Hi.

My COMPAQ sucks balls. SHOCKING!

My life is very boring. SHOCKING!

I might need to shave this thing off my chin. SHOCKING!

And this intro has become far too long. SHOCKING!

We’re greeted to the sound of Kevin Kelly’s voice…and oh, that’s Tom Pritchard, as well. HOOWAH.

I look like Pritchard, if you cut off the mullet and a bit off the sides…and if I didn’t part my wavy ass hair. Essa’s stripping for Molly…and he’s wearing a choker. Lockup, Crash with a waistlock, Essa with a go-behind and a wristlock (I think) and reversals galore. Essa with a scoop slam. Lockup, Essa with a waistlock and here’s some unrecappable mat stuff!

Crash with a scoop slam and a back elbow. Essa falls to the floor off a backdrop, on his feet, but still lands on his ass. Crash with a baseball slide, but Essa lifts himself using the top rope, but Crash pulls him down, using the legs. Crash back in the ring – he runs towards the ropes and nails a headscissors on Essa, who lands on the apron. Crash covers for 2. Crash with a stomp. Another flying headscissors? Nope – Essa plants him off the windmill suplex setup.

[Primus is good recapping music. Yes, it is.]

Essa with a leg lariat for 2. Essa with punches, but Crash getting his own. Essa with a punch and an eyepoke. Here’s a reversal of a piledriver and ROLLUPS! and there’s a Crash rollup – for 3? YES.

POST-MATCH SHENANEGANS~!: Essa hits his somersault press thingy on Crash, as he went to leave. Maybe this is how to make that move look bad-ass.

Jonathon Coachman, SHILL ME PLZ. Couldn’t they just have plugged in a Bertha Faye squash here?

Commercials – hey, there’s one for that GAY FOOTBALL.

WEIDER MEANS RESULTS! Fuck that – I’ll stick to my pushups so that one day, I can grow up to be big and strong like my hero HHH.

Last month on RAW, Chyna hurt her neck. I cried. Cried like a woman. Last Monday, she did a sit down interview with someone – but she didn’t wear a brace. Instead, she decided to embrace a whole lotta makeup – God, she looks like a fucking clown here. Oh, there was a Lumberjack match between One Billy Gunn and Val Venis. Everytime I watch a RAW or SMACKdown, I always see a fat chick with a sign that resembles "I WANT BILLY GUNN" or something of that nature. I go for the anorexic type, myself. Okay – so Billy hits the sleeperslam for the win. AND THERE’S A RUMBLE AND LOOK – D’LO’S IN A PANJABI! THE COW! THE COW!

Commercials – hey, there’s one for the NYSPD! WHITEY MUST OH PRESS ME ONCE MORE!

Royal Rumble Replay: Kane clotheslines numerous guys – even the lovable Kurrgan! In my notes, I called Goldust "Goldbust" for some reason. Just thought I’d letcha know.

Morgan’s from APW, so he’s supposed to be GOD. We’ll see. Lockup – Morgan with some stuff involving the wrist and left arm. Cross corner whip – Morgan with a shoulder first tackle, European uppercuts and punches. And a kick. Kwick, with some athletic ingenuity, goes uptop on one motion and HITS a missle dropkick. We get a replay o’ that.

Whip by Kwick, but a sloppy ‘rana. Donovan hits a NICE side belly to back suplex. Well, the belly and back WERE touching. Snapmare and a SNAPPY kick by Morgan. Crosscorner whip by Morgan – Kwick bounces off the turnbuckle – only for Morgan to hit a KEEN Northern Lights suplex for 2. Morgan with a snap suplex for 2.

[This Morgan dude is impressive, ain’t he?]

Kwick with punches, but runs into a knee. A bit later, Kwick hits a Flatliner as both men go down. Morgan misses a clothesline – Kwick with punches. Later on, Morgan misses another clothesline – Kwick responds with a spinkick for 2. Here’s some stuff that I bothered not to recap – and there’s the front suplex for Kwick. Cover, 2, 3.

After the match, Kwick spits something red onto the mat. Blood?

Flipping the channels: I see a Deathmatch between Gandhi and Genghis Khan. Not very entertaining.

1-800-COLLECT SLAM OF THE WEEK just happens to be on SMACKdown, with Rocky defying authority and beating up lots of referees! But wasn’t this from a coupla weeks ago? YES, IT WAS!

[I like answering my own questions. Makes me SMART.]

On RAW this week, we see Rock and 2 refs vs. Kane/Rikishi. Taker makes the save. And damn, Steph looked pretty damn hot. It was the cleavage. And the lack of noticeable makeup. On SMACKdown, we had the Rikishi/Kane/Taker/Rock affair for the 30 spot in the Rumble. This seems cool, but I never saw it the first time. My dad likes basketball and I fell asleep with the remote IN MY FUCKING HANDS. Basically, everyone had GREAT shots at getting the pin, but someone would screw the other out. Of course, the least deserving – Rikishi – gets the win with the squishy sitdown thing that I like.

DIVAS! Postcards from the Carribean! I DON’T MIND!

On RAW, we were treated to a KICKASS GREAT AWESOME WONDERFUL MATCH. Steve Austin and Kurt Angle put on a FUCKING SHOW for the fans. The brawling was fun, the decision to bring Regal in WITH THE PIPE was smart, the suplexes made the match compelling as FUCK, the ending with the teasing of the Olympic Slam and Stunner was fucking great. I marked out AGAIN last night watching it, because it ROCKED. Reminded me a lot of the teasing of the superkick and Stunner in WMXIV. Damn that HHH. Damn him to HELLLLLLLL.

On SMACKdown, a six man tag get disrupted by AUSTIN VENGENCE. He calls out Vince, who gives him A SPOT in the Rumble.

Scotty and Boyce lock up – Scotty with a side headlock – he bounces off with a shoulderblock, some chops and a dropkick. Tag to Sexay, who nails a spinebuster and a clothesline. Tag to Thompson, who falls victim to a crosscorner Irish. Someone got a crossbody for 2. Don’t ask. Tag to Scotty – who delivers punches. Robert with a scoop slam. Boyce misses a quebrada off the top rope. Both men tag out. My notes say it’s Scotty, but Sexay usually hits the enziguri, so I dunno.

On the second rope, Sexay hits a missile dropkick. Spiked powerbomb by Too Cool on Boyce. Robert gets hit with a bulldog. Oh yes – this move will never die because it’s just G-A-Y. Robert rolls out, but Boyce then gets hits with a double flapjack. Sexay hits the HIP HOP DROP for uno dos tres.

XF…oh, fuck this shit.

CREAMY CREAMY

CRUNCHY CRUNCHY

CHEWY CHEWY

SOMETHIN’ SOMETHIN’

TWIX

IT’S ALL IN THE MIX

ROYAL RUMBLE! NEXT SUNDAY! NOT THIS SUNDAY! 8PM! ONLY ON PPV! ANGLE! WITH TRISH! HHH, CHALLENGER! WITH STEPH! BENOIT! JERICHO! IC LADDER MATCH!

Any thoughts, Tanvir? No, damnit. I’m fucking tired.

BYEEEEE.