universal question of the moment: what have I got myself into?

things slightly forgotten on RAW in relation to this show: how long it was going to be, what was going to be on it, when the new ECW show was going to be on - only the minor-est details.

Adding it up, they've got a PPV and a TV show to sell here, not to manage a concept and compelling reason to spend one more hour of your time on something else (if you were watching Velocity, you probably don't need to be convinced.) After RAW, I think the only thing I bought was "take the under", but let's see what they can do with one more shot.

WWE open - will this include ECW clips soon? This segment, like all the others to follow, is rated TV 14 DLSV

Cold open in what must be the WWE locker room. We appear to have Tatanka, IC Champion SB, US Champion Lashley, Carlito, World Champion Rey Mysterio (seated), Finlay, Matt Hardy (V1), Big Show, Mark Henry, all in stylish red and blue shirts - and Mick Foley. "Tonight, it's WWE versus ECW, HEAD TO HEAD. They're coming in our back yard, and try to humiliate us, and we can NOT allow that to happen. [everyone shouts agreement] Are we going to let them have our way with us? [NO!] Are we going to take them out? [YES!] Yes we are!" Rey, very agitated: "They're a bunch of punks! We're going to take them down! This is our house!" Now everyone's yelling, and Edge has managed to find the center of the camera; I guess he was sitting behind a few guys before. While they're all talking at once, let's switch to

The ECW locker room, where everyone we don't normally see are trying to remind us what we used to see - Sabu points up, Sandman focuses on his cane, Al Snow (!) fondles his head, HEAT GM Steven Richards (!!!!!!!) probably is distraught about the current shape of his program, Tommy Dreamer holds a barbed wire bat, Terry Funk is doing something I can't see, Kurt Angle shows off his mouthpiece, Nunzio (! - assuming he's still Nunzio) rubs Tony Mamaluke's shoulders, Balls has his chair and Justin Got His Name Back has his cane too. RVD is very visible but not pantomiming - maybe he's supposed to be high (with emotion.) Everyone is doing their best 'intense' and wearing (black) ECW shirts. Of course, if everyone's doing their signature bit, that means the voice we must hear is Paul Heyman (resolute): "We've always known we were better - tonight, we get to prove it! Us versus them, ECW versus WWE! TELL ME, who's dominate? [wrestlers say 'ECW' in one voice] TELL ME, WHO'S SUPERIOR? ["ECW!"] TELL ME WHO WE ARE? [ECW! ECW! ECW! ECW! ECW! and so on into the

open - as you might expect, a mix of ECW (nearly all from last year's ONS), RAW and SmackDown clips. More bWo then I thought I'd see (which is none)

LIVE (probably) from Dayton, OH (no arena given) to what Jim Ross calls "the first ever ECW vs WWE" event. Speaking of, your hosts appear to be JR and the King - Lawler explains they're representing the WWE, and we go to another desk, with the ECW logo on top of it - it's Joey Styles and Tazz! They have ECW graphics already, which is more prep than I thought they'd do. 

TONIGHT: WWE (Matt Hardy, Tatanka, Finlay, Carlito, Randy Orton, Mark Henry, Big Show, Lashley, Edge, Shelton Benjamin) vs ECW (Tommy Dreamer, Nunzio (maybe), Tony Mamaluke, Kurt Angle, Justin Credible, Terry Funk, Sandman, Al Snow, Balls Mahoney, Steven Richards) in twenty man battle royal. 
TONIGHT: WWE Champion John Cena vs Sabu in an extreme rules match (Joey: "There are no rules!")

Tazz takes a moment to cut a promo on Lawler. "It's a small miracle right now, I'm not over there right now, beating your ass, right here, right now! Come Sunday, you're done, my man, you're done!" Lawler: "We do have a match coming up at this Sunday, at the One Night Stand, but, why not - you look like a frog anyway, why don't you just jump over here?" Tazz reacts to that exactly as you'd expect - both analysts want to fight, and both storytellers try to keep them separate. JR does a better job, but Lawler fights it less. I bet you're wondering why they haven't mentioned the third match?

World Champion Rey Mysterio (619, 170 pounds) vs Mr. Money In The Bank Rob Van Dam (Battle Creek, MI, 230 pounds) - They've got the normal RAW entrance set up (though Rey uses his usual trap door), and also have ECW's old brick entrance for their guys, I'd guess. Lillian Garcia is doing the ring announcing; good to see her not dead. Sounds like all four guys will be talking at the same time, and I hope Lawler and Tazz aren't planning on spending all two hours snipping. Meanwhile, Joey's been reset in 'I respect the WWE' mode, for whatever that means. Your ref is SD's Charles Robinson. Rey seems to have had another mood swing, because he's happily shaking RVD's hand before the match. Lockup, Rey with a waistlock, RVD hip spins him off, Rey quickly gets him with a dropkick. Rey off the ropes, leg drop, no one home, RVD tries a swinging kick to the face, Rey ducks under, standoff. JR theorizes Rey and RVD might have respect for each other, based on their styles. I believe so, based on how they're goofily smiling at each other. I wonder which announcer will recall these two were tag champs? (Joey first.) RVD chant. Lockup, no, both go with kicks, and both get hurt. Rey tries a crucifix, RVD spins to get him free, and pulls him into a press slam. The drop goes with out incident, but RVD's immediate follow up standing moonsault isn't so clean (spiking Rey in the face with a knee.) RVD celebrates as Rey tries to regain his sense. Replay - Joey gets to bash "storytelling" here, so I guess we're all due for mood shifts. RVD points and poses a bit much, and Rey's able to dropkick him in the ropes. Boos are audible as Rey goes for the 619 - maybe that's what tipped RVD off to duck? RVD slips to the apron, Rey watches him, and dropkicks RVD just as he's jumping up for a springboard. RVD falls to the apron, and all the way to the floor. Rey gathers his senses while RVD gets back up, and is a bit quicker at it. Baseball slide dropkick to RVD gets ducked, and Rob loads Rey up on his shoulder. Van Dam gets the fans to clear the barricade, so he can drop Rey down gut first on it. With Rey still laying there, RVD jumps on top of the barricade - and slips off. Ha!  Lawler mocks it. RVD quickly gets back on the barricade, and attempts a guillotine legdrop - but Rey ducks out of the way, and RVD falls to the floor, disappearing behind the barricade. RVD grabs his knee as Rey goes back in. Charles Robinson is out looking at RVD and not counting, and RVD starts to get up. What's Rey doing? Springboard plancha over the barricade! First row fans are getting a close look at both guys - so it's time for us to get a look at the commercials. (3:00)

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SciFi: ECW - this is pretty good even if tells you nothing

As we return, Rey and Rob are in the ring. Rey punches Rey, and tries to whip him, but it's reversed. RVD puts his head down too soon and gets it kicked. Rey tries for the bodyscissors bulldog, but Rob blocks it, holds him, and crotches him on the ropes. Rey's stuck, and Rob pauses him with a punch before carefully heading to the top rope. Taking his time - looking at the crowd before jumping, but he still connects on the sternum kick. Rey falls to the floor. Five people chant RVD. Another replay, and then Rob sets up Rey with his head on the apron. There's the guillotine legdrop he wanted earlier, from a slingshot. Replay of this as well. They ought to have gotten a sponsor for the replays! Rob back in to cover one two NO. Lawler suggests RVD might not have gone to ECW if he wasn't drafted, and Joey and Tazz shout him down. Corner whip, reversed, Rey charges in, but RVD's moved out of the way, and Rey takes a drop toe hold into the middle rope. Rey's seated in the corner, not a good place to be. Doesn't help that RVD has brought in a chair - is this legal? Charles seems to be shrugging his shoulders. Rob starts running with the chair as JR talks about a lot of latitude in the regulations - running Van Daminator dropkick to the face. Lawler wants a DQ, but Robinson is more focused on checking on Rey, and RVD is more interesting in taking a bow. Guess it's good, as we see a replay and a cover - one two NO. Lawler: "Is that what people can expect with ECW?" Tazz: "Yea, yea, exactly!" RVD looking - I don't know. The timekeeper's table? Back to Rey, and he's sent cross ring with a corner whip. RVD's gone back out - ah, he was looking for the chair, and he's got it back. In different words, JR explains "It's ECW Rules tonight, unless they change their minds." RVD uses the folded up chair, but only to push off in the middle of a roll toward the corner. Rey moves out of the way of whatever it was, and crotches RVD on the apron. TO the middle rope - bulldog onto the chair! One two NO! Let's give that a replay too. Lawler can't believe it. Rey sets up RVD's head on the back of the chair. They seem to be pushing the phrase "cult fans"; that's sorta Sci Fi, right? (Nah.) Rey to the outside, Dropin' The Dime comes up empty, RVD moving, and Rey landing tailbone first on the chair. RVD takes a moment to recover, but Rey's going to need a lot more than that. RVD sets the chair on top of Rey, and pulls himself to the top rope. Everyone knows what he's going for here - Five Star Frog Splash, but Rey pushed the chair out of the way? He still got hit, and he probably saved RVD as much as he did himself. One two three! (7:43 shown) The ECW Locker Room celebrates, but really, how hard is that? Announcers debate if this means he can beat Cena. After some pointing, RVD checks on Rey - and helps him up? RVD raises Rey's arm, and it's hard to get a read on Rey's feelings about this. We do get to see the ECW Locker Room chanting RVD, and Rey raise the World Championship while slumping to the ground - picture perfect! Replays of the frog splash - no one's mentioned Rey moving the chair and why yet, but this does not seem like a night where they're going to do that. Rey and RVD exchange five one more time, and then RVD slaps five and shakes with the ECW announcers. Lawler: [sarcastic] "You're real impartial announcers." Perhaps he hadn't noticed the ECW logo on the desk before? Tazz: "I got an idea, why don't you kiss my ass?" Lawler: "You're all ass anyway." JR: "[Why can't we all get along?]"

2 Days Ago: Kurt Angle ran off Mick Foley and Edge - till Randy Orton made an (early) return. This is one of those times where they say something - say, "60 days" - 1000nd times in hopes that it sounds true the 1,001st time. Let me save you the math

RAW minus 60 days: Thursday, April 6th
what Randy was doing that Friday: wrestling Rey on SmackDown. And wrestling Angle the week after.

Kurt Angle is WALKING - he's coming out to talk about the new math, I suppose.

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ECW on Sci Fi - Tuesday, 10/9 C

Kurt Angle is out. He's using the ECW entrance, he's got no pyro, and he's got remixed music; the "You Suck" section appears to be left behind in WWE. It seems so quiet. Lillian's introducing this as a match, but that's news to the rest of us - oh, they set up the pyro in the ring. Joey is doing the hard sell of "Kurt as ECW". Lawler: "You guys make me sick!" 

Angle: "You know, a lot of people thought I'd be upset, when Randy Orton came to RAW and RKO-ed me in front of my hometown [moderate boos] But I wasn't upset. See, two months ago, I snapped Randy Orton's ankle in two. And to be honest with you, I loved every second of it! I loved hearing Randy Orton scream, squealing like a pig! Of all the times in my career where I've broken someone's ankle, that had to be my all time favorite! And I'm glad that Randy Orton answered my open challenge, because this Sunday, at ECW's One Night Stand, we're going to face off for the first time ever. Because you gotta understand this, because Randy Orton isn't going to face 'Kurt Angle, the Olympic Gold Medallist', or 'Kurt Angle, WWE Superstar'. For the first time ever, Randy Orton will face 'ECW's Kurt Angle!' And ECW's Kurt Angle doesn't take shit [and a delayed mute; oops]"

Randy Orton and his music were possibly supposed to cut Angle off there, but Angle seemed intent on finishing the word. "Was that suppose to scare me, or something, Kurt? 'ECW's Kurt Angle'? To tell you the truth [distracted - slight ECW chant does grow] To tell you the truth, I kinda-I feel sorry for you. You went from headlining, main eventing WrestleMania [up here], to ECW [down here; shakes head]. It's like the equivalent to staring in a summer blockbuster, then going to hardcore porn. Granted, granted, I'm sure a lot of you ECW fans love your hardcore porn, right? [cheers!] Just because it's probably the closest you'll come to ever having sex. [plays with nose] But I'm not about that, Kurt, I want to reach the top of the mountain, the top of the ladder, and, see what I'm saying, a year ago, I was drafted to SmackDown! one year later, one expired contract later [huh?], things have changed, things have changed Kurt. Because this Sunday, I will be facing 'ECW's Kurt Angle', but Kurt, you'll be facing, Monday Night RAW's Randy Orton. [Tazz, sarcastic: Now THERE's a big deal]. 

Angle: "That's, that's great Randy. But I don't think you understand the concept of 'ECW's Kurt Angle'. THIS is a new ECW. A new breed unleashed. You see, for the first time in my life, I don't have to worry about offending Olympic officials, or corporate sponsors, or even Vince McMahon himself. All I have to worry about is KICKING ASS. Now, I'll give you an example, Orton. This Sunday at One Night Stand, not only am I going to break your ankle, I'm going to break you arms, I'm going to break your legs, you're going to be crawling out of the Hammerstein BALLROOM with a broken freaking neck! [Randy showcases his functional neck] Now you listen to me, you snot nosed punk-"

"You listen to me, you son of a bitch! [pause] You break my ankle, two months ago, and if you hadn't done that, I guarantee I would've beat Rey Mysterio, and I'd be standing here right now as World Heavyweight Champion, but that didn't happen! I had to stay in rehab for two months, going day in and day out, wondering how I'm going to pay back Kurt Angle for breaking my ankle. Well, look, her I am now, and here's my opportunity, my chance to pay you back KURT! Now you all may think it's a coincidence - Kurt, you may think it's a coincidence you get drafted from ECW the same time I come back from my injury, but it's no coincidence, Kurt, it's no conscience. Everything happens for a reason!"

"What the hell are you talking about, Orton?"

"What am I talking about? Destiny, Kurt. My Destiny. You say you're going to be the new face of ECW? Well, I believe. In fact, I'm counting on it, because I'm going to use every amount of pent up aggression, anger and rage this Sunday I'm going to beat you within an inch of your damn life! And then, all the excitement, all the expectations of ECW will go down the tubes. The success of ECW will fail! It's my destiny - to take that organization and bring it to it's knees. Kurt Angle, this Sunday, I'm not just going to beat you and win a match. Me beating you won't just mean I won a match, I am going to single handily kill the legend of ECW." [Tazz: "He's the most comical man I've ever heard! ECW stands for everything that ECW isn't - a work ethic, and everything was handed to Orton-" and then he and Lawler argue more]

Tonight: Edge vs Tommy Dreamer [extreme rules]

But backstage, here's a breast cam on Mickie James. Well, they don't call it that, but...
and also walking to the ring - hey, it's 

Up Next: Mickie James vs Jazz

ECW Live Schedule

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(WWE) Women's Champion Mickie James (Richmond, VA) vs Jazz (New Orleans, LA) in a non-title match - ECW guys waste no time in making Puppies jokes. Insert: ECW One Night Stand, presented by X-Men 3. Ha, Jazz has her old music and video! They keep everything. Life doesn't appear to be good yet in NO, or Jazz is decked out in army camouflage for no reason. Your ref is Mickie Jay. Circle. Lockup, Mickie with an armbar, twist, - hey, JR's still here! - Jazz reverses and spins Mickie down to the mat. Back to the armbar. Tazz and Joey have mentioned Jazz's 2 title reigns about twelve times already. Forearms by Jazz. Whip, clothesline misses, Jazz cartwheeling underneath. Kicks to each side of Mickie and dropkicks Mickie out. Bored, Lawler breaks out the prepared material: "I hear they're going to have drug testing in ECW. They don't mind, those guys will test out any drug they can get their hands on." Tazz: "What page is that on?" The champion has rolled out, but Jazz isn't going to let her get away - apron plancha! Tazz, also bored, tries to gets JR to pick a side. Jazz is working over Mickie with chops. Back in, while we watch a replay, and Lawler actually says "how about paying attention to the match?" That needs a replay of it's own. Jazz is doing some sort of wacky dance while Mickie recovers in the corner. Corner charge, Jazz tries a splash, but Mickie's long gone. Mick Kick ducked, Jazz hits her own kick and a split legged faceslam. (Joey: "the Jazz Stinger!") One two foot on the rope. Jazz is slow to be aware. Lawler wonders out load when SmackDown! announcer Tazz jumped to ECW, anyway. Tazz: "I was - I am, I mean to say, a SmackDown commentator. I do what I want when I want." Jazz seems to want to just do the move again, and Mickie's holding onto the ropes for her life. When that fails, Mickie uses an eye poke. Mickie pulls Jazz into position for the Stratusfaction and screams - it's not clear if Jazz tries to get a Northern Lights suplex or is way too visible in helping, but Mickie ends up with a big spinning DDT. One two three. (1:59) Welcome back, Jazz! Tazz dares Lawler to tells us what movie Mickie won with. Mickie wants her belt, but probably should've thought about that before she got halfway up the aisle. It's 1-1, though no one says it.

TONIGHT: John Cena vs Sabu [extreme, non-title]
Sabu video package

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USA TV: RAW (HHH)

Todd talks to WWE Champion BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Let's see what happened to him on RAW. Joey butts into point out Cena swung first. I still think Sandman was going after Cena's belt after the first shot, but they edit that out, and do their best with Sabu's attack. "You see what you just saw puts in perspective just how important this is. Sunday night, history will be made. Because for the first time ever, the WWE champion is on the line at an E-C-W PPV. And what that means, if Rob Van Dam wins the WWE Championship, it goes to ECW. This championship, the same championship that's been held by - by Bruno Sammartino [no reaction], by the immortal Hulk Hogan [mixed], by Stone Cold Steve Austin [cheers] - it will be gone, and christened the ECW Champion [mixed]. So that means every single WWE fan will recognize John Cena as the biggest joke in sports entertainment history [cheers!] That's just a little bit of pressure. Want to add fire to the flame? There won't even be a single WWE fan in the Hammerstein ballroom! [he's homey-ing out] That is going to be packed to the gills with ECW faithful, the most ruthless, aggressive and intense atmosphere in the world! So, let's say, you flip the other side of the coin, and your boy's looking good at the end of the night, standing tall, holding that WWE Championship high? Way I figure it, my fight is just about to start - because I will be in the middle of the SINGLE BIGGEST RIOT SCENE EVER in sports entertainment. [slight cheers] What to do? I could stand out here and complain [fake whiny] It's not fear, the deck's stand against the champ, he couldn't do it! [normal-ish] Or from now till that day, I could lose some sleep, thinking about how bad I'm going to get my ass kicked. Or I could do what I'm going to do, put my head down, ante up, and fight like a man! [mixed] Monday Night, ECW mad a statement - tonight, I MAKE MY MINE! SABU, I FEAR NO ONE, I REGRET NOTHING - SO YOU'RE HOMICIDAL, GENOCIDAL, SUICIDAL, DANCE RECITAL SHEIK OF THE WEEK, UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE NOW OFFICIALLY PISSED OFF THE WRONG SON OF A BITCH! [can't see me salute] -OORAY!

Lillian introduces Paul Heyman, as Tazz wonders why there's no ECW announcer. Are they getting Justin Roberts? Lawler: "They couldn't find one ugly enough." Joey: "King, shouldn't you be at the Senior Prom tonight?" 

"[to fans?] Well, thank you very much. Thank you very much. [slight Paul E chant] I have to tell you, it's a bit overwhelming the fact, that we're hear right in the middle of the resurgence of ECW. I'm sure you all know by now, next Tuesday night, on the Sci Fi network, 10pm Eastern Time, 9pm Central, it'll be a new breed of ECW, ECW returns to network broadcasting, with a live broadcast of ECW on Sci Fi. And I got to tell you, it gets my heart pumping, to think what a new breed unleashed that ECW is going to be. It won't just be all the things we used to it, it's going to be a Whole Lot More. But the resurrection of ECW starts this Sunday night, as ECW One Night Stand." And from there, Paul's going to run down the card 

ONS: RVD vs John Cena [WWE]
ONS: Kurt Angle vs Randy Orton
ONS: "the Human Suplex Machine" Tazz vs Jerry 'the King' Lawler
ONS: Terry Funk & Tommy Dreamer vs Edge & Mick Foley (w/Lita)
ONS: Rey Mysterio vs Sabu [WORLD]

"For those of you who, for whatever reason, aren't sold yet on ECW One Night Stand, we figured you'd just like to sample the flavor of what happened last year, when ECW returned to Pay Per View"

ONS video package recap. (1:15)

Next: the battle royal - no graphic?

Kurt Angle in the ECW locker room: "I came to ECW because you're the most intense! [YEA WE ARE!] You're the most extreme! [YEA WE ARE!] You're the most vicious SOBs on the planet [YEA!] Who are we? [ECW!] Who are we? [ECW!] I can't hear it! [ECW ECW ECW ECW ECW ECW - Kurt leads them out of the room, with Sandman hitting himself with his cane, and Dreamer leaving his bat behind? Zoom in on that.]

In the WWE locker room, Big Show's giving the speech - Orton's there now: "You know guys, it's simple. ECW betrayed each and every one of you. You see, a guy like Kurt Angle, he's out for one thing only, he's out for himself. But YOU guys, you're different. Now, some of you guys - some of you guys are from RAW, and some of you guys are SmackDown! - but tonight, you're all WWE! [everyone agrees] SO let's go out there and show the world, that ECW has no idea what it's going to get! Are you fired up? Are you ready? [and they storm out, yelling.]

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USA TV: the 4400 (4)

and back to the open again, 3 minutes before the top of the hour. 

WWE (Big Show (507 pounds, 7 feet tall), Randy Orton (St. Louis, MO, 240 pounds), Mark Henry (Silsbee, TX, 400 pounds), Tatanka (Pennbrook, NC, 253 pounds), SB (Orangeburg, SC, 248 pounds), Matt Hardy (Cameron, NC, 236 pounds), Finlay (Belfast, Ireland, 233 pounds), Carlito (Caribbean, 220 pounds), Bobby Lashley (Colorado Springs, CO, 273 pounds), and Edge (T dot O, 250 pounds)) vs ECW (Tommy Dreamer, Nunzio? (still working on that), Tony Mamaluke, Kurt Angle, Justin Credible, Terry Funk, Sandman, Al Snow, Balls Mahoney and Steven Richards (no collective weight)) in a WWE vs ECW battle royal to determine the ultimate supremacy in sports entertainment - well, that's what she said. Hey, remember last time we had a 10 vs 10 match? ECW (and something else) versus WWE? History better not repeat itself! WWE guys get their own entrance. Even though they all had their belts backstage, they must've dropped them off between there and the ring. Lot of Matt Hardy fans. We turn the hour during Finlay's entrance; I think they're running a couple minutes behind. After Finlay, Lawler says "and they just keep getting tougher - look at this", even while Carlito's music plays. Tazz: "Why are you obsessed with people's bodies, King?" Tazz on Edge: "Here's a guy that, back in the day, sent tapes to ECW, and wasn't good enough to get a job! And that's a shoot!" Joey points out that Henry, Orton, Edge, Carlito and Shelton aren't typically team players. Everyone's still wearing their shirts, as if they'd be required to serve jail time otherwise - blue, red and black. As you'd expect, the ECW crews enters as one, to the ECW music. Kurt Angle leads the mob out. Joey and Tazz aren't on the same page here - Joey's selling it as team unity bit, Tazz is selling it as disrespect for not getting their individual entrances. As the ECW guys storm the ring, Edge slides out, and Dreamer starts chasing. Edge slides back in, Dreamer after him - ring the bell! 

It's a battle royal. You call it! Of course, Tony Mamaluke ends up taking on Big Show. Nunzio's trunks say "NUNZIO", so I there's one mystery solved. Good to see Matt and Edge on the same team! Steven does not appear to be wearing his Heat GM pink gear. They don't do the best job of showing it happen, but it appears Edge slipped thru the mass of bodies and slid out again, this time on the ramp side of the ring. Dreamer goes after him, but gets squashed in the corner by Mark Henry. I guess Kurt sees this as an opportunity to take care of one more dangling SD! thread, because he wastes no time getting behind Mark and shoving/throwing him out! (1:15) It appears that your refs are Nick and Jim from SD, and Mike and Chad (I think) from Raw. Hey, remember when the Hardys feuded with X-Factor? Matt and Justin apparently do. Replay of the Henry elimination; Nunzio helped out, which finally leads to the "Nunzio or Little Guido?" debate. Consensus: uh, none. Matt breaks from trying to get Justin out to punch Terry Funk. That works poorly for Matt, because when he turns around to get Justin again, Funk's after him - and throwing him out. (1:38) Terry pulls Justin back from the brink too, but where Justin turns and sees Terry Funk's fist cocked, he goes on instinct and - begs off. Hey, nice to see Justin and Tommy on the same team too! Balls is working over Lashley in one corner. We don't get a good look at it, but enough people in the crowd do to start chanting on every punch. Big Show is choking Al Snow in the corner. Nunzio tries to slip underneath to push him out, but, uh, no. Elsewhere, Tatanka works over Justin by the ropes with chops, Justin teetering back on each one, but not going over. Tatanka tries the old fashioned way, but Justin hangs on. Concurrently, Show throws Nunzio over the ropes with one hand - but Nunzio sticks the landing on the apron. One good punch ends that. (1:22) Dreamer's taken Justin place on the receiving end of those Tatanka chops, but Tatanka makes the rookie (?) mistake of backing up and charging in a battle royal, and Dreamer is happy to backdrop him out. (1:35) Pop quiz: we've had 4 eliminations. How many of them are from SmackDown? Yea. Sandman and Carlito have taken center stage, exchange tosses. Sandman gets the better, and Carlito is thrown to apron - and Sandman dropkicks him off. (1:46) Edge is now standing on camera side, getting a close look at the eliminations, and decides it's time to cherry pick. Tony Mamaluke stay true to form, taking a nasty fall to floor from a hiptoss (2:00) Edge never had to go thru the ropes to do that, and he's staying out now. And laughing! Dreamer's got a hold of Edge, but Orton sneaks behind Dreamer, and out goes Tommy (2:10) Edge and Orton celebrate, but only Orton gets punched in the head by Sandman. As Dreamer recovers and resumes chasing Edge, it's time for a break. (2:16)

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USA TV Movie: Along Came Polly

As we return, Jim Koderas is requesting Edge actually enter the ring, but he seems to content to be seated in a chair on the outside - to be fair, he is on the Edge of his seat. Edge relents enough to stand on the outside of the apron and punch Justin a bunch. Terry Funk stumbles over to get in a return shot, Edge ducks, and Edge pulls him out. (2:42 shown) Edge gets in Terry's face, and then dances around the ring a bit. Inside the ring, Finlay's clear some room, and gives Justin a running toss to the floor (3:03) Hope he didn't hurt his arm there. I like how Lashley just shrugs. We've got Al, Stevie, Balls, Sandman and Angle versus Finlay, Show, Edge, Lashley, Orton and Shelton. Kurt almost has Orton out in the corner, ECW guys rush to help him, and WWE guys rush to stop them. It goes nowhere. Edge continues to get in cheap shots form the outside. Al Snow slipped thru the ropes for a second, and he's back with Head. Headbutt (with Al's actual head) for Shelton, Al swings Head at Shelton, Shelton ducks under and kills Al with a kick. He's gone. (3:29) Show got Head - no, the mannequin thingy. Meanwhile, Lashley realizes he's fighting Stevie Richards and that won't do - out goes Stevie. (3:41) It's getting pretty bad for ECW guys. Orton and Show sit back in corners while Shelton works over Sandman, and Lashley and Angle fight. (And I've forgotten Edge!) Center stage is left for Balls and Lashley, and Balls gets in exactly one Balls punch before Lashley realizes, "hey, I'm fighting Balls Mahoney, that won't due either!" Balls gets a ride. (3:57) 6 to 2 - or not for long, because Lashley's looking at the guy who's gone and not a guy who's still there - Kurt tosses him! (4:03) Kurt takes a break, leaving Sandman to brawl with Finlay. Orton calmly helps out with stomps. Angle goes after Shelton. Joey goes after as much of Sandman's criminal record as you can fit in thirty seconds. Is Edge up to something? Not yet. Replay of Balls going out, and replay of Kurt going. WWE guys seem more content to work over than to try and throw them out - which is why they must feel safe in taking a break here. (4:57)

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No one's been eliminated in the 3 minute interlude. The remaining RAW guys (minus Edge) are playing around with Sandman, while Angle's managed a momentary advantage on Finlay - German suplex! That's not going to get him out. Sandman gets punches on all the ECW guys, as we take a(n ill-timed) look at Edge sitting on the ECW announce desk - just as Sandman goes out. (5:12) The only man left for ECW is the recent defector. Edge makes sure to taunt Joey and Tazz, and Joey protests Edge's non-participation, suggesting it's illegal. Rules as moral high ground doesn't exactly work for ECW. Back in the ring, Shelton's working over Angle with kicks - but Angle catches one, and tosses Shelton out before he can hit the other. (5:25) Angle left versus Big Show, Randy Orton and Finlay. Does Finlay have a plan? He's GOTTA be the brains of this operation. They spread out and surround Angle. Finlay rushes him, and takes an overhead belly to belly. Orton charges, and there's one for him. Before we can even wonder about the chances of a trisect, Show grabs Angle in a goozle. Show smiles and looks around. Lifting him up - no, Angle slips free, Angle Slam! Angle's all fired up - till Finlay clotheslines him in the back of the head. Short clothesline, and another. Tazz is ripping Edge, who's lurking around ringside. Finlay scoops up Angle, with the intention of tossing him from a fireman's carry. They make it as far as the ropes, before Kurt gets free and fights back. European uppercut to the Irshman! Double leg, catapult, and out goes Finlay, the last SmackDown guy. Angle slowly pulls himself up with the ropes, and Edge slides in the ring, set up and waiting for Kurt to turn around. Kurt turns, Edge charges - and Kurt belly to belly suplexes him out! (6:11) Orton throws out Kurt! (6:16) RAW, I mean WWE wins, with two guys left. Actually, I guess I do mean RAW - they play RAW's music, so there you go. I would explain what this means, but I think you'd like to tell you something you don't already know. In this case, it's that the Big Show is standing behind Orton and not celebrating near as much as Orton. AW CRAP, he just ripped off his RAW shirt to show an ECW shirt underneath. Hey, moron, why didn't you do that at the start of the match? Hey, moron, why did you throw out Nunzio? Tazz and Joey are not in on this bit, but Orton is as soon as he turns back around. Chokeslam - or may I say an EXTREME Chokeslam. Show throws Orton out - oh, they're going to make like this makes any sense at all. (8:05 shown) They've finally gotten around to stealing the "and the NEW winner of this match" spot, I see. Lawler calls back to Show's speech, "ECW had no idea what it was going to get tonight?". Angle seems as surprised as everyone else, but I think he's going to be okay. (That makes one!) Hug. Announcers sells this as Brian Kendrick's finisher. Replay - Lawler notes the WWE had officially won the match, and he would seem to be right. We go out with Kurt Angle and Big Show, the guys that won the match for ECW.

Ahem.

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USA TV: Psych

ECW on Sci Fi

In the ECW locker room, everyone's toasting the newest member of ECW, the BIg Show. The Big Show, the newest member of ECW. "I've only got one thing to say - ECW!"

WWE Co-Hardcore Champion Edge (T dot O, 250 pounds, w/Mick Foley and Lita, already in the ring) vs wait a sec - hey, I forgot about this match. Perhaps Lawler should've reminded us when Edge was taking a break last match? Your ref is RAW's Chad, assuming we get that far. Joey: "Wasn't the Hardcore Title defended in a playground once?" Edge: "Listen, listen, listen. You want to talk hardcore - well, Mick Foley, he knows hardcore! He knows all about Terry Funk, Tommy Dreamer, and ECW, and he learned about it eleven years ago. Now, Mick, I know, you knew nothing about it, but I have a surprise for you. Watch it, feast your eyes on the Titantron. PLAY IT!"

ECW Television, 1995, Cactus Jack, in front of a ECW banner : "And so I'm saying to you, before I take these aggressions out on you, to look at your future, and realize that the hardcore life is a LIE! That these letters behind me are a blatten lie! That those fans who sit there and say 'He's Hardcore, He's Hardcore, He's Hardcore'...WOULDN'T PISS ON YOU IF YOU WERE ON FIRE, YOU SELFISH SON OF A BITCH!"

2006 Mick Foley seems to nod along in agreement with 1995 Cactus Jack's claims. Ah, here we go.

Edge (w/Lita and Mick Foley) vs Tommy Dreamer (Yonkers, NY, 245 pounds, w/Terry Funk, and barbed wire 2x4) - while Joey is at it, you think he'll mention that Tommy was the last WWE Hardcore Champion? He mentions his ECW World Title. Edge is going to counter with a chair. Both men swing, and Edge never seems to win these. The chair's dropped, and Edge drops to the mat before he gets brained by the barbed wire. Mick and Lita give the fight a wide birth as it spills outside. Dreamer swings at Edge, Edge rolls out of the way, and Dreamer hits the barricade. Edge takes the opening to clobber Dreamer, causing him to drop the 2x4. Edge tries to whip Dreamer into the steps, but Dreamer reverses it, and Edges  goes over the steps (and the 2x4). They're in front of the desk now, but bringing it back in. There's already a garbage can inside, and Dreamer empties it out. Road sign works for him - shot into Edge's back. Tazz is awful quiet - either his mic isn't working, or he and Joey are now taking turns bickering with Lawler. JR's been picking his spots to actually call the action, and staying out out of the argument . Thank the lord Coach ain't here. Dreamer off the ropes, but LIta's got her foot. Dreamer turns towards here, and Edge gets Dreamer with a forearm. Road sign to the head. Edge gets a metal tray - shot to the head. Edge lines up the can sideways. Whip, hiptoss blocked, and Dreamer gets a reverse neckbreaker. After Tazz tries to point that ECW wasn't all violence, but also the US exposure of a lot of different styles (weird time to do it!) Joey gets to use one of his own prepared bits here: "It was ECW who brought the late Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko and Rey Mysterio to television in the US, because at the time, the WWE didn't want them. They wanted 6 foot 5 inch bodybuilding stiffs, like the Ultimate Warrior and Lex Luger, and they can have them!" Joey needed to add "and still do", but maybe that was shot down in rehearsal. Lawler, rebutting: "You're right - ECW always has been and always will be the WWE's rejects." In the MATCH, Dreamer's set up a chair so they can try the drop toe hold bit there. Meanwhile, Foley's hilariously trying to rally Edge by yelling "WWE!" Whip, reversed, and it's Dreamer who takes the drop toe hold, but into the top edge of the chair! I'd imagine he's bleeding now, but he's grabbing his head at the moment. Edge has a garbage can lid - swung into Dreamer's head

Tazz talks about ECW's passion.
Lawler: "The new ECW better be new, because the old ECW sucked!" 
Tazz: "Well, you know what? Your whole career, you've been self-serving and all you cared about is yourself."
Lawler: "Is that right? Are you going to choke me? The only thing you'll choke on me is my - chicken"
He should've said rooster.

Meanwhile, in the physical combat, Edge added an elbow drop with the lid. As they show a replay of the Tommy's hellacious bump into the chair - something only JR seems to care about - Edge covers for two. Tazz stumbles over a return insult, and Lawler mocks his tongue tied ness ("just like every week on SmackDown!") Impaler DDT on the trash can - JR and Joey collectively decide to reign this in and call a move, since it could be the finish. One two no. Joey has a completely random story about the how you can't say "I quit" while in the Tazzmission. I guess he figured it would be better if Lawler yelled at him instead? JR accidentally inflames things, and - can you follow the match by my description right now? I hope I'm getting across the feeling of watching it, because it's absolutely brutal right now. Edge corner whips Dreamer, Dreamer reverses it, Edge kips up and out, and Dreamer casually low blow kicks him. Dreamer sets up Edge in the Tree of Woe; standing boot to the groin. Joey: "I can't say 'nads' on USA" and so he and Tazz say it five times. Dreamer sets up a chair on Edge's face while he's still hanging - there's the dropkick to the face. Scream. Referee Chad seems rather unbothered by it all - I wish I was him. Tazz and Joey are either trying hard to get JR to go off on them or to get JR to come on their side, depending on the second. Dreamer's out of the ring - he and Funk pull a table out and put it in. Someone gets muted in here; either they're way late again (on a Tazz "damn"), or it's crowd noise, not announcers. Lawler and Styles debate if this is Sports Entertainment, both taking somehow the anti-SE side! Joey: "This is wrestling! Sports entertainment is that Leprechaun that's with Finlay, on Friday nights." Lawler: "Leprechaun? What Leprechaun?" WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT LEPRECHAUNS? While Joey goes off on Lawler not watching the shows, back IN THIS MATCH, Dreamer sets up Edge for a superplex, aiming for the table. Time for the Lita spot: cane to Dreamer's back allows Edge to stop Dreamer, and start setting up for a superbomb. Terry Funk in, and he's got Lita by the hair. Lita's fighting to get free, and she's saved by that knight in shining white armor, Mick Foley. Foley must've pulled a part of barbed wire off of the 2x4, because he's choking Terry Funk with it. Lawler: "This is great!" You'd think Terry would be bleeding far more than he is, as he and Foley head out of the ring. Edge tries for that superbomb, but Dreamer won't go, not once, not twice, and by then, it's time for Edge to take a backdrop. Edge doesn't make it to the table, and barely makes it over, landing on his upper back and probably his neck. He immediately grabs his lower back in a lot of pain, and Chad checks on him. Dreamer turns around, having not heard the table impact, and figures a plan B as Chad gives a raised fist signal. Dreamer lifts Edge up, and carefully gives him a DVD thru (a very precut) table. Joey: "Another move invented in ECW - a Dreamer Driver!" Spicolli not dead anymore? One two NO Lita's going to prolong this with a cane shot to Dreamer's back. Here's another. Here's another - but Dreamer's stopped feeling them. Lita keeps getting hit, but Tommy's just getting angry. Tommy grabs Lita, and - you know how it's still the WWE? Dreamer's now powerbombing women. Well, at least in theory. Lita fights him, and Edge spears him. Both cover Dreamer, assuming his natural position, one two three. (the longest 6:45 of my life) Foley and Funk are still fighting on the outside - somehow, Funk is warped in barbed wire, and is punching Foley square in the head. Foley's got a black eye and probably worse at this point. Funk ends up slapping him the ground, and lays the badmouth on him. More mutes here (though they're still off) - maybe it was Funk before? Replay of the finish, and the two sides recover - well, not the announcers. Hey, what's the thing you want to least see next?

Video Package: See No Evil

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RAW Next Monday - filled with clips of those who haven't been seen at all tonight

In the middle of the a darkened ring, with one single spotlight on him, is Mick Foley. He's bleeding from the left eye area, and it's swelling quite badly there. Also, just like in the Cactus Jack clip from earlier, he seems teetering on the edge of sanity and about to fall: "Where the hell do any of you get off telling me, I sold out. [bleeding from the mouth too] Where do you get off, where do you find the nerve to call me a whore? You think I hate ECW? I loved that place! I LOVED THAT PLACE! But ECW simply didn't love ME back. [breathing hard] She's like the girl I can't let go of, but the one that makes me SICK upon seeking her. SHE WANTED TOO MUCH BLOOD, TOO MUCH OF MY HEART, TOO MUCH OF MY LIFE! So I left, and I found fame, and fortune, in WWE. [mixed - definite cheers] And Paul Heyman was right, there's only one real difference between me and Tommy Dreamer - I'm a whore, and he's not! You see, seven years ago, I pulled a sock out of my pants, and made Vince McMahon left, and the doors opened wide for Mick Foley! But not for Tommy Dreamer - all he's got is his heart, his pride, and the initials ECW. And I want to tell Edge that I went back, and I watched our WrestleMania match, the Greatest Hardcore Match Of All Time, I said. Well - the truth is, maybe it wasn't quite as good as I thought! Maybe Edge, you and I are going to have to be tougher than ever! Hungrier than ever! Sicker than ever! To walk in to that steaming cesspool that is the Hammerstein Ballroom! 2500 sickening twisted fans, screaming for our blood! Because Tommy Dreamer can do everything I can, and maybe with more passion! He's going to beat us up, all over New York City! He's going to bludgeon us. Terry Funk, the greatest wrestler I ever saw. If you look at Terry Funk, and you see an old man - you're not seeing the real Terry Funk! His slaps hurt worse then most men punches! His punches dole out concussions. And when he picks up a weapon, he can use it like no man ever has! He is in excruciating pain, waking up every single day, looking for one more chance to one more great last match! I blew the son of a bitch up up in Japan, and he came back, and hugged me. I set him on fire in Philadelphia, and he put his arm around me! He doesn't put his arm around me anymore. I don't want your arm around me, Terry Funk! Tommy Dreamer, the only difference between me and you is I had the guts to go to the WWE! [to random fan] NO, YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH! Because when Edge and I go to the Hammerstein Ballroom, Edge and I are prepared to take the beating of our lives! And I will do that to exercise - the sick twisted whore that is ECW! [boos - Foley wipes part of the the blood off his face] I want her out of my life! You've sick me thrown off cells, you've seen me slammed tacks, you've seem me go thru a burning table at WrestleMania - IT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO THE HORRORS I WILL UNLEASH ON DREAMER AND FUNK AT - GOD DAMN YOU ECW! I'm going to stake the hearts of your heroes, and I'm going to shove them down your throats, for making me fall in love with you to begin with! YOU STEPPED ON MY HEART! YOU STEPPED ON MY SOUL! YOU TOOK EVERYTHING I BELIEVED IN - AND YOU THREW IT AWAY! And now, when I walk into the ring at the Hammerstein ballroom, as a WWE legend, you, TERRY FUNK, and you, TOMMY DREAMER, will learn about loss! Have a nice day." Lights come up, as we go to

JR and Lawler. JR believes this could be the last match for one, if not all four, of those involved. Lawler gets in 1 word before the ECW guys are arguing with him. I really wish they just went to break. Time for Lawler and Tazz's to cut promos on each other again. Lawler: "I've got more wrestling ability in one of my little farts than you do in your entire body." Lawler wants to go for now. Oh no, the glasses are off. Why is Joey laughing? Oh, because Tazz is going to kill him. Tazz faces Lawler, both standing in between the desks and the ring, and one right hand punch later, Lawler is down. Lawler is back up, and they're talking thru the mutes. Lawler punches back, and Tazz is shaken, but now down. Now they both go grappling on top of the ECW desk. Joey and JR are staying out of the way at the WWE desk. Tazz and Lawler hockey scrum over to the time keeps desk, and then under the ECW table - crowd boos either because they disappear from sight, or because security and refs are there to break it up. Joey wants to see them keep going, but JR is trying to help break it up. 

Next: John Cena vs Sabu [extreme] 

ECW: ONS
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ECW on Sci Fi

A look at the announce desk shows that no one gotten taken away (booo), they're stuck three lucky referees between the two booths. Tazz and Lawler haven't agreed to shut up, sadly. JR: "Let's just get thru this."

Video Package: Cena, RVD, and ECW on RAW 

WWE Champion John Cena (West Newberry, MA, 248 pounds) vs Sabu (235 pounds) in an extreme non-title match - Lawler on Cena: "The reason all the fans are here tonight!" So that's what it sound like if Lillian introduced Sabu. They have his music, or an approximation. He brings a chair to throw at the ring, which bounces off and almost gets a production assistant. Mickie Jay's working this match too? I mean, I don't if SD!'s Chris Kay should be working the main event, but he should be working - maybe the dark match? Bless JR for ignoring everyone and talking over them. They start with punches, and Cena wins that. Whip, back elbow, Cena off the ropes, elbow drop, one two no.  Right. Head into the buckle for Sabu. Cena taking a street fighter's stance and working over Sabu in the corner with measured punches. Suplex. One two no. Right. Forearm to the back. Whip, head down too soon, Sabu off the ropes, Cena catches him in a bearhug, hitch, and then the side belly to belly suplex. One two no. Cena on top of Sabu and raining punching. Cena is warned about the punches, and lets up to wait for Sabu to get up. Cena kicks him. Forearm. Sabu trying to punch back, but Cena punches him into the corner. Choke - crowd booing. CENA SUCKS chant takes hold. Cena backs off of Sabu. Lawler says "I've had girls hit me harder than that", and Joey and Tazz try to break the land speed record with a comeback. Kick by Cena, all out corner whip. Cena looks to follow up, and Sabu gets the advantage for the first time with a low blow kick. Sabu tosses Cena out. Sabu goes towards the ropes, Mickie questions him, and Sabu points to the sky in response. Slingshot tope con giro; Joey audibly pats himself on the back for (incorrectly) calling it a senton. Sabu gets his char, and throws it in Cena's face. Chair thrown in, Cena thrown in, Sabu back in. Point, and Cena gets the chair thrown at him again (though he does a better job of getting his hands up this time.) Sabu sets up the chair - triple jump moonsault. I wasn't sure he was going to make it (and neither was Cena.) One two no. Cena crawling towards the corner, so Sabu sets up the chair and backs up - Air Sabu. One two NO. Arabian Facebuster, and Cena rolls out. Sabu out after him, and whipping Cena into the steps. Joey kinda backwardly buries ECW - he explains ECW went under because they had to pay for TV, which is true but sure doesn't sound good - but Lawler doesn't have a chance for a response, because Sabu's just thrown Cena into the WWE announce desk. Jumping legdrop on the desk, legdrop on the floor. Sabu brings it back inside and stomps Sabu. One two no. Sabu has the chair, and Mickie Jay is begging off. Sabu setting up for Air Sabu again, and the crowd senses this is a bad bad idea. JR finally snaps almost exactly two hours in; he's earned many points for lasting as long as he did with these dorks and morons. Sabu charges and jumps off the chair, but Cena catches him. Sabu lifted up in the fireman's carry. FU. Cena's got the STFU locked on Sabu at the six minute mark, away from the ropes, and whatever happens next will probably tell the whole story. AW CRAP - I couldn't even finish that before I could spot Big Show running towards the ring. Show saves Sabu from a certain 6 minute doom. As a topper, Mickie Jay calls for the bell. (DQ in a extreme match, 6:10) Edge is in, Mark Henry is in, Rey Mysterio is in (and now he hates ECW again), Lashley is in, Mick Foley is in, Orton is in, RVD is in, Matt Hardy is in, Tatanka is in, Finlay is in, Tommy Dreamer is in, Kurt Angle is in, all of the ECW guys are finally in, the refs are in, all the rest of WWE guys who appeared are in, and the announcers battle to get the last word in.

Speaking for myself - I'm out.