WWE RAW (04/14/03)
by Tony Ling

This is it. The next to last recap I do for Raw, EVER. So no extraneous small talky crap up top this week - let's get right to the action!

: And right away we get Kevin Nash to cheers from the crowd at Richmond, Virginia, as The Coach (replacing JR, of course) and Lawler get to sing his praises. Hey, new pyro for Nash! I guess Kane no longer gets the privilege of "only guy with pyro from the turnbuckle posts". Nine months IS a long time, Nash, thanks for pointing that out. Haha, he says he's not so glad to be back and the crowd boos, obviously thinking they have been slighted. Nash brings up the Kliq thing to confuse us again as to what year this is. There is something a wee bit curious about Nash's "bros before hos" attitude he's taking towards all of this. And here comes HHH (looking rather, uh, continental), and the two men share a hug. I know, the 411's Raw review will certainly be playing up the gay thing too, but really, who could resist? HHH informs us that he and HBK have apparently ended their friendship for good (with ass kissing imagery to make me a little queasy), and now here's HBK for a rebuttal. Coach is really not a good commentator. HBK is steamed about all this and they have a little spat until Nash steps in, his voice going strangely girlishly high as he does so. I really do not care about this. The match between Booker/HBK/Nash and HHH/Flair/Jericho has already been signed, so I guess the only reason for this is to plant a Nash heel turn seed. HHH, meanwhile, lets us know that if Nash joined him, he'd be second to the champ. But he also says that his refreshingly direct stance is better than HBK's manipulations. This is so over the heads of the crowd that they have no choice but to also not care. Well, that and chant asshole to HHH. HHH says more crap, then leaves the ring. But not before telling us that the most success the two ever had came from when they left the diabolical clutches of one Heartbreak Kid. Nash seems to be considering this. But never mind this - it's Stacy, digging through what appears to be her man Test's bag. And she's finding some stick-polishing accessories…and a copy of Torrie's Playboy. Man, that dude really doesn't know how to hide his magazines!

: Want to buy ME something? How about one of those Game Boy Advance SPs? Not because I deserve it, mind you, but because I asked! Does that actually ever work?

: THE WORLD'S MOST ANNOYING SONG: The "Take A Ride in a Ford" jingle for the local Ford dealership here. I swear, it even beats any Good Charlotte song I've ever heard in that department.

again: We get our first shot of the night of Coach and Lawler, as they debate the wankfest we just saw in the ring. And speaking of wank, here comes Test with his able ward Stacy. I gotta say, I'm down with valets and all that, but if all they do is just be pretty and stand around and often cost their wrestlers a match, why even bother have them come out? I think I just answered my own question. Anyway, here comes a clean shaven (thank God) Chris Jericho…curtain jerking? Geez, it's not like he's in the Raw main event match at Backlash or anything. Jericho takes Test to the corner and kicks and chokes away. Chops, but Test decides selling is for wieners and instead gives some chops of his own. Whip, reverse, Test blasts out with a Rock lariat and rams Jericho's head into the mat a few times. Jericho begs off and gets sent over the top, but skins the cat - and gets a gorilla press for his troubles. Test charges and hits his left shoulder into the post, to Stacy's…amusement, I guess. And into the post again. Jericho goes to work on the arm, while Stacy signs an autograph for some lucky dork, er, fan. Jericho offers himself up to Stacy, which leaves him open to a comeback from Test, but a armbar takedown ends that. Jericho tells Stacy to cut the crap, and slaps on a resthold. Lawler reminisces about his horrendous love life as Test powers out to absolutely no crowd reply and gets a sidewalk slam. Clothesline, shoulderblock, Test eats foot, but gets a tilt-a-whirl slam. Crowd yells TWOOOOO like a bunch of goons. Full nelson slam gets two. The announcers are talking entirely about Stacy and not this match. Jericho pulls a nice reversal out of a powerbomb and cheats, but only for two. Stacy puts on a show, and that gets the fans riled up. Jericho goes up, gets booted, pumphandle slam reversed into the Walls, but Test twists out and gets a charge. Pumphandle slam hits this time, but Jericho is on the ropes. Stacy does some ass wiggling again, and this time Test sees it. Jericho uses that opportunity to get the fake bulldog and Lionsault for the pin. Now, it's nice that Jericho could get the pin, but couldn't some midcarder have done it instead and saved Jericho for the second hour? Post match Test and Stacy have words, then Test slaps a not-fan in the face and smacks him around for fun. Oh, it's the guy Stacy signed an autograph for. Heel turn? I think so! And now let's cut to Bischoff to kill your will further. He says something about Austin that will undoubtedly lead to something stupid.

: Test does his best to prove that Stacy is still the apple of his eye, but when we get to the all-important breasts issue, Torrie takes the cake again. And now to the ring for Trish and face Ivory (that Tough Enough thing can carry you for a while, can't it?). Victoria (w/Stevie and Satan's Theme Song) come out, and her partner is (yet again) Jazz. This time Jazz is with fellow person of dark skin color Theodore Long. Replay of last week's ugly looking Stratusfaction. And we see that Trish and Jazz have the Issue in this match. Victoria and Ivory start, as Teddy Long comes in for commentary and Man-bashing. Powerslam by Victoria gets two, Ivory gets a rana and in comes Trish. Punches, Victoria sells goofily, Trish gets a bad rana of her own. Long says "playa" a lot. Whip, reverse, Trish gets a Thesz press and yells at Jazz, allowing Crazy Girl to get the advantage and tag Jazz in. Jazz gets that full nelsony submission thing and yells to nobody. Jazz misses a charge and Trish kicks away, and a dropkick thing looks ugly. Jazz gives a shot to Trish that looks awfully real. Splash hit knees, and in comes Ivory to the lack of approbation from the crowd. Double noggin knocker, faceplant by Ivory gets 2. Trish tags herself in and chops away. We get a Pier Six Brawl as Victoria and Ivory get sent outside, and Trish gets a top rope rana, but a rollup gets reversed and Jazz slaps on the Maple Leaf, into the STF for the tapout. That match was sloppilicious. And here comes Long into the ring to show off his newest protégé. Lawler tells us "that's what he brings to the table". Uh, nothing? And now it's Da Man on the phone, being told that somebody is here to meet him…and it's Goldust, doing his damned horrendous gimmick to make me sad. He's here to do some butt kissing and present a gift - a blonde wig! Goldust puts it on, and Goldberg looks unsurprisingly femmy. Wow, what a nice glimpse into the tender side of Goldberg. Ewww, did Goldust say he soiled his pants? Jesus, get him a new gimmick NOW. And next, a tag titles rematch, sans DQ!

: Great, the Real World goes to Cancun, goes feature length, and still manages to be as unsatisfying as the TV version of the Real World is simply to avoid the dreaded NC-17. And from that we go to Nash, brooding.

: Yes, Bischoff is still using Austin's theme. Yes, this is still going to make people change the channel. A little "fuck you" to the fans in Richmond AND the fans at home! Seriously, the only way I want this angle to continue is if the WWF promises, live on TV, that Austin will throw Bischoff in the ring, kick his ass, Stunner him from here to Tuscon, and send him off TV for the rest of our lives. But no, we get to see Bischoff shilling Austin T-shirts, and on ShopZone to boot. Thank goodness they're wasting valuable TV time with this. No, really, thank goodness - they could be showing way worse crap than this! Hey, a bottle of JR barbecue sauce, complete with tiny hat, with the order! And now here's Booker T for a little rebuttal. FIVE TIME DUBYA CEE DUBYA champ's got a good deal for the Bisch: Booker T vs Triple H, Wrestlemania rematch tonight! Yeah, good, watching Booker lose again would really put a capper on this abortion of a show. "SUCKAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" And here come the Likeliest Unlikely Duo to defend their belts…next.

: Champs come out first, because that tradition nonsense has been beaten into the ground anyway. If I was Rob Van Dam, I'd jump to TNA, money be damned, because I'd get a lighter schedule, be a bigger fish in a smaller pond, and my presence might (MIGHT) be enough to make TNA more of a contender. Of course, if I'm RVD, I'm also smoking lots of pot, so that actually sounds viable instead of really stupid. And here comes their opponents, One of the Only Three Tag Teams on Raw. Kane and RVD send their dastardly foes over the top, and we get some quality stalling to the dulcet sounds of the crowd chanting for RVD. ECW chant, because they will NEVER let it die. Lance talks trash to RVD, but he pulls out some fancypants acrobatics into a crossbody for 2. Spinning heel kick gets 2. Tag to Kane, who goes to work. Whip, clothesline, stomping. RVD has a huge bruise on his head from the Van Daminator he ate last week. Big boot, elbow misses, in comes Morley for double teaming, which of course backfires. Morley gets to eat a big clothesline in the corner too. Huge cheers for…something, I guess RVD mugging for the crowd? Whip, Morley boots Kane in the head, punches away, boot, fisherman's buster is reversed into a forward suplex, but Storm gets a dropkick from the top to put Kane down. Double team suplex works, for 2. Kane actually pulls the situp from mothballs, and RVD cheats and comes in with a legdrop to follow Kane's powerslam, for 2. Storm gets a jawbreaker and in comes Morley, but RVD pulls out a drop toehold and gets a suplex, blocked, spinning heel kick held, into a pinning predicament for 2. This action is moving pretty fast, making it hard to properly recap. Kicks in the corner for RVD, and Morley bridges to make it look more painful. Legdrop gets 2. Whip, rolling throw is countered into a Snake Eyes of sorts, and Morley boots away. Coach called Morley "Bischoff". At least he was talking about Bischoff's regime, so it looks less retarded. Storm tries to double team, but RVD fights back and gets the stepover kick for 2. Whip reversed, and Storm nails RVD with a trash can to let Morley get a DDT. Kane attacks Storm outside, and Morley foolishly chases and Kane makes him pay by way of step eating. Kane picks up the steps, and Storm nails him with the same trash can. And now let's have ourselves a commercial break, and Morley gets a 2 count to send us out. This has been a good match!

: Hi, welcome back. Coach and Lawler assure us that what we saw was pretty good, making me mad I didn't get to see it. RVD gets a double DDT on the bad guys, and in comes Kane to lay down some smack. Backdrop for Morley, sidewalk slam for Storm, and Kane gives them what for in both corners. Big ol' slam gets 2. Going up top, and here comes Air Kane, but Morley saves. RVD comes in to get him some, and gives Storm the rolling throw, then gets his half of Rolling Thundah. Storm gets gorilla pressed to the outside, onto Storm. Kane does a dipsy doodle whip to RVD, who comes barreling over the top onto the bad guys. And here comes a chokeslam…and here again comes Buh Buh to ruin a good match. Kane to the outside, Buh Buh Bomb for RVD. D-Von comes out to try to talk some sense, and Morley gets in his face. Chairshot for D-Von? No, Buh Buh grabs it, and Morley asks for it back, but when he gets it the Van Daminator hits! RVD sent to the outside by Storm, who gets in just to eat the chokeslam from Storm. Into the corner…and will we see it? Points To Self, and yes, the Van Terminator! That is rather obviously the finish, and the champs retain in a heck of a television match. 15 minutes of good back and forth action - almost enough to make you forget the crappiness of this show!

: And here's HHH and Bischoff to let us remember the crappiness of this show. Oh, here's Hurricane to play Exposition Guy and give us his lone, goofy catchphrase. HHH gives him crap, and Hurricane tells us he stand for truth and justice, BIATCH. HHH is even verbally burying these guys! All of this leads to a Booker/Helms vs HHH/Flair match, with a World Title shot in the balance for Booker T. Flair gives us a reminder of his greatness, but Hurricane interrupts and "flies" off. Well, they're sorta trying with Hurricane, sorta. Next: bring back "Sugar" Shane Helms!

: This Leafs/Flyers OT game is bound to be more engrossing than Raw, but I will force myself not to watch for you, the readers of this word vomit I call a recap. Hey, Elliot Sadler, here to show his support. Isn't that the guy that was on TNA? [That's Hermie, his brother - must be sibling rivalary - tcf] We get to see the APA with the troops, which allows me to flip to the game quickly. I'm down with the troops, don't get me wrong, but I saw this last week, so you know.

: And the fans get screwed AGAIN, as the Rock comes in via video to talk about Goldberg. Rock says "West Virginia", starting off the awesome right quick. This is rather obviously pre-taped, but who cares. He isn't here because he had to get himself a brand new (crappy looking) guitar! An Elvis pie-eating guitar, no less. And the Rock tells us that he said no to Goldberg because, as he'd stated two weeks ago, he has nothing left to prove in the world of wrestling (true), and certainly not because he's afraid of Goldberg! Rock tells us that he's whupped more ass than he's been beat, which I find a little dubious. We get that Goldberg impression again to put a smile on my face. And the Rock manages to talk himself into the match, so in love with himself is he. Rock calls him "whisker biscuit", and we're out. We got ourselves a big match for Backlash! And it's only two weeks away!

: I wonder how many environments they can find for the Divas before they start doing crap like "Divas In A Cafeteria" or whatever. And now here's Christian "talking" to Rock about next week's Rock concert (which I missed Rock mention) and about Christian's upcoming match with the former Dustin Rhodes. Christian's assertion that Goldberg's spear didn't hurt is pretty amusing. And here comes Goldust, and I await the inevitable "Goldust spazzes out and loses the match as a result" finish. And here's Chris Chun for this one on one match. Shoulderblock, Christian gets caught with an atomic drop and clothesline for 2. Goldust gets the slide into shot to the face and sends Christian over the top. He goes for a chair early, but slides in and gets beat on. A ballshot turns the tide…and ends the match? That was, for lack of a better word, lame. Well, I was wrong about Goldust's "condition" screwing him over. Christian nails Goldust with a chair, and grabs a mic to tell the Rock that he owns the room (like Jessica Lockhart) and call out Goldberg (like a moron). A fan's sign actually mentions Gillberg, letting us know that even the most peripheral character from the WWF's glory period can be remembered. Christian, for his stupidity, gets the spear-Jackhammer combination. Man, they're not even putting the sacrificial lambs in matches! The new Goldberg shirt, by the way, sucks. The replay shows us that Goldberg, out of habit, hooked Christian's leg briefly, which makes me think that maybe he hasn't forgotten all those sacrificial lambs either. And next…a debate? Oh my, this is going to be ugly.

: Okay. I know that none of you really care about this. I know for a fact that I don't care about this. So instead I am going to watch hockey and you all can read another recap if you want to know about this. Go ahead, I don't mind. Just for the record, what Nowinski's saying, no matter how obnoxious he's saying it, is for the most part correct, if a bit simplified.

: Oh man, Alex Mogilny just got MURDERIZED and looks pretty woozy. Damn that hard hitting hockey!

: Okay, one remark: they brought out the red canvas for THIS?

: Toronto wins on an overtime goal…but was it a Pyrrhic victory? Tune in to Game 4 to find out!

: Evil Canadian time, and this should take us into the main event. Why are they giving this less time than the tag titles match? We get a breakdown of the matches we have for Backlash so far. And now here comes the champ, with Ric Flair in his awesome robe to prove that he is still the greatest ever. If only they were coming out to 2001 - I'd even let HHH desecrating it with his presence slide. Jericho is watching backstage, giving us "peeved". And Nash is watching too, giving us "duh". And how about a commercial break to make the match EVEN SHORTER?????

: If this is going to be a short ass match, at least make it an entertaining brawl instead of trying to wrestle and crap. Flair gets to start, and I weep for his thinning hair. Flair slaps on a headlock, criss cross sequence, armdrag for Flair. Whip, something gets botched, Booker gets a clothesline, and Flair begs off with a "whoo" for fun. Chops by the master, Booker gets his own. Into the corner, Booker eats an elbow, and Flair goes up top to get thrown off because it wouldn't be a Flair match without him doing that. HHH comes in and gets spinebustered for 2, and Hurricane comes in and gets a shoulder chop. Whip reversed, tilt-a-whirl rana by Hurricane, shot for Flair, leg lariat to HHH for 2. HHH gets a spinebuster of his own and tags in Flair. Dual chops from Flair and Fake Flair. HHH back in, two count. In the corner, punches, stomps on Hurricane, mocking of Booker's stare at the hand thing. This match has slowed quite considerably. Hurricane gets a side Russian legsweep and we get dual tags to Flair and Booker. Chops by Flair, chops by Booker. They are LAYING into each other. I guess Canadians don't have the market cornered on those? HHH comes in and gets nailed, Flair gets nailed, HHH eats a kick. Flair cheats to come back, and gets a high kick for his troubles. Coach is not so good at calling moves. Facebuster on Booker, Hurricane tags himself in and gets a top rope dropkick on HHH and the MUTOH KICK to Flair for 2. Booker takes HHH over, and Hurricane comes up top but gets crotched. Whoo from Flair, but premature celebration never works, and Booker gets the axe kick and breakdances, but HHH pulls him out and they duke it out. Hurricane goes up top for whatever, but Flair wisely just drops down and Helms hits the mat. Hebner goes flying off the apron to stop a HHH chairshot, as in the ring Flair takes Helms to school…and here's HBK with Sweet Chin Music! And we have a pinfall! Booker will get a title shot for doing nothing! HBK and HHH are duking it out - Jericho in now! Pedigree for Helms, that dirty lousy midcarder! Backbreaker to HBK! And here comes HHH with the Peter Gabriel Song…and here comes Nash! Very, very slowly! How about ANOTHER goddamn fucking stupid ass retarded staredown! Nash snatches the sledgehammer away, HHH begs off saying something nasty, and…he nailed Booker T on accident! Booker nailed HBK on…accident? Shit, who knows with this damn feud. All I know is that somehow Booker T is going to get dicked over by this, because, well, he's Booker T. And yes, Booker T is still facing HHH next week on Raw. Will he win and send me off on a happy note? Rather than speculate and depress myself, I'll just say see you next week!

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