ECW on Sci Fi by Tom Feely - 08/08/06 by Tom Feely
Yes, I, Tom "Chris" Feely, am back. And I'm better than ever. I'd like to dedicate this recap to The Cubs Fan and his fine website, my girl Ashley Massaro (\m/ \m/), and uh, I don't know, that kid in JCPenney's who kept yelling "UNDERTAKER! MUY FEO!" and rolling his eyes into the back of his head. Oh, and as for the question on everyone's mind, that being "Why?", I reply "I don't know. Why not?"
Oh no where's my ratings box
Last week, Mike Knox and Test vs. Tommy Dreamer and the Sandman! Caning, spanking, barbed wire boards. Tommy Dreamer's screams sound like Triple H's dying seagulls. Oh no, Test with the...Tommy Killing Operation. (You do better.)
hey yo it's my life my time, oh, wait. LETHE BODIES HITHER FLOW
We are LIVE!!!!!!! from beautiful Nashville, Tennessee! Your announcers, TAZZ and A J. STYLES!
TONIGHT!: A #1 Contender's match between "the Homicidal, Suicidal, Genocidal" Sabu and "Just Suspended, Heart Distended, Neck Needs To Be Mended" Kurt Angle!
BUT FIRST!
MIKE KNOX (w/Kelly Kelly, 260, Phoenix, AZ) vs. TOMMY DREAMER (265, Yonkers, NY)
Kelly waves to the crowd, Knox accosts her, she...attempts to look sad, stops, and then does it again. This happens three times in the short walk to the ring because Kelly just can't resist showing everyone her hot palm. She also does the Stacy walk into the ring. Dreamer's limping and has bandages all over his body. The announcers talk about how Heyman ordered Dreamer to compete even though he wasn't ready to wrestle. And again, Dreamer hasn't had time to put on his gear. Oh, wait, that is his gear. As Dreamer ducks to step over the ropes, here's Knox with a clubbing right, stomp, clubbing right, right, right, right. Kneedrop, kneedrop, kneedrop, kneedrop, kneedrop. Will we see the EXTREME repetitive bodyslams? Irish whip by Knox, but he puts the head down too soon and there's a swinging neckbreaker by Dreamer. Dreamer off the ropes, Cactus clothesline! Irish whip into the steel steps. EXTREME! Replay of that as Dreamer pulls Knox by the hair up onto the apron. Shoulder to the gut by Knox, second one...apparently hits knee as the camera was at a bad angle. Dreamer turns Knox face up so Knox can suspend himself between the second and third ropes, second rope elbowdrop by Dreamer! POSE AND YELLING! Dreamer setting up for...something, and here's PAUL HEYMAN on the apron to distract the ref. Dreamer setting up for the DDT, Knox tries to reverse, a clothesline gets ducked, KICK WHAM DDT by Dreamer. Heyman's security guards pull Dreamer out of the ring, some stomps, and man, they just bash him with those nightsticks. Dreamer thrown back in, and there's the Shades of Luther Reigns. Kelly badly counts along with the three-count, once again showing her lack of rhythm. (02'24")
Heyman and the security are now in the ring, the latter with their nightsticks drawn. Dreamer backs into the corner and he gets sized up, but OH NO! ENTER RIPOFF OF TWISTED TRANSISTOR! THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE MAN! Yes, the camera searches the crowd, and there, next to an elated young child, is THE SANDMAN. As he walks down the steps towards the ring (and the kid follows him, awesome), we now take some EXTREME
commercials -- you know what would be extreme? If Snakes On A Plane had CHUCK NORRIS in it. That's be even more amazing. He would totally KICK THE SNAKES TO DEATH and the snakes would be like "I've had it with thissssss motherfucking Chuck Norrisssss on thisssss motherfucking plane!"
AND WE'RE BACK! with Sandman facing off against four men. Heyman's got a mic! "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sandman, now listen to me. I know that you're upset about Tommy, and, Sandman, I'm upset about Tommy too. I mean, that man, that man right there is a disciple of mine. I love him, I love Tommy Dreamer like he were my own son. [refs are attending to Tommy] Now, I was, I was gonna order a return match from last week tonight, but I can't in good conscience put Tommy Dreamer in a match, look, look at the condition he's in, referees, referees -- take Mr. Dreamer and get him some medical attention right now, he needs medical attention." Sandman continues to badly act in showing concern as Tazz wonders aloud if Heyman is suddenly "belevenent". "Now, now Sandman. ECW promised these people a match tonight, and you know ECW always lives up to its promises, and they're gonna get a great one, because tonight, you're not only gonna take Tommy Dreamer's place because tonight it will be the SANDMAN against MIKE KNOX AND TEST in a HANDICAP MATCH." Sandman does anger worse than concern. "Now don't worry, don't worry, this won't be under Extreme Rules, which means of course, the Singapore Cane is not legal. RING THE BELL THE MATCH IS ON!"
INITIAL THOUGHT!: Oh, that's good, they're at least explaining why a match isn't Extreme Rules for once. Oh, wait, what's preventing Sandman from just caning someone and ending the match, then?
THE SANDMAN (unnanounced) vs. MIKE KNOX and TEST (also unannounced)
Heyman and security leave the ring. Sandman still has the cane as we show Tommy being taken out by refs. And here's Tommy being taken out by an entering Test's boot to the head. Sandman is surrounded, looks both ways, and swings at Knox with the cane. Knox ducks, Sandman hits nothing but the turnbuckle and turns around into a Test clothesline. Test with stomps, Knox with clubbing rights. And now mixing things up with Test rights and Knox stomps. Sandman stood up in the corner, alternating rights from Knox and Test. Double irish whip, Test charges and Sandman ducks his clothesline. Dropkick by Sandman onto Knox, and that move is quickly becoming the Eugene Airplane Spin Memorial "Move That The Announcers Always Say WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME WE SAW THAT When We In Fact See It Every Week." Left to Test, left, left, mounting Test in the corner but here's Knox with -- c'mon, guess -- CLUBBING RIGHTS! Both men stomping away, Knox picks him up, YES BODYSLAM. Test with an elbowdrop, Knox with an elbowdrop. Test up top, GARRISON CADE ELBOW MISSES! Knox tries to pounce on Sandman but gets kicked off, and Sandman grabs his cane from the corner. WHACK to Test, and there's a DQ at (02'01"). So, to answer my earlier question, absolutely nothing. Cane to Knox, cane to Test, cane to Knox. YELLING! PLAY HIS MUSIC! Kelly consoles Knox as Sandman poses on the turnbuckles. We cut to--
A SHOT OF A RISING SUN IN A RED SKY OH NO KENZO SUZUKI IS COMING HORRIBLE FLASHBACKS oh wait it's just a Sabu highlight package. With all sorts of classic ECW clips from this year's One Night Stand and Monday Night Raw a few weeks ago.
TWO WEEKS AGO!: Sabu attacked Big Show with a chair.
LAST WEEK!: Sabu attacked Big Show with a chair. AND, and and and, put him through a table.
Sabu...talks. "I'm Sabu. I've been demanding a title shot against the Big Show. He's been avoiding me. Kurt Angle, after I beat you, I'll get what I want." Yes, that is...an accurate matter of fact statement about what has happened in the past few weeks as well as the present.
TONIGHT!: SABU VS. KURT ANGLE!
commercials -- You know what would be extreme? They should take Girls Gone Wild to a more literal level, and have them, like, chasing down an antelope and taking it down by the neck with their teeth. And they can still be naked, I guess. HOT.
"My name is BALLS MAHONEY and I love being in ECW. Everything here is just a little more extreme. Balls to the wall, you might say. And best of all, I'm the one dishing out all the punishment. So you see, this way, I can still stay handsome! Then again, maybe NOT. [sticks tongue out, makes \m/]"
Here's a shot of a full moon over Nashville, which means...
KEVIN THORN (w/Ariel, 270, Parts Unknown I guess?) vs. AL SNOW (w/o Head, 238, Lima, OH)
Ariel does her handstand rope separating thing and disrobes Thorn off his sleeveless jacket to reveal...tights shaped like a sleeveless jacket. Nicely done. WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT? NECK! As Snow walks up the steps, Ariel confuses him by writhing on the apron. Thorn tries to charge Snow, but gets punched twice in the face. Snow steps into the ring, right, right, go behind and takedown for two. Right, right knocks Thorn into the corner, Thorn with a kick to the gut, right, right, Snow right, now just trading them until Snow gets a knee to the stomach. Snow with an irish whip, reversed, and followed up with a hard clothesline. Thorn takes Snow up over one shoulder, and...drops down to work over the ribs. Thorn off the ropes...charging headbutt to the chest. SHADES OF E. HONDA! Stomp, stomp, stomp as we replay the headbutt. Thorn takes Snow up, bodyslam. And now he's going over to Ariel, who comes up on the apron, and they, touch each other a bit while reciting HIM lyrics into each other's ears or something. Snow uses the opportunity to hit a kick, right, right, but Thorns stops it with a kick in the corner, kick, elbow, elbow, kick, kick, right, irish whip, Snow bounces out, and here's a fireman's carry. He puts Snow's legs on the top rope, and as he hangs there, STUNNER! What a finisher! Oh, wait, he's going over to Ariel again. Some more writhing and necking, yep. Snow slowly getting up and gets stomped in the head. Right brings Snow to his knees again, kicks him down. And here's the crucifix....bomb. That'll do it. 1, 2, 3. (02'51") Ariel just kind of sluts it up and shows some panty on the mat until Thorn grabs her by the neck. She yells at Snow, and then they make out. Oh, wait, he's just putting his face in her tits. Okay. As Thorn leaves, we cut to--
a video package for the NEW Kurt Angle! Oldest clip here seems to be him randomly suplexing Lita, everything else is from his ECW run.
And hey, here's the man himself. "Suicidal, homicidal, genocidal. I've heard a lot about Sabu. But tonight, for the first time in his life, Sabu's gonna find out that the only thing truly suicidal is stepping in the ring with the WRESTLING -- MACHINE."
LETHE BODIES HITHER FLOW TONIGHT SABU ANGLE
EXPERIENCE ECW FOR YOURSELF SEE YOUR FAVORITE EXTREME EXTREMISTS NEW BREED UNLEASHED LIVE AND EXTREME
commercials -- you know what would be extreme? If CM Punk came to the ring with a midget -- 120 CM Punk.
Oh god it's you, I never thought I'd have to recap you again. Even if your new curly hair makes you look like a dreamy lead singer for some band I can't currently place. "Good evening, I'm RENE DUPREE. [French] Soon to be, the most extreme athlete in the HISTORY of ECW."
Well, it's the BIG SHOW, looking damn good in a suit. He has a mic! "Now I know what you're thinking." Damn that man looks good in a suit? "You're thinking, woo, the ECW champion has never looked so good." HE KNEW! "And you're right. You see, normally when you think about ECW, you think about blood and guts and the derelicts of society. See, I'm here to change that. I'm here to add a little dignity -- a little CLASS to the ECW brand. See, I'm the most dominant champion in ECW history. And if anyone has a problem with that, they better just face reality -- there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Now as far as Kurt Angle goes, the Olympic Medalist Kurt Angle, Kurt Angle if you get in my path, I will crush your spine like I crush crackers for my soup." Yeah, CHUNKY Soup. ZING! "And Sabu, Sabu -- the HOMICIDAL, SUICIDAL, GENOCIDAL Sabu -- Sabu, if you step in my path, that's exactly what you're gonna do -- commit suicide. I mean, let's face it -- there's only one extreme truth in this world." SA-BU chants. "Okay, LIKE I SAID, there's only ONE extreme truth in this world. NO ONE CAN BEAT ME. AND I MEAN NO ONE." So who's going to interrupt this? Ah, there's the music of...oh, the Big Show. Alright, he's leaving, and we cut to--
TONIGHT SABU ANGLE WINNER WILL FACE BIG SHOW
commercials -- you know what would be extreme? If Kelly Kelly was instead Kelly Kelly Kelly, a white supremacist-slash-exhibitionist. C'mon, like you don't want to see her fumble to take off her hood.
LAST WEEK!: CM Punk debuted and defeated credible former ECW Champion Justin Credible
And here he is! The camera is extremely close up, and annoyingly keeps moving so his whole face is never on screen at any one time. "Last week, I was welcomed into the ECW family far greater than I was ever welcomed into my own. And for that, to the fans, I thank you. All my years of training, all the sparring, the hoping, the wanting, the craving for me to get my one opportunity, my one shot, all came to a head. All the years of struggle and sacrifice, well, a very wise man once said -- 'The longer we dwell on our misfortune, the greater their power is to harm us.' So from here on out, it's no longer about the price I paid to get here. It's about the future and what it holds. Next week, right here on ECW, I get to wrestle for the second time. I WILL make the most of it. I have to. It's my nature. My name -- is C. M. PUNK." Thursdays on NBC, before the Office!
KURT ANGLE (no weight/home announced) vs. SABU (ditto) in a #1 Contender's Match
During Angle's entrance they cut to the 5 people trying to chant "E-C-DUB" in rhythm with Angle's music. We get the boxing-style intros. Sabu goes for the legs but Angle dodges. Angle does the same, but catches Sabu and paintbrushes him in the head before slapping on a headlock and grapevining a leg. Sabu gets his foot on the rope, but referee Mickey Henson hilariously is not looking in that direction for a good five seconds, even as Sabu points to the foot with his hand. Angle breaks at 4, both men up and circling. Collar and elbow, Angle with a headlock takeover and has the headlock on the mat. Now standing, Sabu throws Angle into the ropes, but Angle shoulderblocks him down. Angle off the ropes, Sabu goes under and hits a drop toe hold on the way back, over into a front headlock. Standing now, and Angle picks Sabu up and rams him back first into the corner. European uppercut, kick, kick, taking him by the head and ramming him into the turnbuckle. Irish whip, Angle charge missed and his shoulder goes right into the ringpost. Sabu with a point to the sky and punches Angle against the ropes. Irish whip, reversed, Sabu holds on. Angle charges, Sabu ducks and back body drops him to the outside. And at (02'32"), we cut to--
commercials -- you know what would be extreme? If Rob Van Dam came back as ROB - VAN - HELSING, here to cleanse ECW of vampires such as Kevin Thorn and David Heath or should I say Gangrel. His finisher could even be the one-and-a-half star frog splash. Because, you see, the movie was very poorly received. (joint credit to myself and Justin Shapiro)
We come back to Angle having Sabu in a variation of the Camel Clutch. SHADES OF SABU! Sabu stands it up, elbow, elbow, but Angle clubs him down. Sabu up, Angle irish whips him, Sabu ducks a clothesline and springboards off the second rope with...a tornado DDT! Neat. Slow to cover, two count. Sabu with an...armbar? Okay. Angle gets a headscissor from that, but Sabu gets the ropes. Sabu up quick, stomp, stomp, Angle backs into the corner, more stomps and a choke. Ref breaks it, and Sabu gives Angle some more rights. Another choke and a right, Angle now up against the ropes. Right, irish whip reversed, and there's an Angle belly to belly. Pose, "COME ON!" Kick to the ribs, by Angle, and now stomps. Choking him with his boot, and now kicking Sabu out of the ring. Angle goes out himself, and there's a sweet fireman's carry on the outside. Sabu thrown back in, Angle quickly covers for two. Another cover, another two, and now Angle puts on a rear chinlock with a bodyscissors. Angle lets go of the chinlock to grind Sabu's face with his forearm, and now they're sitting up. Sabu alternates elbows to Angle's face, but Angle gives up the grapevine only to put the chinlock back on. Standing up, and now he knees Sabu down. Picking him up by the hair, european uppercut into the corner. Irish whip, avalanche reversed, Sabu with a...springboard wheel kick that barely connects. On the apron, SOMERSAULT LEGDROP back in that crushes Kurt Angle's face. Cover, two. Angle gets up and goes for the corner as Sabu lays in rights. Irish whip, Sabu charges...right into Angle's boot. Angle with a european uppercut, irish whip reversed, Sabu with a spin kick. Both men down, Sabu slowly over and covers for two. Pulls him up, whip to the corner reversed but Sabu holds on, Sabu clothesline ducked under by Angle who turns it into a German. Not letting go, and the second one is just a big release German that Sabu flips over on. Cover, but Sabu gets his foot on the rope. Uh oh, the straps are down. ANGLE SLAM? No, reversed into an arm drag. Angle charges, but Sabu hits a dropkick. Angle sits up, Sabu springboards off the second rope with...kind of another wheel kick to hit Angle in the chops for two. Sabu tries the Camel Clutch, but...NO! Angle grabs a leg and heeeere's the Ankle Lock. Whoops, Sabu somersaults and flips Angle out of the ring. Sabu showing pain, but not for long as THERE HE GOES with a somersault plancha that only kind of hits. Ow. Angle looks quite pained, and Sabu throws him back in. Sabu up top, flying splash with rotation in mid air! Cover, two. And now Sabu...puts on a cross armbreaker? Uh oh, Angle gets the leg again, and here's the Ankle Lock, now in the middle of the ring. And here's...ROB VAN DAM? Throws the chair at Angle, who catches it, uh oh, VAN...Daminator? RVD mostly whiffs and Angle doesn't knock the chair into his own head to make a noise or anything. Plus the camera was at the worst possible angle for this. Angle sells anyway, and RVD compensates by legdropping the chair onto Angle's face. Sabu has sat himself up in a corner, and RVD checks on him. RVD does the Sheik pose, and...running dropkicks the chair into Sabu's face! POINTS - TO - SELF! Replays of the legdrop and the dropkick. Play...ECW's music? Okay. RVD poses on the turnbuckles and talks trash to both fallen men as we fade to black.
Well, okay. You know, I was intending to do this every week, but after this week's show, I think not. And you know why? NO SHANNON MOORE VIGNETTE! Sorry everyone, you only have WWE to blame.