DOUBLE DUTY~! I can *do* this, damnit.

Kelly immediately makes me roll my eyes by saying Essa will be making great strides in 2001. Uh huh. Lockup, Essa with clubbin’ blows – whip to the corner – Essa with a running clothesline. Essa with a cross corner whip – reversed – Kwick runs towards Essa, but feels a drop toehold to the bottom turnbuckle stops him. Kwick regains the advantage somewhat quickly and BOOM – a missile dropkick, which takes Essa outside. Kwick follows out, but Essa hits a superkick.

Back in, Essa with blows to the back, but that’s enough for Kwick hits a flying headscissors and a SHITTY leg lariat. Kwick with a punch, but he tries for a kick, which leads to the err…opening for Essa to crotch him. Yeah. Essa kicks him and Kwick falls to the floor. Ref counts away, but here’s Essa with that running springboard thesz press thingy he does so well. Lita still rules – ha ha. Back in, Essa hits an elbowdrop for 2.

Essa plants Kwick face first off the windmill suplex type setup. Kwick gets in a Flatliner. And hey, Kwick with some punches. After a whip and Essa ducking – Kwick hits a kick and a scissor kick for 2. Kwick yells and goes up top, but Essa crotches him. Essa’s ‘rana is blocked. We see a FRONT SUPLEX from Kwick, who’s on the top rope and Essa, who’s on the second rope. Pretty fucking awesome visual – enough to win the match, it was.

Bruce Pritchard and Kevin Kelly say very important stuff. I won’t bother to recap it for you, though. Haha.

Coach says stuff because McMahon likes "Sell Out" by Reel Big Fish. And fuck you, Coldplay fucking sucks AND it rhymes with GAY so there.

COMMERCIALS could die or go to heaven or find its way to Hell.

We see highlights of Rakishi/Taker from RAW for that Triple Threat gangbang on SMACKdown. I like how the fans boo the stinkface now. Now if only they’d boo Old Glory. Taker is quite over, which is nice and stuff, but for a big man to win WITH A DDT?! Come ON. I mean – couldn’t he have won with something more badass – like a Slingshot Shooting Star Press? Fucking slacker.

Shill me that football league that is part of the WWFE.

Okay, I’m very sick of this "Save the Last Dance" hype. Fine – a white girl moves to a "ethnic" ‘hood and learns to assimilate and shit. And she learns how to dance all ghetto, which means doing all those great moves in my favorite DMX videos. I just don’t understand why ANYONE would fine her attractive, though. She looks like a plain Jane to me. Couldn’t they have casted that Mina Suvari chick instead?

Okay, I’m beginning to forget the names of the Too Cool guys. But this is Grandmaster Sexay. Yeah. Sexay dances for a while, so I decide to watch some of "Any Given Sunday" on HBO. I flip back, and he’s still dancing. Jesus. Can we start PRAYING TO THE COW ALREADY?

No. Tiger wants to speak while walking down the entranceway. He calls us ignorant. And he wonders why people hate him – is it because of their BEAUTIFUL TURBANS? No, it’s because of their MONEY and POWER! He asks for silence as he and D’lo pay their respects. (For who? THE COW!)

Sexay gets caught off guard and D’lo attacks after the quick prayer. D’lo with stomps, punch, and a side headlock. There’s a shoulder block, but hoo-wah – Sexay with a hiptoss. Scotty slides under D’lo’s legs after a "let’s bounce off the ropes so Tanvir can’t recap this at all" segment and hits an enziguri. D’lo’s out of the ring – Sexay hits a dropkick THROUGH the middle and bottom ropes. Cool. Back in, and Sexay’s on the 2^nd ropes, but D’lo punches. That’s not enough – Sexay still hits the Rolling DDT. Here’s a bulldog for 2. Another one? Nope – Sexay gets pushed crotchfirst into the middle turnbuckle.

D’lo hits a scoopslam, but misses the second rope legdrop. Sexay with some punches and a back bodydrop. He also prays to the cow and hits a missle dropkick for 2. There’s a crossbody, but there’s the dastardly Tiger bothering the ref! Sexay goes for a suplex, but crotches D’lo on the ropes, instead. Okay, so Tiger does SOMETHING behind the ref’s back to Sexay and D’lo capitalizes after getting untangled. Cover – 1,2,3.

Buy the Chris Jericho tape.

On RAW, Angle did something HEELISH to cause Rock to lose to Kane, which meant not being involved in the Number One Contendah match. You know something – I watch this show practically every week, but I remember only about half the shit. Thank Allah for Metal. And no, Allah ain’t a fucking cow.

On SMACKdown, we see Rock/Angle in a non-title affair that everyone liked. I hate this Rock guy – I think it’s because he’s a jock. However, I do like GILLBERG! Man, now HE rocked – didn’t he? But this whole thing made me sad. Rock decides to chair lots of referees and even hits Angle. Now, I’m really sad. L

When I wrote this, I was thinking about singing some Seal, but instead, I’ll sing "Boombastic" by Shaggy. God, I feel so URBAN!

Dial 1-800-COLLECT to find out that your SLAM OF THE WEEK was Steph having the lick the beer off her breastesses because of Austin.

Fuck that – I’m hooked to the Los Boriquas song a lot more. I wish I was a Boriqua. Now, I’m even more sad. L

On RAW, Steph was a BITCH. And shockingly, she decided to mess with Austin. SELL THE BEER! Hey, is that BUTCH ROSSER getting his ass kicked? Naw, let’s cut down about 5 inches. Steph gets mustard on her breastesses. And the aPa~! likes drinking BEER! William Regal makes me laugh because he talks funny to the puppies. God, this guy is GOLD. But I was like, saying the same thing about Jericho. Regardless, it’s Regal’s old school mannerisms that warm me to him. And Steph’s breasts are real. Shocking. Steph also screwed Austin’s chances for that gangbang on SMACKdown.

On SMACKdown, I saw something truly amazing and shocking. Austin just murdered Regal. And everything was just very scary, surreal and just very watchable. We need more of that in wrestling, damnit. Austin almost gets oral sex from Steph, but Vince saves his little girl. Obviously, so he can be involved in some incestuous activity later on. We also see the Triple Threat gangbang – Austin replaces Regal and I was very tired writing notes. McMahon counts the 1,2,3 for Austin.

Austin and Angle on RAW. For the TITLE. I think it’ll rock. So should you, elitist puro freak! *shakes fist*

No Mercy stuff leads us to the SHOCKING truth as TRISH SCREWS TEST.

Okay, I threw out like a whole bunch of paper, most of which were notes that I used for recapping those horrible shows from last year. Good GOD. And there’s your reasoning for my lousy 2.625 GPA. LOUSY.

My brother doesn’t like this Toasters song. He should go away. Singh asks for silence, but it’s time to TURN IT UP. Chaz goes to attack, but Scotty’s smart to the game, ya see. Scotty with a backelbow, hiptoss, and there’s a clothesline out of the ring. A baseball slide leads to nothing good – Chaz punches him and stuff outside. Back in the ring, Chaz tries to throw Scotty out, but he SKINS THE CAT like HBK DID IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE!

"Maybe SCOTTY TOO HOTTY will win THIS YEAR’S RUMBLE!" *cheezy smile*

Scotty throws out Chaz, who doesn’t skin the cat. Guess we know who ISN’T winning the Rumble! Scotty chases after Tiger outside, but Chaz is hiding. When Scotty sees him, Chaz lifts him up...HOTSHOT! Tiger stomps him a few, as Chaz comes into and out the ring within seconds. Chaz with a stomp and he throws in Scotty. Chaz is a HEEL because he chokes Scotty with his neck on the rope. Gimme that CLOSEUP!

Scotty gets a kneelift off an exchange and whatnot. Chaz gets an atomic drop (inverted, I think) and a flying forearm for 2. There’s another choke – I think it’s a foot on the throat. Sideslam for 2. Scott’s all sorts of hurtin’. Chaz tries for a vertical suplex, but Scotty rolls up and out of it. They punch. Tiger decides to PRAY TO THE COW. Scotty kicks and stuff – crosscorner whip – Chaz reverses – Scotty hits the turnbuckle and there’s a Chaz powerslam for 2. Chaz goes for a powerbomb, but Scotty reverses into a DDT.

They trade punches – Scotty gets the upper hand and there’s a backdrop. Scotty with a pumphandle belly to back suplex, I think. Both men hurt, and after a little exchange, Scotty hits the bulldog and fuck you all – THIS MOVE IS FUCKING GAY. Tiger grabs the ref once more and Chaz hits the not-quite-burning hammer.

And Grandmaster Sexay runs down and hits the legdrop from the top rope, I think. And Scotty covers for tres.

Post match, they dance. Too Cool, that is. Lo Down goes somewhere – probably, to pray to the cow. We also see sprinkly stuff coming out of the turnbuckles. I like sprinkles!

Coach shills that awful new WWFE entity. Oh, fuck off.

Okay. Here’s the last bit of shilling:

AUSTIN! ANGLE! RAW! Monday! 9 PM! TNN! TITLE IS ON THE LINE OH MAH GOD KEEEENG!

Any thoughts, Tanvir? Yeah, I am very sad. And this show wasn’t as good as last week’s. Perhaps, we had too much Lo Down. And too much Lo Down. Shit – can we have an ALBERT MATCH ALREADY??! And like, where’s Saturn? I dug the Chaz match more than the D’lo match, probably because Scotty can actually work damn well and Sexay isn’t as athletic, methinks. The announcers said stuff, but I listen and forget to transcribe their shit. OK, I’m done. Another hour of programming to recap. Let’s see how long it takes me to DIE.