Bengali Heat (01/27/02)
Posted: 01/28/02
What's up, people? Back for another contribution to the site, but I must enlighten all you readers onto a major announcement. See, the announcement is well…nothing. Shocking - that a recapper would have nothing of value to contribute to his supposed readers.
I was too lazy to watch Metal last night, but HeAT was on and the match results sounded alright. Plus the guest host has a nice ass that would entice certain fans to fantasize about involving themselves in anal intercourse with her. Is that wrong? I don't think so! Maybe we'll see her naked in Swank in ten years. I might buy it if I'm not too busy buying hand jobs from big headed Korean girls in Chinatown.
Anyway, it would be a good idea to start this recap. I have to make sure that my glibness and annoying tendency to turn everything into a non-sequitor.
Bengali HeAT - An excuse NOT to engage in pre-marital sex!
Live at the heart of Times Square. And there's Stacy popping out of the limo. Yep. Baby got back.
Theme. ANGRY HENRY ROLLINS GRR.
WE'RE AT WWFNY! LET'S LOOK AT THE AUDIENCE.
Tazz and Cole talk. There's the tag team belt.
Hey, we're watching our first match. There's the GODFATHER, who is legitimate. Where are the escorts? OKAY, NOW THEY'RE HERE. Look at all the white bitches. None of them look like strippers at all. This upsets me. The last girl is pretty good looking.
And here's his opponent - LANCE STORM. So, these guys have beef - check out the altercation on RAW.
The escorts leave the ring, which helps Storm attack Godfather from behind. Punches and hey, he's helping Godfather take off his jacket. Forearms, but here's a Godfather kick. Whip and an elbow from the reformed pimp. Now, he's choking Storm on the ropes for a 4 count. Yep, he's a face. Meet the turnbuckle, Storm. Cross corner whip - IS IT TIME FOR THE HO TRAIN? Nope, Storm slips out. Godfather is dumb, so Storm pulls him out of the ring, as well. Storm with punches. Throws Godfather into the steps. Storm pushes Godfather into the ring - SPRINGBOARD CLOTHESLINE! Cover, 2, no. Storm argues the count, then he tries to ram into Godfather. Godfather moves out the way, so Storm has hit the pole. Aw. There's your Train. (Drops of Jupiter.) Gutwrench into a pancake slam by Godfather. 1,2,3.
Back to WWFNY. The guys hype the matches.
This commercial is funny. Lita is a "femme fatale." I thought she was just a shitty wrestler with fake tits! Oh, well.
SLIM JIM VENIS AUSTIN KICK WHAM STUNNER.
The guys talk about Venis. Thrilling commentary. Absolutely thrilling.
Back to the ring and here comes Venis. Basically, this is just him doing his schtick and then, he calls a girl out to the ring and proceeds to have sex with her right in the ring. She was really flat chested, but I was able to see pink nipples. Yep.
HEY THERE'S STACY DANCING ATOP THE MARQUEE! Baby fine.
WWF.com blah blah blah. We see stills of Taker eliminating the Hardyz. Maven wins, so they show actual footage. Then we see Taker destroying him. Do YOU care? Because I do not.
Anyway, Jericho/Maven for the undisputed Heavyweight title. My money's on Maven. YEP!
MORE DANCING!
Oh yeah, there's a match between Kane and Big Show on RAW.
Back to the ting and HEY HEY it's BILLY AND CHUCK. Last Monday, they beat Big Show and Kane. Girls like them.
And here comes CRASH AND FUNAKI. Crash looks really pumped up.
Lockup between Crash and Chuck. Lockup and Chuck just tosses Crash to the mat. Now, he's laughing. Crash ducks a clothesline and gets a waistlock. Chuck is humored by this, because see, he's a lot taller than him. He's also stronger. Chuck with an elbow. Something happens and then, Crash gets a cheapshot on Billy, who's standing on the apron. Crash is doing this quarterback stance behind Chuck and saying HUT HUT. Chuck retaliates, but Crash gets a quick tag to Funaki, who hits a top rope crossbody and a headscissors. Billy and Funaki in the ring now. Lockup nope Funaki ducks and punches. Billy does toss Funaki to the mat. Then he gives him a boot. Then he rams Funaki's head into Chuck's boot. Tag to Chuck, who gets in a boot while Billy abdominal stretches. Boots to the head. Meet the turnbuckle, Funaki. Some boots to the chest and throat. And there's a punch. Tag to Billy, who comes in with a boot. Cover, 2, no. Again, nope. There's a punch. Tag to Chuck, who punches Funaki's stomach. Cover, 2, no. Inexplicably, Funaki fights back with punches. Like OUT OF NOWHERE. Chuck fights back with an Exploder suplex. 1,2, nooo he picked him up. BAD MOVE! Chuck tries a powerslam, but Funaki slips out. Funaki hits a tornado DDT. Both men down. 1…2…3…4….5…both men up. Billy is in…and now, here's Crash. Crash beats up everybody. There's an enziguri on Billy - 1,2,no. Chuck comes in with an elbowdrop, but uh oh he hit Billy. Eventually, this all leads to Crash fighting against both guys. And of course, Billy hits the Fameasser on him for the pin, thus the win.
STACY WOO SHAKE DAT ASS GIRL
They talk about McMahon and Flair. Then, they show this whole annoying series of things involving this storyline. It all ends with McMahon's diatribe at the end of SmackDOWN. Wow the initials of that group are painted on the back of his chair. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!#!
Cole and Tazz try to sort this whole thing out. Of course, they do a bad job of it.
HEY LOOK THERE'S STACY'S LEG. (But it's a still.)
HEY NEXT UP IS CHRISTIAN VERSUS DDP. You gotta see the still they're using for Page. He looks like such a homosexual.
HEY LOOK THERE'S STACY'S LEG AGAIN! And it's MOVING!
FINAL FANTASY X provides us with ROCK ANGLE JERICHO UNDERTAKER SMACKDOWN. Because of it all, Angle/Austin for the challenger spot at WWF nWo.
Hey, there's CHRISTIAN with fireworks. Yep. This ain't for the Euro title, BTW.
And there's DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE. People like him!
Lockup - Page pushes Christian to the corner. Break, but Christian with a cheapshot. Christian with boots. Page fights back with boots and punches. He misses a clothesline, but hits another. Then he hits a tilt a whirl slam. He clotheslines Christian out of the ring. Christian pulls Page out, but Page just kicks him with both his legs. Meet the barrier, Christian. Back in the ring, Page tries a cutter, but Christian holds on the ropes. Page is like, on the apron, while Christian is inside the ring. Christian introduces the turnbuckle to Page. Then, he shoves him off the apron onto the barrier. Nice. Whip into the steps. He shoves Page into the ring. Stomps and punches. Christian chokes Page. Christian with an abdominal stretch. Christian with a backbreaker - 1, 2, NO! Christian is really upset. He's smacking the mat like a baby. The crowd finds this funny. Kinda. He goes for the 10 punch salute. 1…2…3…Page shoves him off. Page with a clothesline. Both men are down. The count starts - 1….2….3….4….5….6…Christian up with a knee and hey there's the UNPRETTIER - ONE TWO NO! Back up, Christian tries a scoop slam, but Page slips out and tries a Cutter. Christian shoves him into the ropes, Page bounces off and somehow gets to hit his DIIIIIIAMOND CUTTER! COVER TWO THREE!
Stacy is on the stage and we get a closeup of her ass. Yes, this will lead a fan to wonder if he could be able to engage in anal intercourse with Stacy. I wonder if she's had that tapped. Hmmph.
Tanvir Raquib
grandhassan@yahoo.com