Televised/Written: 12/09/09
My name is Ravi Shankar and I am here to give you the Bengali Metal.
It's NYC and the weather sucks. I'd prefer not to be fasting while all the gringos eat their food right in front of me. And I pretty much hate everybody this week - except for Nat Turner, who maintains a warm place in my heart for his place in American history. ROCK ON, NAT! ROCK ON!
I actually watched the WOW. It’s actually a pretty good show - not because of the tits and ass either. Basically, the promos are just about the campiest bit of tripe out there - makes me feel like I'm watching WWF in 1989. And the faces ALWAYS touch the fans' hands while racing into the ring. It all looks REALLY fucking stupid, but there's some kind of "purity" in watching something so...different.
I did not see ECW's PPV, because I don't live on my own and my dad ain't paying for any of that disgusting wrestling. I don't blame him either - I'd rather buy $29.95 worth of junk food and groceries than well $29.95 worth of men wrestling in tights. But whatever.
I got an A- on my English paper. So why do I feel like I didn’t deserve it because I half-assed it from 1:00 to 2:30 am? And why will this throat NOT get any better? And why is my sound not working? And should I start my recap already? Arrgh.
THESE QUESTIONS and MORE answered on THIS WEEK’S BENGALI METAL! *thumbs up*
wwf metal
RAVEN vs. TAKA MICHINOKU
Kaw, kaw, kaw – Raven’s from the Bowery. TAKA’s from Arkansas. Let’s do dis. Lockup – and into the corner, they go. Lots of punches by Raven. Pull him off, ref! Taka with a couple of boots and a headscissors takedown. Raven out of the ring, so Taka hits him with a baseball slide. THEN, Taka says "hey, I feel like killing myself" and misses a pescado. Raven with a Russian legsweep into the barrier.
Both men back in the ring – Raven with a crosscorner whip, avalanche and the Kidman bulldog. Oh, lookee – Raven rips off Tajiri with a shitty Tarantula. And oh, look – a cross corner whip leads to…a Kidman-esque clothesline! Taka with a sunset flip for 2. Raven gets a clothesline. Both men exchange sleepers – Taka counters with a jawbreaker. Raven with a snapmare, but Taka rolls him up for an inside cradle.
Both men trade punches. Taka with a sweet spinning heel kick. I betcha he learned that in Arkansas! And there’s a seated dropkick! And a sloppy ‘rana for 2. This apparently is what we in the industry like to call "token offense", as Raven hits a DDT for the win. That’s right – a DDT means immediate victory for Raven, but not Buff Bagwell. Sad.
WINNER IS RAVEN
POST-MATCH SHENANEGANS: "Get up!" – Raven to Taka.
Kevin Kelly and Tom Pritchard say stuff. It has no utter meaning or importance, unlike this recap!
Coach shills because VINCE IS HOLDING HIM DOWN AND RAPING HIM BUT COACH MUST FIGHT BACK AND RAGE RAGE RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE
Commercials to soothe the savage beast that goes by the name of capitalism.
SLAM OF THE WEEK: Cactus falls through a cage, which inevitably leads to what was supposed to be his career match – until Vince offered him a boatload of money to come back and wrestle a month later for less than 10 minutes. Hell, who cares about maintaining your legacy if it means an extra check? And who gives a shit about legacies when your wife may be feeding you with a spoon in 15 years, right?
AL SNOW (has no moustache) vs. MIKE BELL (has no entrance)
Circling - lockup and we’ve got unrecappable mat wrestling, folks! Let’s just say we see hammerlocks and standing switches and kip ups and the like, OK? In the corner, Bell with punches. After a crosscorner whip, Snow hits a clothesline and kicks. Bell punches some more, but runs into some boots and a backelbow. SNOW QUEBRADA~!, which hit Bell standing up. Teddy Long will not allow any head in this here ring.
Bell with some blasé offense, including a hotshot and a fallaway slam. Pedigree underhook setup into a powerbomb by Bell. THAT was cool. Both men trade punches – Al getting the better. Back bodydrop by Snow. Snow hits a DDT after a cross corner whip goes awry. And there’s the Snow Plow because Good Lord, I still don’t know half the moves I see on television by name.
WINNER IS SNOW
POST MATCH SHENANEGANS: Snow introduces Bell to Head.
Commercials are so much better than a Godsmack video. God, they suck.
On RAW, Vince portrayed the benevolent owner we know him to be, because he cares about his investment…err, wrestlers! Yeah! Anyways, he confronts a bunch of the combatants in the HitC 6-Man, urging them not to participate. I wished I really truly cared about this angle, but really, I think something of more relevance came up in my life. Really – because this product doesn’t make me stand up in attention anymore, not as much as it did a year ago. But YEAH, a bunch of wrestlers decide to kick Vince’s ass, so a bunch of mean dirty heels in the match decide to beat down the righteous half of good to end RAW.
On SmackDOWN, Vince came back as a cripple. He’s as angry as ever. HE’S VINCE McMAHON. And he’s like THE BEST HEEL EVER. And he proved it on Smackdown, by lacing into that crowd. After Foley said some stuff and left, Vince basically seals his BEST HEEL EVER status by lacing into that shrew of a wife. He wants a divorce, so Linda tries really hard to look upset. Vince deserved better for a wife. You know – someone who’d actually CRY when you’d hurt her feelings.
Commercials because deciding to start your own Christian themed rock band just DOES NOT appeal to me at all.
Oh God – Ashton Kushner, who does not deserve to have his name spelt correctly by ANY OF US, so needs to get the fuck off my television. You see – dumb people are cool, but people who just ACT dumb are really tired. Guys like David Arquette. It’s just a really dumb schtick that appeals to NO ONE – not even low brow enthusiasts like myself. ‘Nuff said.
EDDY GUERRERO vs. ESSA RIOS
"Eddy sucks!" Lockup – Eddy works on that arm, but Essa with a hiptoss. They move too fast for me here, so I’ll just skip it. Essa with some punches in the corner. Crosscorner irish whip by Essa, but Eddy dropkicks on the knee. Eddy stomps, so we hear those "Eddy sucks!" chants again. Eddy with some pressure on that left leg – use them ropes, Eddy.
Back suplex for 2. More stretching of the leg. Essa with a desperation enziguri. Eddy still is strong – he places Essa up top, but his ‘rana is blocked. Essa now up top – looks like he’s going for a ‘rana, but Eddy just PLANTS him with a mean as all get out powerbomb that folded him in half. Sloppy, to say the least. Essa gets a scoopslam and walks up top – all the while, selling his injury.
Essa moonsaults, but hits Eddy’s knees. Eddy takes advantage with a magistral cradle for the pin, thus the win.
WINNER IS EDDY
Commercials will be the death of you, you and you.
Austin said some stuff on SmackDOWN that I don’t care to repeat, other than he wants to suffer and BLEED. Or something. Angle agrees, so Austin decides to chuck beer cans at him. Later on, Angle beats up Rock, but the Rock fights back. HHH and Rikishi interfere and no one should be shocked by the turn of events. Then, we shockingly see this tenuous alliance TOTALLY break down. Looks like we’ll be seeing HELL in a CELL after all. Okay, so who’s got bets that Rikishi’s getting thrown off the top? I mean – he’s the only one who doesn’t really matter in terms of money. And why risk having a money performer die when you’ve got a midcard heel RIGHT THERE.
Commercials because SOMEONE’S gotta pay the bills, yo.
TOO COOL vs. LO DOWN ( w/ Tiger Ali Singh)
Oh, don’t tell me that I can’t be a Lo Down fan. THESE GUYS RULE! And with Singh in their corner, nothing can nor will stop them. I just wished Tiger would stop wearing those god-awful panjabis to the ring. MY CULTURE WILL NEVER CEASE EXISTING. Turbans rule, however. Chaz and Sexay to start. Chaz with punches and there’s a Sexay boot ‘n bulldog.
Dance, missile dropkick by Sexay from the second rope. Tag to Scotty. Sexay with a kneelift and Scotty with a forward roll legdrop. TAG TEAM MOVES EXIST! Superkick by Scotty. D-lo pulls the top rope when Scotty goes to bounce off it. D-lo beats up Scotty outside. After thrown back in, Chaz covers him for 2.
Scotty punches a lot and hits an atomic drop, a knee lift and some good ole clubbing. Scotty hits a DDT. Both men down – Sexay dropkicks both men. D-lo clothesline the wrong man – STUPID HEELS! Arrgh! Sexay with a cover for 2. Sexay clotheslines D’lo and OH MY GOD HIS TURBAN FALLS OFF. G-A-Y CHOP by Scotty. Hip hop drop looks to happen, but Singh pushes Sexay off. D-lo capitalizes with a frog splash to end all frog splashes. One, two and another one.
WINNERZ ARE LO DOWN
Commercials because YOU JUST can’t get enough of them. Really.
Shill that PPV with those matches that I still don’t know most of nor do I care to.
We’re done.
Any thoughts, Tanvir? Umm...I found myself digging the Taka/Raven match, even with its brevity. I figure that Raven can rip off enough manuevers from guys he's been associated in the past to become a pretty decent wrestler...in a few years. But really, Taka was impressive as usual and that's as shocking as the sun rising tomorrow. Snow did well in his match with Bell, but I have a problem with guys giving unestablished jobbers too much offense. I'm sorry, but this is the WWF - and I just don't understand solid midcarders selling for someone who's just there to tryout. Maybe there's some established backstage rule that I don't know about. Eddy vs. Essa was basically what I've learned to expect from both - some nice athleticism, but nothing truly great. Eddy, for as good as he is, doesn't match up to his peak a few years ago. Essa fits into that RVD "gymnast" category quite well. And Lo Down gets another cheap win, which doesn't give them any more cred. And can someone explain those turbans to me? Seriously - *I'd* like to know.
Thanks for reading.
Tanvir Raquib
Because my parents couldn't just name me Joe