RAWTarded - 11.08.05
by Tanvir Raquib
PROLOGUE:
Time flies by when you go to the Spring Thomas website and realize that here she goes again banging some self-hating black man as she spews racist slurs while I wonder to myself, "is life really worth living?"
Well, folks - last Monday, I can be honest with you: it really wasn’t worth it. No, I can fully claim that throughout all the trials and tribulations of my days, the fragile worth of my existence truly came to an all-time low as I watched 450 pound Vader and a rather fleshy internet-icon Dustin Rhodes as Goldust make their unremarkable returns.
So, as I await the call of Death, I’ve decided to review Raw in a way that many people have done, but in a way that I claim as my own: a truly half-ass Raw review. I can promise you bad jokes, a noted futile attempt at gaining companionship other than helplessly clicking away at the "Casual Encounters" link at your local Craigslist website, and much, much frankincense. I’ll review Raw by remembering what I recall while adding much spastic tomfoolery along the way.
TRYING TO REMEMBER WHEN I TURNED ON MY TELEVISION
Ah, yes. It was about ten minutes in tonight as I contemplated
why pleated pants just weren’t my style, as I turned on my television as
realized that, oh my, our first match of the evening!
EDGE GETS THE SLEDGE
Bischoff kicked Edge out of Raw and now, he’s gotta go to
Smackdown and wrestle Batista. I wonder if Edge will bring Vader and Goldust
along with him. If he does, he should definitely use his Old Navy card and get
Vader a fleece jacket. I enjoy Edge’s jacket because it’s from Old Navy and
I didn’t buy it first. Sadly, he’ll always get the [pardon, my pun] edge over
me because he’s Puerto Rican. [sigh]
CARLITO vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN
You know, I really had a glimmering light of hope that Shelton
would win this match, even though I know that Matt Striker beat him on Heat and
all, but still. Shelton and Carlito did some great armdraggery in this match and
Shelton ran off the top of the apron with a forward roll into a neckbreaker on
Carlito, who was standing outside the ring. That was one of the most impressive
moves of the night. Sadly, talent in the ring isn’t what brings you to the
pinnacle of sports entertainment. It’s politically motivated ass-kissing and
incredibly overrated ring presence.
Carlito, you certainly did win this match while holding onto the ropes, how do you feel?
Sadly, he hasn’t responded to this question. More later next week – until I read this all back and realize I should really hibernate for another year before reviewing a wrestling show, or any show, for that matter!
GIRLS GONE WILD [James/Stratus vs. Victoria/Michelle]
Mickee James is tremendous as her offense looked really crisp
tonight, while Candice had surprisingly good athleticism as she just almost fell
right on her head hanging upside down on the ropes. Her head was about four
inches from the canvas so kudos to her for trying. James sacrificed herself for
Trish by getting hit with Michelle’s wand, but it looked pretty fake. I was
checking out the wand and wondering what is up with giving girls a signature
item to hold. Remember Ivory’s purple scarf? And Torrie’s dog? I just can’t
wait for Aja Kong waving her twelve inch dildo.
MEGAPOWERS COLLIDE!!!
Oh, I don’t mean Hogan and Savage.
It’s far great than that.
In one corner, stands a man, tutored and trained to defend
truth, justice and fight a frightening obesity that has taken the lives of many
Samoans.
In the other corner, stands a man, accused of betraying his
student, a true superhero who gave it all just to fulfill the selfishness that
bred inside him since his father’s sperm penetrated his mother’s egg.
Yes, this is a war more important than life, death or discussing
whether El Signo really is the most underrated fat man in the history of lucha
libre.
It’s Rosey vs. Gregory Helms. And it was short and sweet and
Helms hit his shining wizard as my cat climbed on top of my table or counter or
whatever. All this while I was trying to imagine any differences between this
and Arik Cannon’s glimmering warlock.
No point in bemoaning the obvious
Kane and Big Show had a hardcore match with Cade ‘n Murdoch.
Shit, it’s been fucking four hours since I started this review and I’ve
a.] done nothing
b.] realized that the Crack Whore Confessions website is a good
self-esteem provider
c.] recognized that my ass really needs to go back to work
TOMORROW
d.] still mourning the loss of my sanity
It’s a wonderful life!
This was short and entertaining. Nice to see Cade go through a table. Or was it Murdoch? All’s I know is that the show wasn’t all that fun for me, so I’m just going to proceed to make reading this even more unredeeming.
KURT ANGLE IS NOT A STAR
I like saying highly provocative things that may make some smark
ass nigga want to read what I have to right after reading this, but I’d like
to just mention that I laid down on my bed for a little while before watching
the rest of Raw, because I wasn’t all too excited seeing the main event and it
was like a quarter past 10. So yeah, I went to bed for like 10 minutes.
And then I rose from my bed. And stumbled into my living room to watch the rest of Raw. I do this for you, my children. Yes, even you, Danvers Budhwa. Maybe you’re google your name sometime and see that you’re held in prominence in the unforgiving world of the internet wrestling community! Rejoice, my former classmate from first to sixth grade, rejoice!
"WAH, WAH, WAH CALL THE WAHMBULANCE" – JBL
Basically, Kurt complains to Bischoff that he hates hearing the
"You Suck" chants. Personally, those chants wouldn’t be half as
relevant if everybody said it to Spring Thomas. I acknowledge that my level of
knowledge regarding relatively unknown internet whores has put off all two of
you (Sorry, mom), but I just had to do it. So Angle won’t wrestle
tonight without his own SPECIAL referee.
Can we guess the ref?
Around the time I got out of bed, I went online to the Delphi wrestling chat room [/threadapa] and we all discussed who COULD be the special ref. Someone called it and we’ll hand out brownies at the end of this ridiculously long, masturbatory, circle-jerkish diatribe.
Okay, maybe not.
FLAIR’S GETTING IT THE CON WAY TONIGHT
Ouch. So HHH has his own little couch by the Raw entrance and
Rob Conway and Flair have a little match that Flair wins. And that’s fine,
since I always feared that Rob Conway and his amazingly over gimmick was going
to take the IC belt. Especially since there are so many other well-deserving
athletes out there on the Raw roster – like um, Matt Striker? Anyhow, down
comes HHH and he and Flair fight through the crowd and no one really cares. Man,
this sure is getting my hopes up for future programming! All we need now is for
someone to explain my love for peanut butter sandwiches and my absolute hatred
for all jelly. And coffee – it’s the death of me. If Eric Bischoff missed
throwing coffee at Eddie Guerrero and hit me instead, I’d probably die and in
my next life, become an illiterate Mexican farmhand making pennies for thirteen
hour days of work.
Fight the labor laws, folks – legalize slavery.
This message has been brought to you by Tanvir Raquib, who believes in euthanasia for retarded babies.
INTRIGUE! How will
John Cena coexist with Shawn Michaels???
INTERVENTION! Will Kurt Angle’s meddling ways help to
make Chris Masters any less revolting???
ISLAM! Khosrow Daivari is YOUR special guest referee????
Man, when Daivari’s theme song hit and I could hear the late Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan’s voice singing his version of Sura Nas, I knew that the moon and stars were align perfectly up in the heavens. And I knew that Daivari, a sacrifical lamb, a martyr the last time we saw him, was back from where he’d gone to – yes, Deep South Wrestling.
This match was kooky as the crowd really was 50/50 on Cena as all the women were juicing their cootches up when he came out and all the kiddies paraded around in their "Chain Gang Soldier" jerseys and wristbands.
All the men frankly sat on their asses and fondly remembered back to a time when men were men. And when they didn’t have to look like a street thug in order to be a champion. A time when things were better.
Indeed, the McMahon Family Era was truly a remarkable era in sports entertainment.
Daivari was fucking great, though. Cena moving all around the outside of the ring like the hopped-up-on-pills seven year old didn’t fly with our Iranian hero. [Sorry, Sheiky. Get well!] THAT’S RIGHT – HOLD THE TAG ROPES, CENA. And his heelish fast counts were tremendous. He lost all his Iranian, but I’m sure there will be weeks more to come of it! And there was this really neat sequence involving this chair that he gave Masters, but when HBK uses the chair – DQ!!! And how he’d turn his back when the heels cheat – it was GREAT. They might bring him in as a manager to Angle, but he might be even better as the heel BROWN referee who does his job even MORE incompetently than Nick Patrick could have DREAMED of doing at Starrcade ’97!
EPILOGUE
Thanks for reading. This might have been the worst Raw review/recap on the internet for this week, but if I get the response I’m looking for [undoubtedly, none of you will e-mail me], I’ll be sure to do this another time. Yeah, whenever I crap out on my real responsibilities. And if Cubs lets me.