Bengali Metal
Posted: 01/20/02
So the hope is to do a recap every week. It's what I asked Allah to give the strength to do. Of course, I don't pray, so it's not like I have a shot at keep up this streak. But I'm rather sure that the streak begins right now - it's 2.
What I need from you, the reader, is money. And e-mails to remind me of what a great guy I am [even though you don't know who I am, really]. But yes, e-mails and money. I ACCEPT MONEY ORDERS. But I really need to buy myself a cable modem. And a Chinese handjob queen at one of those massage parlors. So what if they're tied to the Chinese mafia? A handjob is a handjob is a handjob. As long as it comes from a big-headed Chinese girl. Of course.
So, I was really lazy cuz I was busy deciphering the lyrics to Nas' "Ether" for my friend, so I missed most of
Funaki battling it out against one Michael Shane. But I turned on right when Funaki lands a legdrop right out Shane's arm. And Kevin Kelly says, "Does HHH have enough juice?" I will smile and chuckle at this double entendre. Shane hits an enziguri! And there's this punching section - with Shane getting the upper hand. There's your customary forearm smash. DOUBLE UNDERHOOK OVERHEAD SUPLEX! I love that. Shane's leg hurts - Funaki capitalizes on it by uhh…kicking. Shane does fight back - pinning Funaki against a turnbuckle and punching him. Then he places him on top, which is a BAD MOVE. Inevitably, Funaki hits a TORNADO SLOP DROP for the 3-2-1 CONTACT.
SHAVE YOUR CHIN CHRIS O' LEARY. It's disgusting. My facial hair is also rather unappealing. I won't talk about my pubic hair. Anyway, Jazz is a black woman who can beat little hot white chicks. She slammed the lid of a box on Trish's hand. If I was on crack, I would decipher this segment as a supposed lesbian undertone. But I'm not on crack. Yet.
FINAL FANTASY X TOLD ME THAT VINCE IS NOT RIC FLAIR AND OH MY LORD A PIPE TO THE HEAD.
On RAW Last Monday, Flair got his engine going. Hey, that's what he said. Anyway, IT'S A STREET FIGHT. Then Y2J comes out in his heterosexual checkered pants. Nice to see the figure four. But here's Vince with the pipe. Hey, do you think the pipe is going to be used in the street fight? HUH? HUH? Bahaha.
Okay, another match to recap. Hey, it's SATURN and his new tattoos. I should probably describe them. Well, there are these Chinese dragons on his breastesses. Yeah, the old tattoos are gone - I think there was a soldier on one and umm…a scorpion on the other. I know this because I had a fan with all these cool color pictures of wrestlers in his PWI. Yep. And he's got this thing about his SATURN tattoo on his gut. Maybe he got re-done, too. Oh yeah, his opponent is
EDDIE CRAVEN. Lockup - Saturn with a headbutt, a boot and some clubbing blows to the back. Saturn hits a snapmare. Shoulder blocks! Saturn runs the ropes and Craven hits an armdrag. Eventually, Saturn throws Craven out of the fucking ring. Yes, this IS a Saturn match.
MEET THE MAT, CRAVEN. AND THE STEPS. BAHAHAHA. Saturn throws him back in the ring, but leaves his head and neck draped over the edge of the apron. Saturn's still on the outside - so he just slams Craven's neck onto the edge. OUCH. Saturn comes back in a covers for 2. Whip, Craven gets the waistlock-run to ropes-rollup for 1. Saturn is back up quickly for a boot to the head. Drives a shoulder into Craven's gut. Token suplex. Saturn puts his hands on his hips and gives an "aw shucks" look. Saturn busts out a cool move - it looks like a sharpshooter, but Saturn positions himself over Craven like a camel clutch. It's very lucha submission-like. I'm curious what Cubs will call it. And while Saturn has already neutralized Craven's legs, he's clutches onto his face - LIKE A CAMEL CLUTCH! Saturn lets go for no good reason. Submissions in a squash are so lame. WHY DOES THE GUY LET GO??? It makes no sense to me.
Saturn hits some kicks. There's a punch. And a boot. Craven is down. There's a bodyslam. Saturn goes to the second, but misses a Vaderbomb. Craven hits a neckbreaker. Bodypress! Cross corner whip - Saturn is positioned on the corner and Craven hits a running sweeping kick thing. Craven lands outside, but it still connected. Back in the ring, Craven is on the receiving end of a Saturn snapmare and there are a few kicks, as well. AND HERE'S YOUR RINGS! OF! Saturn. Good match.
We REWIND to Royal Rumble 1991, when THE UNDERTAKER came into the contest. And he throws out Bret Hart.
More Rumble hype. NO FRIENDS ONLY ENEMIES. We saw this on SmackDOWN!
And hey, look at SEAN STASIAK waltz down to the ring. And hey, I'll just backspace this last sentence. Yep.
BOSS MAN looks smaller these days. His theme song rules. Lockup - Bossman pushes Stasiak into a corner - break, but Bossman with a smack. Another lockup - Stasiak punches. And there's a whip - Bossman bounces off, but falls victim to the mighty back elbow. More punches. Another whip, but Bossman slides under the bottom rope. And look - a redneck in the front row is yelling at him. "YOU AINT SHIT!" Hahahaha. This is really funny. Bossman comes back into the ring, but Stasiak leaves - he raises the redneck's hand! Hee hee. Back in the ring. Lockup - nope, Bossman with some boots and punches on Stasiak, who is slumped in a corner. Stasiak fights back with a cross corner whip and hey, there's a neckbreaker for 2. Bossman leaves the ring and Stasiak follows him. They brawl outside. Bossman shoves him into a pole. He pulls Stasiak back into the ring. THE CROWD HATES BOSSMAN. THEY THINK HE SUCKS. A forearm to the back and a HARD cross corner whip. Boots on the back. Ow. Stasiak gets an IRISH whip to the turnbuckle, though. And hey, there's a powerslam. They're both down - 1….2….3….4….5….6…and they're up. Stasiak with punches. A whip, Bossman bounces off, but there's a Stasiak clothesline. Cover for 2. There's a knee-lift. Stasiak goes up top - SUPERFLY POSE! Crossbody for 2. Stasiak bounces off the ropes, but Bossman hits THE BOSSMAN SLAM. ONE TWO THREE.
Whatever. I'm tired. Go fuck yourselves.
Tanvir Raquib
grandhassan@yahoo.com