as well. You care.WWE SmackDown! - 07/29/04
by Tom Feely
I had Iron Man at about
as well. You care.
TV PG D L V W W E
Last Week, stuff happened that you can read in my recap. Haven't you read it? HAVEN'T YOU?
hey yo it's my life my WHERE ARE THE TAG CHAMPS
We aren't LIVE from Cincinnati, Ohio! Your announcers, as always except for that one time one was Ernest Miller, are MICHAEL COLE and TAZZ.
TONIGHT!: Vince McMahon will announce a new SmackDown GM!
CAN YOU DIG IT SUCKA, we start off with...U.S. Title holder and maybe Champion BOOKER T. Cole informs us that the Divas, Tony Chimel, and Funaki have been rehired by Vince. Phew. Booker has a mic: "Yo yo whoa whoa, hold 'em up. See last week, I was made a promise. A promise that I would come out here tonight and be declared the United States Champion. Now the man who made that promise, Kurt Angle, as we all know, he's no longer in charge. But I expected whoever IS in charge to come out here and declare Booker T the NEW United States Champion RIGHT NOW. WHOEVER is in cha--"
Why, that's the music of KENZO SUZUKI (w/Hiroko), who may or may not be in charge. Oh, the chyron doesn't say "SmackDown GM", so I guess not. UNLESS IT'S HIROKO, IS IT? Oh, no, it's probably not. "Look man, I was talkin' about the person in charge of SMACKDOWN, not somebody in charge of some late-night sushi bar at the Tokyo Inn. WHAT'S UP?" Kenzo says a bunch of crap in Japanese, then something about KENZOSUZUKIZADNAYAH. Enlighten us, Hiroko: "Kenzo say as someone who loves America, he should be KENZO SUZUKI who's the new United States CHAMPION." "Yeah, yeah, you LOVE bashin' people upside the head, man. I'll tell you what, why don't you exit this ring right now. You think about that, Kenzo." Kenzo confers with Hiroko, either because he doesn't understand black people or just English in general. Kenzo says stuff in Japanese. "Kenzo say your breath stinks like a herd of...DEAD WILDEBEEST." Kenzo makes "phew" motions. "You didn't say that. Look man, it don't make no difference, I AM the United States Champion, it don't make no difference what anybody--"
Now here's the music of ROB VAN DAM, and also here is Rob Van Dam. He points at Booker and says stuff we don't pick up on the mic, then points to himself. Now here's LUTHER REIGNS, also with his music. Rinse and repeat for RENE DUPREE as Cole is very annoyed by this. OH NO HE'S GONNA COME OUT HERE AND...LOSE AGAIN. Now here's CHARLIE HAAS and BILLY GUNN while Dupree's music still plays. And now here's JOHN CENA. "Yo yo YO YO YO. Look at all y'all in there, arguin' about who da U.S. Champ s'posed to be." light Cena chants "They all know it, and I'm gon' clear it up for ya. THE CHAMP IS HERE." YAAAAY "THE CHAMP IS HERE IN CINCINNATI. All these people know it, they know I'm here to take care of business, watch this. WHO'S HOUSE?" Crowd is like "...uh, ours? Yours? Cena's? The Bearcats'?" "So y'all better wipe yo feet, or you gon' get yo (ass) beat." He runs in and wails on Booker, Suzuki and Gunn fight, Dupree and RVD fight, Haas and Reigns fight. And here's the music of VINCE MCMAHON (w/Swaggerin' Action). He walks through the middle of the chaos, asks for a mic, and of course gets it. "I SAID KNOCK IT OFF, DAMMIT! KNOCK IT OFF! KNOCK IT OFF, DAMMIT! STOP IT! I'LL FIRE EVERY DAMN ONE OF YA!" haha awesome. Everyone knocks it off, of course. "Seems no matter where I go, I always stand in the middle of controversy and chaos and turmoil, but that's NOT MY place to stand tonight, that's a place for somebody ELSE to stand. That's a place for someone who will decide the fate of the United States Heavyweight Championship. The person who will stand in this ring will be the new General Manager. Oh, yeah. And I believe in baptismal by fire, so therefore there is NO BETTER TIME to introduce you to YOUR new General Manager--THEODORE LONG." Crowd seems...confused. And here's the Peanuthead militant comin' to get it owwwwwwn. Hahahaha everyone's just kind of like "what?" while Booker just keeps applauding. Long shakes hands with Vince, who hands him the mic. "Well thank you very much Mr. McMahon, thank you and thank you again. NOW, let's, just a minute, let's see what we got here. Now as I look around, I see that eight men out here, actin' like children, arguin' over who will be the U.S. Champion. Now y'see, it's obvious to ME that there's only one man out here tonight that deserves to be U.S. Champion, and that man--" Booker grabs the mic "Mr. Long, Mr. Long, I wanna thank you and I graciously accept--" "Hold on just a minute, playa, I got news for you. You ain't acceptin' ANYTHING. Now I wanna know, DID I CALL YOUR NAME? Did I ask Booker T to step forward? Well let me tell you something, Booker T, you been hatin' on SmackDown ever since you been here, playa. So, I'll say this to you, why in the HELL should I give you anything, now ya tell me dat? Lemme, lemme say something, Booker T, here's what's gonna happen here tonight. This is a LAND of opportunity, nobody is gonna give anybody ANYTHING. So what I'm going to do tonight, I'm going to make my first ruling, and THAT IS I will have, for the first time ever, and eight-man elimination championship match for the U.S. title. And you know something, all eight'a you, it's gonna be every man for himself, right here tonight in Cincinnati, now you better belie dat." Long leaves with the U.S. belt, and we go to
TONIGHT!: Kidman and London defend against the Dudleys!
UP NEXT!: Rey defends against the (Spike) Dudley!
commercials
Slam of the Week: Spike wins a #1 Contenders' match last week. Isn't that the slam of last week, then?
WWE Cruiserweight Champion REY MYSTERIO (175, San Diego,
CA) vs. SPIKE DUDLEY (150) for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship
Handshake to start. Circle, lockup, Rey gets a headlock. Spike throws him
off the ropes, ducks, leapfrogs, Rey leaps over a Spike monkey flip attempt.
Spike dropkick misses, so does one from Rey, and now the Staredown Of Respect.
Another circle, Rey gets an armbar, arm wringer, irish whip reversed, Rey grabs
the ropes and flips over the charging spike. Rey gets a waistlock, Spike elbows
out and Rey shoves him off. Spike takes offense to this, Rey's pissed about the
elbows, and they jaw at each other a little bit. Lockup, and both men spill
through the ropes to the outside. They stay locked up until the referee breaks
them up. Both men in and kick each other in the gut, neat. Spike clothesline
ducked, Rey with a forearm, forearm, irish whip, tilt a whirl backbreaker. Rey
with a crucifix-style cradle for two. Rey with that move where he puts a knee in
the back and pulls back on Spike's arms, standing now, irish whip reversed, Rey
ducks but turns around into a Spike shoulder ram. Inverted atomic
drop->clothesline combo gets two. Forearm to the back, irish whip to the
corner and Rey falls to the mat. Picks him up, forearm to the corner. Forearm,
irish whip reversed, Spike tries to flip over but Rey catches the legs, so Spike
headscissors(es?) him into the middle turnbuckle. Now the repeated steppings on
by Spike. Spike goes up top, but Rey crotches him. Rey with a forearm, going up
now, trying for the superplex. Blocked, blocked again, Spike with a few rights
to the ribs. Rey bent over, Spike going for the sunset flip powerbomb but Rey
holds on and starts punching him in the corner. Rey jumps off and charges into a
boot, Spike charges and tries a sunset flip, but Rey rolls through and dropkicks
him in the face for two. Irish whip, Spike holds on, boot to the gut, tries a
bodyslam but Rey slips behind. Rey with the waistlock, Spike with a back elbow,
another, a third ducked and Rey...pulls Spike's arm through his legs, flips him
over onto his back, and then rolls him up and cradles for two. Probably some
lucha move that Cubs knows the name of. Irish whip reversed, Rey Asai moonsault
hits absolutely nothing. Well, besides the mat. Spike tries the Oklahoma roll,
but it only gets two. Going for the Dudley Dog, but Rey irish whips out of it,
that gets reversed, Rey goes face-first into the corner and backs into a Spike
bulldog for two. Bodyslam by the corner, Spike up top, goes for the double stomp
but Rey kicks him in the face. Spike grabs his face then charges Rey, only to be
tripped in position for the 619. What, here's D-VON DUDLEY, arguing with
the referee near Spike. Meanwhile, Rey goes for the 619 and gets tripped by BUBBA
RAY DUDLEY, who quickly ducks back underneath the apron to avoid being seen,
haha. As Rey turns around to wonder what happened, Spike comes up from behind
and hits the Dudley Dog off the ropes, and at (06'25") we have a NEW
Cruiserweight Champion. Spike is elated and jumping around until he turns to see
his brothers. "WHAT DID YOU DO?" He's not quite as happy now. Replay
shows that D-Von slapped Spike and pretty much revived him in the process.
"I TOLD YOU! DON'T GET IT INVOLVED!" hahahaha Bubba says "PUT A
SMILE ON THAT FACE!"
Raw Rebound: A retard is more important than 60 (well, 55 or so) minutes of great wrestling
commercials
MOMENTS AGO: Spike won the Cruiserweight Title
DURING THE BREAK: Spike apologized to the half-conscious Rey
TONIGHT!: RVD vs. Cena vs. Haas vs. Gunn vs. Booker vs. Dupree vs. Suzuki vs. Luther!
RUSH
Official for SummerSlam: Undertaker vs. JBL!
We revisit last week for the reason that match is taking place.
Teddy Long is walking backstage as he passes THE SMACKDOWN DIVAS, who say hi and congratulate him. "Thanks, babygirls, lemme say this, glad to have ya'll back here on SmackDown. And one other thing, NONE OF YOU will ever be underutilized as long as Theodore R. Long is in charge. Now if you gotta problem, holla atcha boy. Holla, holla!" He goes back down the hall to a door that reads "SmackDown General Manager, mine! Mine mine mine!" He walks into the empty room, turns on the lights, and there's KURT ANGLE, NOT CRIPPLED. "Whaddya doin' here, playa? What's wrong with you, you stealin' stuff? Who ya hidin' from? You runnin' from da po-lice, you hidin' from somebody?" "Hiding? Who'd I be hiding from?" "Well, Eddy Guerrero for one." "I'm not hiding from Eddy. I came in here...to get my stuff. But I guess Luther already packed it for me." "Well, you should be leavin', right?" "Hold on. Then I started reminiscing about how great of a General Manager I was. Everything I did was for the greater good. The end justified the means. And I don't apologize for one damn thing that I did. You know something, Teddy, this might--" "Now, hold on just a minute, playa. Now you get it right, the name is Theodore R. Long, ya feel me?" "Alright, I'm sorry, Theodore. This may--surprise you, but I'm not envious one bit of you being the General Manager of SmackDown. In FACT, if it were up to me, I woulda had ya succeed me as General Manager anyway." "You don't say?" "Oh yeah. And that would actually make you the first ever black General Manager of SmackDown." "Hey. Wait just a minute, wait just a minute. You mean to tell me, after all these years, I--" Long checks his hands and arms "I didn't even know I was black! You mean I'm black? GET OUTTA HERE!" "I was just saying--" "What you're just saying that is this, Kurt, that 'first black' stuff went out in 1985. Now Vince McMahon didn't select me because I'm black, Vince McMahon selected me because he knew I was the best man for the job. Vince McMahon selected me because he knew that I would make the right decisions to make SmackDown the best show ever. Now, speaking of decisions, I think I'll make one right now. You're in a match tonight, Kurt." "A match?" "That's what I said." "You're putting me in a match?" "That's what I said, playa." "I can't go out there in front of those people. They're gonna chant 'You Suck' louder than they've ever chanted before." "And?" "They're gonna boo me out of the building. Look at me, I'm an emotional wreck, in my emotional state...I can't--be held responsible for my physical actions." "You don't say." "I forgot my wrestling gear." "Don't have any gear, right?" "No." "Forgot your gear." "Forgot my gear." hahaha Kurt slaps his head "Well, I guess if you don't have any gear, I, uh, can't put you in a match, right?" "Yeah, you're right." "Well, there's one thing I can do, Kurt, I can fine you some dolla dolla bills, you know, like 1000 of 'em--" "Whoawhoawhoawhoa a thousand dollars, for what?" "I'll tell you for what. First thing you said, you didn't bring any gear, so you didn't come to work prepared. Now I've had it with you, so lemme say one other thing, next week, there will be no excuses, you WILL be in a match and it makes no difference to me what state you're in. Now the best thing for you to do, Kurt, is to get up outta my office, in other words, GET TO STEPPIN'." A brief staredown "OUT." and Kurt leaves.
UP NEXT!: The Dudleys get their Tag Team Title rematch!
commercials
Aw, c'mon, you know his name by now. HEIDENREICH HEIDENREICH Loyal to no one else but me. I WILL NOT BE DENIED. I WILL PAY MY DEBT OF GRATITUDE TO PAUL HEYMAN PAUL HEYMAN HE BELIEVES IN ME a menacing machine of destruction NO ONE CAN STOP ME NO ONE NO ONE HEI DEN REICH HEI DEN REICH HEI DEN REICH HEIDENREICH
WWE Tag Team Champions PAUL LONDON and BILLY KIDMAN
(415) vs. THE DUDLEYS (543, New York, NY) for the WWE Tag Team Championship
SD cameras caught up to the tag champs earlier tonight: "You know, Billy,
since we've become tag team champions, it seems like everything's changing.
We're turning heads, people are opening their eyes." "Yes, we've
opened their eyes. But now, we have to get their respect and we have to earn it
every night we go out there and defend those titles, starting...TONIGHT!"
London and D-Von start, the latter begins with a shove. London retaliates with a
slap, and D-Von comes right back with a kick and some clubbing rights. Irish
whip to the corner, London flips over and gets an armdrag. Second armdrag
blocked, so he kicks D-Von in the gut and takes him over in a rana. Dropkick
gets two. D-Von tags Bubba, lockup. London gets the headlock, but Bubba picks
him up and throws him over towards Kidman. Crowd wants tables, so Bubba yells
"SHUT UP, YOU AIN'T GETTIN' NOTHIN'!" Kidman in now, circle and
lockup. Bubba with an armwringer, yelling "GONNA BREAK YOUR ARM,
BILLY!" as he drives it into the mat. Kidman flips out of it and reversed
to an armbar. Bubba irish whips him off, tries the Bubba Bomb, but it gets
blocked and Kidman irish whips him into an armdrag. Holding on with the armbar,
but Bubba stands up and drives Kidman into the corner. Clean break? No, right to
the gut, right, right, right. Kick to the ribs, picks Kidman up and irish whips
him into the opposite corner. Kidman tries to flip over, but Bubba catches the
legs only to get headscissored. Bubba walks into a London right, and turns into
a Kidman armdrag, and another. D-Von runs in and gets a back body drop. London
runs in with a running knee on Bubba in the corner, and the champs wail on the
Dudleys in the corner. Kidman springboards off of London onto Bubba with a
stinger splash, double kick to the gut on D-Von, and they try the same to him
until Bubba pulls Kidman down by the hair. London turns around and gets
blindsided by D-Von, who throws him out of the ring. Bubba picks Kidman up and
tosses him out, too. At at (03'27"),
commercials
We come back as D-Von has a camel clutch on Kidman. Kidman stands and elbows out of it, off the ropes, sunset flip gets two. D-Von clothesline ducked, D-Von flying elbow not and it gets two. D-Von with the neck vice. Kidman tries to fight out, but D-Von rakes the eyes. Going for a bodyslam, but Kidman slips out and gets an enziguiri. Both men down, Kidman gets the tag to London. D-Von clothesline ducked and London knocks Bubba off the apron. London with a right on D-Von, another, another, stiff forearm, another. Irish whip reversed, but London still gets a big clothesline to stagger D-Von. Dropsault (CALL IT COLE!!!!!!) on D-Von knocks him down, ditto Bubba. Kick to the gut on D-Von, irish whip to the corner reversed but D-Von charges into a back elbow. London on the second rope, mushroom stomps D-Von face first into the corner. D-Von turns around, leg lariat, cover broken up by Bubba. Bubba kicks Kidman off the apron, and punches London in the head., Bodyslam, about to go for Wazzup until Kidman crotches D-Von. Bubba comes over, his right is blocked, Kidman hits one of his own. London takes Bubba out with a spinning heel kick, and both tag champs go over to the top turnbuckle. Double superplex! It only gets two, though. Each champ with a stomp for D-Von, off the ropes, but Bubba trips Kidman and pulls him out. London is distracted, and turns around and OHHHHH eats a big D-Von clothesline for two. Bubba in now, double irish whip, going for 3D but London holds onto the ropes. Kidman dropkicks Bubba out of the ring, but D-Von punches London in the face. Kidman with a plancha that mostly misses (not sure if it was supposed to either way) as D-Von wails away on London in the corner. Bubba grabs a steel chair and is about to use it outside when OUT OF NOWHERE here's Rey Mysterio springboarding off of the guardrail to dropkick it in the face. In the ring, D-Von clothesline is ducked, but he tries a vertical suplex. Blocked, London reverses into a small package, and that's three! (04'40", 08'07" total aired) Replay of Rey's attack.
IVORY is at the DNC with MICK FOLEY, who eloquently states why people need to vote. So vote.
EDDY GUERRERO is backstage, with a lowrider full of something under a sheet, as well as a mischievious grin. He's driving to ringside, and we'll see what he has planned after
commercials
Tonight!: 8-man elimination match!
VIVA LA RASA, why here's Eddy Guerrero. SummerSlam: him vs. Angle! "ORALE, CINCINNATI! Now Kurt, I know you're feeling a little embarassed, esse, humiliated, I mean I would too if I got fired the way you did last week. I mean, gettin' on your knees, begging for your job, orale homes. But I got good news for you, esse, that's not quite as embarassed as you're gonna feel come August the 15th, at SummerSlam when I whip your (ass). Now I know you can hear me, esse, I know you're in the back listening, so I'll tell you what, WHY WAIT? Let's take care of it tonight! C'mon, Kurt, c'mon, man. Orale, Kurt, you know what, I kinda knew that you weren't gonna come out. So I got a little enticement, homes. Orale, homeys, guys, come on out, man. Unload the car. C'mon, unload the car, please. I got a little surprise. Lemme explain it to you." They unload it, and it's cardboard boxes full of Angle's stuff "As I was walking past Kurt's office, I kinda, no I did, I saw everything so nicely packed and being ready to be thrown out, so I couldn't help it. I gotta confess something. I stole it." :-D "Now, now Kurt, Kurt Angle, I'm not a greedy man, esse. I'm always willing to give back what I stole, all ya gotta do is come out and claim it, FACE TO FACE." still no Angle "What I gotta do to get you out here, esse? What, you don't even want your stuff? IT'S NICE STUFF! You know what, esse, you don't want it, do you? You don't, you don't care about this. What, you know what, you're right. Let's give it to someone else. I'll tell you what, Kurt, I'm gonna put all your stuff on auction on WWE.com. Of course, all the proceeds go to charity, 'cuz we're all good people, aren't we, Kurt? I know you got a good heart, esse. I mean, LOOK AT ALL THIS GREAT STUFF! Look at this, WE GOT A FALSE CAST! Here's Kurt Angle's cast, you can pretend you're hurt, you can tell all your friends you're hurt and pretend and then you can MAKE THEIR LIFE A LIVING HELL! Orale, buy the ca--oh my God, can we throw in a free can of Lysol with this, man? Gee...let's see what else we got here, how can we forget? Look at this, it's beautiful! Wouldn't this look good in your living room? It's a championship...framed...thingamadiggy. It's got Kurt Angle's face and Paul E., you can put in your living room, you can put it in your...I dunno, kinda looking at that, I think I would put that in my bathroom, it kinda makes me feel like going every time I see it. Orale homes, check it out, a red white and blue wheelchair. Ooh, it's comfy. Good wheel action. Hey you know what, whoever gets it, I'll call my cousin Chuey and we'll put some hydraulics on it, orale! Then you can call all your mamacitas and go hey mamacita c'mon let's take a ride. Lookit all this great stuff, oh man, now I don't know about this, I mean who's gonna want a picture of Kurt Angle? That's worthless. Now, let's not--I have an idea! We can make it mean something! Hey, you got a Sharpie? Gimme a Sharpie. He gets one, writes something, and turns it around. Now Angle has a spit curl, a moustache, and a speech bubble saying "I suck!" "YOUR VERY OWN 'I SUCK' KURT ANGLE PICTURE! What? What's this? Haha, we'll I'll be damned." Uh oh it's the medals "Yeah-ha, this'll make a pretty penny. Hey, hey, I'll tell you what, instead of auctioning this off on WWE.com, why don't we auction it off between us here in Cincinnati. Who wants to buy some gold medals, orale? 25 cents, 25 cents? Orale, mamacita, 50 cents, oh yeah. A dollar! A dollar! Orale, going once, going twice, sold for--" "Eddy, Eddy, Eddy." Yep, it's Angle. "Put the medals down and get the hell out of that ring." "Put your medals down? You want me to put your medals down? Nah, esse--COME GET 'EM." "I got another idea, Eddy. You wanna steal some of my stuff, how about I steal something of yours?" Angle eyes the lowrider "I could use a good car right about now." "Hey hey that's my lowrider, don't touch my lowrider." "WAS your lowrider, Eddy." Angle steps in "Kurt, I wouldn't do that, esse, I wouldn't do that, I'm serious. I've devised an anti-theft device in there, esse. Don't hurt yourself, and get OUT of the lowrider." "Nice try, Eddy. See ya later, homes." Angle turns the key and...gets a face full of powder (or cocaine)! "I TOLD YOU! You thought I was lying? Now that's embarassing. I couldn't imagine of a more embarassing night, nononono, I know how to top this night--play Kurt Angle's music!" Eddy leads the crowd in a rousing rendition of "You Suck" as Angle stews. Eddy puts the medals on and stands on the turnbuckle "ORALE, CINCINNATI!"
commercials
REPLAY: Powder in the face
NEXT WEEK!: Kurt Angle in action! I hope he doesn't break Scotty II Hotty's ankle again.
NEXT WEEK!: Spike/Rey vs. the Dudleys!
ON VELOCITY!: JBL in action! (against SHANNON MOORE! THINK OF THE BUYRATES! THEY'LL SKYROCKET TO A 0.9 RATING!)
And now, a historical perspective on JBL. I'll type the voiceover, there are corresponding images throughout:
THE FOLLOWING IS PRESENTED BY THE FRIENDS AND FANS OF JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD
John Bradshaw Layfield was born into a large, hard-working family, to proud American parents. He was a gifted child, an honor student and natural athlete who exemplified the charactersistics of good sportsmanship and hard work. But life wasn't easy for the young man. At an early age, he worked two jobs to help support his family. Even working part-time and going to school full-time, John Bradshaw Layfield took time out to do community service as a member of the Boy Scouts. John was a popular student and friend to everyone in high school. As a football player, John Bradshaw Layfield garnered award after award for his tough, determined play on the field. Even severe injury couldn't keep John Bradshaw Layfield out of action. This spiritual team leader taped up his broken leg and displayed TREMENDOUS intestinal fortitude by valiantly playing in the final two games of the season and leading his team to victory. You can break his body, but never his spirit. John Bradshaw Layfield took his skills and drive for football to the pro ranks, but the desire for one-on-one competition and individual glory smoldered deeply until that passion became a burning obsession. And the only place John Bradshaw Layfield could quench that competitive thirst was in the ranks of professional wrestling. From the gridiron to the squared circle, John Bradshaw Layfield's unstoppable drive led him to win several prestigious titles. The Mexican championship, the Korean championship, the NWA Tag Team championship, the European championship, and finally his quest culminated with the most honored title in all of sports entertainment--the WWE Championship. John Bradshaw Layfield, a man who takes time out of his busy schedule to meet the people of this great nation. Many times, John Bradshaw Layfield went behind enemy lines and into harm's way to entertain our men and women in the armed forces. He is a true patriot. John Bradshaw Layfield--generous, compassionate, a self-made millionaire, an outstanding athlete, and a courageous WWE Champion that you can be proud of.
ROB VAN DAM (230, Battle Creek, MI) vs. JOHN CENA (248,
West Newbury, MA) vs. BILLY GUNN (entered during commercial break) vs. CHARLIE
HAAS (entered during commercial break) vs. KENZO SUZUKI (w/Hiroko, entered
during commercial break) vs. LUTHER REIGNS (entered during commercial break) vs.
RENE DUPREE (entered during commercial break) vs. BOOKER T (weight and hometown
announced during commercial break) in an Elimination Match for the WWE United
States Championship
As you can tell from the above, in the middle of the entrances were
commercials
Oh, throwback of the week: Cincinnati Reds (but the green jersey), #41, Tom Seaver. Haas and RVD start, circle, lockup. RVD with a headlock, Haas irish whips him off but gets shoulderblocked. RVD off the ropes, Haas ducks but turns around into a wacky leg rollup for two. Spinkick ducked, and Haas gets a deep armdrag and another. Armwringer, RVD looping right ducked and Haas schoolboys him for two. Haas with another armwringer, RVD flips out and gets a kick to the gut, and puts Haas in a headlock. Haas throws him into the ropes, and Dupree trips him from the apron. RVD stands up to confront him and Dupree slaps him on the chest, and that's a tag. Dupree is holding onto the ropes and backing away to avoid RVD, so Haas slingshots him in. Dupree begs off but punches Haas in the gut. Clubbing right, another, irish whip. Back body drop telegraphed so Haas kicks him in the head, beautiful dropkick by Haas for two. Armwringer, Dupree punches out of it. Big chop knocks Haas down, two count. Dupree picks Haas up, vertical suplex blocked and Haas small packages him for one. Dupree with a kick to the gut, takes Haas to the turnbuckle and jaws with Cena. Dupree right in the corner ducked, Haas comes back with a kick to the gut and a right. Irish whip to the corner, Haas charges into Dupree's boot, and Dupree goes to the second rope. Dupree jaws with Gunn a bit, so Gunn shoves him off, and that counts as a tag. Haas with an exploder, but as he gets up Gunn catches him with a Famouser for three at (03'06"). Dupree gets up and backs up into Gunn, then begs off, and at (03'23") we go to
commercials
We come back with Dupree flapjacking Gunn for two. Dupree mounts Gunn with punches, and then decides to do the French Tickler. Off the ropes, but Gunn sweeps out his legs and stomps away. Irish whip, baaaack body drop. To the corner, Gunn with a right, right, right, Luther tags himself in. Punch to the back, reverse spinning neckbreaker DDT puts Dupree out at (01'27", 04'50" total aired). Luther points to Cena, and Cena he gets. Cena charges Luther into the corner, right, right, Cena shoved off but comes right back with rights until he gets shoved off AGAIN and hit with a big boot. Forearm to the throat, two count. Stomp, stomp, stomp, camel clutch position, crossface, crossface. Kick to the gut, release butterfly suplex for two. Rear chinlock, Cena fights out with elbows. Right, right, Suzuki tags Luther as Cena knocks Luther out with a running shoulderblock. Cena follows him out and Suzuki blindsides him only to get punched down. Luther charges Cena, but gets thrown into the post. Hiroko tries to attack Cena with...either chopsticks or a folded up fan, so Cena plants one on her and does the Icky Shuffle. So Suzuki blindsides him with the belt for the DQ at (04'05", 07'28" total aired) and starts choking him. And at (04'31", 07'54" total aired), we again go to
commercials
We come back with Booker throwing Cena headfirst into the apron. Booker throws Cena in and follows. Armwringer->crescent kick to the face, picks Cena up. Right blocked, Cena with a right, right knocked Booker down and he tags in Gunn. Gunn charges in with a clothesline, stomp, stomp, stomp. Picks him up, fisherman suplex AND HE ACTUALLY BRIDGES! for two. Another cover, two. Cena with a right to the gut, another, to the face, off the ropes...into a sleeper. Stop saying "rear naked choke", Tazz. Cena finally stands back up and gets a back suplex. Both men up, Cena with a right, right, right, irish whip, clothesline almost takes Gunn's head off, off the ropes, shoulderblock. Kick to the gut, awful DDT that I blame completely on Gunn. You can't see me, Five Knuckle Shuffle gets two. Irish whip, Gunn holds on and gets the One and Only! Cover, two count. Gunn setting up, here's the corner splash that never hits, F U! One, two, get the fuck out of here Billy Gunn at (03'47", 11'41" total aired). And heeeeeeere's Luther with a big spinebuster for two. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Bodyslam, off the ropes, jumping kneedrop gets two. Rear chinlock time. Cena stands up, elbows out, knee, knee, off the ropes into a clothesline. Luther gives the thumbs down, goes for the powerslam/sideslam but Cena slips out, Luther turns around, F U! And that's it for Luther at (05'33", 13'27" total aired). Booker in now, trading rights until Booker gets the advantage with a knee. Irish whip reversed, Cena clothesline caught, BOOK END! One, two...kickout! Kick to the gut, going for the axe kick, but Cena kick him in the gut, DDT! Booker pops up and then staggers down into the corner and tags RVD. RVD in with a clothesline, another, forearm, irish whip to the corner, roundhouse kick. Shoulder, shoulder, backflip, northern lights for two. Stomp, head to the turnbuckle, kick to the face. Front powerslam, split legged moonsault for...two! RVD picks Cena up, Cena gets a right, right, irish whip to the corner but Cena charges into a boot. RVD up top, thrust kick to the face. Booker goes onto the apron and grabs RVD, but RVD knocks him off, although we can see that the referee counted that as a tag. RVD up top, five star frog splash! And Booker slides in for the cover on Cena, and gets three at (07'47", 15'41" total aired). Then as RVD gets up, AXE KICK! That's it at (07'55", 15'49" total aired)! Your NEWWWWW United States Champion, Booker T! Replays affirm RVD knocking Booker off the apron as a tag. Booker celebrates going up the aisle as we fade to black.
Long as GM should be entertaining, if hard to transcribe due to his quick rate of speech. Main event was booked quite well, continued existence of Billy Gunn notwithstanding. They even rebuilt RVD pretty quickly in the process, neat. Not that I like him all that much, but still, impressive. Maybe it's just me, but I don't find this to be bad TV at all. Alright. Until next time, SEACREST OUT.