WWE SmackDown! - 08/28/04
by Tom Feely

Well, here we go. I'll try not to cry. Key word "try".

TV PG D L V W W E

Last week, Kurt Angle poured paint on Eddy Guerrero's low rider. This week, there was an overly dramatic opening video package recapping that.

hey yo it's my life my time my uh last recap

We aren't LIVE from beautiful Fresno, California! Your announcers are, once again, MC MICHAEL COLE and TAZIZZLE!

TONIGHT!: Match 2 of the Booker/Cena best of 5!

But first, here's EDDY GUERRERO! I heard he lies, cheats, and steals. Actually, I'm hearing it right now. Oh no, it was regular household latex paint. Gasp. EDDY EDDY EDDY EDDY "QUEUNDA MI RASA! QUEUNDA WHAT'S UP FRESNO! Orale vatos locos man, let's make ths real simple. Kurt Angle, last week you got a can of paint and you ruined my low rider, esse. You DEFACED my personal property, just like I'm gonna deface YOU tonight. Make no mistake about it, esse, I don't wanna wrestle you. I wanna fight YOU, esse. [stuff in Spanish] So let's stop wasting ANY time, get your (ass) out here RIGHT NOW!" Here's Angle's music, but wait, that's LUTHER REIGNS. "Well well well. Eddy Guerrero. Mr. vato loco wants to fight." "THAT'S RIGHT, ESSE VATO." "Well be careful what you wish for, Eddy. Because I've seen a lot of fights in my lifetime. Prison fights. Street fights. Bar fights. If there's one thing I know about, Eddy, it's fighting. So believe me when I say this, Guerrero, if Kurt Angle was to step into that ring with you right now, he wouldn't just beat you, he'd ANNIHILATE you." "Is that right? Well I'll tell you what. Why don't you just get Kurt Angle out here, and we'll see who annihilates who." "EDDY. EDDY." Why, that's KURT ANGLE on the TitanTron. "You wanna fight? I'm standin' right here. Let's take it to the parking lot. RIGHT NOW." Eddy runs backstage, to said parking lot. Angle takes off his jacket, and here's Eddy. Angle flees to where some cars are parked, and Eddy chases Angle around one. "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY CAR! THIS IS MY CAR!" Eddy pours trash on the car and chases Kurt with a lead pipe, I'm not gonna transcribe every minor thing here. Eddy smashes the car's window, then another. Here's Luther to attack Eddy and throw him into the windshield, then they drive off in the Luthermobile. "YOU WANNA GO HOME, ALRIGHT." He takes the pipe to the car some more, but wait, here's THEODORE R. LONG. "STOP IT, EDDY! STOP IT! What do you think you're doing? Stop it, Eddy! Stop it!" "Take it easy, take it easy, I'm just DETAILING Kurt Angle's car, homes." "What?" "Ya heard me, I'm detailing his car." "EDDY! This car does not belong to Kurt Angle." "Nonononono, see, Kurt told me it belongs to him, I mean, wait wait--" "I don't care WHAT Kurt Angle told you--" "Wait, wait, if this doesn't belong to Kurt, who does it belong to?" "Eddy. You see this car? This car--belongs to ME." "Nonononono, this doesn't belong to you, homes. This is Kurt Angle's--" Long stops Eddy from taking the pipe to the car again "EDDY! STOP IT! It's like I said, this car does not belong to Kurt Angle. One more time, this car belongs to ME. Now Eddy, there's no reason for the way you've acted here tonight. SECURITY, remove this man from the building." There's lots of yelling as they do so. Peanuthead badly acts: "WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO MY CAR? THIS IS A NINETEEN...OH, OH MY GOD, this is my car, look at it, the windows are broken out, everything, this is my car, this is a 1989..."

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SLAM OF THE WEEK: Suzuki ambushes RVD last week

ROB VAN DAM (230, Battle Creek, MI) vs. KENZO SUZUKI (w/Hiroko, unannounced)
Oh shit awesome pre-taped Kenzo promo beforehand. HE SPEAKS: "Tonight, I face Rob Van Dam, a man who I saw drive a Japanese car. [look of disgust] He should be driving a car made in the best country in the world, AMERICA. My name is Kenzo Suzuki, I rove AMERICA! [smile]" So awesome.

RVD kicks Suzuki off of that platform he comes out of to start, then backflips off and takes out some of the guys that carry it. RVD throws Suzuki in and takes out the other two. RVD rolls in and gets hit with a flying shoulderblock as the bell rings. Suzuki in the cornr, chop, chop, chop. Man, his chops have gotten pretty decent to good. Head to the turnbuckle, kick to the side. Stands him up, chop, irish whip, back elbow. Cole is calling Suzuki's translator "Hiroku" now too, so maybe that's changed. Tazz has pull, he threatened management with all sorts of fake submissions. Picks RVD up, but RVD gets a right, right, right, off the ropes, Suzuki with a knee to the gut. Suzuki gets an abdominal stretch! RVD punches out, hiptoss reversed, Suzuki kicks RVD in the gut. Head to the turnbuckle, blocked, RVD kicks Suzuki in the face. Both men up, Suzuki right blocked, RVD with a right, right, right, off the second rope, backwards thrust kick. RVD with a forearm, irish whip to the corner reversed, Suzuki charges into an elbow. RVD up top, thrust kick to the face! Only gets two. Suzuki up in the corner, RVD with a right, shoulder, shoulder, backflip, Suzuki clothesline ducked and RVD bodyslams him. He's in position, split legged moonsault! Again, only two. Irish whip, Suzuki holds on, clothesline ducked, waistlock, reversed, german suplex blocked, RVD elbows him in the head. RVD kick gets caught, so of course he just hits the spinkick. RVD up top, and...he planchas RENE DUPREE, who ran out just in time to get plancha'd. RVD slides in, Suzuki kicks him in the head. Picks him up, faceclaw, STO? No, RVD small packages him for three at (03'26")! Dupree runs in, RVD takes over, but Suzuki ambushes him and they both stomp away. Dupree chases off the ref and then holds RVD for some chops, which don't look as good as before. Rene Dupree makes everything suck. Setting him up, double brainbuster! Dupree bows to Suzuki, who returns it. Suzuki unfortunately does not do the French Tickler. Suzuki's gotten better, but he's still pretty god-awful.

Back to Peanuthead, lamenting his car. "Look at my car! What have they done to my car? This is all I got. All I got. Look at my car! The glass is just falling, it's broken, my seats have got glass all over it, I can't sit in and drive this car like this, I'd cut myself to death! Look at this...the top's not too bad, if I just clean the top off...oh my god, this is a classic, this is my Signature Gold Series, this is a Lincoln towncar! They don't make 'em like this anymore!" Why, who just pulled up in that limo? It's JOHN BRAD$HAW LAYFIELD with NECK HALO and COWBOY HAT (and Orlando Jordan). "Theodore!" "What do you want?" "I don't know who the hell you think you are, but you don't answer MY phone calls?" "We been callin' you all week!" "You don't return MY e-mails? We had to come all the way out here--where are we?" "Fresno." "Fres--Fresno?" "Yeah, I know." "Just to talk to you face to face. Now I demand, I demand you tell me what you're gonna do about the Undertaker, I oughta sue you for an unsafe working environment. He is a criminal and a menace. Lookit what he did to me last week, chasin' me around, I could be hurt!" "So you gotta problem because you stepped in the ring with the Undertaker and you got a beatdown? Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. You wanna finish this business with the Undertaker, then we'll do it right here tonight. But the way we gonna do it, is we'll do it with a title defense, and what that means is your WWE title will be on the line TONIGHT." "He's hurt, he can't do that!" "I can't do that! I haven't been cleared by the medical doctors!" "He's got doctor's notes!" "I'm injured! These people right here in--" "Fresno." "Fresno, they don't wanna see a champion that isn't up to par, that in't fair!" "Hey, I'll tell both of you what's fair. What's fair is you defending the WWE title. If you can't defend it, then I guess...your Chief of Staff, Orlando Jordan, will have to defend it for you." "You gotta be kidding me!" "Whaddya mean?" "You can't do that." "That's not my title!" "Hey, it's real simple. If Orlando wins, you keep the belt. If Orlando loses, you lose the belt. That's the way it goes, playa." "That's not fair! He can't do that!" "Ohoh by the way, there's one other thing, Orlando, you opponent tonight will be none other than the UNDERTAKER." "What! What're you gonna do? You can't lose my title! This isn't fair! No! No! No! What's wrong with him?"

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SMACK OF THE NIGHT: Chavo and Noble get a non-title victory last week

CHAVO GUERRERO (w/Jamie Noble, 213, El Paso, TX) vs. WWE Tag Team Champion BILLY KIDMAN (w/WWE Tag Team Champion Paul London, 215, Allentown, PA)
Circle, lockup. Kidman with a waistlock, Chavo reverses and goes to a headlock. Kidman takes it to a hammerlock, Chavo reverses to one of his own and Kidman snapmares out. Chavo clothesline ducked, Kidman off the ropes with a rana. Headlock takeover, and holds the headlock on the ground. Standing, Chavo gets him into the corner and elbows out. Kick to the gut, right, irish whip reversed. Kidman charges, Chavo back body drops him onto the apron. Chavo right blocked, Kidman right, Kidman slingshots in with a headscissors. Noble on the apron to distract Kidman. Chavo kicks Kidman in the gut and throws him shoulder-first into the corner. Stomps the arm, now pulling on it with the bottom rope in Kidman's armpit. Stomp, cover for one. Kick to the shoulder, soccer kick to it now. Chickenwing on the injured left arm. Kidman stands up and kicks out then armdrags him over but hurts the arm in the process. Kick to the gut, kick to the gut, right forearm, off the ropes, flying right forearm. Chavo charges and Kidman back body drops him. Off the ropes, clothesline for two. Headlock, but Chavo cranks on the left arm and armbars him down for two. Soccer kick to the shoulder, up, armwringer again. Back suplex, Kidman backflips out and tries the BK Bomb, but no go thanks to the arm. Chavo kicks him in the arm but comes off the ropes into a dropkick. Kidman drags him into place, goes up top but Noble trips him behind the ref's back. So London runs up the steps and takes him out with a somersault plancha. Sweet. Chavo grabs London's hair, and London soccer kicks him in the face. Kidman recovers himself, OHHHHH nasty Shooting Star Press for three at (04'25"). Chavo is lying there in a not good-looking way. Replay shows Kidman's right knee landing directly on Chavo's face in a very vicious way. And to add to it, when Kidman hooks the leg, Chavo doesn't really bend. Ow.

LATER TONIGHT! Taker vs. OJ in a surrogate defense of the WWE title. Hahaha JBL has a match graphic with the neck halo and cowboy hat.

MILLION DOLLAR TOUGH ENOUGH COMING THIS FALL TO SMACKDOWN

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Some Hispanic dude with a fro is walking around, checking out a mami. "You know what cool is? You're lookin' at it." He bites an apple from a stand at a dock. "Cool is what you make it. He puts it back, knocking some fruit over in the process to the distress of the elderly stand owner. "And there's no cool like Caribbean cool." He takes another apple and another bite. "But some people...don't want to be cool. Like this guy." He spits in the stand owner's face "And I spit in the face of people who don't want to be cool. [Spanish] So when I come to the WWE, you BETTER be cool. Cool like me, Carlito. Caribbean. Cool." CARLITO CARIBBEAN COOL IS COMING

Peanuthead is getting his busted car towed. "Take it easy, take your time,alright? Don't hurt this car." The Luthermobile drives up and honks at Long. Angle and Luther get out. "What do you two want?" "What happened here?" "Hey, don't you try to play the playa. You know what happened here tonight, you set the whole damn thing up, didn't you?" "Alright, alright, I set it up, okay? But c'mon, look at the car. I mean, it's a piece of junk. Some lowlife crew member from, from the WWE probably owned it. Who cares?" "Lemme explain something to you. I care. Kurt, this car does not belong to a crewperson. Well, who does it belong to, Teddy?" "The name is Theodore. And one other thing you need to know, this car belongs to ME." Luther's like ohhhhh shit. "I didn't know. I'm sorry." "You know somethin', Kurt? You're gonna pay for it. And the way you're gonna pay for it, you're gonna pay for it NEXT WEEK, right here on SmackDown, I'm puttin' you in a match, two outta three falls. And you know who your opponent's gonna be, Kurt? Huh? None other than EDDY GUERRERO." "Eddy Guerrero? Two outta three? Are you kidding me?" "No, I'm dead serious." "COME ON." "And you know somethin' else? You look, HEY-wait just a minute, you lookin' all hard here tonight, like you want some action, well I'ma give you some action here tonight, I'm gonna put you in a match tonight with REY MYSTERIO, how bout that Kurt?" "This is unfair. This is completely unfair." "Nothing's unfair, that's just the way it's gonna be. Alright?" Long stops Luther "Hey, where do you think you're going?" "I'm goin' to help Kurt get ready for his match." "I don't think it's gonna go down like that, you know somethin' playa, you helped cause this mess, so the thing for you to do is to get ready to clean it up. Now SOMEBODY GET THIS MAN A BROOM OVER HERE. Luther, you GET TO SWEEPIN'." "You can't do this to me, Teddy. You can't make me clean this mess up!"

JOHN CENA (248, West Newbury, MA) vs.
Throwback of the week: uhhhh a John Cena jersey. Okay. Oh, wait

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JOHN CENA (248, West Newbury, MA) vs. WWE United States Champion BOOKER T (256, Houston, TX) in Match 2 of the Best of 5 Series for the WWE United States Championship
Circle, lockup. Cena schoolboys Booker up quickly for one. Circle, lockup, Booker with a knee to the gut, chop, right, right, right. Right, clubbing right. Irish whip, back elbow for two. Booker picks him up but Cena fights him off with a right, right, right, right, Booker with a knee to the gut. Irish whip to the corner, charging forearm for two. I think that caught Cena badly. Snap suplex, two. Picks him up, chop. Irish whip, reversed, Cena with a bad hiptoss for one. Kick, right, in the corner, right, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder. Right to the head, irish whip, back elbow I think? for two. Now to a seated armbar. Booker stands up and rakes the eyes. Bodyslam, Cena slips out and tries to roll him up off he ropes, but Booker holds up and superkicks him for two. And now the chinlock WHICH IS NOT A REAR NAKED CHOKE, TAZZ. Cena fights out with elbows, and now a headbutt. Right, of the ropes, shoulderblock for one. Off the ropes, another shoulderblock, two. He tries a third but Booker dodges it and knees him into the back to put him outside. Booker follows and takes Cena to the barricade. Booker throws Cena in and climbs up to the top rope. Missile dropkick! Only for two, boo. Cole going crazy that Booker did the missile dropkick. Okay. Running stomp, stomp, stomp. Irish whip, spin kick for two. And back to the chinlock. Cena again fights out, irish whip, Booker holds on, thrust kick ducked and Cena kicks him in the gut. Cena off the ropes but Booker takes his head off with a Harlem Side Kick. Slowly rolls Cena over, two. And another chinlock. Cena grabs the leg but Booker throws him to the mat for two. Now a seated surfboard. Cena elbows out, right, right, irish whip reversed, spinebuster! Booker gets a jackknife cover, only two. Guess what? Chinlock! Cena powering out, but Booker stands it up and kicks him the gut. Clothesline ducked, Cena with a right, right, right, Booker right blocked, Cena right, right, right, irish whip, clothesline. Running back elbow. Off the ropes, flying shoulderblock for two. Cole: "POUND AND GROUND!" What the fuck shut up Cole. Cena irish whip, Booker holds on and tries the Book End. Cena elbows out, Booker clothesline ducked, Cena with a kick to the gut and a "bulldog". U CANT C ME, Five Knuckle Shuffle amazingly only gets two. Pumping up the sneakers, FU? No, Booker slides out and goes to the corner. Cena charges into a knee, Booker charges with an elbow. Cena charges again, Booker drops him onto the top turnbuckle. Rollup, Booker puts his foot on the rope, but that's still three at (09'41"). The series is tied, and that was, uh, not good.

LATER TONIGHT!: Orlando Jordan defends JBL's WWE Championship against the Undertaker!

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MOMENTS AGO!: Booker tied the Best of 5. Cena was sad, confused, and angry.

Cole says match #3 will take place in Sydney, with highlights next week on SmackDown.

JOSH MATHEWS is in the ring with PAUL HEYMAN. "Mr. Heyman, tonight is--" "Are you done? Thank you very much, Josh, I can take it from here. I'm sure you're wondering how I can be standing here tonight in this ring, when just a few weeks ago I was down on my knees, an emmasculated man, begging for forgiveness, and tonight, I stand before you an empowered man, filled with bravado. Well the answer, Josh, is very simple. See, I got myself some backup. I purchased a GUARD DOG. I bought myself an animal that is going to be loyal to no one else but Paul Heyman. And I want you to experience my animal up close. Ladies and gentlemen (1), it is my honor and my privilege to introduce you to my reason for supreme confidence, I give to you HEI DEN REICH." Here's booming generic rock, and here's Heidenreich...dressed as Ken Shamrock. Red tights, red gloves, red boots. He tries to do the Brock Lesnar Happy Dance on the apron then does some shadowboxing and yells. "You wanna talk about intensity? It seems like ages ago, Josh, where my heart was pounding through my chest because I was in fear for my life, because I was being chased down by the Undertaker. But tonight, I have no fear. Because with Heidenreich standing next to me, there's not a man on the face of the planet that will ever pursue me again. Y'see, Josh, I have some very big plans to implement, Heidenreich's gonna help me. And I want you to remember that name, Josh. Hei Den Reich." "Mr. Heyman, everyone knows that you have many, many enemies. Can Heidenreich live up to the hype?" "Hype? You think this is hype?" "DO I LOOK LIKE HYPE? HYPE? HYPE? HE'S CALLING ME HYPE?" OHHHH he punches Josh in the gut. And another shitty punch to the gut. IS THAT YOUR HYPE? IS THAT YOUR HYPE? Josh up on his shoulder, IS THIS YOUR HYPE BABY?, shoulderbreaker. HEIDENREICH. HYPE? Slingshots Josh into the ropes then OWWWW down onto his knees. HEIDENREICH NO HYPE BABY. COBRA CLUTCH, throwing Josh around like a ragdoll. Cole: "Put him down, he's a 140-pound announcer." HEIDENREICH "That's not hype, that's HEI DEN REICH." Gee, I hope he doesn't beat up Funaki next. Replays confirm that Josh sells like a champ and nobody cares about Heidenreich.

UP NEXT: Kurt/Rey!

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HE STANDS OVER 7 FEET TALL. HE WEIGHS IN EXCESS OF 500 POUNDS. HIS PRESENCE IS OMINOUS, HIS RAGE FEROCIOUS, HIS POWER INHUMAN. AND HIS NAME IS THE BIG SHOW. THE BIG SHOW RETURNS TO SMACKDOWN.

KURT ANGLE (237, Pittsburgh, PA) vs. REY MYSTERIO (175, San Diego, CA)
Hey it's Jorge Paez in the audience. Circle, lockup, Angle takes Rey down. Headlock, Rey reverses to a hammerlock and now a waistlock. Angle flips out and gets an armbar. Headlock, standing, Rey throws Angle off into the ropes and gets shoulderblocked. Angle with a headlock takeover, holding on with the headlock. Standing up, Rey fights out. Rey throws Angle off again, and gets another shoulderblock for his troubles. Angle off the ropes, Rey ducks, then leapfrogs, then armdrags Angle. Staredown, Rey does the Angle spin. Angle takes Rey down again, goes to a front facelock. Wrestles him over for two, back to the facelock. Standing, butterfly suplex? No, Rey reverses to a release northern lights. Rey with a drop toe hold, and now a headlock on the ground. Angle throws him off and hahaha Rey shoulderblocks him down. Rey with the headlock again, Angle back suplexes him to get out of it. Rey up in the corner, Angle with a European uppercut. Irish whip, Rey flips off, gets a headscissors and takes Angle out. Off the ropes, baseball slides Kurt into the barricade. And at (04'12"), we go to

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And we're back as Angle has a reverse chinlock on. Rey fights out, off the ropes and gets kneed in the gut for two, and another two. Picks him up, big bodyslam for two. Another two count. Irish whip, OHHHH belly to belly. Angle gloats. Picks him up, on one knee, bearhug. Rey punching out, and a headbutt finally gets him out. Rey clothesline ducked, OHHHH release german and Rey lands on his face for two. Angle setting up, Angle Slam? No, Rey armdrags out. Right, right, right, irish whip to the corner reversed but Rey drop toe holds him. Split legged moonsault! for two. Rey picks him up and gets kneed in the gut. Angle short clothesline ducked, Rey off the ropes. Angle kicks him in the gut, Rey flips out of a fireman's carry and dropkicks Angle in the face for two. Right, right, off the ropes, clothesine ducked, headscissor takeover. Drop toe hold, Angle lands on the second rope, 619 dodged! Angle with a kick to the gut, irish whip, Rey leaps off the second rope, backwards into an ocean cyclone armdrag. Angle rebounds off the ropes, dropkicked onto the second rope, 619! West Coast Pop? No, Angle PLANTS him with a powerbomb for two. Uh oh, the straps are down. Setting up, Angle Slam! No, Rey reverses it to an inverted DDT! 1, 2...kickout! Both men up, Rey charges Angle and gets thrown onto the second rope. Angle forearms him in the back, and tries a top rope german. Rey elbows him off and turns himself around to face Angle. Off with a rana, caught again! Rey tries a victory roll, but Angle sit down on it! And that's three at (05'55", 10'07" total aired). These two work quite well together. Angle is jubilant, Rey is disappointed.

UP NEXT!: the surrogate title defense!

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SMACKDOWN THROWBACK!: 11/11/1999! Arnold gets an honorary WWE Championship belt! Then he hands Austin a chair and beats up HHH! Michael Cole looks like a tool! Well, moreso.

Buy the 5th anniversary magazine! And the special is September 23rd!

RAW REBOUND: Orton hocks a loogie! Orton-HHH at Unforgiven! Lita hates Kane more than life itself! Wait, what? And Matt Hardy dies! And then Lita and Kane get married! Hooray! I think! Exclamation points!

Send in a tape if you think you're TOUGH ENOUGH! Like Maven.

JBL is walking backstage. "Everything I've worked for. Everything I've got, my title..." He enters OJ's dressing room. "Orlando, I'm glad you're still here. Listen, we gotta talk. This is not fair what Theodore Long is making you do. It is not right. You have to defend MY title against THE UNDERTAKER." "You tellin' me? Look, don't get me wrong, I know I'm good. But this is the Undertaker we're talkin' about. Tonight, there's a good chance you could lose your championship." "WHAT?" "I'ma do everything in my power to make sure that doesn't happen, but, man, I'm under a lot of pressure. You've worked your whole life for this championship. If the Undertaker pins me, it could all go to hell--literally!" "OH GOD." "And you--" "Orlandoorlando[gibberish]. You're goin' about this all wrong. You're puttin' WAY, WAY too much pressure on yourself. Okay, look, I know it's the Undertaker, alright? He beat Austin...but you're Orlando Jordan! I mean, c'mon, how many main events you been in?" "Well...none, really?" "What? What? I said...I said, by God, you're fresh! You're new! You're a blue chipper! You're a TWO-TIME All-American! The Undertaker's got nothin' on you! I mean, so you're the underdog? Look what Mel Gibson did as Braveheart!" "Actually, he got...captured and got...tortured to death." "Alright alright bad example, bad example, right, right. But listen, you can do this. You have what it takes to be champion. You have what it takes to beat the Undertaker, you've got to believe that ORLANDO! YOU HAVE GOT to believe that!" "I do believe, JBL. But to be honest, you know what would help me even more? If I could wear it." "I don't normally let people wear my cowboy hats..." "HELL NO, I ain't talkin' aboutcha hat, I'm talkin' about the WWE title." "My title?" "YEAH. You told me yourself I got what it takes to be a champion. I wanna feel like it when I walk down to the ring." "You're right, you're right, champions walk out with the title, champions hold it over the head, champions go out there and champions beat the Undertaker. Alright, you've got it, Orlando! Go out there and be the champion that you are, just bring my belt back, okay?" "Thanks. Let's go do this." "Go get 'em Orlando, I'm right behind ya." Orlando leaves "I am SCREWED."

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NEXT WEEK!: Eddy! Angle! 2/3 falls!

dingdingdingdingding MOOOOOOORLANDO JORDAN (w/WWE Champion John Brad$haw Layfield [w/neck halo {w/cowboy hat}], 247, Miami, FL) vs. THE UNDERTAKER (305, Death Valley) for the WWE Championship
Lockup, Taker takes Jordan to the turnbuckle. Back elbow, right, right, right. Jordan fights back with an elbow, Taker with a head to the turnbuckle again. Right, irish whip. Charge meets elbow, Jordan with a right, irish whip, hiptoss. Armdrag, another. Taker piefaces him then big boots him down for two. Armwringer, going up top, ropewalk aaaaand down on the arm. Taker points to JBL then OHHHH lariat. Only gets two but JBL tries to pull Taker off just in case. Taker gives JBL the eye which allows Jordan to forearm him in the back. Stomp, stomp, stomps him to the outside. Jordan follows, right, right, head to the barricade. Right, right, throws Taker in and follows. Loud kick to the ribs, off the ropes, elbowdrop for two. Picks him up, bodyslam, legdrop for two. Both men up, Taker with a right, another, knee to the gut, right. Jordan with a knee of his own, elbow to the back of the neck, Taker in the corner. Shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, elbow. Irish whip, reversed, Jordan bounces out into Snake Eyes. Taker off the rope, big boot. Off the ropes, JBL trips him, so Taker just steps to the outside. Staring down JBL and Jordan baseball slides him into the barricade. Goes outside, picks him up, right and throws him back in for two. Taker on his knees, Jordan right, right, right, off the ropes, into a back elbow. Scoops him up for the Tombstone, but Jordan slips out and hits...the Blackout? Whatever the Downward Spiral was called. It gets two and Jordan sits up, distressed. In a nice visual, Taker Zombie Situps right next to him and then stares at him. Both men up, Jordan with a right, right, irish whip, Jordan clothesline ducked, Taker with one of his own. Kick to the gut, irish whip to the corner, avalanche. Grabs his head and takes it to the turnbuckle. Another avalanche and Taker knocks JBL off the apron. CHOKESLAM. High sign. TOMBSTONE. 1, 2, JBL pulls the referee out! And that's a DQ at (06'24"). JBL runs over to get his belt and yells something at Chimel. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JBL WANTS ME TO REMIND ALL OF YOU THAT THE CHAMPIONSHIP CAN ONLY CHANGE HANDS BY PINFALL OR SUBMISSION, THEREFORE STILL WWE CHAMPION, JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD!" And JBL turns around right into the Taker. Taker rips off the neck brace, throws JBL down and kicks him in the face. Takes his head into the announce table and rips off the back brace and halo. JBL rolls into the ring and scoots backwards, Jordan's still dead. JBL tries to beg off, uh oh, goozle--CHOKESLAM! Taker gets the belt, goes back in the ring, and poses on one knee with it as the lights go to blue and we fade to black.

Well, now I'm Going Away To College by Blink 182, and I can't think of it ending on a better note than Orlando Jordan defending the WWE title. It's been fun, recapping at a time when it actually needs to be recapped for people. TCF.com's own Scott Christ will take over next week because of the Eddy/Angle 2/3 falls match, and then after that we'll see if anyone takes over. So...yeah. I really wish I had something poignant to end this on, but that's it until December at the earliest! HAVE A VERY FEELY AUTUMN! Whatever that means.

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