(Yea, I'm going global with this baby.)
If you've never seen the wild and wacky world that is WSL Rollerjam, most of the below will make no sense to you. You may want to check out my RollerJam Introduction to get a better idea of what's exactly going on. The official website, www.rollerjam.com is a pretty good resource in itself.
Despite doing this on and off last season and a little this year, I still haven't totally hit upon a format for recaps that totally works for me. Don't be surprised if this continues to evolve.
12/3 - Roller Jam
Hour 1
Texas Rustlers versus Chicago Riot
Opening: Denise Loden joined the Illinois Riot a few weeks ago, finally killing my rooting interest in that let down. She's been taking out everyone, including her main opponent tonight, Lindsey Francis. Francis puts down Loden, Loden retorts that Lindsey can be seen at your local strip club. (Which one? See, that's another reason to hate Denise...she leaves you hanging on the important info! )The tie breaking vote goes to Lindsey’s teammate, Texas's Telisa Miller, who's sick of Lindsey’s antics herself.
Announcers: They go over Loden's recent heel turn as well as Francis and Loden being on the same team last year. We take quick flashbacks to Loden stripping Francis of her uniform top (where she just happened to be wearing a bikini top underneath) and their scrap during the Queen of the Derby competition.
There's men here too, but for once, we (the announcers) don't really care. Too bad it isn't a group of females that I actually care about. The Riot are 3-0 since Loden (and Debbie Rice, who's like 3x as talented but one-third as hyped) joined up and with Texas not getting along themselves, I think it's about to be 4-0.
Interview with Riot Captain Richard Brown. He's still the King. And he doesn't want good luck from the likes of Wolfe.
Period 1
Jam 1: Riot Millie Guthrie catches up to the pack, where Loden knocks Lindsey Francis into the infield penalty box, back first. Francis is slow to get up, so Loden slugs Telisa Miller. Maybe all the beatings from Loden will bring Francis and Miller back together. Nah. 1-0, Riot.
Jam 2: 2-1 advantage for Texas, but the one is IL Debbie Rice, so we can ignore that. Debbie slides right between them and knocks them down with elbows. Loden plays SuperWomen, clearing out three people, so it's 4-0 as we go to the first break.
Jam 3: Battle between jammers early, as Millie Guthrie takes down Texas’ Amy Becker, but Lindsey Francis catches up (after almost falling down). Miller knocks down Loden, giving Lindsey room to get a point. Loden goes after Miller after the jam.
Jam 4: Lindsey Francis and Debbie Rice jam, with Miller and Loden blocking their respective opponents. Loden snap mares Miller to the ground, then a double ax-handle to Miller, to give Rice a point. 5-1
Jam 5: Loden and Miller go out on the Jam, but get more into a fight, allowing Francis to sneak back as Loden is pushed back. As they catch up to the pack, both Rustlers dodge Loden and Debbie Rice, and that's 4 points. 5-5, tied after one. And, RollerJam Rule #1 kicks in - the first period must end with a fight on the rail between two of the female principles, in this case, Denise Loden and Telisa Miller.
Period 2:
Interview with WSL General Manager Kenneth Loge III: Loge's offended with Loden's act recently. Will he do anything about it? Not now, I guess. Well, thanks for sharing, Kenny. (Nope, no one’s used the South Park reference. Yet.)
Jam 1: Texas’ Brian Gallagher gets knocked down early by Illinois’ Travis Willis, but Gallagher catches back up. They both catch up to the pack, which has all been blocked in to the rail. Gallagher pass 4, but Tex Gletty stops Mike Tanner before he pass the whole pack, and only gets 2. 9-7, Riot.
Jam 2: IL Tanner tries to catch up, but the G-Force (Gallagher, David Gletty and Brian Gamble.) stop and block the track, while one Texas guy manages to keep the rest of the Riot from breaking up the block. Suuuuure. 9-7, Riot.
Jam 3: Texas's Chris Cheadle and Marcus Abraira both catch up to the pack and eventually managed to pass IL’s Ray Robles for 2 points. 9-9. Robles attacks Abraira after, which lands him in the penalty box.
Jam 4: Gallagher catches up to the pack, and runs right into Richard Brown, who hip blocks him down, allowing IL Mo Sanders to come around and score 2 points. 11-9, Riot. Replay shows a Rustler trying to jump into a block, but ending up going stomach first into the rail. Ouch.
Jam 5: Abraira gets taken down after IL’s Mike Tanner hits a Jawbreaker-esque move on him. Brown tries to block a Rustler out of the way, but flubs and no one scores. So, it's 11-9 at halftime.
Halftime
Well, they've totally not played up the Francis/Miller tension, and the Rustlers are still in it, so I expect it all to break down next period.
Highlights from the first half. Wow, Francis went headfirst into the bench, then into the penalty box. Surprised she got up.
Time for the Halftime Feature, a closer look at Lindsey Francis. Featuring a lot of bikini shots. Loden accuses of her of selling more than her abilities as a skater to the public. California’s Stacy Blitch agrees with Loden, for once. Anyway, Francis is starting a "Women of the WSL" Association. They're promoting women in athletics, by raising money for athletic programs. And what better way to raise money than a swimsuit calendar. Francis says she only allows 'good girls' into the Women of the WSL. Who are good girls? Well, from the shots, it looks like good has to do with the ability to wear a bikini well. Francis says "Brutish girls, like Denise Loden and Telisa Miller, will NOT be allowed to join."
Interview with Denise Loden. She puts down Francis (whatta surprise), says she (Loden) is not a role model (now she’s stealing from Charles Barkley!) and that the Sundogs are losers (duh.).
Period 3
Jam 1: Loden goes out, and is shocked to get elbowed in the head by Francis. Francis and Miller work together to take down Loden. Miller calls of the jam, and there go Francis and Loden. Miller stands a comfortable distance away and does not help, as the announcers note. ('course, Francis never really helped Miller.) Anyway, Francis and Loden get penalties for that.
Jam 2: doesn't really get started, as someone in the middle of the pack gets dropped, and it looks like IL’s Debbie Rice is hurt. Replay says she hit the bottom of the rail, fell and then got run over. Looks like she hit her head hard on the track, too. Come back to live action, and we're restarting, as Rice has been taking of the track. (I’ll have an update at the end of the show.) Telisa Miller and IL Crystal Schneider skate back and forth in the lead, but Miller is distracted and runs right into the pack (that's been pushed all into the rail by Texas), and Schneider skates right ahead, 14-9 Riot.
Jam 3: Francis, out of the penalty box, is out the Jam and knocks down Schneider. Francis catches up to the pack, but Mille Guthrie sets right into a Loden "Back Attack". 1 point for Tex (counts as Francis passing Loden), no penalty for the Riot.
Jam 4: Guthrie and Miller out again. And again, the pack gets tracked by the rail, and both fly by four points. I think they’re kinda over using that cliché this game. The announcers point out that Miller could have called of the Jam and prevented the Riot from scoring, but didn't realize it. 18-14 Riot
Jam 5: Loden gets on the jam against Miller, but easily pass her. Loden then goes throw the whole pack with ease, knocking down every one, before calling of the Jam. 22-14 Riot. The announcers mention that it looks like Debbie Rice may be out for not just tonight, but for a while. Miller and Loden fight again, leading us to break.
Period 4
Interview with Lindsey Francis: But before she gets a word in, Telisa Miller runs in and starts yelling at Francis. (Francis: "Texas isn't biggest enough for the both of us") Francis orders Miller off the track and off the team, but they argue as the period begins...
Jam 1: Gallagher catches up to the pack, and pass the whole pack when they're (repeat after me) stuck up near the rail. 4 points, 22-18.
Jam 2: Cheadle and Tex 42 Jason Macdy catch up the pack, passing Robes when Gletty takes him down. Robles decides to take his anger out on Brian Gallagher, but it's 22-20, Riot.
Jam 3: Abraira gets out first, but Mike Tanner knocks him down again. Tanner can't get by a double block by himself, but Richard Brown slips back and hits a double bulldog. The Riot clear out the rest of the pack, getting 4 points. Abraira slips pass Brown while he's still lying on the track from the double buldog, but the net is that Riot are up 5, 26-21. The Rustlers react by double teaming Ray Robles as we go to final break.
That WrenchHead.com commercial is pretty funny. Of course, I don't if I'll say the same the 200th time I see it...
Jam 4: Cheadle and Tex Andy Wallop, who knocks down Cheadle in his first important action tonight. The Rustlers work together, with a nice jumping knee from Brian Gamble, and manage to get 3 points, making it 26-24, with time running out.
Jam 5: Brian Gallagher manages to evade the Riot jammer. The Riot try to pull away (everyone skating in a line as fast as they can away from the pack), but Gallagher might be too fast...Gallagher catches up with 5 seconds left, and runs right into Brown's elbow. Down he goes, and that’s the game.
Final: 26 Riot - 24 Rustlers
Post Game: Miller and Francis are STILL arguing. Interview with Loden and Brown: Loden brings Lindsey for the Rustlers problems and then they both just start talking about how great they are, as I feel sick. They're the Queen and King of the WSL, ya know. They seem not to think that they aren't going to lose ever again.
My thoughts: Talk to me last year, and I would been so happy with a Riot mega-push. Now, I'm just hoping someone, anyone puts a stop to this annoying team. Even worse, rollerjam.com has Debbie Rice out for the rest of the season, as a result of a neck injury suffered on her fall. which means the one reason to watch this annoying team is gone.
My only guess on where the Miller/Francis storyline is off of something odd that that happened last week. While the Rustler duo had trouble getting along, Lindsey was getting along with Nevada's Shay Brown, who isn't getting along with members of HER team. Could a trade between Brown and Miller be in the works? It’d make sense…
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Look! An ECW Ad not during ECW TV! Sure, it's fifteen second version of the ad they showed earlier today, but it still counts!
Game 2
Opening: WSL GM Kenneth Loge took over the Sundogs, and now it's time for the remodeled team's first match...versus Loge's arch enemies, the NY Enforcers. Loge and NY Captain Mark D'Amato don't get along, and recently, Loge stirred up stuff by saying D'Amato's stealing from the Skater's Union.
We go to the announcers, who quickly says something’s up with the Sundogs, so let’s go backstage…
Interview with Loge: No Sunbirds tonight. They're not ready, Loge says. Loge insinuates that the Enforcers have been ducking the California Quakes, as D'Amato is doing the scheduling, and for his own team's benefit. But, the Quakes are here, and Loge's happy to provide them as a replacement.
Intros: NY Female Captain Karen Mangussen is hurt, and she's not even in the building tonight, which means the Enforcers are in more trouble, as the Quakes have possible the most talented women in the WSL. Atkinson talks to some guy in the crowd, so we look at him and his ugly shirt for a second. That was...odd.
Period 1:
Jam 1: After some initial battling, NY’s April Tootle and Cal’s captain Stacy Blitch go out in the jam, managing to skate and have a slap fight (knocking Tootle's helmet off in the process). Blitch gets nailed by Janet Abraham, who clears out the pack for Tootle. 2 points for the Enforcers.
Jam 2: CAL Jamie Conemac catches up to the pack and Abraham. Blitch helps out with a Bulldog Abrham, and Conemac passed for a point to make it 2-1. Conemac and Blitch trash talk Abraham, then we all realize we're about to go to break, so Blitch starts the obligatory fight.
Blitch gets a penalty, after the break.
Jam 3: 2 Quakes versus 1 Enforcer on the Jam, but they knock each other out by accident. The one Enforcer, Coutrney Barlow, manages to get through the pack with April Tootle throwing a few blocks. 3 points, and it's 5-1 Enforcers.
Jam 4: 2 Quakes to 1 Enforcer again, and this time the numbers are successful. Amy Craig and Jennifer Matthews, the two Quakes, slide around Tootle for a point each. 5-3.
Jam 5: Hawk on the Quakes: "What a wealth of talent...and they're all pretty cute." I’m just happy they’re pointing out the talent now. Jamie Conemac gets out on the Jam, but Tootle catches up. Blitch and Abraham block their opponents, and simultaneous bulldogs. No score, and Abrham and Blitch nearly have a fight, but Stacy nearly falls to the track after trying to throw a punch. 5-3 after one.
Period 2:
Interview with Cal captain Sean Atkinson: He's been in a really bad mood lately. Apparently, he's now seeing a sports psychology to control his rage. Oh, that's the guy in the ugly shirt. Well, I'm sure he'll be calm and in control....SUUUUUURE.
Jam 1: NY Rocky Bowman goes on the jam. The announcers, based on that last interview, consider changing Atkinson’s name from “Ack Attack” to "Prozac Attack." Atkinson calmly blocks Bowman, but get pulled back in a headlock by NY Tim Washington. Atkinson recovers to stop more points, but Mark D'Amato and Washington throw Atkinson over the railing after the jam. No points, for some reason, I’m guessing excessive violence. Washington trash talks the psychologist...and D'Amato gets into the penalty box.
Jam 2: Cal Tony Santiago gets up to the pack, and gets leveled by Washington’s big elbows. Washington follows with a two handed choke lift then drop on Santiago, which pretty much ends that jam. No penalty, though. Somehow, the Enforcers did get a point too, so it's 6-3.
Jam 3: NY Jim Morrissey catches up to the pack, and D'Amato and Washington clean house, throwing Atksinson over the top again. 10-3.
Jam 4: The announcers speculate that being peaceful is probably going hurt Sean's game. No way, you don't say. NY’s Fred Eichhorn knocks down a Cal jammer again. Atkinson tries to block, but runs right into a two man beating from D'Amato and Washington. He gets beat, but no points score. Atkinson and D'Amato take seats in the penalty box.
Jam 5: Atkinson is throwing the penalty bench around, which isn't very peaceful. On the track, Cal’s Eric Slopey and Eichhorn race around, but we watch Atkinson and the psychologist instead. Washington clears a path through for one point and sidewalk slams Cal’s Rusty Montgomery just because he can, causing Atkinson to go nuts. With the ref holding on, Washington and Atkinson battle to and through the rail (breaking the top and knocking Washington and landing Tim on the floor.) The refs finally pull it apart, but Atkinson just head butts the track. Okay. Enforcers lead 11-3.
Halftime
Clips of first half action, which is mostly the Enforcers beating the Quakes. If the Quakes don't get a comeback, I might be doing my last report already. You don’t be squashing the Quakes.
Feature: Sean Atkinson getting psychological help. We talk with the psychologist. Sean's been planting plants in the garden, and he's so into it, he hugs them. Um, you may not want to smash them, Sean. And then he does stress reliving exercises. The psychologist talks about his controversial "swing" therapy, where Sean, in his RollerJam helmet, just swings on the swing set. Apparently, they also play in a small kiddy castle to learn about control "for hours and hours". Atkinson says "Oh Daddy!" a lot throughout this all. THIS is the reason to watch this...the surreal halftime bits. I think they wanted this one to be funny, but I’m not sure.
Interview with Atkinson and the doctor. They compare this with the Braves John Smoltz. Does he play in small kiddy castles? The doctor tells Atkinson to release his rage at the right time. They hug to end the interview. Whatever.
Period 3
Jam 1: 2 Cal versus 1 NY again, as Cal needs to catch up big time and do so, with a double elbow by Amy Craig and Conemac. They get stuck behind Janet Abraham at the end of the pack. Blitch tries a carthwheel for no apparent reason (well, they usually sell it as a distraction technique, but really…) and it doesn't go well, as she blows it. First the punch, now this – Stacy’s not having a good night. Blitch catches back up, and bumps Abraham down, but only 1 point scores. 12-4
Jam 2: Blitch goes out on the jam and sledge hammers Barlow in the back of the neck. Janet Abrham taunts her to catch up, and successfully blocks her before throwing her down by the neck. They give Blitch a point anyway, so it's 12-5. Blitch's head hit the ramp hard, but luckily, that helmet was there to protect the fall, or we’d have two neck injuries tonight.
Jam 3: April Tootle knocks down the Cal jammer, but then gets double blocked for a while, until Abrham runs interference, and Tootle breaks through the block for 2 points. 14-5 and I'm not liking how this is going.
Jam 4: Jamie Conemac and Amy Craig get out again, high five after taking down the Enforcer Jammers, but they need to hurry up and score quick. Blitch helps them do just that, taking down two people, 2 points each, 4 total, 14-9, NY. Blitch stops, waiting for Abraham to attack her, but Abraham just stares and skates by.
Jam 5: Conemac and Barlow get out quick again, but Barlow ends up tripping herself up going for a hair pull. Abrham manhandles, er, womanhandles the much smaller Conemac, with a headlock then a hard knee to the head. One point for the Quakes, so Abraham with a big splash. Stacy Blitch runs in and attacks, and she has to be restrained. Conemac seems to be legit hurt, as Atkinson rushes over to stop Abraham from continuing. Replay shows Conemac taking a hard bump on the ridge where the track meets the infield, and getting more hurt by the splash. From her expression, it's tough to tell if she's thinking "No, don't let a 200+ pound women splash me!" or "No, I'm really hurt, don't do it!". Both are equally valid in this case. Trainers take Jamie to the back as the period comes to an end, 14-10 Quakes.
Period 4
Interview with Mark D'Amato: Mark's happy about Jamie Conemac being hurt. D'Amato takes credit for getting Abraham to do it. D'Amato always knew that Atkinson was a psycho, and he doesn't care about the 'VooDoo witch doctor'. (Dr.) D'Amato actually recommends a lobotomy in Atkinson’s case
Jam 1: All four jammers break out, and everyone but Tom Smith ends up going down. Tony Santiago catches up, but they can't pass Washington, till Atkinson hits the Atkinson attack. And a Senton! No points, though.
Jam 2: Eric Slopey hits a Rocker Dropper, and..awww, he's not doing the White Pony any more. Anyway, he catches up to D'Amato and is blocked back by D'Amato until Atkinson hits D'Amato with a flying forearm, knocking Mark off the track. Slopey skates throw the rest of the pack, picking up four points and tying up the game. 14-14, tie game. Atkinson drops a senton on the track in celebration. I think he needs to do that controlling the rage thing.
Jam 3: NY Rocky Bowman catches up to Atkinson at the end of the pack, but Atkinson seems to hold him back, and end it with a Back Attack. With that, and still a tie game, we go to the final break.
Update: Jamie Conemac has been going in and out of consciousness backstage, that’s no good.
Jam 4: Cal’s Tom Smith catches up with he pack, then gets smacked down by D'Amato. The announcers start talking about how no points scored, but then the ref signals for two Enforcers points, and they go quiet as we all try to figure out how and when THAT happened. 16-14 NY.
Jam 5: It’s the last Jam. Eric Slopey breaks away from the pack, and it's all up to him to win. The Enforcers set up the Wall (all five men stand shoulder to shoulder across the track, blocking anyone from getting through. Atkinson throws a flying cross body, though, and the QUAKES WIN! QUAKES WIN! I'm happy, the Quakes are happy, the psychologist is happy, the Enforcers aren't too happy. Eh, what are you going do.
Final Quakes 19 – Enforcers 16.
Post Game: Janet's looking at the cross she wears around her neck. She's a minister, sort of, and seems to be a little bit worried about what happened with Jamie Conemac. Or so we assume, as no one bothers asking her.
Interview with Loge: Wolfe points out that if the Sundogs hadn't pulled out, Conemac might not be injured. (She also might not be injured if someone didn't splash her...) Loge says it's all Atkinson's fault for having such a violent team, and he doesn't think Atkinson, even with therapy, will be anything more than 'a menace to society.'
D'Amato skates in and pretty much challenges Loge to a fight. They talk, and D'Amato skates off with nothing settled.
My thoughts: Nothing WILL be settled, until Florida actually debuts (as they will on 12/10) and then faces the Enforcers. That’s the only matchup they’re really building up to at this point.
The whole thing with the Quakes replacing the Sundogs this week would have been more of a surprise if their website didn’t list that matchup, and not Florida/NY, as the set Hour 2 match.
Conemac’s injury was either an angle, or something that was minor but got played up big afterwards, it looks like. They’ll probably forget about it till the Quakes and Enforcers meet again (and if they’re really paying attention, they’ll compare it to when Conemac accidentally knocked out Heather Gunnin in a game and tried to apologize to her.)
Next week has Nevada vs New York in Hour One. Then the debut of Florida vs Illinois is in Hour 2, which could be interesting, as it’s Loge’s Old Team versus his new team, and the Riot’s winning streak versus the redone Sundogs.
Two weeks till RollerJam is Extreme. They’re already hyping it on their website, so they must be in some sort of major role (I’m hearing Florida/NY that week, so…). In case you hadn’t heard, Axl Rotten, Little Guido and Big Sal were all sent to the Florida tapings to cross promote…let’s see if TNN remembers to promote it, and if it means anything in the end.