TNA Wrestling Impact #5 - 07/02/04
by Scott Christ

OOPS! I'm late I'm late I'm late to the channel this is on!

Taped July 1, airing July 2, yada yada, Orlando

PRIMETIME v. ALEX SHELLEY: Hey, Alex Shelley! My man! Shelley with a wristlock, Primetime takes him over, two count. Single-leg from Skipper looks bad, two count there, up, Primetime with a takeover of a thing for two. Primetime walks the ropes and moonsaults onto Shelley. Primetime stands around - oh he's looking at TRACI and MICHAEL SHANE and KAZARIAN coming out and standing on the ramp. Shelley uses this opportunity to take advantage. Shelley with a suplex I missed most of, Primetime pointlessly matrixes as Tenay goes over Shelley's love of British wrestling. Shelley with the why are you choking yourself? dropped into the backbreaker. Shelley taunts like a jerk. Cover, 2. Into the corner, weak knees into the gut from Shelley, up top, dropkick to the back of the head on the kneeling Primetime. Cover, 2. Shelley springboards for a moonsault and TWIST! but it misses. Skipper grabs the ropes on a whip and crotches Shelley so he can do the ropewalk 'rana. Spin kick from Skipper, what time is it? Time for you to go to hell. Play of the Day is blocked, Shelley cradles him for two. Back kick from Primetime, Play of the Day hits. 1, 2, 3. (04'32") Thanks for putting Alex Shelley on my TV, TNA. Next time how about no Primetime.

NEXT - D-Lo & AMW in a six-man

Commercials, I can't pay attention because I tuned in late and have to get my formatting right. Augh. F you Boost Mobile.

MAKE INU, MIYAMOTO & NOSAWA v. D-LO BROWN & AMERICA'S MOST WANTED: "Make Inu" is sooo not Japanese. Miyamoto and James Storm will start us off. Miyamoto is tricksy and false to start. Tag out to Nosawa, who runs into a powerslam. Tag to Harris. Inverted atomic drop by Harris and Nosawa backs into a Storm Russian legsweep, cover, 2. Harris with a delayed vertical. Brown is tagged in and they hit a 3-on-1 move that I don't see. Eh. D-Lo with repeated clotheslines in the corner. Nosawa isn't looking so hot. Better tag in mysterious foreigner Make Inu. Oh come on. Take in Make Inu. Nosawa turns the tide and here comes Make Inu. Is that David frickin Yong? Hiptoss from Brown and a tag to Harris. What the - that's David Young, isn't it? Miyamoto gets the tag and gets a dragon screw. Tag to Nosawa. Off the ropes, Nosawa with a drop toe-hold, camel clutch, Miyamoto with the dropkick to the face. Shining wizard from Nosawa, cover, 2 before Brown breaks the pin. Tag to David Young, shitty spear by Harris. That was worse than your average Edge spear. Tag to D-Lo, clotheslines and he looks bored or lazy or something. The pants work for him, though. Leg lariat on Inu, one on Nosawa. Scoop aaand a backbreaker on Inu, and D-Lo's going up - springboard moonsault! One, two, break. D-Lo with a double clothesline on Miyamoto and Nosawa, and here comes Storm. WHOOOOOOOOOOA SHIT D-LO DIVES TO THE FLOOR. Storm with a superkick on Inu, and here comes the Death Sentence - wham! 1, 2, 3. (06'21") THE NATURALS are out to steal AMW's belts. Boy the stakes just get higher and higher.

NEXT - Monty Brown

Commercials

MONTY BROWN v. ABISMO NEGRO: I wonder how this'll go. Negro throws some rights. I'm uncomfortable typing "Negro" when the opponent is "Brown". Quick Brown brawling advantage on the floor. Brown with a back suplex. He's real strong, you realize. He also has a tongue piercing, what a STUD. Negro clothesline doesn't work, so he tries again. Same result. Negro to the apron, up top, claps about four years too early, and hits a missile dropkick. Negro with some rights, off the ropes, duck under, chop block, off the ropes, Negro with a faceslam for two. Rights, Brown reverses a whip, catches him, and hits a backbreaker. Fallaway slam follows. Off the ropes, there's the stupid pounce. Cover him, a-hole. (02'56")

NEXT - something, I dunno

Commercials

Hey f you SHARK BOY and D-RAY 3000

MICHAEL SHANE (with Traci - that's not how she really spells it) & KAZARIAN v. AMAZING RED & CHRIS SABIN: Wow, three people I hate and Chris Sabin. I'm fired up! These guys are all X division champions, though most try to forget the reigns of Shane and Kazarian. Kazarian and Sabin renew their fabled rivalry to start the match. Sabin with a headscissor takeover from the mat. The judge this week is NONE OTHER than Dusty Rhodes. R U shitting me, TNA? The frickin Dream? Dang. Shane comes in and gets his arm twisted. Red uses a wristlock and Shane elbows his head to get away. Tag to Kazarian. Red tags out to Sabin. This match isn't really moving yet. Shane gets knocked to the floor and Kazarian throws Sabin onto him for some stupid reason. Red with a tornado DDT on Kazarian, the tape machines are rolling (02'26")

Commercials

We're back with five minutes remaining in the time limit, and there were incredible moves, and there's more. Jumping! Flipping! Shane with the why are you choking yourself? on Red. Don't worry, Red has more heart, Mike, than anybody that we've ever seen. Red bumps on his head on a hiptoss into the turnbuckles. Red ducks a double clothesline and tags Sabin, who springboards in with a dropkick. Kicks and junk, soylent green on Shane, Kazarian breaks at two. Red with shitty slaps on Kazarian before Rudy Charles gets him out. Superkick on Sabin - 1, 2, 3. (02'21" - 04'47" aired)

Commercials - F OFF BOOST MOBILE

LOOK IT'S JONNY FAIRPLAY. WHAT AMAZING NATURAL CHARISMA! FUCK YOU TNA

Your hosts are MIKE TENAY and DON WEST. Wednesday, there's a PPV. AMW come out to yell about the Naturals. Then they leave. Let's talk more about the silly PPV.

Let's relive Jeff Hardy's TNA appearance.

SHANE DOUGLAS and VINCE RUSSO. Pass.

NEXT - Main Event. What, with actual time left? Where's Jarrett!!!!!!!!!! I'm turning this off if there's no Jarrett!!!!!!!!!!!

Commercials

Aw fuck! JEFF JARRETT is out with THE ELITE GUARD. He's going to commentate. Aw fuck!

TEAM CANADA (PETEY WILLIAMS, BOBBY ROODE & ERIC YOUNG, with Scott D'Amore) v. 3 LIVE KRU (with Dennis Rodman): Uh, wow. Dennis Rodman. Backstage, Russo tells KEN SHAMROCK that if Jarrett leaves his chair, to get out there. Young starts with Konnan. Shoulderblock, rolling clothesline, Williams gets DDT'd, Roode gets sent to the floor, and 3LK are dominating. Young takes the legdrop to the nuts form Killings. Cover, 2. Killings must have tagged in. Williams tags in. Shitty forearm from Killings. Oh but he twisted! Blah blah blah, stuff. 3 Live Kru does not interest me. The referee is down. Jarrett hits James and Team Canada steals a win. I missed the time. Who cares.

Jarrett has another guitar, but here comes Shamrock. Shamrock has the guitar. The Guard gets in, and this is like when Shamrock had a bat and he was swinging at the entire Ministry. Except not nearly as awesome. THEY'RE NOSE TO NOOOOOOOOOOOSE we're done

Nice to see Alex Shelley on the TV.

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