WWE RAW - 08/09/04
by Scott Christ

CC - TV-14-DLV - SmackDown!/WWE Experience/Bottom Line/Velocity/Heat/Afterburn/Tough Enough - RAW - Attitude - Entertainment - Bischoff

It's the standard introductory music video package. I missed it! Sort of. Firework explosion! Play that ----in' music! Have you ever really listened to a real Union Underground song? Hilarious. TONIGHT! A contract signing - Lita, Kane and Matt Hardy! Ooh. TONIGHT! Chris Jericho v. Edge, it's non-title. A preview of SummerSlam (if you will). And are you ready for our main event? TONIGHT - Chris Benoit & Eugene v. HHH & Randy Orton.

THE COACH is in the ring with the Diva Wannabes. ENOUGH ALREADY! I just really can't take this anymore. I have had it with this crap. It is making this show unbearable single-handedly. Maybe the rest of it is really kinda boring. I can't tell, because I hate watching this anymore JUST because of THIS. Coach is going to eliminate one of them and she has to leave immediately. Oh but he's cut off, by RANDY ORTON. As if there weren't enough people who suck on the mic in the ring. "Coach, let's get this over with, why don't you let me do the honors? Please, please! AND THE LOSER IS...Chandra. Awwww! Aw, shucks! I guess ya ain't buyin' your sister that car now, are ya? Let's get it over with, this is my stage now, hugs...let's go, get out of the ring! Let's go - look at her everybody. Chandra, people, Chandra is leaving the ring...a loser. Any day! Is that a tear, are you sheddin' a tear?" No, she can't act. "No no, she's keeping those emotions deep down inside. Those emotions of failure, of denial. She has left the ring a loser, just like Chris Benoit is gonna leave the ring a loser at SummerSlam this Sunday! And that's not the only similarity that they have. Chris Benoit will have those same emotions as he walks up the ramp, with his back facing me. Feeling, as if he's gonna cry. Hiding those emotions, the denial, everything'll set in Sunday at SummerSlam. And it's gotta hurt! It's gotta hurt deep down inside, knowing that everything you've worked your entire life for, has been lost. Whether it be 250 grand, or whether it's the world heavyweight championship that you're going to lose. Now you people don't realize it now - but right now, you are witnessing history. (You suck!) You people are witnessing history, because this is the last time that Randy Orton will be in a WWE ring without the world heavyweight championship around his waist. Because at SummerSlam, at SummerSlam not only will history be made - but history will repeat itself. And in case you don't know what I'm talkin' about, would you please roll the footage?" Replay of Last Monday when Orton RKO'd and pinned Benoit. "You're right, King! You're right, it's destiny. It *is* destiny. It is *my* destiny. Pop quiz, everybody, pop quiz. What did you do when you were 24 years old? What did you do? What did you do? Up there! Fat girl in the front row, what did you do when you were 24 years old? Didja pay off that student loan? Didja finally get that brand new set o' wheels? Didja finally move out of your parents' basement? Well I'll tell ya what I got my mind set on. It's becoming the youngest world heavyweight champion - ever. The youngest world heavyweight champion IN history! And this Sunday at SummerSlam, nothing, nobody - NOBODY - is going to stop me from me having my date with destiny!"

CHRIS BENOIT probably disagrees. JR insinuates this is fair play, since Orton interrupted the freaking divas. "Well aren't we quite the mouthpiece, Randy Orton? Well since you're out here showin' footage, why don't we show all these people the footage of me making you TAP - OUT." Orton shoves Benoit. "What footage?! Footage of me tapping - there is no footage! Why?! Because it never happened! Benoit, you never made me tap out! You never made me -" CRIPPLER CROSSFACE! Orton taps! Whoa, Benoit is strutting like a badass. You tapped out! "Well let's play the footage of me making you tap out!" Benoit leaves. Roll the replay!

Commercials

STACY KEIBLER, NIDIA & VICTORIA (with Raw is brought to you by Subway and Anacondas) v. MOLLY HOLLY, JAZZ & GAIL KIM (with the two-hour finale of Joe Schmo 2): Yay, Nidia! Referee is Jack Doan. Victoria starts with Molly. Armwringer from Molly right away, Victoria hits the mat. Counter and reversal. Kick to the gut from Molly, still wearing a HILARIOUS wig, mind you, but Victoria maintains the advantage. Molly with another kick and two slams, face-first, to the mat. Tag to Gail, who runs into armdrags and an armbar. Tag to Stacy. Boo! Double whip off the ropes, double hiptoss by the faces. Stacy with the boot choke. Her legs are 41 1/2 inches, did you know? Stacy gets sent out to the floor and Molly jumps on her. Gail with the big Hogan legdrop - 1, 2, shoulder up. Cover again, another two-count. Into the heel corner and Jazz tags in. Jazz manages to lure Victoria in - Victoria wants to know if Jazz "wants some?" Vertical suplex gets two. Tag to Molly, she whips Jazz at Stacy, who gets a boot up. Hot tag is cut off and Molly nails Victoria and Nidia while she's at it. They put the one that can't wrestle as face-in-peril? I suppose, logically, it makes the most sense that she would be the one getting beaten up. Nidia takes the hot tag. Yay, Nidia! That's a really unique and attractive top for wrestling gear. Molly with a swinging neckbreaker, cover, 2, Victoria breaks. Victoria gets sent out and Gail dropkicks her. Everyone's on the floor, Jazz beating on Stacy and Gail on Victoria, and Nidia rolls Molly up inside the ring for the win. Yay, Nidia! (3'55") But WAIT! Here comes TRISH STRATUS, accompanied by TYSON TOMKO. Trish tells Tyson to take his leave, then approaches the ring and has words with the heels. She then has words with the other three, who SEND STACY OVER. Stacy has no luck. But whatever this is, they're all intrigued and...together? Oh duh - they're going to jump the diva wannabes.

HHH/Regal from last week in highlight form. I will BATTLE YOU with EVERY OUNCE of VILE AND VENOM that RUNS THROUGH MY VEINS!

Commercials - you know, helping your broke-legged friend off the ground when a semi hauling logs is coming toward him is a little different than going, "Dude, I think you have a drinking problem."

Here's a shot of - a hotel? Oh, EUGENE and WILLIAM REGAL are inside. Regal's all makeupped. "Eugene, it's going to be fine, just calm down." "I don't think you should be here, William. You got beat up bad last week. Triple H hit you with a sledgehammer. I don't wanna be here at the hotel, I wanna go to the arena. I have a match tonight with Chris Benoit. Against, against Randy Orton and Triple H, I don't, I don't wanna be at the hotel, I wanna be at the arena." "Look, Eugene, I've told you, if it's the last thing I do, with the last breath in my body, I'm going to be with you tonight. But it's not wise to go now. Listen, Eugene, if we go now, Evolution, they'll just be there and they'll ambush us. I'm in no shape to be fighting them all night. We need to go when it's match time. So let's just stay here in the hotel. Now, please, Eugene, just sit down there and watch some television, I need to rest for a while. No, I'm okay." "But I wanna go to the arena!" "Look, please, Eugene, just sit down in the chair, and rest until we need to go. Please, just sit down, watch...please. Just relax for a while." Regal heads into the other room, and Eugene heads out the door, assumedly to the arena. Retard.

Smackdown Rebound feat. Midget Undertaker and Orlando Jordan

Backstage, LITA sits. MATT HARDY enters. "Something's obviously wrong." He might not want to sign that contract! The baby isn't his - it's Kane's. She got a DNA test. Shut up, wrestling.

NEXT - contract signing

Commercials

Well, it's a contract signing. KANE has a certain pep to his step now, knowing his semen is powerful. This goes exactly how you might expect. Everyone signs, Matt Hardy turns the table over, hits Kane with Mongo's halliburton, and it's over.

SummerSlam spot with HHH in the hammer-throwing competition. He doesn't even throw a hammer. That one sucked.

Commercials

Here is a shot of the beautiful Gund Arena in beautiful Cleveland

We're down to seven diva wannabes, and the Coach is backstage. This week, they'll rub ice cream on their tits. That redhead is the kind of woman it should be okay to punch in the nose. I swear to God, I never really thought I'd be trying to watch pro wrestling, and something would start with a girl saying, "Hey, you guys! Look at this AWESOME ice cream cone!" Jesus Christ.

TONIGHT - Benoit & Eugene v. HHH & Orton

NEXT - Jericho v. Edge augh

Commercials

Whatever of the week presented by Anacondas is Edge and Jericho fighting last week

NON-TITLE MATCH - EDGE (Intercontinental Champion, 250, Toronto, ON, with YJ Stinger presents SummerSlam) v. CHRIS JERICHO (230, Manhasset, NY, with Edge v. Jericho v. Batista at SummerSlam): Referee is Chad Patton for this, our second match of the night. Staredown with Edge looking ready to go and Jericho looking like a puppy dog. God, Edge is tall. Collar-and-elbow, to the ropes, Edge pushes it to the corner. Break, and another collar-and-elbow. Waistlock from Edge, Jericho grabs an arm and goes into a hammerlock. Edge counters with a drop toe-hold, into a front facelock, Jericho counts into the hammerlock again. Double hammerlock now. Ask him! Back to just the left arm now, Edge elbows away. Right, right in the corner, whip is reversed, Edge hits "hard" and stumbles out. Jericho whips him in face-first into the other corner and knees him in the back. Edge on the apron, Jericho suplexes him back in. Back suplex to follow up and JR deems it an "arrogant, 'there-I-got-ya' cover" than one meant to win the match. That's one of Jericho's major problems in terms of his success, he can't help himself from insulting people. Sometimes, it really costs him. Sometimes he just ends up wrestling Tyson Tomko on PPV. Jericho with the chops. SummerSlam! WWE's version of the Summer Games! That's pretty lame. Edge gets knees into the gut on a splash attempt to turn the tide. JR figures we're at a stalemate, under five minutes into the match. Both of these men are looking worse for wear, under five minutes into the match. This match is, er, uh, boring. But I'm trying here. Check this out, I'm shooting: I took about 12 hours and a nap between the 2'59" mark of this match and picking it back up. Jericho with another chop, and Edge again manages to reverse momentum via not allowing Jericho to jump on him, this time in the corner, and this time countering with his boot rather than his knees. Jericho with an eyerake and a running forearm shot. OH LOOK OUT HERE - Jericho tries a springboard dropkick, and it misses. You really can't do "spear to the back of the opponent on the apron that sends him into the security barrier" every match. It's not something that works that way. Let's take a break. (7'49")

Commercials

We're back live and if you thought we'd come back to Edge controlling with a chinlock, give yourself a pat on the back. Or wonder why you're watching this. Jericho's aborted comeback is stopped with a kneelift. Jericho counters the flying nothing with a SCINTILLATING counter - a dropkick. Both men are down, let's have a replay. On their feet and they slug it out. Jericho reverses a whip and hits a spinning heel kick. 98% of whips in the WWE are reversed. Drop toe-hold puts Edge over the ropes, and WTF is the running rope-assisted Mike Enos? That's what it is. Edge isn't having the "bulldog", so he hits a big boot. From whining about his friend eliminating him from a battle royal to that big boot, it's clear Edge learned much from his partnership with Hogan. Cover, 2, no. Jericho with a 'RANA, oh snap, for two. Yahhhh! Jericho hits a jogging clothesline, and now he'll set for a spear - of his own. Oh my. Jogging spear is met with a knee. Jericho needs to work on his running skill. Edge tries the Walls of Jericho. How STUPID, that move doesn't even work when Jericho does it. Edgecution gets a near-fall. More staggering and being fatigued, Edge sends him into the ropes but Jericho holds the ropes on a dropkick. Lionsault meets knees. Jesus Christ, these two can't hit anything. Knees, boots, elbows, no moves! No moves! NO MOVES! Spear is avoided by Jericho, as he rolls to the outside, but Edge baseball slides him. Back in and Edge goes up top. He is, shockingly, crotched on the top turnbuckle. Jericho climbs up, they trade rights, and Jericho goes for a superplex - Edge blocks and counters by suplexing him off, sternum-first. Sternum sternum sternum. Missile dropkick hits - cover, 2. Ohhhh the drama. I am intrigued! The resiliency! The will to win! Hell yeah! Hell yeah! I love it! DDT is countered, Jericho sweeps the legs and goes for the Walls. Edge *counters* for a *near-fall*. Kick to the gut, right, Edge off the ropes, walks right into the sleeper drop. Cover, 2!!!!!! Another "bulldog" attempt is countered and Jericho gets his groin sent into the middle turnbuckle. Edge goes for the spear, Jericho leapfrogs, Edge hits the buckle, Jericho rolls him up, feet on the ropes, 2, 3. (8'40" - 16'39" aired) I would like to not complain about a 17-minute Jericho match on free TV but this was boring, repetitive and so formulaic and uninteresting to watch that I wanted to fart through most of the second half of it. Counter, counter, counter, near-fall! Big move! Near-fall! We are tired! Near-fall! God. Edge is the absolute shitty stinking pits at this type of match. Maybe it's just me.

Post-match, BATISTA runs in to beat on Edge, and Jericho just...leaves. Ooh. Those three men will battle this Sunday!

Eugene arrives at the arena.

SummerSlam! Benoit v. Orton! Eugene v. HHH! Angle v. Eddie! Undertaker v. JBL! Sunday!

Commercials

Last Monday, HHH bloodied Regal in the YJ Sting of the Week

Here comes Eugene. "Trepple Aych! Trepple Aych! I want Trepple Aych!" He has no microphone. A production guy helpfully gets him one. "Trepple Aych! Trepple Aych! You - you hurt my friend! You hurt William Regal! Come out here now! Come on, come out here naoww. Trepple Aych come out here naowww!" TREPPLE AYCH appears on the Tron, and he's...orange. "Eugene! Eugene! Eugene! Stop! Stop. And listen. That's it. Now, Eugene - Eugene, I know you're mad. But, trust me, you're mad at the wrong guy, Eugene. You're over there, you're yellin' for me, you shouldn't be mad at me, Eugene, you should be mad at yourself. See, it's not my fault. I tried to tell ya. Eugene, I tried to tell ya, ya didn't belong. Get out of the business, you don't belong. And ya didn't listen, didja? No, that's your problem - you don't listen. So I showedja. I proved to ya that ya didn't belong here, but ya didn't listen. That's why you came back! That's why you cost me MY world heavyweight championship, Eugene! Didja - did you think for one second that I was just gonna, to, to let that go? Huh? Did, did you think that I wasn't gonna answer that? Huh? I sent you a message last week - LOUD and CLEAR, through William Regal, with a sledgehammer, and yet, you didn't listen Eugene! Because there you stand, in that ring, you still didn't get the message. Yeah, I-I-I dunno, am I-am I-am I-am I just not being clear, Eugene, is that the problem, huh? Am I not being clear, or are ya just stupid? I'm guessin' you're stupid, Eugene. Because all of this is your fault. And William Regal clearly told you tonight to stay put, to stay in your hotel room. And yet there you stand, in that ring, yelling for me. And here I am...at your hotel room. And ya see, Eugene, just like everything else that's happened, what happened here...that's your fault, too." William Regal is bloodied and gagged, his hands tied together. HHH hammers away further and yells at Eugene. Helmsley says he'll put Eugene out of the business at SummerSlam. Eugene emotes, and runs away. Eugene runs like he's shit in his pants. I would want to see Eugene race Jericho.

Commercials

Ric Flair is a legendary pro wrestler who will be immortalized through great matches and stuff, but look, he's a bitchy old man too! Buy his book!

TONIGHT - Benoit & Eugene v. HHH & Orton

The next match has a special stipulation: if Rhyno & Tajiri win in two minutes or less, they'll get a shot at the world tag team title at SummerSlam.

TAJIRI & RHYNO (combined 491) v. BRENT ALBRIGHT & CHRIS CAGE (not introduced): Referee is Mike Chioda. Tajiri starts with...Albright. Thanks, JR. Cage interrupts a cover after a superkick. Tajiri continues to dominate. Spinning heel kick, cover, 2. Tag to Rhyno. Backdrop is telegraphed and Rhyno spasms or something. One minute gone. Tag to Cage, powerslam gets a near-fall that's broken again. LA RESISTANCE watch at ringside. Rhyno calls for the gore. Well hurry up dude. Hey get up, Cage, don't miss your cue. GOOORE! GOOOORE! GOOOOOORE! La Resistance distract Chioda, and he counts - 1, nope, didn't even get one in. (2'00" draw) Conway should keep that beard. Makes him look swarthy. You know how swarthy the French are.

Vote Next! No!

SummerSlam promo with Eddie Guerrero in a spring. Look how he dwarfs them all. Eddie has glued them to their starting blocks. Bahahaha. Sunday!

Commercials

Coach leads his whores to the ring. Here come the REAL Divas, though they do allow all of the fake ones to dance and strut their stuffs. Trish would like a microphone. The fake divas seem happy to be in the same ring with the real ones. "Hey girls. Sorry to interrupt your little contest thingamajiggie here." HIGHSPOT! "But I just spoke to Eric Bischoff, who has graciously accepted - thank you, Eric - a little idea I had for SummerSlam. So, in the spirit of the summer games, in the spirit of competition, we - the seven divalicious divas - will be facing YOU, the 123456se - perfect! Seven Raw diva contestants! In a good, old-fashioned game of diva dodgeball. So, good luck, losers - oh! I mean, ladies! 'Cause you're gonna need it." Jazz throws ball at one of them. So they all laugh and clap. Nidia throws it again. Same reaction. Argh. You thought Torrie Wilson was bad, didn't you? You thought, "Oh, come now, can it really be THAT bad? Can they be worse than eye-candy like Torrie or Stacy?" YES! YES A THOUSAND TIMES! MY KINGDOM FOR TORRIE READING SHAKESPEARE

Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues (by Rush), and Michael Cole and Tazz are in Area 51 to hype the Smackdown matches for this Sunday. Booker T v. John Cena! Eddie Guerrero v. Kurt Angle! Rey Mysterio, Billy Kidman & Paul London v. Those Damn Dudleyz! Undertaker v. JBL!

Tonight's gracious hosts of WWE Raw are JIM ROSS and THE KING. They'll let you (and me, too) know what's up from Raw for SummerSlam. Chris Benoit v. Randy Orton! Edge v. Batista v. Chris Jericho! Kane v. Matt Hardy! Triple H v. Eugene!

Backstage, HHH fiddles with his t-shirt. Flair and Orton stand around. HHH takes his shirt off. He shouldn't do that around Orton. HHH gurgles water all over himself. Ugh.

Commercials jackpaht JACKPAHT

HHH and Orton are out for the match, and Benoit follows. Benoit takes Lilian's mic. "Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Congrat-ulations, Triple H. That was real slick. Good move. Eugene's gone back to the hotel! But that makes no difference to the Wuhl-vuh-reen! No. That makes no difference to the Wlolvahrine because I'll take on BOTH you SOBs right here and now, ring that damn bell!"

HANDICAP MATCH - RANDY ORTON & TRIPLE H (combined 520, with The Nature Boy Ric Flair) v. CHRIS BENOIT (World Heavyweight Champion, 229, now residing in Atlanta, GA): Earl Hebner is your referee, as Benoit launches his attack by flooring both and then chopping them. Forearm shots for HHH, kicks, chops to Orton. Whip, forearm shiver. HHH takes the forearm shiver. Orton is chopped. Orton: "OHHHH!" Baseball side on HHH, snap suplex on Orton. HHH tries to sneak up, German? No. Nevermind, yes. Twice. Thrice. Cut da t'roat! Orton is nailed off the apron and Benoit heads up. Flair is in the way but he's headbutted right in the face. Or did he punch him. Who can tell? Flair manages to cut Benoit off anyway. Benoit and HHH are both down. Tag to Orton. And he will punch Benoit in the chest: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Standing dropkick, DOOH! Tag to HHH, who grounds Benoit quickly and then hits arguably the worst drop toe-hold I have ever seen. Orton tags in with a flying stomp. European uppercut, and another one. Orton makes some really questionable faces. More European uppercuts. Whip to the corner and Benoit hits hard. Tag to Helmsley. Hanging vertical suplex and a kneedrop for two. Tag to Orton, and Benoit chops away at HHH. That does him no good. Orton grinds on the chinlock. Orton sure is growling a lot in this match. Errrrrragghhh, errrrrrrghh, ehhhhgrghghgrhg. Orton lets it go, kneedrop gets two. Tag back to Helmsley. Benoit starts firing back and making his comeback, but it's cut short with a spinebuster. Cover, 2, shoulder up. Benoit is sent to the floor and they distract Hebner, allowing Flair to get some cheapshots in to the cheapest place to shoot. Back in and another near-fall. Orton makes the tag, gets cradled, and then lariats Benoit down. Up top and he's crotched. HHH comes in, but he meets Orton's dong with his head, and is then German suplexed onto his now penised head. Superplex on Orton! Everyone's down and Benoit has backdrops and chops and whatnot. Pedigree? No, by the ropes, so HHH ends up on the floor. Sharpshooter on Orton! Flair on the apron, down he goes, Orton tries to sidle but is crossfaced. Flair's in and he kicks for the DQ. (10'41")

Benoit puts it to Flair, but HHH is in - PEDIGREE! HHH recklessly throws that production guy that gave Eugene a mic earlier into the crowd in order to steal his chair. Do you think that guy makes a big deal about how he took a bump? Anyway, Eugene comes in to cut off any more shenanigans and does a number on all of Evolution with his horrible punches and a stunner on Orton as we cut off. SUMMERSLAM IS SUNDAY!!!

BACK