WWE SmackDown! - 07/22/04
by Tom Feely

hi!

TV PG D L V W W E

Last Week, Kurt Angle didn't screw Eddy Guerrero, El Gran Luchador screwed Eddy Guerrero

hey yo it's my life my wtf Billy Gunn

We are two days later than LIVE from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania! Your announcers are MICHAEL COLE and TAZZ!

We begin with MR. KURT ANGLE being wheeled out by Luther. He gets into the ring, has a crutch, and has a microphone. "There's been a lot of talk about my actions last week on SmackDown! I have been called a liar, a con artist, and quite frankly, it hurts. Because you people have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I'm an extraordinary human being, capable of doing extraordinary things. In case you forgot, I won an Olympic gold medal with a broken neck. And last week, when I saw Eddy Guerrero, who I DESPISE, who brings shame and disgrace to this company, who was about to regain the WWE Championship, I SUCKED IT UP, SET ASIDE MY PAIN, and did what I had to do to make sure it didn't happen." Eddy Eddy Eddy "I DID THE IMPOSSIBLE. Do I believe in miracles? Yes I do." Angle pauses for the Eddy chants now. "And sure, afterwards, I regressed. My doctors told me that my actions enabled me to further damage my knee. My therapist told me that I risked permanent paralysis. But it was worth it. It was worth it for the greater good, to maintain Kurt Angle's SmackDown! Where men are rewarded by morality. Where men like John Cena are stripped of the U.S. Championship. Where men like John Bradshaw Layfield stand tall as the WWE Champion. A SmackDown! where Eddy Guerrero becomes obsolete." Eddy Eddy "I could fire Eddy on the spot. But I'm a decent man, so I'm not gonna do that. But there's one thing that Eddy Guerrero has to do. He has to come out here, and he has to convince me to keep his job. PROVIDED that he begs for it. If Eddy Guerrero gets on his knees, and BEGS, in front of me, for his job back, I promise, as General Manager of SmackDown!, I will let him keep his job. But it's gotta be good. And it's gotta be sincere. And I'll show you what I'm talkin' about." Angle turns to "Tony, would you come in the ring? And bring your microphone." He does so. Staredown. "In case you don't know who this man is, this is our ring announcer and Philadelphia's own TONY CHIMEL." cheers for Philly (or Chimel) "Mr. Chimel is of great significance to me, because was the ring announcer at my last match, Wrestlemania XX. The match where Eddy Guerrero CHEATED to win. And the last image that keeps going over and over and over again in my mind is TONY CHIMEL, with a smile on his face, announcing 'And the winner is...Eddy Guerrero.' Now Mr. Chimel, in case you didn't know, when you CHEAT, you don't win. Which makes you a LIAR. And IN MY BOOK, that's immediate grounds for dismissal. Whoa whoa whoa, what, are you sayin' I'm a liar? Is that what you're saying? No? I'll tell you what, Tony Chimel, I can fire you on the spot, but I'll tell you what. If you can convince me to keep your job, I'll let you have your job. Go ahead." "Kurt, I--" "Whoawhoawhoawhoa. Knees. On your knees." Chimel kneels. "Mr. Angle, I sincerely apologize if I offended you in any way. Please. Just lemme keep my job. Please." "Are you kidding me? You call that begging? SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT." "Mr. Angle, please, PLEASE. I have a wife and three kids--I, just wanna have my job, please." "Alrightalrightalright. That was good. Much better. Actually, that was REALLY good. But not good enough. Tony Chimel, YOU'RE FIRED. NOW GET OUTTA MY RING! GO! NOW!" He goes. So sad. "I'm sorry, but Tony Chimel's not a very good beggar. But don't worry, people, because SOMEONE will be begging for their job tonight. And THAT MAN...is Eddy Guerrero."

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TONIGHT! John Cena vs. Luther Reigns!

TONIGHT! JBL's "Rocky" Challenge!

CHAVO GUERRERO (213, El Paso, TX) vs. JAMIE NOBLE (200, Hanover, WV) vs. SPIKE DUDLEY (150, homeless) in a Triple Threat Match for #1 Contendership to the WWE Cruiserweight Title
JOSH MATHEWS is your new ring announcer, and he pronounces Guerrero "Gi-rare-oh". Hoo boy. LAST THURSDAY: The Dudleys won their little brother a match. Noble takes Spike around the waist, but Spike gets a right to Chavo and pushes Noble into the corner. Chavo breaks that up, however, with a right to Spike's back, and three more. Knee to the gut times three. Noble laying in with stomps in the corner, now Chavo doing the same. Noble puts an excalamation point on it with a big stomp to the head. Double irish whip, Spike slides under Chavo but gets caught in a Noble waistlock, Chavo goes for a clothesline as Spike ducks, taking out Noble instead. Spike with a right, irish whip, inverted atomic drop, dropkick. Stepping on Chavo in the corner, and turning right into a Noble kick in the gut. Noble with a right to the head, irish whip, Spike gets a flying headscissors. Chavo takes Spike out with a clothesline, and Noble pulls Chavo off of Spike, angry about Chavo hitting him before. So Chavo knees him in the gut, right to the face, European uppercut. Irish whip, Chavo with a dropkick. Cover broken up by Spike at one. Spike snapmares Chavo and steps on his face. Picks up Noble, forearm, irish whip, clothesline for two. Chavo with a European uppercut to Spike, irish whip, reversed, Chavo holds on and brings Spike up in the electric chair, then drops him face-first. Chavo flips Spike over, grabs the leg, elevated single leg Boston Crab. Noble dropkicks Chavo in the face and takes him into the corner. Chop, right, right, elbow to the head, kick, kick, kick. Irish whip, reversed, Noble tries to flip over, but Chavo catches him and sends him all the way to he outside. Ow. Spike rolls up Chavo and grabs the tights, but only gets two. Chavo with a clubbing right, another, European uppercut, irish whip reversed, and Chavo realizes "Hey! I don't have to rebound off!" and takes out Noble with a suicide dive. Nice. Spike goes up top, and as both men get up, PLANCHA! Spike throws Chavo in and climbs up top again, but Noble punches him down. Chavo punches Noble in the face to knock him down, then hits Spike. Going up top for a superplex, Noble rolls in and comes behind Chavo. Shot to Chavo's back, now he has Chavo up in the electric chair aaaaand back. Spike follows that up by hitting the double stomp while Noble's still down, neat. Cover, two. Spike with a forearm, irish whip reversed, but Spike shoulders Noble in the gut. Spike goes off the ropes again, and runs RIGHT into a snap powerslam by Noble, which only gets two thanks to Chavo. Chavo stomps Noble, picks him up and gets another European uppercut. Knees him into the corner, irish whip reversed, Chavo ducks the clothesline, grabs a side waistlock, and takes him over in a side salto suplex! Sweet. Cover gets broken up by Spike at two. Spike headbutts Chavo, right in the corner. Chavo with a knee, but Spike fights back with some rights. Irish whip, Chavo holds on, kick to the gut, Chavo has him up for the backbreaker or Gori Bomb but Noble kicks him in the gut. Noble off the ropes, straight kick to the face! Just like Chono from WCW vs. The World. Noble with a forearm to Spike, another, another, scoop but Spike slips out. Spike with a kick to the gut, goes for the Dudley Dog but gets shoved into the corner. Noble gets the double underhook, but Chavo comes off the ropes with a forearm to the face. Chavo turns around, Spike with a kick to the gut, Dudley Dog hits! And that's three at (05'40"). Spike Dudley is your #1 Cruiserweight Title contender, and that was a nice little match.

SMACKDOWN LIVE IN JAPAN, let's see what crazy kinds of Japanese people we see. There's Japanese Undertaker. Girls in frog hoods. Japanese Taker, Japanese Heyman, Japanese RVD, Japanese ECW Spike Dudley, and Japanese Rey Mysterio doing the French Tickler, which might be the awesomest thing ever. Girl in cocked John Cena hat, adorable. Yep.

Kurt Angle is in his office with TORRIE WILSON, MISS JACKIE, DAWN MARIE and SABLE. Hello Torrie's tits. "Kurt, I mean, there has to be something else we can do. I mean the four of us." "Alrightalright ladies, what is it I can do for all of you?" "Well, you know, Kurt, we've all been talking, and...all we wanna do is just ...do more on SmackDown!, that's all. It's not asking for that much." "Lately, it feels like we have been overlooked and even underutilized." "Yeah, exactly." "We all have so much more to offer." "A lot more." "All of us love performing in front of the SmackDown! fans, and lately you just have not given us that opportunity." "Right Kurt, we totally miss the fans. All of 'em." "Okay ladies, ladies, you're right, you're right, okay. Personally, I'm sorry. I have been overlooking you, okay? And you ARE of great value here on SmackDown! And you know, tonight, I'm gonna give you all the attention that you deserve. Because you girls deserve that. Tonight for the first time ever, I'm gonna make it Torrie Wilson vs. Sable vs. Dawn Marie vs. Miss Jackie in a fatal four-way match." "No way. Are you serious?" "Whoa whoa ladies, not just that. But a fatal four-way LINGERIE match." They aren't happy about this. "Thanks, Kurt." That was sarcastic, see? By the way, it was Jackie/Kurt/Dawn/Sable/Dawn/Sable/Jackie/Sable/Torrie/Kurt/Jackie/Kurt/Dawn.

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BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (w/D-Von Dudley, 310, New York, NY) vs. WWE Tag Team Champion BILLY KIDMAN (w/Paul London, 215, Allentown, PA)
Cole hypes an announcement of who will do the SummerSlam theme song. I hate this new Kidman/London music. Kidman shoves Bubba before the bell rings, hahaha. Lockup before the bell, and Bubba takes Kidman to the corner. Clean break? No, shove, Kidman shoves back. Lockup again, Bubba with a headlock, Kidman irish whips Bubba out of it. Bubba shoulderblocks Kidman down, however. Bubba elbowdrop misses, and he stands up into a Kidman armdrag. Lockup again, Bubba takes Kidman to the corner. Chop on the break misses, Bubba turns around into another armdrag. Kidman with a clothesline, another, off the ropes, clothesline ducked, Kidman with a rana sans cover. In the corner, shoulder, shoulder, right, right, right, just flailing away now. Irish whip reversed, Bubba charge meets boot. Kidman charges, Bubba gets a BIIIIIG spinebuster. Bubba picks Kidman up, bodyslam. Falling headbutt by Bubba. Now with the neck vice. Kidman tries to stand out of it, but gets headbutted. Bubba swats away London, picks Kidman up, and slaps him. Kidman turns around into a right, forearm, forearm, forearm, Bubba with an eyerake. LOUD open-hand chop, right, irish whip, clothesline ducked, Kidman with a dropkick. Cover, two. Bubba with another eyerake, going for a back suplex but Kidman flips out, shoves Bubba into the corner, and hits an enziguiri. Kidman up top, perhaps setting for the Shooting Star, but as the referee yells at Paul London, D-Von shoves Kidman off. London chases D-Von to the back, while in the ring Bubba hits the Bubba bomb for three. (03'47"). Bubba leaves as London comes back in.

TONIGHT!: Will Eddy Guerrero beg for his job?

TONIGHT: Lingerie match!

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LAST THURSDAY: Luther Reigns costs Cena a match.

"This is FUNAKI, SmackDown! #1 announcah. Tonight I here Kur Angle's office reporting on very special announcement." "Excuse me, if you're done butchering my language. I brought you in here, because finally there's someone here on SmackDown!, a superstar that I can be proud of. And his name is BOOKER T. Booker, please join me." Here he is, looking fly in street garb. "Now Book, you're everything I want in a superstar here on SmackDown! You're professional. You're a sharp dresser. And nothing would make me prouder than to present you with the United States Championship." "You for real, dog? You talkin' about makin' me, Booker T, the United States Champion tonight? That's what you sayin' man?" "Yes and no. Listen, Book, technically I can't do it just yet. But immediately after the show, I'm gonna have a meeting with the directors of the board, and by next week, you'll be the new United States Champion. But tonight, just for old times' sakes, I'm gonna let you hold the title. Oh, it's true." "Thank you." "Oh, you're welcome." Booker leaves with his(?) title and Funaki interjects. "Hey! Mistah Angul! Das not fair! Dasnotfair!" "Not fair? You're tellin' me that's not fair? I'll tell you what's not fair. The fact that you're a broadcast journalist and you can't even SAY broadcast journalist. Go ahead, try and say it." "I-I'm the SmackDown numba--" "Nonononono, not #1 announcer, say broadcast journalist." "Bl, bload, bloadcast, cast?" "You know what? You're a disgrace to this microphone. You're a disgrace to my SmackDown! Funaki, I'll tell you what's fair. You're FIRED." Angle kicks Funaki out of his office, and that's that.

Spike Dudley is drinking water backstage. "Spike? Spike? Where is he, there he is. What's happenin' bro?" Yes, it's the Dudleys. "Look at you, the numbah one contender to the cruiserweigh--come on bro, put a little smile on that face." "Stop, what do you guys, what do you want?" "We're happy for you! We're happy for you, I'm happy for me, I just beat Billy Kidman, and listen, next week, me and D-Von get a chance at the WWE Tag Team Championships one more time. NINETEEN TIMES. This family, we're doin' great right now." "Whaddya want?" "Spike, look, you would not have gotten a title shot if it wasn't for us." "Wait wait wait stop it, last week I told you I didn't want your help in the ring, you came down anyways." "We gave you the ticket--" "Stop interfering in my matches, I told you that! It's simple!" "Alright, listen. take a deep breath, relax. Listen, we wanna make a little deal with you, no problem. We won't interfere in your match with Rey Mysterio if you make us a little promise." "What kind of promise?" "Very simple. You don't interfere in D-Von's match tonight." "I won't interfere in D-Von's match." "Perfect. I'm glad you see it our way." "Great! I told you, I don't want anything to do with that." "Promise?" "Yes, I promise." "Cool, because tonight, D-Von goes one on one...with the same guy that you're gonna wrestle next week for the Cruiserweight Championship, your good friend Rey Mysterio. See ya bro."

Here's the Rocky statue. Here's JBL next to it. He points up...awesome, the statue is wearing a cowboy hat! The "Rocky" Challenge next!

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TONIGHT!: hot 4-way lesbian action

TONIGHT!: Will Eddy Guerrero beg for his job?

dingdingdingdingding mooooo it's JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD, in his limo. He shakes hands down the aisle, of course. EARLIER TODAY, JBL visited the Philadelphia Stock Exchange and showed off his belt. Sign: JBL STINKS LIKE BULL CA-CA. Clever. Sanitizing the hands, and now JBL has a mic: "PHILADELPHIA! Home of the Liberty Bell, City of Brother Love. Home to where the Constitution of our founding fathers was written right here. Home of Benjamin Franklin and Betsy Ross, and now being visited by another great American, John Bradshaw Layfield. I have solidified my place in wrestling history. Last week, I participated and won what has been called by many experts the GREATEST steel cage match in wrestling history. Thank you. And I want you to know, in a city that needs a champion, I am willing to be your champion. I participated in a match that was barbaric, brutal and intense, just like Philadelphians love, and that's why you people love me. That's why the Friends and Fans of JBL is an every-growing organization, and it--shhh. You can hear 'em right now, from Madison Square Garden to the Pond, right here to the Wachovia Center, if you can be quiet--the echoes, JBL...JBL...J-B-L! In a city that needs a champion, I will be your champion, because, after all, I have made it to the top, whereas your Philadelphia Eagles are the perennial bridesmaids of the NFL. I have been a law-abiding citizen all my life, whereas your Philadelphia 76ers need to be patted down and sent through an x-ray machine just to walk into this arena. And the Philadelphia Flyers--I'm sorry, hockey's a Canadian sport anyway, I don't watch it. But in a city that's famous for one thing besides JBL being here, famous for a hero in cinema. A guy that personifies toughness and grit. The "Italian Stallion" Rocky Balboa. Well tonight I'm gonna issue a "Rocky" challenge. C'mere young man, c'mere, c'mere." The camera shows that at ringside there's SOME DUDE IN RED TIGHTS that Scott informs me is ECWA's Mike Kruel. "C'mere, son. I have chosen this young man--in the ring--because he personifies Philadelphia youth: truant, probably addicted to drugs and alcohol, and very poor." bahahahahahaha "But I'm gonna give him an opportunity, young man. An opportunity that if you beat me tonight, you can live the American dream, just like I do. At SummerSlam, you will wrestle me, JBL, for the WWE Championship. Good luck, son." handshake, here's the match:

JOHN BRAD$HAW LAYFIELD (no weight announced, New York, NY) vs. DUDE IN RED (no weight announced, Philadelphia, PA) in the "Rocky" Challenge Match
JBL fails to use the hand sanitizer, gasp. Lockup, JBL pushes Kruel to the corner. Clean break, wait no chop, right, right, boot, stomp. Irish whip to the corner, follows up with a BIG clothesline. Big back suplex. Tazz tries to sell the upset as Cole kills the angle. Fuck you, Michael Cole. Elbowdrop, another, three. Picks Kruel up, fallaway slam. Puts the cigar out on his back, there's the big powerbomb. Splat. One raised arm in the air, picks Kruel up. Off the ropes, LARIAT. Goodnight. (01'41") That was a pretty awesome lariat.

"Well I guess the young man won't be goin' to SummerSlam unless he buys a ticket. And of course, being the main event, it's sold out. So perhaps he can watch it on pay-per-view. I'm sorry the "Rocky" challenge didn't work. I'm even more sorry that I don't have an opponent for SummerSlam. So I guess I'll just go myself and watch. Because it turns out, that there is NOBODY, and I mean nobody worthy enough to wrestle me--"

Whoops, there go the lights. BONG. Tazz says the hair on JBL's back is standing up, and the spotlight shows that to be true. His back hair can do tricks like Vince McMahon's ass. And here's THE UNDERTAKER. Taking about three minutes to walk to the ring. du du du du fast forward. Taker just stands there, staring at JBL. "I-I didn't know you were back there. I didn't--had no idea. Why are you lookin' at me? At SummerS--I ain't scared of you." JBL advances a step but moves back when Taker does the same. "Holdonholdon, I'm respectful, I'm respectful, I didn't say I was scared. Look, I know what I said about SummerSlam, but I've already got a match, I was gonna announce it later, okay? Okay, listen, okay, 'snot, 'snot you, I'm sorry, ga-, ge-, get somebody else, I'm busy SummerSlam. It's JBL versus.....SHANNON MOORE. Think about it. He's a young, good-lookin' guy, girls love him. Some guys do too I hear, but that's okay, that's their business, alright, not mine, theirs. And a rich, good-lookin' guy like me, think about the BUYRATES we're gonna do, it'll be through the roof! You're gonna have girls-- Why are you starin' at me? Look, I'm the WWE Champion, okay? Two time All-American at Abilene Chris..tian. Alright, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna give you an easy out. 'Cuz you're a legend, great champion, not like me BUT GOODgoodgood. I'll give ya a count of three, and I'll let you leave right now. Okay? One. Two. This--this is your exit, it's a graceful exit, you just leave and we'll forget all about it. Okay? Alright. Now if I see three, I'm gonna jump on you like white on rice. TWO AND A HALF. ALRIGHT, DAMMIT. THREE. YOU WANNA FIGHT, YOU GOT A FIGHT, WE'RE GONNA DO IT RIGHT NOW. You hear me? Okay, on second thought, I'm gonna leave, get you an opponent, I--I'll be back later." JBL goes to leave, but OH instead he throws a right, and--gets choked. Chokeslam, and Scott is right, he DOES take that well. Especially for a big guy. Taker grabs JBL's arm and puts the microphone by his mouth: "YOU. ME. SUMMERSLAM." Taker steps over JBL, picks up the belt, looks at it, then drops it on JBL before leaving. Replay of the chokeslam. Taker leaves, and so do we.

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The huge news about the SummerSlam theme song: IT'S "SUMMERTIME BLUES" BY RUSH!

His name is Heidenreich. HEIDENREICH. HEIDENREICH. He's been feared his whole life. I don't play well with others. What I want, I take. Tired of waiting for my chance. I have a vision for HEIDEN-HEI-HEIDENREICH. I've met a man of vision A VISION FOR ME. This man will benefit from my wisdom at everyone's expense. HEIDENREICH no one can stop me. I will NOT be denied. My time is now. HEIDENREICH. I will be merciless. I will show NO remorse for those I victimize. VICTIMIZE. HEIDENREICH HEIDENREICH HEIDENREICH

Okay.

TORRIE WILSON vs. DAWN MARIE vs. MISS JACKIE vs. SABLE in a Fatal Four-Way Lingerie Match
Miss Jackie has her own music now, I forget if she used Rico's last time. Off comes the robes, and hey! It's tits! And asses! And Kurt Angle. He may be crippled again, but I bet his ERECTION isn't. He wheels out with a mic: "Ladies. Before you begin, there's something I need to say. Now, I've taken to heart the fact that you feel overlooked and underutilized. And I have to say, there's been a major misunderstanding. See, you say that you've been underutilized. Well I say that you're plain USELESS. I mean, what purpose do you serve? Wrestling in your lingerie? Nobody wants to see that. What was I THINKING? So ladies, I'm gonna spare you the indignity of wrestling in your underwear OR begging for your jobs. Because as of now, you no longer have jobs. Ladies, the four of you are FIRED." Dawn and Jackie are yelling angrily as Torrie stands there, stunned. Oh, and Sable acts badly.

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MOMENTS AGO: Torrie Wilson (and the other Divas) were fired, and backstage, Billy Kidman cried in Paul London's arms.

D-VON DUDLEY (w/Bubba Ray Dudley, already in ring) vs. WWE Cruiserweight Champion REY MYSTERIO (175, San Diego, CA)
Next week, Linda and Foley will be at the DNC. Thank you Josh for telling me this is non-title. SATURDAY: Rob Van Dam vs. Rene Dupree on Velocity! Tazz proclaims it a rocketbuster. Rey throws his shirt at Bubba. Circle, lockup, D-Von pushes Rey to the corner. D-Von holds the break a little long on Rey's face, so Rey kicks him in the leg. D-Von with a knee, clubbing right, another. Right to the face, irish whip. Rey slides under D-Von, but D-Von turns around and kicks him in the gut. Another irish whip, clothesline ducked, Rey tries an Asai moonsault, D-Von moves out of the way, and Rey lands on his feet only to be knocked down with a shoulderblock off the ropes by D-Von. D-Von picks Rey up, irish whip, Rey tries the flying headscissor but D-Von just powers it through all the way to a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Picks him up again, irish whip to the corner, and Rey falls to the mat. Bubba yelling away, of course. Irish whip to the corner, same verse as the first, only Bubba in Rey's face now. D-Von picks Rey up, jawbreaker. Sitting cobra clutch by D-Von. Rey elbows out, D-Von clubs him down. Irish whip to the corner, Rey hits face-first. D-Von with a forearm to the back, and he sets Rey backwards on the top rope. Going up, Rey blocks the back superplex and punches D-Von off. Rey turns around, seated senton but Rey grabs his knee. D-Von clothesline ducked, Rey with a kick to the leg, right, right, right, irish whip reversed, clothesline ducked, and he steals AJ Styles's asai moonsault inverted DDT (whatever Styles calls it, if he has a name for it) for two. right, irish whip, D-Von holds on and kicks Rey in the gut. D-Von tries a bodyslam, but Rey slips out of it only to get clotheslined for two. Rey rolls out to the apron, so D-Von joins him there and...tries to powerbomb him off? Rey punches out of it and ranas D-Von into the ring, however. Rey trips D-Von to hang him on the second rope, going for the 619, and as the referee runs out of the way, Bubba trips Rey. Hahaha clever. But wait, here's London and Kidman beating down Bubba, much like...a Mexican and a Jew would do. Sure. We'll pretend Kidman's all fired up about his wife. In the ring, D-Von suplexes Rey and heads to the top. As the referee yells at London, Kidman pushes D-Von off the top. Rey with a dropkick into the second rope, 619! Springboard, big splash for three at (04'29"). The announcers to try to sell this as an upset, no. Turnabout is fair play for the Dudleys, too.

RAW REBOUND: Next week, a HHH/Benoit Iron Man that Eugene will surely decide the winner of. And Batista tries to kill Benoit with many kicks to the head. What, no Diva Search?

TONIGHT!: Will Eddy Guerrero beg for his job?

UP NEXT!: Cena vs. Reigns!

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MOMENTS AGO: the last match happened

NEXT WEEK!: Rey vs. Spike for the Cruiserweight Title!

NEXT WEEK!: Tag title rematch!

JOHN CENA (248, West Newbury, MA) vs. LUTHER REIGNS (290, Phoenix, AZ)
Throwback: Philadelphia Eagles #99 Jerome Brown. Cena is carrying WWE Thunderstix and gives them to two kids, how nauseating. "Yoyo YO YO YO. You see that right there, you see that orange sign right there? Yeah, Angle done stole mah belt, but THE CHAMP IS STILL HERE. I SAID THE CHAMP IS HERE." Actually, you just said the champ is STILL here "THE CHAMP IS HERE IN PHILADELPHIA." Cena Cena Cena Cena "And I finally found out why Kurt Angle is so mad at me." DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH SHITTING? "His wife's cheatin' on him with some double-A batteries. So he makes me wrestle Luther, I'm s'posed to be real scared? He's stuck to Kurt's (ass) more than Kurt Angle's wheelchair. It's the City of Brotherly Love, but those two are carried away. Those dudes are so close, they're gettin' married today! I want y'all to take a real good look at Luther Reigns. That ain't a moustache, those are Kurt Angle poopy stains!" Poopy. Ha. "C'mon, break up this honeymoon between Kurt and his spouse. Go and wipe your feet, (bitch), this is MY house."

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Alright, let's try this again.

JOHN CENA (248, West Newbury, MA) vs. LUTHER REIGNS (290, Phoenix, AZ)
LAST WEEK: Cena threw Luther through a wall. Luther with a kick and a right right away, kick, right, right, irish whip, BIG boot. Cena rolls out of the ring, Luther follows him and throws him face-first into the post. Throws Cena back in, rolls in and covers for two. Camel clutch position, crossface shot. Another, and a third. Cena with a right to the gut, a right right right right off the ropes into a big clothesline. Picks Cena up, kick to the gut, nice release butterfly suplex. Cover, two count. Luther plants a knee in Cena's back and bends him back with a chinlock. Cena slides out, now it's a reverse chinlock. Cena stands and elbows out, Cena off the ropes and into a spinebuster. Luther with the You Can't See Me, off the ropes, kneedrop misses. Cena with a right, another, another, off the ropes, clothesline staggers Luther. Off the ropes, flying shoulderblock knocks him down. Sidewalk slam, two count. Irish whip to the corner reversed, Luther charges into a boot. Luther clothesline ducked, Cena gets a big back suplex. U Cant C Me, Five Knuckle Shuffle barely gets two. Pumping up the sneakers, charging clothesline in the corner. Irish whip doesn't work, and Luther pulls Cena the other way...crushing the referee in the corner. Luther with a double axehandle to Cena's back, scoops Cena up, and Cena slides out and gets a kick to the gut and a DDT. Pumping up the sneakers again, and here's Booker T with his belt in street clothes. Cena jaws at him as Luther ambushes him and gets a big back suplex. Booker on the apron, signals to Luther to pick Cena up. Luther has him in a full nelson, Booker prepares the belt and swings, but Cena ducks, and Booker hits Luther instead! Oh, cruel fate. Cena knocks Booker off the apron and covers Luther for the duke at (04'49"). Cena is happy, Booker is angry, and Luther is probably still on the mat.

UP NEXT!: Will Eddy Guerrero beg for his job?

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Angle's in the ring with a crutch as we come back. "Suffice to say, the last match has left a very sour taste in my mouth, but that's okay. Because now is the moment we've all been waiting for. SOMEONE is gonna beg for their job. And I've been a very patient man, Eddy. I've given you all night long to think about things. But really, what's there to think about? Either you come out here and you beg for your job and you keep your job, or you DON'T come out here, you lose your job, and you go BEGGING in the streets. At least my way, you won't be cleaning windshields for a living. So for your own good, Eddy Guerrero, I'm ordering you to come out here right now, because you're about to learn a very valuable lesson, that being you don't cross the boss." Angle waits and...what? That's the music of...yes, it's VINCE MCMAHON. AND OH SHIT HE'S SWAGGERING Handshake, and Vince of course has a mic: "You know, Kurt, I know this is somewhat of a surprise, but, uh...you and I have a similar philosophy, y'see, I believe in well of no one should cross the boss. And y'know, Kurt, it seems like that, uh, you're enjoying throwing your weight around here. Seems like you're enjoying FIRING people and making people grovel and beg for their jobs, Kurt. Seems like you're enjoying pulling the wool over everybody's eyes, huh? Yeah. Oh, I've gotta admit, Kurt, I mean, I think the vast majority of us felt that you were actually, legitimately hurt. Yeah. Oh you fooled us. You fooled all the SmackDown! fans. You fooled your fellow superstars, you fooled the board of directors, by God, you even fooled ME. There's an old expression, Kurt, it goes kinda like this: You don't fool with Mother Nature, but it's career SUICIDE to fool with Mr. McMahon. Kurt, I must say, you've fallen into my disfavor, and you don't know this, but I was about to be nominated for a humanitarian award this year because it was obvious, as far as the General Managers were concerned, that Vince McMahon hired the handicapped." Kurt Angle, crippled, and Eric Bischoff, retarded. Oh wait that's not funny since they have an 'actual' retard NEVERMIND "But you're not handicapped, and I'm no longer gonna be nominated for that award. So Kurt Angle, I'm gonna have to ask for your resignation as General Manager of SmackDown!" Angle slowly gets down on one knee. "I can't hear you." "I have nowhere else to go, I AM a handicap. Mr. McMahon, if I don't have this job--I'll be JOBLESS!" Kurt Angle, master of logic. "I can't wrestle, I can't do anything! I'm in pain every single night!" "Are you BEGGING me, Kurt?" "Yeah. Yeah, I'm begging you. I'm begging you, Mr. McMahon, let me keep my job." "STAND UP! You make me sick, stand up, get up. I'm gonna tell you the same thing you told a lot of other people here tonight, Kurt Angle, YOU'RE FIIIIIIIRED." Oh man, what an awesome facial expression. Vince moves over to Angle and kicks the crutch out from under him. Then Vince picks it up and starts swinging at Kurt as he moves out of the way. "LOOK AT YOU! There's not a DAMN THING wrong with you! YOU CAN MOVE AS WELL AS YOU ALWAYS HAVE! So yeah, you're fired as General Manager, but you know what? As of this moment, you know what I'm gonna do? As of this moment, you are now back on an active roster of wrestling. Oh yeah. You're gonna wrestle, Kurt Angle. And at SummerSlam, it's gonna be Kurt Angle, one-on-one, with EDDY GUERRERO." VIVA LA RASA hey it is in fact EDDY GUERRERO in a lowrider. VINCE DOES THE SHIMMY ON THE APRON YES YES YES. Eddie stands up in the lowrider, leans on the windshield, then stands and shimmys. Angle takes off his suit jacket and is distressed. Vince goes over to the lowrider and appears to ask to get in as Eddy moves it up and down. Eddy makes it dip down on Vince's side, and he gets in. Eddy messes with the hydraulics as Vince becomes frightened and mouths "It's...nice." Angle is almost biting his forearm, and we fade to black.

Another good show, and Eddy-Angle should rule. JBL-Taker, not so much. Hey, maybe it'll at least be entertainingly awful. And quite frankly (1), I think I missed Vince McMahon. Although God help us (me) if Stephanie becomes GM again next week.

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