Bengali Cops
Posted: 07/30/01
I don’t even wanna recap wrestling this week. Fuck that – I think COPS is the greatest reality based series in the history of television, so I’m recapping that instead.
COPS!
“Due to the graphic nature of this program, viewer discretion is advised.” Cue Inner Circle.
Commercials.
We’re in Pierce County, Washington this week! Woohoo. I’m damn sure there’s gotta be something going on over there. Or at least, something strange in the neighborhood.
In the car is Deputy Robert Fishe and here we are working the graveyard shift. He likes it. He’s kinda chubby. Ah, there’s a motorcycle that ran a red light that apparently has expired plates, as well. GO GET HIM TROOPER! It’s
2:26 AM. The motorcycle is not pulling over – it’s got its right turn signal on, but Fishe suspects it’s going to make a run for it. It looks to slow down, but once the available right turn comes, it just jets really fast. YES A PURSUIT!
It gets kinda dark and stuff. But I see water and apparently, the guy is making a lot of noise. “Get your hands in the air!” Ouch, the dude’s getting harassed by some dog, but now, the cops are trying to get this dude to lie on his stomach. He’s a white male with glasses. Well, gosh, where ARE the black people in Pierce County?! He claims to not have any weapons or needles, but he’s also really fucking exhausted, as well. Just huffin’ and puffin’. He gets his helmet taken off and HOLY SHIT he has a bald spot and a mullet! MULLET! MULLET! LARRY MULLEN OF U2!
He says he ran cuz he was scared, but doesn’t really elaborate any further when asked if he’s high or has asthma – this dude is just breathing like crazy right now. Fishe asks because he notes that even his stout self was able to catch up to him. Maybe he should do some friggin’ cardio. And a Jenny Jones makeover doesn’t seem so terrible, either. Fishe checks the bike, as they place Heavily Breathing Dude in the police car.
Commercials.
Ooh, a little variation. We’re now following the South Hill Precinct! Yes, there are TWO precincts here in Pierce County! Unbelievable. Anyways, this is Deputy Jeff Reigle and he also likes the night shift. There are some “good people” in his squad – unlike the cops here in New York who get jailed for sodomizing [or to the contribution of] a Haitan man with the side of a plunger. The pole musta hurt.
It’s 1:25 AM and we’re on STREET PATROL. Reigle see a garage for an auto body shop, but the front door is open! Let’s check this out! Reigle gets out of the car, but the cameraman stays inside – possibly fearing for his life here in Pierce Country. Hell, I would, too. Anyways, Reigle busts out the flashlight as the camera zooms in through the windshield.
Another car pulls up and we have some use of the walkie talkies here. Uh oh…a DOG! Finally, after much cursory looking through the outside of the building, Reigle yells, “POLICE!” and notes that he has a dog here readying for KILL! Well, somewhat.
Suddenly, a WHITE MAN WEARING A SAN DIEGO SHARKS SWEATSHIRT pops out of the friggin’ first car right inside the garage. Like – why didn’t the cops notice him when he was so close to the entrance? Stellar work there, guys. [Not ONLY am I an smarmy expert on professional wrestling, but also, I’m an expert on POLICE TACTICS! How gay.] “I work here.” He says he does brakes and mufflers here and he also sleeps inside the cars sometimes. He’s waiting till 6, when his boss gets here.
K-9 Deputy John Munson is also here for assistance. Reigle or Munson checks the car and notes the beer and marijuana inside the car. San Diego Sharks Dude laughs a bit. He’s between houses. Reigle says the dog would’ve tore him apart if he didn’t come out of the car. Dude wants to prove that he’s not a trespasser, so he goes to get the keys and opens the front door..He says that usually when he sleeps inside, he usually remembers to actually leave the front door closed. We learn from Reigle that he also has a warrant to clear up as well. The cops can’t really charge him for anything, cuz he smoked all his stash, so WOOHOO one more for the bad guys!
I decide to take a break from this foolishness and watch something on MTV. I forgot what it was, but on a completely unrelated note, Mandy Moore has SUCH great skin. Like oh my god. I think I gotta get me that Neutrogena.
When I finally remember to change the channel, we see the police car going fast like WHOA! It’s a car chase! Awesome! WHEEEEEEER! And we’re back with Reigle. VROOM! FAST FAST FAST! We pull over and see a couple police cars, as well. Another police car hit the car and apparently, the driver has taken off! WHERE IS HE? AND MOST IMPORTANTLY – IS HE WHITE?
Also, the car hit a fence of someone’s house and the driver took off into the yard. Hmm. Dep. Jeff Calloway saw some suspicious stuff and actually had him at gunpoint. He’s also the dude who hit the car to stop the chase. He notes that this person ran over a fence and was FAST AND FURIOUS STARRING VIN DIESEL AND JA RULE.
The cops walk a bit and BOY here’s that dog again! Now, they’re walking fast and slow down, but still walking at a distinctly fast pace. Uh oh, the dog catches the dude and now the flashlight is on and well, it sucks for the dude. “Ow ow ow!” “Heel! HEEL!” Oh yeah, his face is blurred but I can make out the WHITE in him. YES BITE HIM TO DEATH. TO DEATH.
Now, we see Sgt. Paul Schneider, who doesn’t do much. They talk to Mister White Blurred Face Guy, who’s in a police car, and he talks about this Camaro and then, a Brown Toyota Camaro or whatever that his friend was driving. Calloway confirms that it was either a Camaro or a Corolla that his friend was driving – as it seems him and Blurred Dude stole some cars and stole some license plates, as well. After checking Blurred Dude’s white legs, we’ll call it a show.
The lesson learned from this show is a hard pill to swallow. I mean, really, I took some Tylenol today for my headache and it’s a bit hard to swallow. Plus, Vanilla Ice named his recent album “Hard To Swallow,” but anyhow, the point is if you’re white and in Pierce County, Washington, watch out. You’re the one to blame for society’s ills – with your mullets and poor verbiage. POOR VERBIAGE! POOR!
Tanvir – maybe next week, I’ll actually bring myself to recap both episodes.
grandhassan@yahoo.com