WWE RAW - 08/30/04
by Scott Christ
In Memory of Marcin Makulski
Live on August 30, 2004 from the historic Cow Palace in San Francisco, California, where the football sucks and so do the dudes. AHAHAHAHA - I'd really rather not do a whole night of gay gags. But the dudes in San Francisco would! AHAHAHAHA!
CC - TV-14-DLV - SmackDown!/WWE Experience/Bottom Line/Velocity/Heat/Afterburn/Tough Enough - RAW - Attitude - Entertainment - Bischoff
HHH/Orton video package - ORDEEEEEEEEN
EVOLUTION is out, having taken their music back. "Let me clarify some things! Y'see what's standing in this ring right now? THIS is Evolution. You know why this exists, huh? Do you know why this unit exists? Because I - made it - so! My thought, my heart, my sweat, my blood, made this what it is today. You don't believe it, just ask around. Ask him. Ask Ric Flair. Better yet, better yet. Don't ask him - read the book. He'll tell you where I stand. When I started this, he had forgotten everything he ever knew about bein' the Nature Boy. He was walkin' around with his head hangin', draggin' - I dropped down before you (I bet), Ric, right? I picked you up, and I brought you back. I brought you back to the TOP. I brought you back to bein' the Nature Boy. And Batista, the animal. Lookit'im - raw power, raw ability, destructive force. But when I met you, no direction, no guidance - *I* gave you that. I gave you guidance. I gave you direction. And I made you the animal that I see standin' in this ring today. And Randy. Orton. Orton, you were to be my pet project. You were the guy I was gonna mold, that I was gonna hone - I TOOK YOU FROM NOWHERE, ORTON! You were jerkin' the curtain in some junior high school, in the middle of nowhere - nobody gave a CRAP if you lived or died! Until I saw you. And I saw what nobody else saw. I honed you, I crafted you, I chose you to be the guy to take my place...when I was done. But I'm not done yet, Randy Orton. I chose you, and I stood by you, through all the injuries, and all the crap - and how do you repay me? How do you repay me, Orton? You spit...in my face. That's how you repay me, Orton?! You spit in my face. Something nobody has ever done before, and NOBODY will EVER do again. Now Orton, I taught you a lot of things. And I made you, and I will break you. Randy Orton, I brought you into this world, and I will take you out of this world. So remember everything I taught you, Randy, but remember right now, to be a man. Don't hide in the back, don't cower with your tail between your legs. YOU chose this path! YOU chose this destiny! So come to the ring right now, and face the consequences for your actions, and do it like a man, Orton!"
New music. Three stagehands bring some stuff to the stage, clearly covered photographs or whatever, and now RANDY ORTON is here. "First of all, don't you dare call me Randy Orton. Call me champ! And before I come down there and face my consequences, let's talk about somethin'. You were right. You gave me an opportunity to make a name for myself. You chose me, you handpicked me, to represent the future of Evolution, and Triple H...I thank you for that. But don't act like you got nothing out of the bargain. Don't act like you got nothin' out...of making this group called Evolution. (uncovers the first one) There we are, like a proud family, standing proud, standing tall, Evolution, with you standing front-and-center. And that's the thing, Hunter, you always stood front-and-center. Evolution wasn't about us, Evolution wasn't about past, present and future, Evolution was about us protecting you. And once Ric Flair and Batista figure that out for themselves, well maybe, just maybe, they'll detach their lips from your ass." Flair is FUMING. HHH holds him back. "Oh come on, Ric! Ric, c'mon, I'm standin' right - hey, it's gonna happen sooner or later." "Orton - you're right. Evolution is about me. Evolution is about me. BECAUSE I MADE IT DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT ME I MADE IT IT'S ABOUT ME BECAUSE IT'S MINE IT IS MINE AND YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT PROTECTION...huh? You wanna talk about protection? The ONLY reason you are standing on that stage, in this business, and carryin' that 20 pounds of gold you got on your shoulder, is because of the guys in this ring." "Is that right? Is that right?" "That's right." "Is that right? Is that right. Well you know what, let me bring ya to exhibit B, shall we? Whaddawegothere?! It's me, it's Chris Benoit, it's SummerSlam, and there's no one else around. You, Batista, Ric Flair - no one in sight. I did it by myself, Triple H. I did something you could never do. I beat Chris Benoit, and I am the world heavyweight champion! Fact is, Triple H, fact is, is I'm a very good student. As a matter of fact, I'm an excellent student. You taught me a lot, but the most important thing you taught me, Triple H, was to never let 'em know what I'm thinkin'. Never let 'em know when I'm comin'. And last week, last week on Raw, you thought I was just gonna bring this world title into that ring, and give it to ya? You thought I was just gonna mosey on into that ring, with my head down, frownin', lookin' all glum, and, and just give ya the world - the world title, 'cause ya made me - ya think it's that simple? Well I did something I wanted to do for a long time. I made my own decision, and I SPIT in your FACE! Have a good look! What a loogie, ha. Woo. Now Triple H, you wanna fight me? You want a piece of me? You wanna prove yourself to me? Well listen up, if it's a fight you want, you got it, but Triple H, I'm not waitin' 'til Unforgiven. I'm not waitin' 'til Unforgiven, Triple H. I'm gonna kick your ass right here, and right now."
Orton de-shirts and steps toward the ring, but thinks... "But you know what, you do got a few friends out here. You did, you did bring a couple buddies with ya to the ring. So you know what, I think I'm gonna bring a friend of my own. I think I'm gonna bring a friend of my own to that ring and KICK YOUR ASS." Oh my God, Orton's got a sledgehammer, King. Orton steps into the ring with the hammer in hand, and it's a standoff. Orton charges, swinging wildly, and Evolution bails. Orton follows out and has HHH cornered, but Helmsley avoids the shot toward the steps. HHH flees through the crowd and Orton cahses the other two away as well.
TONIGHT - William Regal v. Batista
TONIGHT - Chris Benoit v. Ric Flair
TONIGHT - Triple H v. Eugene No-DQ - OH BOY!
Commercials
When we return, we're backstage with Orton and ERIC BISCHOFF, who will not put up with the type of antics he saw out there in the arena. So he's ordering Orton to leave the premesis immediately. Hey, Randy - leave the sledgehammer. He drops it in Bischoff's foot. Ha! Ha Ha! Funny old world champion, you make me laugh!
Tonight we're the very special guests of two great men, JIM ROSS and JERRY LAWLER. Last week, Rock and Tajiri and Rhyno beat up Coach and La Resistance.
HANDICAP MATCH
RHYNO & TAJIRI (interrupted) v. LA RESISTANCE (World Tag Team Champions) & THE COACH (interruptors)
Referee: Chris Kay
Coach and the champs jump Rhyno and Tajiri on the ramp and beat them down. Conway and Rhyno start in the ring and Tajiri can't even make it to the apron. Rights and a whip to the corner, but Rhyno gets his elbow up on the charge. Flurry of rights, but Grenier comes in and cuts off his momentum. Conway tags out to Grenier, who has dyed his hair. Elbowdrop, cover, 2. Grenier with a jawlock of a thing, and Rhyno tries to power out but Grenier puts him back down with forearms. Cover, 2. Into a chinlock. Tag to Conway, and the champs hold Rhynno open for a Coach slap. Cover, 2, Rhyno kicks out again. Coach and Grenier try to tag each other. Fools! Grenier comes back in and this is really crawling as Tajiri is dead outside and they're doing nothing but chinlocking and junk. Rhyno manages to make his comeback, taking over on both of the tag champs and clothesline Coach down. Tajiri tries to come back, but Grenier knocks him back off the apron. Rhyno tries to keep going, though. GOOOOOORE on Coach! Too much, though - Au Revoir! 1, 2, 3. (4'55")
They've just been informed that TONIGHT - Edge is the guest on the Highlight Reel. This is a complete F'N lie you mother F'RZ, that's the segment you hyped before the show started on the TV. GOD. LIARS.
Commercials - wow the graphics for the Gamecube game look horrible besides Andre the Giant
A shitty band is in attendance
Let's join JR and Lawler again. Last week, a wedding. Let's relive it.
Backstage, KANE opens a door. "Now remember: do NOT come out 'til I say so. I want this surprise to be something that my wife NEVER forgets."
TONIGHT - Triple H v. Eugene No-DQ
Backstage, WILLIAM REGAL walks. He comes upon EUGENE, cheap heating it in the Bonds jersey and Giants hat. "William! William! I just wanted to thank you, I had such a good time yesterday! We, we went all around San Francisco, d'you remember? And d'you remember when we went to that restaurant and we watched the GIANTS play, d'you remember that? And, and, d'you remember, d'you remember, Barry Bonds hit two home runs! D'you remember that? That was wejpoigu" "Yes I do, Master Eugene, but listen to me. You should go and concentrate on getting prepared for your match tonight with Triple Heche. I'm going out there with Batista now, and I don't want you coming out there" "OUT!" "Yes, just like the umpire." "The umpire says out." "Listen to me. Listen to me, I don't want you out there, I want you to stay back here where it's safe, o--" "SAFE!" "Eugene! Look. I know you're only having fun, and I'm sorry to raise my voice, But you've got to listen to me. Triple Heche is going to try to take you out tonight, because your Uncle Eric is trying to strike you down! Do you understand me?" "Uh huh." Regal leaves. "Steeeerike-ah!"
Commercials
Clearasil Ultra presents Regal and Flair both going for the brass knux, with Regal winning
BATISTA (318, Washington, D.C.) v. WILLIAM REGAL (240, Blackpool, England)
Referee: Earl Hebner
Collar-and-elbow, Batista powers Regal to the corner, but Regal throws lefts. Batista with a kneelift, ram into the corner, leg kick for style points on the shoulders to the gut. Batista with a knockdown and some stomps. Full nelson attempt, but Regal is fighting. Headbutt from that position and Regal throws more lefts and some knees. Batista shoves him away to regroup, charge for a clothesline, Regal wants to throw him but Batista forearms him away. Clothesline to the corner misses and Regal goes back to the throw from the t-bone like position and gets it this time. Cover, 2. Running knee to the head, but Batista comes back with the spinebuster. Batista threatens Lilian Garcia and steals a chair from her area. Ew. Ric Flair runs in with brass knux - shot to the ribs. Batista drops the chair and comes back in - KO lariat! 1, 2, 3. (2'56")
IVORY, SHAWN MICHAELS and LINDA MCMAHON went to the Republican National Convention. It's a bold move to send a gay man to there.
Commercials
STACY KIEBLER will emcee the Diva segment tonight, since Coach got gored earlier. Stacy seems like she doesn't really realize men find her sexy. She's just like, "Okayyyy I'll bend over - boys are silly!" Anyway, let's welcome the remaining five. Who's eliminated? Goodbye, Maria. Maria hugs Amy and Joy and Christy, and drops the DOUBLE DEUCE on Carmella. The fortunate thing that Carmella can take out of this is she's more famous than any of these tards will ever be.
Tonight's...challenge? Or whatever. Tonight's thing is Dis the Diva.
Let's go ahead and do this without bleeps. Why the fucking cock shit hell not? Vagina motherfucker!
Joy: "Thank you, Stacy. Amy, hmmm, let's see - (grabs breasts) - little too firm for my tastes. Christy, like to spank it? I think you need to learn how to get a good spanking (spanks Christy). Carmella, you talk a lotta shit, but you got a gap so wide you could drive a truck right through there, baby. Anything else to say - noooo. Carmella has nothing, she's weak and little, she doesn't even wanna be a diva, you guys." BAAHHH
Amy: "Joy, you need to learn how to lick a pie. Christy, you need to settle your ass down. WHORE, you don't have any respect for the WWE, you know shit about wrestling, and guess what? Having a cock in your mouth, has nothing to do with wrestling - BEEITCH!" I think she'd be surprised about that.
Carmella: "I thought you were jealous of me, Amy? You didn't wanna - you didn't wanna - you didn't wanna be me, right? You don't wanna be me? Who tried out for Playboy, Amy? And they LAUGHED. They laughed. And Joy, what a great role model you are, mom. What a great role model. Talk shit on TV. Yeah, shake that fat ass. Shake that fat ass! Shake your fat ass. Christy, I hope you win, honey. That's all I have to say. If I don't win this contest, I hope you win, that's all I have to say."
Christy: "Didn't your mothers tell you not to mess with fire? It's HOT. And I WILL burn you. (shakes her chest) Joy, is this the only thing you can do? Amy, it looks like you been suckin' on something sour, 'cause those lips look like a fish. And Carmella, you're a cum-guzzling gutter slut. And guys, I'm gonna come down on all of you." And she does the splits.
Stacy: "I...I like your flexibility."
....................................................
Backstage, Kane is leading LITA to the ring when they run afoul of TRISH and TYSON TOMKO, who are not married. Trish says they're just like a real couple: he's already taking out the trash. Kane gets in Tomko's face for some more Kane/Tomko friction we've all come to love, before laughing and saying it was a good one.
Commercials
Thanks to The Hives, Chronic Future and Alterbridge for your shitty songs!
Kane and Lita head to the ring. Bischoff gave Kane an open contract for Unforgiven for a wedding gift. Kane has a gift for Lita: The Hardy Family! They all run to the ring and do Matt's schtick. Let's meet PAT HARDY (UPW's Shane or Shannon Ballard), NAT HARDY (UPW's Lil' Nate), RAT HARDY (UPW's Sean Riddick) and FAT HARDY (UPW's Skulu/Z1 & Hustle's King Adamo). They'll meet the same fate as their brother. This surprises them.
KANE (with Lita) v. PAT, NAT, RAT & FAT HARDY
Referee: Chad Patton
Fat eats a boot after the other three go down. Chokeslam on Pat! 1, 2, 3. (0'22") Lita tells Kane to stop stop stop stop when he goes to set the corners ablaze. Now she has a surprise for him. Joint property, Kane. They're partners! So Bischoff's present...is hers, as well. And she took the liberty of putting a name on that open contract. "That was awfully nice, Lita, huh. But you do realize, that I sent Matt Hardy straight to the depths of hell. :) ah heh heh huh." Kane rules. She does, KANE! She didn't put Matt Hardy's name - she put SHAWN MICHAELS' name! Kane is NOT happy.
TONIGHT - Triple H v. Eugene No-DQ
UP NEXT - Chris Benoit v. Ric Flair
Commercials
THE NATURE BOY RIC FLAIR (Charlotte, NC) v. CHRIS BENOIT (229, now residing in Atlanta, GA)
Referee: Mike Chioda
Benoit is insistent that Chioda check Flair for foreign objects. Of course, he finds knux hidden in Flair's kneepad. Collar-and-elbow, Flair backs him in, forearm, turned around - let's start the chops! Seven of them. Whip to the corner, bounce, backdrop. Off the ropes, Benoit plows through Flair. Snap suplex, crossface? Flair gets the ropes. To the floor - chop. chop. chop. chop. and back in. Flair is begging off, but Benoit isn't sympathetic to the pleas. Chop chop chop - flop. Flair begs again. To the corner, bounce, elbow up this time. Chop block! Flair stays on the knee. Now it's Flair's turn to attack in the corner. This is Benoit v. Flair 2004 paint-by-the-chops. Flair with a seated toe-hold to break from tradition of a chinlock being the nap, but Benoit gets the ropes. Trade of chops. Benoit wins out, but Flair kicks the bad knee. Foot held - enzuigiri from Benoit. Flop #2. Benoit looks around - cut da t'roat! Headbutt misses. Benoit flips out of a bad suplex (hey! your knee hurts!) - German! German! German! Sharpshooter is...ON. Batista runs in to hit Benoit from behind, and there's the bell. (DQ - 5'54") Flair chopblocks Benoit again, and Batista hits the sit-out power bomb.
UP NEXT - Highlight Reel w/Edge
Last Monday, Jericho was groin-dropped on the top rope by Edge
This Monday, CHRIS JERICHO in the ring for the Highlight Reel. "This is the Highlight Reel, and you just saw the footage that spawned the biggest question of the week. After almost tapping out to me, did Edge accidentally drop me on the top rope unintentionally? Or was it a calculated attempt to get himself disqualified, because he knew he was about to lose the championship to moi? I guess at this point it really doesn't matter now, does it, 'cause the only thing that matters, is that Edge comes down here, to accept my challenge to a rematch at Unforgiven, for the intercontinental championship! And really, let's be honest, if Edge has any kinda plums at all, there's no reason he won't come down here and accept, unless of course he's got some kinda recockulous, ridiculous excuse, as to why he won't face me. So Edge! Come on down! And let's see!"
Here comes EDGE, on crutches. JR notes the injury in Utah. "That's real nice, Jericho. Real nice. Well played. Build me up for a rematch when you know damn well that I tore my groin over the weekend, and that I'm not gonna be able to wrestle at Unforgiven. But maybe it's time for a reality check, Chris. Because I don't need to get intentionally disqualified against you. In case you forgot, I beat you clean in the middle of this ring - 1, 2, 3, at SummerSlam." "SummerSlam, SummerSlam - oh oh yeah, I remember SummerSlam. That's when we had the triple threat match, and besides being in Toronto, your hometown, you were still completely booed RIGHT out of the building. And people there were going completely CRAZY BANANA for me, chanting Y2J! Y2J! Y2J! Y2J!" "Well, well Chris, you can go for the cheap reaction tonight, and get all these puppets to go along with the Y2J chant. But, I don't care if you win the popularity contest, that's cool - 'cause I'll just keep winnin' the matches." "Hm. Well first of all, I don't think these people are puppets, I think they're Jerichoholics. And second of all, doesn't look like you're gonna be winning any matches soon, does it, Crusty Leroux? With your crutches. But let me say this, I know you're hurt. Because I was in the ring when it happened, you were wrestling with me, when you tore your groin. But my question is this - how bad are you really hurt? Do you really need to be limping like this? Do you really need these crutches? I mean, how am I supposed to know if I turn my back to you right now, you wouldn't take those crutches from underneath your arms, do a little Canadian jig, and bash me right over the head with one of those bad boys?" "You don't. And Chris, you know me, I'm fulla surprises. But not this time. And I got an MRI to prove it. But I want you to know something, and all these people to know something. That when I'm good to go, and I'm all healed up, you're the first person I'm gonna face. We need to settle this, manno-eh-manno, one-on-one, no more excuses for the intercontinental title." Edge puts his mic down and extends his hand. Jericho...shakes it. Nothing happens. Edge leaves, and that's that.
OR IS IT? CHRISTIAN!!! CHRISTIAN!!! At last you're assaulting Jericho! Christian does the big beatdown and shares a stare with Edge.
LIVE!
9/4 - Ford Park - Beaumont, TX
9/5 - American Airlines Center - Dallas, TX
9/6 - Raw - Kay Yeager Coliseum - Wichita Falls, TX
9/12 - Unforgiven - Rose Garden - Portland, OR
9/13 - Raw - Key Arena - Seattle, WA
Commercials
GAIL KIM & TRISH STRATUS (Women's Champion, with Tyson Tomko) v. NIDIA & VICTORIA
Referee: Chris Kay
Trish and Nidia start, Trish with a hair-biel and a mount and pummel. Kick to the gut, Gail and Victoria shout the same thing with different intentions. Gail tagged in, lariat and a blatant choke. Gail with one of her wacky submissions, Victoria breaks it up. Nidia can't make the tag, and Gail drops the elbow over the bountiful chest. I couldn't help it. I was trying. Gail with a hammerlock, tag is made but Trish is distracting the referee, so forget it. Of course Nidia gets a "double" "monkey flip" on both and makes the tag. Victoria with a lariat on Gail, whipped into the corner, and she avalanches both of them. Tilt-a-whirl side slam on Gail, cover, Trish tries to break the pin but hits Gail instead. HEADBUTT from Victoria sends Trish to the floor. Backdrop on Gail, Victoria measures her - big boot is blocked, so is the Widow's Peak, and Gail puts on a CRAZY sharpshooter that uses mostly legs. MYSTERY WOMAN is coming to the ring, but trips on the entrance and leaves. That's enough to distract Gail anyway - schoolboy from Victoria, 1, 2, 3. (3'46") JR and King are done pretending they don't know it's Stevie Richards.
Buy Flair's book!
Commercials
Here is a shot of the beautiful Cow Palace in beautiful San Francisco
Smackdown Rebound feat. Orlando Jordan, WWE champion
TODD GRISHAM is backstage with Bischoff, who has a major announcement and is soaking his foot. Next week, live on Raw, it's going to be Randy Orton v. Kane!
JR and King get a lot of face-time tonight. Unforgiven! Orton v. HHH! Unforgiven! Regal/Benoit v. Flair/Batista! Unforgiven! Michaels v. Kane!
Backstage, HHH drools and walks - that match is NEXT
Commercials
NEXT WEEK - Randy Orton v. Kane
NO-DISQUALIFICATION MATCH
TRIPLE H (265, Greenwich, CT) v. EUGENE (242, Louisville, KY)
Referee: Chad Patton
You know what one of the most boring things about HHH actually is? His played-out entrance. HHH jumps Eugene and the bell rings, we're underway. Eugene ducks a nothing, and HHH lifts his leg to help him out. Eugene controls with Technical Wrestling. JR has said the following things tonight about HHH/Batista/Flair/Evolution: "Their night started off auspiciously", "it was not an auspicious start to the night", "night started off very unauspiciously". The gist of this (crappy) match is that Eugene is trying to wrestle, and HHH is trying to hurt him. Eugene makes a comeback sometime after being beaten up outside, but Helmsley cuts him off with a spinebuster and kneedrop. Helmsley continually rams Eugene's head into the buckles - who's the retard here? Eugene of course becomes the raging retard, hitting the double ax-handle for two and a rock bottom. Birds, kick, stunner is blocked and HHH gets a sleeper, and it actually works. HHH lets him out after the arm drops twice so he can pedigree him, though. And he does. 1, naw, let's hurt him more. Sledgehammer. There are like FIVE of them under there. But guess who just popped up from under the ring - Randy Orton! Orton has the hammer, but HHH kicks him in the stomach and grabs it. Orton returns the favor, they trade punches, and Orton gets the best of it. Orton has the hammer - WHAM to the breadbasket. Orton tosses the hammer - RKO! Here come Flair and Batista, but Orton has the hammer and they can't advance. Orton gets a bright idea, and pulls Eugene on top of HHH. 1, 2, 3, and Eugene wins. (10'49")
And our night ends with the standoff. See you for my one-time recap of Smackdown that's based on one match!