. Benoit/Kane wasn't that good (¾), and I gave the main on the benefit of the doubt, mainly since I don't give a shit about their vaguely defined issue.
WWE SmackDown! - 06/17/04
by Tom Feely
Okay, Bad Blood thoughts. I had Orton/Benjamin as the best non-main match at . Benoit/Kane wasn't that good (¾), and I gave the main on the benefit of the doubt, mainly since I don't give a shit about their vaguely defined issue.
TV PG D L V W W E
hey yo it's my life my time my suck it Karl Malone
And we're at one time LIVE from the Allstate Arena in Chicago, Illinois! Surprise, surprise, your announcers are TAZZ and MICHAEL COLE.
TONIGHT!: A preview of sorts for the Great American Bash as Rob Van Dam and John Cena face Booker T and Rene Dupree!
TONIGHT!: John Bradshaw Layfield will comment on the "worst week of his life", including being fired by CNBC!
TONIGHT!: Chavo Classic defends his Cruiserweight Championship against Rey Mysterio!
TONIGHT!: ...there's a cement mixer in the arena. Okay.
DUDLEY BOYZ (543, New York, NY) vs. WWE Tag Team Champions CHARLIE HAAS and RICO (w/Miss Jackie, 469) in a one fall contest for the WWE Tag Team Championship
Hahahaha w/Miss Jackie for 69. I bet. Charlie Haas almost goes up (down?) the runway with Miss Jackie and Rico, but no. Michael Cole points out the conspicuous absence of Paul Heyman, who Tazz says he saw in the building tonight. HMMM. Haas and D-Von start, circle, lockup. Haas with the go-behind and trip, takes D-Von in a headlock and rolls it over. On top of him, go behind, up and throws him down, Oklahoma roll for two. D-Von knocks Haas into a neutral corner with a right, another, another, another clubs him down. Picks him up, irish whip but D-Von charges straight into an elbow. D-Von clothesline ducked, Haas armdrag, dropkick. Scoop and a slam. Off the ropes, which Bubba Ray pulls down. Referee Charles Robinson is distracted by Rico, quite possibly preaching the values of the Lord and the sinning that is homosexuality, as Bubba clubs Haas down, throws him into the announce table and back into the ring. D-Von picks him up, elbow to the head. Clubbing right, picks him up again. Head to the turnbuckle, clubberin' him down in the corner. Headlock, over to the corner where he tags Bubba in. D-Von keeps the headlock on so Bubba can punch Haas in the gut, then holds him in the corner so Bubba can let loose with an overhand chop. Irish whip, Haas sunset flip, but Bubba just punches him in the head a few times, goes off the ropes, and comes down with two elbowdrops for a two count. Throws him into the corner, tags D-Von in, and beats down Haas with rights til D-Von enters the ring. Snapmare, rear chinlock. Light "we want tables chant", let it go. Haas fights out, irish whip held onto by Haas, who busts out a T-Bone Suplex, to honor the late greats Tazz, Perry Saturn, and Shelton Benjamin. Haas crawls over to make the flaming tag to Rico as D-Von tags in Bubba. Clothesline, clothesline, kick to the head, kick to the head, swinging hangman neckbreaker on D-Von, SPEAR! on Bubba for...oh, Robinson is busy getting D-Von out of the ring. Miss Jackie is ourtaged. Bubba has taken over control now with a right, and throws Rico out of the ring. Rico's favoring his left leg as D-Von throws him into the steps and throws him back in. Bubba takes Rico, who's hopping on one leg, into the corner, and D-Von comes in to double irish whip him into the opposite one. Bubba irish whips D-Von for an avalanche that misses, and Rico hits a clothesline on Bubba. Rico throws a right, but just collapses as Bubba kicks Haas in the head and off of the apron. Bubba with a right, suplex. Bubba has Miss Jackie by the hair, and Haas slides in and tries to hit Bubba, who moves, and, GASP!, Haas hits Jackie instead. As Haas mulls what he has done, Bubba gets him in a go-behind, which gets reversed into a german suplex. Robinson comes over to Haas and essentially tells him to go over to help Miss Jackie, and he...does so. Meanwhile, Rico limps over to Bubba in the corner, who rolls him up with his feet on the ropes, AND with D-Von holding down Rico's right leg which slipped free, and a three count later, we have the same old tag team champions. (05'02") The lack of any update on Rico makes this whole thing, really, well, queer. In the weird sense, not the Rico sense. Maybe Rico's a great seller or something. Still, very odd. Anyway, the Dudleyz take their belts and hug the applauding PAUL HEYMAN, who has made his way to the entranceway.
TONIGHT!: IN HIS OWN WORDS, JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD
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MOMENTS AGO: The Dudleys beat a crippled gay, and then hugged Paul Heyman
Heyman has a mic! "So the Dudley Boyz are the new WWE tag team champions, and that, ladies and gentlemen (1), is thanks to the motivational skills of Paul Heyman. Now you should be happy that you got to witness that piece of history tonight, because one man did not get to witness it. That man is Paul Bearer, because Paul Bearer is in, shall we say, protected custody. Which means LAST week, Paul Bearer missed it when history took a major, major turn."
We revisit last week's non-main event
"Why? Why would the Undertaker bow down in servitude to a man like Paul Heyman? Because I control the Undertaker's conscience. I control the destiny of the Undertaker's conscience, and that conscience, ladies and gentlemen (2), is named Paul Bearer." [you suck?] "Not nice to antagonize a powerful man like me, because, you see ladies and gentlemen (3), there will come a day where the Undertaker will realize that he should be loyal to me simply based on my greatness. But in the meantime, I have to come to the realization that the Undertaker feels for Paul Bearer. The Undertaker cares for Paul Bearer. And that is a weakness of the Undertaker that I'm willing to exploit. Because, ladies and gentlemen (4), even THE BIG DOG needs to be trained. So at the Great American Bash, I have arranged for the Undertaker to face, in a handicap match, the new WWE tag team champions, the Dudley Boyz. BUT, but, there's so much more. [walking towards the cement mixer] Because at the Great American Bash, ladies and gentlemen (5), I promise you the Undertaker will do the right thing. The Undertaker will do the right thing, or he'll find himself in a situation that for YOU is a must-see situation. I like to call "Live Free or DIE"." Heyman pulls back a sheet to reveal a coffin by the cement mixer. "You see, at the Great American Bash, there is going to be a crypt, represented tonight by this coffin right here. And this coffin tonight represents the crypt that I will have at the Great American Bash, and in that crypt will be the Undertaker's conscience, Paul Bearer. And also at the Great American Bash, ladies and gentlemen (6), there will be a cement truck, coincidentally just like the cement truck that you see right here tonight in Chicago, Illinois. The Undertaker, at the Great American Bash, will do the right thing, or at my command the cement will flow and Paul Bearer will find himself in a most terrible situation." The cement fills up the coffin, resulting in a most terrible situation. "Now ladies and gentlemen (7), much like when you go to a car dealership, and you drive a demo car, this is just a mere demonstration. Because at the Great American Bash, I am having a monstrosity built. First time ever you've seen anything like this. There will be a crypt that will be made out of three-inch thick glass, and it will be [reaches up to yay tall] yay tall and inside that crypt will be the Undertaker's conscience, Paul Bearer. Now the reason why the glass is three inches thick all the way around, and all the way up tall is so that each and every one of you can see in, but no one can bust Paul Bearer out. Now I promise you, at the Great American Bash, the Undertaker will do the right thing, or I will give the word, and that crypt will start to flow in the cement, and the cement will rise above Paul Bearer's legs, the cement will rise above Paul Bearer's torso, the cement will go all the way up to Paul Bearer's chin, and at that moment I will say STOP. Because at that point, I promise you the Undertaker will do the right thing, 'cuz I'm gonna wanna look at the pained expression on the Undertaker's face, I'm gonna wanna see emotion from the Dead Man. And if the Undertaker doesn't do the right thing, then I will give the word, and the cement will go over Paul Bearer's mouth, it will go over Paul Bearer's nose, it will engulf his eyes, it will engulf his head, and right before your very eyes, ladies and gentlemen (8), the Undertaker's conscience will be suffocated and will be no more. Now that's at the Great American Bash. I also have a demonstration for you LIVE here tonight. Because live here tonight in Chicago will be THE UNDERTAKER." yay! "Who will bow down at the feet of greatness, of Paul Heyman." Tazz will wonder throughout the show what the "right thing" is, so you know. Closeup of the cement-filled coffin, then
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TONIGHT! IN HIS OWN WORDS, JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD
VIVA LA RASA it's EDDY GUERRERO in a low-rider. He enters the ring, climbs a turnbuckle or two, [GREAT AMERICAN BASH: EDDY vs. JBL, BULLROPE MATCH!] and now he has a mic. Eddy chants. "ORALE MI RASA! VIVA CHICAGO, ORALE! Check it out, vatos locos, all last week, I was watching CNBC, you know, tuning in to try and see Bradshaw's program. Man, I was watching allll weeklong, and I didn't see him ONE TIME, I was wondering wha happened. And then I heard the rumor! I heard, John Bradshaw Layfield -- exactly, he go fired." YAY "That's pretty bad, gettin' fired, living through that, you know, having to go through all the shame of that. But then I-- I thought to myself, nonono, wait a minute, his week wasn't THAT bad-- I mean, after all, I did give him one hell of a LIMO RIDE, HOMES. IT WAS BETTER THAN DISNEYLAND. CHECK IT OUT!"
We ch-check it out.
"Know what, esse. I heard that you're schedule to come out and say something to Chicago later on. Well, ORALE HOMES, WHY WAIT? WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME OUT HERE AND SAY SOMETHING to ME?"
Why, that's the music of the BASHAM BROTHERS! Doug has a mic: "Hey, Eddy. HEY. ESSAY. You got more things to worry about than JBL. You've got some unfinished business with the Basham Brothers. Everybody knows that you cheated when you beat my brother Danny. But I guarantee this, holmes, you won't do the same thing to me.
WWE Champion EDDY GUERRERO vs. DOUG BASHAM (w/Danny Basham) in an impromptu bout
Doug charges right into a drop toe hold. Arm wringer by Eddy, elbowing the arm as a referee comes in and gets the timekeeper to ring the bell. Doug takes over with rights, but Eddy irish whips him into a back body drop. Doug falls in the corner, gets stood up and chopped. Right, right in the corner. Irish whip reversed by Basham, back elbow. Cole informs Tazz and the audience that last week SmackDown! was the #1 rated broadcast TV show for Hispanics. Basham with a kick to the gut, right, right, right, irish whip held onto by Eddy. Kick to the gut, suplex, going for a second, but Danny is on the apron. Eddy rectifies this by promptly shoving the referee into him, though this allows Doug to hit his leg lariat. Referee's down, so Danny sneaks in and the Bashams stomp away. Pick him up, and hit...YES! The Ball and Gag! Danny lifts Eddy upside down in a piledriver position, and Doug comes off the ropes to dropkick him in the head. Neat. Danny slides out as Doug covers for...two. Doug sits Eddy up and clamps on a chinlock, which Eddy fights out of. Clubbing right has no effect on Eddy, another doesn't, a third gets blocked, Eddy right right right right dance right. Los Tres Suplejes hit. Danny on the apron, gets kneed in the gut and thrown in. Knucklelocks Danny, walks the ropes, and armdrags him out of the ring while taking Doug over in a headscissors. Neat. Up top, frog splash, goodnight. (02'58") But wait, here's Danny with rights. Irish whip reversed to a kick to the nuts. DDT, up top, you get a frog splash too. Neat.
JOHN CENA is walking down the hall backstage, and enters the office of MR. KURT ANGLE. Without knocking, gasp. He turns to Luther: "CHUMBY!" then taps a song out on his belt before yelling "THE CHAMP IS HERE! [I think that was an Ali riff - thecubsfan] You wanted to see me?" Angle opens his mouth, but Cena cuts him off with "YOU CAN'T SEE ME! Everybody knows that." "You know what, Cena, I just wanted to let you know that you will never one-up on Kurt Angle." "[shows off belt] I got one right here, it's right your level, check it out." "That's why I put you in this tag team match tonight, where your tag team partner is RVD." "It's okay with me, man." "Oh, I know it is. Because, you're only gonna have to get along with him for one night, because at the Great American Bash, it's gonna be every man for themselves in a fatal four-way." "I heard you last week." "BUT LISTEN UP CENA, it's not gonna be a one-fall match. The Great American Bash, the fatal four-way match will be an elimination match, which means not only are you gonna have to survive, you're gonna have to outlast RVD, Booker T, and Rene Dupree to retain the U.S. Championship." Cena cuts him off with...assorted noises. "Hold on, chill. Now I finally know why you hatin' on my game." "Oh really?" "It's not that you hate me." "Oh yeah I do." "No, you don't hate me. You don't hate the way I dress, you don't hate the way I rock my [shakes belt] jeeeeeeewelry. Deep down, I'm talkin' deep, you wanna be me. Nononono you wanna be John Cena, because your boy can walk the streets with his head up and he gets respect. Humpy, you can't even walk at all." "You better watch your mouth." "HEY HEY it's okay man, I'll tell you what, you not gonna be John Cena overnight, but I got something to get you started." He puts a cap on Cena. "Oh, by the way, [waves his finger in Angle's face] I'm not touchin' you, I'm not touchin' you, how's that for ya probation. I'll tell my P.O. you said hi." Angle stews and throws the cap off. "I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM, LUTHER! I HATE HIM! He's gonna lose his title."
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TONIGHT!: Rey Mysterio vs. Chavo Classic!
Backstage, FUNAKI (in Cena garb) and JOSH MATHEWS battle-rap for the title of SmackDown #1 Announcer, as Brian Hebner, Shannon Moore, and two tech guys look on. "Funaki, I'm always here, because I'm a trooper. So when it comes to announcin', man, I'm just plain super." Everyone laughs. To Shannon: "What, that was good!" "That was rotten." To Guy In Orange Shirt: "No, that was good." "That was embarassing." "Alright, go Funaki." "Dog, gimme a beat." Why yes, it's Brian Hebner, human beatbox. "I am Funaki, that's my name, numbah one announcer, you just lame. You don't scare me, I don't care, like Kurt Angle has no hair." Everyone backs off. "WORD LIFE!" And Funaki turns right around into Kurt Angle, crippled. "You think you're funny? What, you think you're John Cena?" Angle knocks the cap off of Funaki's head. "I think you're gonna have a match tonight. And I know just the guy. LUTHER. Now go get ready." Funaki does. "I want you to show the whole world why I hired Luther Reigns."
We take another look at the coffin full of cement. Yep.
KENZO SUZUKI (250, Land of the Rising Sun) vs. SPIKE DUDLEY (150, without a home :()
The geisha comes in and takes off Suzuki's robe this time. Spike circles, Suzuki stands there, then...looks away from his opponent. Turns around, lockup, knee, chop not as bad as last week, chop knocks Spike down. Spinning...chop. Irish whip to the corner, double palm thrust to the chest. Light "USA" chant. Vertical suplex for one. Sits him up, kick to the spine, off the ropes, kick to the chest. Spinning around, jumping kneedrop for two. Sitting armbar. Spike fights out with rights, but two by Suzuki stops that. Suplex blocked, clubbing right, suplex slid out of this time. Spike off the ropes, chop ducked, shoulder ram. Goes for the Dudley Dog, shoved off, nerve hold around the neck. Spike goes down to one knee, but Suzuki lifts him back up, faceclaw, STO, goodbye. (02'22") WHAT A JUDO TAKEDOWN!!!!!!
STILL TO COME TONIGHT!: RVD/Cena vs. Booker/Dupree!
UP NEXT!: John Bradshaw Layfield addresses the worst week of his life!
JOHN BRAD$HAW LAYFIELD is out, in a beautiful new limo, but without his signature smile. Oh, and with a Texas bullrope. "Most of you people are extremely happy that I just had one hell of a week. Not only do I get fired from CNBC, but Eddy Guerrero wrecks my limousine with me in it." YAY "And with Ronald Reagan, one of our greatest Presidents ever, passing away last week, all the media wants to talk about is me. YOU PEOPLE AND OUR MEDIA IN AMERICA ARE WHAT IS EXACTLY WRONG WITH AMERICA -- AMERICANS are what's wrong with America. YOU PEOPLE WANT ME TO FAIL FOR ONE REASON -- SHUT UP, I'M TALKIN'. YOU PEOPLE WANT ME TO FAIL BECAUSE WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, I'M THE ONE THAT THREW YOU IN YOUR LOCKER, I'M THE ONE THAT TOOK YOUR GIRLFRIEND, I WAS THE CAPTAIN OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM, I'M THE ONE THAT GOT EVERYTHING, AND IT HASN'T CHANGED ONE DAMN BIT NOW THAT I'M 37 YEARS OLD. I am RICHER than you people, I am BETTER-LOOKIN' than you people, and what makes you mad is THAT I HAVE A BACKBONE. THE WHOLE WORLD IS AGAINST ME RIGHT NOW. THE MEDIA HAS VILIFIED ME, CNBC HAS FIRED ME. AND WHAT MAKES YOU MAD, IS I WILL NOT NOT BEG FOR A DAMN THING. I WILL NOT CRAWL, I WILL NOT BACK UP. YOU CAN KNOCK ME ON MY (ass) BUT I WILL BE BACK, AND THAT MAKES YOU PEOPLE MAD 'CAUSE DESPITE EVERYTHING I WILL COME BACK AND I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL. IT IS WHAT I HAVE DONE MY WHOLE LIFE, AND THAT IS WHY YOU PEOPLE HATE ME. I WAS RAISED BY A MAN WHO HAD A BACKBONE. SO DO I. I CAME INTO THIS WORLD ALONE. I WILL LEAVE ALONE. I DON'T NEED A DAMN SOUL WITH ME. COME HELL, COME HIGH WATER. TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT, AMERICA. JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD IS RIGHT HERE AND I WON'T BACK UP FROM ANYBODY." boooo "AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU CAN GO TO HELL. A YEAR AND A HALF AGO, I WAS A GUEST OF THE UNITED STATES ARMY IN KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN. Where were you? Where were you? Where was our media? You weren't there, were you? I am an American. The night before, a soldier got killed in a firefight." Eddy chants as Bradshaw stews "A soldier got killed in a firefight, and what did our media cover? The fact that a man died a hero, defending our country? The fact that a man died preserving our freedom in a land he didn't wanna be in, thousands of miles away from his family? What are you booin', our American soldiers? Huh? That shows you what kind of American you are, you piece of garbage. OUR AMERICAN MEDIA COVERED ONE THING THAT WEEK, AND THAT WAS THE FACT THAT SEAN PENN, SEAN PENN WAS IN BAGHDAD AS A GUEST OF SADDAM HUSSEIN'S REGIME IN SUPPORT OF IRAQ, AND THEY CAST IT IN A POSITIVE LIGHT. THAT IS THE MEDIA THAT GOT YOU LIKE THE MINDLESS ZOMBIES THAT YOU ARE." boooo "Oh I've been to Iraq now, but I went as a guest of the United States government, IN SUPPORT of our troops. CALLING ME ANYTHING BUT A GREAT AMERICAN IS LIKE CALLING MOTHER TERESA A PROSTITUTE. I come back last week and find out that I am fired from CNBC. I left Fox News as a guy who appeared on there regularly to CNBC, with ratings that might as well be in the witness protection program, to all kinds of dreams, and all of a sudden after three weeks, they realize that I'm a wrestler. Oh my God, I've got a big mouth. Well you're DAMN RIGHT I got a big mouth, and there's nothing you nor CNBC can do about it. Y'see, I might as well as well take the Fifth Amendment, BECAUSE THE FIRST AMENDMENT DOES NOT MEAN A DAMN THING IN OUR SOCIETY ANYMORE." Eddy Eddy "Y'see, everybody loves free speech UNTIL YOU USE FREE SPEECH. I wondered why you people hated me, and now I know. Because I expose you for what you are. I am strong. Therefore you are exposed to the fact that you are weak. I am driven. And that exposes the fact that you are lazy, complacent, and take jobs you don't like because you don't have the guts to speak up. I have a backbone, and that makes you mad. People like ME, people like me are the ones that founded America. [JBL observes a Mexican flag] Put that foreign flag down, son, you're in America. OUR FOUNDING FATHERS ARE ROLLING AROUND IN THEIR GRAVE RIGHT NOW AT THE PATHETIC EXAMPLE OF AMERICANS THAT YOU PEOPLE HAVE BECOME. I am a window, a mirror that makes you look into your own souls. And you don't like what you see. You hate me because I reveal what you are. Well at the Great American Bash, I'm gonna go one step further. I am going to become WWE Champion for one reason, and that is to SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROATS. EDDY GUERRERO, EDDY GUERRERO, this is past personal. Do you even KNOW what a bullrope match IS? There is a REASON they don't do bullrope matches anymore. BLOOD is gonna flow LIKE A RIVER. THIS WILL MAKE JUDGMENT DAY LOOK LIKE A CARTOON. EDDY GUERRERO, YOU HAVE COME TO REPRESENT EVERYTHING I HATE ABOUT AMERICA. EDDY GUERRERO, YOU PERSONIFY WHAT I ABHOR. These people like Eddy Guerrero because Eddy Guerrero asks nothing of 'em. I CONDEMN, I CONDEMN--LISTEN TO ME, I CONDEMN YOU PEOPLE FOR YOUR LAZY AND PATHETIC LIVES. YOU ARE UNDERACHIEVERS, AND I SAY YOU ARE WRONG, yet you hate me because of it. Well Eddy, if I have to destroy myself to destroy you, then by God in Heaven, BY EVERYTHING HOLY, THAT IS WHAT I WILL DO. BECAUSE I DON'T CARE IF IT'S YOU PEOPLE, I DON'T CARE IF IT'S CNBC, I DON'T CARE IF IT'S OUR LIBERAL MEDIA, AND I DAMN SURE DON'T CARE IF IT'S YOU EDDY GUERRERO, NOBODY, NOBODY CAN STOP ME FROM BECOMING WWE CHAMPION AND TAKING MY DATE WITH DESTINY." That was pretty awesome. But wait, here's Eddy! JBL takes over with rights, irish whip, clothesline ducked, Eddy with a flying clothesline. JBL rolls out of the ring as Eddy almost hits him with the bullrope, and the two jaw at each other as we go to
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Another shot of the coffin, then
REY MYSTERIO (175, San Diego, CA) vs. WWE Cruiserweight Champion CHAVO CLASSIC (w/Chavo Guerrero, 220, El Paso, TX) for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship
Cole discusses how last week Classic decided to have his son face Rey instead, and we get clips of exactly how that went awry. Circle, Classic kicks Rey in the gut, cinches in a hammerlock then around into an hiptoss. Taunts Rey, arm wringer, wrings it again, but Rey punches away. Classic irish whips Rey into the corner, and hits him with a kind of gut-wrench suplex. Classic...up top? HOLY SHIT CHAVO CLASSIC MOONSAULT FOR TWO. Rey DID steal his move. Tazz: "A man in his late thirties doing a moonsault off the top rope!" Classic picks up Rey by the arm, but Rey gets some kicks to the quads and punches. Classic still irish whips him, however, but charges into a boot. Rey flips up off the bottom rope and takes Classic over in a headscissors. Rey charges Classic in the corner, but gets thrown up and over onto the apron. Classic charges, Rey shoulder to the gut, springboard seated senton. Rey takes Chavo out, ducks a Classic clothesline. Classic gets a right, but gets tripped onto the second rope as he moves in for another, 619. Rey drops the dime, and after three Classic drops the belt. (01'49") That went as well as can be expected. Crowd and Rey celebrate, then Rey slides out as Chavo slides in. Chavo expresses outrage at Rey for defeating his father. Replays on the finish, and we cut to
Luther Reigns prepping backstage, which consists of shadowboxing and doing the Brock Lesnar Happy Dance.
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Mordecai is talking to his symbol in a room full of candles. "Before me lies a locker room full of sinners, blasphemers, and the obscene. None of them are worthy of your mercy. And all of them will feel my wrath. And one of them is the worst sinner of them all. He has the gall to call himself a champion. One who lies, cheats, and steals? He takes the values that we adore and throws them in the gutter from which he came. A liar, a cheater, a thief. He will suffer for his transgressions. And he will pay the price for his sin. For he will learn to hear me and fear me."
LUTHER REIGNS (w/Kurt Angle on a plaform crippled, w/o weight or home) vs. FUNAKI (already in ring, w/o weight or home)
Reigns enters the ring before an announcement can be made, you see. Oh, and he enters to Angle's TitanTron and music. Funaki gets a right, boot to the gut caught, clothesline. Luther pulls him up by the hair, crossface forearm, and three more. Picks him up, slides him halfway off the apron. Stomp, stomp, Luther goes outside, running boot to Funaki's head. Luther smiles at Angle. Funaki kicks Luther in the head, then stands up and gets a dropkick. Luther charges him in the corner and gets a boot, but Funaki charges Luther and gets a spinebuster, Ron Simmons style. Picks him up over his shoulder, powerslam--->sidewalk slam finishes it. (01'27") But wait! Luther gets a mic. "THAT is an example of what happens when you disrespect Kurt Angle. YOU have to deal with ME, LUTHER REIGNS." Luther goes to leave, but Angle stops him "Whoa whoa whoa whoa, Luther, Luther, whoa." He raises his fist, with the thumb to the side, then moves it to...thumbs down. Luther picks Funaki up, and hits him with an Angel's Wings/Roll of the Dice/Test Drive. Angle applauds as Luther leaves for real.
RAW REBOUND -- JR fellates HHH and HBK, Kane fellates HBK if by fellates you mean crushes his throat, HHH vs. Eugene next week, "1 2 3 PEDIGREE" is the best thing ever
TONIGHT!: John Cena and Rob Van Dam vs. Booker T and Rene Dupree!
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EARLIER TONIGHT: Rey avenged No Way Out by regaining the Cruiserweight Title (Cole even mentioned that, too) and the Dudleys regained the Tag Titles for the 18th time
AT THE GREAT AMERICAN BASH: Live Free or Die, Fatal Four-Way, Bullrope Match
Whaaaa it's TORRIE WILSON, in stars and stripes bikini and long red jacket. And Uncle Sam hat. And white high heeled boots. And pigtails. "The SmackDown! Divas want YOU at the Great American Bash! If you thought the summer break out bikini contest was hot, stay tuned, the Great American Bash is gonna get EVEN hotter. The SmackDown! Divas would like to OFFICIALLY invite you to come party with us ALL NIGHT LONG." WOO INNUENDO "And, as your official hostesses, not only are the Divas gonna make sure YOU have a good time, WE are gonna raise -- your -- body temperature." She lights a nearby barbecue grill and warms her hands and...rear by it and then leaves.
Backstage, Josh is with "BOOKER T, tonight you team up with Rene Dupree and take on the team of Rob Van Dam and John Cena." "Yeah, that's right." "But in just 10 days at the Great American Bash, you same four will be opponents in a fatal four-way elimination match for the United States Championship. Your thoughts?" "Y'know, I think it's a joke. I gotta be a in a fatal four-way mat---it should be me, and me alone competin' for the United States Championship, man. You know, I watched the tape of that Triple Play match with Cena last week. Man, that wun't no five minutes. Either the clock was sped up, you know what I think? I think the judge was French, I think he was just on sumthin', you know what I'm sayin'? That's another story, it's OBVIOUS to me, man, either he wanted either RVD or Rene Dupree to win, but, check it out, dawg, at the Bash -- what, what, you got somethin' to say, man?" Why, it's RENE DUPREE. "Calm down, Booker. Calm down. You know, it's sad to hear a former five-time WCW Champion blame his inability to win the U.S. title on the clock. When really Booker, be honest, you should consider yourself lucky to have another shot at the Great American Bash." "What? You know, YOU should feel lucky to have a second chance. You know what, man? You ain't even American. You know, besides, I wun't the one who got pinned by Cena last week, that was you, sucka." "Imightabeentheonetogotpinned, Booker, but consider yourself lucky to have me as a partner, you know why? Because nobody else on this roster can cut it, Booker. You better have my back. Because if you don't, you might find yourself on the receiving end of -- the French Tickler." "TELL ME -- he didn't just say that."
UP NEXT!: That tag match!
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ROB VAN DAM (230, Battle Creek, MI) and JOHN CENA (248, West Newbury, MA) vs. BOOKER T (256, Houston, TX) and RENE DUPREE (w/Fifi, 260, Paris, France)
As RVD comes out, we revisit last week, where RVD kicked Cena in the head. Cena's throwback is #34 for your Chicago Bears, the late great Walter Payton. Awwwww Fifi has a beret on. Dupree and Cena start, as Cena quickly clamps on a headlock. Pushed off the rope, Cena shoulderblock. Cena off the ropes, Dupree ducks, then leapfrogs, then turns around into a Cena right hand. Cena chinlock, now over to the corner where he tags RVD. RVD sunset flips in for two, then hits an inverted atomic drop and a spinkick to the face. Off the ropes, cartwheel moonsault press for two. Picks him up, to the turnbuckle blocked, RVD gets HIS head thrown into the corner. Dupree right blocked, RVD right, up top, thrust kick to the face, broken up by Booker at two. Dupree with an eye rake, then shoves Booker, who shoves him into a schoolboy for two. RVD dropkicks Dupree out of the ring, and Booker and Dupree shove each other and argue before both getting baseball slid in the face. And (01'57") in we go to
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We have returned! RVD dropkicks Dupree in the face, scoop aaaand a slam. Off the ropes, rolling...no, Booker kicks RVD in the back. Dupree with a big clothesline. Stomp, Booker tagged in. Booker picks him up, right, chop, right, chop, right, stomp stomp stomp stomp in the corner. Picks RVD up by the hair, irish whip, back elbow for two. RVD slowly pulls himself up, but gets snapmared. Booker off the ropes, kneedrop. Dupree tagged in, Booker holds RVD for a kick to the gut. Dupree with a bodyslam, and now...THE FRENCH TICKLER! Now off the ropes with an elbowdrop, broken up for two. Booker tagged in, and he thrust kicks RVD in the face for two. Rear chinlock as RVD tries and reaches for the tag, but is too far away. RVD fights out with elbow, but gets a clubbing right to the back. To the turnbuckle blocked, RVD kicks Booker in the head then makes the hot tag to Cena. Dupree tagged in, two clotheslines for him, one for Booker, irish whips Dupree into a baaaack body drop, and pumping up the sneakers. Takes Dupree up for the FU, but Booker kicks him in the gut. RVD in with rights for Booker, clotheslines him over and out. Dupree charges Cena and gets back body dropped out of the ring as well. Cena and RVD stare down, and as we cut to Dupree on the floor, they start trading rights. Dupree and Booker roll in and take over on their respective rivals with stomps and chokes and such, then BONG. The lights go out, and at (04'29", 06'26" aired) THE UNDERTAKER is suddenly in the ring. Choke for Booker, aaand...A BIG BOOT FOR CENA! Pulls RVD up by the hair, in the corner elbow elbow stomp stomp stomp stomp. Choke....slam. Taker don't like no wussy ponytails. And he don't like no rap music either, as he watches Cena stagger up, and then picks him up for...YES, the Tombstone Piledriver. BONG. And here's Paul Heyman, who displays the urn, and after a "You son of a bitch." look from the Taker, he eventually gets on one knee as he did last week. And much like last week, here is where we fade to black.
One last note, it should be mentioned that despite doing the logical thing and pitting him against arguably the most over face on the roster to get the "heel turn" over, Taker still got cheered. So yeah. Until next week!