SD! No Way Out - 02/20/05
by suplexmasta

I got the PPV for free, so here's my recap. If I can keep getting the PPV for no scrilla, I'll do more recaps.

Match 1: Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero vs the Basham Brothers (c)

Rey out first, followed by Eddie in a nice blue low-low. Longish entrance by Guerrero. Rey, in the ring, is decked out in the plain red-on-white mask and tights. Bashams out now, in red tights and long black vests. 1st of 3 title matches tonight.

Eddie and Danny to start. Lock-up, facelock by Eddie, into an ankle pick. Rollthru into armbar by Danny. Reversed, tag into Rey. Snapmare, cover, 2. Tag for Doug. Distraction, choke by Danny. Springboard wheelbarrow armdrag by Rey. Tag in by Eddie. Whip into headscissors. Doug does a shoulder tackle, tags out. Goku-Raku Gatame sans clutch by Danny on Eddie. Back suplex reversal. Heelish tag work by Bashams, in and out. Boot in the corner by Eddie, Bash reverses slam, goes up top, misses. Tag in by Rey, Cole calls a bulldog a DDT. Switcheroo by Bashams. Sweet elbowdrops by Los Bashams. Big boot to the midsection by Danny. Full nelson applied, locked on pretty well. Transition to seated waistlock. Boos from the crowd. Whip by Basham, goading Eddie, switcheroo and double team once again by the S.O.D. Double hotshot on Rey. Choke on the ground for a 4-count. Rey crawls through the legs Danny catches him by the foot, restrains him, and tags in Doug. Doug goes up top and brings Rey with him, reversed, Rey with a moonsault body block for 2. Beautiful, a la Muta in 89. No sell by the Bashams, going back to the neck after a quick double team. Crowd wants Eddie in the worst way. Rey is like a little Mexican Robert Gibson. Ref doesn't see Eddie tag in, and back to the chinlock. Set up for a Ball Gag? Brutal spike reverse powerbomb by the Bashams onto Rey. Rey's in the corner, and proceeds to do his best Nigel McGuinness impression for the HOT TAG! And the crowd goes mild! Dropkick, followed by that stupid double headscissors. Pin broken up by Doug. Weak double slam. At least three "2" signs in the crowd. Double suplex by Bashams, no, Rey throws himself into Doug's leg for Eddie to get a small package for two. Eddie rolls out of a frog splash, and pulls a Shakespeare, into another small package for two. Bad positioning by Hebner for the belt gag. Standard misdirection by Eddie, 619 around the post, Eddie gets the pin on Doug. Man, Cubs was right that it's hard to keep Los Bashams straight. Stupid identical gear.

Backstage, Teddy Long talks to a PA. Tells him to keep Batista happy. PA goes out, Carlito comes in. Introduces Ms. Rodriguez, wife of a member of the board of directors. She enjoyed Rey and Eddie winning the titles. Makes one of us. Carlito claims that the BOD is waiting to reserve judgment unless Teddy signs Batista. No signing, no job for Long.

Torrie and DAWN MARIE! YES! Keep the mint condition comics away, because I'm typing one handed. Oh, never mind, they're out here for the Diva contest. Dawn taunts the FCC with her double-stick tape outfit. Dawn is already playing the heel on commentary, with Torrie giving it right back to her. Joy Giovanni, "special friend" of Big Show, comes out. Next, Rochelle Lowen. Now, Lauren Jones, followed by the stretcher, Michelle McCool. Voting is now open, be still my beating heart. I've seen better looking ladies at my local college bar after last call. Just now noticing, Michelle looks strangely Vince-like. Illegitimacy?

Pulp Fiction WM21 promo. Good times, good times.

Match 2: Heidenreich vs Booker T

HEI DEN REICH out now, to absolutely no reaction. Come on, pipe something in. You do it for Orton! Hei Karate takes the mic, and I cover my ears. Disasterpiece time. Please God, end this. Can you dig it, sucka? Book comes out to scatter cheers, proving that you can only de-push someone so far. This is not gonna be pretty, but it should be easy to call. Each one only knows seven moves max.

Circle. Lock-up, Hei in the corner. Clean break by Book. Circle, lock-up, clubberin blows by Hei. Whip, clothesline by Karate. Cover, two, no. Back kick by Book, chops in the corner. Knee to the midsection, Whip, reversal, hard elbow to Booker's jaw. Book goes outside, Heidenreich chases him, mistake, goes into the steps face-first. Back in the ring, Whip, reversal, clothesline, no, back kick by Book, cover for two. Scoop slam by Heidenreich. GREAT bump on a Heidenreich clothesline. Book gets posted, then knocked out with a solid hand. Cover, two, no. Bastardized keylock applied by Heidenreich. Reversed, but to no avail, as a big boot takes Book down for a co0utnnt of two. Back to the keylock/top wristlock/cobra clutch/three-quarter nelson combination. Book works out of it, but pays. Book catches Heidenreich unawares with a sub-AA spinebuster. Double count, they're up, trading clothesline, thrust kick by Book. Spinaroonie. Heidenreich's up, misses the scissor kick, goes for the Book-End, reversed into a whip, and Heidenreich goes over the top. Book follows, and Heidenreich grabs for a chair. Chair to the throat of Booker T for a blatant DQ. Please tell me this won't go on to Wrestlemania. Heidenreich rolls Book back in, tries to go for a pin, and the poor ref tries to tell him that he's DQ'ed. Heidenreich is confused (no!). He plays confused pretty well. Maybe it's not acting. Just conjecture, though.

Backstage, the PA sets up the coffee bar for Batista's arrival.

The locker room celebrates with Eddie and Rey. Cena, Hardcore, Haas, Scotty 2 Hotty. Eddie takes Cena aside and congratulates him on working his ass off, but tells him it means nothing if he doesn't beat Angel tonight. Eddie tells him Wrestlemania is what wrestlers dream of. Eddie tells Cena that he overheard Angle saying he would break Cena's ankle, not just make him tap. Cena is begged not to tap, no matter what happens, because it will frustrate him, and when Angle is frustrated, he makes mistakes. Eddie closes with saying he believes in Cena.

Match 3: Paul London vs Chavo Guerrero vs Shannon Moore vs Spike Dudley vs Akio vs Funaki (c) for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship

Cruiserweight six-way. I will miss most of this. There was a drawing earlier, making this a gauntlet style match. First out is Paul London, with a SWANK fur coat and matching boot tassels. Jimmy Jacobs needs to sue. Next out is Chavo. Now, Shannon Moore with a piss-poor mohawk. Next, Spike wearing a Tom Brady jersey. From Austell, Georgia, Japan, comes Akio. Funaki, the champ, comes in last. Shannon Moore has disturbing eye-makeup on. It's pink. Pink for crying out loud.

London and Funaki to start. Lock-up on the ropes. Switching waistlocks, side headlock by London. Whip, shoulder knock-down, by London, leg sweep by Funaki. London with his Double stomp to the back of Funaki. Bulldog by Funaki. Funaki is hulking up, and Spike delivers a knee to the back. London gets a roll-up, and the pin. Spike comes in, but Funaki trips him up allowing London to get the second elimination. Shannon Moore comes in, with a Jackknife, followed by a backslide, both for naught. Side headlock by Shannon, reversed into a corner whip. London goes for a spinning pinning clutch, gets two. Shannon gets three consecutive turnbuckle whips, followed up by a missed corkscrew; London follows up with a pretty 450 for the pin. Akio's in now, and Akio is on the offensive with a flurry of stomps. Akio does a reverse tarantula without the arm lock. Akio with the rear sleeper choke. Faint London chants in the crowd. London gets out, but Akio follows up with an enzuigiri. Akio with a two-count, followed by a reverse armbar. London kicks Akio in the head, but Akio still is on the offensive. Akio sends London to the top rope, Akio goes for a superplex, but London counters with a top rope Rude Awakening. Boss! Double count, and Chavo wants to see a double count like he wants to see Christmas. Akio doesn't answer the count, but London's still in. Chavo goes in for the easy pickings. Chavo's getting cocky. Pin, two, no. Pin, two, no. A third pen, and again a two-count. Scoop slam reversed by London into a small package for two. Chavo with the taunting. Kicks to the prone London's face. It is now 9:00. Chavo goes for a neckbreaker of his own, but Paul catches himself on the rope. Dragon suplex gets a two count. I call bullsh*t. London with a back body drop and a dropsault for two. Chavo tries to plant him up top, but London reverses into a roll-up, which Chavo promptly reverses into a ropes-assisted roll-up of his own for the three count. New champ: Chavo Guerrero. New hero in terms of booking: Paul London. That's probably all the push he's gonna get from now on. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Recap of the arrival of Batista on Smackdown.

Backstage with Big Show in quiet contemplation.

Rules explained for the Main Event. Pinfall, Submission, or escape over the top.

Wrestlemania Recap: Gimmick Battle Royal. Spoiler: Iron Sheik wins.

Divas again, and I still don't care. Joy with a sporty outfit, Rochelle and Lauren with hooker outfits, and Michelle looking semi-normal. Dawn with the fake applause. Talent portion of the show, now. Joy's talent is massage, and she wants to massage Torrie. I feel all tingly in my nether regions. We get a panty shot. Dawn's disgust, like mine, is palpable. Dawn protests Joy's incompetence. Rochelle goes for the CHEAP POP, then ruins her good will with horrible jokes. The crowd turns. Dawn goes all aggro on her, and I'm thankful. Lauren dances/strips, and my former arousal is now non-existent. Dawn again tells the contestant off, telling her she might make $0.50 as a stripper. Michelle's talent? Scoop slamming Dawn. Ladies and gentlemen, we have HEAT! Or not. Michelle is now the crowd favorite. At least someone cares now.

Fanatic commercial: History of Wrestlemania

Josh Mathews is back stage with JBL. JBL is not worried. He's funnier with tranquilizers in his system. He understands the likelihood injury is high. He's willing to give up his body, because it is temporary and the championship is forever. Big show is a sideshow freak with no heart, no soul, and no guts. Show wants the title on a platter. People will remember this day because it's the day he proves who he is: the almighty wrestling god.

Match 4: Luther Reigns vs the Undertaker

Luther Reigns comes out with Jindrak at his side. Reigns looks like the most aggressive Mr. Peepers ever. Reigns calms Jindrak down, but Hebner evicts him fro ringside. Recap of Jindrak's match with Taker, and the camera thud finish. BONG! BONG! Dead man walking. To ringside, that is. Cole explains Taker's prowess by his uncanny ability to inspire fear. I blame booking, but that's me. Reigns is unafraid, shadowboxing in his corner. Reigns' prison background is played up. At least he didn't ever squirt milk out of his nipples.

There's the bell, and Taker with the soupbones. Big boot by Taker for a two count. Wristlock into a shoulder tackle. OLD SCHOOL! Rope walk chop by Taker. Taker with a DDT cum STO. UT with a choke Reigns undoes a turnbuckle while Hebner is frightened by Taker. Reigns goes for the turnbuckle shot but is shut out by UT. More punches by UT. Whip to the corner, reversed into a clothesline. Luther with the advantage now. Punches, but UT reverses a whip and Luther goes straight into the exposed buckle. UT to the outside, draping Reigns' head over the apron. Taker with an elbow strike to the throat, followed by a Psicosis style legdrop. That's gotta be a first, Taker ripping of Nicho. Reigns is back in the ring, and he's begging off. Taker goes for a back choke in the corner, but the ref is distracted, so Luther hits a mule kick to the groin, followed by a skull first trip to the exposed buckle. Both men to the outside, where Reigns does a few thrusts into the guardrail. Taker chant by the crowd. Reigns with kicks to the midsection, two whips, ad more kicks. Suplex by Reigns for a 2 count. Scoop slam by Reigns. 1 2, no. Luther with a single leg crab with an assisted stomp to the ear. Reigns holds UT for a pin, two, no. UT with a boot to the face. UT with a few body shots to Luther. Clothesline, and Reigns is down Pin, 1, 2, no. Headbutt, whip, another, big boot to Luther. Luther with a tackle for two. Reigns with a halfhearted elbow drop. Reigns is going for his finisher, but Taker powers out of it. Punches traded, knee to the chest by Luther. Whip, missed clothesline, elbow shot. Whip, clothesline, legdrop, all by UT. Pin attempt for two. Reigns gets a Choke slam ride. Reigns reverses a tombstone attempt into s neckbreaker. 2-count. Finisher: no-sold. Luther with the mounted punches. Luther goes for another neckbreaker, which UT promptly reverses into a DDT. Dead man sits up, followed by a tombstone. Crossed arms, and everybody counts along. 1, 2, 3. UT by tombstone. No elevation achieved. Is it too hard to put someone over?

Teddy Long backstage, waiting for Batista.

Wrestlemania Promo: Basic Instinct. I love this one. Smell the faint odor of lesbianism. Smells like victory. And Christian is absolute gold.

It's 9:38. Do you know where your superstars are?

Torrie's out for the final Diva segment, thank Jehovah. Sadly, Dawn is no longer with us. Swimsuit rundown: Joy comes out in a Big Ben jersey. Rochelle in a satiny pink robe. Lauren in a plain black robe, and Michelle comes out in a mostly-see-through t-shirt cover. Torrie seems unenthused to be here. It's not just you, sweetheart. Joy in a blue and white boyshort and bandeau combo, accented by a thong and Spring Break style grinding. Rochelle with a basic black bikini with lace cutouts on the sides of the bottom. Lauren Wears a red string bikini that makes her even less attractive, if you can believe it. Michelle with a basic light blue bikini top and boyshorts, but she does a back handspring to earn my praises. Nothing doing, sister. The crowd is polled, and the winner is Michelle by a landslide. The WWE.com poll shows Joy as the winner. Yippee Skippy.

Hype for the number one contender's match, set to Fozzy's "Enemy". The song's alright, but I prefer the new Priest single. "Revolution" Would make great entrance music.

Match 5: Kurt Angle vs John Cena for a shot at the WWE Championship at WrestleMania 21.

Cena out in as Pirates uniform, over a "Ruck Fules" shirt and hat. Cena looks focused as "Medal" plays. Angle's out in the stylized "A" shirt, which is all kinds of cool.

There's the bell. Circle, lock-up to a standing head-and-arm lock by Angle, which Cena takes to the ropes. Circle, lock-up, side headlock on the ground by Angle. Kurt with a shoulder knockdown into another side headlock. Whip into another knockdown. Cena goes for a hiptoss, but Angel reverses it into, you guessed it, another headlock. Cena brings it to the corner, while the crowd chants" Angle Sucks". Break in the corner, and we circle and lock-up again. Cena with a headlock of his own, reversed into a whip, followed by a drop toe hold into a two-count, which transitions to another headlock. Angle butterflies the arms, but Cena gets another break. Angels is sent outside, and THEY BE CLUBBERIN! Cena sends Angle over the announce table and punches the bejeezus out of Kurt. Both back in the ring, and Cena goes for a big vertical suplex. Transition punches, with Angle getting a whip but Cena clotheslining him. Cena goes for the FU, but it's too early and Kurt goes to the outside. Cena discredits Kurt's vision, but he follows it up with a flurry of punches. Cena goes for a whip, but Angle stops it with a big boot and a German into the turnbuckle. Ow. Angle on offense, kicking him and kneeing him in the head. Angle with a vertical suplex for a one-count. Another, and yet another one-count. Angle with a rib breaker. Cena makes an attempt at a comeback, but gets nothing. Snapmare by Kurt into a body scissors. Transition into a naked choke, but Cena gets up to a vertical base. Cena powers out, and sends him for a high elbow. Angle counters with the triple German, but cant make the pin due to John's foot on the ropes. Angle with a modified camel clutch. Cena powers out of it. (Anyone see a pattern?) Whip by Angle, but reversed into a shoulder tackle by Cena. Double count applied by the ref. Angle's up first, but gets nothing. Vicious lariat by Cena. Back elbow to Angle's jaw. Lackluster spinebuster by Cena. Pin for two. Angle goes for another set of Germans, gets the first one, but the second one is reversed into a tilt-a-whirl slam for a Cena 2 count. Cena goes for the FU, but Angle counters into a roll up, but gets nothing on it. Angle goes for a vicious belly to belly suplex. Sets up for the Angle Slam, but it's reversed into a DT by Cena. Cena is now pumped up. Cena goes for another FU, but Angle victory rolls him up into the Ankle lock. Cena struggles with it, but send Angle over the ropes instead of tapping. Cena hits a Nicho legdrop to the back of the head. Rare that we see that from the whiteboy. Two count. Cena whips him into the corner, but gets a big boot for his troubles. Cena with the FU, but ANGLE KICKS OUT! BULLSH*T! Angle kicks Cena in the kneecap while he's complaining to the ref, then goes to work on the leg, dropping elbows on it and dropping it over the bottom rope. Angle goes wild on the OTHER ankle, too. He pulls him into the corner, and rams it into the post form the outside. Angle leglaces Cena, but Cena reaches the ropes. Cena can barely walk. Angle stomps on Cena's ankles, and kicks Cena's ankle again. Angle Slam, but Angle showboats afterwards. The ankle lock is applied, with Cena in the middle of the ring. Cena fights to the rope, and does. Angle pulls him back, but Cena refuses to tap. Cena crawls to the ropes again, but Angle drops into a full scissor. Cena again crawls to the ropes, and makes it. Angle takes his time breaking the hold. Back to the ankle lock, but Cena was in the ropes to start with. Ref bump. The people are chanting HBK for some odd reason. Angle takes Cena's chain from the ringpost and wraps it around his fist. Cena sees it and tackles him into the corner. FU! PIN! 1, 2, 3. I like this match, but I really disliked the no-sell of the FU. It looks weak enough as it is.

Cole and Tazz ponder Batista's lack of attendance.

The cage is lowered into place. Doesn't really look that imposing.

Recap of the JBL/Show feud.

Match 6: JBL (c) vs the Big Show for the WWE Championship in a Barbed Wire Steel Cage.

JBL out first, in the limo, sans horns. Well, Show comes out, with a look of determination on his face. The door is closed and locked, with Nick Patrick left in as your referee for the match.

There's the bell. JBL with a chop, but Show lays into him with some huge punches. Show forces JBL's face into the mesh, and slaps him across the chest a few times. More slaps to the back of JBL. Show with a one-handed choke into a whip, but JBL counters with a shouldertackle and a neckbreaker. JBL goes for the top, but surveys the wire for an opening. JBL jumps off the top into a cross body block, but is caught and thrown with a blockbuster suplex by Show. Right hand by Show. Show with a massive slap to the chest. JBL is already bleeding from his adventures up top, but nothing too serious. JBL goes up top again, but gets nothing; He's taken down with a shouldertackle by Show. Vertical suplex by show. Headbutts in the corner. Yet another slap to the chest. JBL throws Show into the cage, and the whole structure shakes. JBL goes up op again, and Show's bladed his forehead pretty well. JBL with a shoulderblock for the top rope. Stomps to the head by JBL. JBL throws his opponent into the cage and hits him with some nice chops. JBL with a kick to the head of Show. Cover for two by JBL. JBL unties a turnbuckle, which is kind of redundant, don't you think? He takes the tag rope and chokes the Big Show. I take it back. That was smart. JBL with a whip, reversed, into a big boot by Show. Show grabs JBL by the head and sets him up for a powerbomb ricocheting off the cage wall. Show hit a gusher in his bladejob. JBL is now bleeding form the head as well. Headbutt by Show. JBL takes a monkeyflip into the cage. Orlando Jordan tries to climb the cage, but that's only a distraction for the Bashams to try ton pry the cage open for the bottom. Teddy Long comes out and throws everyone out. JBL was slipped a pair of boltcutters, and proceeds to hit Show with them. JBL hits a Clothesline from Hell, but only gets two for his troubles. JBL runs at Show, but gets chokeslammed instead. Both men are bleeding fairly heavily. Not Muta-Hase levels, but respectable. JBL it's a lowblow followed by a boot to the skull. JBL gets a two count. JBL climbs the cage with boltcutters in hand, and he's trying to snip through the wire. Show gets up instead, and climbs to the top as well. They punch on the top, and JBL is slammed into the top of the cage. JBL responds with an elbow to the midsection and a thumb to the eye. They trade strikes on the top rope. The ropes are sagging more than at the Jersey J-Cup a few years back. Show chokeslams JBL off the top rope and THORUGH THE RING! JBL is stunned, but Show is not going for the pin. Show crawls down, but looks confused. He goes for the door of the cage, but can't get through the lock. He busts the chain with is bare hands, opens the door, and crawls out of the door, depriving us of a good crawl over the top. The announcer says "the winner, and still champion, JBL!" How? When JBL was chokeslammed through the ring, he crawled through to the apron, and climbed out. Show is incredulous, and beings punching the snot out of JBL. JBL is rolled back into the ring, and they show on replay JBL getting out from under the ring. Show takes it to JBL, but the posse runs in to keep Show under control. Batista's music hits, and Big Dave comes out a house afire. Clothesline, spinebuster, spinebuster. Danny Basham goes for a ride on the Batista Bomb. It's pandemonium. Cena comes out of the entranceway, and confronts JBL. JBL gets slammed into a wall of TV equipment next to the entranceway. Cena hits a spinebuster through the steel supports surrounding the area.

Batista and Cena have a staring contest from afar, each saying "come and get it". And with that, we fade to black. Good night, everybody!

BACK