WWE RAW - 08/16/04
by Scott Christ


I really need to stop playing MVP Baseball long enough to get this done. That game is great if you don't play it for a month and pick it back up and tell all the slacking whiners to get the F off your team. Go to Tampa, Brian Roberts, you little a-hole.

CC - TV-14-DLV - SmackDown!/WWE Experience/Bottom Line/Velocity/Heat/Afterburn/Tough Enough - RAW - Attitude - Entertainment - Bischoff

LILIAN GARCIA kicks us off: "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the NEW World Heavyweight Champion - RANDY ORTON!" Orton, in a suit, with the belt over his left shoulder, makes his way to the ring as gold balloons and confetti fall from the very sky in London, Ontario, Canada at the Labatt Centre, LIVE on August 16, 2004. Orton really milks this and gives someone a chance to edit the commentary and whatnot out and make a rather clean and lengthy Evolution theme MP3. Orton kisses the belt, and he's ready to speak. "Randy" chants. "You're cheerin' my name now, but last night it was a different story. You all thought that I was in over my head. You all THOUGHT that I hadn't earned my stripes yet. You all thought that there was no way in hell that Randy Orton could defeat Chris Benoit, let alone - LET ALONE survive the crossface, the sharpshooter, six consecutive gut-wrenching German suplexes. But yet, I am here, standing before you...the YOUNGEST WWE heavyweight champion in HISTORY! Now...now I want you to do me a little favor. I want all the 24-year old males to stand up. Raise your hand! Let's - let yourself be seen, you're on national television, live television, stand up! Quick let's put a camera on these people. Can I see the 24-year old men in the audience - please!" There's some of them. "Take a good look, people. This is what the average 24-year old male looks like. But I'll do you one better - I will do you one better. Stand up, again, all the 24-year olds, take off your shirts! Whoa whoa whoa - just the men, women, if you can catch up with me there's time for that later. All you men, 24-year old men, stand up, take off your shirt, let's have another looksee, shall we? There's some up there!" Orton is disgusted. "Look at that, people. That is disturbing." You suck chant. "That is very disturbing, that is the average shape of the 24-year old male. And it's not just a Canadian thing, no no no. Most 24-year old men are in that kind of a shape the world over. It's sad, sad but true. Which makes what have I have accomplished, even that much more impressive. Because not only am I better looking - no, no, no - I am just plain BETTER. And a lot of ya say, a lot of ya think, I know you're thinkin' that me winning was a fluke last night. That me winning was a fluke. Me defeating Chris Benoit was a fluke! Well ladies and gentlemen, it was not a fluke. It was DESTINY."

Let's take a special video look at Randy Orton

"I did what nobody else could do. I beat Chris Benoit, one, two, three. Now sure I - I'm a little banged up, hell, it's taken all my strength to come out here and stand before you people. But that is the kind of champion that I am. Now sure, there's been many champions before me, and that's just fine! But I am unlike all the others - I'm Randy Orton. I said I am just...unlike all the others, I AM RANDY ORTON!" There, they booed. "So people, people get used to this sight. Get used to who stands before you. Get used to the $3,000 suits, the beautiful smile, the beautiful face, because the Randy Orton era has only...just...begun."

Music! CHRIS BENOIT, who doesn't own regular clothes, is out. Benoit grabs his own mic, circles, looks Orton over. "You know before the journey of the Randy Orton era begins. I just wanna let ya know that your first title defense is gonna be agaynst me." "Chris! Chris, I, I heard about your rematch clause, I know all about it, okay? And that's fine! You give yourself a couple weeks, you give me two or three weeks to heal up, man - you challenge me, you face me again, and I will beat you AGAIN." "Anonononononono! Norton, you just do not get it - y'see, I just came from Bischoff's office, and yes, I do have a rematch clause. But I'm not gonna wait three weeks, I'm not gonna wait two weeks, hell I'm not gonna wait one week, I'm not gonna wait another DAY! Tonight! In this ring! It's gonna be you! Versus me! For the world! Heavyweight! Title!" TONIGHT!

Commercials

That song in the video package was "Away" by Mercy Drive

ALL-OR-NOTHING MATCH
RHYNO (275, Detroit, MI, with Tajiri) v. SYLVAN GRENIER (Province of Quebec, with Robert Cownay)
Referee: Jack Doan

Technically, Lilian didn't even say "Province of Quebec", but I didn't want to leave it blank. TECHNICALLY, she didn't even say "Sylvan Grenier", but I wasn't putting La Resistance. The stipulation is if Rhyno wins, he and Tajiri get a tag title shot at Unforgiven. If Grenier wins, Rhyno and Tajiri will never get a tag title shot. Orton's confetti is all over the place. Conway nails Tajiri with the flag outside earler as Grenier stomps and chokes in the ring. Conway gets a cheapshot on Rhyno. Rhyno kicks out of a pin attempt at two. Off the ropes, Grenier with a flapjack. Grenier with a kneedrop - wow, he's feeling it. He's totally mediocre tonight! Rhyno tries to use his elbows to Grenier's stomach, but Grenier counters by slamming him down on the mat via his head, and then pinning him for two. Hard Irish whip to the corner gets another near-fall. Off the ropes, backdrop is telegraphed, Rhyno kicks, but Grenier clotheslines him down. Cover, 2. Neck vice. Into a rear chinlock. Rhyno tries to get the crowd behind him with stomps. Up, elbow, right, right, Grenier goes downstairs. Off the ropes, Rhyno catches him with a powerslam for two. Sign: LONDON WANTS THE DEADMAN. I bet Undertaker would beat Paul London. Rhyno with the Ken Shamrock belly-to-belly for another two-count. Rhyno is getting it together - shoulderblock, clothesline, crazy eyes. Whip reversed by Grenier, but Rhyno gets a jumping clothesline. Conway on the apron - Conway to the floor. Grenier tries the blue thunder bomb to mixed results. I mean, it was a move. Conway distracts Doan as Grenier grabs the French flag. Tajiri's back - GREEN MIST! GOOOOORE! 1, 2, 3! (5'11") La Resistance v. Rhyno & Tajiri at Unforgiven on September 12! Tajiri shows Rhyno his green smile, but hides it from the referee.

JIM ROSS and THE KING remind us that Lita must marry Kane. Here's a voiceover set to touching music, read gently by Kane: "This invitation is to everyone all over the world. That I, Kane!, request your presence for my marriage to Leeta huh huh. Next Monday, the 23rd of August, at the Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim, California, to be broadcast LIIIVE - heh - here. oooon. Raaaaw. Ahahahahaha." Awwww. :)

TONIGHT - Edge v. Kane for the IC title

Commercials

TONIGHT - Randy Orton v. Chris Benoit for the world heavyweight title in a SummerSlam Rematch

Let's revisit Kane v. Hardy via stills

Backstage, COACH catches up with LITA. She just wants to be left alone, Coach. She goes into the women's locker room, where she's met with a "SURPRISE!!" by TRISH STRATUS, MOLLY HOLLY, GAIL KIM and JAZZ. Trish: "Hey Lita! Well, we figured you're a little down 'cause you have to marry grrrkane! So I thought, hmm, how can we turn that frown upside down? So the Divas and I decided to throw you a little BRIDAL SHOWER! But don't thank us yet, thank us after the presents - yes, there's presents! Right, Molly?" "That's right! Well Lita, since you like to sleep around so much, I got you something that you could really use. First there is birth control pills. And of course, not to forget, condoms!" They all sing "Trojan Maaan, Trojan Maaaaan." Mad respect for Kane by buying magnums, too. Gail: "Lita, I know you seem really upset, and I know you have to marry Kane, but - look, guys. (a framed picture of Kane forcing himself on Lita) The first kiss. You two are obviously in love. And you don't have to worry about the baby 'cause we had a compuhsit made - and look, it's a beautiful baby! It's got one of your eyes!" Trish: "And one of Kane's too. But we saved the best for last. You ready? Jazz?" "That's right, baby! On those long cold nights when Kane's out of town. (a vibrator. in a box.) A big red machine of your own! ... Here! Take it!" "Batteries included! Okay. You can thank us now." Instead Lita, leaves. "Wait! Hey! We tried real hard. This party and everything, come on! Besides, you forgot your condoms!" VICTORIA meets Trish eye-to-eye in the hall as Lita walks off. Watch out, Trish, she'll take off that tear-away suit and dance! "Hey! Great job in Diva Dodgeball. Who was your coach, Stevie Wonder?!" No you stupid idiot, you were her coach! The Coach was the coach. What. Anyway, Victoria slaps Trish. Thank God that's over.

Commercials

HBK RETURNS (boos) - JR says it'll be at Unforgiven

VICTORIA (Los Angeles, CA, with Raw is brought to you by Skittles, 1-800-CALL-ATT and Hero) v. GAIL KIM (Korea)
Referee: Earl Hebner

Circle, collar-and-elbow, break, collar-and-elbow, Gail goes to the arm with a wristlock. Victoria reverses. Gail off the ropes, over Victoria doing the splits, off the other side, Victoria with a monkey flip. Gail sent down, seizuresault hits - 1, about 2. Gail flips out of a back suplex attempt, kick to the gut, Victoria can't fall out of the ring, so they'll try it again. Back in, cover, 2. Gail with a choke. Snapmare, kick to the spine. Backbreaker. Gail works the crowd. ENOUGH ABOUT THE VIBRATOR, KING. YOU SICK FFFFFFFREAK. Gail with the satellite submission. Victoria battles out and gets two. Gail knocks her right back down. Victoria eventually makes her comeback with rights and an atomic drop? Okay. Off the ropes, backdrop, fireman's carry into a side slam is countered with a 'rana from Gail. Victoria catches her though - Widow's Peak! 1, 2, 3. (3'36") Trish is in! Victoria hammers away. But here's TYSON TOMKO. Unhand her, you cad! Big right from Trish. Trish tells Tomko to take her out, and she's pressed - but here's THAT MYSTERY WOMAN for the save. "Stevie" chants. Guy in Crowd: "STEVEN RICHARDS!!!!!!" King: "Who is it?" JR: "I have no idea."

NEXT - Edge v. Kane for the IC title (it's Bischoff's wedding gift)

Commercials - Clearasil Ultra even clears up very, very mild cases of acne

WWE.com!

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP
KANE (challenger, 320) v. EDGE (champion, 250, Toronto, ON)

Referee: Chad Patton

Kane dedicates this match to his bride-to-be. Collar-and-elbow, Kane shoves him down. Collar-and-elbow again, Edge with an armwringer and top wristlock, Kane shoves him down. Kick to the stomach and forearms, but Edge is caught off the ropes with a shoulderblock. Kane with stomps. Up, off the ropes, big boot ducked and a chopblock by Edge. Edge with kicks to the knee, and now he's working the knee over the middle rope. Edge stays on the knee. That's...well, it's sort of a figure-four around the ringpost. Edge goes up top, Kane shoves him to the floor and he hits the barricade. Here comes Lita! Kane is happy. :) (2'54") Bet we come back to a chinlock

Commercials

OH SHIT WE DO! Edge with lame rights to the stomach, one to the head, off the ropes and he...sticks his arm on the top rope on a backdrop. That was NOT a hotshot-like maneuver. You suck Edge. Kane with forearms in the POUND N GROUND, short kneedrop to the head, off the ropes, big legdrop. Lawler shows how hip he is by saying Kane will get Marilyn Manson to sing at the wedding. Chinlock. Edge with more rights to the stomach, but Kane counters with a neckbreaker for two. Choke with the knee. Thrust to the throat, Edge fires back with a kick, forearm, off the ropes, clothesline, off the ropes, Kane's clothesline is ducked, Edge hits the big forearm to ground Kane. But he picks him back up. Foolish. Rights in the corner, to the other side is reversed, Kane charges in with a clothesline. Edge-o-matic! 1, 2, shoulder up. Dropkick to the back, so Kane goes to the apron in and just stands there so he can get speared in the back and into the wall. You suck Edge. Edge hammers away outside, back in as we see Lita standing around. Edge is up top - missile dropkick! 1, 2, shoulder up again. Lita's response: "..." Kane with a short-arm clothesline. Kane goes up, but Edge stops him up there. Edge will try for a superplex, but please, when has Edge done a superplex lately? I'm no fool. Edge shoved off and Patton is bumped on the way down. Kane is perched - flying land and then clothesline. Uh oh Edge he wants 2 chokeslam u! Lita grabs the foot and crap, Kane yells at her, turns around, and big boots Edge as Edge tries for a spear. Here's MATT HARDY in a Punisher shirt - TWIST OF FATE! Spear from Edge - 1, 2, 3 to retain. (6'48", 9'42" aired)

Kane sits up and eyes Lita, then gets a mic and drags her into ring with him. "You probably think I'd be angry at what just happened. Heh - but I'm not. Huh huh. Oh, I can see, what kinda relationship this is going to be. And I am going to enjoy it. Huh huhuh. Nothing can upset me tonight. Heh. Because next week - right here - liiiive oooon Raaaaw...we are getting MARRIEDahuh. And later that night...hehehuh. We'll consummate our marriage. Ahuhuh." Lita slaps Kane. "Oh yeah! That's the way I like it!" Big response for that. "It's gonna be a HELL of a honeymoon! AHAHAHA!" BOOM!!!!

TONIGHT - Orton v. Benoit for the world title

LIVE!
8/20 - Bismarck Civic Center - Bismarck, ND
8/21 - Fargodome - Fargo, ND
8/22 - Palm Springs Convention Center - Palm Springs, CA
8/23 - Raw - Arrowhead Pond - Anaheim, CA
8/27 - World Arena - Colorado Springs, CO

Commercials

Here's a beautiful shot of the beautiful John Labatt Centre in beautiful London

Coach is with the seven lovely Diva contestants: Joy, Amy, Carmella, Tracie, Maria, Christy, Michelle. GO MICHELLE GO! Earlier they asked each diva that if they could vote off a fellow contestant, who would they vote off and why. Six of them say Carmella - guess which one doesn't? Carmella drops the biggest bomb, though - JOY HAS BABIES. I saw Amy in some Toby Keith video and it sucked. For all reasons possible. Amy says Carmella laughs at the wrestlers. Whatever, sucker, your boyfriend is a midget Brown. Anyway, they VOTE OFF MICHELLE. Well FUCK YOU. She only WON Diva Dodgeball. FUCK THAT SHIT!!!!! They keep the LEGITIMATELY UGLY Maria there and - augh augh augh augh I'm paying attention

CHRIS JERICHO WALKS

Commercials - good thing the Spike 52 hottest women will have comments from that unfunny retard puppet

Batista kills Edge of the week from Clearasil Ultra

CHRIS JERICHO (230, ramblin' man, with Clearasil Ultra presents Unforgiven on September 12 in Portland, Oregon) v. BATISTA (318, Washington, D.C., with The Nature Boy Ric Flair)
Referee: Mike Chioda

Jericho with those goddamn puppy dog eyes. Stop that Jericho. Jericho suckers Batista in and tries to attack the legs, but Batista is too strong. Boot and stomps. Not at the same time. JR calls the triple threat match with these two and Edge from last night "very competitive". Indeed. Lawler brings up his undefeated record at SummerSlam, wins over Bret Hart, Jake Roberts and Tazz. Kind of slid down the line over the years. Jericho thumbs Batista in the eye, up top and the double axhandle can't put Batista down. Jericho off the ropes, Flair trips him up and struts. Forearm across the chest over the apron. What? Elbow follows. Batista tells Chioda to shut up. Hard clothesline to the back of the head and Batista is rolling. Hairpull, off the ropes to try again, but Jericho turns and forearms him. Forearm again, off the ropes, crossbody is caught. Up to the shoulder, Jericho slides down and shoves Batista into the corner. Off the ropes, forearm puts Batista down. Enzuigiri! Batista falls into perfect position - RUNNING ROPE-ASSISTED MIKE ENOS! Jericho "skins the cat" according to JR, which apparently now means sliding down the back instead of being spinebustered. Walls of Jericho is countered. Flair is on the apron throwing his coat and eats springboard dropkick from Jericho. Batista tries for the KO lariat, but Jericho dropkicks him. "Bulldog", lionsault - no, Flair trips him up and Chioda calls for the bell. (DQ - 3'51") Flair and Batista are going to beat Jericho down. Spinebuster! But oh wait - you think you know him. Edge is down. Edge circles and tries to find an opening to get in. All the way around the ring. Then he locks eyes with Jericho...and decides to just leave. Oh. Ohhh. Ohhhhh. Jericho continues to be killed as Edge smirks - power bomb!

TONIGHT - Orton v. Benoit for the world title

Commercials

Let's revisit Diva Dodgeball via clips - look at awesome Michelle go. Fuck you voters

oh my god. oh my god. they're in BIKINIS! Well this puts tits in a whole new light.

JR and King talk about our main event tonight, but next Monday, there'll be a wedding in Anaheim. Let's again take a touching look at the video invitation. :) :')

Backstage, Orton paces nervously until TRIPLE H joins him. "Haha - didja see that? Batista KILLED Jericho! That was awesome. Y'alright? Listen. I know what you're feelin'. Biggest night of your life last night, right? Now tonight, you got Benoit breathin' down your neck and you're afraid everything's gonna slip right through your fingers first (something - stop mumbling, dick). But do you understand what you did last night, Randy? Hey! Do you understand what that title means, huh? Do you understand what being the world heavyweight champion means? Last night, you became the YOUNGEST world heavyweight champion in history - do you have any IDEA what that means? Randy, do you realize - you realize that Flair didn't even win his first world title until he was like...31 or somethin'? Do you understand the fact that guys like Dave Batista would - would give their ARM to get a SHOT at that world championship? And last night, you did what nobody could do, right? Last night, you did the undoable. You beat Chris Benoit right in the middle of that ring. Now you wanna know how you deal with tonight? You go out there, and you be Randy Orton. You be the guy that got you where you are! You rely on that talent, and you rely on that ability, and you rely on what brought you to the dance? And do you know what brought you to the dance, Randy? Evolution." "Yeah." "So you go out there tonight, and you be Randy Orton, you put out all that talent, all that ability, and you let Evolution take care of the rest. Because Randy, trust me - there is no problem. Because Evolution is your solution, man. Haha - you got me? So you go out there tonight, and you make history. You beat Benoit for the second night in a row. And when it's over, Evolution is gonna be in that ring with ya, and baby, we are gonna celebrate like only Evolution can." "Okay, okay." "Alright? Now you go to it - CHAMP."

Sucker.

Commercials

Official theme song of Unforgiven is "Survival of the Sickest" by Saliva

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
CHRIS BENOIT (challenger, 229, ramblin' man) v. RANDY ORTON (champion, 255, St. Louis, MO)

Referee: Jack Doan

Orton seems nervous. No falling pyro. Either Orton is ACTUALLY nervous or he's doing the best acting I've ever seen from him. RIGHT AWAY, Benoit charges and just starts beating the hell out of Orton. Vicious chops. Off the ropes, LEFT-ARM LARIAT! Yeah! Snap suplex! Off the ropes, hard elbowdrop. Off the ropes on the other side, hard elbowdrop. Benoit is POSSESSED. Back suplex, cover, 2. Chop! Orton finally lands a kick, but he's running scared. Forearm, forearm, forearm, forearm, forearm, forearm, forearm...forearm. Orton finally ducks down and sends Benoit, but Benoit's COMING BACK. Left-arm lariat! Yeah! Orton is SCURRED. Kick in the corner, to their feet, LEFT-ARM LARIAT! Yeah! Cover, 2, shoulder up. Orton is trying to flee. Forearm to the back, again, again, again. Snap suplex ("Fisherman buster!"). Orton with a thumb to the eye, european uppercut is countered with a backslide for two. Kick. CHOP! Chop! Chop! HEAD BUTT! Orton is getting KILLED! This is awesome. Up top, Benoit positions for a superplex, Orton tries to fight him off. It's to no avail - SUPERPLEX! Yeah baby yeah. Cover, 2, shoulder up again. Orton is crawling and trying to grab Benoit's leg, so Benoit steps back and fucking stomps him in the face. Northern lights suplex for another near-fall. Chop! Chop! Chop! Stumble on an Irish whip by Orton, they collide and Benoit knocks him down. Cover, 2. Legs swept, Benoit's going for the sharpshooter. Orton kicks him away, but Benoit's right back. Clothesline ducked, swept again, sharpshooter attempt again, but Orton is squirming. Orton rolls the hell out of the ring. Benoit goes for the suicide dive, Orton moves, Benoit doesn't go. Dropkick off the apron. Damn, what the hell. Benoit breaks the count, comes back, and sends him into the barricade. Chop! Kneebreaker onto the steps and Orton is writhing in pain. We have to go to a break! (6'50")

Commercials

We're back, and Benoit has Orton in the sharpshooter! Wow, an exciting comeback for once. A DECENT SHARPSHOOTER for once. This match is all kinds of remarkable thus far. Orton finally manages to get the ropes. Forearm, Orton goes down again and grabs at his leg. Benoit to the apron - forearm, suplex? Nope, Orton blocks. European uppercut! Dropkick sends Benoit to the floor. Outside, and Benoit is sent hard into the ringpost. Back inside, Orton covers for two and chokes away. Lots of stumbling from Orton. Great selling. Great, great selling. Wow. Kneedrop and Orton sells it like he just shot himself in the leg. Orton goes after the neck. Legdrop by Orton. European uppercut, and Orton goes to the CHINLOCK!! Wrench, Randy, wrench!!! Benoit with elbows, but Orton has him in the gutwrench "neckbreaker" from the shoulder - cover, 2. Right back to the chinlock. Benoit fights up again, this time Orton cuts him off with a reverse neckbreaker. Both men down, and the count is on. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, both up. Right from Benoit, right from Orton, Benoit, Orton, Benoit, Orton, Benoit, off the ropes and a vicious kneelift from Benoit. ORton with a kick to the stomach and the 3.0, and we've gone Benoit killing Orton to Benoit making one mistake, Orton slowing it down, and now they're fighting it out, evenly. This is like, you know, wrestling. Orton goes for the frog crossbody, but Benoit ducks and Orton meets canvas. Front suplex from Benoit - CUT DA T'ROAT! Diving headbutt connects! Cover, 2, NO! German suplex! #2! #3! Benoit hangs on - CRIPPLER CROSSFACE! Orton fights and fights, rolls - TO THE CENTER OF THE RING, AND IT'S STILL ON! Benoit's cranking back! Orton's going to tap (boos) - Benoit releases to hit Flair, hit HHH, hit Batista - RKO!!! 1, 2, 3! (10'03", 16'53" aired) That was a HELL of a match.

Evolution is in to celebrate. Hug from Flair, hug from HHH, Batista takes care of Benoit by sending him into the steps. HHH raises hands with Orton. Another hug from Flair. All these fine men rallying around their friend. Hug from Batista! Handshake from Triple H. Referees come to Benoit's aid outside, but we're focused on the Evolution party. HHH and Flair raise hands with Orton. Batista gets Randy up on his shoulders. HHH with the thumbs up... THUMBS. DOWN. Orton: "Fuck." Electric chair drop! The crowd is legitimately surprised. HHH mounts and pummels! Flair with rights! Batista kicks him, Batista with rights. HHH tells them to get him on his knees. Helmsley holds the title to Orton's face and yells at him. Slaps. Batista: "You are NOTHING without us!" Helmsley with a belt shot to the head. Orton is bleeding. HHH with the "douche douche douche!" punches. Sit-out power bomb! Ah hell, I might as well say it once: PEDIGREE TO ORTON! HHH: "You see that? You see this? It's me, it'll NEVER BE YOU! ORTON! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? THIS IS ME! THIS IS EVOLUTION!"

And we're out


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