WWE RAW - 07/19/04
by Scott christ

Sorry about no recap last week, I got back from dinner late and missed the first half-hour, and stupidly forgot to put my digital on SpikeTV instead of ESPN, so I had half an hour of the HR derby instead of Raw. But I'm here now! Also, thanks to Feely for filling in with Impact! last week while I was out and about watching Three Dog Night and Blue Öyster Cult and throwing balls at beer bottles. Blue Öyster Cult was awesome and I won a dog.

LAST WEEK, Eugene was bloodied and humiliated by Evolution. The Mick Foley victory lap was really cool.

We are LIVE on July 19, 2004 from the MCI Center in Washington, District of Columbia, and TRIPLE H is on his way to the ring. HHH should consider more golf shirts and less sportcoats with shoulderpads, this looks much better. "I know, I know a lotta you - a lot of ya aren't, aren't too happy about, uh, about what I did last week. And I - I know, believe it or not, believe it or not, I'm not too proud of myself, either. No, I mean it. I've done a lot of low things in my life, I have, I admit that. But, uh, what I did last week was, uh, was probably even below me. What I did to Eugene last week, it made me feel ... rotten inside. I felt terrible, it burned in my gut. It tied my stomach in knots. I felt horrible, it made me feel sick. I felt ... pain. It was a horrible feeling. And I - I was startin' to think to myself, God, can I, can I really feel this bad for what I did to poor, innocent Eugene last week? And just as I was startin' to think that, that's when it happened. That's when it happened. Thbbbbpt! I farted! That's right! But once I got it out, I felt better! Just like last week with Eugene. Once I got rid of it, I felt great! Now Eugene, I know you're sittin' at home this week, you're sittin' on the couch with your mommy, and you're watchin' Raw, so Eugene, I have something to say to you, and I want you to listen up real good, okay? So you move closer to the TV. C'mon, Eugene, c'mon, move closer. That's it. C'mon, Eugene, closer than that, I wanna make sure you hear this, I won't hurt you. C'mon. That's it. I wanna make sure you hear this, Eugene. I have something important to tell you. Eugene. I. Hate. You. I was never your friend! I don't like you. Evolution doesn't LIKE YOU. You were never part of Evolution! Evolution HATES YOU, Eugene! *I* hate you, Eugene! Everybody - EVERYBODY - hates you, Eugene! Y'hear that? Y'hear that, Eugene? They're not booin' me, they're booin' YOU, Eugene. You know why? You know why? Because you're an EMBARRASSMENT. That's right - everybody you have ever met is ashamed of you. Evolution is ashamed of you, I'm ashamed of you, EVERYONE is ashamed of you, Eugene. Including your mom. That's right! Hi, Mrs. Dinsmore! I know you're sitting on the couch, next to your son with your arm around him, tellin' him, 'Oh, don't listen to him, Eugene, don't listen to him.' But Eugene, you look your mom in the eye, and you'll know, deep down inside her, your mom is ashamed of you, Eugene. I did the world a favor last week. Eugene, you have no business trying to be in the WWE. You have no business trying to be a superstar! You have no business trying to be ... normal. That's right, Eugene. You. Are. Pathetic. Now I know pathetic is a big word, Eugene, and you might not understand what that means, so I put together a little bit of footage to help ya out. Y'see, it's footage from last week, after I beat ya up. It's footage of your good friends, Chris Benoit and William Regal - Eugene I want you to watch this footage, and you will understand what pathetic means. Now roll the footage."

And it's rolled. Regal CRIES. Eugene is stretchered out. "Are they crying? Are they crying? Was William Regal and Chris Benoit just crying? Did I see that right? There's no crying in wrestling!" Stop getting cheap pops, you fag. "Ladies and gentlemen, that was your world heavyweight champion, Chris Benoit, crying like a little baby! Now THAT - THAT is PATHETIC!"

I'm Back! ERIC BISCHOFF is on his way down. "Triple H, you are so right, that IS - pathetic. But I want you to know, I talked to my sister this morning, and it's official - Eugene is HISTORY! Gone from Raw forever, all thanks to you. And Triple H, I wanna reward you. You deserve a lot and you're gonna get a lot. Now if they think they had a big championship match inside of a steel cage last week on Smackdown, wait'll they see what we're gonna do on Raw LIVE from PITTSBURGH next week! Oh yeah! Because for the first time in history, it's gonna be Chris Benoit and TRIPLE H. In a sixty-minute iron man match! For the world heavyweight title! Now Triple H, for a match of that magnitude, I know you gotta prepare, rest up, take some time off, so, I'm gonna give ya the night off. I'm just lookin' out for ya. But just so I don't disappoint all you people, YOUR champion Chris Benoit will be in action tonight, when he faces BATISTA!" "Gee, Uncle Eric! I can't thank ya enough. 'Cause let me tell ya somethin' - there is not a man alive that can hang with me in this ring for sixty minutes. Chris Benoit wants to cry like a little baby? Well I'm gonna give him somethin' to cry about. Next week, I am gonna beat him like I beat Eugene last week, for sixty minutes -" You tapped out! "Well if ya don't like that, listen to this, because when the sixty minutes are over, I'm gonna walk outta there with MY world heavyweight championship."

"You two gentlemen must be very proud of yourselves." Oh shit it's WILLIAM REGAL, calm like a bomb. "You for having what you've done to that poor, dear boy Eugene. Pathetic you call me, maybe. Perhaps I am. But I'll admit I'm not frightened of shedding a tear or two. But I'm also not frightened of you. Eugene, I hope you're watching, dear boy. Because this is for you." Off comes the coat and oh shit Regal is going to fuck shit up AND HE DOES! Regal with lefts and he is hammering HHHH with shots to the face! HHH goes down! Kick! HHH goes out! Regal goes after him with more lefts! Regal peppers HHH and blocks a ram into the steps. Regal puts HHH into the steps! Regal continues kicking serious ass! Security is out. Is that Pete Gas? I KNOW that's JOHN WALTERS. Regal is dragged out with a crazed look in his eyes and I would love to see Regal/HHH at SummerSlam. European rules!

TONIGHT - Edge v. Randy Orton for the IC title

TONIGHT - more Divas garbage

Commercials: Joe Schmo 2, Skittles, Hellboy on DVD, Castrol GTX High Mileage, 1-800-CALL-ATT, Bedroom Expressions (local), Patio Enclosures Inc. (local)

Sting of the Night - Rhyno beats Conway last week

We're live and LA RESISTANCE are waving their flags in the ring. Conway takes the mic: "Tonight, La Resistance stands in the middle of your nation's capital. And since your country claims to be the home of freedom of speech, and freedom of expression, we would like to express ourselves, by singing OUR Canadian national anthem, in French." Grenier does so. And of course he's cut off. Will he ever learn?

SYLVAIN GRENIER (unannounced, with Robert Conway) v. TAJIRI (unannounced, with Rhyno): Tajiri leads a USA chant pre-match. Your referee is Chad Patton. Tajiri with a couple kicks. Flip out of a suplex. Hilariously awful miscommunication on the handspring back elbow, so Tajiri kicks him square in the ass hole. Spinning heel kick puts Grenier down, cover, referee is distracted by Conway. Conway is kicked. Grenier with a suplex and kneedrop for two. Shoulderblocks in the corner, choke over the ropes broken at four. Grenier with another kick, corner whip, terrible standing dropkick from Grenier. JR calls it "very nice" anyway. Who the fuck is he kidding? Backbreaker gets two. Chinlock. Grenier's chinlock isn't too bad, at least. It's not great. Tajiri with elbows to the gut, off the ropes, held, kick to the face on a telegraphed backdrop. Handspring back elbow connects properly this time, cover, 2. Superkick, cover, 2. Buzzsaw kick misses, Grenier schoolboys him for two. Into the corner, Tajiri kicks up and hooks the tarantula. Conway distracts the referee, which gets Rhyno on the apron, and Rhyno's intereference allows Conway to break the tarantula. Kind of an inverted Rydeen bomb, cover with the tights pulled, 2, 3. (3'31") I think the less said the better. Replays show Grenier can't even grab the tights right. Oops. Okay, less said NOW.

Last week there were house shows.

NEXT - Highlight Reel with ten Diva Search finalists. Get warm, FF.

Commercials: The Bourne Supremacy, YJ Stinger, 1-800-CALL-ATT (2), Burger King, truth, Starburst Sour, Ashen for N-Gage QD

Stacy Keibler SummerSlam spot

It's time for the Highlight Reel. I'm sorry, I can't do this. Short story: Jericho has the Divas out, he convinces them there's an immunity envelope in Bischoff's office, and that they have to ransack it to find it. Then Bischoff finds them in his destroyed office and yells at them. Some of them laugh. The black girl (Tracie) does a fair job acting. Everyone else can go die. Girl in pink's dress nearly comes off during ransacking. One girl calls Jericho "Eugene". Girls are stupid. Test has immunity. Also, black girl (Tracie) walking by Jericho makes Jericho look bad as she's about four inches taller than him. They did have fitting entrance music ("Walk, Idiot, Walk" by The Hives - terrible band, terrible song)

Commercials: Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, Game Boy Advance, Castrol GTX High Mileage (2), Subway, Foot Locker, Champion at Target

TYSON TOMKO (285, Jacksonville, FL, with Trish Stratus) v. THE HURRICANE (215, with Stacy Keibler): Okay. Tomko was initially 310. Pre-Vengeance Heat: 285. Next night's Raw: 310. This week: 285. Weird diet. Hurricane has Keibler as a surprise equalizer. At least I think that's the point. Does she really have a use anymore? Hurricane's kryptonite is ass. Tomko talks at Keibler and Hurricane jumps from behind. Tomko goes for a big boot, Hurricane holds the ropes - "Whassupwitdat?!" Tomko chases Hurricane to the outside, and Stacy makes a distraction of herself by sticking her ass in Tomko's face. Never one to pass up ogling, Tomko is caught off-guard with a dropkick through the ropes from Hurricane. Back in and Hurricane is headed up. Tomko cuts him off with a right and gorilla presses him off and onto the ropes. Tomko mounts and pummels. Blatant Choke. JR takes the time to let us know that Tomko is raw and strong and isn't a good wrestler. Tomko charges the corner, Hurricane gets an elbow up and hits a blockbuster. Dropkick, but Tomko comes back with a forearm and whip into the corner. JR has news - tonight, Jericho v. Kane. Ugh. Hurricane grabs Trish, but turns around into the big boot. 1, 2, 3. (2'16") Trish sticks Stacy in the gut with her cast, and throws her in for Tomko. Oh man it's ROSEY - ROSEY HAS GRADUATED! Rosey clotheslines Tomko out. "Rosey" chant - what the fuck. Stacy is happy that she isn't dead.

Backstage, RIC FLAIR and BATISTA walk. HHH needs a word with Batista.

Commercials: 1-800-CALL-ATT (3), Gatorade, Thunderbirds, Snickers Marathon, Arby's, Blockbuster, Comcast Spotlight (local), Centennial Wireless (local)

Your hosts are JIM ROSS and JERRY THE KING LAWLER. Let's talk about Flair's book, and let's shit all over Bret Hart and Mick Foley right quick. Boy that Flair tells it like it is!!! Legendary wrestlers sure are a bunch of bitchy old men.

NON-TITLE MATCH - CHRIS BENOIT (World Heavyweight Champion, 229, now residing in Atlanta, GA, with Raw is brought to you by Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, Burger King and N-Gage QD) v. BATISTA (318, with Ric Flair): Your referee is Earl Hebner. Batista is over big in his hometown even though they wisely don't announce it. Collar-and-elbow, Batista powers Benoit to the corner immediately. Turned around. Chop - no-sell. Chop - no-sell. Chop - no-sell and Batista throws Benoit down, then runs him over. Batista with knees into the back. Shoulderblocks in the corner and a choke. Up for a slam, Benoit slides down. German suplex! German suplex! German suplex! Cut da t'roat! Batista stirs so Benoit dropkicks him in the face. This match is awesome. Yeah, we're a minute and a half in and I'm calling it awesome. Batista with more choking, a right, and another choke. More choking after a scolding from Earl. Another scolding and Earl's getting all up in Batista's grill. I hate Earl nowadays. Benoit tries the sharpshooter, Batista kicks him away, but Benoit comes back and tries again. Same result. German suplex! Batista bails and Benoit follows. Batista chokes Benoit into the post, throws a clothesline, but Benoit ducks. Benoit wants a crossface outside, but Batista tosses him away into the post. So two postings. Benoit gets dropped over the wall and Batista breaks the count. Batista with a forearm over the apron and Earl is back in the grill. Mount-and-pummel, shut up Earl. Benoit has a boot in his face and he seems uncomfortable. "Ba Tis Ta" chant. Vertical suplex, choke with the knee. "Chris Ben Wah" chant. Batista with more of the famed WWE pound n' ground. More knees into the back of the head. Into the corner and Batista hits a kneelift. Shoulderblock. Shoulderblock. Shoulderblock. Benoit throws forearms to fight back, but Batista drags him out for a spinebuster. This is just a beating. More pound n' ground. Batista puts Benoit on the middle of the ropes, right hand, and Benoit's foot is caught. Batista to the floor - KICK RIGHT TO THE HEAD! That looked awesome. And another! Earl calls for the bell. (DQ - 6'40") Batista with another kick and he backs some referees down too. It dawns on JR - Batista never tried to pin Benoit. He was just beating the shit out of him. Works for me, and this came off real well. Batista power bombs Benoit to a big pop. I wonder if it "dawns on" anyone that HHH is the least over member of Evolution.

TONIGHT - Edge v. Orton

Commercials: Castrol GTX High Mileage (3), YJ Stinger (2), 1-800-CALL-ATT (4), Burger King (2), Some Kind of Monster, Bond on SpikeTV

Moments Ago, Batista kicked Benoit right in the head, and then Benoit was helped out

Harold & Kumar present Lita serving Kane

Backstage, LITA comes up on MATT HARDY talking to A FAT GUY. "Matt!" "Hey." "Hi. Look - I know you told me to stay away from you, but there's just one thing I wanna tell you." "Look, I don't mind speaking with you, but I really don't have a take on this. I'm not really sure where I stand, and I don't know how to handle all this right now. That's honest." "That's fine, Matt. And you take all the time that you need to figure it out. But I want you to know where I stand. Matt, I love you to death. And I'd love if we could be together. But I'm going to have this baby. With. Or without you."

RANDY ORTON is with TODD GRISHAM. As always, Todd says something that infuriates Orton, and it causes Orton to say whoa. "Whoa whoa whoa, hold on just a second! Do you know who you're talkin' to? I'm Randy Orton, 'kay? STILL a member of Evolution. STILL the Legend Killer. You wanna talk about losses? TODD? Have a look at the back of my t-shirt." Fabulous Moolah, Shawn Michaels, Stone Cold, Sgt. Slaughter, Rob Van Dam, Booker T, Mick Foley, Cactus Jack, Harley Race "Well hell yeah it's impressive! Foley, Stone Cold, HBK - they're all on there, baby. I humiliated them ALL, okay? And - and the lucky win Edge had? That's all it was was luck. To me Edge is a fluke, okay? His first Intercontinental reign was one day. Mine lasted seven entire months, okay? Tonight, I'm gonna get my title back. I'm gonna do it in the middle of that ring, and I'm gonna prove to everbody -" Fat girls squeal because EDGE is here. "Can I help you?" "No! But I did think you needed to know somethin'. You see I didn't come back after bein' out for over a year just to be a statistic on a Randy Orton t-shirt. I mean, it's a nice little t-shirt ya got there. But I got somethin' better to wear. I got you figured out, Randy! I got you all figured out. You have some serious self-confidence issues. Yeah, I mean you're like a little kid, you always need approval, but I get it. I feel your pain, Randy. See, I'd have some confidence issues if MY dad made his living being Rowdy Roddy Piper's personal bitch. And just think, if ol' Cowboy Bob hadda worn a condom, instead of a cast all those years, we wouldn't even be havin' this conversation. See ya in the ring, Randy!" "Yeah! Yeah, okay, say your piece! Say - talk and run, Edge! That's right. That's right, tonight, when I get my title back, then you'll be my bitch."

The phone lines are open! Vote for your favorite Diva! We voted for Tracie.

Commercials: Bond on SpikeTV (2), Burger King (3), 1-800-CALL-ATT (5), Castrol GTX High Mileage (4), Snickers Marathon (2), Country Carpet Shoppe (local), Morales v. Hernandez (local), Joe Schmo 2 (2)

The official theme song of SummerSlam is "Summertime Blues" by Rush - are you fucking kidding? At the same time, a refreshing change of pace from nu-metal. God, happy to have Rush. What a world wrestling is.

CHRIS JERICHO (230, Manhasset, NY) v. KANE (320, homeless): Your referee is Chad Patton. Jericho attacks quickly, but Kane is bigger and stronger. Hard right puts Jericho down. Whip to the corner, Jericho gets the boot up. Jericho off the ropes, and Kane gets a boot up. Elbowdrop, elbowdrop, off the ropes, legdrop. Cover, 2. Jericho comes back with chops, whip to the corner is reversed short and Kane hits a running clothesline. Camel clutch from Kane. Kane releases and whips him to the corner. Charge, avalanche misses and Jericho goes up top. Flying back elbow hits, two count. Slugfest, big boot ducked, legs taken out, and Jericho's walls are useless as usual. Drop toe-hold puts Kane over the second rope, and the running rope-assisted Mike Enos hits. "Bulldog" to follow, Kane lays in the position where it's cool for him to sit up. Nevermind, Jericho just misses a lionsault and hurts his knee. Kane throws him to the floor and follows. Two shots into the ringpost for Kane, and a running enzuigiri puts him down. Count is on - Kane sits up at eight, but he's counted out. Boy Kane's a fucking puss, he's the only guy that ever gets counted out. (4'15")

"Hey hey, Jericho! Hold on, hold on, hold on. You didn't win anything! 'Cause this match can't end on a countout or a disqualification. Shut up! Listen to me. This match is now falls count anywhere. And it continues right damn now!" Oh good.

Bell rings. Kane smiles. Let's go to a break. (0'11")

Commercials: YJ Stinger (3), Thunderbirds (2), Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Jungle Storm for N-Gage QD, Starburst Sour (2), 1-800-CALL-ATT (6), King of the Jungle on Animal Planet, Taco Bell, Stridex

We're back and Kane uppercuts Jericho down. Jericho grabs the ropes and taunts. I'm really sick of that spot. Kane goes to the floor and gosh, it's the crossbody to the floor as Kane stands around and watches and waits. Cover, 2. During Break, Jericho was sent face-first into the entrance set. Jericho chokes, backs away, runs, and gets hotshotted on the security wall. Cover, 2. Let's go into the crowd. Kane throws Jericho into some guardrailing, covers, and gets another near-fall. Jericho with rights, Kane fires back. Eye rake from Kane and they walk around and walk around and Kane punches and shit. This stinks. Kane gets his head bounced off the hockey wall on a drop toe-hold. There's the crane camera spot. Cover, oh but here is BATISTA! Batista sends Jericho into the hockey wall, sets - lariat! "Ba Tis Ta!" Jericho's KO'd again. Kane gets over and covers - 1, 2, 3. (4'32" - 4'43" aired) These two are so bad together, I hope I never see them wrestle again. Batista strikes a handsome pose. What a good-looking man.

We have a mix-up and our live dates clash with Harold & Kumar, then we get a grey screen. Oh here we go.

LIVE!
nope nevermind, just the end of it

Commercials: Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2), Castrol GTX High Mileage (5), truth (2), Driv3r, Champion at Target (2), Stridex (2), Taco Bell (2)

Here's a shot of the beautiful MCI Center in beautiful Washington

Let's welcome some very special people. The troops of the Walter Reed Medical Hospital.

JR and the King are going to talk up the Democratic National Convention in Boston since Stacy Keibler will be there. Raw Diva Search garbage.

THE COACH is out to introduce the Diva wannabes - IN BIKINIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a bunch of skanks.

Smackdown Rebound feat. Kurt Angle, Not Crippled

NEXT - Edge v. Orton

Commercials: Some Kind of Monster (2), Game Boy Advance (2), Burger King (4), 1-800-CALL-ATT (7), Gatorade (2), Hellboy on DVD (2), my local Dodge truck dealers (local), Afdent (local)

SummerSlam spot with Los Dos Chavos

NEXT WEEK - Chris Benoit v. HHH in a 60-minute iron man match

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - RANDY ORTON (challenger, 255, St. Louis, MO, with YJ Stinger presents WWE SummerSlam on August 15) v. EDGE (champion, 250, Toronto, ON): They really need to stop it with Edge's smoke machines because they go CHOO! CHOO! CHOOOOO! (not like a train) and make his music sound stupid. Not that the music isn't stupid anyway. Mike Chioda is the referee. Side headlock and a drop toe-hold from Orton, both back to their feet. C&E, Edge goes to a waistlock, and gets a waistlock takedown. Orton stands it up and reverses. Edge with a takeover, Orton comes back with a headscissors. Out of that, both up, both try a dropkick and soooomeone's been watching their Jerry Lynn. I wish Jerry Lynn would stop watching his Jerry Lynn. But that is neither here nor there. Orton to the corner, Edge charges, backdrop to the apron, Edge starts targeting the left arm with Orton and going to town. Edge with a forearm, another, and Orton is in trouble. Another forearm. They aren't Chris Hero forearms but I still love a good forearm. They are BJ Whitmer forearms, though. Edge stays on the left arm with the armwringer. Off the ropes, Orton reverses and ... sends Edge into the ropes? Which hurts him? He did go in face-first but still. Neck/backbreaker and Edge bails. Orton follows and takes a moment to fix his elbowpad. "Move!" Back suplex right on the security wall. That's awesome. Edge is hurt and Orton is back in. Orton taunts and we go to break. (3'42")

Commercials: Joe Schmo 2 (3), Skittles (2), The Bourne Supremacy (3), 1-800-CALL-ATT (8), Castrol GTX High Mileage (6), YJ Stinger (4), Diva stuff, Bond on SpikeTV (3)

We're back and Orton FREAKS OUT FREAKS OUT with this neck vice, nodding like a happy girl in anime. Not that I watch anime. Dorks. Edge punches out of that but Orton stays right on him. Orton with something that resembles a camel clutch. I'm not making fun of his camel clutch, it isn't one. It resembles one. Edge has a good faraway look in his eyes and JR makes note of it. Orton goes to a sleeper. Edge elbows out, off the ropes, clothesline ducked, off the other side, mid-air collision on crossbodies. JR really wants this to be the greatest series of matches that's ever happened. I appreciate his enthusiasm for these two guys, but I'm watching a pretty good match, not Flair/Steamboat. Randy Orton Corny Slugfest That He Loses, and Edge does a big boot? That's what he learned from teaming with Hogan. Russian legsweep, cover, 2. Orton comes back and goes up top - frog crossbody misses and Orton lands hard. Edge with the Oklahoma roll, two count! Front suplex over the top rope, followed up with a spear to the back that sends Orton to the wall. Orton back in, Edge goes up this time. Missile dropkick hits! Cover, 2, shoulder up. Edge has spirit fingers! Orton avoids the spear (he fears the spear), but Edge puts the brakes on in the corner. Edgecution! 1, 2, shoulder up! Edge back up and this is obvious - Orton ducks the crossbody and Mike Chioda is smeared. Orton with an eyepoke and a nice European uppercut. Orton retrieves a chair, goes to swing, but SPEAR! Cover, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, etc. as Chioda is still gone. Edge tries to get Chioda back up. He turns his attention back to Orton - low blow! RKO! Orton has the cover, Chioda crawls - 1. 2. Shoulder up! Orton keeps holding his ribs from the spear and both struggle up. Edge with a back elbow, spear #2! Cover, Chioda crawls again - 1. 2. Shoulder up. Alright. Okay. Yeah. What. What. What. Okay. Yeah. Edge counters an RKO with a backslide, puts his feet on the ropes - 1, 2, 3! (9'12" - 12'54" aired) You take 13 minutes of laying on the mat out of the Vengeance match and this is what you get. This was pretty good.

One last moment with JR and the King. NEXT WEEK - Benoit v. HHH, 60 minutes in an iron man match. I like how they lay it on about how Smackdown can have their cage matches, this is a Raw exclusive! We'll ignore LAST YEAR'S Smackdown iron man main event. Hell I can't even tell if the brands are supposed to be feuding or not anymore. They seem to be when it's convenient. Then again, lots of stuff works on convenience in WWE.

I liked Benoit/Batista the most. See you next week for the 60-minute iron man match!

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