WWE SmackDown! - 08/05/04
by Tom Feely

TV PG D L V W W E

We eschew an intro since they have to edit out Kurt Angle in a wheelchair. Instead, we start with SmackDown GM THEODORE R. LONG, standing beneath pictures of Vince McMahon and...Martin Luther King, Jr. Uhhh alright: "One man had a vision. The other man had a dream. Y'see, separately, both of these gentlemen have helped to shape my world. Now, these men insipired me to CREATE. They inspired me to DREAM. And now, every day, they inspire me to make SmackDown something spectacular. A show that gives you EXCITEMENT, ACTION, ENTERTAINMENT and SURPRISES, ya feel me? Now if you thought SmackDown with Theodore R. Long last week, livin' large and in charge, was good, well tonight, it's gonna be even better, holla holla holla. Y'see, I wantcha to get on ya telephone right now, call your friends, knock on ya neighbor's door, tell somebody NOT TO MISS ONE MINUTE OF SMACKDOWN tonight, cuz' it's gonna be off the hizzle fo'shizzle! And you know what's gonna happen? A number one contender's match for Booker T's newly won United States Championship! And hey, that match is gonna happen--" Long checks his watch "right now! Holla holla holla."

JOHN CENA (248, West Newbury, MA) vs. ROB VAN DAM (230, Battle Creek, MI) in a #1 Contenders Match for the WWE United States Championship
Throwback of the week: #34 for the Houston Astros, Nolan Ryan. We aren't LIVE from Houston, TX, and your announcers are MICHAEL COLE and TAZZ. Last week, these were the last two men that Booker eliminated to win the U.S. belt. Circle as the crowd chants are split, lockup. Cena with a waistlock, RVD reverses as Cena takes it to the ropes. Broken, another lockup, RVD with two kicks to the gut and a monkey flip, holding on for two. RVD with a headlock, Cena reverses to a headscissors, RVD slips out and both men stand up. Circle, lockup, RVD with a waistlock, Cena reverses and takes it to a headlock. RVD pushes him into the ropes, but Cena comes off with a shoulderblock. Cena off the ropes again, RVD splits under it and tries a monkey flip, but Cena stands him up and gets another waistlock. RVD reverses, Cena elbows out, Cena off the ropes, RVD spinkick ducked, Cena clothesline ducked, Staredown Of Respect. Slap of the hands, circle as the crowd is now behind Cena. Lockup, Cena with a headlock, RVD shoves him into the ropes, RVD leapfrogs the shoulderblock this time but turns around into another to knock him out of the ring. Cena follows, but RVD gets a kick to the gut,a right, right, right, and takes his head to the apron. RVD leaps onto the apron and jumps down with a kick to the head. Breaking the count, kick to the fallen Cena's head. He takes Cena's head into the barricade, then drapes him across it. Breaks the count, onto the apron, R-V-D but Cena moves out of the way before RVD can try the corkscrew legdrop. Cena up on the apron, RVD with a shoulder to the gut, suplex in blocked, blocked again, Cena suplexes RVD to the floor! And we're going to commercial at (04'11")

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We come back as Cena covers after something for two. Vertical suplex, two count. Covers again, another two count. Picks RVD up, irish whip, telegraphs the backdrop and gets kicked in the face. Cena tries a clothesline as RVD kicks him in the head again, both men are down. Cena up first, but RVD comes off the ropes with a right to the face, right, right, head to the turnbuckle, another kick to the face. Backstage we see BOOKER T saying something I can't catch. Cena seated in the corner now, and RVD dropkicks him in the chest. R-V-D. Sets Cena up, split legged moonsault gets two. In the corner, RVD with a right, shoulder shoulder backflip northern lights suplex for two. Spinning legdrop followed up with Rolling Thunder for two. Booker saying "FINISH HIM!" now. RVD picks up Cena, irish whip, Cena holds on, kick to the gut, F U but RVD slips out and spinkicks him in the jaw. RVD up top now, top rope legdrop! Odd, and it only gets two. RVD tries to pick Cena up, but Cena pops up and plants him with a DDT. Both men down again. Cena crawls over to cover, two count. Cena up first, big clothesline. RVD slowly up, big running back elbow. RVD slowly up again, big running shoulderblock gets two. RVD gets folded in half well, thus they are "big". Looping RVD right ducked, Cena with a back suplex into a sidewalk slam of sorts, was that the Protobomb or whatever? U Can't C Me, Five Knuckle Shuffle, GASP! only gets two. Cena...going up top? RVD pops up and kicks him in the head. Right, right, RVD up top now. Right, right, setting up, superplex! RVD tries to float over, but Cena cradles the legs, and that's three at (07'07", 11'18" total aired)! A...good match? Whaaaaaaaa? John Cena is your #1 Contender to the U.S. title, and here's some replays of the finish to prove it. RVD goes to leave, but Cena stops him and tells him to do the R-V-D for the fans. Handshake, R-V-D. Awww how nice.

Back to Booker in the back: "Aw, Cena, lookit this, man. Aw, look, go ahead, shake hands, go ahead." "T! What's up, playa? What's up, dawg? Show me some love." Heeeere's Mr. Long "What's up, man? You know man, congratulations." "Thanks, playa. You know somethin', Book? You know, I'd love to know what you think about John Cena being the #1 contender to your U.S. title." "Y'know, I think I beat Cena last week, and hell I'll beat that chump again, too, man." "Y'know, Book, I'm sure you can beat John Cena again. And then on the other hand, I'm sure John Cena could beat you again too." "Whatchu tryin' to say, Teddy?" "Hey, hey. Let's get one thing straight. The name is Theodore R. Long. Now secondly, y'see Booker T, since you and John Cena are so evenly matched, and y'know, by the way, John Cena never lost the U.S. title." "What? WHAT ABOUT THE 8-MAN--" "He was STRIPPED of that title by that hater Kurt Angle. And y'know somethin' Book, by you bein' FIVE-TIME FIVE-TIME FIVE-TIME FIVE-TIME" uhhhh that was only four "WCW Champion, y'know what? That what gave me a great idea. Y'know what I'm gonna do? Great idea. I can see it now. Booker T. John Cena. The best of 5 series for the U.S. title." "What are you talkin' about, best of 5 series, with Cena, what, I'm the champ already." "Listen, playa, it's real simple. Y'see, it's like this. It's either Booker T or John Cena. The first one of you men to win three matches wins the SERIES and becomes the undisputed United States Champion. And y'know somethin', Book? I'm gonna make the first match, and it'll happen at WWE's Summer Games, SummerSlam, playa. Now can you dig THAT? Holla, holla."

Cena is still celebrating with the fans.

TONIGHT! Dudleys vs. Rey and Spike!

TONIGHT! Kurt Angle vs. Charlie Haas!

VOICED OVER! Eddy Guerrero up next!

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Just as Michael Cole promised, it's EDDY GUERRERO in a banana yellow Cutlass Supreme lowrider, with DAWN MARIE, SABLE, and TORRIEBERG. You see, they call her that to make fun of her since she married a Jew. Dawn Marie is the only one that actually matches the car. And she shows the most tit too, good for her. Eddy opens the door for Torrie, then moves the chair forward for Sable and Dawn in the backseat, what a gentleman. Dawn is the most into this by far as he opens the ring ropes for them to enter. Oh, and in the ring is all the merchandise that will be auctioned off. "ORALE HOUSTON!" YAAAAAAY HE SAID HOUSTON "Orale, check out the mamacitas I brought, eh? Mm mm mm mm mm [something in Spanish] lookin' goooooood, yeah. Orale Angle, the countdown has started. One, ten days til Summerslam, ten days 'til I get to kick your (ass)." Crowd cheers, Dawn applauds, Torrie says something to Sable that she gives a courtesy turn towards. "Two, the auction on WWE.com, it ends tonight, esse." A helpful graphic in the corner has the logo with .com following it, causing me to wonder how nobody realized that the logo has no E. VISIT WW.COM! "Now, see, you gotta understand something, Kurt. All the proceeds, they go to charity, they're for a good cause, which is why I took it upon myself to ask the SmackDown divas to come help me RAAAAAAISE the value." Torrie is like "haha omigod I can't believe he said that", Dawn is like "woo yeah boys look at my tits", and Sable is...stoic. "I know exactly how we're gonna make a lot of money." Eddy puts the cast on Torrie's leg. Dawn: "Oh yeah, sexy." Dawn Marie rules. Torrie limps around the ring. "ORALE, MAMI. You STILL look gorgeous walkin' around like that. Sit down, sit down." She sits in the wheelchair. Dawn Marie stands behind it and yells "LOOK, I'M LUTHER!" "There we go, give us a kick! You know what, let's sign it. Sable, would you do us a favor and sign it, please? There we go. I'll help you hold up your leg." Sable signs it. Dawn: "It's a hard job, huh, Eddy?" "It's a hard job, but somebody's gotta do it." Dawn signs, so does Torrie. "Orale, now Torrie, that is definitely gonna raise the value of that cast, thank you, mamacita." Eddy takes it off, looks around for a place to put it, and then just throws it in the corner. "Now next, we have the wheelchair." AHHHH awkward sudden full-screen graphic cut-in of Michael Cole talking about the wheelchair being on auction AND WE'RE BACK "Oh Sable, since you're there, would you do me the favor, mamacita, and just show everyone Kurt Angle's portrait. Hold it up a little more where we can see it better. A little more, to the left." See, she holds it in front of her face so everyone can stare at her tits. "Oh yeah, it looks really, really good." Sable moves the picture back and tells him to focus. "I'm sorry, I couldn't help it, they're so, it's just such a...nice-looking portrait." "Now back to Kurt." "Yeah, now back to Kurt. I'll tell you what, we'll sign this, too." Torrie signs on his face, haha. "Attagirl, right across the mouth. There we go. Love and kisses, Kurt." pause, then Eddy arches back to look at Dawn and goes "No, I love YOU." so maybe there was something Dawn said that wasn't caught this time. "Okay, thank you. ALRIGHT. Now, next is the thingamajiggie, the...this." another Cole cut-in about the shadow box "Now, ladies and gentlemen, help me thank SmackDown's very own divas for helping me RAAAAAAIIIIIIISE the value of this memorabilia." applause "The only other thing I can think of that would help raise the value of this merchandise is, being that Kurt Angle is gonna be wrestling for the very first time since Wrestlemania XX right here in Houston, Texas. Hey, Kurt, who did you wrestle that night...ohhhhh, I remember, *I* wrestled Kurt. Do you girls remember who won?" Sable and Dawn point to Eddy and...I'm not sure if Torrie knew. "I won? I can't remember. Do me a favor, somebody in the back, would you please roll the footage and show me who won?"

they do so

"Orale yeah, now I remember who won. I did! I beat you, Kurt. I not only beat you, I EMBARASSED you, homes." hey where are the divas "Just like I am at SummerSlam. Now, SummerSlam, that's WWE version of the summer games. It reminds me of how you made your mark into this world. I mean, you DID win a gold medal at the summer games. But I want you to realize, esse, you're not the only athlete in the summer games. I want you to know that I'm in the summer games TOO, esse. And just to let you know, I'm gonna leave you and the rest of the WWE in the starting blocks, esse. What? You don't believe me, homes? You think I'm lying, esse? Nah, esse, check it out:"

SummerSlam promo of Eddy gluing the other racers in the 100 Meter Sprint to their starting blocks. It's no Breakdancin' Batista.

"SummerSlam. Kurt Angle vs. Latino Heat. ORALE, VIVA LA RASA!"

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RENE DUPREE (w/Fifi, 260, Paris, France) vs. ORLANDO JORDAN (257, Miami, FL)
I was wondering where O.J. was. I didn't really MISS him, but still, I wanted to know. Ah, Cole and Tazz say he's been out with family problems. Well then. Circle, lockup, Dupree pushes Jordan to the corner. Dupree right blocked, Jordan counters with a right and some body blows. Irish whip, Dupree holds onto the ropes. Jordan charges and gets backdropped to the outside. Dupree follows and takes Jordan's head into the stairs. Chop, throws him back in the ring. Picks him up, right jab, jab, jab, right hook gets two. Picks him up, and dumps him back outside. Jordan hangs onto the apron as Dupree does the French Tickler and turns around into a top rope crossbody for...three? (01'19") Well then. Replay of the finish.

Backstage, JOSH MATHEWS is awaiting the arrival of JBL. And there he is out of his limo, JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD. "Josh, how are ya, my boy?" handshake "Good, thanks, JBL. Listen, a lot of the fans have been wondering if--" JBL hands Josh his belt as he gets out the hand sanitizer "How's your family, Josh?" "Oh, well they're doin' good. My sister's comin' to visit me in a couple of weeks, and y'know everyone seems to be gettin' on pretty we--" JBL cuts him off before he goes into a soliloquy about the loss of Rue "Y'know Josh, I asked you here for a specific reason. You can give that back to me now, son. Over the last couple of the weeks, I've been doin' my community-minded service, becoming the most popular champion...of all time. And Josh, I've actually had some fans come up to me and ask me 'Are you afraid...of the Undertaker? Are you afraid that the Undertaker will take your WWE Championship at SummerSlam?' Well, Josh, as another great American once said, FDR--" What, he's a Demmy-crat "--a man who also went by his initials. 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself.' So tonight, tonight Josh, I'm gonna call out the Undertaker. Tonight, in that very ring, right here in Houston, Texas, I'm gonna meet the Undertaker face to face. Perhaps the Undertaker is afraid of me, but I certainly have nothing to fear from the Undertaker."

TONIGHT! Kidman and London defend their tag titles against the Bashams!

UP NEXT! Kurt Angle returns to face his former protege, Charlie Haas!

KURT ANGLE (w/Luther Reigns, 237, Pittsburgh, PA) vs. CHARLIE HAAS (w/Miss Jackie, 241, Edmund, OK)
Angle looks quite ripped and has red white and blue pyro. Haas has a new TitanTron with him and Miss Jackie. Announcers bring up Team Angle, wow. Angle gives Haas a steely glare. Circle, lockup, Angle takes Haas to the corner. Clean break, wow. Circle, Haas goes for the lockup but Angle ducks and gets a waistlock. Haas reverses, Angle reverses that, Haas sweeps the legs but Angle kicks him off. Angle with a headlock takeover, Haas reverses it to a headscissors, Angle slips out. Haas with a headlock takeover, Angle reverses THAT to a headscissors, now Haas slips out and the Staredown Of Respect. Lockup, Kurt with the hammerlock. Haas gets a fireman carry out of it and hangs on with an armbar. Kurt stands up and hiptosses out of it, but runs into a deep armdrag, which Haas also hangs onto with an armbar. Kurt irish whips Haas out of it, but Haas shoulderblocks him down. Haas off the ropes, Angle ducks, Kurt with a sleeper hold, Haas tries to back suplex out of it but Haas takes him over with a headlock takeover. Hanging on with the headlock, Haas stands up and irish whips him off, but Kurt gets the shoulderblock. Kurt off the ropes, Haas ducks, Haas with a hiptoss and now two deep armdrags. Angle bails and Luther tries to calm him down as we go to commercial at (02'59").

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Angle with a kick to the gut, and now a front headlock on the mat. Haas reverses to a hammerlock, Angle grabs the head as they stand up and snapmares him over. Angle with a rear chinlock, standing, Haas reverses to a top wristlock. Haas moves to a waistlock, but Angle elbows him in the mush to put him down. Angle getting cocky now, stomp. Picks him up, right to the head. Now in the corner, right, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp. Irish whip, reversed, Haas with a back elbow. Snap suplex, floatover for two. Haas shoves Angle in the corner, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp. Picks him up, head to the turnbuckle. Irish whip to the corner, reversed, Angle charges into a boot. Haas walks right into the belly-to-belly, however, and Kurt pops up to bask in his own greatness. Tazz missed that, and I did, too. In the corner, chop, right to the head, kick to the gut, another, stomp, stomp, choking Haas with his boot. Picks him up, snap suplex for two. Rolls him onto his back, knee into the back, and now cranking back on his neck. Now to just a chinlock as Haas elbows out but runs into a knee to the gut for two. Another two count, another. Angle with a bodyscissors, and now moving to a headlock. Haas stands and fights out with an elbow, a right, two headbutts, a right, right, but Angle blocks another and hits four of his own to knock Haas into the corner. Irish whip, charge hits elbow. Angle charges Haas on the ropes, and Haas dumps him to the floor! Yeesh, watch out, Kurt. Angle up on the apron and guillotines Haas on the top rope. He slides in and stands up into a bee-yoo-tiful dropkick by Haas. Clothesline, second one gets ducked, Angle tries for a german but gets elbowed in the face. Haas with the irish whip, reversed, Angle charges and shoulder meets post. Haas with an exploder for two, honoring the late Tazz. Irish whip to the corner, running shoulder charge hits. As Angle gets up, Haas leaps to the top rope and hits..whoa. He starts with his back facing Angle, then kind of moonsaults at a 45 degree angle over with a flying axehandle. Wow, that was sweet. And only gets two. Man. Haas with a waistlock, Angle hangs onto the ropes but Haas hits him into the back until he lets go, but the german just gets blocked again and victory rolled into the Ankle Lock. Haas shortly rolls out of it, however, sending Angle into the middle turnbuckle. Haas with a schoolboy, ohhhh only two. Haas goes to pick Kurt up, but Kurt pops up, Angle Slam! Down come the straps, and here we go. ANKLE LOCK! Ohhhh grapevined. And of course, Haas taps at (07'26", 10'25" total aired). Angle needs to be pulled off, and while he's not BACK yet, he's most of the way there. Another good match, and Charlie Haas is quite awesome as well. Replay of the Angle Slam and ankle lock.

TONIGHT! Face to Face: JBL and the Undertaker!

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Hey let's hype SummerSlam! The rundown: Booker-Cena Match 1 in a Best of 5, Edge/Batista/Jericho for the IC title, Kane vs. Matt winner marries Lita, Eddy/Angle, HHH/Eugene, Benoit/Orton, JBL/Taker

Raw Rebound: Lita is a dumb slut, HHH kills Regal (to which Eugene will surely come back with "THAT WAS VERY, VERY MEAN, HUNTER." if he even is able to get into the building without Regal), Edge and Jericho no longer like each other

UP NEXT!: London/Kidman vs. Bashams!

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TONIGHT! Taker! JBL! Face to Face! (Not the band Face to Face, they broke up.)

WWE Tag Team Champions PAUL LONDON and BILLY KIDMAN (415) vs. THE BASHAM BROTHERS (495, Columbus, OH) for the WWE Tag Team Championship
London and Kidman have matching jobber trunks and robes (white with flames) to go with their new jobber music. Kidman and Danny start, circle, lockup, Danny with an armbar. Wringing it in, Kidman reverses and goes to a headock. Danny back suplexes Kidman out of it, but Kidman backflips out of it safely and rolls Danny up for two. Armwringer, tag to London. Double irish whip, double hiptoss, Kidman moonsaults London onto Danny for two. London with an armbar, but Danny irish whips out of it as Kidman makes a blind tag, London with a drop toehold as Kidman slingshots in with a legdrop to Danny. Doug runs in and eats a double dropkick. Kidman irish whips Danny, but Danny holds onto the ropes. Kidman charges and gets backdropped onto the apron. Kidman blocks a right and hits one of his own, but Doug pulls Kidman off face-first onto the floor. Kidman tossed in and covered for two. Doug in behind the ref's back, double gutbuster onto the ropes for two. Danny with an armbar, tag to Doug. Danny holds Kidman for three Doug rights. Doug uses the ropes for a jumping stomp onto Kidman, and now a bearhug. Kidman elbows out, but Doug knees him in the gut and whips him into the Bashams corner. Danny tagged in, Danny with a knee to the gut and a stomp to the head for two. Danny picks him up, another knee to the gut, right, off the ropes, SMACK into a dropkick. With a smack. Doug tagged in, he grabs Kidman's leg but gets kicked off, and London is tagged in. Doug clothesline ducked, London clothesline, London clothesline. Backdrop for Danny, leg lariat to Doug, dropsault on Danny onto Doug for two. Irish whip reversed, Danny grabs the foot but gets kicked off. However, Doug uses the opportunity to kick London in the gut, set him up for a powerbomb, and...get enziguiried in the chest by Kidman. Kidman takes out Danny with a plancha, London up top...450 splash! That of course does it at (04'34"). Replay of the 450, and a sweet one at that.

Spike is backstage, Rey comes up to him, and they each affirm that the other is ready and walk to ringside. That match is next!

John Cena uses a basketball analogy to get us to vote.

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there's no denying it everyone's buzzing about HEIDENREICH HEIDENREICH HEI DEN REICH He's NOT going to squander this opportunity I've waited too long I'm gonna make a name for myself at everyone's expense I am unmerciful I am invincible HEIDENREICH no one can stop me no one no one can stop me I will NOT be denied my time is now HEIDENREICH I will be merciless I will show NO remorse for those I victimize victimize victimize HEIDENREICH HEIDENREICH HEIDENREICH

REY MYSTERIO (175, San Diego, CA) and WWE Cruiserweight Champion SPIKE DUDLEY (150) vs. THE DUDLEY BOYS (543, New York, NY)
Last week, Rey threw out the first pitch at a Padres game. He reached the plate, apparently unlike Tazz. Spike and Bubba start, circle, lockup, Bubba takes Spike to the corner, puts him on the top rope and tries to muss his hair. Another lockup, Bubba tries a bodyslam, Spike slips out and pushes him into the ropes, Bubba hangs on and Spike goes flying. Spike with a headlock takedown, hanging onto the headlock. Rey makes a blind tag, Bubba irish whips Spike off, clothesline ducked, Spike with a dropkick. Spike holding his knee as Rey springboards in with a dropkick. Rey checks on Spike as he walks it off outside, allowing D-Von to blindside him. Right, right, right. Elbow to the back of the head, irish whip, clothesline ducked, Rey with a beaut of an Asai moonsault for two. Rey with a kick to the head, right, irish whip reversed but D-Von charges into a boot. Spike makes the blind tag, Rey with a second rope clothesline, Spike off the top with the double stomp but ohhh D-Von moves and Spike goes down, clutching his knee. Nick Patrick gives the X and Rey takes over for Spike. Bubba press slams Rey onto D-Von's knee and then yells "HE'S HURT, AND NOW YOU'RE HURT." Spike is down on the floor, still holding his knee. D-Von picks Rey up, right to the head knocks him into the corner. Irish whip, Rey hits it chest-first. Anothr irish whip to the corner, now D-Von catches him on the rebound into a bearhug. Spike climbs onto the apron but is still a gimp. Rey elbows out of the bearhug, off the ropes but into a clothesline for two. Tag to Bubba, D-Von holds Rey in the corner as Bubba punches him in the gut. Bodyslam, "619? HERE'S THE 325!" which would be his body weight, not the area code of Dudleyville, and an elbowdrop. And another. "YOU WANT MORE? YOU WANT MORE?" Tag to D-Von, another elbowdrop. D-Von drags Rey to the corner and hits the flying jump into Rey's boot. Tag to Bubba, charges but get drop toe holded into the second turnbuckle. Rey on the apron, shoulder to the gut, springboard seated senton. Rey knocks D-Von off the apron, Unorthodox Leg Lariat on Bubba gets two. D-Von holds Rey for Bubba, overhand chop gets ducked and hits D-Von, Rey schoolboys Bubba for two. Rey dropkicks D-Von out of the ring, but gets kicked in the gut by Bubba. Powerbomb, but Rey ranas through and has Bubba in position for the 619. Rey off the ropes...and D-Von trips him. 3D, goodnight. Spike crawls over to try and break it up, but that's it at (05'31"). Spike hobbles himself back up, picks Rey up, consoles him, and....KICKS HIM IN THE NUTS! Ohhhhhhhh. His brothers applaud, YAAAAAY FAMILY HUG. Bubba and D-Von raise their brother's hands, but Spike stops them. "Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa. We're not done yet. BUBBA. D-VON. GET THE TABLES." oh shit tilde tilde tilde. Spike gets in Rey's face and keeps punching him, and then goes to get his belt. The table's set up, D-Von lays Rey on it and then puts the belt on Rey's waist. Spike up top, oh shit, DOUBLE STOMP THROUGH THE TABLE. D-Von and Bubba but Spike on their shoulders, and Spike raises his arms in victory and then points and laughs at somebody in the front few rows. Then he yells for them to get him down so he can get his belt and he does. Hahahaha. Posing on the turnbuckle, and now the other two Dudleys. Bubba and Spike hug. Oh man, replay shows the dropkick and he didn't even land on the "hurt" leg. Then a replay of the kick to the nuts and the awesome stomp through the table. Bubba and D-Von take Spike out on their shoulders, and that ruled quite hard.

UP NEXT! JBL and the Undertaker face to face!

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We start with JBL already in the ring. Takes off his hat and jacket, now gets himself a mic. yes yes yes loosens the tie. "Y'know, I used to be one'a ya Texans, I just realized I'm very glad I now live in New York City. I was looking forward to coming to my former home, before I moved to the great place in the world, New York City, to the hero's welcome that I deserve. To the hero's welcome that you people deserve to give to me. But I'm not shakin' hands, I'm not kissin' babies, because tonight it's about business. Serious business. People have asked me if I'm afraid of the Undertaker. I'm not only not afraid of him, I'm calling him out RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE. I REFUSE TO WAIT UNTIL SUMMERSLAM, SO UNDERTAKER, I KNOW YOU'RE LISTENING, I KNOW YOU'RE BACK THERE, come out here right now and face the GREATEST WWE Champion of all time, JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD." DONG DONG DONG and it's....THE MIDGET UNDERTAKER. "Come on, dead man, come down here, mano y mano, right here, right now. You can walk as slow as ya want, the beating will be quick." Tazz cracks wise "C'mon Undertaker, right here in the heart of Texas I'm gonna beat ya like a rented mule. You don't scare me, Undertaker. You hear that shaking? That's not my knees, Undertaker, it's gonna be your teeth. HEY! Undertaker, did ya forget something? Ya forgot to raise the lights." hahaha Cole calls out Tazz for all the midget cracks, and Tazz says it's not often he's got a height advantage on someone. Dramatic staredown. "You look a lot bigger on television. Look, I told you I'd come up here and look you in the eye. Alright." JBL gets down on his knees and looks Mini-Taker in the eyes. "I'm a man of my word. And come SummerSlam, I don't want you to take this lightly, because I'm not the least little....hahaha, little, get it? Joke? Was it over your head? Hahahaha, I bet you suck at frisbee. Hahaha, here, catch, whoo whoo whoo where's that goin' hahahaha. How's your golf game, I bet your short game's good. You don't think I'm funny? I'm not the WEE bit intimidated of you, Undertaker. Hey, how do you do those eyes? Alright, try this, instead of Rest In Peace go [something I can't understand]. You know what, Undertaker? I'm not gonna wait until SummerSlam. It could be a...SHORT match there, too. In fact, right here, right now." OH SHIT HE'S GONNA GIVE THE MIDGET A TOMBSTONE "GET READY TO REST...IN...PEACE." DONG DONG there go the lights and here's THE UNDERTAKER behind JBL, who still has the midget upside down. JBL tosses the midget to the Undertaker who hahahaha just lets the little guy bounce off him and to the mat. "I didn't know he was gonna do that! I had no idea, I'm appalled! Hell, I HATE short people! Look, I ain't stayin' I'm , I gotta go--" JBL decks Taker, right, right, irish whip reversed, big boot OW right in the forehead. Has him up for the Tombstone, and...what the fuck? It's Orlando Jordan to break it up, pull JBL out, and run for it. Jordan helps JBL up the ramp, Taker points and gives the high sign and then the belt sign. JBL is like "...me?" Taker with the pose on one knee, and the midget stupidly decides to do it beside him. Uh oh Taker shoots him a look, and the little man is rightfully frightened. CHOKESLAM! And another stare for the frightened JBL as we fade to black.

Eh, I liked the show except for the midget, and that was as best as could be expected. Though Orlando Jordan, what the hell? Why not, like, Jamie Noble as my fellow TCF.com recapper Scott Christ once suggested on AIM? Or...uh...I dunno. And the Eddy segment went a bit long, but it's nice to see him get so much airtime since it shows they're still behind him. Yep. Oh, and heel Spike Dudley is awesome so far. 'til next week.

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