TNA Unbreakable
09/11/05 - Orlando, FL
Tanvir Raquib - t.raquib@gmail.com
What’s up, all you frightening black people?! Don’t steal my wallet just yet because I need to finish this recap of TNA’s new pay-pre-view, Unbreakable, whose replay I watched last night! So let’s get all the pleasantries out of the way – my name is Tanvir Raquib and my penis is bigger than yours. Except for you, Butch Rosser. But hey, it beats having to audition for the Monsters of Cock website!
I missed the entire pre-show because I was watching Intervention on A&E! Yeah, so apparently, the hooker is still trickin’ and sellin’ herself for heroin. And the rich kid is in real estate. Sadly, I am still spending endless nights thinking about becoming a woman. Thanks a lot, Sean Shannon!
AUSTIN ARIES vs. RODERICK STRONG
This was short and fun, kinda like these guys. Aries is really fluid in the ring – everything just looks very realistic when he’s in the ring. Strong certainly looks like a very capable young man. The crowd was really hot for these guys with their “ROH” chants. Aries won and I hope they put him in some kind of program, but that’s gonna be kinda hard with one whole hour of weekly programming.
3 LIVE KRU vs. DIAMONDS IN THE ROUGH
I had to step out for a few minutes, but realizing that none of these guys are very good, I didn’t really seem to care. I know Simon slapped Elix in the face again. And Elix does nothing? Man, black people sure have changed. And 3 Live Kru are soon to be tag team champions of the world, says B.G. James. Well, if you have a schtick, stick with it. But Ron Killings’ dance just makes me feel very awkward. Where’s Fred Astaire when you really need him???
MONTY BROWN and KIP JAMES vs. APOLO and LANCE HOYT
So Monty, he’s pretty cool, but only outside of the ring. Kip James is terrible and that has always been the case. Apolo is big and shows me nothing but mediocrity. Lance Hoyt might as well be tied with Cassidy Reily for the gayest tattoo in the wrestling business. Monty said in an interview earlier that Kip needs to get his head in the game. And there was this really weird confrontation with Jarrett before this bullshit. Whatever! Monty’s obviously getting the push and Hoyt is really popular with the TNA fans, so Apolo, you’re jobbin’ to the pooooooooooooounce. This match sucked the fucking choad as someone decided to give this way more time then it needed.
Team Canada did an interview! No one cares! Traci Brooks looks manly without makeup!
CHRIS SABIN vs. PETEY WILLIAMS
Sabin is really good while Williams is really short. I don’t get all the Petey love or hate, as he’s just so mediocre to me. Sabin bumped all over the ring and this was pretty fun to watch as you just didn’t know who’d win. The Canadian Destroyer is OK and I’m not to worried about whether it exposes the business when Tully Blanchard is clearly cutting the living hell out of his arm on camera, yet people still call his cage match with Magnum TA a classic. Sabin’s finisher is cool and I’d suggest seeing this match as it was good!
Then some bullshit with Matt Bentley happened. Who the fuck cares as he’s so bland that he’s not even overrated. He superkicked both guys and showed off his new roided physique. Cue the TNA fanbase longing for the return of Phi Delta Slam.
ABYSS vs. SABU
Abyss came out first and James Mitchell didn’t talk to some shit and then IT’S ALL BLACK and OMG there’s Sabu pointing towards the Heavens!!! This was a little sloppy and a little spectacular, as with most good Sabu matches. The table spots were set up a little sloppy, but Sabu sure does know how to go through ‘em. He didn’t miss anything glaring, so I’m thrilled. It was fun to watch and Sabu took the black hole slam into a bunch of thumbtacks. The camera showed neat close-ups of his back. It was gross, but pretty fucking cool. That was the finish. This was good and the crowd really enjoyed it.
Poor ALEX SHELLEY?! Where is SEAN WALTMAN?!
BOBBY ROODE vs. JEFF HARDY
This was a lot of Roode on offense, and I really think that this wasn’t his coming-out party. Not that he’s gay or anything, but I know there’s a lot of pressure on him to show that he can be pushed as a star, but the match plodded along. Hardy was getting tired after about five minutes and a Jarrett run-in a couple minutes later, and this was over. Oh yeah, Roode won, but not impressively at all.
ELIMINATION MATCH FOR THE NWA TAG TITLES: THE NATURALS vs. AMW vs. TEAM CANADA vs. ALEX SHELLEY
There is no Sean Waltman! Oh no! This match went about ten minutes too long as it was a lot of Alex Shelley getting his ass kicked from everybody since he had no partner. The Candido family was sitting at ringside and there’s Johnny Candido. The Naturals gave him a yellow towel that Chris wore I guess. Since Shelley’s a heel, the crowd really didn’t seem to care one way or another about him getting his ass kicked. Johnny ran in to be Alex’s partner, but he got pinned after a minute after the hot tag. The Naturals won in the end, but shit, I was bored out of my skull. Way too much A-1. Terrible.
Hahahaha Rhino called Steph a Hollywood bitch. I love it.
RHINO vs. RAVEN in a RAVEN’S RULES MATCH for the NWA title.
Lou Thesz must have rolled over in his grave about ten-fold ever since Jarrett won control of the belt, but he might have tonight. This was bloody and exciting and I liked it lots. It went back and forth, but I believe it was pretty damn good. However, Raven’s offense is pretty dry. But I’m a sucker for love like Urkel was a sucker for love so there. The ending was Jarrett running in, then Jeff Hardy, and whatever Raven gets the DDT for the win. There was interference from Raven lackey Cassidy Reily and then Jeff Jarrett and then Jeff Hardy, but it’s to be expected, I guess. This is TNA, you know.
AJ STYLES vs. SAMOA JOE vs. CHRIS DANIELS for the X Division Title
This was long and pretty fun to watch as these guys didn’t fuck up a single bump or move. However, I think AJ brought things down a little with his RVD-tastic offense. Also, I feel Samoa Joe didn’t get to showcase himself, but I can accept that since he’s hardly been in TNA, while the other two have been there since the beginning and they’re gonna be on Spike soon. It needed more Joe and less Styles, but I still enjoyed it as it led to quite a few bumps which were ridiculous like Joe’s dive over the top rope into a twisting crossbody. Insanity and the crowd really ate it up. Styles won the belt and I hope this only means more Styles/Joe.
Addendum: This was not a great show, as the only reason I bought this show was because of the main event and the awesome Sacrifice PPV [which was technically better than ONS] from last month. A troika of boring matches that either went too long or made me want to kill myself made this not as worth the $29.95. But Abyss/Sabu was pretty good, as most Abyss hardcore matches are – and the X Division three-way was a good match for it’s style, which I am not a huge fan of – other than the WMXX main event. So yeah, rent it! Peace, negroes! And remember, those Asian children will always be better than you in Math and they’ll grow up to make tons more money than your unemployed ass.