THE BENGALI IDIOT’S TEN-STEP GUIDE THROUGH UNEMPLOYMENT
Posted: 05/22/04

Sup, dudes. I’ve been meaning to write up something for Cubs for like two years, but things have gotten in the way of doing so – namely, my employment status. See, I used to work at the New York Public Library, where I moved books around, talked shit with niggaz and basically went through stages of overworking my body to being a complete slacker. I only thought I’d work for one year, but it soon turned into two, and well, you get the idea – I was stuck. 

Stuck until one day, some fool got in my face about something I said, which wasn’t much, but I certainly wasn’t talking shit about him. And well, I decided to quit soon after. It only took almost three years, but shit, I did it! And it gave me a whole lotta time to sit on my ass and do shit, which wasn’t much, but I think it would be a damn help to all of you lousy, no-good unemployed jackasses who read this site. And so, I present to you…

THE BENGALI IDIOT’S TEN-STEP GUIDE THROUGH UNEMPLOYMENT

Thaaaaaaat’s right. Ten fucking steps to get through your unemployment status. Trust me – it’s the greatest thing ever, because I followed these same exact steps and look where I’m at – now, I have a job that I *actually* like AND I finally have found time to write for Cubs’ site. Now that’s stylish, motherfucker!

1. POST ON THE CUBS FAN’S COMMENT BOARD
Damn right. The Cubs Fan’s comment board is probably the greatest unseen thing on the internet other than my Delphi forum before motherfuckers started linking to it and bringing in the likes of TheDuffo and Joe Kock. 

I’m sure if you don’t know who I’m talking about, you’ve either:
a.] already clicked the back button on your browser
b.] contemplated having sex with two guys at the same time
c.] made up your mind that I’m completely insane 
Those are all fine choices, as I am pretty apathetic towards any and all persons. 

Regardless, those mornings waking up at 11AM after staying up until 3:30 the night before to look at video clips from donkeysex.com can go a whole lot quicker with the usage of Cubs’ comment board. You’ve got such luminaries as…

LONG-TIME THE CUBS FAN AFFICIANADO AND THE FIRST CONTRIBUTOR OTHER THAN CUBS TO HIS SITE AND THE CREATOR OF THE CUBS FAN’S LOGO – TANVIR RAQUIB!

GRUMPY BITTER BLACK MAN WHO RECAPS AND WAS THE STAR OF RANT CENTRAL AND HATES ASIAN GIRLS AND THUS GAINED HATRED FROM THE DVDVR- SCOTT CHRIST [p.s. he also was a Shooter] [p.p.s. he also got hit but a car oh wait he didn’t!]

SOUNDS LIKE CORIANDER - CORRADO 

HE WRITES FOR WEEKLY VISITOR – THE MYSTERIOUS JG 

WRITES A WHOLE LOTTA SHIT ON THE WEB. I’D LET THIS MAN MARRY MY FUCKING SISTER. WAIT, I DON’T HAVE ONE. – JOE GAGNE

THE ONE JEWISH GUY I ACTUALLY LIKE AND HE’S ON THE INTERNET – JUSTIN SHAPIRO

I DIDN’T KNOW THERE WERE TWO – THE NEXT MIDEON 

Also, Butch Rosser comments sometimes. And CRZ popped in to give Cubs his birthday e-dap. Note: If you don’t know what a fucking dap is, then please, turn off your computer and actually go outside and TALK to people. ‘Course this is coming from me so take what I say with a half-grain of salt, I suppose. 

2. WATCH A WHOLE LOT OF CHRIS HERO
Aight, so people are gonna say that I’ve latched on to the latest internet darling and though, he might be, he’s also really fucking good and I think he’s underrated because none of these indies on the East Coast are going out of their way to bring this dude in other than the festering shit-hole also known as CZW. I mean, really, where is the love for this guy as he’s totally what I have learned to love about wrestling – he’s really stiff with everything from forearms, clotheslines, punches, kicks, etc. And his moveset is incredibly realistic – meaning it’s not very flashy in the sense of twirling around in a million directions before hitting a fucking bodypress but moreso in that shoot sense that guys like Regal and Benoit have been busting it out since I have walking around in curry-stained diapers. Wait, maybe those weren’t curry-stained…

Nevertheless, go check all this guy’s matches out while you’re unemployed because really, you’ll be in awe of all his ridiculous submissions and the supposed restholds don’t give ANYBODY the impression of being a resthold but actually creates the idea that “hey, this dude is stretching the shit out of this nigga.” Also, he’s fucking 6’4 and can wrestle his ass off for an hour or two. Really – go check out Scott’s review of cool shit in 2003 here. That’s what inspired me to get tapes of Hero’s work. I’m not gonna tell you what matches to get as everyone knows what they are, but I’m gonna tell you that you’re missing a hell of an athlete who brings something different to the indie scene and that’s someone with an amazing Malenko-like moveset with great psychology and who has the ability to work with ANYONE and get something special out of ‘em. Really, you’ll be amazed sitting on your couch while eating your chips, you fat retard. 

3. SEND OUT RESUMES EVERYWHERE
You know what the cool thing about being unemployed is? Not having to deal with your supervisors’ and co-workers’ bullshit. You know what the bad thing is? Not having a fucking paycheck to support your ass. I had been sending resumes EVERYWHERE for like forever. Monster, Hotjobs, Craigslist. Dude, it’s a fucking warzone out there so just send shit left and right and maybe you’ll score something. And if you don’t, bring a 40 home and laugh hysterically while rummaging through those monster.com job submissions and those weekly job search agent notifications. Really!

Hey, this temp agency saw my resume up on monster.com and that’s how my ass got employed. Ain’t that some shit. I never believed the commercial but it actually pulled through for my ass for once. Go fucking figure. So really, the best option is to be very desperate during these sad times. Well, be desperate but still don’t forget to look at porn or wrestling or any of the other things I’m going to talk about. Oh, yeah. Porn.

4. PORN
Hey, when all else fails, there’s always porn to look at. There’s something for everyone. Just go to www.thehun.com and BOOM motherfucker there is whatever you’re into right there. See, during these times of unemployment, you’re gonna have to do something to alleviate all the stress of being a fucking loser and shit – that porn should do the damn trick. I really don’t recommend Consumption Junction that much as like half their videos take too fucking long to download. And Stile is really fucking lame as all his vidvault has links to a bunch of sites that are all related. So there’s no variety in the kinds of hoes you can look at. I mean, really, how many times can you look at Dirty Latina Maids before you’re feeling like you ended up in the middle of a rich white person’s garden? 

5. LISTENING TO LOTS OF HIPHOP
Hip-hop was made by disenfranchised blacks and hispanics in the South Bronx. And it’s that message of disenfranchisement that attracted millions of dumb white kids and attracted them to walk, talk and dress like their cooler, poorer black heroes. Don’t scream at and say nasty things to that retarded-looking wigger across the street from you who’s beginning to have his teeth capped like one of the members of UGK, oh no. Instead, embrace what he embraces. The rebel yell of our nation – the hiphop. Well, the real hiphop. Wanna hear the top five hiphop records of all-time, as proclaimed by yours truly? Well, here ya go…

1. Nas Illmatic – single greatest rap album of all time. Ten songs, they’re all great and the subject matter is still very much current today. You might be like – Nas? You mean that wack dude from “Nastradamus” and “Oochie Wally (Remix)”? The dudes who writes songs about money and hoes, right? Yeah, but see – the ultimate theme of this album is the goal to get those money and hoes. He wasn’t talking about getting them yet. Essentially, Illmatic represents the ultimate struggle of the disenfranchised, lyrically and musically. Cop that shit, homie. 

2. Dr. Dre The Chronic – Dre doesn’t write any of his lyrics, but don’t let that stop ya. Man, this album represents everything ya gotta love about west coast hiphop – lotsa talk about killing people and rebelling against the white man. You might be white, but shit, revolution’s gotta start somewhere. This album came out after the Rodney King riots and this album was the perfect collection of songs to represent that era. Kurupt, RBX, Lady of Rage and Snoop Dogg kill every verse they’re on and you’ve gotta love that. All the beats are fucking tight and if you smoke weed which I do not, you may love it!

3. Ghostface Killah Ironman – the more I listen to this album, the more I learn to love it. Ghostface Killah was great in this and I think it’s been overlooked in favor of Supreme Clientele and that’s a damn shame. Ghost does everything well – flow, versatile lyricism, innovative hooks, whatever. He also raps about wallabies and clarks, whatever those are, so if you’re hip to wanting to look fresh wearing your wonder woman bracelet but can’t because you’re too poor, just put down $11.99 and pretend you already are by purchasing this masterpiece.

4. Ol’ Dirty Bastard Return to the 36 Chambers – Hey, this album was recorded by the always drunk and psychotic Russell Jones and this shit is classic and the perfect album for any and all people who are unemployed because every track is fucking bonkers as the listeners are shocked by the length of depravity that ODB goes down as the album goes along. And hey, at the end of the record, at least you can tell yourself that you haven’t stooped down to those levels yet in your pathetic, non-working existence. 

5. Wu-Tang Clan Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) – Nine emcees gathered together – from the shitholes of Staten Island – to form the greatest rap group of all-time. Most of the guys were either selling drugs, being bike messengers or just being lazy and drunk like ODB – so it shows all listeners that you can come from the lowest depth of life and actually climb to find multi-platinum success with lotsa hoes. And really, ain’t that all a nigga wants?!

And that’s a damn good list. 

6. GETTING REALLY FUCKING DRUNK 
Ya know, I didn’t drink once during my brief era of unemployment. But when I was really depressed back last year, doing something self-destructive like drinking an entire 40 oz. of Ole English 800 before hitting the train was something that didn’t seem like a bad idea. And hey, what do you have to lose? Your life? Come on, we all know that death is inevitable, anyway, so if you wanna fuck up your liver, then please, go right ahead. But don’t forget to scrawl your phone number on your belly with a dirty pencil in case the cops find you in some dumpster. They’re gonna have to call your mommy and daddy, bud. I’ve seen my homeboy, Skaboom really drink himself to a real funk on many an occasion and look how great he’s become since! 

7. JOIN AN E-FED
Hey, there’s nothing better than joining an e-fed, but I think it’s even better when you’re in an e-fed with either two types.
a.] 15-year-old kids who come out to Papa Roach and whose prrormos sondsseplt lieke this lol 
b.] really anal IWP’s who take everything so fucking seriously and who get offended really easily
This is even better during a period of unemployment because you’re actually slightly flirting with the fact that you actually have a life by pretending to be a wrestler who kicks peoples’ asses and fucks their bitches and promos on tops of their momma’s momma before feeding them the big kielbasa. For those hours of promo-typing, you actually think you’re the shit and well, positivity is tha shit, yo. 

8. OMG MAKE A BLOG 
Totally – you can document your life daily by telling the internet masses of how fucking lame your life is because you’ve got shit in your saving account and you’re busy brutally attacking prostitutes in order to make rent. Oh wait – that’s Johnny Grunge! Whatever – I’m just trying to think of ideas in order to help y’all do shit while you’re fighting and flirting with the idea to actually toss burgers around at Mickey Dee’s. 

9. HIT THE GYM 
What I’ve noticed is that these really big dudes that you see on the street don’t really make a whole lot of money because they’re mostly spending their time in the gym working out weird muscles in their backs or whatever. So yeah, get a gym membership and hit that fucking gym. My friend lost a ton of weight during his period of unemployment because back when he worked, he used to go to Mickey Dee’s like everyday during his lunch so he fucking ballooned to 250 lbs. Now, he’s like 197 and that’s quite a change. 

10. KILL YOURSELF 
Suicide is the ultimate answer to everything because you don’t have to deal with any of the bullshit that you’ve been going through DAY AFTER DAY AFTER FUCKING DAY. I think having motivation to kill yourself should come from a good source and folks, I’ve stumbled on a great source to lead to your eventual self-inflicted death…and it’s the return of that wrestling site that doesn’t even deserve a fucking plug. Laugh with me as you hit the About Us page and they have a listing of who was actually a part of the site but ain’t even ‘bout to fuck with these jokers this time around. And then laugh with me as you check out who they’ve brought in. That’s right, team emzee is in full force. If that’s not enough reason to end your miserable unemployed life after reading their shit columns, then sir, nothing will. Or shit, why don’t just end your life after reading my long diatribe, huh? 

THERE YOU FUCKING HAVE IT. THE BENGALI IDIOT’S TEN-STEP GUIDE THROUGH UNEMPLOYMENT. ENJOY! 

Tanvir Raquib
traquib515@yahoo.com 

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