WWE RAW - 08/23/04
by Scott Christ
So Thursday night, I says to Cubs, I says, "Cubs, I'm having trouble watching Raw again." Cubs understood, comparing this Raw to "undying death." That's pretty true. But I was ashamed and embarrassed that Feely's Smackdown recap got up before I even STARTED on this. Can you blame me though? Come on. Come ON. Jackpaht jackpaht
And now it's SUNDAY AFTERNOON, and I'm just barely able to make it through the rest of this show.
Since I'm sure everyone has read what happened on Raw, and frankly I don't really think anyone reads this to find out what happened but I enjoy aiding Cubs in his quest to have a large record of WWE matches and their match times, I feel as though I can spoil that if you're the type of person that defends why you watch wrestling to non-fans or to people who tell you WWE is bullshit, then you probably should act like this show never happened.
CC - TV-14-DLV - SmackDown!/WWE Experience/Bottom Line/Velocity/Heat/Afterburn/Tough Enough - RAW - Attitude - Entertainment - Bischoff
LAST MONDAY - Randy Orton beat Chris Benoit with the aid of Evolution, and then HHH turned his thumbs up into a thumbs down and all hell broke loose.
Intro and explosions - kaboom! - and we're LIVE on August 23, 2004 from the Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim, CA, home of shitty boring crowds that sucked for not one but two WrestleManis. TONIGHT - Randy Orton lays on a mat, bloodied. TONIGHT - Edge v. Chris Jericho oh goddamn don't these people have ANYTHING new? TONIGHT - Kane and Lita tie the knot! :)
BUT FIRST! it's THE COACH, and he introduces our six walking idiots. Who's eliminated? Carmella gets BOOED. King wonders if there's no blondes left - hello, retard, look at Maria. Tracie is eliminated, meaning there are no minorities left either. Dramatic music, oh I feel so bad. Quite unfortunately for her, that is probably the best she ever looked in the contest. Down to five: Christy the Redhead, Maria the Ugly One, Carmella the Asshole, Amy the Manbeast, Joy the One with Babies. Coach says they'll all get to do something they've all wanted to do: they get two minutes to tell the Coach he's great. No, wait, let's make it FIVE minutes.
MY GOD, KING, LOOK! It's THE ROCK, come to interrupt! The Great One! Here for an EXCITING skit! Boy fuck the Rock showing up and making everyone look bad so he can do some lame comedy. Bet we get jokes and a confrontation and a Rock Bottom and a people's elbow. I like that they didn't have his arena music on hand and are using the version from WWE: The Music, Vol. 5 where he tells you take your little CD and put it in your anus. Rocky Rocky Rocky. TAKE THE MIC FOR GOD'S SAKE. "Coach you come out here, run your mouth, you say they've got five minutes to say how much they like you, Coach, well the Rock says you got five seconds 'fore the Rock gives you an ass-whoopin' of a LIFETIME!" Coach just stares. Rocky Rocky Rocky. COUNT. 5, 4, 3, 2, Coach runs away. FINALLY, etc. Sperm bank jokes about Lillian Garcia. He asks who Carmella is, then tries to equate her current struggle in the Diva Search to his when he first came to the company. He breaks out it doesn't matter what you think to her, and apologizes. He also manages to reveal he hasn't been watching the show.
Then he remembers them eating ice cream cones. "Yeah, everybody remembers that. Yeah, one dude clappin'." He patronizes them and tells them they suck, no one wants to see them ice cream - they want to see them EAT PIE! Oh! LMAO! OH! To hell with this. Is there anyone who can bring out some pies? Yes...there is. TAJIRI. "Lookit my man Tajiri bringin' out the pie!" They get 20 seconds to eat pie, however they want. He points out a drunk guy. "Y'all got some good weed in Anaheim, I see." Good God, did anyone prep him on not being a douche? "Tajiri, I wanna know - what is your favorite type of pie?" He's shy! Tajiri rules. "POONTAH!" Rock says they need to party. Rock and Tajiri save the segment, or try to. Joy goes first, and talks, and probably seals her fate. "Here today, I wanna give the fans what they want! I wanna challenge (Carmella) to a match in the ring, WWE-style, down and dirty!" Huge boos. "Okay, well, that, time's up. Thank you, mama. Well. Clearly. Everybody loved that one."
Next up is Amy. Amy has the right idea - lick the pie. Cheers for that. Carmella is next, stuck with chocolate pie. Rock begs them not to boo her, and she splatters some on her tits and...arm. Yeah, I just spooged. Big boos. Tajiri did too, actually. Maria puts some on her nose and tries to lick it off...and fails. "Oh. That's talent!" Tajiri is in the corner, trying his damnedest to entertain by thrusting his pelvis at her. Here comes Christy and she wants to talk. "As you guys can see, my butt's hungry. It's been munchin' my panties all night, so I'm gonna have to FEED IT!" So she sits in the pie. Yeah you know what, I just did a 180 on her. I hope she wins now because she acknowledges her ass and at least is TRYING.
But let's spoil all this great, great fun, with Coach and LA RESISTANCE. Coach is tired of being embarrassed by Rock! Last time, La Resistance got the same treatment. They're going to come down there and take out Rock and Tajiri. Rock is genuinely unconcerned, asks the ladies to leave the ring, and stands with Tajiri, bracing for battle. "Come on, mama, there's fixin' to be a homicide up in this sumbitch! MOVE!" JUST BRING IT, BITCH - here they come, and they do, indeed, bring it. Coach smacks a downed Rock. Check your watch - here's RHYNO! GOOOOOOORE on Grenier! Rock fires back on Conway with rights, and he turns around into a roundhouse kick. Coach is surrounded. Rock and Coach circle, Coach gets hyped up and ready to THROW DOWN. "Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!" Coach charges - spinebuster! People's elbow! Well, we didn't get a Rock Bottom.
And it only took up a quarter of the show!
UP NEXT - Randy Orton does something or other, maybe, I had the FF on
Commercials
Backstage, KANE walks with a clothing bag. Back out to the announce table, where we meet JIM ROSS and THE KING. Here's some video of what went down last week with Randy Orton, Chris Benoit and Evolution.
Backstage, TRIPLE H paces until he's joined by RIC FLAIR and BATISTA. Are they sure Orton's still here? Yeah. Did Batista deliver the ultimatum? Yeah, in person. Will Orton go through with it, Flair wonders. HHH says yep. Yep.
LITA is preparing herself for her marriage, and then her husband-to-be joins her. "Get out!" "Look, I know you want me to leave. I know it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. But I couldn't help it. There is nothing that is going to ruin this wedding tonight. OUR wedding. This night is very special to me, Lita. It is going to be an all-white affair. To signify the purity of my child...that you're carrying. That's why I'm going back on something that I once said. That's why I want you to wear this." Kane produces a white gown from the bag. What a sweetheart! She's not happy. "Look, I know you don't wanna do this, Lita. But cheer up. Hahaha. Because after all, heh. It's a nice day for a white...wedding. Ahahaha." Ahahaha. Yeah. No.
TONIGHT - Regal w/Eugene v. Flair w/Batista
NEXT - Jericho v. Edge for the IC title - what a match?
Commercials
Whatever of the week brought to you by whomever is Edge hanging Jericho out to dry at the hands of Batista and Flair
INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP
CHRIS JERICHO (challenger, 230, born in Manhasset, NY) v. EDGE (champion, 250,
Toronto, ON)
Referee: Chad Patton
Are you excited as I am? They're both competitive, says JR. Hammerlock from Jericho, Edge makes the ropes. Clean break, collar-and-elbow, Jericho with a waistlock. Edge to the wristlock, Jericho reverses, armdrag takedown and an armbar. Edge with a headscissors, out of that, Jericho tries an armdrag but Edge wasn't thinking the same thing. He was thinking not armdrag. So Edge punches him. Stupid. Jericho holds the ropes on a whip, YEAH UP YOURS EDGE! Edge charges and falls to the floor. Stupid. Edge back to the apron, Jericho hits the springboard dropkick. We've gotta take a break! (1'48")
Commercials
We're back and Edge has Jericho in a chinlock - can you believe it! Jericho with elbows, but Edge forearms him down. Off the ropes, Jericho meets him with a spinning heel kick. Lawler thankfully helps out, noting that we left with Edge down and came back post-"amazing recovery". Jericho with a chop, Edge with a forearm, trading, Edge wins out. Whip to the corner is reversed, charge by Jericho, boots ducked with a slide out and a heel trip. Jericho up top - back elbow from the top, cover, 2. Jericho with a clothesline and huracanrana for two. Jericho with a forearm, a forearm, into the corner and he's kicking Edge in the stomach. To the corner, Jericho jumps off the middle rope with the flying jump into boot, Edge with the implant DDT for the near-fall. These men are very tired. Edge sets for the spear, Jericho moves and Edge puts the brakes on to avoid killing Patton. Man, it's a sad ass state of affairs when they have to tease referee bumps because they're expected. Jericho sweeps the legs, Walls of Jericho is blocked, Edge has a cradle, 2, 3 - hey Jericho's feet were in the ropes! (2'52" - 4'40" aired) Jericho complains as Edge celebrates his big victory, and Chad Patton chases him down and appears to be restarting the match, but hey, we just aired ALMOST THREE ENTIRE MINUTES of a crappy wrestling match, LET'S TAKE A BREAK!
Commercials - this is the sort of show that makes you question why the hell you're watching this garbage
We're back live and the match is in progress again. Jericho hits a suplex for two. Kicks in the corner, boot choke and a break at four. Jericho misses a dropkick. Off the ropes, Jericho with a forearm. Wahh-chuh! it's a forearm. Enzuigiri and Edge winds up over the middle rope - running rope-assisted Mike Enos is a success. As is the "bulldog". Lionsault misses, ow Jericho's knee! Edge off the ropes, Jericho with the sleeper drop for two. Forearm, forearm, corner whip reversed, charge, forearm up. Clothesline misses, Edge-o-Matic - 1, 2, shoulder up. Yes, this is very competitive. No, no, I'd say it sucks. I'd say this sucks. Edge with a whip off the ropes, clothesline ducked, but UH OH Jericho winds up on the apron and gets speared into the wall. This is corny. Edge brings him back in and goes to the top. Flying crossbody, rolled through and there's another two-count. Walls of Jericho - look, really, when is the last time that move worked? It's on, at any rate. Edge gets the ropes quite quickly. What a worthless hold. Forearms to the back, whip is REVERSED, and Edge catches Jericho running and throws him groin-first over the top rope. Edge is setting for the spear - but Patton calls for the bell? Edge spears him anyway, but this has been thrown out. My God in heaven fuck you guys. (4'28" aired) This is the crappiest rivalry in recent memory as these two continually sleepwalk through matches and do nothing else at all. No promos, no wins over anyone else, no nothing, just repeatedly shitty matches, over and over, and I'm supposed to want to PAY to see these guys wrestle? This is retarded, the whole thing, and that's not even taking into account how retarded THIS waste of time turned out to be. I hate to say it, but I just don't want to see Jericho wrestle as every single one of his matches is the same lazy, repetitive turd that the last one was. Jesus, who knew Christian was carrying Jericho? And you just suck, Edge. A pox on you all!! WE WANT CHRISTIAN
Backstage, Evolution walk the walk, and I bet when we're back they'll talk the talk.
Commercials
Evolution comes out to HHH's music. And there it is, the halfway point. WHAT A WRESTLING SHOW! HHH is going to speak. "There's been a lot of talk about destiny lately. I don't believe in destiny. I don't believe life is predetermined. Your destiny is what you make, it's the choices that you make, and for every choice, there's a consequence. Take Randy Orton, for example. Randy Orton made a choice not to be a failure and a disappointment like his grandfather and his father before him. Randy Orton chose to roll with Evolution. Randy Orton chose to stand side-by-side with 16-time heavyweight champion of the world Ric Flair! Randy Orton chose to stand side-by-side with the most dominant man in this business, Batista. And Randy Orton chose to follow in the footsteps of the greatest wrestler alive today, The Game, Triple H. And the consequence of that decision, Randy Orton became one of the most successful athletes in this industry today. And then Randy Orton made another decision. Y'see all Orton had to do was go in the ring, and soften Benoit up for me. But Benoit - that wasn't Orton's - that wasn't his plan. Y'see Orton made a choice, and the choice was to win. The choice was to take the world heavyweight championship - MY world heavyweight championship. That title is MINE. Everybody knows it. Everybody in the back knows it, everybody in this ring knows it, everybody in the WORLD knows it. The only person that doesn't seem to know it...is Randy Orton. Y'know it's ironic, Orton, that as you stood out here last week, celebrating, with your tribute video, and your balloons and all the ballyhoo, it's ironic that that, that confetti fallin' from the ceiling was like sands in an hourglass. Your time was up, Orton, and you had no idea. Your destiny had already been chosen for you, Randy Orton. And the beating that you took last week was a consequence of the decisions that you made. But it was just a warning. It was just a taste, Orton. Y'see tonight, you are at a crossroad again, it's time for you to make a choice, Orton. You can make the right choice...or the wrong one. Randy Orton, you can walk to this ring right now, and you can put the world heavyweight championship in my hand. You can then lay down in this ring, and I can take my rightful place as the world heavyweight champion. For making the right choice, Randy Orton, I will let you live one more day above ground. For making the right choice, Evolution will walk away from you. We will forget that you exist, Randy Orton. That is the pass that you will get for making the right choice. But if you make the wrong choice, Orton, then I will see to it personally - personally - that you cease to exist - PERIOD. You see when it comes to the world heavyweight championship, Randy Orton, for me, there is no choice. It is as simple as life and death. Time for you to decide, Orton. Time for you to make a choice. Do the right thing, walk to this ring, and stand before your maker! Time to choose your destiny, Randy Orton."
RANDY ORTON comes out, to Evolution music, belt in his hand and a bandage on his forehead. HHH sends Batista and Flair to the floor as Orton slowly makes his way down, in heavy thought. Orton eyes Batista, who just smirks at him. Orton finally makes his way into the ring and HHH is growing impatient. "Now send me a referee! So Randy Orton can make the right decision." Orton looks at the belt, and he's not sure. Referee Jack Doan is in the ring as the "Randy" chants go up. "Orton...hand me...that championship belt." Orton won't even look at him. "I said hand me that belt, damn it! NOW." Mic is dropped, Orton looks at the belt, looks at HHH, and nods. He hands it to him...but doesn't...let go. Orton smiles - LOOGIE TO THE FACE! BIG ASS LOOGIE TO THE FACE! Orton LAUGHS. HHH gets SUPER ANGRY!!! and then Orton hits him in the face with the belt. Orton realizes the situation and gets the hell out of there, running through the crowd. Whoa, Randy Orton can HAUL ASS up some steps. Orton raises the belt and manages to say nothing at all in his first segment as a babyface and gets over huge. HHH screams bloody murder with spit all over his face in the ring.
Live dates
Commercials
Moments Ago, Orton spit all the F over HHH's face. Fan after Batista falls on the floor chasing Orton: "YOU SUCK, BAH-TEESTA!"
Backstage, VICTORIA confronts Bischoff about forcing Lita to marry Kane. Uh, stupid? Bischoff has nothing to do with it. HHH shoves Victoria away via her face. Hey fuck you, cock! She ain't the lady to mess with! HHH is livid - Bischoff makes Orton v. HHH for Unforgiven.
Let's have more alone time with JR and the King.
WILLIAM REGAL (240, Blackpool, England, with Eugene) v. commercial break - GOD
Commercials
WILLIAM REGAL (240, Blackpool, England, with Eugene) v. THE NATURE BOY RIC
FLAIR (Charlotte, NC, with Batista)
Referee: Jack Doan
Collar-and-elbow, Regal into a side headlock and almost a CRAVATE, but not quite sadly. Break and a forearm puts Flair down. Back into the almost a cravate, side headlock, off the ropes, shoulderblock puts Flair back down. Collar-and-elbow, this time Flair doesn't go all the way and instead knees Regal in the gut. Into the corner, chop! Chop! Into the other corner, chop! Straight right to the jaw, Regal down to his knees. Chop! Roundhouse right is blocked, Regal with european uppercuts and a whip to the other side. Backdrop. Regal sends him into the ropes, back elbow and Flair is reeling. Another european uppercut, Regal puts his dukes up, but Flair flops. Kneedrop to the back of the neck. Up from the mat, Flair with a right to the breadbasket and he tosses Regal over the top to the floor. On the floor, Flair with another chop, back off, wander, backdrop from Regal. Hey let's take a break (3'30")
Commercials - man, if you like crappy movies, getting a boner, eating candy and drinking energy, Raw is the show for YOU
Back and Regal is standing with Flair down, Regal taunting him. Whip to the corner, Regal walks into a back elbow to the mush. Another hard shot puts Regal down, and Flair drops a knee right on the forehead. Regal with a right and some stomps, blatant choke in the corner broken at four. Flair with a right, chop, Regal goes down. Marvel as Regal sells the chops like they hurt. Back up, chop, back down. Flair with more rights to the forehead and a stomp. Flair into the corner, out, backdrop. Thumb to the eye turns the tide right back. Flair goes up top, and Regal is all the way across the ring. Ah, but here he comes - right to the gut, Flair's thrown off. Regal is FAHRD UP and unloads with combo shots to the midsection. Butterfly suplex, Regal tauns and gets hit in the stomach. Side headlock from Regal, off the ropes, lariat ducked, and Batista gets up there to deliver a forearm. Flair gets the figure-four on. Marvel as Regal sells the figure-four like it hurts, too. Doan is distracted by Batista, so Eugene comes in to turn the hold over. Batista posts Eugene, but here comes CHRIS BENOIT, REMEMBER HIM? Benoit posts Eugene. Flair has knux...so does Regal. Bump, turn, punch, Regal's lands because his arm is longer. Cover, 2, 3,. (5'32" - 9'02" aired) This wasn't particularly good but had a nice finish and at least wasn't awful. 1-for-37 tonight! Benoit helps Eugene regain his senses to let him know Regal won. Nice chop marks.
Next, wedding
Next, diva phone numbers
Commercials
We're told how to vote
Wedding
Yeah, no. This show was the worst Raw in a good long time, almost no wrestling, half of the wrestling there was was outright bad, and it's the sort of show that honestly makes me embarrassed to be a wrestling fan. From the lame Rock Tries to Save the Diva Search segment to the lame wedding at the end (the video package was choice, some of the rest was funny - but come ON), this show had wall-to-wall crap carpeting and it was a total shenanigan to call this a professional wrestling show. It harkened back to the gloriest of all stupid, shitty glory days, where it is two hours of Male-Oriented Soap Opera that your dumb girlfriend that hates wrestling just might get into, but honestly, do you WANT your dumb girlfriend to be into wrestling? If she's like, "Man, Benoit rules, that headbutt was awesome", then yeah, sure, maybe, but not if she's like, THAT WEDDING WAS TREACHEROUS, WHAT COULD HAPPEN NEXT??
I'll try to have Raw done this week quickly since I'm going to take up Smackdown for one whole week in order to do the Eddie/Angle match.