I took the week off. Blame it on a couple things: diarrhea, which ROCKED, and desire, of which I had none of.

But THIS WEEK, things will be better! Yes, they will. Because I am UN-sick, I will be more than physically and uhmm…willfully able to perform the egregious task that is watching one hour of the syndicated goodness that is WWF Metal.

But wait – I’m too lazy to do Metal! So you’re getting WOW instead!

But I first wanna stress to you, the reader, that my half-assed recaps will always be of the same quality: half-assed and shitty. And if they would ever and I mean, EVER become something close to or exceeding the quality of half-assed and shitty…to, let’s say, entertaining and well written, then you might as well click the Back button on your browsers.

HALF-ASSED HACKERY! EXCELSIOR!

WOW BENGALI – humble as a mumble in the jungle of shouts and screams that’s the way the cracker crumbles so i guess i’ve got to re-route my dreams

We see replays of

- the Danger/Terri Gold chicanery. This was pretty good, I thought. Danger’s not a looker, so this makes her the perfect heel. Hot chicks don’t make good heels, unless you go for that Lana Star act, I think.

- Ice Cold attacking Patti Pizzazz, then getting attacked by Lana, who cuts her hair.

- Some bullshit involving SCREWINESS to hype up Jungle Grrrl and Beckie the Farmer’s Daughter…and help Caged Heat move onto the finals.

YES! Original stuff! The Beach Patrol comes to McLane’s office and says stuff. McLane shills the PPV. God, these women just can not act…and Summer’s face is kinda busted. I think it’s those huge ass lips. Anyway, the Swimsuit competition is really really important, so our lifeguard friends got Venus Swimwear to hook up WOW. They’re wonderful.

Lana Star comes to the ring and has Ice Cold’s hair in a plastic bag. That BITCH! But here’s her opponent! ROXY POWERS!

Roxy’s beautiful. I think that’s all I’m gonna do – is comment on these women. Lockup and there’s a Fireman’s carry into a something by Roxy. But Lana gets her Facelift bulldog thingy and SHE GOES FOR THE SCISSORS. But here’s Ice Cold! With a fan in a trench coat! MIRROR! BOOM! Ice Cold gets the scissors! Snip ‘em! Snip ‘em!

Ice Cold wants Lana in some head shaving match. That wouldn’t be good for either of them.

Jungle’s hair is different. Maybe she used that Pert Plus shit. Lotus must be Chinese or something. Jungle with a missile dropkick outta nowhere to start. There’s a hiptoss thingy. Another one. Scoop slam and a cover for 2. There’s a leapfrog, but Lotus gets a schoolboy. Ahh…those Chinese are so smart! Here’s some kicks and now, DROPKICKS from Lotus. Her third one gets smacked off by Jungle, though. Jungle with a keen spinning…then a backbreaker. Here’s the vertical suplex, as we go to a break.

Jungle hits a headbutt off the top rope. Thrown into the corner, Lotus receives kicks. Lotus reverses a cross corner whip, but Jungle goes up top, turns around and HITS a flying clothesline! God, she’s so athletic. Here are some kicks from Jungle. MELTDOWN by Jungle. Lotus gets placed on the top rope, so Jungle can punch her. Here comes her SUPERPLEX. Distance of this one, fah sure. Up top once again, RULINGEST SPLASH! ONE TWO THREE.

After the match, Beckie runs in to dropkick Jungle out the ring. OOH THE FAT MAN GETS IN BETWEEN THE HOT WOMEN. YOU LUCKY LUCKY MAN.

Backstage, Lana and Patti say stuff, but Lana accepts the challenge. This is WAR. I think this will be a tag team affair, but maybe Ice Cold was either unclear or I didn’t take really good notes at 2 something when I was reviewing this.

We see LOTS OF HYPE. Like maybe 4 or 5 minutes worth of Unleashed Hype. God, someone needs to get me a room with Thug. Oh yes.

Riot says stuff. God, she rocks. And wears tiny pants. Jane Blond looks kinda weird with those glasses on. Like she has that Tori vibe to her. And what with her hands?! Lockup – Riot with a side headlock and some stuff. Okay, is that a hammerlock and if it is, why should I care? Jane gets in a headlock of her own – dropkick. Riot with a legwhip? There’s a headlock and shoulderblock.

Jane with an armbar, but Riot gets to the ropes. Jane with an armdrag and OH LODE SHE’S WRINGING THAT ARM. Riot with a kneelift and hiptoss. There’s a dropkick and scoopslam. Riot on the second rope, but some stalling leads to Jane picking her up and slammin’ her. Jane with a scoop slam. She goes up top, but get crotched. She gets her hair pulled or something. And RIOT BECOMES BENOIT LOOK AT THAT CROSSFACE OH MAH.

Something happens and Jane gets a backslide for 2. Riot with a clothesline and she puts Jane up top. Riot with some punches and there’s a powerslam setup…stalling…SCOOPslam. Torture rack by Riot and she drops her down. Riot goes for a powerbomb, but Jane’s feisty – she hits a dropkick. But oh no, she misses the missile dropkick. He’s a taunt – and a RIOT POWERBOMB. YES! Choke, but a cover – 1,2,3.

Riot says something, but here’s WENDI WHEELS. Garbage can shot on Riot! Blowout! She challenges Riot to a hardcore match, which is accepted.

Shillery for Becky/Jungle Grrrl.

Mmm…Thug. I’m a huge EZ Rider fan. She’s awesome…and HOT. Even more than Riot. Beach Patrol dropkicks all 3 of them and you know what? This match kinda sucked. You had these full nelson spots and like no one wanted to do any dragon suplexes. What the fuck is up with that? Regardless, Thug interferes and does her Vaderbomb on Summer, I think…and EZ and Charlie move on to face Caged Heat at Unleashed.

Shill me some more.

Comments? I’m SO not in the mood, girlfriend.