I have no life. You didn't know that then, you know that now.
Anyway, any dreams or hopes of what good this could be was crushed days ago, so let's get right to reality.
Here's that intro. It's no worse than ECW one, and I'm saying that before it starts. We've got lifeguards, dressed exactly like a show you might have seen. Apparently, they're at a team. And so is the duo from prison. Man, someone spent all their money on vignettes. But definitely not acting. You know, it's the white chicks who are lifeguards and the black ones who are criminals. THINK ABOUT THAT. That's the only thought provoking thing you'll fine here, I think. The prison scene's still going. They're Caged Heat, but I'm not telling you their individual names, yet. And now they're in a van, going to the arena.
Here's some fireworks. David McLane does the introductions.
the Beach Patrol (Summer and Sandi) vs Caged Heat (Delta Lotta Pain and Loca)
The intro guy says "Sunny" instead of Summer (as listed on their website), and someone must have realized later that name's been used by someone before. We get a 30 second introduction video for the Beach Patrols. Do you need me to describe women in Baywatch bikini's doing beach-type stuff? Use your imagination, if needed. In the back, one of the prisoners says: "Where the bimbos?", immediately making them the faces in this matchup. The intro guy likes saying "Cages Heat is Unleashed!" for no particular reason. And they've got rap music, which they sing.
Loca and Delta attacks the intro guy, for no reason, and cut a promo. Say it with me: "Delta Lotta Pain." Keep saying it till the joke annoys. And our announcers? They'd be David McLane (the owner, but not mentioned as such) and Lee Marshall. I'm 4 minutes in, and I will never ever say a bad thing about RollerJam again. (Don't quote me on that.) Of course the criminals attack before the bell. They throw both of the Patrol out of the ring, and celebrate in the ring, and the bell finnaly rings. Both the Patrol gets shots into the mat, and thrown back in. The director can't stay on a shot for more than 2 seconds, which adds to the fun. Kicks in the corner by Loca, Caged Heat is on Work Release. That's the Nevada system, at work. Double whip, double reversed, and Caged Heat runs into each other. Double wishbone by the beach patrol. And there's another. Now the Beach patrol with one of those really painful pushdowns. Loca throws Sandi out, while Sunny puts on a Boston Crab on Delta. Delta's practically under the rope, but chooses to reverse it into a pinning cradle, but then Sunny reverses it again. (It's not near Dean/Eddie speed, but they're already better than the WCW women in that regard.) Sandi picks Delta up, but get an eye poke. Tag to Loca, double whip, double back elbow. Loca with a punch. There's our first hairpull takedown. Loca with a punch for Sunny, and another hairpull for Sandi. McLane: "We've got to take a pause for the cause, stay turned!"
We get one Benny Hill ad here. Hmm.
Delta's not to far from where we left her, 2 minutes ago. Whip, and Delta throws Sandi down by the hair. The announcers give that move a name "Caged Heat Buster", and when you're naming hair throws, it's not a good sign. On the good side, Sandi's got quite the wedgie going. 2 count. Delta pulls back on Sandi's arms, while stepping on her hair, and Sandi screams in pain for some reason I can't tell. And we do it again. Sandi reaches up and rolls Delta over. Race to tag, and Loca's in first, but Sunny's in second. Loca ducks under the clothesline and Loca with a punch. She takes her time, we get fifteen shots, and she hits a body slam. Pulled up by the hair, and we get *7* different camera shots within a three seconds. Shot to Sandi, allowing Delta to come in, and a double hiptoss. Loca walks on Sunny, then covers for the pin. Sunny breaks it up, an gets bead down by Delta. Delta and Loca tie the beach bimbos (sorry) into the ropes Here's the shots to the rings, and the ref calls for the bell. The ref rings the bell (DQ? 6:43, about 4:43 aired), but Caged Heat is going back to jail any way, so they might as well grab those orange boards (on the chance I do/did watch Baywatch, it wasn't to pay attention to what things were called), and attempt to hit the Beach Patrol with them, but the ref stops them. Come on, hit him - and they do, throwing the ref out of the ring. And now they're going ,mock the Beach patrol before beating them up. You gals have he personalities down, but those stomps suck. Now they're choking them out, and out for the save are...two women. Lee doesn't know either, and looks bad, not knowing the roster. (Then again, I was just looking at all the pics last night, and I don't remember either - must be the stupid names.) Whoever they are, they're thrown out. There's someone else, who may be Riot, making an unsuccessful save. In and out too fast to tell. Who's next? The Indian and another Island chick, but they're out. WHO CAN STOP CAGED HEAT? THE COP! Oh well. This promotion may suck, the gimmicks may suck, the wrestlers may suck, these two may have as many moves as their Gangasta counterparts, but at least they're kinda cool. David McLaine goes over to help, as the announcer finnaly says that Caged Heat was DQed.
WOWE.com plug - Coming up, a biker gang.
The PHONICS GAME? This is 3 AM, and I'm watching "Super Harlem Globetrotters" on Cartoon Network, I swear. I should've just taped Battledome and done THAT instead. (You know, it only took them a year to update their website.) Here's some more local ads of shows I won't be watching.
The biker gang were nice enough to wait for the commercial break to be over to get off their bikes
Thug (w/Charlie Davidson and EZ Rider) vs "A Four Time World Champion, and Role Model, The Real Deal" Selina Majors
We get the :30 video package for Harley's Angles (the thugs, duh), just in case you haven't yet figured out their biker chicks. Didn't Jeremy Borash once say on WCW Live, that he liked Ready to Rumble because you could turn your mind off and just watch the show and enjoy it? This is SO his show. They've got a pool cue as foreign object. The ref is - fat. Selina's like Kurt Angle, except she's supposed to be a face. Hmm. I wonder how that's going work. I think Thug cuts a promo on her. Lockup (lockup?) and Thug gets taken down, complaining about a hair pull. Marshall pretends he's Mike Tenay and these two have extensive backgrounds, but I'm not buying it. Lockup, headlock by Majors and she's got takedown, 2 count. Apparently, Thug ran in on the press conference they had, and it was shown on a whole bunch of shows I don't watch. (Anything with "morning" in it isn't good for me.) Thug's complaining about a hair pull again. Majors, with a headlock, off the ropes, shoulderblock Lee: "Selena didn't get that nickname, she earned...earned every letter of it." What, she was going around called "the Real De, Selina Majors"? Off the ropes, over Thug, off the ropes, bad hiptoss, I think. Lockup, and Thug pushes her into the corner . Forearm, forearm, forearm, whip, Thug charges in, Selina with a that sunset flip type rollup Booker T uses. Lockup, armbar by Thug, and she throws Selina down. She's working the armbar, but Selina kips up. Punch, punch, and Selina's thrown back in, still in the armbar. Selina kips up, punches, kick by Thug. Thug with a facelock. They've mentioned it many a time, so I will now: later, big battle royale for the WOW Title. I wonder if Caged Heat's involved. Selina gets the ropes. Thug with a push, Selina with punches, whip, reversed, Selina with a push down. Selina with a monkey flip. Selina with open hand slaps, hip toss, and she's saying it's over...off the ropes, splash to Thug's knees. Thug covers, 2 count, but Selina's foot on the ropes. Thug hangs Selina in the Tree Of Woe and gets in some knees. The ref pulls her Selina down (bias), and Thug continues working her over. Forearm, punch, side backbreaker! There's your running splash, and there's your 2 count. Here's the first chinlock. We look at Charlie and EZ, as we're stretching this out. Elbow, elbow, elbow, right hand off the ropes, DDT. Majors covers, but Thug's got a foot on the ropes. Thug throws Majors out in between the ropes, and a shot to the table. 2 on 1 beating, so it's time for a break.
An ad for a tax lawyer. And for diet vitamins. You too can be deathly thin, just like your favorite wrestler! Anyway, Selina doesn't seem like that bad of a wrestler (on the "American woman" sliding scale, of course) and Thug is better than anyone in the first match, but still, who's idea was it to make a 6+ minute match? No one here can handle it, and it shows.
We're back, and Selina hits a shot to gut, and a sunset flip from the apron. Thug's holding on the ropes, but the ref kicks her hands away (huh?) , 2 count. Whip by Thug, Head down to soon, Selina goes over, rolls her up, 2 count. Shot to the midsection, whip, back elbow by Thug. Cover, 2 count. I'd be ashamed if I won a match with a back elbow. Shots in the corner, corner whip, follow up clothesline (bad.) Cover, 2 count. Corner whip, Selina gets her feet up, Thug goes down, Selina to the second rope - cross body. Thug's in the ropes, again. Eye poke by Thug, and Selina goes out again. There's a one punch knockdown. The ref gets a name, but I'm not learning it. Selina thrown in, Thug still hitting her with blows. Selina throws Thug to the outside by her tights, and, when the rest of the group gather round, hits a baseball slide dropkick to everyone. Thug's back up, and pulled in by Selina. There's a right hand slap. And another, whip, reversed, Thesz Press by Selina, and she throws punches. The ref warns about clotheslined firsts, and Selina with the slingshot into the corner. Thug comes out, the ref's busy talking to someone, and doesn't see Selina get the boot in - STUNNER! I laughed for a minute after, but I don't know why. Selina with a running jackknife cover (don't ask me why she ran), but as the ref's talking to EZ, there's Charlie with the pool cue, breaking it, and then breaking it again over her back. Thug covers, 3 count. (12:46, including the break.) Harley's Angels celebrate after the match.
David McLane talks to Selina Majors - She's going et revenge, as you might expect. McLane hypes the 20 person battle royale for the 20th time. Hmm, I wonder if the person getting put over night is going win. Selina's lifelong dream is to win the WOW title belt, which is kinda odd, since I don't think it existed a half hour ago. Maybe that "successful business" they're talking about is a psychic hotline of some sort. (Wonder if she knows Cleo.) Her father's here and her first promoter, Verne Gange. Uh huh.
WOW! A Vigara alternative! And the same Battledome ad TWICE in one set of ads.
Two chicks do push ups, and I'm not sure if this is part of the show or another ad. The story is they train together, they get food out of vending machine together, but they both want the same thing, the championship. Waiting for the turn...waiting for the turn...they're arguing about who can lift more, but that's kind weak. There's a "splitting" graphic, so we know they turn. Terri Gold's our face, Jungle Grrrl's the heel. This was much better- when it was Heather Gunnin and Debbie Rice. We keep switching back and forth promos to build the issue, and show off Jungle's face paint job. And, if we stick around for a break, we get to see the match.
Here's the Down South ad. Would it be a wrestling show with out it?
What would a wrestling promotion be with a women interviewer, either? Julie Day holds the WOW belt to hype the match. "It's one of the most dangerous matches ever presented - an over the top battle royale." Maybe it's because I just read Foley's book today, but I'm not buying that line. The guest - the Disciplinarian, from the Board of Education. She's here to teach us a lesson, as soon as she takes off her jacket. She's got a ruler, for effect. She's here to discipline people, like Patty Pep, Beckie the Farmer's Daughter, and hopefully, the people who came up with those name. She threatens to discipline Julie right now, but we go to the ring..
Jungle Grrrl vs Terri Gold
Jungle Grrrl gets the :30 promo, just in case you're unclear on the concept. See, she's a girl...BUT SHE'S FROM THE JUNGLE! Like Tarzan, but like a girl. Get it? Here's some more shots in case you don't. And more. And more. Terri Gold's a gymnast, you see. Kinda amazing that there are signs for her, even before her first match. Terry with the hand of friendship, but it's way too late for that. Head pushdown, and Jungle gets a body slam. Jungle does follow up, and Terri's back to her feet, only to get taken down by an armdrag, I guess. Terri kips up, circle, lockup, arm bar, Terri kick her away. They separate, then Terri runs over and drop toe holds Jungle Girl. Indian Deathlock, just for Scott's pleasure. Jungle sells it good, as the announcers talk about Terri reading to kids. Jungle to the ropes, and then kicks Terri away. Jungle holds on the bottom rope as Terri pulls her away, and she takes the Fit Finley bump. Slingshot (again?) and then Terri with a cross corner whip. Backflip, back elbow, of course, and Terri covers for 2. Jungle with an eye rake, whip, clothesline misses, back elbow does not. Jungle with a two count. Jungle with a push into the corner, bad kick, soft kick, soft kick, corner whip, reversed, monkey flip. Terri with a handstand for no reason, and then a handstand splash. I'm limiting myself to one RollerJam reference per show, okay? (That doesn't count.) Corner whip by Gold, charge (slow), but Jungle with two feet up. Jungle with the body slam, and she goes to the top rope. Signal to the crowd and the big splash (the announcers called it "Air Feline", but they may have been stupid). There's your 3 count. (4:10) Lee Marshall calls it a flying body slam because he sucks. Here's that video again. Someone spent a heck of a lot of money on vignettes.
This is the fourth or fifth Battledome ad we've had. I think we have the concept down, and it's next, so it's not like people would forget when it was.
The 20th women is getting in the ring as we start, so I have no clue who mot of these people are. We'll figure it out by elimination, I guess. Caged Heat is NOT in there, sigh, but There's a lot of brawling, but not much I can call. We get shots of people I don't know doing cheap moves, I guess. It takes me about five replays to guess that Lotus is the first one out (:38) , as the lighting around the ring area sucks and the director is on acid. Bronco Billie is out (1:10) and so is Farah the Persian Princess (1:15) without either name being called. The Disciplinarian gets thrown (1:23), and so is Tanja Warrior Woman (1:26), but their names get mentioned in the process. Riot's out (1:31), that might have been Jade thrown (1:35) Jane Blond's gone (1:37), Paradise lost (1:45, probably should've saved that pun), Slam Dunk is eliminated by a group of wrestlers (1:52) and has problems about it. Sandy of Beach Patrol is pitched (2:01), Ice Cold follows (2:16) and Sunny is right after (2:17) It takes me a couple tries to figure out that Roxy Powers (2:29) was thrown out, barely off camera, but, with six people left, it looks like everyone's accounted for. We've got all 3 members of Harley's Angels, Jungle Grrrl, Terri Gold and Selina Majors. The biker chicks celebrate about their numbers, before beating up on the two virtuous faces, Jungle Grrrl assisted by hooking Terri up in a Tree of Woe. Probably be easy just throw her out, but no. Double whip, double back elbow by Charlie and EZ. They try it again, and that's a bad idea, double clothesline. EZ get thrown (2:59) and Charlie follows later (3:07), leaving us with our two big singles match ups. Majors with another Stunner, which distracts Jungle Grrrl, so she gets taken down and catapulted over the top (3:24). Then Terri's thrown out - or not, as she hangs on to the ropes, to try to skin the cat. Thug's thrown (3:31), but comes back in with a chair. I'm guessing the ref's not seeing this, because here's a chair shot, and yep, as the primary ref watches the Angels try to pull Terri all the way out (and the backup one argues with Jungle Grrrl, I guess) Thug pitches Selina (3:51). Terri's finnaly completed the skin the cat, and with Thug's leaning over the ropes, trash talking Selina, it'd be really easy to kick her over the top rope like so (3:58), and become the first WOW champion. In a four minute battle royale.
Terri gets the belt, and we get tons of fireworks for no reason. David McLane interviewers her - she's glad she proved the people wrong, especially the ones who thought so after she just lost to Jungle Grrrl. Terri: "This is a huge step in women's sports. A huge step, and I'm going represent it!"
Meanwhile, Charley's Angles decide to take out their anger by beating up Selina Majors with a chair to her left knee. Hey, there's Vern Gange. Thug with a chair shot for McLane too, but I think that my have been accident. So, because we need a shoot angle at the end of the first show, Thug gets fired by McLane. Everyone's pretty annoying here, so I refuse to talk about. Let's have Verne talk. Verne: "This is too far. I don't care if it's professional or ammeter, you just don't do this." The heck? Anyway, role those credits as we watch Selina stretchered to the back. "I can't feel my leg." Her acting is so captivating, they over dub it with a plug for their website, and end the show.
You made it this far, you don't need me to tell you how the show was. I think I'll keep watching, for now, because it's so unbelievable mind bending stupid, I can't help but see what else they'll do next. But, like everything, being a really silly and badly thought out wrestling promotion gets old, so don't count on this lasting too long. (The recaps or the promotion, I don't know.)
You figure out the four time world champion, my head hurts. I'm going to sleep.