoyed there skits except for the really LAME payoff - (WARNING: Massive tangent ahead!) why do they do that week after week after week? A desire to have a running storyline through the hour doesn't really help if the ending makes the person feel let down and like they wasted a whole bunch of time - uh oh, I feel a list coming on:
The only two ones that have had decent endings (that I've recapped) was Dean getting dumped on by Lita (but then the set up to that was quite lame) and the Dudley Boyz giving Santa Claus a table ride. Hitting .333 is fine for baseball, but bad for Heat. Or at least for me watching Heat.
Anyway, back to Kai En Tai. They were funny (not "keep a copy for a ever funny", but "this wasn't a total waste of my time" funny), like I said, but I don't really care enough to recap it. It's not just that they're pointless, because I recap a lot of pointless stuff. It's that the pain they are to get across outweighs the pleasure the segment might bring. Even transcription, as enormous pain it is (that CRZ dude is INSANE, I tell you), doesn't really get across the scene well enough for me to be happy with it, despite the work.
I dunno. If you wanted to know all the little bits that happened here, you're out of luck (but you probably should've watched the show - or read a recap that wasn't five days late), but, I want to know if the band was in on the invasion in the Daft Punk video and I'm probably out of luck right now. The point is that I'm probably going to blow off all the non-match stuff, unless someone does something that really strikes me, and I'm gonna not feel guilty about not doing this recap "right." I'm setting the bar so low that someone, maybe YOU, can easily top it.
I think the fact that I spent much time thinking about appropriate ways to recap a B-level wrestling show says a lot about my growing insanity. (I'm sure the crappy storylines here say a lot about the current writing team's ability to do another two hour show and keep them all interesting, but that's a story for another time.)
wwf world leader (TV PG LV)
Earlier today - Michael Cole was practicing his play by play in the back ("BENOIT! BENOIT! CROSSFACE! CROSSFACE! BENOIT!"), as Tazz was preparing in his own way (sleeping.) The Germ interrupts and wakes him up (and then gets put in an armbar submission before Tazz realizes it's not Cole) - apparently, there's some short guy in black who's attacking people in the back. Quite likely a ninja, and definitely after Kai En Tai. Tazz (slow to realize why Kai En Tai is here) and Cole tell the Germ to tell Kai En Tai what's going on. See, I hopes this might be Tajiri and no, it wasn't. Then I had hopes it would be Kwang.
Intro.
We're two weeks away from WM, but physically, we're in WWF NY - and Kai En Tai are being stalked by some sort of Ninja.
Kai En Tai are on stage and have been shopping at Nike Town. TAKA and Funaki are here and hip. TAKA commands Funaki to dance. "Dance Baby Dance!" Martial demonstration later. "Dance Funaki Dance!" InDEED.
Your hosts are Tazz and Michael Cole. Tazz says Joey Numbers says it's the HEAD Ninja who's after Kai En Tai, uh oh.
WM is 14 days away.
TAKA and Funaki tell a security guy that they don't need his help - they're evil. Meanwhile, they're being stalked by the Ninja.
Crash (w/Molly Holly) vs WWF Light Heavyweight Champion Dean Malenko for the Light Heavyweight Title - Is Dean worried about Chris Benoit? Circle. Lockup. Headlock take down by Dean, leg scissors reversal, both back up, now they do the other spots, both back up, Dean with a kick, whip, hiptoss reverse into one of Crash's own. Slam. Right, corner whip, charge, Dean gets a boot up, runs out right into a powerslam for 2. Dean with a kick, and throws Crash shoulder first into the ring post. Kick. Dean with a submission move I can't place - maybe a half nelson, double arm pull combination? Tazz doesn't say the name so he must be confused too. Michael Cole - is dumb. No reason in particular. Let go, and a shot to the back. Push in the corner, kick, kick, boot choke. Chop. Corner whip, Crash rebounds out backwards and tries to fight out of the back suplex but doesn't. Corner whip, shoulders to the gut, put Crash on the top, another right - superplex is blocked, Crash pushes him off - missile dropkick connects. He covers one two kickout. Right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, right, right, corner whip, reversed right into a right, kick, corner whip by Dean, he follows in Crash kips up, Dean goes behind, Crash goes behind, Crash tries him up and gets 2, Dean reverses for 2. Crash backslide for 2. Whip, reversed, sunset flip by Crash but Dean rolls right out and goes for the clover leaf - can he step over, yes, it's locked in. Molly is up on the apron (to distract the ref?) - Dean lets go and KISSES HER. Molly is shocked and backs off the apron, Dean is happy with himself - Crash is rolling up for one two NO. Fans thought title change. Dean up and Crash down with a clothesline. Crash clotheslined out. Crash grabs the belt and comes back in, the ref looks at him and doesn't see Molly come off the trop rope with the 450 Thesz press! Crash with a Oklahoma Rollup one two three! (4:48) There's your new Light Heavyweight Champion. Crash celebrates on the ramp. Dean isn't happy.
WM Moment: Hogan slams Andre, then hits the legdrop for the win.
In the back, Kai En Tai are checking on the food. It sucks. They'll get their own. "InDEED." The Ninja is right behind them.
Val Venis (w/Women's Champion Ivory) vs Raven - Tazz got involved because Steven involved. We're told that Raven was asked to join the RTC in the back earlier today, and I assume he said no. Man, I would've loved to see that segment. Lockup, there's the WWF NY, push in the corner. Backing up for a clean break, and Val pushes Raven for the corner. And no clean break there (because Val's a hypocrite), knee, knee. Right, now Raven with a series of rights, till Val takes the short cut and gets in his punches. Right. Corner whip, reversed, clothesline by Raven. Whip, shot to the gut, Mr. Wrestling #1 high knee. Pick up, push in the corner, right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp. Raven backs up for a second, and Val gets a kick to the ribs in. Whip, back elbow, elbow drop, off the ropes, knee drop, no cover, punches to the head instead. Choke on the ropes. Ivory preaches to Raven on the outside, and Raven reaches for her as the ref pulls Val off, but Ivory moves out of the way, then gets a slap in as Val resumes the choke. Now Val lets up on the choke, raven with punches, whip, reversed, high knee, hold on to run into another high knee and then a side Russian legsweep, cover for 2. Chinlock on the ground. Raven back up, elbows out, off the ropes, shoulderblock. Off the ropes, shoulderblock, over the top, right, right, right, right, corner whip, Bronco Billie combo, cover, but Ivory's distracting the ref - Steven Richards is in, and gets knocked down right then. Raven starts to motion after Ivory, but Val grabs Raven and holds him for the Steven Kick - Raven ducks, Val doesn't, DDT for Steven, cover on Val. (3:55) Cole calls it a Stevie Kick. Old times, that DDT there - that's the first interaction those have had here, I think. Raven celebrates and that's all we see of that.
Backstage, Kai En Tai make dinner through impossible means. I never knew sushi could be made like that. Also, the ninja's throwing stars (well, triangles?) miss, but he's still on the trail.
The Albert Slim Jim run in of the week.
Tazz and Michael Cole talk more about that new alliance and WM as Albert, Justin Credible and X-Pac come to the ring. X-Pac talks slow enough to work for me: "You know something - go ahead, get it all out now, because I want you to shut the hell up and listen to what I have to say - you know, when I first came to the World Wrestling Federation in 1993, well they decided that I'd be called the 1-2-3 Kid. Now let me ask you something - how in the hell are you supposed to get an ounce of respect with a name like the 1-2-3 Kid? It didn't matter, one top guy after another that I beat, week in and week out, it didn't matter, because I still didn't get the top matches, because I was just the 1-2-3 Kid. I was waiting for the big money, never came, because I was just a Kid. [1-2-3 chant - HA] There, to fast forward a little bit, I came back, and I put Degeneration X on the map again. It was it's on my ass, and they were my concepts and my ideas - Degeneration X was my attitude. But did I get the top matches, the big money, the TV time, the movie days? No! You wanna know why? I was just a follower - I was just a Kid! Well you know something, the Kid that all you people used to love is now the man you will hate. I am no longer a follower - I'm a leader. It's OUR time." Albert starts yelling "It's Our Time!" "It's not just your time, it's not just your time, it's OUR time to shine." Justin - the first time her in the WWF: "Now that's not just the coolest, that's just not the best - that my friends JUSTIN CREDIBLE." Cue his music. You would think Justin would have something to say about not getting the top shots, but I guess not.
Tazz and Cole talk. They do.
Backstage, TAKA and Funaki find the security officer. The Ninja's still following them.
Oh no, the security guard is OUT, thanks to the Ninja.
Chris Benoit vs Haku - Benoit gets a face pop. Lockup, Meng pushes him into the corner, Benoit armdrags him down. Test of strength, no Haku's gonna kick him, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, whip, Benoit slides under, he hits a dropkick to the left knee, dropkick to the left knee. Here's another lockup, no Haku escape, exchange of chops, Benoit off the ropes and right into the Kick of Fear. Stomp. Chop to the throat. Side backbreaker, hold on and pick up for another, Meng with the chain moves. Cover for 2. Stomp, stomp. Hard chop in the corner. Cross whip, charge in clothesline. Pummeling Benoit in the corner. Tongan dance and headbutt knocks him down. Stomp, kick to the back, pickup right to the head, right, right, corner whip, Haku charges and eats boot. But Haku's Still Standing and charges - right into a double boot. Benoit runs out, ducks the clothesline - Triple German Suplex on Meng! Benoit says it's over - wow, the fans all all with Benoit - flying headbutt misses. Both up, Haku kciks, but Benoit takes him down with a dragon legsweep. Both slow up - Haku goes for a clothesline but Benoit grabs his arm and he's in to the Crossface. Haku - must verbally submit because he sure doesn't tap. (4:05)
Kai En Tai are practicing their moves in the back. The rest of the security are there, but TAKA ditches them - then the Ninja takes them out.
Tazz and Michel Cole talk.
Kai En Tai is on the stage - and they call out the ninja. That shadow behind the that curtain might be a clue, Scooby. The Ninja can kick, but can't actually hit. TAKA gets a knee in and a palm shot and that ends that. Funaki throws him off stage. Well, that was quite pointless. They celebrate. Oh, he's back (or a replacement took the place while he was off stage), and they get him in a headlock and pull off the mask - it's the Germ. "InDEED" Cole: "What was the point?" Tazz: "Uh, I don't know." Cole, a little later: "I think the Germ is camera hungry." Tazz: "We know he's hungry because he's a very overweight man." Okay, that's enough of that.