I just came back from Friday prayer, but I first remembered to stop by my cousin’s house to pick up his No Way Out tape. And on my one minute walk home, I thought, "Hey, I could do a tape review of this – FOR SLASH! AND CUBS’ SITE!" and the Gods told me this had to happen.

So it will.

Just for you, the reader – I’m viewing this the same way y’all are gonna view it. I’m a fan and I’d like to believe when I recap a show, I act like one. That means when my mom is talking loudly during RAW, I tell her to lower her voice. NO ONE SHALL INTERRUPT DURING WRESTLING TIME. Except my dad. His word is motherfucking LAW. So just sit back and read and wonder if the Bush years are going to be just as bad as you think they’ll be or just even worse. Slim pickings, yes.

And no, I don’t do star ratings. My name is not Jim Cornette nor will I attempt to impersonate him. I am not white nor do I own a tennis racket. I don’t even wear a COMBOVER anymore, so THERE, honky!

I see part of the opening hype, but then, I see fireworks and hear funny rock music. I proceed to take note that the first voice I hear is JIM ROSS’. Hey, there’s Jerry "The King" Lawler.

KAW KAW KAW RAVEN comes down to the ring; lugging a shopping cart with lots of items. Like stop signs and whatnot. King tells us he’s from the BOWERY. I’m still trying to figure out exactly where that is.

Ooooh…here’s BIG SHOW, but wait – while he’s on the stage, he notices the Mysterious Woman and tends to her, but Raven decides to be a good man and SAVE HER.

Big Show hits him a buncha times with a Stop sign as they both waltz down the aisle. Hey, Raven – meet the steps! Couple headbutts by Show. Show runs into the post somehow. Nope, we’re still not in the ring yet. How trivial.

Raven tries to piggyback Show, but Show snapmares him off quite easily. We get a replay of the snapmare, I believe, as Raven gets a fire extinguisher. When we see the live action ALL UP CLOSE ‘N SHIT, Raven sprays him with that stuff inside the fire extinguisher and charges that fucker into his belly. Raven gets back into the ring; bouncing off one ropes and delivering a dropkick through the ropes, as Show was dazed and confused outside, still.

Just when you think everything is normal and gravy, POPCORN MAN shows up. Yes, a dude with long hair and the Groucho Marx look shows up, punches and stuff and HITS the Acid Drop. He covers, but I’m not sure if he got the pin or not. Doesn’t matter, apparently, as Show slams him or something of that nature. Then he does a Slop Drop setup but shifts his weight differently and it looks very different than what I was expecting. You might have seen Shane Helms do it.

And NOW, we see STEVE BLACKMAN and HARDCORE LAUREN HOLLYin. They attack Show, using their attacking skills. And OH GREAT – here’s BILLY GUNN in and HE hits his Fameasser on Raven to become the NEW HARDCORE CHAMPION.

But the match ain’t over, kids. Holly hits the top rope dropkick, after Blackman hits the tilt a whirl backbreaker on Gunn. THAT’S HEAD CHEESE’S MOVE! Holly covers, I think, but Blackman kills that cover. Asshole. And yes, the Popcorn Man was CRASH HOLLY and yes, Snow does gorilla press him to dust. I hear Christians say "ashes to ashes, dust to dust."

Run-in by the Mysterious Woman, but RIGHT BEHIND HER is MOLLY HOLLY. Synyrgy! Molly takes the bitch out. Raven starts attacking Show a bunch with a garbage can. This does not muster much damage, as Show gives Raven a CHOKE SLAM ONTO THE CAN! Retard Billy Gunn attacks Show, but he gets sloppily backdropped out of the ropes. Somewhere in the next 30 seconds, BIG SHOW BECOMES CHAMPION. He then attacks Gunn a whole lot.

Our champions in this match WERE Raven, Billy Gunn and Big Show. Stellar.

Earlier Today, Kurt Angle pulled out of a limo and got immediately questioned by Kevin Kelly. Kurt’s feeling fine and the Rock is going to become a loser just like everyone here in Las Vegas.

Lillian Garcia apparently gets some words from CHRIS BENOIT and EDDY FUCKING GUERRERO. Too bad the dude taping this edited it out.

We came back to ringside. Music plays.

It is CHRIS JERICHO, who walks down looking youthful.

Next is X-PAC, who is not very thugged out looking at all.

Here is EDDY GUERRERO, who is Mexican.

And now, CHRIS BENOIT, who is not.

Guerrero and Benoit confer on the outside, pound fists and run inside because GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY IT’S ON!

Eddy hits a Euro uppercut on Jericho and I don’t know what everyone’s doing – THERE IS INSANITY IN THE RING FOLKS. OK – Jericho and Eddy are in the ring, while X-Pac and Benoit are fighting outside. Jericho kicks, punches and chops Eddy, who is in the corner – CCW, but Jericho runs into an Eddy backelbow and he covers Jericho to no avail. Benoit in and he chops Jericho – now BOTH Radicals are stomping the shit outta Jericho. They CCW Jericho and Eddy hits a running clothesline. The Radical domination continues. Jericho whipped into the ropes and meets a Benoit backelbow. Radicals again CCW Jericho, but Jericho ducks the running clothesline this time and Benoit EATS a forearm to the face.

Jericho hits a beautiful spinning heel kick on Eddy, but X-Pac is in and kicks Jericho. Benoit attacks X-Pac now. RADICAL KICKS ‘N PUNCHES on X-Pac. This is lovely. Benoit tells Eddy to go up top – Benoit hits, I believe, a scoop slam on X-Pac, as Eddy takes his time going up. Eddy is now up, but Jericho crotches Eddy on the top rope. Benoit’s already cinched on the Crippler Crossface, but Jericho breaks that up, as well. Benoit and Jericho have a go of it outside. In the ring, X-Pac chops on Eddy, still crotched. X-Pac tries a superplex, but Eddy shoves him down and HITS THE FROG SPLASH COVER NO JERICHO SAVE. Jericho chops Eddy, but Benoit back in to attack him. Jericho gets the better of it, but Benoit hits a short arm clothesline and covers for 2. X-Pac pushes someone out of the ring. I have no idea who. Possibly Eddy.

Benoit hits a snap suplex on X-Pac for 2. But damn, what a NICE kick for X-Pac, Boot to the throat by X-Pac…here’s the Bronco Buster dance, but NO he’s met midway by a Jericho missile dropkick! AWESOME! Benoit back up and HITS a mean shoulderblock and lateral press on Jericho for 2. We see a replay of the Jericho Missile Dropkick agayn. Here’s a Bridged German suplex by Benoit, but Eddy breaks that up and OH NO we have RADICAL FIGHTING. Eddy and Benoit bounces off the ropes and do some stuff, which ends with Eddy countering some move into a rana and some punches to boot. Jericho and X-Pac are outside and man, this match fucking rocks. Nice suplex by Jericho onto the mat. Eddy hits this SWEET side German suplex on Benoit – he held him by the waist, but Benoit’s body was more perpendicular, if that makes any sense. Of course, it does.

X-Pac whips Jericho to the steps. Eddy hits a modified brainbuster and he’s going up. But NO WAIT – Benoit’s back up again and goin’ up top – and HITS Eddy with a superplex. Both men are down and the ref starts counting…1…2…3, but here’s Jericho and X-Pac going for SIMULTANEOUS COVERS for 2, as BOTH MEN fight out simultaneously. This is great. Jericho hits an underhook into a backbreaker on Benoit for 2. X-Pac and Eddy outside now. Back in the ring and Benoit and Jericho chop each other! Jericho bounces off the ropes, Benoit looks for a short leg kick thingy, but Jericho uses THAT LEG to roll up Benoit for 2. AWESOME. Yeah, I’ve been using the Rewind button.

THIS IS GREAT.

And MAN OH MAN BENOIT HITS THIS AWESOME LARIAT. You can see how great it is, because afterwards, Benoit starts waving his arm in pain, before he covers for 2. Benoit brings Jericho onto the turnbuckle and Benoit delivers a chop and a boot to the throat. HERE COME THE STOMPS! Jericho back up, he shifts the tide somehow, CCWs Benoit and tries the Kidman clothesline, but Benoit ducks or something because NOW he’s behind Jericho and HITS a German suplex. Benoit tries another German, but Jericho rolls him up to no avail, BUT HERE ARE THE WALLS! But here’s Eddy in the ring, but HE GETS THE WALLS ON HIM! But here’s X-Pac, but HE GETS THE WALLS ON HIM!

But here’s Justin Credible. L

BUT IT DOES NOT MATTER because he gets knocked the fuck off! Benoit goes for a German on Benoit – cover 2, but EDDY BREAKS IT UP! And now, Benoit and Eddy are fighting and this is GREAT. X-Pac is back in the ring and kicks someone in the head, so he celebrates. But HAHA – Jericho hits a bulldog and a LIONSAULT FOR TWO. Somewhere a CCW comes into play and X-Pac hits the X-Factor, but Benoit makes the save. Justin gets KNOCKED THE FUCK OFF by Benoit and here’s Benoit going for the Crossface on X-Pac!

But NO GO as Eddy comes in and HITS A ROLLING NECKBREAKER, which is just great and beautiful to watch, as Benoit’s so close to victory, but has it taken away by something so graceful. All men in the ring are down now. Ref counts…1…2…3…4…5…and two of the men are up – I believe Benoit and Eddy. Benoit hits a SWEET high angly German and goes up top. Benoit sets up and hits the headbutt, but X-Pac breaks all that up with a kick, BUT JERICHO ROLLS HIM UP WITH A BEAUTIFUL BRIDGE TO BOOT FOR THE COVER.

ONE

TWO

THREE

Your winner and STILL IC Champeeeeeeen is CHRIS MOTHERFUCKING JERICHO.

What an awesome match. That was awesome. Even typing it out, I’m still getting the chills from that match. It was SO GREAT.

Okay, so what do we have following that? Well, HHH getting his forearms taped – what else?

Vince and Regal chit chat. This is boring, but I must let you know that Vince wants Regal to DO THE RIGHT THING. Being vague doesn’t help, though.

Hey – LOOK AT ALL THE COOL PEOPLE AT WWFNY! There’s BUSTA RHYMES! He’s a HORRIBLE rapper [sometimes]! And there’s TEST! WHO CARES?

Backstage, Trish walks and is interrupted by Regal. She ain’t listenin’, yo. Steph also walks. Uh huh.

TRISH STRATUS comes out first – to new and rather blasé music. She looks quite stunning. My mother thinks otherwise.

STEPHANIE MCMAHON HELMSLEY is next. She looks like herself, but really pissed.

Both women are in the ring.

[Unrelated note: You know who rules? Fear Factory. DESCEEEEEEEEEEENT.]

Steph with a spear and smacks. Trish tries crawling away, but Steph is holding her legs. Trish grabs onto each rope – looking for leverage. Starting first from the bottom and slowly moving her way up, but this does her no good, as Steph pulls her off the ropes. Trish falls back first onto the mat. Steph with a short arm clothesline. And another. Here’s your hair assisted snapmare. And HOO HA Steph is showing off some blonde strands of hair. Jesus – she’s ripping more of it out. Trish gets thrown out of the ring. But HERE COMES STEPH. Too bad she runs into Trish’s boot. Trish tosses Steph into the crowd. Trish tries for a punch, but it’s blocked, and Steph hits her own. Steph goes up top the barricade and hits a very unmemorable clothesline.

Trish gets thrown in, while Steph is on the apron. Steph is trying to suplex her out of the ring, but Trish counters with a hangman. Steph, meet the turnbuckle! Steph is now inside the ring and in the corner – getting smacked around. Here are some boots, as well. Trish locks in and THAR’S A BULLDOG – cover for 2. Trish has a wedgie. And she runs into a punch for Steph, as well. Steph with a forearm shot, but walks away, only to get pulled back in by Trish for a DDT for 2.

We see a replay of Trish being naaaaasty with Steph. When we come back to FULL, Trish is complaining about the count. To the ref. Neat thing here – Trish sits on the top rope, while choking Steph, who is in front of her and standing. This occurs twice, but on the third time, Steph pulls her down with a "slam." Steph is back up and tosses Trish out of the ring.

Both out of the ring now, Steph slams Trish’s face on the announcers’ table. And she gets the pitcher! Trish gets water tossed on her! Steph about to hit her with the pitcher now, but Trish hits a boot to the gut. Now, Trish rams Steph’s silly head on the announcers’ table. That’s right – SILLY! And she’s choking her out with the cable, as well. Steph gets tossed back in the ring.

Both women in the ring now. Steph hits a powerbomb, with her knees hitting the mat before Trish’s back does. WHOOOOOO Steph pulls down Trish’s shorts – THONG SPANKING! Damnit – we do not get a good shot of Trish’s ass, though. But we get hairpulling and STEPH TRIES TO RIP OFF TRISH’S SHIRT BUT CAN’T. So she resorts to choking her out with her own shirt. Nifty. Steph’s getting a face pop.

OK – Steph and Trish on opposite sides of the ring. THE HATE IS THERE. They run towards each other, but both go DOWN DOWN due to both going for simultaneous hairpulls. Cool. William Regal runs into the ring – dropping the ref down somehow. [I’m not gonna rewind to find out.] He places Trish on top – 1,2, BUT Regal places Steph’s foot on the ropes. Regal waltzes into the ring once more and he stomps the ref’s head down. Trish gets into a tiff with Regal, smacking him. Regal responds with what I’ll call, a short-arm neckbreaker. Yes, I still don’t know how to call moves and it’s been a whole year. Regal leaves the ring and Steph covers – one two three.

Folks, I believe we have found out who the biggest bitch is and her name is Stephanie McMahon Helmsley.

After the match, Steph screams at a fallen Trish. We see a replay of the hijinks at work in this match. And yes, Trish is pissed.

Vince screams at Regal backstage. HE THOUGHT HE KNEW WHAT HE WANTED! There’s a tag match on RAW. I’ll keep quiet.

JR and King talk. They give the rundown on HHH/Austin. Hmm, I bet we’ll be seeing that next! Hmm.

We get this HUGE great video package of it. It’s really awesome. The feud AND the way the WWF presented it.

HHH walks down an aisle. He’s psyched.

Austin paces backstage and is interrupted by Michael Cole. Do not worry, little one.

HHH IS OUT CUZ IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GAME.

STONE COLD STEP OFF CUZ THE MAN.

HHH waits in the ring.

Austin, in the aisle, steps back a second, regains his thoughts…and RUNS IN HOLY SHIT IT’S HAPPENING!

Both men trade punches, but Austin gets the better of this exchange. HHH gets bounces off the ropes, but Austin gives him a backelbow. Austin with punches and boots on HHH, who is in the corner. Austin with a CCW – reverses – Austin bounces off the corner and hits a clothesline. Austin with some punches on top the turnbuckle, like a true face. HHH counters smartly with an atomic drop, but Austin hits a clothesline afterwards. Austin whips HHH into the ropes, looking for the quick boot, but HHH holds the ropes and tries to leave the ring. Austin pulls him back in, gives him some punches, whips him towards the ropes – HHH bounces off – Austin for a Thesz Press, but he is WAY too close to the ropes, so HHH counters with a flapjack onto the ropes.

HHH tries for the pedigree, but Austin counters with an armbreaker. HHH leaves the ring; his arm in pain. Austin gives him no quarter – HHH’s arm meets with the sweet ringpost tonight. HHH thrown back in and he heads towards the corner. Austin follows, but HHH hits a boot. HHH tries for a Pedigree, but THE ARM IS DEAD. Austin realizes this and attacks the arm; wrenching it. HHH up, but there is more wrenching. HHH begins to wrench Austin’s arm now and then, whips him to the ropes – reversed – HHH bounces off and Austin hits his Thesz Press and punches. Elbowdrop for 2. More punches, a whip – HHH bounces off and into an Austin spinebuster. Austin walks up to the second rope, but his double axehandle fails – HHH with a boot.

We see a replay of just that. HHH bounces off the ropes and hits a neckbreaker. He picks up Austin – another neckbreaker. HHH driving his knees onto Austin’s neck. In the corner, HHH with boots, but Austin retaliates with his own boots. HHH with a chop – Austin turns his back, so HHH hits a chop block. HHH out of the ring and whips Austin’s leg onto the ringpost a couple times, but after HHH decides to crotch him, Austin pulls his own legs in and HHH, holding, hits his weak shoulder onto the post. Austin back up and hobbling – HHH comes right back and hits another chop block. HHH placing Austin’s ankle on the ropes and lands an elbowdrop on it. Both men trade punches, but HHH gets the better. HHH lifts Austin’s leg up and drops it down to the mat.

Here comes the Figure Four and yes, it is locked. HHH makes great use of the top rope, like a good heel should. Austin trying to fight out, as HHH continually uses leverage. Eventually, Austin turns over and this looks like an Indian Deathlock by Austin. HHH quickly grabs the ropes to break the hold. HHH with a quick elbowdrop. HHH with a kick to the knee. A couple elbows to the knee, a pause to some heat, and another one. Austin grabs HHH’s hair and pulls him down, then bashes his head with the back of his knee/knee brace/leg a whole lot. Both men up and Austin gets the Ten, no, Eleven Turnbuckle Punch spot. Whip by Austin – HHH bounces off, ducks, bounces off the other side – Austin with a Thesz Press and punches. Austin back up, bounces off the ropes with an elbow for 2.

Whip by Austin, HHH bounces off, Austin for the boot, but HHH holds it – Austin responds with a clothesline. HHH slowly up, as Austin measures. KICK WHAM STUN-NO, HHH pushes Austin into the turnbuckle. Awesome. HHH with a neckbreaker and a cover for 2. Here’s a replay. Austin with a boot, but he’s shoved into the corner. Austin bounces off, but HHH rolls him up for 2. Austin pulls his tights and rolls him up for 2. Austin up with punches, as HHH is now backed into a corner – HHH responds with a lowblow and now, he goes up top, trying something from the second rope. Big mistake – he lands about 3 feet away from Austin, who hits HHH with the knee and Stunner for the ONE TWO THREE.

The winner of this first duel is Steve Austin.

Both men are down. Austin shows signs of life; breathing heavily, while getting up. He talks trash to HHH, who lays on the mat. Fink tells us who won.

Austin throws HHH out of the ring. Now Austin’s outside. Kneelifts onto HHH’s stomach. They’re right near the bottom part of the ramp. Austin hits a vertical suplex on it. And he hits ANOTHER ONE. We get a replay. Meet the steps, HHH. Austin bashes HHH’s head on the mat. They’re at the announcer’s table – Austin rips off the covering of the Spanish announcers’ table and takes out a monitor. Austin with the monitor – swinging it and it HITS HHH in the face. Austin tosses chairs into the ring. Three, in fact. HHH running into the crowd, but Austin after him with punches, some of which, he is standing on top of him. They get out of the crowd soon enough and HHH gets thrown into the ring. Austin gets in, as well. HHH has grabbed a chair, but Austin counters with a boot.

Austin with chairshots galore to at first, HHH’s back, then a whole bunch on his knees, then on his KNEES AND BACK. Big pop for this right here. Austin rams the edge of the chair to HHH’s sternum – cover for 2. Austin leaves the ring and bring in the bell. HHH tries leaving again, but Austin punches him and slams his head onto the timekeepers’ table. Austin goes behind the US commentators’ table and PULLS OUT A BARBED WIRE 2X4. Austin swings, but HHH with a boot. HHH has the 2X4 now – he swings and it hits Austin on the head. Austin topples over the table. HHH with a punch and Austin is up and over the table. Yeeow. HHH goes over the table and punches Austin. HHH on top of the table now. Austin on the table as well. Pedigree? NO, AUSTIN BACKDROPS HIM FROM THE US TABLE ONTO THE SPANISH ANNOUNCERS’ TABLE. HOLY SHIT. Austin is bleeding like a muhfucka.

Austin with a beer and he hits HHH with it. Austin on top of HHH – punches! He tosses HHH back in. Austin in, but HHH grabs ahold and hits him with the ring bell. HHH covers for 2, no. HHH with a neckbreaker on the chair. Again, another close two count. Yet ANOTHER neckbreaker on the chair, but yet AGAIN, only a two count. We see a replay, but we see HHH go for yet ANOTHER neckbreaker on the chair in the small screen. Both men up – HHH bounces off the ropes, but Austin cinches on the sleeper, which HHH counters into a side suplex onto a chair for 2! HHH sets up another chair. Pedigree? NO! AUSTIN BACKDROPS HIM TO THE FLOOR. We see a Replay of that. Austin out and HHH’s head hits the post.

Austin with another chair – he hits HHH with it. "Evil eyes" comment by JR. Austin picks up the nearby ring steps…and tosses them towards the direction of HHH’s head! HHH is now bleeding from the head. There’s a punch by Austin, as we get another replay, but HHH hitting the drop toe hold onto the steps. He slams Austin’s head onto the steps. HHH looks behind the table and pulls out a sledgehammer! He swings, but Austin with a gutshot. Austin with a punch and he tosses HHH back in. Austin comes in, but now, with the sledgehammer. In the corner, Austin with many stomps onto a beaten HHH. Austin with a kneelift and a kick. Punches from Austin. Austin bounces off the ropes, but HHH has the sledgehammer and BOOM Austin’s down. PEDIGREE IS ACADEMIC. UNO DOES TRES. Replay.

Our winner in this, the second duel, is Triple H.

THE CELL’S COMIN’ DOWN

Both men are exhausted. HHH is up first, while Austin lays on his back. The bell rings, so let’s do THIS.

HHH picks up Austin, who begins those rapid fire punches, but HHH rams his head first into the cage. On top, HHH with punches and a choke. HHH rams Austin’s head once more into the cage. He picks up the 2X4, which was in the corner. HHH hits Austin with it – right in the face. HHH up, Austin on his knees. Austin flips over a chair in front of him, which hits HHH in the face, who was standing behind him. Austin with 2X4 to HHH’s mug. Austin rams him into the cage. 2X4 once again. HHH pushes off, ducks, but eats it again. HHH is down, so Austin dives onto HHH’s head with the 2X4. Cover for 2. Austin raking HHH’s forehead with the 2X4. Austin grabs HHH’s hair, but stalls, which gives HHH enough time to hit a DDT on a chair. Slow cover for 2. Austin is pulling himself up, as HHH walks into his direction.

Austin with boots and punches, punches, punches. HHH falls face first – Austin hooks him for 2. HHH tries in desperation to go up the cage, but Austin follows him up. They’re both on the top rope – Austin bashes HHH’s face onto the mesh. Now HHH does the same. An elbow from HHH, another head ramming from HHH and Austin is crotched and down. HHH is still, so Austin pulls him down for 2. Austin on top with punches. HHH with a boot, Austin ducks a clothesline, HHH bounces off the other ropes, Austin with a kick, but no Stunner, as Austin gets pushed into the cage. There’s the Pedigree – cover for ONLY TWO. HHH IS IN SHOCK. I am, too. HHH with a chairshot. Another Pedigree attempt, but Austin pushes him down – only to CATAPULT him onto the cage. HHH is wobbly – Austin in with a KICK and a STUNNER! Cover, 2, NO.

Austin and HHH are at opposite corners of the ring now.

Austin grabs the 2X4!

HHH grabs the nearby sledgehammer!

They look to hit each other.

And they are both successful. Except HHH lands on top of a prone Austin.

ONE

TWO

THREE.

...

WHOA. THE winner of this 2/3 Falls contest is Triple H.

Both men are down, but HHH is up. He looks dead. Austin gets up and hits his Stunner. We didn’t need that.

JR and King are stunned. I’m just amazed I got through recapping this match. Probably the longest match I’ve ever recapped in my history in this business. I’d feel really proud of myself if this helped me get any bitches. Sadly…L L L L L

King gets out of his seat. He fighting for the RIGHT TO NUDITY – NEXT!

We see clips of this very sad RTC/Kat/Lawler deal. It’s sad because I say so and because I AM SOMEBODY.

Backstage, RTC say something while looking down at us.

The PPV audience sees Kat naked. Well, her naked back.

WWF Shopzone hype!

WWF Fanatic Contest!

TAZZ comes out to fulfill Lawler’s commentating duties.

The sounds of screaching sirens and whatnot bring out STEVEN RICHARDS, who is accompanied by Ivory. For moral support, of course.

And next, sounds of horns brings out JERRY LAWLER, who is accompanied by THE KAT, who wears a very stunning number: a black trench coat.

Earlier today, the RTC shoo’s off those pesky XFL cheerleaders. Fuckin’ hoochie mamas.

Richards trash talks. Lawler responds in kind. Richards for a punch, but it don’t connect – Lawler with many, many punches. I wish I could punch like him. Richards to the floor. He comes back in and here’s the collar and elbow – Richards with punches – whip, Lawler bounces off, Richards for a hiptoss, blocked – Lawler hits a clothesline. Scoopslam by Lawler. Woohoo – kneedrop, as well. Richards out again. He tears off that fabulous white shirt and climbs back in that ring. He punches Lawler, but that does no good, as he gets thrown out yet again.

Lawler out to GET HIM SOME. He hits a punch – and this out of the ring shit only serves one purpose: to involve the god awful women in this. So while some commotion there is goin’ on, Lawler gets thrown into a ringpost and back in the ring, Richards quickly covers for 2. Richards goes for his RTC TRAIN…but Lawler moves out of the way and now, we get the TWENTY SIX PUNCHES FROM THE TURNBUCKLE SPOT. Lawler’s punches rule. That took like a million minutes out of this match. Lawler hits a bulldog – cover for 2. Richards pushes Lawler into the corner – he delivers some punches and a backelbow. Ivory grabs Lawler’s tights, which makes it all the more easier. Richards with a vertical suplex for 2.

Richards leaves the ring…and comes back in with a chair. Ivory is on the apron, which draws the ref’s attention. Somebody gets low blowed. No, I will not rewind to find out who. Lawler hits a single arm and regular DDT, in succession. Ivory on the apron once again – the ref tries to get her off. Kat comes into the ring, for God knows what reason. Richards has possession of the Women’s Title – he swings for the fences and Lawler’s head – Lawler ducks and does something. He then scoop slams Ivory. Again, Richards with the title – Lawler ducks and a punch. Richards grabs ahold of Lawler – the Kat has the title…and accidentally hits Lawler. COVER, TWO THREE! BWAHAHAHAHA.

THIS WAS THE GREATEST MATCH EVER.

JR and Tazz talk about stuff. That whole tag tables situation between the Dudleys, Edge ‘n Christian, and Undertaker and Kane.

We gets clips of that.

Michael Cole talks to Taker and Kane. They say stuff. It’s their yard. They don’t care about titles. Yadda yadda yadda.

We’re back to ringside and BOOM. Yep, that’s KANE there.

A few seconds later, ANOTHER BOOM…and THE UNDERTAKER comes to the ring.

And then, funny music brings out EDGE AND CHRISTIAN, who are not goofy, but intimidated.

Taker and Kane stands at the bottom of the ramp…and Edge and Christian just stand there. Uh oh…SCHEEEEEEEEEEEEEER BOOM

THE DUDLEY BOYZ come out. And hahahaha…Edge and Christian are MONKEYS IN THE MIDDLE. BWAHAHAHA.

Oh, darn. They hop off the ramp, which means one thing – Taker and Kane and the Dudleys are ‘bout to brawl.

The Dudleys and Kane ‘n Taker do punch each other a lot. And yep, them big guys are getting the advantage. They’re doing lots of that stuff that makes my head hurt. They brawl back into the ring. Just think "VIOLENCE!" as I finish this sentence. The Dudleys are these guys’ bitches. And Edge and Christian become the same, as they get their heads slammed on the announce table. Taker and Kane are about to powerbomb them two surfer dudes through a table outside the ring, but HERE COME THE DUDLEYS. Blah, blah, blah – D-von hits a flying clothesline onto Edge, while Bubba hits a HUUUGE backdrop on, I believe, Christian. Bubba misses the avalanche, so both the blondes put him in the Tree of Woe and STEP ON HIS BALLS. Ow. And yes, I’m taking it easy for this match. You can read someone else’s recap for MORE DETAILS on this OH SO INTERESTING MATCH. Oh, wait…

The blondes whip D-von, who bounces off and gets flapjacked onto the ropes. The blondes bring in chairs – they’re looking for a conchairto, but NO – someone ducks and uhh…Edge gets catapulted into Christian who has a chair. BLEH. Bubba with a scoop slam on Edge and D-von goes up top and WAAAAAAAASSSAAAAAHHHHH happens. Then, Bubba goes "D-VON GET THE TABLES!" and the crowd is really loud, I’m loving it, but FUCK – Taker and Kane are back in dis and D-von is beaten up. Meanwhile, in the ring, Christian hits a Tomikaze on Bubba. Taker and Kane are IN THE RING OH GOD NO. They hit stereo powerslams on Edge and Christian. Also, they hit stereo clotheslines from the top rope. WHOO HA GOTCHU ALL IN CHECK. My favorite Busta Rhymes song ever. But whatever happened to Craig Mack???

Bubba vainly throws punches at one of these tall guys. So does D-von. Umm…OK, I’m pretty tired and reading my notes will only bring back memories that I don’t wanna remember, so somewhere in the next, like 5 minutes, Rakishi and Haku run in and beat down on the big guys. Dudleys hit 3D on Christian through the motherfucking table and I can move on to the main event HIP HIP HOORAAAAAAAY LEWIS YOU’RE STILL A MURDERER IN MY BOOK.

We see the ultra cool WMX7 PPV hype with the funny looking foreigners.

Backstage, Kurt Angle is walking and looking DETERMINED.

AWESOME LIKE MY MOMMA Angle/Rock video package follows.

Backstage, Michael Cole is with the Rock, who is pacing and lookin’ hyped.

Tick, tock

Tick, tock

Tick, tock

Kurt’s reign is OVER.

We’re back IN THE ARENA.

KURT ANGLE comes out and is looking, well, DETERMINED.

THE ROCK looks like THE ROCK.

We get a staring thing between these two. Angle with some trash talkin’ and he goes for the belt shot…

Rock ducks the belt shot and he delivers some punches; backing Angle to the corner. Rock with a CCW, Angle with an Irish, Rock bounces off the corner and hits a clothesline. Rock with some kicks and a whip – reverse – Rock bounces off ropes, but Angle with a short kick to the thigh. Angle with boots. Angle for a punch, blocked – Rock gets in his share – whip – Angle bounces off into a Rock backelbow. Rock with a punch – whip – reverse – Rock quickly with a side Russian legsweep for 2. Rock with a punch – whip – reverse – Rock bounces off – Angle sets up for a backdrop, so Rock with a kick. Rock bounces off the ropes – Angle with a clothesline. Angle with boots , slams Rock’s head onto turnbuckle. More punches and boots. There’s a boot choke. "Angle sucks!" And a punch. "Angle sucks!"

Rock with punches and Angle is down - Rock bounces off the ropes, but right into Angle’s anklelock. Rock reaches the ropes quickly. Angle with a stomp to the ankle. Angle with a choke on the ropes. Angle with punches and boots – whip – Rock bounces off and fires off some punches. Another whip into ropes leads to Angle hitting the Belly to Belly overhead. There’s another by Angle. Whip by Angle – reverse – Rock hits his OWN Belly to Belly overhead. Both men down now. Angle back up to punch, blocked – Rock with punches – whip – reverse – Rock bounces off with a clothesline and HOO HA THE SHARPSHOOTER. Angle reaches the ropes.

Rock with a punch - whip – Angle bounces off – Rock with a backdrop for 2. Boot by Rock – whip – something leads to a NICE angular Angle side suplex. Angular! Angle up to the top rope, but Rock crotches him. Rock up top – could it be? Could it be the superplex? WHY YES IT IS! Rock covers for 2. Both men are tired. Rock with a punch, but Angle tosses him over the top rope. Rock looks hurt – grabbing his ankle. Angle back out and throws Rock back in. Doesn’t matter, though – Rock with a punch and a DDT. Both men down again and…

WELLLLLLLLLLLLLL

WELL IT’S TIME TO RUIN THE MAIN EVENT

Big Show chokeslams everyone in the ring. We get replays of the destruction left behind. Seems Mike Chiota is injured, as we have Earl Hebner and Tim White tending to him. Angle rolls over to cover Rock, but HELLO THERE IS NO REF. Seems like forever until Hebner makes the count – one two NO. Angle is still hurt, while Rock gets to his feet to leave the ring. He brings back the World Title. BOOM the belt hits Angle’s head. Hebner had left the ring…and now, he’s back in to count – one two NO. Both men try to get to their feet – Rock up first, but Angle goes right back to the anklelock. OOH HE’S GOT THAT SHIT ON LOCK NOW. Rock reaching…reaching…reaching…but Angle pulls him back closer to the center of the ring and drops his knee down HARD to the mat. BACK to the anklelock.

The crowd’s chanting ROCKY ROCKY, while Rock begins to reach for it again. Angle talking tons of trash, along with that TAP OUT YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH line. Rock…reaching…and YES, he grabs on. Angle with stomps to the ankle, but the ref pulls him off. Rock back up with punches, but Angle with his own. Angle with a kneelift, but he caught in Rock’s spinebuster. Rock with the set up…bouncing off one ropes…onto another set…PEOPLES ELBOW HITS. One, two, NO. Angle to the corner, while Rock hobbles towards him. Rock kicking while holding onto the ropes to gain some footing. Angle with a lowblow and he pulls off the turnbuckle padding. Angle for a punch, blocked, Rock with punches – whip, Angle bounces into a Rock Bottom setup, but Angle pushes him towards the unpadded turnbuckle.

Angle with an Olympic Slam ONE TWO NO. Angle pulls off one elbowpad and lands some punches. Rock with his own and now, Angle’s backed into a corner. Angle smartly with a boot to Rock’s ankle. Angle racing towards Rock, but Rock tosses him towards the unpadded turnbuckle. Rock with the setup and HITS the ROCK BOTTOM. COVER TWO NO.

SAY WHA? That fucking looked like an EVERYBODY THREE COUNT to me.

Rock with another setup…HITTING the ROCK BOTTOM ONCE AGAIN. COVER UNO DOS TRES.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN YOUR WINNER AND NEW WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION CHAMPION – THE RRRRRRRRRROCK!

Angle cries before heading to the entrance. Rock celebrates with THE PEOPLE.