Ultimate Slams and Jams 
Posted: 11/04/01

About Manifesto Word Count: 530 

Midterms are over and I did alright. This has absolutely nothing to do with wrestling, I know. But I know what does! The majority of this recap. Basically, most, if not all of us, are kinda sick of what the WWF is putting out – with this disappointing Invasion angle and the mindless character turns throughout it [AUSTIN?! ANGLE?! TERRI?!!$%%$^%$&43] and whatnot. So we end up talking about EMLL with each other a lot, because we’re all relative novices to it and it’s such a dramatic difference from American wrestling altogether. 

Well, what I’m recapping is American wrestling, but some of the matches from this show are from the 80s [I think], which is a long time ago! I hope that someone will help me out with the time periods and who these guys actually are. Oh yeah, for the stuff that’s been around now, it’s featuring Scott Putski and the Bushwackers and oh yeah, KENDALL WINDHAM~! [No, I haven’t seen the WWC stuff either.] I think the name of this show is Ultimate Slam and Jams, which is produced by some promotion named Ultimate Championship Wrestling. What’s weird is they show the old matches and clips from other wrestling shows within their show. It’s very confusing and I don’t know what the hell is going on with whoever is producing this show, because it’s got these horrendous production values and everything is just so cheesy. Anyway, let’s start.

I started taping around the time the Big Bopper comes out with three ladies, while singing the song “Ow Baby that’s uh-what I like.” You’ve heard it somewhere, but I damn well sure know that the Big Bopper died on an airplane with Buddy Holly and therefore, YOU ARE NOT THE BIG BOPPER. I must note that none of these ladies looks very good-looking, except for the short one who might have breast implants. There’s a ring announcer and he asks the Big Bopper what’s up and the Bopper says he’s the greatest manager of all time. And then, he leaves with his ladies. And he sings some more. WHAT THE HELL WAS THE POINT OF THAT?! I guess he needed a reason to get paid or something, but this was beyond pointless. 

AIW Trivia. I don’t even know what AIW is. I think the UCW guys are using footage from the AIW show in order to kill the rest of the hour off in between their matches. This is WEIRD. Anyway, here’s the trivia: “The Grand Wizard of Wrestling was my manager. I destroyed a championship belt on national television. I made a comeback in the 1980s as a color commentator.” 

Took me a minute and then, I remembered that it was “Superstar” Billy Graham and that’s the answer so there ya go. 

Now, it is time for music being played by RIOT ACT while images of many wrestlers are interspersed. This footage is weird. The Bushwackers, I think that’s Amanda Storm from MTV True Life: I want to be a wrestler, Kendall Windham is a GOOD GUY because he shakes little kids’ hands and oh yeah, Rick Fuller. I totally forget how Scott Putski looks, but he’s probably in this. And I think the Sandman is also here. And the Power Twins. [WHO?]

A segment for WRESTLE ROCK is played. We see some dude and this hot chick named Allison Armitage [sp?]. We see more wrestling clips, while “Rollin’” by Limp Bizkit is playing. This was pointless and lasted 30 seconds altogether, I think.

Yes, I do think this might be the public access wrestling show from Hell. From HELL!

OUR FIRST MATCH! The ring apron says NORTH AMERICAN WRESTLING ASSOCIATION, so whatever. 

Dan Grundy and The Ring Lords vs. Bo Ragin, Vince Torelli, and Sam Houston. I see mullets all over the place, so immediately, I assume that this is from a day and age that I will never recall. Plus the graphics are really old looking. And I don’t know who any of these guys are. DO YOU?! 

We have a standoff between all six men. Okay. Now, it’s Speedy Gonzalez of the Ring Lords and Bo Ragin. Gonzalez has an insane mullet. And yes, the name is amusing since he’s MEXICAN HAHAHAHA. Lockup and Ragin with a waistlock and a takedown. Gonzalez crawls quickly to the ropes. Gonzalez talks to his fellow Ring Lord. Again, lockup – Ragin wrenches on the arm for a few seconds, but Gonzalez gets his leg into the ropes. AGAIN, lockup – Gonzalez with a headlock but they end up near the ropes and they break. A whip by Ragin – Gonzalez bounces off and hits a shoulderblock. Gonzalez runs toward and bounces off the ropes, but TRIPS on Ragin, who was on the mat face first. Gonzalez continues running forward, bounces off, Ragin leapfrogs over him, Gonzalez bounces off the other ropes, hops over Ragin CLEANLY [YES!], bounces off the other ropes and then, Ragin hits him with a shitty leg lariat from like, a foot away from him. It looked cheesy and how the fuck does that hurt anyway? Ragin picks up Gonzalez and cinches in a headlock, but Gonzalez counters with a side suplex. YAY!

Tag to Gonzalez’ partner, Rick Slagey [sp?]. I’m just calling him RICK. From the second rope, Rick hits a double axehandle [YES!] on a held Ragin. Body slam, runs to the ropes, bounces off, but no dice on the elbowdrop. Ragin gets up and tags in SAM HOUSTON, who cinches an immediate arm wring thingy. Twisting some more. They’re near the ropes. Houston bounces off the ropes and hops over Rick like a snake! Hey, well whaddyaknow, he’s JAKE ROBERTS’ BROTHER! Armdrag by Houston. Rick tags in Gonzalez. Gonzalez gets an armdrag from Houston. “WHOO,” says Gonzalez, who gives a muscle pose. They circle and lockup. Gonzalez with an armdrag. He runs toward Houston, who leapfrogs him and pushes him to the corner. Gonzalez bounces off and gets hit with a Houston armdrag. Another one, which SUCKED – no air on it. It’s like Tough Enough all over again, I swear. Gonzalez out and HERE COMES RICK – an armdrag for him! And now, the BIG DAN GRUNDY is in! 

ARMDRAG FOR HIM, TOO! SAM HOUSTON IS NOT A MAN – HE’S AN ANIMAL! 

All the bad guys congregate outside and the good guys are celebrating inside. The crowd is going nuts. Maybe these guys are well-known wherever this was taped. I’ll email those DVDVR guys and maybe, I can get some answers! [That’s actually a really good idea.] Gonzalez is very angry outside. Gonzalez gets back in and tags in GRUNDY. Houston works on his arm and tags in Torelli. Torelli is going to be a big Hollywood star, says the announcers. Right. He’s going to be in a movie with JOHN BELUSHI [who sucks]. Torelli works the arm and then, does this neat thing, he puts his leg on top of Grundy’s arm. He flips back and voila a cross armbreaker. Splendid, splendid! Gonzalez is in and he is stompin’ on Torelli. There was no tag! What the hell?! But hey, Gonzalez gets to tag in RICK again. They whip Torelli and when he bounces off, double back elbow by the Ring Lords. Weird bodyslam, where Rick picks him up from his waist. WHAT IS THE NAME?! Cover, 2. 

Whip, Torelli bounces off and hits a sunset flip. Rick grabs the ropes and after a quick break, Rick with a diving double-axehandle. Bodyslam for 2. A whip, but when Rick ducks too soon, Torelli gets a boot. Both men down and hurt. They crawl to their respective corners and then, Grundy and Houston are in. Houston is CRAZAY now! CRAZAY! Okay, just some punches. A whip, but Grundy reverses, Houston bounces off, Grundy leapfrogs, Houston bounces off and hits an ugly bodypress. A cover and something happens and now, EVERYBODY WANTS IN THE PARTY! Good guys and bad guys and the good guys are winning. They go into three corners, and THE GOOD GUYS ARE DOING THE STANDING PUNCHES WITHOUT THE STANDING PUNCH COUNT! DAMNIT! I love that and they didn’t do it. Still didn’t get up to 10. They whip all the bad guys into each other – the Ring Lords collapse and fall out of the ring after running into Grundy. Grundy’s still standing – Torelli gives him a belly to belly suplex. COVER TWO TRES YES! And your winner: the good guys. (5:55)

Ultimate Truth: My valet was a precious commodity. I was a member of the Fabulous Freebirds. It’s not my fault.

The answer was Gorgeous Jimmy Garvin. 

Holy shit - I still have another half hour to go.

Our featured match: JEFF JARRETT vs. EDDIE GILBERT

I’m guessing that this is Memphis wrestling. I really don’t know. And Jarrett is wearing these horrendous tights. Red and yellow squares. It’s HORRENDOUS. Gilbert is wearing matching neon green tights and uhh…sweatbands. 

Gilbert doesn’t wanna get checked by the ref, who is rockin’ the mullet. He looks like Mike Awesome. Eventually, he does. Gilbert with a strut to start – the crowd hates him and loves Jarrett. “GO JEFF GO” Garvin charges, locking up and shoving Jarrett into the corner. Punches, cross corner whip, reverse, Garvin bounces out of the corner into a backdrop. Gilbert staggers out of the ring – he’s woozy. And he falls on his ass. Crowd really likes this. Gilbert gets back in the ring and puts up his dukes, while backing off. Haha. Gilbert staggers and yells at the audience. They lock up once again – Gilbert pushes Jarrett to the corner. Punch, but Jarrett punches back. Gilbert falls like a dead man, but get back up scared. “I’m sorry!” What we need is more chicken shit heels. Gilbert doesn’t wanna get out of the corner, but he does. Tentative lock up leads to Gilbert with the arm wringery, more of that. “SHUT UP!” Fans yell back. Jarrett in pain, but gets back up BECAUSE OF THE POWER OF THE FANS. (Only if you are a good guy!) Jarrett with his own couple of arm wringings and a legdrop on Gilbert’s limp arm. Jarrett with more pressure on the arm – Gilbert gets up, pushing Jarrett to the ropes, Jarrett bounces off and hits a sunset flip for the count of 2.

(This was a very different Jeff Jarrett from the one we’re all too familiar with.)

Arm-drag and putting some pressure on Gilbert’s arm while standing. Gilbert complains about his hair being pulled. Gilbert gets up, attacks with a drop toe hold, goes for a head-lock, but Jarrett quickly goes for an arm-bar. Jarrett driving his knees into Gilbert’s arm. (Awesome.) Now, a hammerlock and they go to a corner. Break? No, Gilbert with several punches to Jarrett’s mid-section. Cross-corner whip by Gilbert, but a charging spear is missed, as Jarrett moves out of the way. Jarrett works on the arm some more – standing armbar, baby. “He’s cheatin’,” says Gilbert. Jarrett smartly puts his leg between Gilbert’s legs – adding more leverage. Jarrett kneels while keeping the armbar on – knee to the back, yes. Gilbert gets up and punches THREE TIMES to Jarrett’s sternum. Grabbing the hair, vertical suplex. Gilbert bounces off the ropes and misses an elbowdrop. Jarrett with an armdrag and back to the kneeling armbar. COMMERCIAL BREAK!

Weird – because we obviously missed something big, as now, Gilbert’s in control and is now busting on the SPINNING~TOE~HOLD~. Dory Funk is the fucking man. YES! Jarrett is in agony. Both shoulders are pinned – 1,2, no. 1,2, no. Jarrett breaks the hold by ripping Gilbert’s hands off his leg. Smart move and lookee here – he has a wristlock on. Jarrett gets Gilbert back down and worked on Gilbert’s arm – driving his knees and OOPS LOOK WHO DROPPED THE WRONG KNEE YOU FUCKING DUMBASS. Yes, Jarrett is selling it and it’s a good thing, too! Jarrett gets up very weakly and is holding Gilbert’s arm. Gilbert with a punch. Gilbert pulls Jarrett outside of the ropes and wrenches on it. Ref breaks it and Gilbert goes right back to work – pulling on Jarrett’s legs and here’s the figure four! Oh man, this entire sequence is beautiful – Gilbert uses the SHOELACES for extra leverage. THE SHOELACES! Words can not express how awesome I think Gilbert is right now. HHH YOU SUCK. 

Jarrett is fighting fighting fighting out of the hold but NO SIR, as Gilbert uses those shoelaces to help turn Jarrett’s body back. Gilbert had his shoulders down – 1 count. 1,2 and 1,2 on Jarrett. Jarrett’s trying to turn over his body – tryingtryingtrying and YES. It is reversed, but Gilbert reaches for the ropes and does. Both men are staggered and tired and oh man, this match is awesome! Jarrett stomping boots at Garvin – in a corner. Whip, Gilbert bounces off, but Jarrett misses the dropkick and IT HURTS. Gilbert covers for 2. Whip by Gilbert, Jarrett bounces off, Gilbert tries a clotheslines, Jarrett ducks and HOLY SHIT it’s the return of the crucible mudslide! ONE TWO NO! Jarrett is up and cross corner whips Gilbert – reversed – Jarrett runs to the corner, Gilbert running behind and HEY it’s a sunset flip by Jarrett – 1,2, no!!! Gilbert up and cinches in a headlock, Jarrett pushes him off, Gilbert bounces off the ropes, Jarrett with a leapfrog and eventually, both men collide and they are OUT! Needless to say, THE CROWD IS FUCKING INSANE!!!

Both men get up and OH MAN SYNCHRONICITY – SIMULTANEOUS PUNCHES!!! What is this – ROCKY THREE?! Both men stagger and they’re down again. This is where my notes start going crazy and my sentences are written all over the page. They try to get up – Jarrett with a whip, Gilbert bounces off and ducks a clothesline, bounces off and HOLY SHIT SIMULTANEOUS CLOTHESLINES!!! Both men down and they eventually get up. Jarrett with a whip, reversed, Jarrett bounces off, Gilbert tries for a bodyslam, but Jarrett’s legs hit the ref’s head and here’s where we all go “uh oh.” Jarrett falls on top of Gilbert and gets up, looking at the apparently slain referee. Jarrett heads up and Gilbert is getting up – MISSILE DROPKICK FROM JEFF JARRETT! This is fucking Bizarro World. Jarrett with a rollup but DEAD REF and all. WAKE UP!!! Jarrett checks the ref, which gives Gilbert the opportunity to pull out the dreaded chain out of a nearby towel. Crowd goes nuts when they see this. Gilbert wraps the chain around his fist and swings for Jarrett’s head – misses! A punch, shoving Gilbert to the ropes and Jarrett with that familiar rollup we always see. The one where the guy rolls up the other dude immediately after shoving him into the ropes. Yes. Ref is awake and it’s ONE TWO NO! Jarrett gets the chain and wraps it around his fist. There’s the punch – one two three. Crowd is insane, but I wished it was something more wonderful. (13:34 of footage) Gilbert complains about the chain and the ref eventually checks Jarrett’s tights and whoop there it is, so STILL YOUR SOUTHERN HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, EDDIE GILBERT. Really fun match, though – to watch and recap.

The same Wrestle Rock thing from before. 

Georgia Brown vs. Dazzling Denise

That’s Jackie who is Georgia Brown. She looks rail thin and her hair is short. It’s really weird, but you just know it’s hurt. Denise is this white chick who wears these skimpy tights and HEY SHE HAS NIPPLES THAT ARE ERECT! So are mine! Uhh…

They circle, lockup, Denise with an armdrag, Brown argues of a pull of the tights, circling again, lockup, Denise with an armdrag into an armbar. She’s working that arm. Brown getting up and she tries a bodyslam, but nope, Denise works the arm once again. More of that. Jackie tries a bodyslam again, but there’s Denise working the arm. Brown gets back up and pushes Denise to the ropes – face rake and a few chops. Brown whips her into the ropes and she bounces around and does something that leads to Brown leaving the ring. Yes, I’m very unenthusiastic, but YOU try recapping a match on a horrible video quality! FUZZY FUZZY SNOW OH MY! Anyway, Brown talks to her manager, JC, who yes, is JC Ice. 

Back in the ring, Denise with a couple arm wrings, Brown reverses, Denise reverses, Georgia with a forward roll, Denise tries a quick splash, but Brown with her knees up. Brown pulls Denise up and there’s a backbreaker. Punch and a belly to belly suplex for 2. Snapmare and pulling of the neck back. There’s your token surfboard. A stomp of the eye. Elbowdrop on the chin for a cover of 1. Denise back up and she’s pulling on Brown’s leg, but Brown gives her a boot. Whip, reverse, Denise with a backdrop. There’s a couple shoulderblocks, but the next time she bounces off the ropes, JC pulls her down. Brown covers her and JC’s holding her feet. 1,2,3. (4:20)

Ultimate Rock featuring MOTORPLANT! More generic rock music set to a million clips of wrestling! When the hell is Kenny Loggins going to be on? HIGHWAAAAY TO THE DANGER ZONE

Playboy Gary Hart vs. Some dude who looks Tongan

The announcers say he’s a savage and it sounds really racist. The Tongan is dominating and he wins with get this – A STOMACH CLAW~! Yes, I refused to recap this match, because I felt like it. DEAL BEEYOTCH. (2:04 of footage)

JOINED IN PROGRESS: Scott Putski and Public Enemy vs. Kendall Windham and the Power Twins

Rocko Rock sets up a table. Whip, some dude bounces off, Rocko with a boot and a rolling neckbreaker. He’s got the table standing now. Places this Power Twin on the table and marches up top. FORWARD ROLL THROUGH THE TABLE. COVER HIM – ONE TWO THREE! Yeah. (1:05 of footage)

Well, this show has a lot of useless stuff on it. But the Jarrett/Gilbert match was one helluva match - once you forget about the cheesy ending. I might just recap this show again, but maybe not anytime soon. Well, I'll still tape it and maybe if there's an awesome match on it, I'll recap it. Watch this show for the USWA stuff on it only, I think. 

Tanvir 
grandhassan@yahoo.com

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