WWE SmackDown! - 05.27.04
by Tom Feely

TV PG DLV WWE

Last Thursday, Eddie Guerrero collapsed! And that nefarious Bradshaw pinned him anyway. YOU KNOW WHO COLLAPSED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING? SHAWN MICHAELS. AND YOU KNOW WHO HE WAS FACING? OWEN HART. LET IT GO, VINCE. SO TASTELESS.

Right after that video package, we cut to the face of MR. KURT ANGLE, crippled. "As the General Manager of SmackDown!, I'm faced with difficult decisions each and every day. I'm responsible for the safety and well-being of each and everyone one of the SmackDown! stars. After what happened to Eddy Guerrero last week, I was forced to make a hard decision. I've decided that Eddy Guerrero will be here tonight, and Eddy Guerrero WILL be in action right here tonight. Eddy, as the WWE Champion, you've got a responsibility. To me, and to your fans. But as your boss, I have a responsibility to you as well. So I've arranged for EMTs to be present for your entire match. That way, Eddy, when you collapse -- I mean, IF you collapse, you can be taken to the hospital -- again." Boo? How evil, providing...medical assistance? Anyway, Kurt smirks, and we cut to

my life my time my HEY is that Shannon Moore

BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM and we are...not LIVE from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Your announcers: TAZZ and MICHAEL COLE.

TONIGHT! a first for SmackDown! in over four years: John Cena vs. Rene Dupree (w/Doug Basham, Danny Basham, Billy Gunn, Scotty II Hotty, Jamie Noble, Billy Kidman, Mark Jindrak, Orlando Jordan, Hardcore Holly, Rob Van Dam, Chavo Guerrero, Funaki, Sakoda, Shannon Moore, Paul London, Booker T, Nunzio, Rey Mysterio, Luther Rains, Johnny Stamboli, Akio, Chavo Classic, Rico, Charlie Haas, Spike Dudley and Theodore Long) in a LUMBERJACK MATCH for the U.S. Title!

BUT FIRST

ROB VAN DAM (230, Battle Creek, MI) & REY MYSTERIO (175, San Diego, CA) vs. THE DUDLEY BOYZ (543, New York, NY)
Cole calls this a "classic rivalry", which makes me want to punch him in the balls. He also calls Rey and RVD a hard team to prepare for due to their "unorthodox offense". Like leg lariats. Rey is wearing pastel blue, which, uh, no. Rey and Bubba start, crowd chants for RVD. Circle, lockup. Bubba shoves Rey into the corner. Cole calls Bubba "D-Von". Hoo boy. Bubba jawjacking at Rey as they both move to the center of the ring. Rey wants a test of strength. Bubba laughs, and raises his arm high to where Rey can't reach. So Rey steps on his foot and puts him in an arm wringer. Holds it on, Bubba still selling the foot. Those intense Dudleys. Bubba reverses it to one of his own, hammerlock, Rey grabs the head, goes up and then back down and over with a snapmare. Rey taunts Bubba, lockup again, Bubba pushes Rey to the corner and then beals him across the ring. Another arm wringer, now stepping over and sitting on Rey's back with an armbar. Out of it, now just holding his hand like a test of strength and taunting him. Rey comes back with some kicks to the gut, to the corner, springboards off the top turnbuckle with an armdrag. Bubba into the wrong corner, punched by RVD, and into an unorthodox leg lariat by Rey for two. Bubba crawls backwards to his corner and makes the tag to D-Von, and Rey tags RVD. RVD does some spin kicks in place, so D-Von locks him up and knees him in the gut. Serves him right. Clubbing right to the back, side headlock by D-Von. RVD tries to fight out into a top wristlock, but no go. RVD tries to fight out again, so D-Von lets go and gives him a few rights to the head. Irish whip to the corner, D-Von charges into an elbow. Spinkick caught, RVD tries that front enziguiri or whatever, but D-Von ducks it, so RVD sweeps the leg and rolls back into a sort of schoolboy for two. RVD up first, thrust kick to the face followed up by a standing moonsault for two. Up, back to the arm wringer. Rey tagged in, springboard thrust kick to the face. RVD with a few rights, then leaves as Rey comes back in again with a springboard rana (without pin). D-Von up, Rey charges, ducks a clothesline, and rams a shoulder into the gut of Bubba Ray. D-Von irish whip, Rey off the second rope, ocean cyclone bulldog. But Bubba comes in with a kick to the gut, powerbomb? no, Rey fights out with rights and another rana. Dropkick to D-Von's ass, he's on the second rope, 619? No, Bubba trips Rey on the way back, and knocks RVD off the apron. D-Von stomps away on Rey, but Bubba brings his attention to something in the stands. Why, that's PAUL HEYMAN, making his way down the ringside. D-Von chokes Rey with his boot as we watch Heyman come down and then go to break. (05'24")

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AND WE'RE BAHK! with Bubba punching Rey in the head from the apron. Cut to Heyman, then D-Von throwing Rey into the corner and then raining down on him with rights. He's clubberin' him, Tony! Picks Rey up, front headlock, tag to Bubba. Right to the gut, Rey down. Elbowdrop. Another. Sizing Rey up, a third elbowdrop. Falling headbutt. Picks Rey up, irish whip. Bubba telegraphs the backdrop, Rey with a sunset flip. Bubba tries to sit on him, but Rey moves in time. Rey crawling over to his corner, but pulled back by Bubba. Half boston crab, with illegal leverage by grabbing D-Von's hand as RVD unintentionally distracts the ref. Tag to D-Von, Bubba slams Rey's knee into the mat on the way out. D-Von with an elbow onto the leg, into a legbar of sorts. Rey tries fighting out, but D-Von just cranks back on the leg more. Rey up as D-Von still holds one leg and punches it, but Rey gets the enziguiri. Both men on their knees, Rey with rights. Both men up, D-Von with rights of his own. Irish whip, Rey off the second rope with a beautiful Asai moonsault. Heyman doesn't seem that happy. D-Von grabs Rey's leg and crawls to his corner, tag to Bubba, who drops a big elbow onto Rey. Taunting Rey, and punching him in the head. Tag back out to D-Von, double irish whip to the corner. Bubba irish whips D-Von, who misses a Stinger Splash onto Rey. Rey with a leg lariat on Bubba, but clutches the knee. Heyman nodding. Bubba claws to grab Rey's foot, but Rey crawls over and makes the tag to RVD. Clothesline on Bubba, one for D-Von, back elbow to Bubba, right to D-Von's jaw, D-Von back up, right, right, head to the top turnbuckle. Kick to the face, up and backwards off the second rope with a thrust kick. Up to the top rope, another thrust kick. One, two, broken up by Bubba. RVD with a forearm upside his back, punches D-Von who is now in the corner. Shoulder charge, shoulder charge, backflip, D-Von staggers out of the corner, northern lights suplex! One, two, kickout. Bodyslam, tag to Rey. They signal to each other. RVD off the ropes with a rolling thunder, as Rey drops the dime in stereo! One, two, again broken up by Bubba. RVD in with rights to Bubba in the corner, Rey with a Stinger Splash using Poetry in Motion setup. RVD with an enziguiri to knock Bubba out of the ring, and the ref tries to get RVD out as well. Rey irish whip to the corner reversed, charge hits boot. Dropkick to the back, and, yes, 619! Goes for the West Coast Pop, but as he springboards up, Heyman trips him and knocks him into the apron. He caught him on the upswing so it was one fluid motion right into it, nice. Bubba gorilla presses him and drops him onto the announcers table. RVD with a tope con hilo to take out Bubba, but Heyman throws Rey back into the ring behind the back of the referee, who was distracted by D-Von. D-Von with the cover, and that's all. (06'43", 12'07" total aired) Security tries to get Heyman out of there, but D-Von stops them. The Dudleyz take Heyman backstage as security stills gives chase.

still of Eddy Guerrero passing out last Thursday -- we'll revisit this NEXT!

Great American Bash promo with flags and wrestlers and...one last shot of troops on a tank. Let the great American tradition of bitching about Vince exploiting a war commence!

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The Dudleyz celebrate their victory. D-Von's man-titty hangs out, which is pretty disgusting. We hear Heyman arguing with someone outside. Bubba goes outside, tells them to "back off", and lets Heyman in. "FASCIST!" Take it away, D-Von: "Did you see that? Did you see that? They didn't rough you up or anything, did they? Are you okay?" "Hey, am I okay? You won a match!" "Damn right I did!" "You won the match!" "I won the match!" "Are you happy?" "I'm happy!" "Are you happy?" "I'M HAPPY!" "You should be happy!" "I'M HAPPY!" Heyman slaps D-Von across the face. D-Von no longer seems happy. He goes to slap Bubba, who catches it and holds Heyman by the face. "What the? Are you --" "What are you doing?" "I'm savin' your life, that's what I'm doin', Paulie! What the --?" "And I'm tryin' to get you your life. I'm tryin' to give you back your life." "WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? YEARS OF THIS CRAP, WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?" "You won a MATCH --" "YES!" "-- and you're HAPPY? You've been winning matches for eight years. You guys beat Eddy Guerrero. Did you main-event a pay per view? Did you? Huh? Did it get you a title shot against Eddy Guerrero? Did it?" "ENOUGH, PAULIE --" "NO, Bradshaw got the main event. You didn't get the main event. You didn't get the main event. What happened, Bubba? What happened? So you won a match? What does it mean? Where's the impact, Bubba? Where's the headlines? Bradshaw Layfield gets the headlines. What do the Dudleys get? Nothing. The same thing you've gotten for eight years, your names in the victory column. And what has it done for you, Bubba? What has it done --" Bubba re-tightens his grip on Heyman's face "How much money do you make?" "SHUT UP PAULIE, SHUT UP PAULIE!" "How much money do you make in the main event? You don't know. Cuz you're not the main event anymore. Cuz you don't make the impact, do you?" "WE MAKE IMPACT." "Let me give you some news. Do you think you're the only people in this locker room I talk to? Tonight, you pick a victim, and you make an impact. Even if that victim has to be me, or I'll find somebody to make that impact on you. Hey Bubba, call that bluff." Heyman leaves, the Dudleyz seem contemplative, and...that almost made me care about them. Good job, Heyman!

Michael Cole is in the ring. "Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been informed by General Manager Mr. Angle that the #1 Contender for the WWE Championship at the Great American Bash is my guest at this time. Ladies and gentlemen, JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD." ding ding ding ding here he is. Well, his limo. And there HE is. Smile for the crowd. "Mr. Layfield, before we get to the interview, I'd like to remind the fans, take them back to what transpired last week between you and the WWE Champion, Eddy Guerrero, first at Judgment Day in the WWE title match, then on SmackDown! last week, in the six-man tag team matchup. Let's take a look."

We do so.

Eddy chants. "Mr. Layfield, considering the severity of Eddy Guerrero's medical condition, many people that I've spoken with over the past week were appalled at your actions. The fact of the matter that you tagged yourself into the matchup, that you covered Eddy Guerrero, and then you forced the referee to count the 1 2 3 -- and as I stand in the ring here tonight, I need to ask you this question - after seeing that, what kind of a man are you?" JBL is shocked and disgusted. "Don't you EVER question my manhood, Michael Cole. I will slap you into next week." He grabs the mic, and sends Cole off. "I tell you what kind of man I am. I'm a businessman. A smart, very rich businessman. I see an opportunity, I SEIZE that opportunity. That's how I have made a FORTUNE on Wall Street. I see things most people don't. That is why CNBC loves me. That is why my radio show is the buzz of the industry. I hesitated before I pinned Eddy Guerrero because I did not know what Eddy Guerrero was up to. Would I take advantage of an injured man?" Pause. "HELL YEAH. And most of you wouldn't. That is what is wrong with America. YOU ARE WEAK. I -- AM NOT." boooooo "There is nothing, and there was nothing wrong with Eddy Guerrero. He was lying, just like his mother lied a few weeks ago at El Paso. Eddy Guerrero did not wanna take another beating from me like he took at Judgment Day, so he laid there. He laid there, like a lying, sniveling...coward. What a horrible representative as a WWE champion. He simply did not want another beating, so he LAID THERE, and let me pin him. The coward. The beating I gave Eddy Guerrero at Judgment Day has become legendary. Blood was pouring from Eddy Guerrero like water from a faucet. But guess what, Eddy? At the Great American Bash, what I'm gonna do to you is gonna be damn near criminal. And you know what makes me mad, is some'a you people out here. You're so damn simple-minded, you actually believe--" Eddy chants. "This isn't a sing-along, boy, SIT DOWN." Chants continue. "You actually believe -- You wanna cheer him so bad, you shoulda sent a card to his hospital room. Now SHUT UP, I AM NOT FINISHED. WHEN JBL TALKS, YOU LISTEN." booooo "Some of you people actually believe that Eddy was hurt. Are you STUPID or BLIND? EDDY GUERRERO LIES. That's what he was born to do. Eddy Guerrero took the WWE title, brought it in the ring at Judgment Day, and hit me with it for one reason -- to get disqualified because I HAD HIM BEAT. I BEAT EDDY GUERRERO. THAT WWE CHAMPIONSHIP IS MINE. Well, Eddy's games have now ended. Kurt Angle has told me that I, John Bradshaw Layfield, get to name the stipulation for the match at the Great American Bash. So I'm gonna take a week, and I wanna think about how I'm gonna beat Eddy. And I promise you this, Eddy, you, and all your fans, will like what I choose. Because this time, it's MY GAME. It's MY RULES. Think of the name of the pay-per-view, Eddy, it is the Great American Bash. I will bash you into oblivion, and I will GET WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE. I WILL TAKE THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP HOME WITH ME TO NEW YORK CITY." And now he's smiley again. For the fans. What a guy. I'm sorry, I think Bradshaw is kind of awesome.

TONIGHT!: Cena vs. Dupree! Lumberjacks! Yayyyyyyy!

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BOOKER T (256, Houston, TX) vs. SCOTTY II HOTTY (217, Westbrook, ME)
Cole says the Undertaker is here tonight. And next week, from Toronto, Canada, BOOKER T VS. THE UNDERTAKER IN A JUDGMENT DAY REMATCH! What news. Circle, Booker with a kick to the gut. Right, chop, right knocks Scotty down. Head to the corner. Irish whip, charge meets boot. Scotty with rights, irish whip to the corner, another, goes for a third but Booker holds on and kicks him in the face. Off the ropes -- kneedrop. Picks him up, irish whip, Harlem Side Kick ducked, Scotty with a flying forearm. Back elbow. Right, chop, chop, chop. Irish whip to the corner, Booker leaps over as Scotty charges, but Scotty comes out with a superkick for two. Off the ropes, bulldog ducked, kick to the gut. Scotty getting up, scissor kick. Thanks for showing up, Scotty. (01'52")

Booker has a mic. "Yo check it out. I know the Undertaker's back there right now. And I hope you're listening. Because next week, Undertaker, you and I, REMATCH. And check it out. It ain't gonna be nothing like Judgment Day. It's gonna be a whole lot different. See because I'm not afraid of the Undertaker. I'm not scared of all your little power. You see, next week..." and the lights go out. "What's the hell's goin' on?" BONG BONG the blue light and smoke "What the hell's goin on?" AHHH lighting hits a ringpost "THAT ALL YOU GOT, UNDERTAKER?" Apparently not, as lightning hits the other three. "Alright, so you are a little scary. But I tell you what, next week it's gonna take a whole lot more than lightning and a bunch of noise to beat me, because next week, I'm gonna BEAT the Undertaker. Next week, I'm gonna shock the world. NOW CAN YOU DIG THAT, SUCKAAAAAAAA"

And to make it official, a NEXT WEEK: UNDERTAKER VS. BOOKER T graphic.

UP NEXT: EDDIE GUERRERO IN ACTION!

And here's the trainer and EMTs coming to the ringside area, in case Eddy collapses again.

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SMACK OF THE NIGHT: Mordecai teaches Kidman and Akio to be...cruiserweights?

"MY CRUSADE HAS BEGUN. I HEAR YOUR VOICE AND IT RINGS IN MY HEAD LIKE GIDEON'S HORN. YOU HAVE LAID THE COURSE BEFORE ME, AND YOU HAVE PAVED THE ROAD OF RIGHTEOUSNESS WITH SINNERS. I KNOW YOUR WILL FOR ME. I WILL PUNISH THEM, I WILL MAKE THEM PAY FOR THEIR SINS WITH BLOOD, AND I WILL PURGE THEIR FLESH WITH PAIN. FOR I HAVE ALREADY CHOSEN MY FIRST SINNER TO FALL AT MY HAND." MORDECAI "MY CRUSADE HAS JUST BEGUN." ONE MAN CRUSADE...

DANNY BASHAM (w/Doug Basham, 245, Columbus, OH)vs. WWE Champion EDDY GUERRERO (228, El Paso, TX)
Eddy has another phat ride. Cole calls his efforts last week "galliant", which again makes me want to cause him physical harm. Unless that's actually a word. They also talk about how inspirational that Cheating Death, Stealing Life special was. That I missed. So sad. Eddy pushes the EMTs around and tips over their gurney. He doesn't think he'll need it. The EMTs leave, and Eddy comes in. Clothesline on Doug, rights to Danny until he's out of the ring. Doug charges, misses and falls out. Hey, that's Kurt Angle's music! Oh man, I hope he's decided to tag up with Eddy for some sort of medically impaired dream team. Oh, no, he's just popping out of his platform, crippled. "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Nice try, Eddy. I almost fell into your trap. But I was just tipped off, and I know what you're up to. I just realized that I'm not only responsible for your safety and well-being, I'm also legally responsible. And I know what you were gonna do tonight. You were gonna take on Danny Basham, and then you were gonna fake another injury, and then sue me. Well I'm not gonna allow you to do that to me, or to this show. You're not gonna wrestle tonight, or any other night. In fact, you will not wrestle again until you sign a hold-harmless release, which clears me of any liability should you get injured in the ring again. Now get the hell out of my ring." Danny Basham slides back in and gets some right hands for his trouble, then thrown out. He points at Doug, who seems scared. He beats his chest, then perches upon the second rope to watch out for Danny. Close up on Eddy's face, then

UP NEXT: Torrie Wilson and Spike Dudley vs. Dawn Marie and Jamie Noble! Uh...what?

This commercial tells me to give up my summer job and enter this $250, 000 RAW Diva Search for that money and a "one-year talent contract". Uh, okay.

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NEXT WEEK: SUMMER BREAK OUT BIKINI CONTEST: Torrie vs. Miss Jackie vs. Dawn Marie vs. THE RETURNING SABLE! Because nothing says "Summer Break Out" like Toronto.

TORRIE WILSON (w/o home or weight) & SPIKE DUDLEY (150, homeless) vs. DAWN MARIE (ditto Torrie) & JAMIE NOBLE (200, Hanover, WV)
Dawn Marie is so slut-tacular and I love it. Oh, and Torrie is wearing tight black pants and a tied top, rather than the usual pink outfit. Dawn in a pink one-piece tied in the front. Men vs. men, women vs. women rules here, and the men start. Jamie Noble has black tights that say "JAMIE NOBLE BOY" on the back, which is pretty awesome. Circle, Noble immediately locks on a legbar. Spike reversed to a cross armbar, but Noble immediately manages to get on Spike's back and lock on a rear choke. The announcers are talking about Chavo Classic. Jamie Noble is awesome and gets no respect. Spike reverses to a hammerlock, Noble hiptosses out. Holds the arm out, steps on the hand, then elbowdrops the elbow. Spike crawls to the ropes, Noble with the arm wringer, with punches and stomping to make it hurt more. Cranking on it, Spike flips out and reverses. Noble flips out, snapmare. Five stiff kicks to the spine, immediately with a legdrop for one. Goes after Torrie, who drops off the apron before she gets hit. Noble back with a right to Spike, irish whip, clothesline ducked, Spike with a shoulder to the gut and a dropkick. Noble down in the corner, Spike runs up and steps on him repeatedly. Snapmare, but Noble pushes off and goes to his corner. He goes to tag Dawn, but she backs off and goes "NO." But he does anyway, with a "GET IN HERE" afterwards. Jamie Noble rules. So Spike is forced to tag in Torrie, and let the fun begin. Dawn clothesline ducked, armdrag, armdrag. Cole: "The history of Dawn Marie, very jealous of Torrie Wilson and all the Playboy pictorials, in fact --" "I mean, Dawn Marie was married to Torrie's father." "Yeah. Remember Al? Rest in peace." Cole said that so flippantly that that was even awesomer than it should have been. Sadly, they neglect to mention Noble trying to bone Torrie and the ensuing weird orgy face turn. Torrie clothesline. Scream, dropkick for two. Irish whip, Dawn reverses, bahahaha Noble knees Torrie in the back. He celebrates, but Spike runs after him and chases him around the ring. As Dawn takes over with stomps. Choking her against the ropes. Up by the hair, X-Factor! for two. Up by the hair, seated sleeper! Torrie chants. She's up, jawbreaker! Dawn with two shitty rights, irish whip, TORRIE SPEAR! Torrie crawling over, Dawn grabs the foot and tries to pull her back. She has the leg, but Torrie kicks her in the tits! PSYCHOLOGY. Torrie makes the tag, and the men are in. Noble clothesline ducked, Spike off the ropes, flying headscissors. Inverted atomic drop, followed with a clothesline for two. Spike up top, Jamie runs up but gets pushed back off, Spike off with the double stomp. One, two, broken up by Dawn Marie, who keeps shoving Spike and yelling "NO!" Spike makes like he's gonna punch her, but Jamie blindsides him. Right, irish whip, backdrop telegraphed so Spike kicks him in the face. Dawn from behind with nails to the eyes, but Torrie breaks that up and takes her over with forearms. Kick to the gut, DDT! She crawls over, but Noble pulls her up by the hair. Spike kicks him in the gut, Dudley Dog? No, shoved off on the way to the corner. Spike back elbows Noble, who turns around into a Women's Special Slap by Torrie, then back around into a Dudley Dog onto Dawn, thus aborting her baby. Spike covers Noble, 1, 2, 3. (05'16") Spike gets a kiss on the cheek afterwards because he's so darn adorable and sexually non-threatening.

STILL TO COME: Cena! Dupree! Paul London! And a bunch of other lumberjacks!

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OUT OF THE ASHES EMERGES A NEW SPIRIT. FORGED FROM THE FIRES OF DEFEAT, A BRONZE WARRIOR FUELED BY HATE. GUIDED BY DESTINY. HIS MISSION: VENGEANCE. HE IS KENZO SUZUKI. something something something Kenzo Suzuki (or was it Suzuki Kenzo, I don't feel like rewinding) something something something

A blackboard reads "Jackie's Summer Breakout Bikini!" And here's Rico (in a robe) and Charlie Haas, who speaks: "Summer is almost around the corner, and I'm tellin' you, next week is gonna be off the hook." "That's right, with the Summer Break Out bikini contest." "That's right, and I'm tellin' you, every SmackDown! Diva is gonna be smokin'." "Speaking of smokin', you should see what I have Miss Jackie wearing." "Our Miss Jackie?" "Yup." "Man, she is hot." "She is tremendous." "Jackie, you almost ready yet?" We pan out to see her figure behind a purple curtain, which leads out onto a runway which Rico and Haas are seated by. "Hold on a sec, I just have one more string to tie." "One more string!" "Tie that string." "I'm ready." She's in a robe, so we can only see part of the bottom, and when she takes it off, the view is at Rico and Haas from between her legs. "So...whaddya boys think?" She throws the robe onto Haas, who takes it off his head. "I think we have ourselves a winner." "Yeah, really?" "Well, it's fabulous, but the color's...not quite you." "No?" Both men stand up, Haas covering his...yeah with his belt. "No, we need to accent the positive over HERE, a little less skin over HERE, a little more skin THERE..." "Whoa whoa whoa what are you talkin' about? She looks beautiful." "Thank you." "Well, it's good, but it's not GREAT." "You've lost your mind, you know that, you really have." "One second, Charles. Miss Jackie, why don't you go try on...the OTHER one?" "The other one?" "The other one." "Alright, I'll be right back." "Did you say the other one?" "The other one." "The other one." Charles glances back towards the curtain, which is off-camera and...still open? "Charles? Charles?" finger snaps, Haas is unresponsive. So Rico smacks him on the ass. "What did I tell you about doin' that?" "Well if you liked THAT one, you're gonna loooove this one." Rico takes off his robe to model a purple...almost thong. "Rico..." "So whaddya think, Charles? Is it me or what?" "No, it's not you at all. That color isn't you, it doesn't complement the complexion of your skin, you know better than that Rico, what's wrong with you?" "Well, what am I going to do?" "You need to go try the other one on." "The other one?" "Yeah, the other one." "Excellent. Point, Charles." Rico pinches Haas's cheek and...scurries off. "...what am I doing?" This would have been better if it was obvious Haas wasn't being sarcastic that last bit. Sorry, he's just not a good actor.

Kurt Angle is in his office, crippled, with Luther Rains. We hear a door slam, and "THE CHAMP IS HERE!", displaying his Word Life...knuckle rings? Whatever those things are. "THE CHAMP IS HERE!" "How dare you go over my head, Cena." "Hold up, take it easy, it's kind of hard NOT to go over your head nowadays, you know --" "You know what this is? A letter -- from the board of directors." "Oh, you got that, word?" "Apparently, you've been to see them, haven't you?" "Damn skippy bro, I'm the bomb (ass) you know --" "You pitched them an idea for the Great American Bash." "Of course I did man, I'm doin' big things--" "That all branches of the military, the Army, the Navy, the Air Force, the Marines, the National Guard, the Coast Guard, get the pay per view for free?" "Ba-da-BOOM baby, now we got it." "Well apparently the board of directors approved it." "And...why wouldn't they, you know, that's -- that's gangsta." "You know, the point is -- you stole my thunder, Cena. I was gonna presents this very same idea next week." "Whoa, whoa, penalty flag on the FIELD. Illegal use of the mouth, Kurt Angle --" "You knowwhat, it's all fun and games to you, isn't it, Cena? You think you're funny. It's all fun and games. You know what? I'm almost tempted to have your ass thrown out of the arena right now." "What, y'mean by [Jumby?] over there?" "You're damn right. But you know what, Cena, I'm not gonna let you get off that easy. You know when I look at you, you make me SICK. You're nothing but a vulgar degenerate. A man that has no respect for authority. And yet you're our U.S. champion." Cena holds up the belt and lets it drop back down around his waist. "BLING." "I've been waiting months for you to lose that title. In fact, it was my idea for this lumberjack match tonight. And when it's all over, I'm gonna be proud that a Frenchman becomes a U.S. Champion." "You can't see me, but I can't wait to see the look on your face when I beat Rene Dupree tonight." "Oh Cena, you'll see my face, alright, because Luther and I will be ringside for your match. Your run for the U.S. title -- is over."

And now a door, that reads "Chavo Classic, WWE Cruiserweight Champion". And walking up to it, CHAVO GUERRERO, who stares confusedly at the plaque before opening the door. "Hey hey hey hey, what is wrong with you, don't you knock on the door of the champion?" "The champion? What?" Classic closes the door. Chavo composes himself, then knocks. "Dad? Your first title defense is on next. You ready? Dad?" "Hey son, hey son. Am I ready? Of course I'm ready. Your father's always ready. But tonight, I have an idea. Instead of going to the ring with me, why don't you go first so you can introduce me as the big champion that I am." "You want me to go out and introduce you." "That's right, because tonight the cruiserweight division is going OLD SCHOOL." "Old school? What?" Chavo leaves, and so do we in favor of

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Slam of the Week: Chavo Classic wins the Cruiserweight Title

Chavo Guerrero is in the ring. "I can't believe I actually have to do this. No one was as upset, as shocked as I was when my father won the Cruiserweight Title last week. At first, I was really upset. But I've had a little time to think about it, and if I can't be the Cruiserweight champion, well then at least it stayed in the family. So I want all of you to get up off of your seats, and let's hear a nice, warm round of applause for the greatest dad in the world, the NEW WWE Cruiserweight Champion, CHAVO CLASSIC."

CHAVO CLASSIC (w/o weight or home) vs. AKIO (under 215, Japan wait no Korea wait no Japan wait ah forget it) for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship
I was originally going to say "Unfortunately, Classic fails to come out in a '#1 DAD' t-shirt", but he comes out in an awesome blank and red robe instead that says "Chavo", so all is forgiven. He also has Chavo's old WCW music and his own TitanTron. Cole insinuates Akio is a hand-picked challenger, as he's still hurt from Mordecai's attack last week, which we revisit. Akio demonstrates this by kind of grabbing his neck. Circle, lockup, Classic with rights and a swinging neckbreaker. Stomps, rear chinlock with an elbow to the face. Classic yells "GET OUT OF MY WAY." to nobody in particular as he goes back to work. Up by the hair, right, Akio chop. Exchanging chops, as Cole says Classic is 215 pounds. Akio with a right and a kick to the gut. Classic with a kick to the gut of his own, irish whip reversed, Akio telegraphs the back body drop, swinging neckbreaker countered to a backslide. Classic breaks free, but Akio runs around the other side of Classic, and when he turns around hits him with a leg lariat. Akio up in the corner, Classic charges into an elbow. And now a boot. Akio up top, HOLY SHIT HE HITS THE YANG TIME CLEAN. This Chavo Classic title reign is truly blessed by the gods. Akio covers for more than three, but Chavo (non-Classic) has the ref distracted. Akio up and over to get him off the apron, then covers Classic again for only two. Chavo with rights, but Akio reverses an irish whip. Classic holds onto the ropes, Akio charges and gets thrown over the top rope. Classic occupies the ref, Chavo with a Jerry Lynn Tornado DDT on the floor. Throws Akio back in, and that's it. (02'13") The two Chavos tell each other how great the other is, but Classic still refuses to let his son hold his belt.

RAW REBOUND: Diva Search, Kane fucks Lita, HHH/HBK HiaC. Yep.

We're in the parking lot, where the Dudley Boyz are cramming somebody intro a trunk. "LAST RIDE, PAUL." Dudleyz get in the car and drive off. Paul Heyman must be in that trunk! But wait...we see, on the ground...an urn. Which Paul Heyman picks up. He smiles, laughs, kisses it, and leaves. PAUL BEARER MUST BE IN THAT TRUNK!

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Our lumberjacks are making their way to the ring. MOMENTS AGO: The Dudleyz kidnapped Paul Bearer. Ohhhhh nooooo!!!! bahahaha I am so funny.

NEXT WEEK: Undertaker vs. Booker T! And titties!

Our lumberjacks are ready, but wait! First, here's Luther Rains, pushing Kurt Angle In A Box, crippled. Luther spins the crank on the side around until finally, BOING!, there's Kurt Angle. Kidding, he just came up by himself.

WWE U.S. Champion JOHN CENA (248, West Newbury, MA) vs. RENE DUPREE (w/Fifi, 263, Paris, France) in a Lumberjack Match for the WWE United States Championship
Sakoda pets Fifi because he's a nice guy. Or wants to eat her later. ZING. Tonight's throwback is #19 for the Milwaukee Brewers, Robin Yount. Crowd is solidly behind Cena here. Circle, aaaand a lockup. Dupree goes for a quick schoolboy for two. Dupree motions that he was "this close". More circling, another lockup. Cena gets a schoolboy of his own for two. This close. Circle, lockup? YES. Dupree with a go behind, takes him down. Going for...something, Cena gets him on the ground with a hammerlock. Standing now, Dupree elbows him in the face and goes to a side headlock. Irish whipped, Cena with a shoulderblock. Dupree tries to roll out for a breather, but Billy Gunn and Hardcore Holly prevent that. Gunn waves his finger for much longer than necessary, probably in hopes of getting a reaction. It doesn't work. Hahaha then he makes like he was just wiping his nose. Dupree in the corner, fixes his hair. Kick to the gut, Cena's head to the corner. Chop, Cena...no-sells? Chop...again? What, is it like "You can't C me" and the C is for Chop? Cena reverses and takes over on Dupree with rights in the corner. Irish whip, Dupree hits the mat. Dupree knocked out with a shoulderblock, to the feet of RVD, Charlie Haas and Rico. The former two back off, but Rico...dances. Dupree shoves him, but Haas puts Dupree in a half nelson so Rico can kiss him. He's so gay! And now he's all like "Oh no you dint shove me, GIRLFRIEND." after Haas throws Dupree back into the ring. Cena takes advantage of this gay distraction to schoolbody Dupree for two. Dupree pops right back up, clothesline. Stomp, but Cena throws Dupree over the top onto the other side, between Gunn and Holly. Gunn, not be outgayed, kisses Dupree as Holly puts him in a full nelson. Hahaha just kidding. They just throw Dupree back in, because they are grizzled, no-nonsense veterans or something. Cena with a right, and another. Up on top of Dupree in the corner, one, two, three, ohhh inverted atomic drop, followed up by a neckbreaker for two. Dupree with mounted punches, and the faces get the crowd started by slapping the apron in cadence with a "Cena" chant. Except for Shannon Moore, who just moves his arm up and down towards the crowd with the beat. Dupree now throws Cena out towards the entryway. And here's Luther Rains, throwing Cena into Kurt Angle's box. The faces and heels on this side argue as we go to break. Unfortunately, on this side of the ring, it's about 20 faces vs. Sakoda and the FBI. Also, a strap Johnny Stamboli's FBI t-shirt has broken, making him look kind of like a gay stripper. So, yeah, commercials at (04'53")

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And Rene Dupree has Cena in a head vice. Moments Ago: Luther Rains rammed John Cena into a box. Dupree off the ropes, kneedrop. More mounted punches, but Cena reverses it for a sunset flip for two. Dupree back in control with a stomp, back to the head vice. Cena up with an elbow to the gut, but Dupree gets an eye rake and a clothesline off the ropes. AND THE DANCE. Elbowdrop, two count. Aaaaand back to the head vice. "USA" chants. Cena back up again, jawbreaker. Off the ropes, but OHHHH Booker T pulls the top rope down. Chavo Guerrero gets some stomps in until the faces come to his aid. FEAR ORLANDO JORDAN. Cena thrown back in, Dupree gets a two count. Dupree with a backbreaker. Off the second rope, awful Bret Hart elbowdrop for two. Dupree off the ropes, kick to the head. Elbowdrop, two count. Kurt Angle is clapping. Dupree off the ropes with a clothesline, blocked. Cena right, right, right, but thrown out between RVD and Haas. They try to throw him back in, but all hell breaks loose again. Of note is Booker T pounding Cena with rights, living every black man's dream of legally beating down a wigger. Hardcore Holly breaks it up, go away Hardcore Holly. RVD and Spike throw Cena in by decree of Kurt Angle, Dupree covers for two. And again. Another two count. Cena up, right, right, off the ropes, Dupree spinebuster! Dupree slowly gets up, and...dances. Angle enjoys this. Dupree off the ropes with an elbow, twoooooo. Booker T wants Dupree to "finish this sucka." Dupree goes for a powerbomb, back body drop held on for a sunset flip, but Cena drops down and flails away with rights to the face. Stomp, right (Booker T: "NO!"), right (Booker T: "NO!"), right, boot, now just kicking away in the corner. Irish whip, out of the corner, baaaack body drop. Dupree comes back, however, with a punch to the right. Dupree with a bodyslam, Cena slips out, Dupree turns around...into an F U! Cena covers, that's all at (06'38", 11'31" total aired). Kurt Angle and Booker T are both unhappy. Faces crowd the ring, Holly and Gunn lift up Cena on their shoulders. Go away, Holly and Gunn. Orlando Jordan, Scotty II Hotty, and Billy Kidman are also very enthusiastic about this victory. They take him over to the side facing Kurt Angle, who stews. And on that close-up, we're out.

Thank you and good night!

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